So much more right.

When I think about how life felt this time last year, I feel like a completely different person emotionally. I felt alone then. Isolated. Struggling.

I don't feel those things anymore. I feel purpose, if not direction. I do not feel alone. I feel like I live here. Like it's my house. My town. My life.

Looking at photographs of my fall 2007, I can hardly believe I'm in the same place, feeling so much more comfortable, so much more right.

Stuff (and things)

It's been so long since I've posted. How about a general life update?

School:

It's going well. I had to leave it behind for a week to go to Kansas City for my mom's brain surgery (which went really well). I think I left most of my motivation behind, too, and have really struggled to recover it.

I love two out of three of my classes. I think I'm going to love all of my final papers.
One of them will be about the "Chip in at the Box" anti-panhandling campaign in Indianapolis. It outrages me. One of them will be about how our culture of war keeps us from helping people in poverty. The other one will be about the online fan communities of supporters of the Homeless World Cup. Good stuff.

I feel like I've gotten to see my colleagues in a new light recently. I've begun to see more of their lives, not just their academic ventures. It helps me remember that I'm in this with people, not some crazy group of academic automatons.

Work:

Mostly good. I still passionately believe in the mission and how we go about it. I'm working on our year-end appeal and planning for the big events we're doing for National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week. If you're interested, the week's web site is www.bloomingtonpoverty.blogspot.com. It still needs more content, but you'll get the gist of it.

Somehow I have managed to get myself invited to a social night out with some of the very cool ladies on the board of directors. I'm not sure how it happened, but I like that it did. And I wish that I could go.

And I do not, in any way, regret taking the job. My life is so much more meaningful this semester.

Social:

I have somehow managed, even with the extra job, to do lots of fun stuff socially. This weekend I'm going to the roller derby with friends. Love it. Can't wait. And next weekend I'm going to a Halloween party with some of my favorite people in Indianapolis.

I've developed a habit of going out to breakfast with people. I'm not a morning person at all, but I like that when I do breakfast with friends, the stress of the day hasn't had a chance to set in. We can just be. Besides, breakfast is cheap. :)

I'm also having man troubles, not the least of which is that a homeless man seems to have developed an awkward crush on me.


So, there you have it. Bits and pieces of what's happening with me these days - none of them complete. You'll have to email or call me if you want to know more about any (or all) of them.

Worth Living

I don't have anything major to share with you all today. I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I'm happy. I feel like every once in awhile, we need to share those kinds of sentiments.

I have a job where I get to do some good for people I care about every week.

I'm teaching a class where I get to inspire college students to look at their world a little more closely, decide what they don't like about it, then do something about it.

I'm in classes that allow me to think harder about the world I live in, how we talk about it, and what that might mean. And I don't feel like an idiot in them this year. A spectacular improvement.

On the weekends, I find myself doing lots of reading and taking care of household chores, spending an evening or an afternoon out with friends. The weekends are slow, and I'm kind of enjoying it.

When I was getting ready to start this semester, I was so worried about my ability to handle it all - so ready for the year to be over before it even started. But after much prayer and contemplation, I came to understand this new, more full schedule as a tremendous opportunity, rather than something to just get through.

I decided that this opportunity was something not just worth fighting for, but something worth living.

Right now, I sure am glad to be living it.

Visibility

Today I did a deep cleaning of my car, room, and bathroom. It lasted five hours. It was the reorganize and dust EVERYTHING kind of cleaning, and I'm pleased with the results. I even made a few discoveries that made the process worthwhile.

I stumbled upon a mysterious manila folder that, at some point, I had filled with encouraging cards and mementos from my time in Indianapolis. I found a squirt gun that Bobbie used to use to attack me at work, a black ribbon from my first homeless memorial service, and a copy of my story about volunteerism in the Indianapolis Star, among other things. Perhaps my favorite discovery was a piece of paper I kept above my desk at Horizon House. It says:

"Work is LOVE made visible."

I have no idea where I found the quote originally, or to whom it should be attributed, but I love it. I copied it down onto a new notecard and posted it above my desk. I could use the reminder every once in awhile. :)

Vulnerability

I read something incredible tonight. A confession. A horrible truth right there, in text, in public, for the world to read.

And it was followed by the retelling of one man's fight for forgiveness. I know a lot about that kind of fight.

I LOVE those moments. I love when people tell the truth about their lives, making themselves vulnerable before an audience whose response they cannot control. I've sat and listened to many people's stories like that. I'm always amazed when they apologize to me for telling me their stories, or for crying, or for taking so long, because when they're in it I feel so privileged to be there too. I find myself in wonder that they're letting me in on their hurt, their salvation, their bitterness, their hope. I cannot imagine why someone would apologize to me for allowing me to partake in such a genuine moment.

It seems so cliched to write about how much I love vulnerability, especially when it involves some level of introspection, but it's true. Even when it's about HARD stuff. Even when I can't fix it.

There's just something so right about the sharing of truths that happens in those moments.

Stories

Today at lunch I sat with a man who has been homeless for some time about his life. He told me about how he decided to become a theologian while he was in the Air Force, and he told me all about his educational journey. He hasn't made it to seminary yet - those darned college loans. And he's admittedly made a lot of mistakes along the way. But he's very well educated. Perhaps he's self-educated.

As I sat and listened (and took an accidentally prolonged lunchbreak), I remember that that's why I'm in this line of work. For the stories. The sad ones, the happy ones, the so close to success I can taste it ones. I'm in it for the stories. That's what makes this matter to me.

And as a sidebar, despite having heard some really terrible stories today about how my homeless neighbors have been treated recently, as I walked through the dayroom I couldn't help but think, "This is a joyful place." I watched a man playing with a child, bringing a huge smile to both of their faces. I observed people enjoying a sense of community in this safe place of respite. I listened to laughter as people joked around in the back of the room. Even though there is sorrow in the lives of the people who come through our doors, there is hope. There can be joy. I love that.

And another thing...

Today as I walked up the stairs at the shelter where I work, I heard a "Hey, Whitney!" and looked down over the banister. Standing there were three men whose faces I have seen over and over again, three men whose names I have learned, bits of whose stories I have heard. One of them is an artist. He paints beautiful things on found "canvases," many of which are hanging on the center's walls. One of them is a musician, a guitarist, who's performing in a local music festival soon.

I don't know yet how any of these men became homeless, and I don't know what's keeping them on the streets. What I do know is that these familiar faces greet me with smiles. They are my friends. They are my neighbors. And they are homeless.

Today I overheard one of my coworkers talking about what my homeless neighbors do to stay alive at night in the winter - they walk. It's too cold to sleep outdoors in the snow, unsheltered, so they walk all night long, up and down the streets, just to stay alive. Then they come to the center and sleep in chairs to make up for the sleep they lost during the night. Just the thought of that walk for survival, night after night, brings tears to my eyes. Because these are my friends. These are our neighbors.

And that's just not okay.

Shower Creature

I am blind as a bat, or worse. So when I got really close to the shower wall this morning to see what the dark spot was on my shower wall, I got WAY too close to a scary shower bug. Well, it scared me. I don't know if it was actually scary. I didn't stay close long enough to be able to identify the bug.

The shower, my shower in particular, is a very vulnerable place. In the tiny box I shower in, the shower bug could easily have attacked me. I had nowhere to go. I looked around, panicked, for a weapon. The shampoo? My bar of soap? The razor? Eww.

Luckily, I keep a bristly cleaning brush in the shower. And I smashed his little bug brains out.

But I am concerned about the shower bug. How did he get in there? I haven't seen a single bug in my basement for months. I am now sufficiently disturbed.

The Great Outdoors

I have had a bit of trouble in the great outdoors lately, so I'm staying in as much as possible this week.

It all started on my walk home last Tuesday. I've been making an effort to walk home from work instead of riding the bus or driving. This is partially an environmental consideration, but mostly seems like a good way for me to get exercise. It's about a 45 minute walk one way. Well, on my previous walks I had discovered a mystery road that piqued my interest. On Tuesday, I decided to try it and see if I could avoid the trek across the highway. I did avoid the highway, but I also got a little lost in the woods. In my own neighborhood. What should have been a 45 minute walk turned out to be twice as long. Geez!

On the positive side, I did discover a really beautiful part of the park across the street from my house, and I discovered that it is ENORMOUS.

My next adventure with the outdoors was on Thursday morning. I got up early - 8:00 on my day off - to try to do some landscaping. There's an outrageous bush outside my door that has needed trimming for some time. I whacked away at it for 2 full hours, stopping from pure exhaustion and because it started raining. I left defeated. The bush is as unwieldy as ever.

And the final part of my story is the direct result of the bush whacking, though it did not occur until days later - poison ivy. I am 24 years old, and this is my first experience with poison ivy. I had managed to go so long without coming into contact with it, I was convinced I wasn't even allergic. Go figure. The giant bush had apparently been covering a large patch of the horrid plant, and now I'm covered in an awful, itchy, blistery rash. Seriously, it's disgusting. It's on my arms, my legs, my neck, my lips, in between my fingers, under my eye. The doctor gave me some drugs that have finally reduced the itching, but I still look pretty horrendous. Thank you, Mother Nature.

So, I've been a little traumatized by the out-of-doors lately. I feel some interior respite has been well-earned.

Adversary

It is beautiful outside today, and I've had a lot of alone time. I'm very pensive this afternoon, and it's been awhile.

Today marked my second visit to a new church for me, Exodus. I like it there, so far. I like that they make an effort to facilitate community even through their services. This morning the pastor remarked that they never want Sunday to be the loneliest day of the week for anyone who comes through their doors. From what I've seen so far, they're pretty good at it.

The sermon from this morning has stuck with me all day. It was about Job chapter 1 - the conversation God has with Satan about Job and his blamelessness. Satan declares that Job's only righteous because of the riches and pleasures he has in life, and asks God for permission to test Job. The first chapter, alone, marks the fall of tremendous personal tragedy for Job, and yet he responds by worshiping God. Generally, I feel like that's where pastors have the story end.

But today the man delivering this message asked what was, for me, a really compelling question: If Satan were trying to destroy you, or prove to God that you are not worthy or blameless, how would he go about it? What weak points would he attack?

Now, in the last couple of years, conversations about any kind of invisible enemy have been few and far between for me. For whatever reason, it's easier for me to think of Satan as some sort of mythological being than it is for me to believe that I have some kind of spiritual adversary outside of myself. But as I've thought about this question today, the answers I come up with are so telling. I see places where the invisible adversary has perhaps temporarily won some battles.

I think that seeing those places is probably essential to my being able to take them back.

Extraordinary Transformation

I feel a little lame for reflecting on Gray's Anatomy on the blog, but I can't help it tonight. Sometimes good thoughts come from unexpected and, yes, even popular sources.

At the end of tonight's episode, the two-hour season finale, Meredith Gray tells Derek she wants to be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart. This was, for me, a powerful sentiment.

Now, certainly, I'd love to find that person- that life partner- that will inspire that sentiment within me. But tonight I find myself thinking that perhaps extraordinary always comes with together. It's been a long time since I've thought much about the power of community and relationships, but I really do believe that the most extraordinary things happen when people do them together. To clarify: I believe the most extraordinary things happen when people do them together with love.

Secondly, I find myself thinking tonight about transformation. When I'm not happy with the way things look in my life, I find my first response is to want to turn and run away, to find something new. But my friend Bobbie, time and again, has suggested that the better move is generally to stay in it, and transform the situation. Like grad school. It's hard. It's not what I thought it would be. Many of my colleagues aren't what I want them to be. So, instead of being unhappy in it, I should transform it, right? I should impact the classes, the people, the ways I think about my classes. (Note: I've come to like grad school much better than I had when we originally had this conversation.) I'm not sure why I find myself thinking about transformation, but it seems to have a pretty strong link to my above thoughts. Personal transformation can be pretty cool, but I feel like it's only extraordinary when it affects the lives of others. Transformation's so much better when it happens in groups.

I'm not sure the content of this post is as powerful as its title might suggest, but these are the things I'm chewing on tonight, and it's an improvement for me to be writing them down here at all. I hope these words inspire some thought on your parts, and that you'll drop me a line (comment, email, phone call) to share your insight.

Inspiring

Tonight I read through a bunch of my old blog postings - back to January 2007, at least - and it's the most inspiring thing I've done lately. I need a reminder every once in awhile that this life is not really about me. My own words in days past tell the stories of people whose lives have touched me. They tell of my anger at injustice and my joy at the redemption of grace. They remind me of fun experiences I've had, and they paint a clear picture of a life filled with privileges and opportunities.

It was like reading through an old journal, minus some of the drama you'd find in my more personal texts. I think I need to resume my blogging efforts. I'm going to make a concerted effort to write more frequently this summer in the hope that it will cause me to reflect more often and force me to translate my thoughts and emotions into something more publicly digestible. I hope you'll join me for that journey, and I'm grateful for those of you who have been with me along the way.

The Latest

I'm a bad blogger. I know it. But I told you I would be until something new and exciting happened in my life.

Well, that time has come. This week I started a new job at the homeless day center I've been volunteering with throughout the school year. Back in December, their executive director told me about a new position they were looking to fill and asked me to apply. I am now their part-time director of development, the first person to ever take on this position in their organization. It's going to be a challenge, and an adventure.

This week has been a week in which I've tried to learn more about the organization's vision and mission, which largely means I've been reading and talking with staff and volunteers. But Tuesday morning I arrived to see quite an unusual sight - there was a sheep in my office. A real one. It's mother had abandoned it shortly after its birth, so its owner (my co-worker) has to bottle feed it for the next couple of weeks. She uses a beer bottle with a nipple attached to it. And the sheep wears a diaper. Seriously.

Benefits

Today the Dean of Faculties announced that Student Academic Appointees (like me) will start receiving dental benefits this Fall! Hooray!

You've never seen a happier group of grad students. My inbox was flooded with at least thirty celebratory emails from grad students I've never even heard of. They're talking about hosting a dental party where people show up in toothpaste, floss, and mouthwash costumes.

It's the little things...

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Some of you have asked to see pictures from my recent journey to Egypt. It's hard to know which of the 200-something photos would tell you the most about the trip, but I've selected a few in a meager attempt. Enjoy!

Street Chickens

It appears my day by day reports on my activities in Egypt will not work out so well. My internet access has been a little sporadic. Instead, I'll give you some of the highlights. It's late here, really late, but I figured I'd better give you at least one more update before I head back to the states.

We've been in Luxor for the last three days. It was a truly wonderful experience. The guys who run the hostel we stayed in befriended us quickly, and they made sure we had a good time. They even took us out to the "local" bellydancing joint, where we'd see "the real thing," not just the tourist traps. Luxor is beautiful and much quieter than Cairo. There are two major temples to see, as well as tomb after tomb. The Valley of the Kings was particularly interesting. We saw tombs that were almost 4,000 years old.

New Year's was great, as well. We went to bed far before midnight because of an early morning flight, but both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were incredibly memorable. On the Eve, we went to the pyramids, riding camels around for about 3 hours. It's very scary when you dismount a camel, my friends, because they sit down on their knees and dump you forwards very quickly. And my camel was sick. It gurgled for most of our ride. Go figure. On New Year's Day, we took a felucca (boat) ride on the Nile to a place called Banana Island in Luxor. There we wandered the banana trees, ate more bananas than I've ever had in one sitting, and explored their fairly primitive irrigation system. The best part of our journey was the ride back, however, as we watched the sunset over the Nile. We had tea, listened to the captain's jokes and riddles, and relaxed as the sun descended. It was, perhaps, my favorite experience on this trip.

The most exciting experience of late was this morning. We got up at 4:45 a.m. to go on a hot air balloon ride in Luxor. It was OUTSTANDING. The view was incredible, the captain was entertaining, and afterwards...there was dancing! What more could a girl ask for?!

My favorite food experience so far was today. One of the guys from the hostel took us to try sahalab, a hot milk drink with coconut, cinnamon, and maybe nutmeg. It was soooo great. I'm hoping we can find some in Cairo today so I can have another. The hostel guys also cooked us dinner tonight - a "real Egyptian meal." Again, amazing.

On the downside, I am very tired of being honked at, stared at, and hassled. The salesmen in Luxor were ruthless in their appeals, and as young white women, we receive far more attention than we're due here. It's really more annoying than flattering. One of the men, in his appeals, called us "street chickens." We laughed pretty hard, but were very confused. This evening, when we asked our Egyptian friends, they said it's probably because we scatter and walk quickly away from their sales pitches like chickens being chased in the street. :)

That will have to suffice for now. I have one more day in Cairo, then I'm headed back to the States. Better make it count!

Walk Like an Egyptian

Maike says that in order to remember my travels better, I need to write them them down. I think it's worth a try, so even if this ends up being more of a list than a narrative, I'd like to share my experiences with whatever readers I still have.

We are staying in Maadi, a suburb of Cairo. It's the greenest part of the area, with several small parks and a few more open spaces. The apartment building we're staying in is lovely, and there are a ton of expats there who have been very helpful as we've planned our adventures.

Day 1

After sleeping in a bit to recover from our 18 hour journey, we started at the Egyptian Museum in downtown Cairo. It is massive, but almost none of the artifacts contain text labels. We did not hire a guide, so we found ourselves playing a lot of guessing games and relying on Maike's art history knowledge to decipher the importance of various pharonic items. The best part of the museum was the Royal Mummy Room. There are approximately 20 of the actual pharoahs' mummies in the museum. It's a little bit grotesque but we all found it fascinating. Best part of the museum, hands down.

Next we headed to the Cairo Opera House to look around, then we found ourselves in a garden (for which we had to pay an entry fee!) eating Egyptian potato chips. Afterwards, we took a half hour boat ride on the Nile with a crazy captain who kept leaving his post to ask us questions. We ran into another boat during this short journey.

Dinner was quite an ordeal. We had some very confusing directions to get to a "wonderful" place called Abu Sid. However, after an hour of searching, we discovered we needed reservations, so we headed to La Bodega (which we thought was a hotel, but it turned out to be an international restaurant).

After dinner, we went to Khan El-Khalili, an enormous outdoor market, and tried our hands at bartering. I have no idea if we're any good, but I think we're improving as time goes on. Everything is far more expensive at the Khan El-Khalili, we've discovered, so I doubt we'll be returning.

On the way home that evening, we had a highly entertaining taxi driver who "helped" us learn Arabic. I think we amused him at least as much as he amused us. Lovely.

And speaking of taxis, I would swear there are no traffic laws here at all. I have only seen one traffic light here all week, and the cars get so close to each other! Lanes don't seem to matter at all, and pedestrians endanger themselves every time they try to cross the street. It's insane. Really.

I have more to write, and I will try to be good about catching you all up, but I have a lot more exploring to do. :)