oh dear god why taste test #6: HOLIDAY OVERLOAD

hi kids, before i get down and dirty with the latest round of vaguely threatening looking asian snacks, i have to pause and bring to a light a special event i orchestrated in honor of this holiday season. my good friend lindsey bought a very beautiful little house not that long ago, and she decided to have a friendly little convocation of folks at her aforementioned abode this sunday past, and people brought her little gifts and little trinkets for her home, and it was nice. what did i bring?



oh, the usual. pain, death, degradation, war and horror, in the form of a special surprise holiday themed taste test. as an aside, i should mention i generally try and avoid alcoholic drinks when it comes to taste testing, not out of any particular personal aversion to them (my friends are laughing as they read that, i'm sure) but more because a lot of other people already do that, much better and more scientifically than i could be bothered to, and also to avoid the whole taste test project from spiraling into an endless "what weirdass slovakian eel piss liqueur is he going to try next?" i don't mention it very much but i do work at a liquor store (a venerable midtown institution with a very famous sign) and there would be a veritable feast of options for me if i chose that direction, but i'm trying to cast a slightly wider net here.

that being said, it is the holidays, and as such i felt compelled to pick up a few traditional (and not so traditional) holiday treats and try them out on my unsuspecting friends, for my own curiosity and amusement, for a change. first up is the above-pictured Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog. i poured it out for everyone (this was fairly early in the evening) and this was my friend Zach's reaction:



not exactly manning up like a good little science pirate, is he? oh well, he had a rough night the night before, so we were forgiving of him. he was about to have another one.



this is basically what you get. not much to look at, just your usual semi-thickened nog-like beverage. there was a smell of alcohol that definitely let you know something was afoot, but beyond that fairly unremarkable. there was a swell of interest though (i think it was the smell of alcohol that drew them) and so we had a few more takers:



my good buddy randal, actor, performer, sometime english teacher and former engineer (that will factor in later, i promise)



zach's delightful girlfriend laurel who is STILL waiting for her steamer trunk, can we not make this happen sometime please?



the ever intrepid ashley, who has been special guest taste testing since before it was cool



the lady of the manor herself



and kip, who i forgot to take a picture of with the egg nog in his hand so here is one of him from later where he's eating a cracker. and his adorable girlfriend jerica and her precious little moppet of a child, rowan (rowan? is that right?). they very wisely abstained.



OKAY OKAY OKAY ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING PICTURES OF YOUR FRIENDS i can hear you saying, WHAT DID THE EGG NOG TASTE LIKE GOD DAMMIT well first off mr caps lock let's relax here, i just wanted to give you a little background on what was going on and as always, prove that there are people who would consent to associate with me on an even semi-regular basis, just as evidence to the world. as for the nog?



woof! strong medicine! i may have mentioned this above but i'd had no prior experience with pre-mixed alcoholic egg nog before. i've definitely hand-mixed up many a batch in my day (not the nog itself, mind you) but when you're doing that you at least have a sense of what you're getting yourself into. this seemed to catch everyone off guard (certainly me), even though it's only about 14 percent alcohol i think (nyquil is 25, just as a frame of reference), something about the creaminess and the fact that they put rum, brandy, AND blended whiskey in it really makes it pack a punch. it's like it tastes stronger than it is, or something. maybe that's not a good thing. reactions were mixed:

"it reminds me of milk of magnesia."

"oh god, it's strong!"

"i wish it was thicker." (of course, followed by my witty retort, "well who doesn't?")

"maybe you could mix it with regular egg nog to take the edge off a little."

"could be worse."



could be worse, indeed.



as a point of comparison i brought a bottle of the OTHER kind of premixed alcoholic egg nog we sell at my place of employment, just so i'd sound like an expert when people came in with their holiday questions, lost little lambs that they are. i won't sit here and pretend there's a WORLD of difference between the two, but the evan williams was definitely better. here are the notes i took, verbatim:

EXACTLY SAME, DIFF. LABELS?
LOT (underlined) THICKER
NUTMEG/CHIVES? (i'm not sure what i was thinking with the chives, that would be disgusting. we'll say that was someone else's idea.)
STRONGER, BUT LESS BITING SOMEHOW
NOT AS NOGGY - MORE EGGY
TEXTURE MAKES IT BETTER?

it was definitely thicker and richer. very rich.



so rich kip had to chase it with a swath of the cheese and bacon ball. to cut the richness and thickness. yummers.



then it was on to the chaucer's mead, another traditional holiday treat which i've actually had before, so this wasn't as much of a surprise for me, but i was still looking forward to it. before we could get down to business we had a couple new arrivals, the first of many many - the place got downright packed by the time we were finished. something about profound self-abuse that just seems to draw a crowd.



the unflappable jen simmons who walked in with this neat little pot of grass stuff



and grabbed a glass of mead like it weren't no thing at all (although i think lindsey's cats ate it or something)



and of course slam, who is smart enough not to have a blog that i can link to to humiliate him, but here is his flickr account which is the next best thing



okay anyway. this is what you get. bright yellow shiny sweet honey tasting wine. it's really good, in small amounts, served chilled, as a dessert drink. they sell this particular brand with a little bag of spices if you'd care to heat it up and make mulled wine with it, but i've never been crazy about mulled wine to begin with and if you're going to do it i'd just assume use red. it tastes "warmer," somehow.



delightful! here's what i wrote down:

ANTICIPATION HIGH
"WAY LESS BUTCH THAN I ANTICIPATED"
"GACKLE GACKLE GACK" (ashley)
SWEET, SWEET, SWEET
VAGUELY URINE-Y (awww, that's just mean. i must have said that.)



then it was time to get REALLY weird. leave it to the dutch. you're looking at a bottle of Chocovine, "the taste of dutch chocolate and fine red wine," a product we only recently got in at the store and one that's generated a lot of interest (some of it even not disgustedly so!) and something that everyone was very excited to try.

i don't have any good reaction shots (i will confess to having gotten a bit of a buzz on by that point - and by this point, now that you mention it!) but these are my notes.

"THE MOST FOUL THING I'VE HAD IN MY MOUTH IN A LONG TIME" (that's from Zach, a comment which i found completely and utterly doubtful, considering the source)
TASTES LIKE AMARULA (randal's opinion, i couldn't say)
COULDN'T DRINK MORE THAN A SHOT (i don't know who said that but they're a sissy... oh wait, god, was it me?)
$9 DESSERT MARTINI AT RESTAURANT IRIS (jen offered this, perhaps the only really insightful comment of the entire evening)
I FEEL A LITTLE ILL (that was me.)

so there you have it. i would say there was a wide difference of opinion on the individual beverages themselves, although no one found any of them too foul to consume, which may speak more to the audience than the drinks themselves, but who knows. my final notes on the subject read "TOO MUCH (i write in all caps by hand, btw, to compensate for my atrociously poor penmanship, in case you were wondering). GOD BLESS AMERICA."

and then it happened. dear sweet zachary, one of the few folks who could give me a run at the coveted title of "patron saint of bad ideas," the man who bought, prepared, and served a turducken not a few weeks prior, gets that oh-so-familiar gleam in his eye.



"what if we mixed them all together?"

a chorus of groans rings out around the room. i eye him warily and say "why not. what do i have to lose at this point, my dignity?"

riotous laughter. only there's a problem. in all the backslapping joviality of the evening, the mead got all gobbled up, as did the pennsylvania dutch, and this -



well, friends, it wasn't looking like much. but then who comes to the rescue but the only fully educated, trained, and (formerly) professionally paid engineer in the room, randal (the berserker).



PLOP. "shall we layer them?" oh yes, yes we shall. we shall.



so of course i proceed to run off half cocked and just start throwing things into a glass, assuming my relatively meager bartending experience and great amount of personal interest in layered shot preparation (and consumption, natch) would guide me through. leave it to me to just assume that because the egg nog was the thickest liquid of the bunch, it would automatically settle to the bottom. PEOPLE. THICKNESS DOES NOT EQUAL DENSITY. LEARN IT, LIVE IT, LOVE IT.



let the man in charge show you how it's done.



that is, that is just a work of art is what that is. look at that evan williams egg nog just comfortably relaxing on top of that chocovine like it's taking a mid afternoon nap in a hammock in late spring. and when you slap the bourbon on top of it, what, pray tell, do you get?



ladies and gentlemen, i give you the HOLIDAY OVERLOAD. that would be, from the top, bulleit bourbon, evan williams egg nog, and last but not least, a generous helping of chocovine. lesser men would quail at the sight. we, however, were compelled to pause for a moment of quiet reflection, much the way a professional athlete would after achieving the highest pinnacle of their chosen sport, or a father after the birth of his first son.



that's what that look is, in case you're curious. that's not abject fear, or "remind me where the toilet is in case i need to puke." that's the brave face.



this is what mine looked like. thankfully the chocovine settled under the egg nog with relatively little fuss even though i was a stoopid head and poured them in backwards. looks okay. how does it taste, you may be asking?



LIKE THIS GOD DAMMIT! LIKE THIS! the only thing i can compare it to is another layered shot i used to drink called an ABC which consisted of amaretto, bailey's, and courvoisier layered on each other, and had an initial bite which turned into a sweet creamy finish. that's what this was a lot like. it was strong, don't get me wrong, and for all his engineering brilliance randal tried to sip his at first until the general consensus showed him the error of his ways, but all in all it was not as intimidating as it might seem. i mean you've got straight bourbon which is nothing to mess with, but the other two ingredients top off at the 15% alcohol mark, and if you can't handle that then i cordially invite you to find another blog to read because little sister you do not belong here.



oh and later i ate some marshmallow fluff for dessert.



it was good.



"LOOK AT HER! SHE LIKES IT!"

little brown dog food ruff ruff ruff.

love

d

oh dear god why taste test #5 (preview): FEAR OF A BLACK BOSS

i just had my quarterly visit to the international market on the corner of winchester and kirby, and brought back the requisite boatload of goodies, which i'll be cracking into with my usual mixture of relish and trepidation shortly, but just to give you a first taste we're going to try "BLACK BOSS" canned coffee drink smooth and clear taste made with original ESPRESSO & DRIP method, from the good people at suntory. because for relaxing times, make it...



BLACK BOSS TIME. anyway i'm willing to bet this is going to be your basic straightforward coffee in a can experience, not too far off from mr. brown or any of the other various canned coffees you can snag at the various international markets around town, if you're so inclined. they're all pretty okay, basically they beat the pants off of all the MONSTER™ brand canned coffees or god forbid, Slap Blak. that shit is foul. anyway, let's give it a go, shall we?





okay, well! that wasn't sweet! there's no sugar in it, which is definitely a change of pace from every other canned coffee drink i've ever consumed! yep, there it is on the ingredients:



water, coffee. that's it. oh well, i like black coffee pretty well i guess, although "cold from a can" is not usually my preferred method of consumption, but this isn't too bad.





BLACK BOSS HELL YEAH.

see you next time.

d

oh dear god why taste test #4: kimbo cooked salt duck eggs and maeda-en green tea ice cream

hi kids, your intrepid gustatory adventurer here, ready to plunge headlong into another scintillating chapter in the oh dear god why taste test series. this outing we've got some vaguely offputting "cooked salt duck eggs" and a little bit of green tea ice cream, both obtained at the international market on the corner of winchester and kirby, source of many of the tasty delights featured in this ongoing blog series internet watching and thing. first up, the eggs!



i will confess to a slight concern for my physical well being here. these eggs were not when i purchased them, nor have they at any point afterward, been refrigerated. my logic for not doing so upon return from the store was that if the proprietors of the international market didn't see fit to cool them, who am i to disagree? my feeling (my sincere hope at this point, i should say) is that the roasting and salting process has somehow preserved them in a way that will increase their shelf life. that being said, it has been a few weeks since i brought them home, so i figure if i don't get down to business pretty soon there's no way they're still going to be good. okay, time to open the package and inspect.



well. this is interesting, and a little unexpected. they're individually vacuum sealed, and they appear to still have the shells on. i don't know what i was imagining. this gives me some measure of hope for their continued preservation. but how to open them without destroying the shell? let's try the garden variety small pocket knife.



okay. so what you have here is basically a run of the mill egg, about the size and weight of a chicken egg (maybe a LITTLE heavier), slightly gamier in smell than your usual egg from the store, but duck by and large is gamier than chicken, so that's more or less in line with what i was expecting. now, the question becomes, how to open it without making a humongous mess? i guess we'll just try peeling it like a hard-boiled egg. let's see.



so the attempt was successful, even if the results look more than a little foul. i'm kind of having a problem with the physical appearance of this thing, it really sort of looks way too much like balut for my liking, but thankfully i don't have to eat it with my eyes. okay, time to stop messing around. let's see what this thing tastes like.



oh. oh man. oh that is bad. oh dear god that is just nasty and awful. it's so... salty. and gamey. and... it's not rotten, it's definitely not rancid or anything, i mean it's definitely preserved, but... that tastes really bad.



here's the problem, or at least some of it. a lot of what makes foods unpalatable is the texture. this was one of my central problems with durian, is the texture, just the physical feeling of the thing in your mouth, induces as many gags as the taste and the smell do, if not more. this thing is just dry and crumbly and salty and awful and nasty in the middle. the white of it is much like a chicken egg, very soft and juicy and more or less lacking in flavor, but the yolk is all dark and nasty and super super gamey and salty and just awful and gross. dear merciful heavens i need something wash this down with



i never thought i'd have occasion to say this, but thank god for 40oz bottles of busch beer



ick. here's a close up shot of the wrongness. i don't know if the evil comes through via picture, but however bad it looks, it tastes way, way worse than it looks. i am honestly not sure if i can get another bite down, i gagged pretty hard on the first one. oh well. this is what i do, right? let's have at it.



oh ick. ick gack gack uk uk uk. need beer immediately.



apologies for all the gratuitous pictures of me drinking, but good lord, trust me, if you had to choke down this nonsense you would too. it's... not QUITE as bad the second bite in, if only for the fact that you kind of know what you're getting into (and know to immediately chase the egg with a swallow of beer, much like you would chase a shot of bottom shelf tequila) but it's still just god awful. man... how can i describe this? there's such a long finish of salt and gamey flavor, along with this texture that's kind of like... if you've ever had home made bread or cookies or muffins that just didn't come out, like they were overcooked or just whatever, and they basically fell apart into this dry, inedible conglomeration of clumps of grain, that's basically what the inside yolk texture of these eggs are like. it's truly foul.



okay, well that's one egg down. i am in no way intending to eat the entire package - sorry, i couldn't eat four normal cooked chicken eggs in one sitting - but i would be remiss if i didn't take one more hack at it. from the outside i thought this little slip of paper was a small packet of the silica gel desiccant they include in like shoes and whatnot to absorb moisture, but it turns out it's just a small slip that i have to assume is some sort of inspection notice like you find on the inside of garments sometimes, like "inspected by number 313" or something, except this is in some asian language i can't read, but i'm just going to assume that's what it is, some sort of quality assurance memento, which assuages my fear about the relative spoiled-ness of these eggs more than a little.



so now, egg number two, in its presealed package, but instead of just robotically choking down another one with no variation, we're going to change it up a little bit and try some of the hot sauce my boss brought back from his recent trip to belize and was kind enough to kick me down a couple bottles of, just as a way to spice things up. before we do that, though...



here's what this foul little bastard looks like. i didn't do quite as good of a job peeling this one as i did the first one, and i didn't do a very good job with the first one, so... yeah. looks pretty nasty.



here's what we'll be trying on top of it. apologies, by the way, for the relatively poor quality of the pictures, i've had some interruptions in my usual technological routine and am making do with whatever supplies are at hand. anyway, down to business.



here's what i'll be eating. good god, i cannot believe i am about to try this again.



UK UK UK UK UK. GACK. it actually tastes worse than the last one. how is that even possible?



OOOH and it's spicy! all i've succeeded in doing is making a very unpleasant food item even less so by cranking up the scoville units quite a bit! ugh oh oh oh



help me beer!



that was just so sickeningly, profoundly foul. that may have been the second worst thing i have ever eaten, after durian. it's one thing to know that it's coming, and have some sort of preconceived notion about what it's going to taste like, but your body doesn't process any of that, it just knows what's nasty and what isn't, and this definitely falls on the far side of the "nasty/not nasty" scale.



all right. almost done. gotta finish. let's throw down some of this other hot sauce on it, it's got carrots in it or something, maybe it'll mask the flavor.



we have decided to err on the "lots of sauce" side this time. it couldn't be any worse than the last bite... could it?



you know what? that's not exactly awful! there's a certain PUNCH to it at first taste, just like every other bite, and maybe it's because i'm kind of used to it by now, or maybe it's because i've knocked down the greater balance of this huge bottle of beer, but i'm not entirely pained by that particular bite. the flavored hot sauce definitely does wonders for the whole concoction, as does that fact that this bite was definitely more white and less yolk. i'm still choking it down with a fair amount of effort, don't get me wrong, but as far as tastes of a nasty food go, this isn't the worst.

by and large i couldn't exactly recommend the roasted salted duck eggs as a culinary experience, in fact actually i'd have to say it's one of the worst things i've ever eaten, but like many other obscure asian delights, it's at least interestingly bad. some bad food (most bad american food anyway) is just bad, bad all the way through, and does nothing but make you regret ever placing it anywhere in the vicinity of your mouth (see: gas station hot dogs) but the eggs were at least bad in a compelling way, even if the end result of that compulsion was gagging and vomit.

to reward myself after that bataan death march of nastiness i picked up some green tea ice cream, something i hear is delicious but have never had the chance to taste.



it looks kind of like packaging foam and has a slightly unfriendly smell. but several people whose taste i trust (for no good reason really) swear by it, so let's see what we get.





WELL! that tastes REMARKABLY like green tea! in fact it tastes exactly like green tea, in a way that's almost offputtingly authentic. it's not bad, not by any stretch of the imagination, in fact i kind of like it, but i'm realizing that as an american with an american palate, when something (especially ice cream, for some reason) advertises itself as "flavored" i expect it to taste like the suggestion of whatever it's supposed to be "flavored" like instead of the thing itself. yogurt, ice cream, candy, you name it. if it says "strawberry" you, as an american, know to expect that weird chemical generic "STRAWBERRY FLAVORING COMPOUND #67" taste instead of the taste of actual strawberries. this actually tastes like green tea, which is rather nice, if you like green tea, which i do. let's give it another shot





yeah, this is delish. it's got the right texture and consistency, it's cute and bite sized like a little asian hagen daz thing, and most thankfully of all it cleanses the palate rather nicely after the horror that was my previous course. A++++, would eat again.



okay, that's it. survived another round. be back later with more nasty crap. you love it, don't lie.

d