I smiled =)

These days I'm confused again. My feelings are playing me again. What I had gone through 2 years back, now it's all coming back to me. Just like what happened last time, when I'm with my friends, I tried to laugh and smile with them. Maybe I'm trying to cover up my feelings. When I face you, I smiled too. I don't want to be awkward when facing you so I smiled. I could see that you wanted to smile at me too but you tried not to. I'm sorry for ignoring you, for fighting back my feelings. This time I don't want to let my feelings control me again. I'm letting my rationality to control my mind and my actions. I know I did things that made you hate me and disappointed, it's best that way. It's best that you hate me and move on without me. I keep telling myself, I couldn't give you more. I don't have what it takes to love you and give you what you want. We both are different. We are not young anymore. We should think of our future and we both know sooner or later, it will end too. I'm ending it now because I feel right now, your feelings towards me are the least and after me, there are many people that are better waiting to be with you. All I hope for is you be happier than me and without me. I don't want us to keep going through this over and over again. We've been saying break ups and reunion more than 10 times. Now maybe 20? It makes the "break-up" like a game. It makes us don't take everything seriously anymore. It's like you know we will back together the day after we broke up. Moreover, this decision was made by you. You should know best what kind of person am I so you keep taking advantage on me. I'm already struggling with my life, my studies and I need to help you with your things. Sometimes I'm just so tired. Whenever I tried to tell you how I feel, you'll just ignore me and says all I care about is myself and my own feelings but in reality, I care for you so much more than I care for myself. No offence but you're the one that's only caring for yourself. Friends around me saw me and said I've lost myself. All my happiness were faked by me. They could see that. It's like I didn't really laugh or be happy for a long time. I actually wish we could work it out this time as I trusted you and tried to love you once again, and now, it's proven I'm wrong. I'm sorry but I just need to take a break and relax and live for myself. I've been living for you for a year and a half. It's a waste for a year and a half relationship to be ended just like that. I know I never did anything nice for you, I'm sorry for that. I appreciate what you did for me before. I don't know how to describe my feelings anymore. I found a song that could describe part of it. This is the song, titled Simple but Lonely.

Tough life

If you see me writing or posting blogs, normally it means I'm really stressed out that I need to release at least bit of it out. I'm very tired nowadays and stressed out in all ways. College assignments, tests, works all of them I can't seem to do very well this semester. For the first time I scored so badly in my test that I just manage to pass it. I feel so ashamed and disappointed. On the other hand, I can't follow up my studies. Taxation, Financial planning, Management of Accounting, Entrepreneurship and Fundamentals of Accountings. I don't understand what I'm studying at all. I'm scared to fail and if I fail it's a big issue. It means I have to stop my education and work. I can't fail. I never think of this semester would be this hard. Everything is out of my expectations. 

There's no one that understands what's going on. Not even me! Maybe I spent too much time on things that I shouldn't care. I should change now. Bless me. =/

A Post From Facebook

This is a post I found on Facebook. People misses you but you'll never realize it.


其实我真的好想你，但是你这个笨蛋永远都不会理解我

◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在早上醒来的时候，看看手机，有没有你发来的信息

，有 没有你的未接来电。
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在上网的时候，首先关注你的空间，看看你最近是不是有 更新。
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在聊天的时候，翻阅你发给我的短信，看着你的照片，回 忆一下那些美好时光
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是饿了会想你饿么，冷了想你会冷么
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是走在大街上看到男男女女，好希望那一对对里有我们
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是把你的来电调成唯一的铃音，放在我身边，并时不时的看 看是否自动关机，是否信号良好
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在吃小吃的时候，想如果你能和我一起吃，那该是多幸福 的事啊
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在听歌的时候，偶尔会被某句歌词击中，脑中出现短暂的 空白
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是想看看你的样子，听听你的声音
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在别人无意提起你的时候，愣在那里，不知答话
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在睡前紧握着手机，等待着你的情话，等待着你说晚安
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是睡不着的时候想想你，但是，我不知道我是因为睡不着而 想你，还是因为想你而睡不着
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在每次醒来的时候，第一个想到你……

✖或许想念只属于某一个人，如果两个人都在想念彼此，那一定 是一对幸福的恋人

Untitled

Recently, life is confusing. Not just my own life, but I made others confused too. I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say besides 'sorry'. The person I am now, I still don't know who am I becoming. I know I changed much but I can't recognize myself yet. Life is tiring life is confusing life is full with problems yet it is also full with probabilities and hopes. I sincerely hope that I won't let anyone down which is impossible. I let myself disappointed and down the most. I'm not appreciating myself and what I'm having. I'm being a jerk I'm being a selfish A.H.

I hate it....

I wish every thing to be better. It will all get better in time..

Don't Know...

It has been long since I last update. Many things happened. My feelings all were kept inside. I don't know how to express it out. Till now I still can't express it out. Day by day I feel more and more stressed out and tired. I don't know why are we still holding on to each other when there is nothing to hold on to. I don't know why am I still hanging on to our memories though I know that you won't be the same again. I don't know why I can't make up my mind and stick to my decision and just live all by myself. I really hate myself right now. Everything that happens I feel that it's not right. When I'm with you, though we seems normal and sweet in front of others, we both know that both of us are acting. This relationship is full with lies, it's totally empty. Today you asked me to take things for you again. You were so demanding. Everytime last minute only tell me to do this and that, I'm fed up with it. I don't like it. I don't like it at all! It makes me feel that I'm your servant, I'm your driver I'm everythig that I don't wish to be. I hate myself for being so weak and so soft towards you. I really disappointed in myself. I really can't continue with this life. I need to do something. I'm sorry if I hurt you eventhough I know you won't be hurt as much as I am. Please don't say sorry if you don't mean it. It really hurts and disappoint me when you said it and you don't mean it.

First post for Holiday

When I was busy for college life, I wish for holiday. Now I'm having holiday but without plans. When I wake up, I don't know what to do. Looking at myself in the mirror, feel that life is meaningless without any purposes. Need to find purposes to fill up my holiday =) Can't waste it again. First, I need finish off all my novels which have been on the shelf for months and almost a year! ;)

To Bea, sorry bout your ah chor, still I hope you and yr family will be fine soon. May God rest her soul. She'll be fine beside Him. She looks after all of you from above. She will be watching over you always ;)

Sleepy

Now I'm up! I'm terribly very very sleeepy. Eyes couldn't even ope just now. Tring life! What can I do? Last minute person suffer last minute. :( Wish could study finish it. not wish but a must and tomorrow will do well. As for accounting, ready to hang myself. :((

Brain Clean Up (I wish)

Just back from dental checkup. Didn't do anything just check. Next appointment will be in Feb. Tomorrow is the first day of the exam. English paper. Scare of the essay and letter writing part. This sem all of us didn't score well in out coursework. Hope can do as best as I can.
Sat will have IOB which is management. read the tutorial questions, forgotten what I had read last few days. I'm dead. Can't memorize at all. How am I suppose to do well in the exam? Management needs much memorising and my brain is full with that thing. Wish to delete it and replace it with management and other things. :(

Me - Weirdo or Silly?

What's this feeling? Why I have the urge to message you but at last I let my cowardness take over me. I dare not message you at all. I dare not even set my food into your life anymore. I want to tell you that I want to hug you badly, to kiss you madly, to hold you tightly but I just couldn't do it. Thinking of you and him, my mind just goes off imagining. I can't control myself. I feel like rushing there to find you and I don't care even if you push me away. All I want is to have you again but many reasons many people hold me back. I wish I was not me. I wish I'm a player. I wish I'm not a weakling. I wish I'm a winner in the game of love and not always the loser.
Why everytime when I gave my all, betrayed my policies, all I get is break ups, hurts, tears, madness, moody, etc.. Why I want to be so stubborn and continue to be with you when I don't love you at all? Why I want to find back the feelings when I should know the ending I'll get? Why is that so?
Is it really because I'm too good to be loved? Is it because I'm too boring as time goes by? Is it because I didn't give you all that you want? Why I didn't let go of you when my feelings to you were least and your feelings to me were most? If I did leave you, I won't be this sad. I won't be this crazy, I won't be thinking of you and him. There are just too many things that I will be if I left you. However, I didn't. I stayed with you. Am I really too kind or too silly to let myself hurt rather than letting you hurt? Why I must hurt myself this way? It's been 3 times I got this. Everytime the same thing happens. Everytime before it started, I already knew the ending. Am I really destined to stay single? I guess I really shouldn't look forward to having a long-term relastionship anymore. Every time I hope it will last, every time I get kicked out of the relationship. I don't know whether I should say this is what I deserve as I don't listen to my friends' advices and be silly over and over again or I'm just a weirdo that loves the feeling of getting hurt over and over again.
.....

Live life to the fullest!

Each day is precious and so full of wonderful possibilities
Do not waste it by worrying.
Worries will only take your strength away.
Leave your worries behind,
Instead fill your life with joy and peace.
Learn to love and to share.
Enjoy the simple pleasures in this complex world.
Live life to the fullest.
Make each day count.
For happiness lies within you.

SOS

Dad just went to KL and I'm alone right now waiting for mum.. now is almost 8pm and today I didn't study at all.. will off now and study. I hate myself right now! I wish I could study. Any ways for me to motivate myself to study? I'm in a dead end right now!

H-E-L-P!!

It's time to stop this silly-ness

It is time to stop thinking about you. It is time to stop thinking bout us. It is time to start thinking about ME. It is time to start fighting for MYSELF. It is time to let go of you. It is time to say goodbye to you. It it time to delete you. It is time to forget you..
There's no more reasons for me to keep holding on to this meaningless thoughts. I should stop now. I will be stronger and I will be happier and I will live my life to the fullest. Even there's only me, I will still make it to the top of my life!
I wish you every happiness with him..

Today

Today, I have nothing much to write about other than I wasted another day..
Today, I missed you again...

The Shits =D

These are some Shits I found from my bitch's blog. It's kinda funny and cute and disgusting. Yet I enjoyed it. =) Hope you guys too ;)


doodie.com


doodie.com


doodie.com


doodie.com
Happy New Year ! xD


doodie.com
A Famous Game =______=


doodie.com


doodie.com


doodie.com


doodie.com


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I should shit more :P

You can see others at doodie.com =) Enjoy.

A day closer...

Today had a great sleep! Slept till 11.00am till Watchreen message me to 'date' me out again. That means money gona credited again. =(
Went to QB at bout 12pm. Watch had a minor accident but the other driver's sister was making such a big deal out of it. However, plans still went on =) Went to had lunch at Manhattan Fish Market. Long time didn't eat there already and it was filling. Pity the waitress named Michelle. We kept asking her for this and that. Haha~ but her service was very good :D
Then we went to Borders Starbucks and hang out there till bout 6.30p.m. Time flies. So fast a day is gone again. And I didn't really manage to study as we kept talking bout high school memories. I miss my high-school days :'(
Now I'm back home again. Just bathe and soon gna have my dinner and start my revision. Yesterday didn't manage to study finish. Today don't think I can too. Let's just hope I can study as much as I could!
Just now went to get my exam slip from Beatrice. Argh~ Hate to see that slip! Exam is acually only 6 DAYS LEFT!!! So dead X________X
That's it for today =)

Emptiness..

Why suddenly I feel moodless?
Out of sudden no mood to do anything.
Feels so empty.. :/

Don't Forget

This is a post I read from my cousin's and I feel it's what I shouldn't forget. Enjoy =)

I want to remember to breathe.
I want to remember to watch the stars once in a while.
I want to remember to make it a point to look someone in the eye and tell them how special they are.
I want to remember who I am, who I was and who God wants me to be.
I want to remember that my past does not define my future, but it helped me get here.
I want to remember that being different is not easy, but it's not that hard either.
I want to remember to run through the rain and not worry what my hair looks like.
I want to remember to have an influence in where I am.
I want to remember why I do what I do- and that it's okay if I'm forgotten.
I want to remember to smile.
I want to remember to keep fighting for what I believe.
I want to remember that society does not define me and that rules do not limit me.
I want to remember all the people who are just like me- searching for something- and letting them know that being different isn't something that should stop them from aiming big.
I want to remember all the small things that make huge ripples in my life.
I want to remember why life IS beautiful.
I want to remember to keep living.

and if I ever forget..... please remind me.

I wish..

I wish.... I will receive a message from you saying that you miss me
I wish.... I will hear you saying that you love me again
I wish.... I could hold your hand and dating again
I wish.... I could hold you in my arms again and hug you tightly
I wish.... I could kiss you right now till we could forget everything that happened
I wish.... To be the whole world to you
I wish.... That you were mine again...

Tiring day

Just back from college. Class till 5pm but today is the last day for semester 2 until next week will be the exam. I'm so scare and nervous for it as I haven't study yet. Time's catching up and I need to study day and night. May I will get good results.
After class went to Gurney for a while. Nothing to do. saw many shirts but too bad no money to buy or should i say dare not buy. Still have the feeling of dare not spend money on myself. But it's good as I can save money now =)
Today at class took many pictures with lecturers and tutors and mates. Time flies till we don't even realise it's the end of second semester. Anyway, this means my holiday is reaching soon after the exam. Where shall I spend my holiday? What shall I do now that I have no boundaries (except my parents' one)?
Cant wait till after exam =) hope I can study like the bullet train and when it's holiday time passes like the old train. =D
Till then, see ya ;) XOXO

I wonder....

Yesterday I didn't have a good nigh sleep. Kept waking up in the middle of the night. I even woke up at 7.30 and thought i got class at 8. I was blurred. I don't have the mood to sleep at all. Actually I don't have the mood to do anything at all. I feel strengthless.
A day before yesterday, we broke up and I sent you those messages acted like I'm fine, I don't care, but it hurted you. What else can I do to make you stop loving me other than those messages? It sure worked as yesterday the way you replied me is really cold. Especially when you message me 'Bye la'. The moment my tears fell and I cried. I purposely sent another message which i sent wrong to you to see how you react, but I got what you mean. Then suddenly my tears stopped. I had no idea why so sudden. I admit I acted like a jerk but I guess I should be happy and have no worries to move on as you had told me clearly that you stop loving me. I wouldn't be sure if you could really stop loving someone so fast but I guess it could on you.
You said maybe to me your love is a joke, it never is abd never was a joke. Why will you said so? I guess people like me it's hard to be trusted anyway and people like me who always looking for long-term relationship will never get one. I know I'm a boring person, I don't know romantic like others, I don't know how to surprise you and etc. In the end, people like me will get hurt. However guess by now I should be used to it =)
I love you and soon, it will be I loved you. I thank you for loving me before, for being with me for almost a year. May great things happen to you and of course to me. May you will find a love that you really need.

"I'm not the one you needed. I love you, goodbye" - Celine Dion, I love you, goodbye

May I be happy always :) I pray.. And may I will do well and study well in my exam. Wish me luck ;)
And to you, remember to eat on time, drink much water and rest well. Take good care of yourself. Toodles..

Officially a brand new life!

Today is my officially brand new day! Today no class so didn't go to school but went to Gurney Plaza instead with my childhood bestie Watchreen and my heap min =) Long time didn't meet up with my Min already.
Went to Gurney approximately at 12pm then had lunch at Manila place. Watch had Rosemary lamb while i had spaghetti and Min was late but she only planned to take the dessert anyway. She order I-don't-know-what's-the-name ice cream. The food is delicious =)
Then we went to walk around Gurney. Nothing much to do. Went to Fourskin and bought the hand string thing which cost me rm5.90. Once in a while spend for myself is good. Haha~
Came back home at bout 3.40pm then started to do my house chores. Tiring but had to do it anyway. And now I'm gonna off soon and start my revision. Exam is next week and I haven't start my revision yet. I'm so dead. Hope I can score it =) Good luck to me! :)
Oh, the pictures, I feel so lazy to upload it. Will just upload a few =)

Childhood bestie =)

Watch and I

Me with the soup :D

My heap Min :DD

Watch with her Lamb Chop

Me with my Spaghetti

Spaghetti
Rosemary Lamb Chop

The dessert Min ordered
yum~

Min with her cute face together with the dessert

Sexy heap!

Sexy heap & Bootylicious bestie!

Us


I had no idea why our faces were like this ==''

Another weird pic

Watch's HORNY face and Min's LALA pose! :P

Lastly, Half-faced me! haha [see my hand, the thing I was talking bout ;)]

That's all for today. Toodles... :)