I realised that my past few posts were all about demise. And it seems that I'm using this as an avenue to pen the words that I am unable to say out. I still fear death but I don't know why. It's still one thing that would definitely get me to tears. It's perhaps the emptiness and sadness that my heart is unable to withstand. The loneliness that is all left behind. Sometimes people optimistically say that they celebrate death because the deceased is free from pain and is in a better place. But... perhaps I have an issue with attachment. With each death around me, my heart would sink. I would try and recollect the memories that I had of the person and just end up crying and miss him/her. I would love to think that this is a natural behaviour and just my way of destress. I would really love to.

The feeling when a girl said "he promised to get well" but her brother still passed on. The heartbreak. The sadness. The helplessness. The emptiness. The loss. What I feel definitely can't be compared to what she and the family feel. Especially so when they shared such close bonds and even spent every other night in the hospital with him. While we were welcoming the new year, someone else is still grieving. Somehow I feel guilty of that.

Sometimes some days, people just get on your nerves with what they say and do. You know they may not mean it but it just bothers you. I think I need a break from this toxic behaviour.

I sometimes still keep too many things to myself that I feel the urge to share but can't find anyone whom I trust freely. Let's hope I'm just temporarily exhausted from trying too hard. In need of plenty of fresh air to clear my mind.

I entered office with a heavy heart this morning. The humble 16 year old had passed on just in the morning. We were still very happy that he was enjoying himself at our centre after completing his N levels last year, learning new skills and wanting to complete the course so as to design a website for his mum's bakes. But he could not live to that day. Just 2 weeks ago, his mum said he was getting better and might be discharged soon. But a few days later his condition worsened. We had been keeping him in our prayers and on our minds. Just as I was thinking of him on the way to work this morning, my colleague broke the news. I tried really hard to hold back the tears this time because we still had to face the rest of the members who were coming to the centre.

ED had to break the news to all of them and it was really not easy. She was suppressing her emotions while she spoke. This is definitely not what I can do. While I think I have grown to accept death departures as a journey through my job, it's still really something I am always saddened about. The thought of not being able to see the person anymore just makes my heart hurt even more.

HQ, I'll remember you as the humble boy who has a nice smile and with artistic talents. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to interact with you and help you in every little way. You may not have had the time to accomplish more, but I'm glad that we managed to get you started. I will miss you, HQ.

Another kid passed on 2 weeks back. I've only seen her once in real life when her parents brought her to our centre for the dialogue session with the VVIP. I've heard stories of how sweet and wonderful she is even though she is non-verbal due to her condition. She is not just one of our kids, but also a niece of a friend. She was only 2 years old and while the family said that they had rehearsed the situation many times when she was warded in the ICU, they would definitely miss her. It's even sadder that her 5 year old sister doesn't know that she is never coming back. She still thinks that her little sister has gone for a holiday far far away. It's never easy to break the news and try to explain to young children. Jiayou, XL's family! XL has gone to a better place and would still love you as she always did.