Empty

A long time ago in what feels like a galaxy far, far away, I had my first child. I had the brilliant idea of writing him letters throughout his life (on birthdays and other momentous occasions) and keeping them in some sort of journal for him to read later in life. I loved this idea -- and yet, I never did it.

This idea that I still love and have never implemented pops in my head off and on and I often want to write letters about random things -- not just on special occasions. Usually it's at a time when I cannot write -- like when I'm driving or at work. Sometimes I get revved up by the idea and excited to try again for all three of my children. Other times it taunts me. I think of all the missed opportunities to share feelings and thoughts with my children. Years and years of missed opportunities. (Story of my life...) And still, I have not done it.

I often wonder what made me quit blogging and scrapbooking. Things that I loved -- things that recorded our lives that are flying by. I have told myself countless times it's because I've become lazy. But truth be told -- I think I've just become empty. Not completely -- but pretty darn close.

There is no nice way to say it -- Empty sucks.

Once you reach empty, it's so darn hard to recharge or even have the courage and strength or will to try.

Here's another reason I think I quit blogging. Sometimes I want to post something incredibly truthful about what is happening in my life and how it feels, but fear keeps me from doing it. Fear of the off chance that the wrong person will read it and it will just cause problems. So it stays bottled up inside filling my "empty" with a big ball of anguish. And I carry that ball of anguish around with me pretty much all the time.

Today I feel like I will write my first letter to my children. Maybe if I get the ball rolling it will eventually become a habit and maybe the sharing of my feelings will help fill up my tank again so I'm not running on empty all of the time.

Maybe.

Have a Blessed Day

This week my car has been acting up a little and today it was acting weirdly enough that I decided I had better get it checked out.

Getting the car checked is right up there at the top of my "things to hold off on as long as possible" list, along with going to the doctor and other such things. Subconsciously I think it is an attempt at no news is good news -- or rather, no news is better than bad news. However when I think about it, a safe car and a healthy body are pretty important in the grand scheme of things, so why I put them off is a mystery. Maybe it's the price tag. And let me tell you, getting my car fixed today has a doozy of a price tag.

After the man at the car shop gave me the bad news, I had the fun task of calling my spouse to relay the information. I was walking outside and the mailman was making his stop at the repair shop. He smiled at me, but I was so caught up in my dread of calling my husband and the ache in my gut from wondering how we would pay for this unexpected repair, I just basically looked right at him, but through him -- and did not smile back.

Something made me realize as soon as the mailman was past me that I had not returned his smile and I felt really bad. That may sound silly, because honestly, was my "non-smile" going to make a bit of difference to that mailman? Probably not. But you never know. Because as cliche or corny as it may sound I firmly believe that you never really know who desperately needs a smile or a kind word at any given moment.

I knew the mailman would have to walk by me again to get to his vehicle so I decided to redeem myself. I smiled and said hello and he smiled right back and said ~ "Have a blessed day!"

Have a blessed day.

It turns out those four words were exactly what I needed at that moment. The stress I was feeling about the car lightened considerably and amazingly, my phone call to my husband had a much better outcome than I expected. I realized in that moment that all day I had been watching news of a terrible earthquake and deadly tsunami in Japan that threatens to spawn tsunamis in many other places. People have lost their lives -- people are missing and injured. When you consider that -- my car repair woes are nothing.

I am blessed. I have many blessed days. Life is not easy. It is not meant to be. But it is so true that things could always be worse. And they usually are for someone.

At the end of today I will have another chunk of debt to worry about, but my car will be safer to transport my children in. We have a roof over our heads that has not been washed away by a powerful storm. We have food, we have clothes, we have family and friends. We have our faith.

It is a blessed day and I am grateful.

Forget the Groundhog

First post in five months ~ sort of. I have typed and deleted countless posts. Why? Because I won't let myself say what is really on my mind and frankly, I doubt anyone would want to read it anyway.

Today is Groundhog Day, but we my friends have a badger at our house. An annoying, mean badger and today I am feeling FED UP. A badger is really just a big bully ~ and who wants to be bullied all the time? Not me. We had a terrible start to our day.

I am sick of feeling anxious and angry and sad and hopeless. And I am the only one who can fix that -- I know it. But darn it, it's hard. And even if I do work on fixing it, the outside influences are not going to change so will it really matter? I am seriously feeling broken and have no idea how I am going to fix myself.

The worst part of feeling this way is that I know my children suffer. How can I be a good mother when I am broken? I am cheating them and I hate it.

I read a really good magazine article this morning while waiting at the doctor's office about finding happiness even in the darkest moments. It was probably good I read it this morning, as it was filled with reminders to myself on how to focus my energy on the good instead of the bad. I wish it was easier to do in the heat of the moment or when you feel like you are in the thick of a miserable situation.

I know I am blessed. I have three amazing children, a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have a faith that I desperately need to practice better, but nonetheless, I know God is there and has a reason for whatever He sends my way. I have friends and family that I am so grateful for and who make my life better many times without even realizing it. I am thankful for my blessings.

But I am tired in SO many ways.

I doubt anyone will read this since I never even blog anymore, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

Regardless of how I am feeling today, I DO want to find hope -- and joy -- and peace again. I know I can and I will.

This quote kind of says it all to me today --

"If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose?" ~ Robert Brault

I want to choose hope -- I just need to dig deep to find it.

Today is the Day!

The day for what you may wonder? The day I get my act together.

This is what I tell myself many, many days. It never seems to stick, but I figure if I keep telling myself this -- eventually it is bound to become a reality.

Today I was reading a magazine when I came upon a list of "signs you may be depressed". Now I have on occasion wondered if I am in fact clinically depressed. But usually I think about it and then decide I'm just being dramatic and move on. So I find this list today and realize I do indeed meet every criteria on the list of seven or eight things that could be signs of depression. Every single one. That in itself is depressing!

On the flip side, the same article gave some really good tips for helping the depression and I was happy to see medicating oneself was not at the top of the list. The suggestions were baby steps to help someone find their way back to living with happiness and peace. It made me really think about my ability to tackle baby steps, because for quite a while now my biggest problem is simply being overwhelmed. Just about everything overwhelms me.

If I think of any aspect of my life , I can find a slew of things that need improvement. Any aspect. From the big things like living my faith and teaching it to my children, being a mother, finding my "calling" -- all the way down to less important things like home improvements, and finding more time for the hobbies I long ago abandoned. I have so many, many, many things that need attention and days come -- and days go -- and I feel like I am just treading water trying to cram in all the necessary things that have to happen to get us to the next day. This is no way to live -- because honestly, it's not really living. It's getting by. What a horrible example to my children.

The other day I was thinking about what my kids might say if when they are older someone asks them about happy memories from their childhood. I am wondering if they will have an answer. I'm too afraid to ask.

For tonight, I will put my thoughts to rest and tomorrow begin to find some baby steps that work for me. Maybe blogging right now is a baby step. And maybe tomorrow when I wake up and say to myself, "Today is the day!" -- if I'm lucky -- it will stick.

Giving Myself Permission

Halfway through the year and I haven't even blogged.

Several friends will ask me off and on why I haven't been here writing. The truth is I am not really sure.

Maybe it's a mid-life crisis.

Truthfully, I have blogged -- several times -- but I always end up deleting my posts before I publish them. I realized that my posts were all starting to sound like whining and complaining and no one needs to hear me going on and on. I use this blog to vent because I have no where else to do it (with the exception of calling my poor mother or unloading on a couple of my patient friends when I can't hold it in!).

But that's just where I am in my life right now -- a bit lost, very frustrated -- really just feeling stuck. So at least my posts are real -- and my friend Alice says real is okay, so it must be! (right Alice?!?!?)

Maybe I'll give myself permission to blog again -- besides, I have probably lost all my readers by this time and if I vent and get it all out, eventually I can back to blogging the fun stuff too. It's worth a try.

So here I am posting -- and hopefully I will be doing so again very, very soon.

Why am I here???

Sounds deep doesn't it?? Like I'm going to do some gut wrenching soul searching right here on my blog for you.

I'm not.

I'm just literally wondering why I'm here...in this chair...still in my PJs....when I need to be running multiple errands and cleaning my house. Darn computer. Darn cold weather. Darn overwhelming to do list.

Sigh...

I am a world class procrastinator. Is there a prize for stellar procrastinating?? I would win it. Seriously.

I need to go to Toys R Us today. What a nightmare! I almost had a nervous breakdown in there the other day -- the type of breakdown I usually reserve for Wal-Mart or Sam's Club. But I stood in a big, long, slow-moving line in the electronics department only to find they couldn't give me the great deal they were offering because they were out of two parts of the package deal. I am headed back there today to fix it, but I am not looking forward to it. So here I sit...stalling.

I have approximately 262 million things to do this coming week. I have not purchased one teacher's gift or mailed packages to out-of-town family. I have pretty much decided for the first time ever I will not be sending Christmas cards, but knowing me I will decide all of a sudden I really need to send them and will be panicked to get them out. I have a birthday party to send invites for and party favors to buy. I have a lot of dust bunnies in every room of my house, ironing to do, laundry that grows overnight. My dog needs a bath. The list goes on and on.

And yet here I sit. Which is probably the answer to my question. Why am I here?? In this spot and not running around doing those 262 million things??

Because it is so much easier.

But time keeps slipping away...and I had really better get a move on. This procrastination thing is surely the cause of much of my stress.

So farewell for now. Maybe for Christmas Santa will bring me a big ol' heap of motivation. Goodness knows I need it.

In Honor of the MANY Amazing Women I Have the Privilege of Knowing

A friend sent me this email the other day -- I've received it several times, but each time I read it I have to laugh. I also reflect on the truth that lies beneath the humor.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. '

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries. He then paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied the following: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things to the way they were. But, you will have to wait nine months, since you got pregnant last night.'

Women rock -- plain and simple. And I am thankful for the many women in my life whether they be relatives, friends or simply acquaintances, who have inspired me by their courage, strength, tenacity, creativity, faith, humor, thoughtfulness -- so many things. Men would be a mess without the women in their lives.

This journey of life can be so stressful and downright difficult at times. What a blessing it is as a woman to have other females -- mothers, sisters, cousins, co-workers, girlfriends, etc. -- to support us along our bumpy path! Thank you to each of you for being my friend and my inspiration and for reminding me I'm not alone in the overwhelming responsibility of being a wife and mother. You are amazing!

Enjoy your weekend!

Aspirations

Since it has been so long since I've actually blogged, I am unsure if I've already shared this story. If I'm repeating myself, forgive me.

A couple of months ago, I was driving my daughter somewhere and she was quietly observing things as we passed them. We came to a stop light and were sitting there a few minutes when all of a sudden she pipes up, "Mommy, I think I want to be a blower when I grow up."

Huh?...I think to myself...a blower?? Did I hear her correctly?

So I ask..."A blower? What do you mean?"

"Like that guy, " was her reply.

I looked out the window to see a man using a leaf blower to clean dirt off of the parking lot of a repair shop. That was her latest aspiration. A blower operator.

"You want that job when you grow up? I thought you wanted to be an artist or a vet?"

"Well, I like those too, but a blower makes the world clean."

If she only knew that it would take a lot more than a leaf blower to make this world "clean". But it's a nice thought nonetheless and I had to give her credit for wanting to clean up the place.

My oldest son has also added a new profession to his list of possibilities as of late. He told my brother-in-law as they were talking on the phone the other day that he wanted to be a lion tamer.

A lion tamer? Really? How cute is that? Unfortunately, my brother-in-law kind of laughed at him and I think it hurt his feelings. He's 10 -- if he thinks he wants to be a lion tamer, then I say let him. That is the great thing about being a kid. You can hope and wish for these things before the responsibility of adulthood and the working world becomes a reality. If my child thinks he wants to tame lions, so be it. At least he has an aspiration to do something. He can add it to the list of other aspirations I've heard him mention -- marine biologist, paleontologist, wildlife photographer.

Oftentimes I am very saddened by how quickly our kids are pressured to grow up. Let them be kids for goodness sake. Why do they need the pressure of being a grown up thrust on them at a young age?? Why do people insist on exposing them to things that children do not need to see or know about? Let them be innocent -- let them be young -- let them have imagination and hope for things that may be a little silly or unrealistic. It makes me sad that peer pressure makes children feel bad about themselves if they do like things that are considered "uncool". Who decides what's cool anyway??

When my kids are older and doing whatever it is they end up doing with their lives (which is going to happen in the blink of an eye), I am quite sure they will get a kick out of knowing that they aspired to lion taming and making the world sparkling clean.

For now, I plan to encourage their childhood dreams and aspirations and to continually let them know that I believe that they CAN do whatever it is they hope to do.

Are you there blog? It's me, Rita...

Wow -- five months since my last post. Where does the time go?

As most of you know, in a few short weeks, I will be turning the big "four-oh" -- that's right, 40. I don't mind too much other than the fact it sounds weird when it comes out of my mouth..."I'm 40." Forty? Really?? Wasn't I just 25 yesterday?? Apparently not.

For the past year or more I have really struggled. This was supposed to be my year of "getting it done" -- that's what I called it right here on my blog nine months ago. However it has turned out to be my year of getting stuck in a rut without a road map out. I haven't accomplished nearly enough. Do we ever feel like we've accomplished enough?

I often feel like I've lost my sense of joy -- instead of living my life, I go through the motions -- one day to the next -- here's what has to happen today, let's get it done. I have let many things I enjoy completely go -- blogging, scrapbooking, etc. I'm starting to think I'm having a mid-life crisis of sorts. Do females even have mid-life crises??

Thank goodness for the virtue of hope -- because without it, I likely would have given up long ago. I still have hope. Hope that I will find peace again. Hope that God will give me the grace to be a better mother, a better wife, a more productive human being.

That part about being more productive needs to start right now, so I am keeping this post short -- my house in in desperate need of a good cleaning.

Enjoy the weekend -- and since today is September 11th (even though my post may come up with a different date -- I started it several days ago) -- let's all remember to count our blessings and to carry on -- filled with HOPE and gratitude.

A New Chapter in My Book of Moral Teachings

Hmmm...where do I even begin with this post...

The other night, my oldest son was a horrible brat (and that is the nicest way to put it). Thank goodness I wasn't there to witness it first hand because I may have inadvertently caused an earthquake here in K-town with an explosion of my temper. It happened at soccer practice -- my husband coaches him -- and when they got home, Ryan looked at me with a face that said, "I am in big -- no, HUGE trouble!" When his dad asked him to tell me what he did, he moaned and begged to keep it between them, but that wasn't going to happen, so he told me the things (that's right, not one, but TWO big blunders) that he did.

The first one involved him yelling out to one of the boys during practice and making a joke about this boy's size/weight. (My son is not a tiny kid, so why he would do this is beyond me.) He says he did it to make the other boys laugh. WHAT!?!?! I was literally shocked...and horrified. I think my mouth dropped open when he told me and I know my eyes bugged out of my head. I was floored that my son was so mean. And to top it off, the boys were messing around after practice and my son decided to throw a handful of dirt at this very same boy to "be funny". He threw it at his head and got it in his eye, which I'm sure was very painful. He and this boy get along fine, so why my son decided to act so horribly is beyond me, but I was absolutely fuming! I cannot tell you the countless number of times I have had discussions with my kids about not hurting feelings and how making someone else the butt of your joke is never funny. It's just plain mean and disrespectful.

So here comes the part about the new chapter in my book. You can imagine that I spent the rest of the evening preaching to my son. Lucky for him it was a short evening because part of his punishment was he had to go straight to bed when he came home. I truly could not get over the shock of what he did. As Ryan was going to bed, I was sitting there with him, making sure he really understood why what he did was so wrong and trying to make a comparison for him to really get it.

Now, let me tell you that I grew up in a very strict Catholic house. I should have been able to reference something from my religious upbringing -- or even an example from my own childhood of a bad choice I made and the consequences (I can think of several now). But instead, I heard myself saying to my son....

(this is almost too embarrassing)

"Ryan, it's like that time on SpongeBob..." I went on to remind him of a time when SpongeBob was making squirrel jokes to make everyone laugh -- but one of his very best friends who is a squirrel was incredibly hurt by his actions.

The minute it was coming out of my mouth, my brain was screaming at me, "What in the world are you doing?? Referencing SpongeBob -- are you kidding me???" A part of me wanted to laugh -- and a part of me was stunned. Of all the things I could have said, I chose to refer to SpongeBob. Wow. But as I looked at Ryan and tried to focus, I realized a lightbulb had gone off in his head. My reference to the sponge was getting through and I could tell he knew exactly the point I was trying to make.

So for all of you good moms who are able to pull references from better and more meaningful sources, I applaud you. I think my brain has gone to mush -- or maybe we just watch far too much SpongeBob in this house. But I guess if my son got what I was saying, it really doesn't matter. The lesson is the important thing no matter where it comes from.