crushed heart

These are a couple pics from the last trip Jim and I took together just the two of us.  It was just three years ago.  Three stupid measly little years.  And yet..............in that time, my whole world has been irrevocably upended.  And not for the better.

I am now realizing the gift that year two of widowhood is bringing me:  cold, hard unflinching reality.

Year one is about survival.  I have been in shock peppered with a good dose of some sort of wacked mind novocaine that death mercifully brings the survivors.   I have mistakenly thought that if I could just survive and outlast year one that I would be "all better".

Lately I am realizing:  This is it.  This is life now for good.  Jim is NOT coming back.  All I have are memories.  And no one in my world can relate to me.  They all just want me to snap out of it and be "back to normal"...........I have had my year of grief......so they want the old Wendy back.....or worse, they want me to be some super-human caricature they can look to as an example of how to go on after tragedy strikes.

Sorry.  Wendy is dead. I really don't know who the hell this person is that has been left in her shell.  And no super-human caricature seems to be emerging anytime soon.

I seriously do NOT expect anyone to understand this post at all.  Unless of course you are a young widow too.  They seem to be the only ones who don't judge my insanity, anger and bitterness.  Unfortunately......I know about 2 people that fit that description.

I have had a few things happen in the last few months that I am not gonna elaborate on, but have compounded my grief exponentially.  I am trying to dig through the rubble, and figure out how to push forward.

I really am okay.  I promise.  Just tired of sugar-coating things so that everyone else around me feels better.  Life without the love of my life.....well frankly it sucks. I did NOT pick this. Neither did Jim.  Please don't even THINK about giving me some theologically based belief that we picked this in the pre- earthlife---I have heard it all---and it all makes me want to puke. We did not choose this.  But yet, everyone wants me to be some sort of poster girl for adversity, and how to move forward graciously and gracefully.  I am tired of being an object lesson.  Because I am not doing this so great.  I am tired and I don't want to do it anymore.
'
 Can I resign from being a widow?  Can I get fired from it? 

Sorry....I know this isn't fun to slog through.  Just needed to get this out......somehow.  And believe me, I am not saying 1/4 of what I feel.

I am okay,  I am pretty resilient.  I am just missing my Jim lately in ways I have been unprepared for, and it is throwing me.  How lucky I have been to have spent 18 short years with a man that was so incredibly great that now that we are apart, the loss has turned me psychotic.  Every girl should be so lucky.

just remembered.

The thought just now struck me that I did the nearly impossible exactly one year ago tonight.  I stood in a line and greeted hundreds of wonderful friends and family as they came to bid my dear beloved husband farewell.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to stand with my young children beside me at my own husband's viewing at FAR too young an age to be having to deal with such a thing.

I have never explained to anyone the difficulty of this night.  I had not slept or eaten in days.  I was beyond exhausted and grief-riddled.  The thought of having to stand and comfort others for hours sent absolute sheer horror throughout my being.  I was terrorized that I would not be able to do it.

My sweet brother, Matt arrived 30 minutes before the viewing and handed me a handmade ring.  He said this very special ring would get me through this horrendous evening.  He then explained to me that he had wound it together first with gore-tex, which is known for it's exceptional strength, abrasion resistance and  toughness.  The next layer was made from teflon, which was accidentally discovered to be one of the most slippery substances in the world.  My brother started calling me "Teflon Girl" a few years ago when it seemed like the trials in my life started stacking up.  He explained that, " bad stuff just slides right off of you"----yeah, sure!  I wish!  But I loved his faith in me and the imagery of me being made of this super-cool substance!
So his ring meant a great deal to me being comprised of gore-tex and teflon.  It was like I was being imbued with super-powers!

My family stayed by my side all night feeding me chunks of dark chocolate and protein bars.  I had a few moments where the room began to sway, and where I would see dark spots clouds my vision and I would feel myself start to black out, moments where I completely thought I would lose it and break down into convulsive sobs.  At these moments, I would look down at my ring, and tell myself, "You are Teflon Girl---you got this!"  And somehow.....I made it through.  It was an absolute miracle.  I felt God wrap his loving arms around me in the form of loving family, supportive friends and help from beyond this world to somehow endure that dreadful night.  I will be forever grateful that I endured that night at all.  It was one of my most difficult ever.  And I do mean ever.

To me the viewing was much more difficult than the actual funeral.  It was  one of the most formidable tasks I have ever endeavored to comfort, greet and welcome all of Jim's friends, co-workers, ward and stake members when I myself was so very beyond comfort at that moment.  It is a cruel thing we do to widows to make them endure this "viewing ritual".  I will never attend another viewing quite the same way again.  I have gotten a bitter taste of what it feels like to be on the other end of the viewing.  It is taxing, to say the least.

Tonight I feel so grateful that that horrible night is behind me.  I am grateful for what I did tonight!  It was much more pleasant than what I did a year ago!  But......it is good to remember where I have been, to hopefully help me keep my perspective about where I am going and how much I have to be grateful for. 

Lately I have been wondering "Where in the heck IS Teflon Girl?"  'Cause lately I am feeling more like Flypaper Girl--where all the crappy stuff just sticks to me.  Here's to hoping that she is in there somewhere.  I will let you know when I find her........hopefully it will be soon.

Just a few pictures from the night of the viewing.

one year

This has been a really, really tough weekend.  The hardest of any of the holidays or events thus far.  At least for me.

We met as a family and had a fun lunch, then did some meaningful traditions for us.  Instead of elaborate too much.......I will just share our photos from today.

 While Jim was sick he loved dippin' dots.  It was the last meal he ate.  So on special occasions, we go get dippin' dots to remember Jim.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all wrote notes to Jim with our love, wishes and dreams written out that we attached to balloons that we let go.  It is tender and yet heart-breaking to read my children's notes to their beloved dad.

 

 

I think Jim would have appreciated us kicking the soccer ball around at the cemetery for awhile.  I think he really would have liked that!  It was good for us to sit and share our sweet memories of our beloved daddy, wonderful husband, uncle and son today.

How can I possibly explain the chaos and grief of the past year?  I can't.  It has sometimes been full of compassion and love, often full of unbearable pain and sorrow.  And yet....we have had laughter, happiness and healing too.

I feel the pressure heavy upon my shoulders to move forward as I begin year #2 without Jim.  But I think it's fair to say that I am in no way "all better".  The pain and hurting and missing do NOT magically disappear just because it has been a year.  How can they??  We have this incredible and amazing person that we would do anything to have here with us........and yet he's not--but he SHOULD be.  I do love when I see his talents, abilities and humor in my children.  It warms my heart to the core to know that so many pieces of him are still with us.

Still loving and missing you always.........xoxoxox

still here

I have not posted in quite a long time.  It has been an interesting summer.  It went by way too fast, and in so  many ways was so much different than I thought it would be.  One way it was different is that I had all these expectations that it would be so incredibly wonderful to have all this downtime.

The downtime turned out to be a huge demon.  Too much time to battle the crazies in my brain.  For me it has been better to be busy.  But, we did do some really fun things that I will write about later.

In 10 days it will be an entire year without Jim.  I have survived it.  I'm not sure how well.  I am feistier, I cuss more, and I have learned a few things about myself........... and I am not sure how thrilled I am about some of those revelations.  As the year mark has been approaching I have struggled more than you might guess.  I remember what I was doing last year at this time.  I still have the voicemail from the hospice nurse the day he died.  I listen to it more than is probably healthy.  I have my strange rituals to remind myself that he really is gone.  That I HAVE to move forward.  That I HAVE to be strong.  That  I HAVE to be the one my kids can count on.  That I HAVE to be happy again, and dammit, I owe it to myself to be!  (Remember I did warn you I cuss more!)

Last night while I was awake when I should have been sleeping (yes, I still suffer insane insomnia), I read that statistically most widows have reported the second year of widowhood to be more difficult than the first.  Yes, that was delightful to read.  I am praying that won't be the case for me.  But at least, I know to perhaps keep my expectations low.

I do feel gratitude for the few good things that have come of this trial that I would never wish on anyone.  I am more patient, more compassionate, and definitely a LOT less naive about how life can turn out much more difficult than what you may have planned.  I worked with a woman almost 20 years ago who used to tell me, "When you make plans, God laughs"--I used to think that was sort-of an irreverent thing to say.  Then when Jim got cancer and died, I would angrily think of it and envision Him laughing AT me in a mocking way as if to say......."Yeah, you thought your life would turn out so nice and tidy--sucks to be you!" (clearly I had some divine anger issues).

Now, after some time and introspection, I envision a loving Father knowingly laughing at my short-sightedness, and I am hoping that any mirth He has is simply that He has a far greater plan for me and my children than I realize, and that things will probably eventually turn out so much better than I can realize at this point.  (At least that's what I tell myself so I don't dissolve into a sloppy mess.)  I feel like I have worn Him out these past few years, yet strangely I feel like he still adores even the horrifically sloppy mess that I am, and that this messy, crazy, slightly psychotic girl is still precious in His sight and it is so incredibly comforting to know that.

My goal for this next year is to learn to trust again.  To trust that Heavenly Father still has a good plan for my life.  I don't know what that is, because it sure is different than the carefully and beautifully mapped out plan I thought I had.  But.......I guess that's what faith and trust are all about.  Being willing to be led into the dark unknown.  Not what I wanted to do.  But, eventually in one way or another, we all get to do it.

I keenly remember a card a sweet, dear friend gave to me the day of Jim's funeral last year.  She has walked my path so gracefully.  She lost her husband in her early 30's.  She shared with me, "I learned through our loss that it was not a tragedy.  It certainly is not what I would have chosen, but God has a much better plan for us..."--I am not there yet.  It still feels tragic to me.  But I get glimmers of hope......   

 

10 months

My heart has not really been into updating the blog lately.  Which all things considered is probably a good thing.  I find that many times when I write, it is because I am frustrated, or really acutely missing Jim.

We have been enjoying a really laid back and fairly calm summer.  I am so grateful for that. 
Tomorrow it will be 10 months. We only have 2 more firsts to get through.  Our wedding anniversary and Chelsea's birthday.  Then we will have done everything once.

Surprisingly this last 10 months has gone by really fast.  It has been a total blur.  I can't remember much of it.  Maybe that is a self-preservation type of thing.  Whatever the case, I am grateful it has gone by quickly.  We have been so amazingly blessed to have been (and we continue to be) surrounded by so many loving, kind friends and family who lift so many burdens and constantly uplift and cheer us up.  There is no way we could have survived this well without such an incredible team behind us.  I continue to stand in awe of how blessed we have been.

I am also incredibly grateful for the loving care of our Heavenly Father who has been so incredibly patient with me these past few difficult years.   I am hoping that the next few years will be a little easier.  I am getting a *tiny* bit better at the single momma thing, and it is not as hard now as it was in the beginning. 

Well........I am thinking that only my mom reads this now.  She was sad I have not updated for awhile...so there ya go mom...I love you to the moon and back!  You are a wonderful mom.  I am so grateful you are always there for me!  xoxoxo

summer so far.......

Well, we are about a week into it.  I have been so looking forward to some downtime, and a little less structure.  Now how does that saying go??? 

"Be careful what you wish for."

Yeah, that would be the one.  I am quickly learning that I do much better with structure and schedules and being very busy.  Maybe I have just spent 9 months distracting myself.  I really do not like being stuck inside these 4 walls with my thoughts to haunt me.  Although, we have kept pretty busy and done a few fun things and I have been working hard in my yard and gotten my fridge cleaned.......it's just not the same as the structure of work, and school and homework.  I am thinking it is going to be a looooong summer.  Time to pull out the chore charts and start scheduling myself into oblivion.  Yep.

Our first official day of summer, we had a fun day out with the kids (and their friends) for some fun in the sun!

The next weekend, we attended the parade in our little town.  Chels got to be in the parade with some of the students she helps teach in her dance class.  Alex loved catching all the candy that gets thrown from the floats and vehicles in the parade.  He quickly learned last year that he could score almost as much candy as at Halloween time!  Mom has since confiscated his candy bag......but it was fun while it lasted.

 

 Chelsea is sitting in the back of the truck with her cute blue zebra sunglasses on!

Hopefully the summer will get very busy for us!  I am realizing that the busier I am, the better I do....I think the same goes for the kiddos! 

Happy summer!

Happy B-day Zander Man

My little guy just turned 7!  I cannot believe it!  I remember when he was born, we were so absolutely thrilled to be having a little boy.  I was very nervous because I had these 2 little girls, and I am such a "girly-girl" that I was very worried about what the heck I was going to do with a boy!

Who knew how fun it would be?  Alex and I have logged many hours putting together Lego sets, building cool geotrax configurations, and talking, watching, discussing and dressing up in all things star wars.   He is such a fun kid!

Some of my favorite things about Alex are:

* His deep love and compassion for all creatures.  He HATES to even see a bug get squished.  I have to avert his attention on the road if we ever drive by "roadkill" because it is so disturbing to him.  He just loves animals.

*  He is a clown (just like his dad)  The kid cannot be serious.  He loved to make his class laugh, which made for some very challenging days for his schoolteacher, but he is a really funny, clever kid.  He is always fun to be around.

* He is extremely tender-hearted.  He is very cuddly, and loves his mama!  <3   I love that!

*  He is  getting to be quite a good little reader.  He amazes me with the words that he can sound out.  He is always the first to volunteer to read for family scriptures.  And he is also the one who never wants to stop either--he always wants to read, "one more page"

We had a fun little family bbq/water fight to celebrate his birthday.  Papa Ken took Alex to pick out a new bike too (he was just a *little* bit excited!)

I am so thankful to my family for helping us celebrate our special days, and always making everything a little brighter!  Love you all!! xoxox