Rage Against Their Machine

#@8!?&%

     My wife and I decided to hit the road this Sunday to get a bit farther from our typical neighborhood haunts and find a different place to eat.  As we were heading for the freeway, a young man in a sort of low-rider wanna be bondo racer decided to tailgate me for about half a mile through a semi residential area.  Perhaps he thought my only going the speed limit was not male enough for him.  As I looked in my rear view mirrors, I could see him giving me "The stare".  You know, the angry "I'm a tough guy" look these dime store jaggoffs always feel is going to send you fleeing for another lane?  My wife describes guys like this as "The kind who walk around saying 'I just don't give a fuck' like its a good thing."  With his overly dramatic thug life persona, this guy fit the bill.

      At some point, the road broke off into two lanes and douche bag exhibit A decided to quickly dart around my car throwing be a "mad dog" look as he passes.  Now, for you males out there, this presented a challenge for me.  Here I had this scrawny little 18 year-old jackass trying to own me in retaliation for me doing nothing wrong.  Add to the irony the fact that I am a former U.S. Marine Close Combat Instructor being visually threatened by this schmuck and I couldn't resist.  I whipped my car into the lane to my right directly behind his and got right on his bumper.  At the light, I saw his eyes look at me from his rear view mirror and I put my arms up in the air as if to say "What!?"  I followed him closely for the next eight blocks or so giving him the real thousand yard stare.  The kind only an older man who will, in fact, go right through you can give.  He begins to look for a way off of the road.  He swerves left trying to evade me but an oncoming car blocked his escape.  He then swerves right to shoot for a quick turn but misses his window for that escape as well.  I see his eyes again and I am like a shark tasting blood.  After a short time, he finds a right turn and bolts down a road that was clearly not his intended route.
   
     At this point, I am loving me some me.  I feel vindicated for myself and I feel I have done this young turd a favor by illustrating for him a harsh reality.  If he is going to throw people threatening looks, he will eventually find a man who will wound his inner child.  I felt he had learned that lesson that day and that I had taught it to him while avoiding jail time.  The whole thing was my contribution to his future welfare.  Now he won't make that mistake again.  Right?  Right!  So, why do I feel like the worst coach ever?    

Some pretty decent insights from a sharp woman

DUH!... LOSING!

Ace Ventura wants his hair back, and his tiger's blood.

EGO ALERT!  Authorities have begun the swift evacuation of Detroit after reports that Charlie Sheen's ego has escaped.  Reached for comment Detroit's chief of police, Warren C. Evans described the level of danger.  "The disaster was reported Saturday when Mr. Sheen was performing here in Detroit," Evans explained.  "Instead of a performance, Mr. Sheen dropped a bomb."
     According to witnesses at the scene, the bomb sent hundreds of spectators fleeing into the streets before the show ended.  Authorities worked quickly but have not been able to contain Sheen's ego.  Evacuations became necessary late Saturday when several of downtown Detroit's homeless were noticed showing signs of being infected by near lethal doses of Sheen's ego.  The ego exposures have caused several local homeless people to sport badly worn suits, unacceptable hair styles and display a crazy look in their eyes.
     At this time, it is unclear how much of Mr. Sheen's ego has been released into the general public or how many Detroit residents have been exposed.  Doctors warn that males are twice as likely as women to contract an ego like Mr. Sheen's and are pleading with men to practice getting over themselves as often as possible.  "You just can't be to careful," says Dr. I.M. Kidding of Detroit's Chemical Infections Clinic.  "This disaster has already caused bad hair, endless rants, drug dependency, loss of sanity and at least one train wreck!"
   

A minor retraction...

We're here for the werewolf tryouts...

     It occurred to me as I finished my last post that I might be prompting more men to join "Team Jacob."  I want to make it clear that this is not what I or any woman over 24 is looking for.  While there is absolutely a need to be in shape and even to look good, most people would honestly prefer that you not make life a giant pose down.  Please, guys, do it for your health and her enjoyment and stop at that.  Anything more than doing it for the right reasons forfeits your man card.


    The best rule of thumb is this:  You should take off your shirt precisely as often and in the same places that you would want your girlfriend or wife to.  Besides, the rest of the world doesn't give a shit what you look like without your shirt on.

Seriously?...

Since yer up...

     I have often been amazed at one double standard in particular that doesn't take much more than "Hefty" here to elaborate.  While I do think that women tend to place more pressure on themselves than men do in terms of their expectations of their own physical attractiveness, there remains an alarming disparity between those expectations and the one's we men are holding ourselves to.  Perhaps I should say not holding ourselves to.  I would love to think that men are always rational and logical about things.  I would love to stand my ground as a man and proclaim men as the more fair sex.  However, I can't ignore the growing number of my male friends who, once married, take to gaining unhealthy amounts of weight as if they are expecting to birth the children.  It's absolutely ludicrous to expect a woman to keep her figure through several pregnancies and, many times, an equally hectic professional schedule when we men can't seem to put down the barbecue ribs and run a few laps.

      Come on fellas!  We have an extreme advantage here in terms of staying fit for our women.  We, as men, carry about 15 percent less body fat naturally from the get go.  We don't endure pregnancy which has been proven to not always return the body to its prior weight based on genetic disposition no matter how much some women try to lose it.  Lastly, we tend to have more physical and calorie burning jobs than our female counterparts.  When you throw these details together, we should be able to do better than women in this area by accident! 

     Even with all these facts present, men at times forget to keep up their own appearance as if, like laundry and kitchen cleaning duties, it is up to the wife to cover that area.  That's just not fair.  Furthermore, it completely lacks the strength of reason and self control that promotes women to be attracted to us in the first place.  There are many reasons that keeping in shape is needed for a man to win.  The obvious ones would include the ability defend your wife if ever needed, to be able to move quickly towards the hospital when your young child seriously injures themselves, or to be able to move in more than the "back and forth" direction in the bedroom.  The less well known and infinitely more important rationale is that your personal fitness level directly correlates to your ability to remain attractive to your wife on a genetic level.  You can't expect to keep her interested in the bedroom or obligated to maintain her own attractiveness when you hardly resemble the person she chose as the best mate for her offspring.  This is because women don't typically select men based on the same criteria we select women.  Women chose men based on a far more instinctive process that includes, at its forefront, the likelihood that you are healthy enough to supply successful offspring.  Believe it or not, gents, this is far more important scientifically than the size of the penis you are wielding.  Medically speaking, 75% of men are between 5-7 inches anyways.  Wake up, that's not why she picked you.

     In the end, its a matter of principle.  We are supposed to lead by example.  As men, we expect that in our leaders but forget that we are supposed to earn that role in our homes and within our families.  What kind of man are you teaching your daughter to chose?  Hopefully, it's not "Hefty" up there.  If it is, get off your wife's huge, unshaven back.  You have no room to talk.

What can we do for you?

Not your home uniform?

      When I first encountered the idea of men attempting to fix or eliminate every issue or discomfort that a woman mentions as a bad thing, I thought it was ridiculous.  How can women complain about a person wanting to swoop in like a super hero and take arms against a sea of troubles on their behalf?  Why can't they just let us deal with the problem so that we can get back to having fun with them?  What could possibly be the harm in making her life easier every time she mentions an issue?  The answers to these questions took some reading and a lot of conversations with women in several age groups to fully appreciate.

     The truth is us men are not really allowing the women to communicate JUST what they want to say.  In talking to women, I have found that they are not simply complaining when they cite their challenges or call our attention to random discomforts.  They are actually looking to communicate on the same wavelength.  For example, a woman telling me that she hates having to pick the anchovies off of the pizza we are eating might prompt me to ask her "Do you want me to send the pizza back and have them bring you a different one?"  That sounds sweet, but I didn't at all consider how easy it would be to say something like "Yeah, I always have to pick pineapples off of the Hawaiian pizzas at work too.  It sucks."  Believe it or not, that would often be the better response.  As men, we miss some obvious truths here.  First, if she wanted to send the pizza back, she doesn't need our help.  Second, we often send the message to our ladies that they are nags or a pain in the neck and then give her no chance to be anything but that in the eyes of the waiter having to bring her another pizza.  Perhaps she has already dismissed that as a possibility for the sake of making sure she is not a pain in the neck.
 
     You see, she wasn't asking me to fix the pizza, she was talking about how much it sucks that she has to pull anchovies off of it.  However, my need to fix this rhetorical pizza has me missing the topic she is hitting on completely and taking the easiest way out of what might be a fun conversation.

     If you haven't seen He's Just Not That Into You by now, I apologize in advance for assuming you were normal.  In the film, plenty of pithy dialogue between overly attractive cast members tackle some of the disconnects between being rejected and realizing it afflicting women today.  The film's most centered and enlightened character, Alex, played by Justin Long coaches the overly needy and neurotic female character Gigi towards realizing that his buddy is not interested in her.  Alex continues his Yoda impersonation throughout the film expanding her knowledge about men as she traverses the landscape of Baltimore's liars, weasels, and ambiguous fast talkers identifying which ones don't really like her.  At one point, Gigi begins to list possibilities as to what could have caused a man she met recently not to call her.  Alex brusquely says "Gigi, If a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen." 

     But alas, we come to the truth about Mr. Fix it as well.  Brothers, take it from me, if a woman wants you to fix something for her, she will make it happen.  If she doesn't, she might not want it fixed or might actually want to take care of it her way and not yours.  Either way, the next time your lady tells you something sucks, try talking only about how much it sucks and not how you can fix it.  You might fix a few things you didn't know were broken.

Why Men Lose

     In the recent years of my life, I have been involved in a remarkable amount of conversation covering the topic of men and women.  More to the point, men versus women.  The subject seems difficult to avoid.  It pops up seemingly without invitation in nearly every possible social setting.  whether I am out with my wife having drinks with our friends or playing pool with the boys, the topic intrudes.  What is troubling about the topic isn't necessarily the frequency with which it wedges itself into my social interactions , but the staunchly divisive stances that seem to be held by both genders that make the topic so negative.  When the topic of gender politics is introduced, the men and women present seem to retreat immediately back into the safety in numbers supplied by their respective genders.  Sisters fight brothers.  Husbands dismiss wives.  Girlfriends mock boyfriends and the beat goes on.

     It was this divisive sort of tendency that brought me to question why the sides are so polarized against the other.  Do we live in a time where cultural changes have emasculated men to the degree of deep resentment towards women?  Are women still fighting an age old gender battle at an energy level not needed since the movement for woman's suffrage?  What are we all fighting about and why can't we seem to find even a thin isthmus of common ground?  This blog will be dedicated to exploring the gender politics that drive this and other topics related to our current social interactions.  I will attempt to form into words what most men won't in order to expose what men understand and what we misunderstand.  Perhaps through such an open forum, men and women might come closer to honesty and begin speaking it as a language.

     Lastly, do not let the blog title fool you.  I believe it to be clear that men have lost ground and value over the past several decades.  I do not profess to know what ground that might be or even that we ever truly had the ground to lose.  I would merely state that it seems clear to me that we have lost much of the respect of the women we live with and around.  But are we earning it?  My hope would be for men to first become more comfortable with admitting the reality that we are losing and then to identify which of our wounds were self inflicted.  I believe it is time for men to examine what we are and above all why we lose.  If we have lost the adoration of women, it is not a thing that can be given back, but only won.  Let's get started!