Just Another Day

So I havent been doing much recently. My job laid off for about two weeks. Shred some jeans, watch episodes after episodes of Nikita and Suits. Made planners. Read books, the Huunger Games Trilogy got me hooked. At first, I cant quite get used to the mention of killings so frequently and easily in the first book, but I guess thats how I got so drawn into this other world because it is so different from the world that I live in right now. Then progressively, it got me thinking. Are we really living in such a different world from what was portrayed in the books?

With the extensive media reports, tabloids and reality tv shows, we are indulging in some sort of entertainment at the expense of others. And these people, they too constantly put on a show for the audience, us, likes to see. Willingly or not, I'm too sure though. Then, there are those seperated, specialised districts, where people are born into their lifes and have no means alter them. Of course it is not as bad as in reality, but only in my reality. I cannot imagine what is it like for the less fortunate people born in other realities. (I kinda feel ashamed, and it is v hard to explain why. Like here I am talking about people who are less fortunate, like that is gonna change anything for them. Just sitting in front of my laptop and talking.)

Right now, I just started Mockingjay, right about the part where Katniss agrees to be the mockingjay and is shooting her propagando video. It is funny that these people, they "escaped" the control of President Snow, into the control of President Coin. Right now, it seems this way, and a quote I recently saw came to mind.

No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky.
Bob Dylan

There can never be true freedom and democracy. And just like everything else, we gotta find a good balance that we can accept.

Conversation with Pap in the car

On the way there,

Pap: I've asked about the bicycle, but I am worried that it will be dangerous. Cycling on the road, and with all these rascal drivers out there.
Me: But Im not cycling on the road, I am cycling on the bicycle pathway beside the pedastrian pathway.
Pap: Then how are you gonna get there? You have to cross some roads right?
Me: Yeah
Pap: Then what? You're going to walk and push your bicycle?
Me: If that's what you want..
Pap: I think since you're cycling on the cycling path, why not just go to East Coast Park?
Me: But it is so far away!
Pap: I can drive you there every Sunday or something.

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.
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Pap: ... If she doesnt want to go to the Doctor's, it is her choice. She is an adult already. Not like yall are still primary school kids. There's nothing much I can do.
Me: ...

Life's irony and human double standards at its best.

On the way back,

Pap: Are you still in touch with your primary schools friends?
Me: Not really, no. We follow each other on FB and Twitter, but we dont talk.
Pap: Why? What happened?  It's good to have more friends. And have gatherings once every year or something, they are nice, special. Heart-warming. I remember yall in primary school, inseparable, Dolbie and Shermaine, yall even made a shirt that says 'Best Friends Forever' or something.
Me: Yeah it is hard to maintain contact..
Pap: Why? Just talk. Time passes so fast.

I wanna know why and what happened to. Time happened, did it?

Random thoughts about the day

Two things made today a little more interesting than the rest.

First, I actually smiled because of nothing that concerns me. I derived a sense of joy from looking at others and this is certainly the first for me. And not once, but twice today! It could be my moodswings but neh. The first was when I was in the train. This little boy, 4-6 years old (Im not very good with age) was sat in the reserved seat beside his mother, who was on her phone. I think he was bored so his played with his reflection in the glass, seems like he was trying to make a butterfly by hooking both his thumbs. This curious mind twisted and turned his arms but still wasnt satisfied then he stopped. Children being children cant sit still. He then proceed to try to get his mother's attention. He got off his seat and stood in front of his mother, leaning in real close into her face. His mother, possibly finally realising her negligence, stopped with her phone and took him up to cuddle and kiss him. AWW. I smiled. Such genuine affection and love between the two. I sincerely hope that that will not change as time passes.

The second things that made me smile was this guy. I was going down the stairs of the station when a scarf with beads and reflective scales caught my eye. What a hideous scarf. Turning to get a better look, a man was trying to get it off him. He was wearing a hot pink singlet that is too tight and too short, showing off chest and abdomen. I cant quite remember his hair and his bottom, but he was plugged in, and he was singing out loud. Mind you, I was plugged in too and I could hear him sing. He was also dancing along with the scarf in his two hands at each ends. He didnt care at all that everyone he passed couldnt stop looking at him, including myself. And more importantly, people smiled. I smiled. Okay, I'm not sure if the others were laughing at him or anything but I was happy that someone in this world is happy to be himself, regardless of the possible judgements from everyone else. He didnt care about aything other than himself, and in this context, it is a great thing I feel.

The second thing that made today a little more interesting is that I found out that I cant be mean. Like real mean. I went for career briefing today and I only found out that it was about Sales and Marketing when I cant leave. At the end of the two hours, they wanted us to sign up for training. I wasnt interested and I told the lady. She persisted of course, trying to convince me otherwise, how I should give myself a chance to learn more about sales during the training, how much money I can earn after, how impressive my resume will be blah blah blah. I still told her no and she insisted I tell her why, and I cant bring myself to it. Honestly, I dont like the idea of going into sales because I am scared that it will changed me into someone that I dont want to be. I dont want to look at everyone and everything and simply just see what benefit I can gain from it/them or how much I can make. Yes, I have that little faithin myself. And I know if they succeed in convinving me to join them, they will get paid. So I wondered how much of this is really about helping others and giving them opportunities for personal growth more than the money she will get. Also, I have a very biased and unfair view of this sector. I seem to think that I will have to lie or hide some truths, go against my morals in order to make the sale. Of course, not all sales people are like that, but some are and I dont want to risk myself being one of them. I will hate myself. Back to my point, I cant tell her all these, can I? Regardless of my tone and her wanting my honest opinion, I will hurt her and demean the job she is doing, and I dont want to do that, especially when she is so kind.

Then on the way home, I was scrolling through Tumblr and can across this picture of a note pad. Someone has written 'Hey if you're reading this, you're beautiful +  I love you. Never change.' I clicked repost, and added the comment, 'You dont even know me, Stupid.', changed it to 'You dont even know me, Dumbass.', then delete it all together. Honestly, that was really what I thought, what a stupid thing to say to me when you dont know me and havent even met me. Then something more important came up, the person who wrote that and took a picture of it was just trying to do do soemthing nice, trying to encourage someone out there who needs it, and there is no need my praticality and "negativity". Plus, most of the time, tumlr is such an emo place, there is enough sadness on its own. Sometimes, people dont want to know the truth and who am I to break their bubbles, that will be just mean.

I think I have grown a little today. To feel joy indirectly and not be so honest. Maybe, Im not that heartless afterall.

First time working

I worked for the first time on my own yesterday as a waitress. People tell me that waitressing is tough job, but I guess I gotta try it for myself heh. It is indeed tough, on the legs, especially if you're wearing a new pair of black flats from Rubi, which practically has no sole. I'm considering investing in a more comfy pair of flats, since I might be on this job for a while, intro anyone?

After I changed into a too big and purple top with black pants, along with 2 friends we followed the guy in charge, Ant, turning here and there, corridors after corridors into a storage room full of metal cupboards and glass trays. We placed our bags on top of one of the huge metal shelves and set off to work.

Everyone seemed to know which ballroom they belonged to and what they ought to do the moment they got there. I just followed Ant, walking to and for, until he assigned me to this Auntie, whom I think thought that I was a nuisance. We were supposed to pour ice water into the glasses. Everyone in the ballroom had a jug, except me. When I asked where can I get one, the Auntie told me to check to bar, like I really know the place and where everything was placed. So, the beginning hour was me feeling terribly lost, useless and unwanted. Okay, I might have exaggerated a little.

Slowly, people started coming in, and I gotta serve drinks. Now, it's not as simple as it sounds. I had to balance several glasses of beverages on a tray that I have never held in my life. It just didnt fit comfortably on my arm. Walking took some effort, mainly making sure the drinks do not spill and the glasses do not vibrate too loudly when I try to walk gracefully and confidently to the guests. Then, I had to attract attention. I had to find a way to make the guests notice me in between greetings, hugs and kisses and exchanging of namecards. And, I cant quite interrupt them, that would be quite rude. Plus, this in on top of the fact that I am quite an awkward person, who kinda stumble over my words when Im nervous and a bit hard on hearing. Truly great training for my social skills.

The worst part of the night is over. Following, I just had to get the timing right to collect the plates, such that I dont interrupt the guests and I clear the plates quickly. And dont spill or drop anything and guests and keep walking around to look busy HAHA

My co-workers are generally friendly people when we start working. They taught me the little tricks that makes life a bit easier and constantly asked if I am okay. More importantly, they were very tolerant of my abundance of questions, which I am very grateful for. Then there is this guy in his late 20s early 30s, who is very talkative, and overly nice to me. He is a cook from the other ballroom and he whipped up some pasta for me, only. Which is nice, I mean who doesnt like good food. He asked for my FB... and I gave........ (No comments to myself.) Then I got reminded of Tess Durbeyfield. Hm. Maybe I think too much like I always do. We'll see.

Never Gonna Be Comfortable

So today, my friends and I went to town to get stuff for Seniors' Night, and while we were waiting to cross the road, we saw this girl. She was wearing a kinda faded Ultramarine blue shirt, brown berms and had her hair tied up in a haggard pony tail. She is really young, like a couple of years younger than us. She had a cigarette in her hand.

The whole time while we were all waiting for the green man, she was constantly flicking her thumb to rid the ashes from the stick. Then she brought it to her mouth, the other hand covering and took a puff. Somehow, her manner didnt seem natural at all, and my friends and I concluded that she is very 'Act'. It was obvious that it was a pretense, that she is trying to be someone she is not, trying to look cool with a cigarrette in her hands, like she is all grown up and in control with her life. When the man turned green, we started crossing and a few seconds later, she bent down in the middle of the road to pick up something. She dropped her cigarette.

I started to feel sorry for her. I pitied her. Why, why must she try so hard to be someone that she is not, trying to fit into some mould that seems endearing. Then I realised, it is freaking hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It is so easy to feel insecure about oneself and so easy to look up to someone else, wishing that you will be like him/her. Worse, to be him/her.

I dont think it will ever be possible to be hundred percent, always feeling good about oneself, so this is just a tiny reminder to appreciate those precious moments, and you know, try to make those moments more frequent. I think it is ok to change, to be influenced, but it is also important to stay unique. Like choices that you make for yourself, it will be great if it was entirely but to you. But these are rare, so at least, make sure that you have a say in your choices. Did I just create a paradox here HAHA

FML

FML. I just wrote a post about life right after As and accidentally deleted it. Too lazy to write again. So far so good. Urg.

Just reading Lit

‘All comedy, is tragedy, if you only look deep enough into it.’

Thomas Hardy

Comedy’s optimism is an artificial and selective view of the world. I really didn't see this perception until now.

One of the many reasons why I am so glad that I took Lit :))

Just read an article about Saudi Arabia's intention to build an industrial city just for women and I really like the author's conclusion.

"If the cities fail, it will, no doubt, be seen as a sign women are not fit to run businesses. But if they turn out to be a success, more will be built, and women will be more segregated than ever – disappearing even further from the public sphere. So maybe the answer is for women to not just welcome the cities, but flock to them, close the doors, and refuse to leave until the kingdom’s rulers understand just what it is like to live without women."

Integrity and Hypocrisy

Integrity means the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that one refuses to change.

About a week ago, after hearing Mdm Annie Yong’s morning devotion (every morning, there will be a sharing by either a student, teacher, anybody before a prayer), the issue of integrity and hypocrisy plagued my mind. I came to realize that actually, everyone is a hypocrite, only to different extent. We tend to have double standards, and it is a problem when we are stricter with others than with ourselves. Sometimes, we are aware of the difference in treatment, sometimes we are not, but nevertheless, it happens.

So after the devotion, I remembered about a friend of mine, who said that I had double standards. When he first told me that, I did not believe him, simply cause I was so full of myself. That day, I texted him about it and he sent me a long and detailed message, giving examples of how I had double standards. At first, I was taken aback by the frankness of the text. Then, I thought back and agreed with what he said. But following that, I actually made up reasons for why those discrepanciies happened. I was horrified, I knew they were true, yet I could still think of excuses for them. Then guilt came along. Just who have I become...

In those short moments after recieving the text, I had this array of emotions flooding through. But thinking back now, some of the excuses I made were legitimate. Then came the bigger problem. Until then, my world was purely black and white. I knew about the grey, but it just didnt exists until then. Now, my world has become a little more complicated. My black and white are possibly not what they used to be, and now the grey! Where is that? Where should it be? How do I draw the lines!? Are there even lines?

I have no answers to these questions, the best I can say is I've got to consider things in context, based on the situation. Yet at the same time, I've got to decide now what's acceptable and what's not, if not, what if when something happens and in a moment of folly I make a decision that is against my values? I will regret it for a long time. (I find it hard to forgive myself when I make mistakes)I dont know.

 I dont know anything but the only thing that I am sure of is I, we must always try to live with our values, to live by a strict set of moral code that we set for ourselves, even though at times we may unknowingly break them. As people, it is inevitable that we make mistakes, so I guess what is more important is being able to recognize these mistakes because only then will we be able to take conscious steps to rectify them. We will never not be a hypocrite, but I guess as long as we try our hardest not to be one, nothing too bad can go wrong.

Back in Action HAHA

Havent wrote in a while and I kinda miss writing a little. Dont really know who is going to read these posts that I'm going to write but I guess that is not really important. I kinda dont want anybody to see these though, but yet I'm posting stuff on this really public platform, so I guess I dont really know what I want either. But one thing for sure, the main purpose of writing again is for me to record down the little things that happened in my life, that will be forgotten in time to come but should not.