Top of the week

Good morning.

It was kind of a weird week.  I've been feeling "off" emotionally.  Dealing with the car accident stuff, frustrated by husband not signing the separation papers, etc. has just left me feeling wiped.  Went to Cross Fit twice, but other than that came home & crawled into a book.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends over in Raleigh which was a lot of fun.  Today is food prep and laundry - luckily food prep is fairly simple this week.

My goals for this week:
No beer.
Stick to planned food
Water aerobics twice
Cross Fit 3 times

I have a counseling appointment Tuesday.  I've decided it's going to be my last one.  It is difficult with my work schedule and with my weight loss support group, I don't feel like I need it.

I hope you have a terrific day.  Take care!

Just a quickie

Headed in to work in a minute.  Totally forgot to post last night.

I've been to Cross Fit the last 2 days (more about that later).  Tonight is water aerobics.  Food is doing okay, beer has been (re)banished.

Stress is nuts, but I'm hanging tough.

Lots of love & take care of yourself! :-)

Doing what works

I don't feel like writing it all down now, but I will say that I have no idea why my husband is being such a jack ass.  He left me, I agreed to his terms.  So what is his problem?  UGH.

I packed my food today, and stuck to it.  Work was busy since I took 2 days off before the holiday, but manageable.  Came home, ate a small snack, and went to Cross Fit.  Had an awesome workout!  Clean and jerks and behind the head strict presses, followed by the metabolic conditioning (metcon): 25 GFD situps, 5 250 M sprints on the rower (90 second rest between), and 25 more situps.

The GFD:

That machine is no joke!

Came home to a lovely shrimp dinner with tomatoes & feta over pasta.  Took a shower and now I am getting ready for my weight loss support call.  I may not have lost weight, but that call has helped keep me from seriously going off the rails.

Anyway, it was a good day, despite crazy man.

Take care - love you guys!

ps Did I mention we didn't have wifi at the cabin - hence no posting!

The weekend

The weekend was nice. It started with my soon to be ex showing up Thursday morning instead of Wednesday after work to dog sit (oh, and he is trying to charge me for taking care of the dogs), and then my coming home to a mess. And it is obvious he didn't really do what he was supposed to as far as the dogs. But the middle part was nice!

Oh, and he was spotted in Cracker Barrel with another woman.

Really.

Lots of thoughts

Last week I spent a lot of time thinking.  Not on the computer, just thinking.  I haven't made any sort of secret about the fact that I am really struggling right now.  Last week I really wanted to just give up.  Not sure what, but I was just kinda done with everything!

Lots of stupid stuff around a car accident (everyone okay, a girl ran a sign & clipped my son).  The parents don't have insurance, we're hoping they will pay up without being taken to court.  And my insurance was going to double even though it wasn't his fault (I switched companies).  It's just been stress, stress, stress.  Not important stuff, just aggravating.

And I'm just tired.  Hence all the thinking.  What it boils down to is this:  how do I want to live?  Not someday, today?  What do I want my life to look like?  What can I do to make now look like that?  if not in all the details, at least in the feelings?

I have a nice weekend visiting friends in Asheville Saturday, and then was sick all day yesterday (throwing up).  Yuck.  I am taking tonight off of exercise and today I stuck to small meals of bland food.   I feel better.

Wednesday we are leaving for Georgia for a long weekend.  I'll be taking my computer, but I don't know what the internet situation will be.

Weight is steady, so that's .. okay.  Not great, but not going in the wrong direction.  Mentally I think I'm going in the right direction, but I expect it will be quite a process.  

A nice day

I woke up motivated to tackle the guest room and work on moving my clothes into the newly cleaned out dresser.  I packed up all the stuff my husband left, took some clothes out of a tub in the guest room, and worked on organizing my sewing stuff in there.

I set aside some items to donate, packed up his things, took a tub of winter clothes and a box of books over to the storage unit.  The room looks SO much better!  It was a fair bit of work, but it's looked like a laundry explosion for a while, and that's the room my son stays in when he is here, so I really wanted to get it tackled!

I took the print I ordered to the shop to have it framed yesterday.  Today I've done laundry, swept, and worked on food prep for myself and my son.  So yes, another busy day, but it's also been a lot of fun hanging out with my mom & son.

I made sweet potato ricotta pancakes this morning and bacon, so that was a nice treat.  I hope you all enjoy your day!

My mom at the beach out at Edisto! :-)

Happy Mother's Day

I hope you enjoy your Mother's Day!

It is one of those holidays when I will absolutely not go to a restaurant - they are always so packed.  So mom and I went out to lunch today.  My favorite Mexican placed has closed - what a disappointment!  We tried a new place, it was pretty good.  We took my MIL a take out - she didn't feel up to going with us.  Lately, she feels and looks terrible.  I truly believe years of food abuse have caught up to her.

It's been a very busy day and I am worn out.  I just finished mowing the yard.  Tomorrow I am going to work on my room a bit more, do my food prep, and enjoy my day.

Have a nice weekend!

Absentee blogger

The last couple of nights have been Cross Fit.  Fun, but I'm pooped.  Anyway, doing okay, but I am going to go plop down & read a book! :-)

I'm happy

I decided to take the day off of work.  I had a couple of appointments and some things I wanted to get caught up, so here I am.

I just got home from my counseling appointment and I realized something: I am happy.  We were talking about overeating and the acronym HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).  She asked me about angry and I realized I really haven't been angry in the last couple of months except a couple of times (related to my husband).  Most of my anger was stemming from that relationship, and now that I'm not in it, I'm just not angry much.  I thought I was just a person who had a lot of anger - I'm not.  I had a bad marriage. 

I'm happy.  Things aren't perfect, and some things are scary, but I'm happy.  Wow.

Lots of thinking going on

1.  Appointment with the lawyer was fine.  It cost more than I thought (but less than if she didn't go to law school with a good friend of mine).  I don't have paperwork - I have a list of questions/information I need to pull together so she can write up the agreement.  Now, fingers crossed he signs it - it's what we verbally agreed to, so hopefully it won't be an issue.

2.  I got on the scale today for the first time in ... 2 weeks?  3 weeks?  I'm up 1.4 pounds - frankly I can't believe it's not more. Nevertheless, enough of this mess!

3.  I've been thinking a lot and really considering how I wanted to express this.  Here goes:

There are people who are addicted to certain foods (maybe sugar or wheat).  There are people who have specific trigger foods (this is me).  I don't fall into the pit when I eat a small amount of any certain type of food, but certain foods (like pierogies for some weird  reason) I really can't moderate so I don't eat them.

There are people who are emotional eaters (again, me) who may or may not be sugar or wheat addicts.

Then there is a third issue, which is one I also face.  I get an emotional payoff from remaining overweight.  For one, I really don't like change.  I've had so much uncertainty and upheaval and stress over these past few years, and there have been issues I didn't want to face (like the serious marriage issues I've been avoiding since spring of 2011), so emotional eating has remained in high gear. 

Plus I fear change: in many ways I am comfortable being overweight.  I don't have to deal with attention from men.  It makes a wonderful scapegoat for when things don't go your way!  (Didn't get a promotion?  It's your weight!).  If you lose weight, then you have to deal with not only situations that might make you uncomfortable, but hey, if something doesn't go your way, you have to figure out why and not just use your weight as an excuse.

To paraphrase Cpt. James T. Kirk "Some people are very frightened of change."  I am one of those people.  I could spend a lot of time talking about my life experiences that may have contributed to something which is probably an innate personality trait, but at the end of the day, it's part of who I am.  And that is something I am going to have to confront if I want to make changes in my life.

I do want to lose weight, but I also recognize that a lot of me wants to stay safe, hiding behind my fat.  But the desire to change is outweighing the desire to stay the same.  And many of my fears have come to pass:  I'm no longer with the company I was with for over 14 years - I was terrified of that change.  I refused to deal with my marital issues because I knew that meant we would divorce, I knew I couldn't stay with someone for who I had neither respect nor trust, but I was so afraid and sad at the prospect of divorce.  but hey - that's happening too!

In some ways it feels like a terrible time to add another change into the mix, as someone who hates it and is in the midst of so much.  But a part of me realizes this is a time of change, growth, and transformation.  I want to come out the other side a truer version of who I really am.

And that means losing weight.

More to come.