ups and downs

I'm not sure what to do with this anymore. 

Vicki pointed out to me the other day that it has kind of become symbolic of our life right now. 

If you remember, it was the project I was working on when I got the call from my doctor saying that I had cancer.  Weeks later I finished it and then couldn't find it.  Found it a few weeks later - down in the basement.  Hung it on the wall in the foyer.  It fell down.  I hung it again with hooks and was happy it stayed up all night, then all the next day, then for a week, then never thought much more about it.   Then a couple of Saturdays ago I heard a noise after I went to bed.  Thought it was Brian coming in, so I just went back to sleep.  This is what I saw the next morning:

Hmph!  So I was showing Vicki what happened when she came over the other day, and she said that it's just kind of like our life right now - ups and downs.  Yes, I guess it is.  Who knew that "W" would be such a source of frustration for me yet a source of laughter at the same time.

I'm at a loss now how to hang it anymore.  I'm thinking it's just going to sit on the mantle, leaning against the wall.  We have picture frames like that, and they've been safely up there for over 4 years so surely this will be a safe place for it - we'll see.

four

Tomorrow is number 4.  I'm so excited about it, because I will be more than halfway through the chemo after tomorrow is over.  Well, I really don't consider the round over until I start feeling better.  But it's the beginning of the over-halfway-point and I'm still excited about it.

I took my steroids earlier this evening, and Brian is bringing home some Tylenol PM or Benadryl or something good just in case I didn't take them earlier enough and my body wants to stay up all night like last time.  That was fun!

I'm going to go veg on the couch and watch some HGTV.  If I get to the TV before he gets home I don't have to watch any kind of military show or presidential interview or the history channel or that crazy show where that guy eats live varmints and all other kinds of gross things that make me cover my eyes and say "tell me when it's over".  AND I'm reminded daily how many days, hours, minutes and seconds until Georgia football kicks off.  Which I have learned to enjoy watching, but that also means watching college football nonstop from Thursday until Saturday, so I have to get in a few last days of the control of the remote today and tomorrow.  But I'll say this just for him......GO DAWGS!!

soccer begins

Soccer started Saturday, and Ethan was more than ready to get out on the field.

He has really improved with his dribbling.

He got to be goalie for the first half.  The coach wanted a parent down by the goal to help keep the goalie focused while all the action was on the other end.  That's my friend Tricia standing next to me.  Her son was playing defense in front of Ethan.  Let's just say it was a good thing she was there cause I had no clue when there was supposed to be a goalie kick, corner kick, etc.  I might not be asked to stand there anymore :)

Brian's job was to help watch the time and sub players in/out - and maybe keep the peace on the bench.  I'm thinking that might have been the other mom's job.

Elliott didn't want to play this year, so after kicking the soccer ball around a while and throwing the football with his friend, this is apparently how he and Aunt Meemer spent the rest of their time.  Well, except for when Meemer was taking all of these awesome pictures for me.

This was right after Ethan scored a goal!  If you look closely you can tell that he is smiling - he was pretty excited about it!

brothers, sisters and circles

My friend, Teresa, sent this to me on Facebook a few days ago. As my life goes right now, I just this afternoon sat down to watch and listen. And there were tears from the very beginning. I wanted to share it with you all because, to me, it's a tribute to you, my circle of support. At one point in the video a woman says that you know that people love you but you really don't know how much until you get sick. Oh how true that has been for me!

I'm at a point in the course of my treatment that I really just want to be done with it. I want to quit. I hate the anticipation of being sick every 3 weeks. I hate being sick every 3 weeks. I hate laying on the couch for a week.  I hate feeling nauseated and unable to eat, yet so hungry.  I know the cancer is gone and I find myself wondering what would it really matter if I didn't do the rest of the treatments (no worries though - I'm going to do them). I hate feeling like a burden to my friends and family - not that anyone has ever made me feel that way - just that I can't accomplish all of my responsibilities on my own right now and I hate that other people have to take on those responsibilities in addition to their own families' needs.

All of this to say that if it were not for all of you "loving me through this" I don't know how I would be doing it. I just finished (finally) reading through Acts again. I started before I was diagnosed and just finished the last chapter last week - I know I'm slow but I only read a little at a time cause I really want to think about it and let it sink in. Anyway, after I was diagnosed, and you all seemingly busted down my door to love on me and support me, I would be reading about Paul's journeys and how, in every place he visited, there were "brothers" who were so excited to see him and, for lack of a better word, loved on him and supported him and his ministry in so many ways. And while I do not dare compare myself to Paul, I immediately saw the parallel between you all and the "brothers". He had a support group that freely gave of themselves out of their love for Christ and for Paul, and you all do the same with me.

You have taken the kids to play just when I needed it. without me even asking. somehow you just knew.

You have brought us meals when I didn't feel like even opening my eyes.

You have encouraged us with texts, emails, phone calls and messages.

You have popped in to visit just to brighten my day.

You have rearranged your work schedule so that Brian could be with me.

You have stayed with us to help keep our family going while I was on the couch.

You have let me cry on your shoulder.

You understood without hesitation and were even two steps ahead of me when I said I had to take a little break from volunteering.

You have dropped what you were doing and ran to the store to get what I needed right then.

You have driven hours just to come and see us and tell us you love us.

You have used your hands to make the most beautiful works of art to comfort me during chemo.

You have stolen me away and taken me to lunch to get some fresh air.

You have sent us cards, packages and flowers and dropped surprises at our door just to brighten our days.

You have given me hugs every time I see you and have let me hug you.

You have shared your stories with us to encourage us and to let us know we are not alone.

You have invited the boys over for playdates and sleepovers so I could rest.

You have encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and share part of my story with others.

You have sat with me through chemo treatments.

You have offered to clean my house, do my laundry, go grocery shopping, taxi the boys around, take me to doctor visits, sit with me at chemo.

You have been patient and understanding when I have had to take a break from communication.

You have organized an amazing group of people to walk together in support of breast cancer patients in my honor.

You have done so much more.


I believe that as time goes on I will start to forget about how difficult it was to recover from surgery.  I will forget the true awfulness of the chemo's side effects.  I will forget that food tasted horrible for weeks and that just as it started tasting better it would be time for chemo again and the whole cycle would start over.  I will forget how sensitive I was to any kind of smell.  I will forget that I could hardly function without a nap and had headaches everyday. 
I believe what I will always remember from this is how selfless and generous you have been to us.  How you have absolutely let us know that we will never be alone in this journey.   Often when we pray with the boys, we pray that they (and we) will be a light to someone and somehow show God's love to someone.  You all have been that light to us, more than you will ever know.  You are our "brothers" - okay, you are mostly "sisters", but you get the point :)

"You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:14-16

Thank you for not hiding your light from us and for loving us through this!

thankful this week

for the teachers who truly love to teach and that now spend more awake time with my kids that I do

for the door greeter at Walmart, who knows my name and gives me a hug every time I walk in the door

for actually being able to cook dinner again - even though I've burnt something each time (blaming that on the chemo brain again)

for a husband who got up before me, packed lunches, and got the boys ready for school almost all week without even asking if I would like him to do it

for a 6 year old boy at my house who discovered that he LOVES kiwi this week and has asked for them almost everyday but can never remember their name and always calls them "those green things"

for even just a few minutes of real "facetime" with a good friend

for a garage door that at least goes down on the 3rd try

for an 8 year old boy at my house who all of a sudden is actually concerned if there is still food on his face and if his hair is combed

for thoughtful friends and family who know what I need even when I don't

for a few more weeks of actually being able to touch the remote before college football begins

for chemo to be half over

first day of school

The first day of school.  The boys were excited to go yesterday, and even knew what they wanted to wear and everything.  I'm pretty sure that's not such a big deal at our house as it would be at a house of girls (I know cause I grew up in one), but I was pretty excited that they had an opinion about it and actually wanted to look nice.

Here they are the morning of.  I mustered up the energy to go with them on their first day.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to and miss all of that.  I made it and crashed when I got home.  Ethan didn't want us to walk in with him at all and didn't say two words to us once we got into his classroom.  Elliott made sure we were both coming and even gave us hugs before we left.

There was chatter in the van all the way home that afternoon about money systems, new friends, new experiences.

"did you know that there are two people who have to carry the lunch tub all the way down to lunch?"

"and we have jobs that we get money for!"

"we get money for being good."

"blue is like really special.  But green is good too.  I got green today."

"we have to use the bathrooms all the way down by the cafeteria or down by the 2nd and 3rd grade cause we can't use the kindergarten ones anymore."

"we don't have any homework until Tuesday, but you have homework Mom"

"there's a lot of work in 3rd grade"

 and my favorite...

"I had to miss all of my recess because we had to practice the dumb car rider line!  Why couldn't they just make the people who didn't do it last year do it?  It was stupid."  (he really doesn't like to miss recess)

I have to say that I love our school.  The teachers are great.  The staff is great.  And I've met really great parents through volunteering up there.  It's still small enough to me that it really seems like a community.  And the 3rd grade last year got the highest math scores on the MAP test in the whole county!

Sometimes I get itchy feet and want to move.  Either out somewhere with mature trees and some space between houses or to Florida where it's warm and sunny.  We don't because of the market right now, but even if the market was good I would really have to think twice about leaving this school district.   One of the main reasons we are where we are is because we wanted this school district.  And we sacrifice some things for it, but every time I walk into that school I'm reminded of how much it's worth it.  I love that their emphasis is "respect, responsibility & caring".   I think they've all done a really great job of making sure that is the climate at that school.   They've been so supportive and awesome while we've been navigating the cancer journey, and I just could not ask for a better experience for our family.  Go ROCK STARS!!

4:56

That is what my alarm clock said the last time I remember looking at it this morning, trying to fall asleep.  I had had a busy weekend (for me) and was so tired that I laid down to rest a few minutes Monday afternoon and ended up sleeping for 2 hours!  It felt great at the time.  However, later that night I forgot to take my steroids until bedtime.  Not a good combination.  I realized what I had just done to myself right after I swallowed them.  Ugh.  I could NOT get to sleep.  As each hour ticked by I kept thinking about how this was not the start I wanted for chemo today.  Which probably made it harder to sleep, with the anxiety of that swimming in my head.

I tried to lay as still as I could so that Brian wouldn't wake up.  He kept tossing and turning, and I wanted so badly to say that I was sorry but was afraid I would wake him up if he was really just moving around in his sleep.  I kept thinking I should be productive, but I thought if I came downstairs and started working on something that would probably make it even longer before I could settle down enough to sleep.  So I just thought about all the things riding one the carousel of thought in my brain (which were surprisingly many at 2:30 in the morning).  I prayed a lot.  I looked at almost every blog post in Reader.  I perused a lot of apps.

But I made it through chemo today and do not feel that tired yet.  I'm starting to fade, but I know I can go to bed soon without a nap and can take the steroids with dinner, and hopefully all will be good tonight and I can get back on track.  I'm really hoping this doesn't affect my usual good day tomorrow.  I have just a few things I need to get done before the side effects really start setting in.  Just praying for a few good hours of productivity tomorrow :)

tuesday photos

This is Brian's breakfast almost everyday.  Peanut butter toast.  And his morning time with the iPhone.

I found free tutorials for Lightroom today on the internet.  I watched 3 of them.  I've had Lightroom for almost a year now and have barely scratched the surface of what it's capable of.  I'm determined to learn it (at least a lot of it) this year.

Elliott and Brian made more videos today with the Lego minifigures.  Did I mention Elliott LOVES doing this?  I don't know why I'm surprised.  It involves technology paired with Legos.  What's not to love for him?

Realizing there is little time left until school starts.  Realizing that the boys can't wear their play clothes everyday anymore.  Realizing some shopping needed to be done for Elliott.  Realizing that he's growing up and wanting to choose his own clothes.  Realizing that he really likes black and gray.

Elliott wanted to go skating.  Brian put on some skates and hung out with him.  I was the photographer and encourager (you don't break bones that way).  It had been a while since he had skated, and he was a little discouraged at first.  But he really did great and had improved so much by the time we left.

Awesome sunset tonight.  I didn't even see it.  Brian came in and grabbed the camera.  I love how the rays are going up.  It reminded me of the other day when the boys and I saw a similar sky, except the rays were pointed down toward earth.  We were in the car, and Ethan said "Elliott, look at all the people going up to Heaven!"  Love all the things he says.

monday photos

Favorite photos from Monday's batch.

One of the creatures I saw as I went out the front door to switch the sprinkler.  yay.

Enjoying cereal again.  Doesn't taste exactly the same but good anyway.

The devotion for today.  I'm finding that I go through phases where these devotions are enough for me each day and then when I want to delve deeper and read more.  I have been reading Acts, which was awesome cause the boys' lessons on Sundays have been from Acts.  Now they're on to Ephesians and I'm still finishing Acts.  That's okay with me.  I enjoy my own pace.

Brian and Elliott spent a good part of the afternoon making movies with Lego minifigures.  Elliott has LOVED this, and he's learned way more than I care to know about editing movies.  Give me a photo to edit anyday!

The Muny.  This was Elliott's first trip to the Muny.  We saw Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  Some of the material was over his head (thankfully), but he enjoyed the whole experience.  I really enjoyed the whole night.  I love the Muny.  Love being outside.  Love Forest Park.  Love musicals.  I would go every week if I could.

week in pictures

So last weekend, apparently during a time that I was feeling pretty good, before the feeling pretty bad started, I had the bright idea to do this project from one of the blogs I follow.  It's called Week in the Life and the idea is to document with photos and stories one week in your life - the ordinary and mundane and the extraordinary and fun.  The link will take you to the first post for Week in the Life for this year.  If you are interested, click on the link and then you can go to the "archives" on the left and click on "week in the life" and it will take you to all the posts starting with the most recent.

Anyway, my bright idea was that it would be so easy to do this since I wouldn't feel up to moving around much.  It would give me something to do on the couch cause I was going to do it all digitally anyway.  Whatever.  That lasted one day.  I didn't feel like getting up and grabbing the camera when I heard the boys doing something I wanted to remember.  I just wanted to sleep.

But even though I didn't do it last week, I am in full swing this week.  I'm kind of having deja-vu here.  I'm thinking I might have thought I was going to take on this project last year too.  I know it was never finished.  I am going to finish it this year.  And the good thing from last week is that I did make more of an effort when I was up to take photos, so I thought I would share.

We read part of a book about Missouri and the boys were supposed to

create something from what we read. 

Elliott created a flag showing which number of state Missouri was. 

He was very detailed about the whole thing.

Still loving these flip flops from Angelique - so bright and fun!

Time to start practicing the writing again before school starts. 

 My goal was to do this every week in some form. 

 This was the first time we did it. 

Oh well.

Amazingly there was a morning when it was nice enough outside at 7am to eat breakfast on the deck. 

And there was breakfast I could eat. 

Unfortunately it didn't stay with me very long. 

But I loved the peacefulness of enjoying it outside.

The band for the hotel that Elliott created. 

The hotel had a rooftop restaurant and these guys played on a rotating platform for all of the customers.

Just one of the gourmet dinners that my family got from me this past week. 

 I'm just saying thank goodness for Easy Mac and frozen foods :)

These make me smile each time I pass them in our bedroom. 

We've had the jars for months and I couldn't figure out what to do with them. 

A few weeks ago, this finally came to mind, and I'm so happy not to look at empty jars anymore.

A reminder of foods that really should taste good but do not. 

Such a bummer.

Evidence that the boys have been building. 

 I love that they play together and create things. 

 This is the hotel before the rooftop deck was added.

I vaguely remember Ethan grabbing the camera saying he was going to take pictures,

but this is what I found this weekend when I uploaded everything. 

It's not flattering, but I'm glad he captured it. 

It's what life looks like around here during those weeks after chemo. 

Teacher letters came out last weekend.  Elliott's friend called to see which teacher he got. 

It's not often that he talks on the phone with friends, yet it seemed so natural to him.

A reminder that the boys had been to Grandma's. 

Every Tuesday night we have to watch the new Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated. 

I tried not to at first, but it just sucks you in. 

It's not like the old ones, where each episode is independent of the other. 

 This one has a season long plot/storyline, and Tuesday was the season finale. 

Of course it left you wanting next season to start right then. 

Did I just say that?!?!  

 Anyway, it's fun to spend the time with the boys and share their fun.

The black stuff. 

 He had to have it. 

He was so excited about it. 

 Brian thought we should've written a verse on it like Tim Tebow. 

I'm surprised Brian suggested doing anything like Tim Tebow. 

 Maybe next game.