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Me Carissa 20 Credits Layout design by Eefennie. No part of this site should be duplicated or reproduced without written permission. x x x |
Wednesday, January 22, 2014 Incredible. Cycle repeats, ONCE AGAIN. Yes, right after you enjoy your gathering with your friends you came back telling me how sorry you are. WOW. How many times I have been hurt this way? How many times I have begged you? How many times must I suffer this again? Yes your friends are so impt to you. How about me? Am I not? When they insulted me through social medias, you saw it you knew about it but what have you done for me? You tried to keep quiet. Tried to breeze through it. Wow. It's only when I spoke up for myself. What will you tell me? Don't take it to heart. They are childish and blah blah blah.. Nothing done to them. Yes, I did the same thing in the past. What did I get? You reprimand me, scold me, blame me. Yes just blame everything on me. SOLELY ME. I don't feel protected at all. So, you invited me to the Taiwan trip, to gatherings. I wanted to go. But they don't. They rejected my presence. Do I feel good about it? Do I? And you as my bf, did you speak up for me? No you din. When they don't want, all you do is to tell me not to go. You don't try to talk to them. Yes, this is the guy who expected me to PUT ALL MY TRUST IN. Someone who doesn't protect her gf. What's more important is the interest of YOUR FRIENDS. I feel so insignificant in your life compared to your friends, your family. For you I even argued with my friends or get angry with them when they did the exact same thing YOURS FRIENDS did to me. But I guess all this while the efforts and actions I have done for you were nv recognised at all. I'm so tired... So tired of this. 2 years plus you have never proven to me that you will choose me over them.. Last sunday really broke my heart.. I was sick and going hungry with food. This is the time when I needed you the most. I cried alone on my bed... Feeling so terrible mentally and physically. All you did was going all out to PUT ME DOWN, TO INSULT ME, TO KILL ME INSIDE OUT. Yes, you... You went all out just to GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. Did you even realised that all these while you have been going all out to kill me just to attend your gatherings with them? Never for once you would hear my cryings or my beggings not to go. I know you did all these because you don't want to miss the gatherings with them. So you choose to hurt me... Yes hurting me again and again for them. You know why I hate them? Because of them I suffered a lot a lot a lot. So much that this hatred is so strong. Yes thanks to you. If you ever stood by me, things would have turn out much better. Thanks to your friends, I have seen your true colours. Thanks to them, I realise that you are not worth my trust. Thanks to them, serving as checkpoints to let me realise that I'm nothing compared to them. Thanks to them, you broke my hearts countlessly. Thanks to them, I cried endlessly. Most importantly, thanks to you. Now, I realise how much pain my heart can exactly takes. Yes you.... I don't know what I'm waiting for all these while. Waiting for you to meet me when you are free? And kicked aside when you need to meet your friends? What am I waiting for? So I've been constantly waiting for you everyday. Your sms, your calls, your presence. And yes, I really wanna be treated as a princess when you book out. I want to assure myself that I'm not taken for granted. I want to know that my life is not all about waiting and waiting for you. Yes, I really want you to find me at Chinese garden during the weekends when we go on a date. Is this really unfair to you? Then, what's fair to me? I don't expect fairness here. I just wanna be treated as your gf. Suffering everyday.. Every single day...... Penning down; 10:12 PM Saturday, January 18, 2014 Been so long I pen down my thoughts. I have been suppressing the negativities inside me, so much that I feel ... lost (?) Months since you are serving your NS. Days, hours, minutes and seconds just slipped away. Do you ever know how it feels waiting for your love one everyday? Do you know how it feel when I need you but I can't find you? Do you know how it feels when you are on the verge of breaking down, you aint by me? Five months ago, I'm that girl who depend on you so much. I'm someone who can't spend a day without you. I need you desperately As time past, I can survived without contacting you more than 24 hrs. I can live without seeing you for at least 5 days every week. Yes, I did it. I have to do it. But... I questioned myself, do you even appreciate? You scolded me for using whatsapp DAY AND NIGHT. I don't. I used it to discuss things with friends, I don't even contact anyone else individually other than wt. Do you have to deprived my only social network to connect with my friends? I feel really sad when you accused me for using whatsapp excessively. I'm out here everyday facing the world alone and you are saying all these to me. I don't feel good at all. 2 weeks into 2014 and we have not meet for two weekends alr. I can't believe you are still doing all these. I don't have much time once I start school. All the school assignments and studies are gradually killing me. You don't even see the limited time I'm left to spend with you on weekends. You waste them away just like this. Now, my sat is gone... All my weekends were reserved for you. School starts I can't do this anymore. Yet, you don't treasure them. This really saddens me a lot. You can do it so easily. Just by not meeting me. You don't even know how much I wanna meet you. Do you know that I really hate to meet so late because in a day there's only 24 hours. How much time is left for us? Do you know I really hate to waste time? WHY after so long you still don't get it. I don't have a lot of time with you. Every week I'm just limited to this amt of time to see you. Everyday I'm looking forward to the weekends to find you and spend time with you. We don't even have much time tgt yet you always choose to just waste it. That pain inside me. I can feel that you don't have the urge to meet me. I can feel that meeting me or not does not matters to you. I want to feel the urge from you. I want to know that you really want to meet me. But why? Every week something have to happen. I don't want to live with regrets. I really don't want to waste my weekend away. what if I really give up on this? I'm really so tired..... I can't control my tears. I can't feel myself anymore. I feel like I'm losing faith in this rs. I don't feel like I can hold on any longer.... I really feel so scared. I really want to treasure the time with my love one. I've got not much time with my hectic school life. I want you to treasure everyday. I'm so tired..... Please help me... Please tell me what to do.... I don't know wht to do anymore. I really hope you understands me. I really hope you know what I want. But why? After so long you don't und that I don't want to waste any of my days with you. I really got no idea what to do anymore. Help me please. I can't stop crying. Im crying so badly.... I can't stop. I can't help myself. I'm so weak... I'm really weak.. I must stop.... I keep telling I must.... But I can't... I can't..... I can't even see what I'm typing right now. I can't breathe.. I'm having a terrible headache. I don't know how long must I lead such a life. I'm so helpless. Penning down; 10:00 PM Sunday, May 5, 2013 Blogging is still the only way to express myself, the companion that nv fails me. Broken again and again. So much to pen down but I can't. You had your friends to attack me in the virtual world. Well done. Wishful thinking of mine that I always believe that guys who protect their gf from any form of hurts is the true man. You had your friend to talk ill openly in twitter yet doing nothing. You fail as a bf. Not to mention all those promises you made for me. Promises? Bullshits. All these bullshits. Never never never ever to trust you again. So what if I cry ? So what if I'm hurt? So what I just had an operation? You are still you. That selfish you. Even friends can do everything for me staying by my side when I needed help. Yet you? It's only the fourth day that you came visiting me. And you quitted. You quit? Thanks for this disappointment. In fact TOO MANY TO BE MENTIONED. Never never never expect anything from anyone. Been a fool for quite a long time. So many promises and words you had for me, those are bullshits. You dare to say me breaking my promises? I can nv outwin you. Guess what? Throughout this rs, the disappointments was too overwhelming for me to contain. Not that I didn't. It's because I tried too hard and too long. I should have let it go. Let this love dies off eventually. Moving on to the next phase of our lives. You will go for your National Service while I attend my uni life. Frankly speaking I really want to start afresh. Everything brand new. I guess, it's really time to move on. I don't blame you entirely because I know I play a part in this failed rs too. Goodbye. Penning down; 7:18 PM Wednesday, January 2, 2013 Why wouldn't you bother? It's over right? So tired of shedding my tears.. I'm a loser.. I have lost totally. Penning down; 6:48 PM |