When friends come to visit

    Last weekend we had the privilege of having Canaan's birth siblings and birth mom over for dinner. This was the first time in a year we had seen them, after they had lived with us for a year while their mom and dad worked things out in their lives.
    I waited until the last minute to tell the kids they were coming because I didn't want them to be disappointed and when I told them, you would have thought someone famous was coming to visit. They kept saying, "I can't wait any longer! When will they be here?"
    My oldest said it perfectly when she stated, "Time flies but love stays." Our experience with these kiddos and their Mama have set us on a course that we can not change as we plunge forward with foster care placements. We understand that to love kids, we need to choose to love their parents too. It's so important for the kids even while it seems scary to us foster parents/adoptive parents. I would encourage you to change your perspective about the biological parents. Love them. Right where they are at. Love them. Encourage them to be better people. Teach them. Give them HOPE. As you walk along side their kids and love them, walk alongside the bio parents too. I promise you that you will not regret it, if your heart is in the right place.
   Saying all that, you need to know that it has taken me a LONG time to see this perspective. A. Long. Time. I made so many mistakes. I chose poorly with my words many times.  I didn't see them as Christ sees them. I'm ashamed of that. It's not who I want to be and not who Christ called me to be.
   So, our relationship with our new placements biological parents has just begun. Its awkward but simple. They obviously love their children. They have begun to go to church with us on Sunday mornings. It's so awesome and crazy. The kiddos are slated to return to them and it leaves us with the question of what kind if relationship will continue. With the kids in the picture above, it was easy as they are Canaan's birth moms kids. We have a very open adoption with her so we knew that even though they left to a poor situation with their birth father, we would see them again. With these kids, it has to be more intentional and specific. If you have any advice of how to go from here, please say so! We are considering inviting them for Christmas and possibly Thanksgiving too. That's a lot! However, when the kids see that we have a relationship with their parents, it sets them at ease a bit.
    Adding so many "extras" to your family makes things pretty crazy but the blessings are pretty crazy too!

The past 11 weeks

    These past 11 weeks have been overwhelming, stretching, exhausting and rewarding; not necessarily in that order. To say it frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm up at 6 taking Alana to the bus stop and falling in bed each night by 9:30. Sometimes I'm lucky and am in bed by 9. Asleep. My teenagers aren't even in bed then!
    The best part of my day is when I return from the bus stop and have 30 minutes to read the Bible, drink hot coffee in silence and pray for the day ahead. It changes everything. Sometime during that time, the little girls come wandering downstairs to watch PBS kids while I enjoy the quiet morning a little more.
    Life with all these little/young people is not easy. I find myself ready to throw in the towel half of the day. Things are stressful. That 10 year old just won't. do. his. schoolwork unless I'm sitting next to him and the 6 year old needs constant help. Hello, he's a 1st grader! My high schoolers need direction and reminders to stay on task and I often find them still on the same subject after 3 hours of school. The preschoolers just won't. shut. up. Yes, it's real. And very, very, very loud. I thought having 7 kids was loud but I was mistaken. Throw in a 6 year old and 4 year old twin GIRLS and we've arrived at a new level of I'm-going-to-lose-my-mind around here. The trauma tantrums are just about enough to make me crazy.
    But then, there is so much sweet. SO. MUCH. SWEET. Watching your children love kids from hard places. Realizing THEY could be from those hard places if someone hadn't made a decision for their best. Seeing these little ones meld into our family and feel safe enough to yell and scream and be angry about what's so NOT fair in their little lives. They didn't deserve this. To be placed here, with all these other kids. Strangers. And yet, they have found their spot for now. Sometimes annoying spots but mostly hurt trying to find happiness while away from what they've known. Wanting the old but enjoying the peace and the stability. Always struggling with wanting control. They understand they have so little and so they grasp at it at every chance they can. That's hard for us. It's frustrating when they refuse the choices you've given or rejected the comfort offered. So much pain in such little bodies.
   And then, there are fun things like starting a new school year, my kids going to homecoming and watching them get dressed up and hearing their stories late into the night. Having the pleasure of seeing your young men show glimpses of the types of dads they will be one day. Hearing their dreams, and struggles, and fears. Watching your little guys embrace the new little man as if he were a little brother and seeing a friendship develop.
  These past 3 months have been anything but easy. We knew they wouldn't be. The new kids are slated to be returned early next year. I have more to say about those feeling but for now, it's 9:37 PM and I need to go to sleep!

Unexpected

Our family just returned from an amazing 12 day road trip across Nevada, Utah, Colorado and Arizona. We spent a week in Vail, Co with my parents and then drove the long way around to get home. Our tourist stops were the Garden of the gods, Mesa Verde, the Grand Canyon and Zion. Along the way we drove along highway 550 and, if you ever get the chance, you must go! It was such a beautiful drive.
The day after we left we received a phone call from our counties placement social worker about three siblings that needed a home. We had not planned on taking three but because they were a little older we said yes and waited to hear if the placement would go through. There was some back and forth trying to find a home in another county that was closer to the parents work but, after a week of trying, no other home was found that would take all three. The whirlwind began with tons of phone calls and information passed back and forth and yesterday, we drove home with three new members of our family for the next few months.
We had the perfect reintroduction into the system too. The time we were given to meet at the office was 2 but we were told to get there early to interact with the kids in between interviews. We arrived at 1:07 and found that none of the workers or the children were even in the office! So, we left to run some errands and then sat in a restaurant waiting for a phone call. It was actually a nice little date.
At about 3 we were told the kids had arrived and we could come any time so we headed out. When we got to the office the placement worker was waiting in the waiting area for us with Peanut anxiously looking for a very tall man, hahaha! She bounded up to me, gave me a high five and turned and rushed back to the visit room to announce us to her sister, Princess. Princess was not as excited and actually wouldn't even look at us but continued to make her "soup". I got down on the floor and tried to engage her but she wasn't having any of it. Soon after, Little Man came in from his interview and was all smiles, high fives and talking. He and Jonah hit it off right away and started playing games. The girls were taken back for their interviews and we played and laughed with Little Man. This was supposed to be more difficult, right?
Two social workers sat with us and we signed paper after paper after paper after paper. Then, just as the whirlwind started, it was over, the kids were strapped into the car and we were driving away. No tears, no crying, no questions. Just happy faces and sweet demeanor's. This went SO different than when we had placements 14 years ago. Jonah commented that after all the craziness, what were we supposed to do now? It all seemed so anticlimactic. So, we danced to "Happy" and listened to "Let it Go" over and over and over again until we got home.
At home we walked the kids around the house, introduced them to our other kids and showed them where things were. Princess hid behind my back and held my hand the whole time but, by dinner time, she was talking and interacting a little more. She and Peanut played dollies with Alana on the floor in the kitchen. None of the kids ate very much dinner at all but gobbled down their salad. After my voracious eaters, its shocking how little some kids eat. I'm sure there's some trauma stuff going on with that too, though.
Bed time was the hardest part of the whole afternoon and, really, it wasn't even bad. No tears or upset. The kids stayed in their beds, they just wouldn't stop playing. Little Man and Canaan wouldn't stop talking until well after 9:30!
Jonah and I know that this honeymoon period won't last forever but, for now, we are in awe of how easy things are going and how well the kids have melded into the house. We will see what the future brings.

Foster care, shmoster care

      To say Jonah and I were pleased when we were told we could become foster parents is an understatement; we were beyond ecstatic. Yup, we're strange. Our future life's plan included fostering children after retirement and I've often told people that we don't plan on having an empty nest for many, many years until our health fails and we are too old. Foster care is our calling. It is a part of who we are as a couple. It's the reason we added on to our house. Being told we could begin 4 years shy of when we had planned(when Isaiah turns 18) was exciting. When the resource family approval social worker(the new term for foster parents is resource family) called to tell me that we couldn't foster because of our family size, we were crushed. Like, seriously and honestly crushed. We had spent hours upon hours in classes and gathering paperwork and spent lots of money on fingerprints, cribs and guns safes to make our home ready because we had initially been told by a social worker that the law had changed and that the supervisor had given the ok. The RFA worker told us no and she was not sure why we were told that. So, I rallied myself, asked her to please contact the state liaison to get things cleared up for sure because I believed the written directives gave clear ways we could be certified and then Jonah and I(and some family and friends) fell to our knees in prayer.
     We know that our fight is not against the RFA workers(cause they REALLY need foster families!). This is spiritual and we were not going to give up without fighting in prayer about this! We were called 2 hours later with the answer. Apparently, we CAN become a certified resource family but can only be placed with sibling sets since they are difficult to place. Cause, ya know, we have "too" many kids to foster just one child at a time but a whole sibling set(the number is irrelevant to them) is just fine. How THAT makes sense is not a concern to me, obviously, but its just a bit comical.
    Our whole home study is ready to go, paperwork done and filled and cribs set up and "placement ready". We await the last step; a social worker to do family interviews to determine whether we are capable to care for more children and determine how many more. This is the last determining factor of whether or not we will be certified. We could end up with a social worker that is encouraging and OK with the fact that we have 6 kids under 18 or we could be connected with one who thinks large families(especially home schooled ones) are weird and hiding something horrible and detrimental. If you care to pray with us for this last step, we would LOVE it and so would the kids who we are looking forward to caring for and loving;) May God get all the glory.
   

A new era is before us

     On January 8, a snarky comment I made on a Facebook post resulted in a social worker calling me that afternoon. As I was saying hello and wondering why a CPS social worker from our county was calling me, my phone alerted me to a text with a friend telling me she had been talking with her social worker about our family and the comment I had made and would be calling me soon. Here I was, with her on the other end of the line, asking me if our family would be interested in taking in a 14 year old girl as a foster placement. I was stunned and confused. You see, in our state, it has been understood that in order to foster kids, we couldn't have so many of our own. Sure, we have plenty of room to house more kids but anyone with more than 6 children couldn't possibly be desiring to foster for anything but the money (huge eye roll here).
     Jonah and I have looked forward to the day when Isaiah turns 18 (technical "adult") so that we could become foster parents once again. It's a calling God laid on our hearts 15 years ago and we knew the time would come for the thumbs up. It seems now is that time and so we have taken the classes(cram courses!), gathered all the paperwork, done the health physicals and TB tests and we wait. We wait for a call from the man who will check our home and say that it's satisfactory and safe. We wait to meet with a worker who will ask us, and our children, way to many personal questions as she/he determines whether we would be acceptable foster parents for children. We wait to have that notification that we are finalized and approved to be foster parents in our county and, of course, we wait for that first call. And the second. And the twentieth.
     We initially said yes to that young girl but that has not panned out. It DID, however, set us on a course for what we've been called to do and has opened doors for us that we believed to be slammed shut. We are both a little stunned at how this has all happened in the past few weeks and changed the trajectory of the next few years we thought were all 'situated'. As we move forward I will be sharing some thoughts and posts about fostering, our children's part in all this and preparing yourself to bring a trauma child home. It's scary and worrisome and a whole lot of work. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Safe Families for Children

    Have any of you heard about this organization? It's pretty awesome. Jonah and I have been involved for a few years and have really enjoyed it.
    Safe Families is a non profit that is, basically, foster care prevention. Host families take care of children in crisis from families who are trying to get help before CPS steps in. It is a Christian ministry and strives to create relationship between host families and crisis families. The families are usually those who have no support around them to help them in their crisis and sometimes, having someone to listen and encourage, is just what they need.
  Our family is a host family and we have hosted a total of 7 kids over the last 2 years. One thing that is completely different than foster care is the relationship with the parents usually stays well and intact because the parent is the one who made the choice to place the child.
   Reasons for placing a child in a hosting are many but it is usually because of homelessness, planned jail time and unexpected unemployment(in my experience). There is a plan put in place for how long the child will be hosted and the parent retains all rights and is able to retrieve their child at any time.
   Is this something you think your family would consider or has becoming a foster parent been what you'd like to do but all that emotional mess isn't your cup of tea? I would highly recommend signing up to be a Safe Family Host Family! You can also be a Family Coach or Resource Family(since no one is getting funds) if you aren't in the place to have kids in your home.
   Check them out! Safe Families for Children

Worst mom ever award

    Every year, as the holidays end, Jonah and I end up finding ourselves in a money crunch as January moves along. Many of our car bills, insurance and other once a year things need to be paid and the squeeze is on.
    I had the absolutely brilliant idea to spread the buying of gifts out over the months preceding Christmas so that our funds were a little more available after December was over. I made my lists and crossed things off. I even wrapped ALL the gifts before December started! I was on a roll! Until Christmas Eve came around and I was organizing the gifts to place them under the tree. This is when I discovered that I had completely forgotten to buy a gift for one son. Like, nothing to open on Christmas day.
    To say I was disturbed is an understatement. I was absolutely horrified that I had actually overlooked a gift for my precious boy. It all worked out in the end but this will go down as one of my major parenting fails. What do you consider your major parenting fail?

Should I begin again?

   I have found myself, over the last few years, desiring to begin writing on my blog again but the time and effort needed has been lacking. Lately, I've been considering whether I have the time to give it a go and whether I have enough content to keep things interesting. My older kids aren't keen on being the subject of the conversation but, as a home schooling mom who spends enormous amounts of time with just her kids, what else could I write about but them?!
  If I do choose to begin again(because it is such a good journal to look back on!) what would you like to hear and what topics would interest you, assuming anyone still actually reads my blog! Ha! I'm not promising anything but I am seriously in consideration mode.

A year is over

   A year is a long time to house children that are not yours. We loved, parented, disciplined, held and comforted children that weren't ours for over a year. A year, 2 months and 21 days, to be exact. After a holiday visit that CPS required, the children were held by their father and there is nothing anyone can do about it. They will not be returned.

  I find myself in mixed emotion daily. Having 3 less children makes for a MUCH quieter house and peace to allow me to get tons of projects done, homeschool my children and spend quality time with each. If I'm honest, it's been very pleasurable, almost to the point of guilt. On the other hand, we had just begun telling people we had 10 kids when they asked (after a year, it seemed silly that we only said 7), we were just beginning to get into the groove (truly) of having 3 extra little ones, we bought a new car to seat us all. Things were getting "easier" and more fun and the kids were beginning to really take to heart that the "visiting" kids weren't leaving anytime soon. We knew they would never become Winger's but that was OK. We loved them, they loved us. We wanted them returned to a safe home once their mom was able and CPS said they could return.

   Today I found myself telling one of the kids to make sure to throw something away because, "I don't want it on the floor where A can put it in his mouth." That child reminded me the baby was gone now. I spent this weekend cleaning and organizing the crib, pack and play, stroller, high chairs, baby gate play area, toys, clothes and shoes and getting them ready to be packed away, given back or donated. My house is clean and organized and it's wonderful but, they are not here. That's hard. And painful. And sad. I pray multiple times a day that they are safe and fed and loved and hugged and heard. This is the hardest part. I know they are not. This is what hurts the most. Not the missing them or wanting their sweet smiles or cuddles. It's the not knowing. The wanting-to-protect-them-but-you-can't and praying CPS will do their job and  keep them safe. I just need to know they're safe.

***we were not foster parents and in the system. This was an odd gray area that we were working to figure out.

An even dozen

     When Jonah and I met he told me he wanted 11 kids. I was hooked. Even though God has only seen fit to bless us with 7 of our own we had the opportunity to have 11 kids in our care for 3 1/2 months. This, of course, happened just before we moved into our new 2,400 sq. ft. addition where the said children caused all sorts of  chaos and mayhem. Last week, we again have the privilege of caring for these kids, along with their 8 month old baby brother, and things are even crazier than before. This time, however, we went into it prepared. My schedule is strict, the older kids have NO right to discipline or reprimand and must come to me and I am letting NOTHING go. Our resident drama queens are held in very strict rules as to their words and conduct with the "non Winger" kids.
     It's a very difficult thing, parenting children who live SO differently than the way you do. They are allowed to stay up very late, despite their being only 6, 4, 3, 2 and 8 months. Here, they are in bed by 7, along with my 5 year old, and BOY do they throw a fit about it! They are always saying, "But, it's morning time!" I love when their mom puts them in their place and sides with me. Tonight, while having their phone chat, the 4 year old tells her mom, "Well, we are in bed even though it's still morning time but Faith always makes us go to bed when it' morning time." Her mom told her she was wrong and the look on her face was great. I was right! Her mom said so!

     When you choose to love children that are not yours and you know will return to their parents at some point, it becomes an amazing balance of trying not to tie your hearts with theirs but also knowing you must. I watch my children fall in love with the babies and my heart breaks knowing they will hurt when they leave. I know, however, how important it is for these children to feel loved and cared for wholeheartedly while they are here. They need to know they belong here and this is their home for however long they will be. I watch as my children's hearts get torn out saying goodbye and wonder if this is, truly, for the best. But then I remember, this is who WE are. This is what God called our FAMILY too and if they have the Winger name they are called to serve in this way. They need to learn how to love and let go and pray fervently for those kids when they think of them. They need to learn to love another outside of their family and serve these kids with all that they are. This is our mission field. It is hard. It is challenging at times but it is SUCH a blessing to US!