Should I begin again?

   I have found myself, over the last few years, desiring to begin writing on my blog again but the time and effort needed has been lacking. Lately, I've been considering whether I have the time to give it a go and whether I have enough content to keep things interesting. My older kids aren't keen on being the subject of the conversation but, as a home schooling mom who spends enormous amounts of time with just her kids, what else could I write about but them?!
  If I do choose to begin again(because it is such a good journal to look back on!) what would you like to hear and what topics would interest you, assuming anyone still actually reads my blog! Ha! I'm not promising anything but I am seriously in consideration mode.

A year is over

   A year is a long time to house children that are not yours. We loved, parented, disciplined, held and comforted children that weren't ours for over a year. A year, 2 months and 21 days, to be exact. After a holiday visit that CPS required, the children were held by their father and there is nothing anyone can do about it. They will not be returned.

  I find myself in mixed emotion daily. Having 3 less children makes for a MUCH quieter house and peace to allow me to get tons of projects done, homeschool my children and spend quality time with each. If I'm honest, it's been very pleasurable, almost to the point of guilt. On the other hand, we had just begun telling people we had 10 kids when they asked (after a year, it seemed silly that we only said 7), we were just beginning to get into the groove (truly) of having 3 extra little ones, we bought a new car to seat us all. Things were getting "easier" and more fun and the kids were beginning to really take to heart that the "visiting" kids weren't leaving anytime soon. We knew they would never become Winger's but that was OK. We loved them, they loved us. We wanted them returned to a safe home once their mom was able and CPS said they could return.

   Today I found myself telling one of the kids to make sure to throw something away because, "I don't want it on the floor where A can put it in his mouth." That child reminded me the baby was gone now. I spent this weekend cleaning and organizing the crib, pack and play, stroller, high chairs, baby gate play area, toys, clothes and shoes and getting them ready to be packed away, given back or donated. My house is clean and organized and it's wonderful but, they are not here. That's hard. And painful. And sad. I pray multiple times a day that they are safe and fed and loved and hugged and heard. This is the hardest part. I know they are not. This is what hurts the most. Not the missing them or wanting their sweet smiles or cuddles. It's the not knowing. The wanting-to-protect-them-but-you-can't and praying CPS will do their job and  keep them safe. I just need to know they're safe.

***we were not foster parents and in the system. This was an odd gray area that we were working to figure out.