Who Run the World?

So about two weeks ago I started having pain in my right quad when I ran. I at first thought it was because I didn't stretch properly. So, the next time I stretched extra long, but there was still pain. So, I took 3 days off. When I came back, the pain was still there. I thought maybe I was just being a wuss, and decided to push my leg. I realized that it only hurt when I was walking fast and/or jogging. It didn't hurt when I walked or sprinted. But the pain was getting worse, so I took a week off of running. After a week I decided that it might be a deep tissue charlie horse, so I started rubbing the muscle. As soon as I started massaging my leg, it started bruising. The pain was localized into a perfectly bruised circle. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I searched webmd, but came up with nothing. Then I started asking nurses at my work about it. One told me that it may be a blood-clot and I should get it checked out. So, I called my mom. And she freaked out thinking that it was a blood-clot and made me promise to get it checked out, because my grandmother has a long history of blood-clots that almost killed her.

So I went to instacare in Provo, only to be sent to Springville because they were closing early for their holiday party. The lady at the front desk told me that if it was a blood-clot, I would have to go to the hospital. I sat in the waiting room for 50 minutes (even though the sign said the wait time was less than 30 minutes) thinking of myself sitting all alone in a hospital gown, in some random hospital room.

When I finally made it in, the doctor looked at me like the hypochondriac that I am. I felt stupid. He had me put on these hospital shorts that were out of control. I left my camping socks on just to make it more ridiculous. When the doctor saw the bruise, his face fell. Not so encouraging to someone who didn't want to spend her Friday night in the hospital. He started making these concerned "hmms" over and over again as he touched different parts of my legs. Finally he stated that he didn't think it was a blood-clot because there wasn't a significant amount of swelling in my lower legs. He told me he thought it was bleeding stress fractures in my femur. I strutted around the office in my short shorts and camping socks on my way to the x-ray room. The x-ray tech looked as though she didn't believe this could just show up. I'm pretty sure everyone in the office thinks my boyfriend beats me.

A million x-rays later and I have a "clean" femur. The diagnosis came out to a tear in my muscle and a hemotoma.

The doctor also said that I can't run for "weeks". I asked, "How many?" He stated, "Weeks and weeks". I asked "How many weeks and weeks?" He responded, "Let's just say, you will not run for weeks and weeks. And then, when you start, you will SLOWLY work up, but if there is any pain, you need to see a sport's therapist."

When I was leaving, I asked the doctor if I could get a note to get out of work. He just started laughing. I said, "I'm serious! Help me out a little!" He just walked away.

I feel like a cripple and I have nothing to show for it. No leg brace, no time off of work to "rest", and no temporary handicap parking permit. This could possibly the worst pseudo-injury ever.

I called and talked to my dad, and told him what happened. He stated, "That's weird. Well, you're weird so I guess it works."

'Till The World Ends

So I've started a new book. It's called "The Road", and it's inspired me to plan what I would do if I were one of the last two people alive.

First of all, I would never repopulate the Earth. For starters, our sex drive will probably have disappeared due to malnutrition. Secondly, who would marry us? Would God send down an angel like with Adam and Eve? Any child born to us would literally be a bastard child. And with me as a parent, the children won't have much of chance at success anyways. Also, there are too many complications that go along with childbirth. I mean, the odds of me surviving that without an epidural are minuscule. The book talked about having a baby in the kitchen and cutting the chord with kitchen shears. No thank you.

I would most definitely go all Britney Spears circa 2007, and shave my head. It's not going to be like "The Walking Dead" where I am perfectly covered in dirt and my hair is still perfectly curled.

I will probably not have any beef with cannibalism. Yes, the pun was intended. I know, I know about the Donner party, but I think they just didn't know how to prepare the meat properly.

I would immediately start travelling south to a warmer climate. I would hoard things like guns, gasoline, batteries, razors (because we all know that our cultural norm of shaved legs will not go away), and blankets.

If the end does include a trek to Missouri, I will most definitely be blasting St. Lunatics and Britney Spears from the battery powered speakers in my wagon.

All American

So, I'm still alive. I survived a meeting with my HK stalker. It made for a hilarious time. I realized though, I'm turning into my mother. I can't say no to crazies (unless it's at work of course).

Highlights of the Red Robin housed experience included my HK friends bringing a friend who is from Mexico. They spoke Spanish together, I spoke Cantonese to them, and I spoke Spanglish to their friend. The waiter spoke Spanish, so they all spoke Spanish with the waiter and we (my mission trainee and I) spoke English to the waiter. Confused? Much of the conversation had to be re-translated into multiple languages. I of course kept speaking Mandarin which no one understood. I was having mission flashbacks the entire time.

It went a TON better than I thought it was going to. I haven't received any follow up texts, so I think he may have gotten the hint that I'm not interested. Plus, I made sure to only shake his hand when I left.

As my mom always says, "They're just another person to write into your book of characters". Thanks Mom, I appreciate the "attracting weirdos" gene you so graciously gave me.

Ready to Run

Today I broke my best mile time, EVER. I feel like a slug by announcing this, but prior to today I had never been able to run a mile faster than 8:20. Meaning that every Saturday for 3 years I had to run the mile after basketball practice because my time wasn't fast enough for my position. I still get flashbacks to those Saturdays every now and again. Today I ran it in 7:59.

You would think that would be the highlight of my day, but, I came home to find out I was selected to win a free pizza from Papa John's. Before my mission I hated pizza, because I hate tomato sauces (which includes ketchup). I had no idea there was such a thing as a pizza without red sauce until I had more pizza then my entire life combined in Hong Kong. In HK I often enjoyed a pizza with Thousand Island dressing for sauce (don't knock it until you've tried it). Now that I'm back in the States, my weapon of pizza choice is Papa John's. I won't go anywhere else because I absolutely LURVE their garlic sauce.

Today has turned out to be truly amazing and it's not even 3:30.

Another Failed Attempt at the Future

After reading my friend Jessica's blog, I was really excited to hear back from Teach for America. I had been through the grueling application process, and was waiting with anticipation to hear whether they would accept me or not. Well, they didn't accept me.

I'm a strong believer that darkness proceeds light. Something amazing is coming my way, I can feel it.

Losing My Marbles

I think I'm losing my mind, or at least it may be early on-set Alzheimer's.

I have been having nauseous and migraines for the past couple of days (and we all know I'm not pregnant), so I did what all girls do and called my mom. She told me that she thinks my diet lacks protein. So, with her encouragement and instructions because I didn't know how to make them (literally), I boiled 6 eggs. Then I put them in a container and into the fridge, or so I thought. I went to eat some for dinner tonight and I can't find them anywhere. I searched the entire fridge three times now. I searched the freezer. I searched the cupboards. I'm out of places to search.

I thought maybe my roommates used them, but they have no idea what I was talking about. In fact, Caroline asked me what kind of eggs because she thought maybe I was making a reference to my ovaries.

Losing my mind at 24? Possibly. At least I still know where the candy is.

Just one of those days...

Today I was violated by a 11 year old at work and then had to tell my co-workers about what happened. I kept blushing, which made everything more embarrassing. Not the shy blushing or crush-talking-to-you blushing, but horrible full red and hot faced blushing. What's wrong with me? I thought blushing and acne were supposed to stop when I turned 18.

Also today, while running on the treadmill, I threw-up and had to swallow/chew it down in order not to make a scene. I think it was karma because I ate my roommates candy without asking her. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups aren't as good the second time around.

My name is Whitney and I'm a egg hoarder...

For a long time now, I have joked that my uterus is broken. I found out last week that I was wrong. My uterus in not broken, my ovaries are.

I went to the doctor last Wednesday, trying to find out why my body thinks it is pregnant. Well, the answer is simple enough. It is because I don't ovulate. No big deal right? Well that's what I thought until I started walking out to my car and realized that the doctor had said it was going to be difficult for me to have children. So I called my mom in tears because I was an emotional wreck from all the built up estrogen (oh and don't worry, because I don't ovulate and don't have a period, my body holds on to all that estrogen that builds up over time and exponentially increases my risks for uterine cancer). She of course didn't answer, so I decided to go to the temple, where I bawled like a baby the whole time.

I spent all day calling besties and trying to talk myself into being ok. The real problem, is that it was the 2 of a 1, 2 punch combination of the week (of course after skyping with Jessica about how great my life is right now). The news came the day after a potentially love interest fell off the face of the earth. Story of my life!

There are two really good things that I've realized as I've talked this over with my besties:

1. I can adopt all the Down's Syndrome babies I want.
2. I will have to take ovulating stimulating drugs, which means my chances of multiples increases. Meaning, that I will probably be the next Jon and Kate Plus 8, without the craziness.

My bestie Kendyl said that I'm an egg hoarder. I think I will add that to my power statement:

My name is Whitney, I hoard eggs in my ovaries, I may die a crazy cat lady, and I'm a Mormon.

Who's Your Daddy?

My Mandarin tutor wanted to give me a make-over, so I let her. I told her I wanted something subtle. This is what came of it:




I love Vicky! These pictures don't really show off how intense it was. While she was doing my make-up she kept saying "Perfect", "Thank your parents for your beautiful face", and "This is going to make you say 'Victoria's my daddy!'".

PS These picture make me feel like I should be on MySpace.

Setting Fire to the Rain

I went up the canyon with some besties and burned away the remnants of a previous part of my life. It was surprisingly cathartic.






Thanks to all my besties who were there, and those who couldn't make it. I wouldn't be here without you!

I'm a Big Kid Now

So I was reading my friend Natalie's blog and she commented on how it's time to grow up and update her blog's look, so I thought, "It is time!" (stated in the monkey's voice from "The Lion King"). So here's my best attempt at a new, older look.

It's sad when you realize that you're a big girl. I have recently purchased a big girl bed and am trying to do big girl things. I hate working full time. This is serious, you go to bed and it starts all over again, and there's no end. Where's my sugar daddy? I would be a kept woman any day.

And I'm a Mormon

I'm sure a few of you are aware of my church's new media campaign called "I'm a Mormon". I'm still working on my own tagline. The campaign includes making online profiles that show how Mormons are normal people. Some people are chosen to make videos that air online and pretty soon will air on TV. Basically it makes it look like Mormons are all rich and extremely successful.

But what about us who are average people?! I have recently come to the realization that I am completely average, and you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. We are all trying so hard not to be average that we all end up being uniquely average. Especially here in Utah, everyone is amazing, meaning that average is just taken up a notch.

After talking with my mom and some friends about this new campaign, we are realizing that being average is not going to look good in a video. As we sat around thinking of some taglines, we came up with a few that I really enjoy:

"I'm Kendyl, I'm 30 lbs overweight, and I'm a Mormon."
"I'm Kimberly, I have a messy house, and I'm a Mormon."
"I'm Phoxay, I'm average, and I'm a Mormon."

I think mine would go something like "I'm Whitney, I'm preparing to be a crazy cat lady, I eat my feelings, and I'm a Mormon". What do you think?

Red Flags and Flaws

Today I worked on the acute unit at work. It may sound like the most exciting unit in the hospital, but it's really the most boring. The patients are mostly detoxing. Which means I have TONS of time to think.

So today I had an epiphany. I realized why so many, myself included, hate dating.

It's because we are looking for, consumed by, and/or blinded by our partner's flaws and fail to see the red flags. These red flags, if heeded correctly, can save time, heartache, and not make us feel stupid.

Now I understand that hindsight bias is always 20/20, but in reality if we were looking for red flags instead of flaws, I feel like we are more open to the other person. It's not "He/she's a little corky" but more "does this person potentially have a mental disorder?".

I understand that often times flaws are in themselves red flags. Flaws are often correctable, and if not, can be overlooked. Red flags should not be.

What's a flaw? I'll give you some real life examples:

1. They are shorter than I am.
2. They weigh less than I do.
3. They can't remember things I hate (ice-skating, Mexican food, etc.)
4. They like to listen to EFY music.
5. They like BYU football.
6. They like to play ultimate frisbee.
7. They wear tennis shoes with jeans.
8. They are consistently late.
9. They like jazz music, but don't know what kind.
10. They ask me why I have trust issues.

What's a red flag? Well, let me give you examples from my own dating experiences:

1. If they say to you "If you went to the gym, and did some calf raises, you could have nice legs".
2. If they say to you "I usually am attracted to girls because they are pretty, but with you it was your personality".
3. If they say to you "When I first met you, you were funny, but now..."
4. When they say they don't have to usher funerals, and that they can choose if they want to our not, and then the day before your date they say they have to usher a funeral.
5. When you don't return a text within 20 minutes and they text "Did I do something wrong?" and then 5 minutes later "Sorry. I wish we could be friends".
6. You tell them that you're average, and completely fine with being average, and then they keep telling and texting you that you're not average, as if you have some sort of self-esteem issue.
7. When you tell them that you want to adopt a baby with Down-Syndrome and they ask you "Why?!" in a tone that makes you feel dumb.
8. They ask for your bestie's phone number.
9. They "can't" tell you what they do for a living.
10. Their Facebook profile picture is of them at a serious Civil War reenactment, and when you try to politely get out of conversation about the Civil War stating "Sorry, I'm a World War II fan" they proceed to tell you about their friend who has a WWII working tank.


I would love to know how you all feel about this. Please feel free to comment.



PS In case you were wondering which is the most "exciting" unit at the hospital, it is hands down the children's unit.

Bucket Lists and Stealing Ideas

So, yes I've been a horrible blogger. Sorry. I just don't have the time. And then today, I was reading my bestie Jessica's blog and I realized something. I love pictures way more than words. Her blog is amazing and I'm always looking at it to see what she's up to. Plus I love the pictures of her fam, so, I decided I'm just going to take more pictures and hopefully that will help me blog more. I said hopefully.

Well, this has been an interesting few months. I moved apartments again. I've been crazy busy with work and more work, and applying for other jobs because I'm going crazy at mine (no pun intended).

Yesterday I completed a life long dream. What kind of dream is that? A really, really good one. Thank you Salt Lake City Farmer's Market for providing me with the ability to check off one of my items to my bucket list, for FREE. I created a bucket list this past week, prior to yesterday's events. Here's the list:

1. Go to Africa
2. Ride a mechanical bull

Life is looking pretty good at this point.

Bloody Mary

So, for the first time ever in my life, I got a nose bleed. I was watching "Criminal Minds" and it just started bleeding. Why? I have no idea. I think it may have to due with it being a sign that I need to apply for the FBI, but they aren't hiring, so I'm kind of confused.

In other news, I bought Lady Gaga's newest CD. Not that impressed. Should I be proud that the first CD I purchased after my mission was "The Fame Monster", and the second was "Born this Way"?! I will probably love it after I listen to a million times. In all honesty, I did not like Britney's "Femme Fatale" after my first listen, but after dancing to it in the clubs, especially Pure, the gay club in SLC, I LOVE IT!

My life is still boring besides my job. I had a patient last week, not know who Michael Jordan was, and they are black. I literally split my time between working, going to the gym, eating, and sleeping. You would think I would have a six-pack by now, but sadly this is not the case. I keep trying to have an eating disorder, but then I get hungry. I have no will power anymore.

HK Round 2

So, I'm alive. I forgot I had a blog. Sorry.

Life has been crazy. I'm in Utah. I'm working at the hospital. I lost 15 pounds. I went back to HK. I gained 5.



The royal wedding was amazing wasn't it? My mom has been talking non-stop about it for the past two months. She stayed up all night to watch it. Yes, she is where I get my pop culture obsession. She wants me to marry Prince Harry, because of his badboy-ness. That, and I would get to have a royal wedding that she could go to.

Other than that, life is pretty boring. I had a patient tell me today "Hey meanie, I will never, ever marry you." I said, "Good. That is a great idea". I love my job.

Update on My Life.

So for those of you who have no idea where I am. I have successfully made it back to Utah. I still don't have a place to live, but hopefully will move in this week.

I made the 15 hour drive with no problems. I did it ALL by myself. It was the first time I had been alone for that long since, before my mission. It gave me a lot of time to think and sing. My voice was almost gone at one point, because I kept turning the music up louder to cover my horrible singing voice.

The whole way down, I kept thinking "Why am I going back to Utah?!" The answer? I have no idea. I realized that I'm actually starting my life, and it scares the crap out of me. I'm a big girl now, not only in size. When did this get to be OK?!

I'm once again working at the hospital. Because it's been almost 2 years, I have to go through all of the training all over again. I pretty much want to kill myself. So, you should all be looking forward for stories to come. One of the new security guards looks like Leonardo DiCaprio (circa 1997) in a good way, so I'm pretty excited.

I have started tanning again, because my dad told me I was pretty in high school, which is when I used to tan. I lay in the tanning bed and the whole time think "I'm giving myself cancer, I'm giving myself cancer. I'm cooking myself alive!" It makes for a pretty miserable 15 minutes, when I think of all the statistics. For example, every time you go tanning you increase your chance of getting cancer by 75%. I went and bought sunscreen, so hopefully I won't feel so bad when I go.

My grandma and her friends are trying to set me up with anyone who served a mission and has a pulse. I really need to find my own place.

I FINALLY watched "Penelope", and it is probably one of my favorite movies! If only I could find someone that would love me despite my pig-nose (flabby stomach, anxiety, and/or love of celebrity culture).

Moment of Truth

My goal recently was to fit in my True Religion (tm) jeans by my birthday. It was a snug fit, but they actually buttoned and I wore them all day!

Which brings me to birthdays. I HATE them! Why? Let me count the ways:

1. You automatically become the center of attention.
2. Your expectations of the day always fall short of what happens.
3. No matter what, people feel obligated to be nice/call/say happy birthday.
4. Somehow there is always fighting. Whether the other party is aware of my passive-aggressiveness really isn't my problem. Sometimes I hate estrogen.

We all have moments, usually called epiphanies. Today was one of those days. I went to the gym on a Friday night at 8. I was so excited just to run. As I ran looking around at the nearly empty gym, I thought to myself, "Look at these gym junkies! Double oo-er!". But then I thought "Am I one of them?!" I mean all I look forward to is going to the gym. When life gets hard I just want to run. Is that bad?! Everyone always thinks that they are in control of their addictions, but in reality, are we really?! No. Of course not. At that moment I realized I was training myself for a life of single-hood. I literally started laughing that I will probably die alone.

Update on my life:

USH finally rehired me. I'm moving back to Utah next week. I have no idea where I'm going to live, but I'm starting to embrace the idea of being a gypsy. I still hate sad movies. I really, really hate them. My reality is sad enough.

I realized something else. When a girl says "It's fine" and "Really, it's fine" it has two completely different meanings. The first is passive-aggressive. It's not fine, she's just saying that. The second usually means that it's actually fine. Yesterday, I meant "it's fine".

Seriously 2011?!

So 3 weeks before I came home from my mission my Grandpa Englund died. Seriously Grandpa?! You couldn't have waited 3 weeks?! Today, my Grandpa Barrus passed away. I have been very good about the whole thing knowing that he's with my grandma and is healthy with no pain, but my mom is a wreck. I don't know how to help her. I've cut myself off emotionally, as always, to deal with everything but how can I help her?! I just have to keep leaving the room when she's crying because I don't know what to do, which is completely not like me. Thank you 2011.

So, in true Englund style, we had a dance party that involved my little sisters, my littlest brother, my mom, and I dancing. They showed me all of the dance moves that I had missed in the past year and a half, including the dougie, jerk, and stanky leg. It was amazing and would have lightened anyone's bad day. I wish you all could have been here.



Yes, that's chocolate on his face. He is the reason I'm addicted to chocolate. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to take a train and visit my grandpa before my mission. I love and miss him tons, but I know he's watching and helping me now.

Crying at the Gym

When I go to the gym, I watch the TV and run. Sometimes I bike. I have never wanted to eat at Denny's so bad in my life. Their value menu looks delicious.

One thing that almost made me cry today was this. I actually started crying when I showed it to my sister:

Why the Hush Hush?

So, after being sat down a second time, I realized that members of my family have been reading my blog and are subsequently offended. So, not to censor myself, I've set my blog on private. If you know of anyone who would like access to my blog, just let me know. I don't want to stop anyone from reading about my wonderful life.

Becoming Suzy Homemaker

Life is still a bit dull.

My dad and I finally finished reupholstering our couch. It only took 3 weeks.



I also made bread by myself. It turned out fabulous. Probably because I prayed before I started that I wouldn't ruin it. I'm completely serious.



I spent New Year's Eve with one of my besties, and the night turned out to be one of my favorites. The highlights of the night include but are not limited to:

-Getting lost on the way to a YSA dance and deciding to just watch the Space Needle's fireworks.
-Parking in the middle of the street to get out and watch the fireworks.
-Having an Indian man (dot not feather), who had a fabulous accent, take our picture.
-Having guys tap on our window and ask us where the party was. They had fake northern European accents.
-Getting on the wrong freeway entrance and ending up in west Seattle and finding the Goodwill outlet. Twice.

So I'm in the process of domesticating myself. After a long talk with Natalie, I realized that my free spirit needs to be caged. We'll see how this goes.