Duck update

Duck beach was perfect. To all the naysayers—Duck is what you make of it. I had a fabulous time this year, even though I'm not a big fan of large parties. Great beaches. Great houses. Great friends. Great food. Great memories.

I love the beach. I love actually being able to see the stars at night. I love quiet roads with minimal traffic. I love having sand all over everything. I love being barefoot. I love eating on balconies with ocean views. I love sunshine on my skin. I love my friends.

Now for the recap. I do apologize, but for the sake of anonymity I can't really get into more specific details than these:

So, I mostly behaved myself. Gorgeous guy I'd gone out with a couple times awhile back made a reappearance. I succumbed to letting him attach himself to me for most of the weekend. I definitely do not need to date this guy, but fortunately, he lives in another state for the time being. This means that when it's time to say goodbye and he gets all cute, running his fingers through my hair and telling me how much he likes me, I can get away with just smiling and saying, “I've missed you.” Which was sorta true. I really enjoy spending time with him. And, call me superficial, it definitely helps that he's so easy on the eyes. But he's not right for me. And I'm glad to not have to make a decision about whether or not to go against my better judgment and let something more substantial happen between us.

I'm pretty sure that Beyond-a-Second-Date Boy and I just aren't happening. I'm sad about this because I wanted it to work. See, unlike this other guy, BSDB actually would be good for me. We got together for a little bit this weekend and had a nice chat. But that's all it was—just some pleasant banter. No depth, no excitement, no spark. I think we could be friends, though. Maybe.

Last thing. DBB still has my number. I'll just leave it at that for now.

Definitely some perks. . .

. . .to being single.

As you know, I'm headed off to Duck Beach this weekend. And this marks the beginning of a summer full of traveltraveltravel!

Some to other states, some to other continents. Some for work, some for fun. Between now and Labor Day I'll have covered over 20,000 miles. Eat your hearts out, married friends!

It's going to be a good summer.


PS I haven't forgotten that I need to update you about Beyond-a-Second-Date Boy. I'm conveniently waiting till after Duck for that. :)

The random hook up—part 2

One weekend, during the whole NEB saga, I took a road trip to a neighboring city with a couple of my roommates. An old guy friend of mine who lived there was having a party. My guy friend had told me that his roommate was a bit of a player. My roommate had also warned me with stories. But I wasn’t concerned because I'm hardly ever attracted to that type. Plus there would be plenty of girls for Player Boy to pursue at the party.

But I ended up being PB's lucky winner. And he was better than I thought. Even though I didn’t even like him that much. I mean, he was nice and fun and cute, but our personalities were quite different.

He ended up hovering around me all night . I guess I could've tried harder to lose him, but he seemed to just suck me in. Later we went to watch a movie on the beanbags and. . .what can I say? I couldn’t believe how forward he was. I certainly could’ve fought him more, but I felt weak.

Here is the pathetic part—I pretended it was NEB. Of course I felt nothing because it wasn’t NEB. But I tried to imagine. Ugh.

The following day we all went out to explore the city. PB stayed at my side all day and—even though I had told myself the previous night that I wouldn't—the evening once again led to the beanbag.

The next day we said goodbye. Meaningless, devoid of feeling. The whole time I knew it would be that way. And fortunately (as sad as this may sound) I didn’t like him that much so there was no hurt or anything to get over.

I think I need to remind myself of these experiences so that I will be good at Duck Beach this weekend. :)

Just to clarify

Not that you asked. But I'm going to anyways.

Today I re-read my last post and it occurred to me that it kind of sounded like I was leading that guy on just for fun. That wasn't really the case—hence the need for clarification.

The truth is that this guy and I had some very unique and fun things in common. We had a lot of stuff to talk about—things that both of us rarely had an opportunity to share with anyone else. Nothing totally life-changing, but nevertheless exciting.

The problem is that I recognized this guy as a player from almost the moment I saw him. (Yes, call me judgy, but I'll elaborate more on this in a minute.) I really wanted to believe that he wasn't just looking for some action, but in my heart I knew he was. So I kept hanging out with him and flirting with him and letting him put his arm around me and even hold my hand—all in the hope that mayyyybe I would find myself in for a pleasant surprise.

But ultimately I couldn't let him kiss me because I really did know better.

And, of course, overhearing him with his buddy on the last night confirmed that I had been right. That's why I was so upset with both of us. And also why I was kind of proud of myself for ruining his plan. Hopefully this story makes more sense now.

To finish up the story, and perhaps to his credit, he actually did call me not too long after Duck Beach week. I, however, waited almost 2 weeks to return his call. It wasn't because I was playing it cool, but because I really fought with myself over whether or not I actually wanted to go there. By the time I decided I'd go ahead and call him back, he had apparently either thought I was playing it too cool or had found someone else. Possibly both. I left a message on his voicemail and haven't heard from him since.

Now for the part where I'm judgy.

There are certain guys—we all know a few—that are so good looking and confident that they are used to having CONSTANT female attention. You instantly see it in the way they carry themselves and interact with others—particularly the ladies. You can even see it in their walk. They are definitely not used to rejection.

Duck Beach Boy was one such boy. And I usually steer clear of such boys. Let them flock from girl to girl as they please. I will not be one of those girls.

Except when, dang it, he really is irresistible and we actually have a lot of stuff in common. Then I become like every other silly girl that can't resist that gorgeous smile, perfect bod, and smooth-talking charm. Looking from the outside, I know what this guy is about and yet when I'm caught in the moment I pretend that this one is different.

But I don't need a guy like DBB. I need a guy that can focus on one girl at a time.

The random hook up—part 1

I am not the type to rush into a physical relationship. I prefer to save physical affection until there is some commitment.

A lot of mo-girls I know are the same way. (And a lot are not, but that's another story. . . .) I'm pretty good at avoiding situations that could turn into a hook up. Plus it's usually pretty easy to pick out the guys that are only interested in a fling.

But sometimes we still let this happen. I think for me it's mostly been when I was upset about another guy.

I thought I'd be proud to say that I resisted my most recent opportunity for a hook up last year at Duck Beach. (Don't know about Duck Beach? Imagine hundreds and hundreds of YSA's staying at beach houses for Memorial Day weekend on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.) But I can't be too proud because the truth is I spent my few days with this guy leading him on, then conveniently sneaking away when there was an opportunity to take it to the next level. On the last night I actually overheard him complain to one of his buddies about how he hadn't succeeded.

I was disgusted with him for just wanting one thing, but even more upset at myself because I knew from the beginning that that's what he wanted. I was proud of myself for denying him his object, but mad at myself that I had been involved in the game to begin with.

Back to my original point—I do believe that physical affection and commitment should go together—at least for me. Rushing into physical relationships can cause me to think I like the person more than I actually do. And that just can't end well.

Duck Beach is next weekend and I'm going to try harder to avoid those boys. I wonder—will I be seeing any of you there? ;)

I think I kinda get it.

You hear it all the time—both inside and outside the mo-community. Women get frustrated with the fact that so many men prefer the younger ladies.

A lot of reasons have been given for this phenomenon. Some men find younger women:
-more attractive
-more energetic
-more free-spirited
-more baggage-free
-more mold-able

The list probably goes on. And I'm not really here to support or refute these ideas. I'm just throwing them out there.

What I do wanna say is this: I think I can kinda see where men are coming from with that last one. Please don't misunderstand here. The only time I've ever been a cougar was when I was at a BYU football game.

But last year I was pursued by a guy more than 5 years younger than me. He was a great guy. Had I been even just a few years younger, I probably would've went for it.

But I just felt that we were at such different places in our lives. He was still working on his undergrad, partying it up with roommates, and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. I've got a Master's, a career, my own home, and am exactly on the path I want to be on.

So here's why I kinda get it. This path I'm on is pretty dang specific. Basically, I don't have the kind of career that I can just pack up and move to any part of the country where my Hypothetical Husband gets a job. And the path I'm on will continue to take me overseas. In the future my time overseas will likely be more long term.

A lot of guys my age are in a similar position as me—they're also established in their careers and can't just pack up and move overseas or wherever else their Hypothetical Wife's career may take her.

Now do you see the temptation? A younger guy who doesn't quite know what he wants yet could mold to ME! A win win, right? I get to keep my great career AND have someone special to share my life with. I can see why a guy would want this in a girl. Why shouldn't I want it in a guy?

Except. This guy in question? He was barely old enough to go to stake dances when I left on my mission.

Just can't do it.

Girls, please.

Loudly and publicly proclaiming how long it's been since you've been on a date is never appropriate.

Sorry, ladies, I wouldn't bring this up if I didn't see it happen far too often. (And I've seen it happen a number of times just recently.)

This is the problem:

1. No one knows how to respond to you when you say something like that. Are we supposed to pity you, start guy bashing, what? Because none of that is really comfortable or appropriate in public.

2. If you're hoping that some guy is going to overhear you and ask you out, keep on hoping. It's not gonna happen. It only makes you seem desperate which is less than attractive.

3. Even if by some miracle it does get you a pity date—do you really want a pity date?

We've all been there. But save it for that phone call with a good friend. Do not share it with everyone at Friday night's party.

The picky one

The cliche about single people is that they're single for one of the following reasons:

1. They're afraid of commitment.

2. They're too picky.

I confessed to hating commitment in my very first post. So I guess my confession to being picky is long overdue.

So yes, I am picky. But am I too picky? How picky is too picky?

I really don't think there's a satisfactory answer to that question.

We all know couples who pretty much fell in love at first sight. They had tons in common, were finishing each other's sentences after the first date, and hey—they even kinda look alike. This isn't to say their relationship is perfect, but there was never any doubt from the beginning that they were made for each other and would be sticking it out no matter what.

We also all know couples who really had to grow into each other—or at least one had to grow into the other. From the beginning they seemed to be polar opposites. The girl never imagined she'd be with a guy like that. Or vice versa. But somehow they've made it work. They're very independent, have their own interests and friends, but there's no doubt they really love each other.

Most of my relationships have been like the first kind. Obviously they didn't work out in the end for various reasons. But the fact is, we didn't ever really have to grow into each other. We were both hooked from the beginning.

For better or for worse, if I'm not feeling it after a first or second date, that's it for me. I don't like dating much to begin with, so if I'm not excited about it, I'm out. I also don't like the feeling of trying to talk myself into things, especially when it comes to relationships. I'd rather just nip it in the bud before feelings get too involved.

But I've often wondered if I'm going about it all wrong. I mean, what if I'd gone on more third and fourth dates? Would I be happily married right now?

Illustration.

Sometime last year I met this cute guy visiting from a neighboring state. He was really nice, a lot of fun, and extremely confident—in the good way. He was leaving town that night, but got my number and said he'd call me sometime.

Sure, whatever, I thought.

You can imagine my surprise when he actually called that very night. We ended up chatting for almost 2 hours. (And I am not a phone person.) It was a lot of fun. He told me he visits my city a lot and would like to take me out the next time he was in town.

But here's the thing. Even though it was surprisingly fun to talk to him, it was clear from the beginning that we didn't have much in common. Our life backgrounds, our education backgrounds, our career backgrounds, our ideas of fun—all so very different.

I decided not to go out with him when he came back into town.

I know. But there were gaps that I felt were unbridgeable. Go ahead and judge me. But I did what I felt was best at the time.

So am I going about dating all wrong? Especially as I get older. There's no denying that the already-small dating pool is getting smaller and smaller each year. If I can manage to find a nice guy who treats me well, is firm in the gospel, and isn't a loser, do I go ahead and try to make it work with him?

In the eternal scheme of things, is getting married to a good man and raising children more important than compatibility of interests and intellect?

I'm not looking for someone who's exactly the same as me. I definitely value my independence in relationships and would need to have some space to myself. But there are a few things that are reallllly important to me. These are things that majorly affect one's lifestyle, but ultimately have no bearing on whether or not someone is a good person or would make a good spouse.

So how picky is too picky?

I think it's different for everyone. I still don't have an answer for myself, but am trying to figure it out. I have recently decided to go beyond a second date with someone who is not what I have pictured for myself. But I do find myself getting kind of excited when he calls. So, let the experiment continue.

I'll let you, my dear blog stalkers, know how it goes. ;)

Internal pressure

A lovely non-mo recently asked me some questions related to the Mormon “pressure to get married.” It got me thinking.

I realized that for the past few years most of the pressure I've felt to get married has all come from within myself.

My mom used to pressure me a bit when I was a little younger. But ever since I had a good chat with her about it a few years ago, she's never brought it up again. Good mom, huh?

I used to feel a bit of pressure during my BYU days as well. But honestly, the pressure began fading away almost as soon as I moved out of the state.

I occasionally still do feel a bit of pressure when a good friend gets married. Or when I find out a friend is giving birth to yet another child.

But I kinda feel like I've gotten over a hump of sorts. The mo half of my friends are all pretty much in the same boat as me—single for the long haul and not obsessing about it. The non-mo half of my friends don't even give it a second thought.

Wait. Not obsessing? So WHYYY do I have a blog entirely devoted to singledom?

Because the truth is—I DO still feel pressure. But it's mostly from me. I am so scared to get married and I make myself feel guilty because of it.

There. I said it!

I have a coworker that is almost exactly the same age as me. He, however, has been married for several years and has 3 kids. We've become pretty good friends over the years and usually spend a few minutes everyday catching up on each other's lives.

We both sometimes express envy of the other's position in life. He sometimes envies my ability to stay out late with friends on the weekends and I sometimes envy his cute kid stories.

The other day he was telling me about how he'd like to take a trip somewhere, but can't exactly just hop on a plane to Hawaii with 4 other people, 3 of them being very small children.

That thought alone makes me feel like hyperventilating.

I'm usually jetting off to places (and often international locations) at least every other month, sometimes more. A lot of my trips are pretty spontaneous—I throw them together in a matter of days or weeks. It's my passion. It's my sanity. I can't imagine giving it up.

But here's the thing—it's a selfish life and I know it. I want something more. I want something even better. But the truth is, I'm so content that it's often hard to even imagine something better.

It's nice to imagine having someone else to live for.

It's nice to imagine having a built-in best friend.

It's nice to imagine being able to seriously think about having kids.

It's nice to imagine not having to date anymore.

But it's not so nice to imagine not being able to wander all over the world. It's not so nice to imagine not being able to spend my money on whatever I want. It's not so nice to imagine that I can't stay out late with friends on the weekends.

I know it's selfish. I know, deep down, that there's a better way to live. And THAT makes me feel pressure. Pressure to be better.

A good cry

. . .feels like this song.

You feel it steadily building up for quite awhile. Eventually it gets to be too much and it breaks into something tragic and beautiful all at once. And then you feel better.



I realize that you're busy and that this song is almost 9 minutes long. But what can I say? You can't rush beauty. I don't recommend just listening to snippets because then you won't really understand why I posted it.



But. . .if you're realllly in a hurry and insist, here are a few especially beautiful moments:

3:10—the build-up starts to get more intense
5:40—finally breaks for the first time
6:30—beautiful, tragic mess




(Disclaimer: I haven't actually even watched the video for this song so I can't vouch for it. I just listen to the song on my ipod when I need to.)

This is getting personal.

I really appreciated Anonymous's comment on Saturday. Good to know I'm not the only one who thinks about/struggles with these things.

I'm not really sure why I originally started this blog. Unlike many personal blogs, this blog is not intended to be a means for my friends and family to keep track of my thoughts and activities.

On the contrary—I haven't told even a single friend or family member that I've started this blog.

I am completely, blissfully anonymous.

I'm hoping to keep it that way so that I don't end up offending anyone I know. Particularly, my “bad dates.” :)

Anyways, my point is that since this blog isn't for family and friends, I guess that actually makes it solely for blog stalkers! Yes, this means YOU.

So don't be shy. Say hello! Solidarity is good.

Has this ever happened to you?

Awhile back I was thinking about different people I'd known from different periods of my life. Thanks to fb, I now have the pleasure of knowing that about 98% of them are married with at least one kid. Many are on their second or third. And this includes a number of people who are younger than me.

Maybe it's just the proximity of the big three-oh that is freaking me out.

You see, the other day something startled me awake in the very early hours of the morning. I don't even remember what it was. A car? A bird? All I remember was that the first thought I had upon waking up was—oh my gosh, I forgot to start a family!

It seems funny to recount it now, but at the time the panic I felt was so overwhelming that I had trouble getting back to sleep. In my dazed state, I tried to figure out what I had been doing in my over ten years of singledom since turning 18. How had I not managed to find someone in that amount of time?

Seriously. Where has the time gone?

Things left unsaid

Most recent date:

Guy: So could you ever live in __________? (location which shall remain unnamed)
Me *spiritedly*: Nope.

Guy *chuckling*: Really? Never?
Me: No, I'm being serious. It's not an option for me.

Guy: Well what if your husband were to get a job there?
Me *without missing a beat*: I'd leave him.

At this point we both bust out laughing and the subject is changed.

But what I was thinking is: I have a good job here. Not the kind that I can just leave and pick up again in another state.

A major move wouldn't just be about my husband finding a new job and packing us all up. It would require a lengthy discussion about what was best for BOTH of our careers. Gone are the days of the woman following the man around.

You can see, of course, why I didn't bring this up. A bit heavy for a date.

I'll probably go out with this guy again. He's a good guy.

I just want to observe this:

1. I do think that his offhand question is representative of a (perhaps subconscious?) mentality that is quite pervasive. And not just in the mo-world.

2. I do worry about finding a guy who will not just say he's okay with my feelings about my career. . .but will actually follow through with his support when it comes down to it.