Just for clarity

 Just a note about my last post - we aren't 100% sure at this point that divorce is the end goal. Happiness is the end goal and if we can get there together then its certainly an easier result.

Surprisingly okay

 Things aren't bad. Still kinda weird. Actually tracking my steps and working on my eating. Things are a lot better since T moved to the guest room. Not sure what the future holds, but I'm doing alright.

Happy holidays, kinda

 As you can imagine, my holidays have been a mixed bag so far. Thanksgiving was nice (fresh oysters at my son's), mom's birthday yesterday was great (we all took the day off work to do fun things!), my good friend Cathy came for a few days.

But my spouse is living in the guest room and although he says he wants our marriage, his actions indicate he misses his mommy taking care of him. And that ship has sailed. I don't really want to go through a divorce and I'm not in a big rush. But this is just a lull while I sort stuff out - not a long term go forward plan.

Sigh.

Take care y'all.

Things we learn in childhood

I totally bought into the fallacy we teach our children in school: that being smart is sufficient. As long as I did my work, got good grades, and wasn't a "problem", I was successful. What a terrible message to send because the reality after school is completely different. Being smart might be necessary, but it is nowhere near sufficient to success. Hard work, tooting your own horn, standing up for yourself - all important. And still don't guarantee success.

Are relationships really any different? I absorbed the message (from around me, not specific to my family) that if I were a good cook, housekeeper, and partner, that a good relationship would somehow follow.  Hardly! Those things might be important, but again - not sufficient. And somehow I've thought if my house were neater, more artfully decorated, if I prepared excellent meals that I would be treated the way I wanted. Yeah, hasn't happened.

When my husband had an emotional affair during the pandemic I thought if I tried harder I could fix it. But he needs to want to change. And he has said he does and we went to counseling and some things improved, but other things stayed the same. So here we are. I don't know if there is much left to salvage. If we are able to stay together it will be because we built something new, not fixed the old. 

I'm a careful person. I've always asked why. I'm tired. I've deferred my dreams and now at 57 I'm lonely, overweight, and don't even know who I am or what I want. And the things I know, well I never made a plan to make them happen because the things I enjoy and want haven't aligned with my partner. 

No idea what's next. There have been days I've been too sad to dream. I feel like I've lost my dreams. Taken the safer road. That needs to change.

I know why older people get religion

 I know that title sounds bad, I don't mean it. I just mean I understand a bit. This is the first time I've lived alone in adulthood except for a 6 month stint in an efficiency apartment in college.

I have a job, a nice house, friends, dogs, family. And yet. Sitting alone at the end of the day I can't help but ask myself what it's all about. I've been so busy caring for others, making a home, making a life, that I don't even know what my dreams are. What's the point? I don't mean to sounds depressed, its just I'm alone with my thoughts and a minimal to do list. I'm not sure who will come out the other side of this, but maybe I will have an idea who she is. Right now my own heart and mind feel like the undiscovered country.

Monday

 So my husband moved out of the house a week ago yesterday, at my request. It's been a lot. 

Rudderless

 I have no motivation. I'm not doing badly, thins are okay, I just don't feel motivated to really do much of anything.  Am I depressed or just need a new focus?

The house

 I have finally got the furniture in its interim locations for the most part and I have unboxed enough that I am actually hanging pictures!  Yes I am stressed and I am struggling to get back into a routine, but I'm doing a heck of a lot better than I was. So I am calling it a win.

Better at the beach

When I was a kid, my maternal grandparents had a camper. We went to Edisto Island SC a lot. We fished and caught shrimp and crabs and oysters, rode bikes, and walked the beach looking for shells (a major family affair). There was a small gift shop/bait/grocery and that was about it. It was the first place I heard the Gullah language spoken, long before I knew the term. In the late 70s a small number of condos were built over on the marsh side but then the city council got involved and updated the ordinances to keep Edisto as undeveloped as possible.

We started going back when Fox was kid. We didn't have a camper so we went in with mom or sometimes friends and rented beach houses. The grocery had been upgraded to a Piggly Piggly and they added a bike rental shop and a small handful of restaurants. Other than that, very little had changed.

Today the Piggly is now a Food Lion (much to the detriment of the hot bar). That's about it. There's some new mega houses tucked between the more modest, older beach houses. But the restaurants are still mostly the same, the bike shop is the same, and it's still a bit up the road for wi-fi.

We did a lot of the same stuff I did as a kid, walked the beach, cooked, visited old graveyards, read, did puzzles, and reminisced. Three generations out on the porch, listening to the ocean. It doesn't get any better.

No catchy title

 Well, let's see. We're back from our multi generational week long beach trip. Which was amazing! My husband lost his job. I started a side hustle with my best friend. I got on the scale.

So I have a lot going on and lot to catch up on.

Having said that, I've been feeling like crap lately physically. And I just couldn't keep doing it. I'm trying intermittent fasting and a significant overhaul of my diet. It's not perfect, but it's better than it was. The need to save money is just an added incentive to cook at home both economically and healthfully. 213.7 if the number I saw yesterday. Frankly I thought it might be worse.

Sometimes the thing finds you

 I told myself I would start Monday, but I had a mammogram at the VA which took a chunk of time. But I saw this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK-ukqgd3VI

A Tracy Reifkind easy 10 minute workout complete with instructions on how to make progress. It's stuff I already knew, but it was an important reminder: just start. somewhere. anywhere. Just do it.

So I did. One workout down, more to come.

My poor neglected blog

After we got back from vacay, a friend came for a week long visit (she leaves tomorrow). So between unpacking from vacay, company, working around the house, my job, everything else has sort of fallen off the radar. 

That all changes Monday when operation sort my sh&^  out begins. 

Back

 Back from vacation, trying to settle into the house, get caught up at work, and blah blah blah. Need to refocus.

And now for something completely different

 Incredibly enough, it is now time for our annual camping trip in PA! To say I am unprepared is a sort of accurate statement. I'm neither prepared nor worried, I'm going to do the best I can and let the rest go. I don't have the spoons for that.

Boring city

 We finally spent our first night here Saturday. Susie used the dog door today. So its (slowly) coming together! Pictures soon.

Final push

I booked a truck for Saturday. Final push to get our stuff out of mom's, and mom's stuff out of storage. 

So very tired.

Still alive

The storage unit is emptied of our stuff (my mom has some things in there), the house is (slowly) coming together.

Last week sucked but I made a lot of progress.

I am afraid to get on the scale.

Vacation!

 

Today is my last day of work!! A friend is coming down and I am taking next week off to move stuff and knock out some projects.

The good news regarding the roaches is this: they can't survive without water and there isn't any they have access to in the house. So they are highly motivated to vacate! The exterminator has used baits, traps, get, spray, and put out FAR more than he would if humans were living in the house. The toilets are saran wrapped so that is the ONLY water in the house and they can't get to it. I am really hoping we get a clean bill next week! Fingers crossed! After that we will do regular maintenance. The situation isn't as challenging as Florida, but its the south and the war on bugs never ends down here. Ha ha

Expect lots of photos next week!

And so it goes

 Old house have issues. So do new houses - just different ones.

This the continuing saga of the great German cockroach infestation of 2023: At the advice of the exterminator, I have saran wrapped my toilets, sealed the drains, and removed the appliances that involve water (dish washer, fridge, washing machine.) But of course the builder built the island in place and it can't be moved without detaching it. Fox had to remove the pantry door, the doors off the freezer sections, the handles off the fridge sections, and the front door to get the fridge out of its nook and out of the house. So on my to do list I have added "make island NOT attached".

They are scheduled for next week to come back out and napalm treat the house again.Y'all pray for me.

I know a year from now this will be a distant if unpleasant memory. A mere molehill in the rear view mirror. But right now its front and center in the windshield and looks like a mountain. I know there are worse problems and I'm grateful that I don't have a pending deadline of an expiring lease or anything, but I was really hoping to be moving in next week. Oh well. 

Floors! And a profound dream

 Houston we have floors!

I had this dream the other night that I moved into the new house, told everyone my name was my middle name, and then totally changed my habits, lifestyle, and how I presented myself. In my dream I was someone very focused on fitness and home decorating. 

Huh. Sounds like a good plan!

Ugh

 The roach infestation is still an issue. We've had the exterminator out twice, his recommendation is to remove the appliances and put them outside a few days. Yes, they like to live in appliances. 

Yuck.

It was a day

 So there I was, eating breakfast in my PJs when the phone rings and the floor guy's number shows up. I didn't mean to answer the phone with "Oh sh^&", but yeah. Because floor was starting yesterday, but I had not even thought about how they were supposed to get into the house. So a quick run to the house and I could get back to work. 

Clearly I have way too many spinning plates.

Pictures soon!

 It looks so much brighter with the ceiling painted! He started the main room and the lightest blue in the color swatch looks amazing!

It's ours (and the bank's)!

 We closed yesterday. I took some photos so you could see why we felt the carpet and painting needed to be addressed immediately.

Not shown: the results of the initial pest control after discovering the roach infestation. Sigh.

House pictures

I think these are fairly self explanatory as to what is what. You will notice this is A LOT different from our last house! This house is NOT my style. But it is newer (important to my spouse who was tired of dealing with wiring and plumbing older than us), the neighborhood is small but nice, and the back yard is a good size. The bones are good and eventually it will be more my style, but it's going to take a while.

So here we are:

View from front door.

View of the front door.

Living, dining, kitchen is one open floor plan. 

The master bedroom is immediately to the left as you walk in. To the right is the coat closet and door to the garage. It has a walk in closet and master bath with soaking tub. I'm not a huge fan of the master facing the front of the house, but we have that nice little enclosed patio out front which adds a layer of privacy. I also plan to add some plants to further block the window.

Moving back out to the living area, you can see off to the right there are doors to a bedroom, a bathroom, and then a little landing where the stairs are and a second guest bedroom.

This is the guest room that is the last door on the right - the windows face the backyard so this is going to to be the home office.

This is the hall bath

And on the other side of the landing at the bottom of the stairs is a third bedroom.

Those windows face the side of a neighboring house, so this will be a guest room.

Then there is a bonus room (FROG) above the 2 car garage.

And then the back yard. They had a trampoline and a pool,  so the grass isn't in great shape and there is no real landscaping. But it's a mostly blank slate!

So that's it. The people had 4 kids (as you can tell by the paint colors). The walls and carpets are in terrible shape. They had already dropped the price and it had been on the market 30+ days when we looked at it the first time. A lot of that is that people don't seem to want projects - they want turn key. So we got 13k off the price for a floor and paint allowance. Next time you see photos the carpet will be gone and everything will be painted. Closing is May 31, then we'll have the floor & paint people in, and then we'll start moving our stuff in!

The end is in sight

 Closing is set for May 31. Floor deposit made so we can get it ordered. Getting a second quote on paint.

Still crazy, but getting there

 So the appraisal came in low and we had to renegotiate, but it looks like we have a good contract, now for the lender to wrap up and for us to set a closing date. We will have a house by the end of the month!

Crazy

 I haven't abandoned this blog, its just that between work, life, the house, etc. I don't have a lot of brain left over. I'm ok and will be back to posting more frequently soon!

We're under contract

 Yep, made an offer on a house!! 

The weight of my weight

I'm up 5 pounds in 2 weeks. That's not good but in my brain it feels like 50. I'm tired of being weighed down by my weight, you know? 

I was okay until I wasn't

 Yeah, really bad week. Mentally struggling. Emotional eating. Exercise = ??? Dog training = abject failure. I think I have been beaten by a 10 pound chihuahua.

On the plus:

• I did my skin care
• I moved the kettlebell to the bedroom and I swung it some
• We are looking at a house tonight
• I ate a salad for lunch (I need veggies!)
• I signed the waiver to get my colonoscopy results from old place sent to new place so I can schedule

So not horrible. I did some adulting.

You can lead a horse to water (and I got on the scale)

 First off, the scale. Yes, I did some pretty major emotional eating, but I'm down 0.2 pounds. So that's not great, but not terrible.

So after my husband put together a spreadsheet with 3 months of their spending, the response he got back from his son was "yeah, we know what the issues are. we'll take care of it."  Um, please. If it were that easy we'd all be debt free with money in savings. So just an example, they made 1 car payment in 3 months, but spent $900 on DoorDash. Dude, these people should be working for DD, not ordering it!

I have no intention of giving them money ever again.

Just ugh.

Other than that I'm ok. Going over to my bestie's tomorrow to do some costuming. So that will be fun!

Take care.

The silver lining

 I know I left stuff in a bit of a cliff hanger. It's been busy at work and I'm out of spoons (as the young people say).

The silver lining is that hub and I are on the same page when it comes to the kids. We told them we wouldn't give them money, but we'd sit down with them and have zoom calls and review their finances and help them figure their own shizz out. Hub and I both took financial peace and while we don't follow it religiously, we're both pretty good about having a budget.

Food is pretty good, I'm doing a lot of walks with the dog (3 or so miles per day). That's about all I have right now. We started dog training with the dogs (another wholes story there) and we have nightly homework. So my plate is pretty dang full.

Do the best you can with what you got.

Just ugh

 So, yeah the funeral was every bit as sad as you expect for a 26 year old who should have his whole life ahead of him. 

Then last Tuesday my best friend's dad was crushed to death under a tractor. They did not have a good relationship, he was not a good person, and she felt about as welcome as a tick at a dog show at the hillbilly hot mess that was the funeral weekend.

Oh, and my stepson and his wife had their car repoed, so naturally they came running to the first bank of dad. The same dad who JUST paid off the $1200 fridge they put on our Lowe's card. His mom had offered them a free fridge, but apparently that isn't what they wanted..... We just found out about the free fridge and we are both pissed. So yeah.

I'm in a crappy place.

Fiber

 In reading about reducing cholesterol, fiber kept coming up as being important. For me this is a twofer: in order to eat more foods with fiber you are crowding out more highly processed foods. 

Since I am able to prep and eat here at the house and I prefer to eat at home anyway, this felt doable. But I've actually never intentionally tracked my fiber! I use the free version of myfitnesspal, but I was able to poke around and find where I could see my fiber intake for the day. The standard recommendation is 25-30 grams per day - yesterday I had 27. 

This does mean I'm going to need to log my food, but since I eat a lot of the same (or very similar things) it shouldn't be too difficult. 

Take care.

Annual physical

 So I had my annual physical last week.  My 2 big take aways were: my A1C is creeping up and kissing pre diabetic. My cholesterol is higher than she wants. 

Time to get serious.

Hard

 My son's best friend passed away Friday afternoon after a hard fought battle with cancer. He is gone far too soon.

Almost there!

 I have been dancing around in the 200 - 208 range since early September. With all the stress its understandable. But now that warmer weather is here, I am motivated and feeling good, and feel like I'm close to getting into my groove, I weighed 200.2 this morning. I'm about to cross a big line for me, and I'm excited!!!

Back and back at it

 We had a wonderful time! The Outer Banks are really special. If you've never been, highly recommend! We had a lovely time but it's nice to be home and be getting back into a routine. 

I didn't go too off the railes, I enjoyed myself but made generally good choices. Now I'm back home and back to walking the dog, going to the gym, and being more careful about my food.

It feels good to go away and not go off the deep end.

Take care!

Vacation

 Happy Valentine's Day! Some friends are arriving today from Alaska, so I am taking a long weekend/ short vacation and heading up the coast to the outer banks. I hope you have a great day & weekend!

Surprise!

Day 2 back at boot camp. I didn't even know how much I missed the gym until I went back.

I logged my weight (I'm trying to only weigh a couple of times per week so the scale doesn't may me cray cray). I thought "eh a little over a pound." Nope, a little over 2 pounds. I hate that slow & steady wins the race, but at least I'm making progress. Now to stay the course Sunday.

Take care. 

Back in the saddle again

 I went back to boot camp after an 8 day hiatus. It was hard, but it also felt good. I am still sniffly, but I feel like I am (finally) on the mend. I don't know if it was time or the antibiotics, but either way I'll take it.

It's in the 70s here - for a couple of days at least. That means a lunchtime walk at the beach. Yes! I might survive winter. :-)

Take care.

Over 2 weeks

 I broke down and went to the urgent care over the weekend. I have antibiotics and I'm feeling some better, but I still have congestion and my energy level is just bleh.

I want to feel better!!!

Another post!

 Lol. I haven't been a very faithful blogger lately, but here I am again.

First, thank you for the comments. It's makes me feel better to know that others noticed as well about Sean. He had such a big heart and yes, he loved both his brother (who passed many years ago) and his mom who recently passed. I think it was the three of them against the world when he was a kid.

I went to the doctor on Sunday. The congestion just kept getting worse and I was keeping myself awake with the coughing. I have antibiotics and a night time cough medicine that knocks me out. I am not up for boot camp but I'm at least able to get out and walk the dog. I can't walk both, but I can get out so that's something.

Anyway, here's to hoping this stuff clears up soon!

Shock

 For those of us that have been blogging for quite a while, you probably read Sean Anderson's blog at some point. Losing weight every day was his story about losing a lot of weight, regaining a lot, and losing it again and then keeping it off. His blog was very personal and his passion for family, life, and being his best self came through. I just found out he passed suddenly and unexpectedly in late December. We emailed back and forth several times and I feel like I've lost a friend. It's so weird. My heart goes out to his girls - they and his grandkids were his world. We really never know how much time we have.

I've stayed off the scale until today, choosing to focus on getting my head into a good place and making what feels like good choices. Despite a 3 day trip to Savannah I lost a minuscule amount of weight. I can live with that. But I do feel like it's time to get more serious, so I'm going to begin logging food into my fitness pal for a few days to see where I am. Am I making mistakes or are my mini vacations eroding what would otherwise be success?

I walked for an hour yesterday despite the fact that the cold I had last week has morphed into a persist wet cough. I don't feel bad, but it's def affecting my breathing - boot camp Wednesday sucked. Walking was better. Today is rainy and yucky so I will head to Anytime and walk on the elliptical today.

Take care.

A good place

 This past weekend I took a day off work and my bestie and I went to Savannah for a girls' getaway weekend. It was marvelous. She especially was in dire need of a break. We both came back feeling refreshed, renewed, and motivated.

Right now I am focused on getting out and walking, getting to boxing bootcamp a minimum of 3 times per week and eating plenty of fiber and vegetables. I am feeling better, sleeping better, and my mental health is my better. I know that's a result of several factors, but for the first time in years I feel like I'm in a really good place.

Not much new

 Going to the gym, scale slowly headed down. I am going to Savannah with my bestie for a long weekend. Still loving the boxing gym.

Going well

 Still loving the gym, eating pretty well, scale slowly going down.

Love my gym

 I'm not always excited about going to the gym, but I always feel amazing when I leave. I did 3 visits week 1, 4 last week, and my goal for this week is 5. I am really enjoying it and I'm so glad I joined.

My son's gf did my nails and they are making typing tough. Too long! I need her to trim them down when she gets back in town from her business trip. First world problems. Lol

Have a good week!

Good week

 If I tell you that it has been a successful week and that I lost 0.2 pounds would you be confused? 

We went out of town last weekend and to say that our diets went off the rails would be a massive understatement. Monday I was up nearly 4 pounds from Friday.

I nearly gave up. I nearly quit on my 6 week challenge at the gym. I told myself I couldn't be successful so I might as well quit. I sulked. I pouted. Then I kept at it. I tightened my diet up a bit and upped my water. I got back in the gym and worked hard. I dropped 4 pounds and ended slightly under where I was last Friday.

I don't know whether I will successfully complete the 6 week challenge, but I won't quit on myself.

Catching up

 Post holidays have been a bit of a blur - getting back into the swing of things at work and T getting back into the swing of work! So it's been a while. I know there aren't very many bloggers out there any more, but I still much prefer blogs over Fb or Instagram. I guess I like the boring back story. :-) So anyway, for those of you still around, here goes. :-)

My ex moved to Missouri and his brother lives in Maryland. His mom had moved to Kernersville to be closer to us, but of course over the years we have all moved away. Her relationship with both her sons is lousy and while she isn't my favorite person, my mom couldn't stand the thought of her being alone at Christmas, so she spent the holiday with us again this year. The situation doesn't bother T, but she is a fairly annoying person so having her here is not the most relaxing part of the holiday. Having said that, T jokes that he's the son she always wanted - she thinks he is terrific, so that helps.

I signed up for a 6 week challenge at Cape Fear Boxing. Who says you can't buy discipline? LOL. I love it! It's a boot camp and the folks there (employees and members) are really cool. I'm enjoying it! It is really helping keep me on track. We were out of town this weekend and my diet went off the rails, but the accountability of the challenge helped me to get right back on the wagon.

Living with my mom is going pretty well and I am thankful to be able to say that. Not only is it helping us save money to put even more down when we do find a house, but its just nice to go to the thrift shops or beach or sit down and have lunch. 

Work is going okay - the company as a whole is experiencing some growing pains but it's still a great place to work and I love my team.

My weight is terrible but I am doing something about it and I believe I can be successful.

My husband is doing Optavia (formerly Medifast) and has lost over 25 pounds so far! I couldn't do it, but I'm super proud of him. 

So he's eating a "lean & green" for dinner - which he generally prepares (although I may hand him say hot chicken and green beans for him to doctor). I try to provide some of the basics based on what we are having. I generally cook for me & mom (mom isn't a huge fan of cooking and is content to let me cook & she will clean). My son's best friend has cancer. I have to say the prognosis isn't good. It's awful. I mention it because in addition to his medical limitations on eating, he has a diet proscribed by and eastern medicine doctor. So I have been cooking for him as well and sending over meals. So yeah, a LOT of cooking. It feels like tetris some days, but I'm thankful I am able to help out in some way.

In any case, my life is dogs, cooking, gym, reading on my kindle, and trying to get together with my bestie. We have a girls weekend getaway to Savannah planned at the end of the month.

Life is good.

Take care.

Back in the saddle

 Well the holidays were stressful and I gained weight. My ex-MIL was here, and yes, she's as annoying as ever. 

Having said that, T got a job and started today. I found a gym I think I'm going to love. So things are looking up! Upward and onward!