drown in sweat and blisters

today was such i LONG and BUSY day! i had so many things on and only 24 hours. first up in the morning was my very first paper for BT2 - lit's PC. all the way in school on a saturday morning WAYYY ONE MONTH BEFORE THE ACTUAL BT2. cant blame them but this time around, i did not bother to study for PC. came back on fri after dinner with carol, YQ and shihui and did not feel in the very least mood to dig out all my PC worksheets from the pile of paper somewhere in the room. conclusion is that nothing went into my head until early in the morn on sat on the bus. *thank God bus ride to sch is 1/2 hour* anyway, this was the first time a appreciated a prose. but still will not mean that i will get my grades. it is some passage from "point counterpoint" by some Huxley guy. really feel excited bout my PC grades. i just know that i am going to fail SM (AGAIN) and the only way i can pass is to do better in PC and Tyrone.

after PC, had to ruch down to airport to send auntie zen. great... one whole month without her = death. there will be no one to wash clothes and COOK!!! me without a decent dinner = DEATH!!! i have to do my own cleaning and laundry and blah blah blah. all the more i want to get my butt out of the house to prevent all these. but what do i have??? BT2 up the corner. which will mean = home. sucks. (you are sure to hear more of this in the month)

decided to go for church anyway. after church, i literally flew down to victoria concert hall. i was all in 2+3 inch heels. and there you see this retarded looking lion haired woman running in heel across the field/walkway/road/bridge. so unglam. the worse thing is that when i was "making my way" across the field, i did not know that the ground was wet and ended up having to pluck my heel out of the mud. tell me how unglam is that? so many people were there lor. where should i put my face now?

doing 1 km sprint from the moment i came out of the mrt station. result??? blisters. two on each foot. was racing across that fulliton bridge and almost tripping. UNGLAM!!! so many ang mors there. maybe they were cute. ahhRRRGGHHH.... reach there not so one time. classmates saved me a seat. but all the way in front. was damn paisae to interupt the concert for them to see this retarted lion haired woman squeezing pass. but blisters were killing me. cant stand anymore... even if i have to risk my social image and face for the rest of the school to condamn me in the rest of my half year in SA - so be it. marginal private benefit must always be greater then marginal social benefit. (hack whatever theory or law that says otherwise) band concert rocks. BENJI, WINGMAN, JADED, ALECIA, ANGELINE... you all rock. love you all.

had supper at lau pa sat with carol, shihui, ant, zebra, kev and mag/mad. stomach was really growling. satay. yum. reached home late at 12++. never get scoulding from mommy. think she really loves me. but i also think that i am really taking advantage of this.

saturday SOS

have my first BT2 paper tomorro - PC
cant decided to go for church and rush down for concert
or
just go to concert and church on sun

IMPOSSIBLE IS JUST A BIG WORD THROWN AROUND BY SMALL MEN WHO FIND IT EASIER TO LIVE IN THE WORLD THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN THAN TO EXPLORE THE POWER THEY HAVE TO CHANGE IT. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A FACT. IT'S AN OPINION. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A DECLARATION. IT IS A DARE. IMPOSSIBLE IS POTENTIAL. IMPOSSIBLE IS TEMPORARY.

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.

i really love this quote from adidas. it just speaks everything. nothing is what it seems anymore

last day of term 2

i have not been blogging for the past two days though i wanted to. it is just that i was busy watching this new taiwanese serial show that i just rented - "snow angel". pretty nice show. left volume two more to go. it is the toro show that was already out on vcd quite a while ago. finally got the time to sit down and focus this pair of eyes onto the tv screen for hours at a go. watching vcds at home can really be a chore. nice i agree, but nonetherless a freeking butt aching experience. so far i would give it 6.5/10. i know the girls would really love this crappy flick. maybe i should try watching this with them when i have the time. (girls: shanny is suggesting a movie marathon or something)

since it is the last day of term 2. i have generally quite a lot of things to say. things to reflect on (as usual).

firstly, i really enjoyed this term quite a pretty bit. with the sports season, it was rather interesting to see team SAJC get 3 champions and other various positions. i have to say that as a saint and sportswoman, i am really pround of having and being part of this team. our team SAJC this year is probally one of the best ever. our teams are doing much better this year than the past. ditto tennis. we rock man!!! i can even sense that teachers like mr ong is damn proud of us as a team.

next i would really like to thank the class. i must really say that i really did enjoy recess together. last time i was not very enthu bout sitting together, but after done so for the past two terms i must admit that i have really missed out a lot. i love A41 no matter what happens. maybe it is me, or that i feel that there is more of a bond now. i love u pp!

i can also already begin to see myself burried under books and the photocoping machine lately. maybe it is the stress or something. i can sense the urgency. even way before BT2. even though i seem very much a person who dont really care bout my results, i really am begining to panic over school. deep down i dont want my grades to fall. i am in the fear that the next BT i am just going to fall so much i am scared to pick myself up again. i dont want to fall. this sense af acrophobia is really creeping me out. i just want to improve, so succeed. i need to keep my grades there or mommy will say that i have neglecting my school work. which i am not. i want to prove her that i am not that lazy stubborn daughter who doesnt care bout anything but herself. my clique is really creeping me out. all they can think of seems to be studying. that sudden change scares the hell out of me. even charlene is bucking up. what bout me? maybe i am just destined to be a road sweeper.

today is having our usual end of term half day again. this time round the class is not going out despite what we have been saying the past few days. i am now at home slacking away IN THE AFTERNOON of a HALF DAY!!! that is so unlike a normal teenager day in JC. i would really want to be out there in town shopping or eating with classmates. but everyone has something up. now i am a loney soul at home stoning... reasons as follow -

the problem with me is that i dont have a considerable amount of friends. that is not just a problem, it is a problem with gravity!!! i hate not knowing people. i want to be more sociable but it is just to my misfortune that i am a damn SHY person. yes i am loud and demanding, but i am SHY!!! i want to know more people!!! want to know more pp outside school and in school. not just aquaintenses but FRIENDS!!! people: do into me to more pp... not every one can get along well with my *this type of pp* but it is still worth a try to introduce more people to me.

just to prove myself; i know many people in school, but their chances of knowing me is NIL/ZERO/NADA/GOOSE EGG. i dont even think that people around school notices this face of mine. i am one of those people that is a floating soul around school which moves in the shadows. shadows + shanny = cannot be seen (literally) such people lead a rather sad life, without variety.i dont want to be insignificant!!! i want a social life. want to be known. mayb the only way ever achievin noticability is to be either - (a) be a star on tv, (b) strip in the middle of the cafe, (c) commit suicide in school leaving my soul to haunt the place. even if i manage to score 3 As also too late already. everyone wouldnt even bother bout me when they go to U. i need a miracle NOW!!! (GOD PLS HELP ME)

*this type of pp* = loud + crazy + dramatic + talkative

ending early

today was declared 1/2 day. why am i not happy? been having too many early dismissals. now that there is a half day, there is no kick in it anymore. everyday is as early as the day before.

but this doesnt mean that i want to end at 5. 1PM is always good.

feeling FAT

i have this really strong urge of ideas of me growing so fat i can burst out of my clothes in another 3 months. then i will have to spend another few hundred bucks shopping for clothes 10 size bigger. this really sucks. all the while i thought that i am not really bothered bout the fat being in this body of mine. now i am really scared to death to the brim. i was just think what the rest of the year will do to me.

"shanny = fat" theory
shanny after tournment = no training
shanny after NAFA = no PE
shanny after BT1 = no time
shanny all the while = no will power
NET total = FAT + WEIGHT + LARD + GREEZE + NO BOYFRIEND

OH MY GOD!!!!!!! i am going to be a FAT TOAD which is going to be left sitting on the shelf. i dont want that... never!!! i will never in the midst of my life ever going to exercise. was just telling kushion that i am going to be a prune when i die. now i see myself in the crystall ball as a FAT BLACK WINKLED UP PRUNE in the COFFIN!!! i am so unglam in my coffin. no wonder i will never get a BF. destiny and fate can be so cruel some times.

i have been saying for the past 5 years that i will exercise, situps and run during the holidays. but up to my record. i have never gotten past the stage of pullin my fat ass together for any thing of tt sort. all it has been doing is stuck to the bed or the sofa. never gotten close to weight loss or abbs. now that there is no such thing as exercise... i am going to grow FAT!!! i am going to die fat... SHIT...

and all these thoughts are killing me everytime i see jillian so thin. if only half of me was her. never going to see myself anywhere close to that. all i see is a fat dried up prune in a coffin (okay i will stop it) i just want to get rid of those irritatingly gross fat retarded tighs. they look sick in the mirror and in everything (tt is if i can fit into anything) sigh...

refer back to post Monday, March 29

shanny's legs
sung with tune of twinkle twinkle little star
composed by shanny tan

shanny tan has big fat legs
stick in tube and suck away
fill the measure with the oil
light the fire feel it boil
shanny now has thin thin legs
stop dreaming and knock your head

destiny...
i hate destiny...

locked out

the family locked me out of the house last night. arrived home at 11 plus to find that the main door is locked from the inside. called mom hp. no answer. called dad hp. no answer. hesitated to call house phone. felt like calling someone to stay over. they'll never know. can go clubbing after borrowing clothes too. temptation too great. but too tired. called house phone 6 times to get someone attention.

love mommy this year. last time everytime i wanted to go out late for two night in a row she will make me chose which night. this year so far i was allowed to go literally everywhere when i choosed (minus stay overs) just this week i had so many things going that i was out 4 out of 7 nights. the thing is that she never made a single sound. is it because i am eighteen? i have been wishing something like this to happen for almost eternity. two nights in a row. BBQ late. two nights in a row no complaints. maybei better not talk too early.

last night at co's for her birthday. gotten her this really nice necklace from perlinis. so nice that even i was goo-goo-ing and ga-ga-ing over it myself. think when i have the money i should go and get me self one. so pretty!!! that's besides the point. it feels so good to see them again.

jillian with DY (what's new)
lynette (single but under 18)
corinna (single going 18)
canice (single over 18)
yiping (nonexistant - as usual)
fish (still swimming)

i really dont know how to say this but i really want to see yiping. i have not seen her for such a long time. i think i may have forgotten her face. i just want to see her one time WITHOUT MINGYAN. they are so glued together i cant even remember when i have seen one without the other. jillian and DY is ok coz they actually TURN UP. and DY is a lot of fun to be with. he is even a part of us now.

YP, if you actually read this, can you just make just one small slot in your life for US GIRLS. i really dont want to say this but i am getting pissed with ur life. i know i cant but i am. there is no way you can continue to do that.

anyway girls (+DY), i really enjoyed myself a whole lot last night. nothing beats siting down, eating and talking. the lame jokes part is really lame. thanks for being a part of my life.

some comments to make:
1. jillian, you look really pretty now - maybe it is love (i should get one too)
2. jillian, you look thin too - stop going on diets
3. lyn, you were always pretty - just over dressed (sorry)
4. can, still flacid (cant help it, it is TRUE)
5. can, still LONG
6. co, still small but has increased width in *****
7. DY, you dont look that bad bald

by way... HAPPY BIRTHDAY CO!!!

meeting the girls later
cant wait...

SHREK 2 IS A MUST WATCH...

i have not seen such a funny cartoon in such a long time. never have i laughed so hard in the cinema for a long time too. i was literally mad to boot. forever roaring and convulsing away laughter with every 5 mins. kicking the empty chair in front so hard i think the person who sat a chair away could feel godzilla pounding away. really really hysterically hilarious. pity both carol and yanqi who was seated right and left. think their eardrums may have already exploded. it was so entertaining that i spent the next hour after we left smiling away. i felt like some retard grinning away in the middle of orchard road.

SHREK ROCKS!!!!! if the first one was rated 7/10 for laugh degree meter. the second one is 9/10 on laughing scale. SO FREEKING FUNNY. but in order to appreaciate this movie/cartoon. you have to be young at heart and really have spent your childhood on the world's share of fairytales and nursery rhimes, plus have the modern movie humor. no where have i seen sleeping beauty, big bad wolf, puss in boot, three blind mice, pinochio, ginerbreadman, blah blah blahhhh.... all in one show. and the thing is that when you put them all together, you get every child's childhood dream.

i love cartoons. still watch them like crazy at home on tv. love such movies. (eg: brother bear, mosters inc, shrek) so good humored and fun. mommy will NEVER APPRECIATE THIS. she just doesnt understand why i love cartoons. no body does. i keep telling her that you must be young at heart and keep in touch with your childhood side, and watching cartoons is the best way to satisfy your hunger to be young and stay young. i have to admit that i still watch so much cartoons that it is 10 million times for then my sis and bro combined. think i may never grow up mentally and psychologically. may have to be doomed to be peter pan forever.

have you seen how cute puss in the boots is... oh...... SOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (speaks in childish tone) i really LOVVVEEEEEE him!!! so ke ai.....

anway bottom line is that...
GO WATCH SHREK 2... NOW!!!!!!

the wonder of team SAJC

first was volleyball champs then was basketball. and then all this bottles down to one thing - 1/2 day!!! sometimes i was wondering what i came to school for. only to hear people talk in assembly and then for one 45 mins GP lesson where we did this stupid retarted reading quiz that made no what so ever sense. i really wonder what is their aim for giving us this quiz. it doesnt even indicate anything, just wasting one period shading OMR. then again not like any other GP tutorials are benifiting in any way. they are just wasting paper to test our guessing and ti-cuming skills, think paper can be put into better use as toilet paper. who the hell will want to care bout stem cell defination and blah blah blah...

i really like assembly today. though i wasnt really paying attention to wat was going on, but i have to say that i really want to be like them. if only i was half as good as them i can already kowtow you. want to be smart. maybe being teen genus can be good enough. want to be really successful in years to come. that will really be good. "begin with the end in mind"

went to victors ice cream shop to eat ice cream. OMG!!! you just have to get your tongue on the belgium chocolate. it is not eating ice cream but chocolate. home made ice cream can never taste so good. really love it. all the super yummy flavors you tongue can ever get its tip onto. melt...

headache.
have been throbbing
all day long
hurts.

team SA

just came back from TPY stadium. our basketball rocks. though girls lost to HC with a second. our guys won to become champion. yeah. bball guys rock. no wonder class has 5566 fan club.

men in skirts

i must say that men in skirts are sexy. period. what more can you say when you see a man in microminis. so short that when they fight the leather flies. plus with those sexy unwaxed legs dangling from the skirt openings. sexy. add a plus point of nice bloody bodies that have muscles bulging from all areas. or that really gorgous face peeking from behind the helmet. melting in 100 degrees. it was hot in the cinema. who would really care bout the moral of the story of the falling of a great nation. think venice (social studies)

Troy, though lacking in all the effects and background, really made up in the male department. like come on!!! so many good looking guys almost naked to their birthday suit scene after scene again. this show should be RA and not PG. think MDA should relook into this. they were all 0.1 mm downwards into the vast worldwide discovery of "that" that may not be seen. just a tiny bit down and... poof... a new exotic species of birds. but i have to admit that it is great pleasure to see hunks without pants and pretty girls butts. not getting perverted here.

my achilles (brad pitt) stole heart away AGAIN as did 6 years back. if every man is for himself, i want achilles without the winkles or maybe a brad pitt minus 10 years. this character has such dynamic depth and sophistication. so much character. one of those characters that i would have really admired if i lived in that era. the way he flies and fights. OH MI GOD you have to see that. so much density in a single character, there is a good mix of rouge and lover. such a good combi that you can just take on a career of swooning at his feet. havent i not say that i have a soft spot for bad boys? what more a bad boy HERO?

eric bana... must say that he really looks good in this movie. hector is so arragon-nish, minus that depth in character. so noble and the normal hero a country can ask for. "honor the gods, love your woman and defend your country." nice face esp with that stubble. so sexy. what more is that he as a NICE BODY!!! period. paris was quite un upset. what more of a chicken wuss can you seek in a prince? no wonder troy died. but just a peek of his... is more than enough.

was at the edge of the seat everytime hector and achilles appear at the same time no screen. and when they fight. my heart just sank in knowing that one of them will end up dead. talking bout dying. i really love the way they kill. so merciless and smooth. not being sadist here but there was not enough blood or heads for my liking. too mild for a relic war show.

i am going to buy this VCD when it comes out.

new layout

spent an hour between my lit essays to organise this thing. somehow i think that it is harder to read. but i do like the colour. so sophisticated!!! anyway was rather sick of the old one already. if you people find it hard to read and prefer the old one, do let me know.

my parents are horny
in front of me
oh mi god
gross

once a thief, always a thief
nice novels by Kay Hooper

i have just finished both the books by kay hooper, "once a thief" and "always a thief". just in case you people do not know, it is two seperate books that are linked by a single storyline. i have spent the last five days digging and burrying my head into the smelly pages of the two books i borrowed from the library. all local library books stinks (literally). anyway... i have got to say that it really was a pretty unique book with a rather apt stroyline that i have not seen for a long time. maybe that is why it is so interesting. then again, all kay hooper books are.

firstly i must say that i am rather attracted to Quinn/Alex's night persona. come on... how cool will it be to fall head over heels in love with a thief? not just a normal thief... but a darn goodlooker, charismaticly smooth, blond-haired green-eyed international cat burglar who can get pass the highest and most modern sercurity systems to steal the most precious of gems and anitiques... without gettin caught for 10 years. melt... aiiizz... if such a rouge really existed, i would really want to know him. i have a soft spot for bad boys. and a softer spot for a man in black that moves gracefully in the night. sometimes it is why authors call it fiction. no doubt.

story as a really good twist in the end. totally unexpected. really love the second part "always a thief" it makes the world seem inadiquate. the earth needs more characters like Quinn. and most of them knowing me. i love the phrase - "it takes a thief to catch a thief"

would i ever consider cosmetic surgery?
thoughts and feelings after reading female May 2004

firstly, i have never knew that there were so many types of cosmetic surgery that is available in the heart of this tiny weeny island. all along i have thought that they were only for sale in Japan and Thailand. got the entire range from chemical peels to endermologie. that is so cool... secondly, i must admit that shanny is very open to the idea of cosmetic surgery. even i wouldnt mind going through the pains and procedure of breaking down my body for A plus body image. just probally the money part...

i think every normal functioning woman would like the idea of looking a tiny bit prettier. even if it is only on the outside. who would care if people bring up the term "bimbo airhead". as long as you know ur IQ remains or piles up higher than where it is, what is the term to you? actually, in this world, you dont need the charisma to get a job, sometimes all you need is a face and a body to go with it. think model and air strewardess. even if you dont have much of a brain. of corse it would be a plus for the above occupation to have nuclus in the head.

lets just say that you already have the brains with the IQ of 2000. having to look a little bit more on the pretty edge can give you an edge. not only will people take you as less of an eyesore, you will have degrees more self confidence and esteem. that will equal to more love and peace in the world. isnt that a plus point??? WORLD PEACE is where you will be contributing to.

as for me? i would really love to have nicer, less inner fat tighs ... or maybe a tighter tummy... that will really have shanny self confidence explosion. i have the brains and the capability, what will a good look do? (not self praising)

Liposuction
as the name suggest, this procedure involves the suction of fats (lipo) deposits from the body with the use of a small, hollow wand called a cannula. there are several liposuction, fat get liquidfied by high frequency sound waves and is turn, vacuumed out of the body
Rewards: Hard to reach areas like the packets of fat in the under arm region, inner tighs and buttocks can be slimmed down via liposuction
Risks: Apart from the apparent complications that may arrise with such invasive surgical procedures, patients who are over weight or have poor skin elasticity, may be left with SAGGING SKIN, STRETCH MARKS, INDENTATIONS and LOOSE FOLDS. liposuction can aggravate CELLULITE and STRETCH MARKS.

long weekend

without all the training that i usually have to go for on saturdays, i have so much time on my hands that i have time to read and do the things that i have never been able to do in the past one year in JC. i can actually wake up early in the morning and not have to rush down to school for anything. that will mean more sleep. sleeping induces a happy person and makes a more cheerful lively person.

more sleep = happy shanny

sleep is a very important factor in the life of shanny. just in case u did not know, shanny is a person that sleeps at 10 EVERYDAY without fail. that stays stagnant dispite the amount of homework or anything. i love sleeping and the fact remains. just last night i slept 12 hours straight without waking a wink. sleep induces longer sleep which in turn induces an even longer sleep.

now my saturdays are FREE (hint) i have all the time in the world if school doesnt have lessons in the morn. i love this chance of having time on my hands. my weekends are longer and i can have time for myself. i love this feeling. spending time with youself is important. the only thing i do now on saturdays is probally church.

through the eyes of feline to meet the world on every moon.
this curse upon the one who acepts the ties of blood and gloom.
to live by joining of the outside of the same kind.
in true love will it only sublime

ageing so fast

went down for a tiny bit of training today after school. and it is at that very moment when i have found that i have aged so much over night. feel a good five years older. training is no longer how it had used to be, something just wasnt right anymore. just two weeks ago, i used to be a PART of them, training WITH them... and now... i am put straight to the benches watching them train. even though it is not in the literal sense but i am mentally pushed and repelled. that transition from court to bench just made the clock turn faster. way too fast actually. this change is just too drastic.

i sudden feel that all the time i have involved myself in this sport have same screeching to a stop. just one final break down. heaven didnt even give me a chance to take a U-turn or reverse. just provided this end i have never really seen in the past, this end that just had to come. and you know what, it came too soon, way too soon. it feels like dying, like this part of you just crashing into the black hole, this part that disintegrated in a matter of moments. it is not spiritually there anymore. there is no more passion, no more life, no more dream. just a stop.

i suddenly cant see myself anymore, its like losing your identity.
ps: i cried while writing this (dont laugh)

the tale of locker 90

once upon a time in the far away land of SAJC, there lived two sisters. they were twins but seperated at birth to the cruel nature of fate and destiny, only to meet again when the time seemed best. in this land of mystery and magic, the birds sang their hearts out and the sun shone its rays upon the earth, creating life in its path. it was also the time where the stars crossed, a time when the moon whispered tenderness to the sun. destiny was under the clock, ticking away desperatly.

this twin, all these years, had a remotely unique way of communcating. it was throught the touching of ink on paper. they have conversed many times through various methods of the baton passing, but once day something happened...

it was a clear morning with an almost cloudless sky, the gentle rays of life shone upon the heart of this land, warming its interior with love. younger sis have decided to give big sis a surprise. placing her gifts of the deepest love in the locker 90. unexpected of the mystery that lay behind those doors, a mystery that changed her life.

big sis at that very time was in the library getting involved in the computer due to some unfortunate accident that have taken place at home, unaware of the message that little sis have have messaged her as the use of handphones were not allowed in the four walls of the sacred place. although the note at the boxes said not to leave any valuables behind, big sis did not regard her handphone as any sort of valuable (you would agree if you saw the state it is in). only manage to get the news by word of mouth of a friend. once she got the news she supermaned up only to gather the biggest shock of her life. locker 90 laid EMPTY... there was no sign of any thing that may have existed in materialistic form. she was stunned, shocked, and paniced the whole brain off its hooks. there was a ghost in the building and its super natural poweress have decided to play a prank. maybe it had though it was an offerin to its battered soul.

she unexpectedly met little sis in the library upon her home returning journey. they both sprinted up to the floor before heaven only to confirm that there was no hallucination. it laid clean and bare empty. there were moments of shock, panic, guilt, shame. they left, suspecting everyone in the midst of school. eyeing every individual with that piercing stare of blame.

the next morning, something unexpected happened, all items letter, toberone and moonflower bodymist are found... at locker 110...

kouked

was staying over at chars house on Saturday night. It has been a very long time since I last got to stay over at someones house. That last few times I tried to stay over at lyn house or at the chalet, I kana rejected by my mother. This time round, I did not take no an answer. If I had to get out I will. No one is going to stop me no matter what the freeking crap I had to say to get me out. Even if it was to lie openly to the rest of the world. Even if I had to go away on “camp” last night I was on the camp fire committee. Cool right? How smart can I get??? Even if I had to lie through me teeth this time around, I will.. I will even do it shamelessly. Proud to have this in me. When there is a will there will always be a freeking way of getting it done.

Had finally stepped into a freeking club for practically one and a half years. Was at zouk on Sunday morn at 2 AM. All the way to 4 plus. As I hardly knew anyone there, I had an okay time only. The music was nice. The first jug of donno wat was great too. Was brought in by chars sis friend who was some rich guy who was with velvet. I finally got to step into the zouk VIP section. Yeah baby. Though it was like damn squashed up and everything and the aircon was freezing my arses out, it was okay.

Reached back at chars place at 4.30 ++ had been trying so hard to get that smell out of my beautiful hair. I didn’t manage to do it even in two washes. Now I am in school with a small tint of smoke. I hate that smell. I literally REEKED with it. Smelling right like a smoker. So unglam…

I only manage to close my eyes for 3 hours flat. Gotten up at 8 really bright eyed and awake. Believe it or not. For the whole day until 6 pm. Where I was going to take an hour sleep and ended up SLEEPING MY ARSE OFF TO THIS MORN AT 6!!! That is 12 whole hours = half a day. Am I smart or wat??? Jo forgot to wake me up and I am damn pissed over that. Not only did I not manage to eat my dinner, I had to wake up this morn in a deep shock that it was 6 AM… all the way I was thinking that it was 8 PM then to figure out that it was in the wee hour of the morning where I HAVE SCHOOL!!! That means that I have to:

- pack my bag
- dig out my sweater
- pick out my socks
- fit everything into my pencil case

ps: this post was done prevously on micro words that is why all the cap letters and everything
i would not have bothered to press the shift key

i hate my computer

i really hate that piece of plastic that is sitting on the table in mommys room. though it has all the chips in it and every wire attached, it just cant do one thing - ON... yup. my com have offically turned me down for good. i will no longer have the capacity to make it run in any direction and the thing that really pisses me off is that daddy dont want to get us a new one. that will mean that shanny is not going to be seen on MSN, or answering ur emails, or for the simpliest form of blogging. all of this can only happen in school. i really hate not having a com, there is so many things that you cant do. no music. no surfing, no fun.

okay i must update the world on my past one week of boring life.

sun: went shopping with lyn, bought a pair of really nice black heels for 45 bucks, burned a big hole in my pocket. crossed country bugis for certain pps present. can BBQ at night. stuffed self. almost got killed by mom for being late.
mon: refer to previous post
tue: i cant remember at all = nothing significant
wed: John smith not in sch for PC = 4 breaks con. at J8 looking at cams. fell in love with canon XI. want it desperatly.
thu: damn boring day. John smith and claw not in school. had freeking econs test which MCQ= death. queensway with ST. TP to lib and shopping. bought beads.

anguished, pissed, murder intentions

i feel really sorry for myself... never was i so emotionally unstable for a very long time over any matter of this sort. i have always held my cool and my head, protraying myself as a demure girl. losing have neverbeen as much as a deal to me until now. the news came overwelminginly too heavy for me in a gust of tornado.i just could not stop the tears from falling, just too hard no matter how much i tried and tried. i could feel my heart free fall downwards to my feet, feel it tangle and burn in fire of the hotest flames, pierced by millions of arrows, whipped till it bled, forced and ripped open by savage dogs, condamned by all mankind. i feel self pity and yet self loathing, blaming myself for not pushing hard enough.

we lost by 2% wins to TJ. 2 freeking percent = one game. it is so painful to see the people you have won victorate over into the next round. not VJ but TJ!!! too painfeul to bear... too much huet... too much sorrow. that one game i could have saved, i really blame myself. why did i not strived then?

you should have seen me the moment i heard the news. if tears were not for sorrow, it was for the purest form of hate of blame. i cant live with it. whoops broke the news to me and i have been sobbing on anf off for three whole periods. i just could not control my tears, everytime i thought of it or saw another tennis member i would break into wails over and over again. so embarrassing. just cant face them. i have never felt so bad about losing before. though i have been rather used to it in the past few years, somehow this time round i could not take it. one game is more marginal then anything. if we had lost by quite a bit i wouldnt have minded ... but 2%!!!! NO!!! i cant live with it. always thought that i would accept it if TJ won. but too bad my heart says no. i m a sore loser, a loser who lost by 2%. it still kept me in tears for the whole day, so many times i was on the verge of fustration and anguish screams and tears. so many times they bursted out.

understand how the netballers feel now. our fates are sealed to match. i was rather happy to have both ST and KJ to see me thougrh my day. ST told me to cry it all out. and it worked. though i was really at the brink of my anger this morn and was on the urge to scream the F word in the middle of the cafe, i thanks all of you for bringing me back to my normal cool self. though i have not fully accepted this part of my fate, i am in a better position, mood wise, to not do anything.

i must say thank you to ms wong for that sms, i started to tear in sobs in the middle of geog lect with a tissue in the eye after reading the msg.

"hey shanny, keep your chin up... you did ur best and i am proud of you. what matters most is what you have gotten out of the experience..."

my eyes arwe totally sore and burning over the disposal of tears. and many people that have seen me teary eyed in school must have condamned me. it was so embarressing sodding in front of raph. i must have looked worse than shit for 6 hours. where am i to put this face of mine now? what done is done... this is the only thing we cant turn back.

"the smallest ocstical in life can create the greatest of man"

i'll take this as a lesson... by the way... doc quek says that i can take off my braces in three months if nothing goes wrong. cant wait to see stained teeth.