shit...
that stupid britney slow song is stuck in my head
cant get it out.
i cant believe i actually like it

desperate to win

never before in my entire tennis career have i felt the need, the hunger, the drive to win. the feeling was so strong within me i was bursting out with all the determination and persistence my soul bared. i was just this feeling burning inside me, waiting to escape and run away. i truly felt 100% like a sportsman with the passion of the sport in me. i really felt it... the tennis jive... this is the time we can get to prove ourselves in front of the whole world to see, to make a statement to say that we, SA tennis, can do it no matter how people underestimates us. dont even think anyone expected us to win VJ. truthfully speaking even i did not have the confidence. but then again, i really never knew i had the capacity to feel the rush of the desperateness to win. this is the first time i experienced such a strong emotion that overrights all the rights and order that existed. it was just there, i cant explain.

we won VJ 3-2. game score wins of 9-1, 9-4, 9-5. i am really proud of my team, my babies are not throwing my face away. i dont think ANYONE on this earth thought we could win. esp the other teams and lizard. the difference both lizard and ms wong is faith. it is the thing that draws the line. lizard just dont seem to motivate and encourage us, ms wong is a never say die person. i respect her for that. she is always there, cheering us on and making us win, the inner motivation and trust she has on the team is overwelming. she has the faith in the girls and i really love her as a person, so approachable and fun. lizard on the other hand just thinks plain lowly of us, once he condamns, he condamns for life. this match is all i think that can prove him right in his face that we girls are not lacking in any qualities and we have it. i hope he gets the message. FAT ASS.

i bet the other teams did not really think we would win. i think sheena and rachel had the shock of their lives when they heard that SA WON VJ. VJ is supposed to be the best in the group, and they trashed the crap out of TP, TJ and NJ. and we actually under Gods grace won them. not that i am proud and arrogant but this is really a breakthrough for the team, mentally. i could feel that the team is really glad bout this victory, could just sense the joy and relieve. they must have underestimated us.

my match was very satisfying. we caught up 6 games in a row. whoops and i were really cool this time round, never got too high. the mood was stable and just nice. really have to give a hand to my shots. lobs today was very consistant and forhand reachin the base line. serve was only ok, but i really was covering the whole base line today, to the extent i was panting and gasping away. hoping for a breather. this is also the first time change over consist of this really long 2/3+ min break. but having such a long break also makes me more composed and sets the pace of the game. though i got really pissed on game due to the amounts of forehand i got out, i got to meditate at the wall. that really helped... no kidding... i just stood there with my head against the wall. got a feeling i freeked everyone else, maybe they thought i was out of control and couldnt catch myself from falling. but yo people, that was shanny meditating at the wall, nothing to get nervous over. i was really happy with my game. three cheers to shanny, hip hip hurray!!!!

ms wong said that if we won vj, she will treat us. and she is really a woman of her word. had pizzahut at parkway. really had much fun gossiping and gossiping. think the other people at the restraunt also very pissed off with this bunch of weird pp at the back of the place, tearing down the walls with the volume of a kazillion dicibles. birthday cake for mils and winn.

i have GREAT JUNORS AND A GREAT TEAM... i really LOVE YOU PEOPLE. thank you for being such a big part of my life, i really want to be with u all for a longer period of time, but time has only allowed me a few months. we have a great leader and great team players. i really hope that this is not my last match, i want to play as long as i can. however, time only allows me this year as my very last in this sport, i want this moment to last longer. the longer the better. i want to feel young, and use this time to do the things i love - tennis.

out of the 4 teams in our draw, i personally think that we are the best team. though we screwed the first two pretty badly due to lineup and chance, i can see ourselves there. i think we deserve to get into the next round. if we get into the next round, which i really cross my fingers and hope to die. i am going to give the team a really good talk about that will and thirst of victory. what we lack is the will power to believe that WE CAN DO IT. we lack that self confidence and trust in our very own skills. but if we have the drive and will power, i believe we can trash everyone flat. this is what we NEED... SA TENNIS FOREVER!!!

ps: irragance and pride is due to current mood. damn freeking happy and cant believe we did it.

I'm in

i am really on the whole entrepreneur thingy this fri. our class is really getting together for this thing. i can already feel our class spirit burning, waiting to escape and "overflow its measure". even i am so hicked up bout this project we are going into. so cool. just hope that it will be a BIG FAT WITH A CHERRY ON TOP SUCCESS!!! i am so excited bout it. even i love the idea of the things that we are making.

went down to boat quay/ carpenter street today with samsiah and carol. was like amazing race trying to find that pathatic shop. bussing and walking around. and the shop was really cool. sell almost everything that we needed. and at a rather cheap average price per item, the problem is that everything was and HAVE to be bought in bulk and it bottles down to a big fat price.

better be worth it

holding strong

it is hard to keep my mind from spacing out. too hard. the whole match i was holding on to my nerves, trying to keep it from the edge. never felt so nervous in a match for such a long time. too long. it was only the begining before the pumping and excess flow of blood streaming through the nerves to the head. is was pumping so hard (don think dirty). too hard. the feet does not want to move. i felt like a stone. too heavy. too slow. but...

WE WON... 3-2... too close.

i figured that we have pretty good doubles... (maybe talking bout myself) but really. even whoops say so. and i must really say that i really played not so bad. this is the first time i am so confident on my serve. figured out a new way of serving. though it is not as good as my flat first serve, it is still better than anything else. got to learn how to spin the ball to form this really deep C curve ball. damn happy i figured it out not too late. my lobs also not bad... they still dare to play lob with me... really ban men nong fu. if cannot then dont show off to the master. if you want to see who can hit out first then your on!!! i confirm win one... i am just divine in this area... (like as if) hey... but give me the benefit of doubt la, just for one day)

i am really happy that we won. truthfully speaking. i really did not have the confidence that we will be able to win this time round. think i over estimated them. but i know that vj will not be easy. fat chance. really hiting on both doubles and if lucky one singles. WE CAN DO IT!!! come on people... i have the faith in you who will trash them say " I "... i hear echos... we are so there.

went to city harvest church yesterday...
not bad...
best i have been to so far...
not bad...

painful - heart of thorns

was so have our match against TJ today in school, but due to the rain heavy downour, we did not have both sportsday and postponed our match to monday. maybe god wants me to go for sports day and win the TJ match at the same time. we really have to win the match, our fate depends on it. He knows that i cant play with noise and if it clashes with sportsday, there will be more than noise. at least there will be silence on monday if the guys did not go down to support (which i think they will) but there will confirm not be any intensive cheering... blah blah blah...

went down to support the guys and their match against NJ today at NJ. just made it there in time to see brian lose his match and zat win his. i got to watch what i went down for - XQ and keneth match. their doubles rocks. brians lost was kinda of funny. the moment we stepped into the courts area, the other guy (sean) started to run. like somehow trying to impress the girls. so freeking funny. brian "blames" the girls for his lost. zat on the other hand played pretty well. both zat and XQ/keneth match were very tight. very exciting to watch. simply love watching guys doubles, i am a sucker for a good double match. they keep ping ping piang piang-ing. but though we lost 3-2. i could really see edward fighting and running for every ball. good job!! his opponent is suposed to be the only NJ guy that will have a comfirm win. some guy called alex...

this is by far the most painful match i have watched. my heart goes out to the guys. they really tried hard and pushed themselves to the end. three cheers for you all.

had a pretty good talk with sheena just now. got an update on the rest of the draw. it goes as follows:

TP: won NJ (3-2)
VJ: won NJ (4-1)
TJ: lost NJ (3-2)
VJ = 2 damn good singles player who are fast and consistant

that will mean that we really need to fight it all out to get into the next round. we have to win both TJ and VJ...
urmmmm......

TCC

finally got down to TCC for lunch/dinner/snack or watever after like one whole week of planning. mr lian did not turn up today. why is he always on mc or leave when we have his tutorial? but anyway, we managed to puch up PE and ended school early at 1+2 something.

have not stepped into the earth of town for a damn long time. all the time for the past few weeks i have been drowning in tutorials and essays pilled skyhigh. suddenly ever since BT1 i am suffocating in geography. the amount of goeg tutorial can really kill and pressurise you till your brain is left with nothing but squash. i used to be able to keep my tutorial progress in time but this time around even i cant take it. let alone the rest of the class. though i am happy that i can practice my geog but the amount is... all but weighing me down on my sleep every wed and thurs night. i thought i have enough tutorials for the week but NO!!! i have to do two more questions by the dawn of monday's first light. sianzzzzzzzzzzz...........

back to today... took many neoprints and pictures on digi-cam. really got many of them involved in picture time. i LOVE taking photos. and i LOVE it more when they are printed out and placed in my collection of teenage photos. posted the neoprints i have at the bottom of the left bar.

civics for reflection

assembly for today we were shown our BT1 "report card" well... the only thing i can say is that the figures were an eyesore. thats about anything i can say anyway... thus we were made to reflect during civics on our bad results by writing it down.

what was the strategy used in the preperations for BT1?
was the strategy effective? why or why not?
how would you improve on the strategy?
what grades do you personally think you are capable of?
what are your targets for the next exam (BT2)?
how do you intend to achieve this?
what do you think are effective means to cope with stress during the periof of examination?

these were the questions that we had to reflect on. where do anyone begin in their reflection in the first? personally... i really find this reflection thingy really useless at this point of out academic development. it has been so long since the exams and do close to the next one that i dont think it very effective. why must we waste one peroid doing it? i have already been reflecting on my results so much here that i know very well what the hell i think of myself. ever since mr lian gave us that lecture, my mind has already been set in the direction of reflection and the wheels are oiled. when a talk gets into your head, blood will automatically flow into the brain to activate the cells and brain juice. a normal functioning human being will have already started in well in the depths of their reflection.

emotionally unwell

i cant believe the uncountable times i cried while reading this book. thought the story is all the usually tale and closely following the legand of the seven swan brothers, i have cried and cried over and over again, pouring my heart out for the intensity of the pain i feel for her. i cant even remain silent for and keep my mouth shut for two hours and let along for four years of torment and suffering. that would have been impossible length of time to give away even if it was for the good for my siblings. i would never give up my mouth for the love of my bro and sis (wat love?) it is just not worth the torture. but imagine if you have to suffer in silence for years (literally) while restorting yourself to rape and torture of making shirts.

but i have got to say that this book is very exciting it boils your blood. i was all really excited and so high half way through the book. think it got me so high that i was reading so fast and missing out on the nice details. the burning, the jail and the romance are all so good!!! spent damn long time reading this 500++ pages book, bout one whole week.

"i'll bring you an apple," he said, and he turned and disappeared into the shadows. "the first apple of the autumn."

All that he had of her was his memory, where he had every moment, every single moment that she had been his. that was all he had, to keep out the loneliness.

i simply loved these two lines. they are so sweet and contributes to 1/10 of the body fluids that flowed out through my eyes. the moment i read them, more that what i had expected was pouring out of my eyes and overflowing. if any guy who would go through this for me, i will just marry him. i am a sucker for romance. i am so emotionally unstable that even i suffer badly from the heartbreak when i read a book. like what the hell is that? i can feel my whole heart crash and burn in the deepest depth of my heart.

i am a freeking sucker for romance!!!

prince williams

i dreamt of prince williams last night. all really good looking and young. he bought me a damn giant house with a pool and brought me to cold storage for a party where we had bread and cheese together. he was my boyfriend. though it was a dream but it was cool. how often can you be prince williams boyfriend? only luck people like me can have the privilage to hold hands with the crown prince...

the guys had their match against AJ this afternoon. won overall of 4-1. though AJ had relatively good players, SA just had better, more consistant players. it finally dawn to me that guys are damn boring supporters. the entire first few mins i was there i already had the urge to scream and jump bout and the boys just sunk their butts into the grass and practice putting their palm together at the rate of 1 per second. i was so glad the rest of the girls decided to turn up and accompany me in my screaming frenzy. think all the guys present at the courts today (both SA and AJ) were super irritated by me and my super loud voice. that is their problem, i do what i jolly well please! the AJ guys were giving me that "get shut up and sit down" look and well, hell with all of them. by the end of 1st and 2nd singles i was standing on the bench hollaing my heads off the existance of the shadows, waving my hands up and down, jumping on the bench and creating earthquake for JL and lizard. if you saw me, you would have categorised this pile of meat and fats BIMBO.

brian really almost make me kowtow him. he has two matches today - tennis and rugby. and him, being as fit as ever manage to pull both roles of effortlessly and perfectly sweatless. i finally saw the extent to this speed today when he played singles. man can those gorgeous legs run!!! before i can say "go brian" he has already reached the ball from the other side of the courts. man is he superman or what??? no wonder he is winger in rubgy team. and i finally found out that pretty boy has tons of fans and all of them being girls. the moment he finished his match, all the "brian" supporters dissapeared into thin air leaving nothing but the residue of their rubbish on the floors. so conclusion is that brian has many MANY girls after him and that he is popular.

cant be complacent

looking deep into my BT1 results, i have the following to say:

- i have spent only one week reading ink on paper pulp
- i started all subjects revision only max two days before
- i got DDE
- i did better than most pp i know
- i cannot get too complacent

looking deeper into the future, i have the following to say:

- shanny is going to get CCC for BT2
- shanny is going to study in order to achieve goal
- shanny is not going to be complacent as pp can be better
- shanny is going to start revision startin after season
- shanny is going to become more mentally stable
- shanny is going to be more itelligent

the toll in my life

what would my life be without tennis??? this is going to be my last year in competitve competition and really dont want it to end. i have been holding a racquet ever since i could remember and i want to have one in my hands till i winkle up and buried. my second life force and everything. i was really reflecting just now after the match. life without tennis will be souless. tennis is one of those sports that you can play at anypoint in time in you life. evidence of tai tai and ah pehs playing at YCK. it proves that it is a sport that keeps you fit too... i inspire to be a tai tai playing with short micro skirt, showing off my flabby legs and playing tennis with my lao gong.

todays match was damn wasted. though we lost 4-1, the three games we lost was 9-8 (tie break 7-1) for Jialin, 9-7 for winn and YH and 9-7 for me and whoops. we really could have won. it was so close yet so far. but this time round it was a rather big accomplishment for me and whoops, this is the first time in my history in tennis matches being able to catch up 7 games in a row after being down 6-0. i really pushed myself to get each ball and we managed to pull it off. though i have lost, i did put up a really good fight. i like my fighting spirit. our grouping this year really sucks. all the schools are bout the same standard, even sheena agrees.

speakin bout her, it has been one whole year since i last saw her and it was last tournment with SA. my "childhood" playmate. i was just telling louis how can anyone forget a friend like her. we have been spending so much time together when we were young playing in drama and hanging around after classes and playing rapter on computer. all the time and interaction we have had over the years. and mommy knows her dad, going over to her place every year for chinese new year playing mahjong. some friends like sheena, jie wei, jie min, alex, vera and ET all cannot be forgotten. they are just those people who you spend so much of your time with when you are young and innocent, they are engraved deep in the mind of every nuclus in every brain cell. though all in very different schools now, i still remember.

i believed in myself wrong

got back my geog results today, after ten millions centuries waiting for that little red mark to be drawn on the piece of paper. could have already decomposed and exposed myself to intense weathering already while waiting for the teachers to finish marking. all you see now are rock boulders and sand particles left by physical and mental weathering. i did not really appreciate the mind games the teachers were playing with me, plus all the lecturing and disappointments. in fact i really hated it. it made me feel demoralized and rejected. i am already 18 and with a "relatively" mature mind and i know how to set my piorities right, especially when my As are coming up at the end of the year. i dont need teachers breathing down my neck, telling me i need to put in more effort in my work. though i do agree that i have not been putting in as much effort as in sec sch, but i know when to play, when to hit the books and when to do both.

in fact, i have kinda proved to myself that i could handle stress and motivate myself in the course of this whole week. i have never been so drowned in homework and tutorial before. and with the tournment season up and started, i have less time on my hands and more things to focus on.

things i have on my hands 5 days ago
1. GP powerpoint presentation (only to have ST to work with)
2. GP research
3. 2 human geog tut
4. 3 phy geog tut
5. SM essay (took damn long to do)
6. GP compre
7. Geog fieldwork research and prep
8. match on wed and sat
9. some people
10. study econs MRP again

i manage to finish all these while sleeping way later than i normally do. it is something that i have been really pushing myself to do. i can do it...

geog results though was not what i really wanted, it was still better then i thought when mr lian spoke to us the other day. though i was really aiming for a B this time round... i manage to out do my lack of confidence and gotten a D. thus this far, my results stand horribally at DDE. next time around, i am going to aim for CCB. i know i will be able to do it if i push and push and PUSH!!! (dont worry i am not pregant)

why them??? why me???

it is all against the basic demands of human nature. even the birds and the bees dont resort to anything of that cort... just tell me why is it them and not some one ten times more in nature to myself. this is something so new and something i dont want to happen. change is not good for your health, esp when shanny says so. it is okay when it occurs to others but when God have decided turned the tables and pretend he is blind, i think he is not thinking in a straight line... not funny!!! humanly unacceptable to mankind history...

known (i think) them for a long time, both... but is is only now that i truly wonder if God has my fate sealed. this is not happening to me!!!

pain... sorrow... confusion... weird... processed... maybe dead...

i'm sorry

life without a computer in your house can kill.
sorry for not bloggin (i cant help it coz certain miser dont want to get a new com)
sorry for not visiting (no com cant visit)
sorry for not loading mt lastest pics (some com just dont work)
sorry for everything

singing the tune of my song

today was the match against my all time "favourite" school. like as if last year wasnt that bad, this year i see them again. and then we have to suffer the same sealed fate. destiny is something i want to toy with. every inch of anticipation is drowned on seein them again, this time wishing so bady to get back at ms pink hair band and rookie. but sadly, they are not pairing up together. got my hopes up for nothing.

my match was like feeding chicken balls. like oh my freeking god!!! they cant even return a decent serve by whoops. and whoops serving is really bad!!! but i have got to say that today, she was much better then her usual self. won 9-2. too bad lady ah lian and fatso cant play. think they belong in library. doing arm exercise that way will be more benificial (sorry lyn didnt mean it)

for once i had left all my dignaty and image aside in order to act like this demented and retard dumb blond bimbo idiot, jumping up and down with make shift pompoms (towels) screaming and squeeling my heads off at the 1st doubles match. if you had seen me there and then, you would have disowned this friend of yours and settle for a baboon for companionship. but bimbo only comes with excitement, if only you have watch winn and Yuhui playing with ms blabber loud mouth with pink hair band and mdm 45 degrees. you would have adopted the bimbo airhead policy and resort to jumping and bring out all the best moves in the international bimbo dictionary to relieve stress. if tie break did not excite you... i dont know what will. if only blabber mouth will just shut her trap and keep the ball in and mdm 45 degrees go back to her choir, things would have been better.

dinner at kenny rogers. this time everyone was there unlike last year. had a really fun and crappy time with everyone. i have to say that i really did enjoy this dinner. very seldom have we sat together to crack dumb and dumber jokes. conversation was really good though it did not make really much of a sense. but then again i dont really care. i have really weird juniors and i love them all. every one of them...

thanks guys...

my dakota cresent

last night i was trying to figure out the way to get to this ulu-nated road in the midst of our little island only to find out that that flooded area is at old airport road... yup, the place where there is this really famous hawker center which has really good lormee, hokien mee, kuay chap, prawn mee and not to forget indian rojak. this is the bestest place in singapore to engage yourself in a major eating spree. you can sit there for hours gorging yourself to death.

back to topic... this is part of the geog fieldwork thingy that we have to do and i must say, though it was only half an hour of walking 100 meters along the road, i thought that it was much fun. armed with the digi cam, we shot everything that is in sight. even got to talk to one of the residents, who was more than glad to be our source of info for the time. with the teethless grin and everything, he told us that waters were knee high... we also got to walk along the geylang river, with in todays standard, is singapore's version of a canal. not those really nice river basins you see overseas.

reasons for urban flood at dakota cresent
1. high tide
2. northeast monsoon
3. low lying area
4. bad drainage in area
5. urbanisation
6. lack of large trees
7. soil infiltration rate low
8. concrete

because of this...
coach may be thinking of splitting me and whoops up
hope it doesnt happen
he may think i m not be up to it
i want to prove him wrong

anger management

i was feeling so pissed when i played my match against JJ today. i swear i have never threw my racquet before but today i just slammed it straight onto the cement without considering the consequences of a dent to either my racquet, the floor or my ego. really have no idea where all these anger came from and where it all originated from. it felt like it has been building inside me for so long and just resulted in an eruption of anger and flume. normally, anger and frustration during a match is gradually build up but this time... i may need a brain doctor.

i thought that i would not be playing today, but then winn decided to appeal over to CJ and that left the team with one less. then i was called upon to fill up for her double at the LAST MIN!!! i hate things that are decided at the last min. the thing is that i was pigging out at the cafe before the news came bout. talk bout bloat and shut eye. if you think waiting 4 hour for ur game rock, think again. i was close to dead by 1+pm. not only was i suffering from a full stomach but my lower spine hurts so bad i could hardly get out of the bench.

i played rather bad today. though we won 9-4. i somehow have to give ms wong a reason for my gameplay on wed. i know that i have been playing bad but nobody is perfect. thing is that i cant even get the normal forehand cross the net. high time i need to practice my first serve and lob. i may be needing it in two weeks. i think it is LDMR liao..

taken from corinna's blog

"it's guys like Dingyuan who make people believe in love again. he was soooo sweet to jillian! yesterday for her birthday, he planted clues around school for her to find her pressie den it lead to an empty locker where it was a photo album of them together. He left half the album empty for her to fill it in herself. so sweet k!!!!!!!!!!!!! *melts*"

that is proberly the sweetest thing i ever known that CAN HAPPEN... it is SO FREEKING SWEET!!! if only the earth has more guys like DY. the world would be a better place. everything would be ten thousand million times more blissed and fulfilling. too bad people like these do not turn up too often, proberly once in an eternal years. we should start cloning DYs and distribute them all over the world.

the things bout MOST guys available in the present world are that they share almost the most commonly similar traits that seems to be some sort of world wide epidemic. insensitive, calculative, MCP, ego, unromentic Y-chorosomes that do NOT have these incorporated in their DNA is only the 0.1 percent in history that makes up of - a)GAYS + b)DEAD + c)people who looks like shakespeare + d)robots + e)prince charming in fairytales + f)DYs.

*this really made my feel better*

this is no belated April Fool's day joke

i know that i have not been blogging very often in the past week and this is totally not my fault that my fingers never felt the computer keyboards in this short and sadly eternal extended period of time. something call diablio have prevented me from carassing the plastic alphabets and this is linked to a large extent to some 90+kg y chorosome addin pressure to four plastic legs, causing it to sink into the marble flooring. these few days have been a torture to my existance.

the world was not every kind to me this week as i must say. there are so many things that are on my mind now and they are weighing my brain cells down into the gutter. upset over a plenty of events that have taken place in the space of 5 days.

1. did very horrible for econs - i have studied very hard for this subject. spent 85% if my preperation time on this subject and yet it doesnt show in any way in the red circle at the top of the paper. sometimes i feel that all my efforts have turn in the grave and i am un-incented and disparaged to dig up all my perserverance, hopes and dreams. the pound of all these daunted and demoralizing outcome make me want to quit school and resign my fate to working at mcdonalds. i really want out of studying in singapore

2. Silas Marner- i really dont know what she wants. no matter how hard i tried and how ever effort i put in in this paper i can never seem to smell 12. why? i am tired of anticipating my grades everytime i see her face and hear her nonexistance voice. i am really fatigued and totally exasperated in this section of lit. the grades i get make me want to walk across the street and freefall from PSA. i simply am too tired to even try to understand her. i am tired, too tired

3. lost my appetite- donno if this is a cause or effect, but it is begining to affect me mentally and physically. maybe it is ring worms or overdose of concentrated HCL stirring in the walls of my stomach. i am seriously worried bout this. i have very seldom been in this path for more than 3 days and this time... i have not been eating much during breaks and i eat waayyy less at dinner. is it the post-exams stress???

4. people are doing better than me- i feel the competition growing so intense and agonizing. it is biting and ferviding into my skin, my brains, my heart, my life... i hate this fervent feeling biulding inside me. i know that i can be capable of much better results but why cant i seem to bring that part of my goal out for the whole world to see. i really dont understand. competition is begining to make me lose focus and direction. sometimes i dont know what am i working towards, what i want. it's worse than a fire building inside me

5. financial budgeting- i really need the money now. i am feeling so tied up and constricted everytime i walk pass shops. it's choking my windpipe i cant breathe properly or think in a straight line. i just need to let it all go. i just want to feel the lost satisfaction in my life and feel it erupting again. it's like a drug, i cant step out of it

6. missing soul- i feel lost and annihilated. i dont know what is it that i truely want from life anymore. i seem to have lost all my dreams and fantasies over night. everything good is missing from my life. i want more but yet i cant say what. that sense of irrecoverableness; that i have lost everything for good. the lack of focus and direction, no one is pointing me anywhere now. i need a guiding light