Friend-Making Monday - on a Sunday! :-)

The inspiring Kenz has been doing Friend-Making Mondays as long as I've followed her and probably longer. I've always wanted to participate but never had a chance. Here's my first! :0)  Copy and paste onto your blog, answer and then post your link on Kenz's page!

 If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add a link at the bottom of KENZ'S post so we can all see your post. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts.

Answer each question using only one word...

1. Where is your cell phone? Charging

2. Your most significant other? non-existent

3. Your hair? Brown

4. Your mother? supportive

5. Your father? protective

6. Your favorite? nephew

7. Your dream last night? vague

8. Your favorite drink? water

9. Your dream/goal? doing

10. What room you are in? living

11. Your hobby? guitar

12. Your fear? loneliness

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mission

14. Where were you last night? home

15. Something that you aren't? naive

16. Muffins? allergic

17. Wish list item? boyfriend ;)

18. Where you grew up? border

19. Last thing you did? text

20. What are you wearing? PJs

21. Your TV? Bodyguard

22. Your pets? future

23. Friends? blessings

24. Your life? God's

25. Your mood? hopeful

26. Missing someone? always

27. One place that I go to over and over? track

28. Something you want: marriage

29. Your favorite store? Mardel's

30. Your favorite color? teal

Hate-Loss Update

Today's the Hate-Loss challnege update. I don't have any time - again - because I'm really trying to get the rest I need and be prepared for the next day. We have a big world conference coming up for my work and it's just around the corner.

Update?

I've had a couple rough days the last week w/negative thinking. It's been a cycle and difficult to break out of; especially because I stopped quoting Scripture and positive things aloud. I kinda gave up for a couple days there. Today was better - much better. So much better that I actually asked my friend if he wanted to go to lunch today. I've been putting him for a couple weeks. He asked if we could tomorrow because he was swamped. Ha! Thanks, God. :0) Right when I think, "Okay, I have enough of His grace to get through the next hour if I meet him for lunch..." and then I find God's going to have me depending on him another 24 hours or longer... hehe, love Him. ;)

So - that's the plan so far. I'm going to bite the bullet and let my unbelievably HANDSOME college friend see me 45lbs heavier than I was in college. I mean, I was still big in college, never under a size 16, but not compared to my weight now.

Still. I'm doing okay. We talked a lot today about my running.
OH! Running.

I completed the first day of Week 4 today! That was a major feat for me. The intervals jumped today big time and will again at the end of the week I believe. Anyway, I ran 1/2 a mile w/out stopping... TWICE. Wow.

Wow. :0)

Okay, I have to get going. I know this isn't much of a Hate-Loss update but... in some ways it is...because I'm taking a huge step in facing my fears and insecurities and meeting with Casey tomorrow. I'm praying I stick to it and don't back out last minute.

ONE MORE THING: I found out that we're going to hav a professional film-ographer at work tomorrow who wants to capture some of us speaking about our personal experiences traveling the world w/our work, etc. If you know me - I stay away from pictures and video - at all costs. I've been approached about 10 times int he last year to let them capture my story but I've refused and refused. I'm not saying I'm going to let them tomorrow... but I am thinking and praying about it tonight. I just ... when I see myself in photos and video I feel shame.... That's another thing I want gone.

Speaking of gone - I gotta go. :0) Hope everyone is well out there.  I hope to catch up on your blogs this weekend!
Love, V

quick post - maintained weight

This is a day late. I weighed in yesterday with a maintained weight of 237lbs.

I'd like to say I'm happy about it, but truthfully I'm not.  I was pretty okay with it yesterday, though not really. Today - I'm just not okay with it. But I did eat out a couple times (thought it was in my point range) and ate more weekly points than I normally have. In fact, I came close to eating all my weekly points. That was a first for me. I still had over 27 activity points left... even so, I didn't lose. I just maintained.

I still feel like this is the slowest journey on earth. I did good the last two weeks not weighing in every day but I fell prey to the scale today and was UP into the 240's again.

I just dont' get it. I'm guessing I need to eliminate the gluten completely from my diet and it's going to be hard to do it. I had hoped I could still eaten gluten and lose weight but something isn't right here. I work hard and eat right. I'm obviously poisoning my body since my reaction to gluten is slight, though it is there nonetheless.

Listen to me, I know... I sound ridiculous. I'm not in a dark place-- I'm just being honest. But I'm not giving up.

I've had the most stressful last few weeks of work, especially the last few days. It's only to get more intense in the weeks to come.

I've decided to move my runs to Mon, Wed, Fri so that I'm getting six days of activity. Mon, Wed, Fri being run days and Tues/Thurs/Sat being boot camp days.

Speaking of running, I'm supposed to kick off Week 4 of C25k this week and I honestly don't know how I'm going to run 1/2 a mile. But I'm supposed to try so that's what I'll do. I need to push through.

I feel myself slipping a little bit in resolve. Well, not resolve. But just getting loose in details and planning.

I binged last night so I'm going ot have to start #7daychip again. Right at midnight I had a friend text me a message that basically made me think she was going to kill herself. She said her last goodbyes to me and then wouldn't answer her phone. I was up 2-3 hours trying to get her family to answer the phone and almost giving into calling the police when I finally go through. She's doing somewhat okay today but a recent crises has her in a dark place. I've been praying for her all day... Anyway I ate a sandwich and even woke up at one point in the night in a panic... got up... and ended up eating a yogurt.

Wow. Eye-opening typing it and facing it. I've had such a busy day I never even addressed my behavior last night. It's good to type it out.

The other thing is my friend still wants to hang out with me and I'm having a hard time doing it. I had confidence on Monday to make plans to see him today but I had a very rough day today with all that transpired last night and the intense meetings I've been holding at work.  I was also part of a photo-shoot for my work (to capture some progress for people I report to) and seeing myself in the pictures was so discouraging. They were candid shots of me and some coworkers and I just couldn't believe how big I am or look. This is a whole body image thing... I always think I look smaller than I really am. Then I see a picture of me sitting down talkign with friends and I want to crawl under my bed and hide.

Anyway, right after seing those pictures my friend started texting me in the late afternoon his excitement for breaking into the 6minute mile for his runs this week. I was excited for him but negative thoughts kinda seeped through while messaging with him and working. I think he was gently trying to be in touch with me so that I would initiative getting together after work today like I mentioned Monday but I was feeling defeated and anxious... I just couldn't do it. Instead, I called him on the way home and we talked for about an hour... I wish I was over this. I'm getting closer to tackling it. The hardest part will be the first time we get together... He's so stinkin' healthy and looks the same, if not better, from when we were in college. He's absolutely gorgeous. Pretty people intimidate me. Ha. There's so much to be said about these thoughts. I really don't want anyone to feel compelled to say anything. I know the answers, I know what truth is... it's justy how I'm feeling today and right now... I need rest and I think I'll feel better tomorrow.

Anyway. I don't make a lot of sense right now but I'm just needing to post this and get an update out here. Hope everyone is doing okay out there. I'm off to bed; trying to get 8 hours of sleep this week every night and I'm already pushing it.

Veronica

Hate-Loss Challenge Weekly Update: Lots of Hate was Lost Today!!!

Today is the day that we update on our Hate-Loss Challenge I'm taking. Click on the Hate-Loss badge found on the right side of my blog for more info! What I can tell you is that this Hate-Loss challenge was never more needed than today! Affirming words, self-talk, prayer and breaking through the horrible negative lies and words in my head about myself is what helped me. This is long, but I have to write it all down for me. I'll start with today and then track back to about a month ago when I went through one of the worst days I've had in a long time regarding negative words/feelings towards myself because of my weight. Then bring it back to how I re-faced the giant and conquered... a lot of hate was lost today!! PTL!**

Today was the first day I have had to veer off my C25k running program and reschedule a run day.

I normally do the program Tuesday, Thursdays & Saturdays.  That works for me because I try my best to work from home Tuesdays & Thursdays, allowing me to be out on the running trail by 3PM and straight to Boot Camp at 4PM. It also allows for the extra days in between that are required for rest & muscle healing.

But work is getting intense as we prepare for a huge conference in February and I spent six hours of my day in meetings. I didn't get back home until about 3:30PM. By the time I finished getting ready, it was close to 4PM. My trainer called - "You coming?" Yikes.

I know that after an hour with either of my trainers there is NO way I can go for a walk/jog. That's why I run before I go to Boot Camp with them. Plus, after I conquer a C25K run, which are FILLED with positive words and fighting of negative thoughts, I feel stronger and more able to face a personal Boot Camp session with my trainers. I'm able to not think of all the people in the gym or studio and worry what they think of my ample body because I feel confident: I just finished a run! It's very helpful.

Anyway.
Today.

I didn't want to veer off my C25k program... But then I remembered: my trainers, who are gym/studio owners, train me for FREE. They know what kind of work I do and felt God was calling them to bless me/support me in my work by offering their professional services. I didn't want to say no to that and I knew I could reschedule my C25K day for tomorrow. The rate they charge in the area I live in is astronomical; they work with famous athletes & it's unbelievable that I have such a blessing to have them as my trainers.

SO. I went to to the gym. And today BOTH my trainers (husband/wife team) laid into me good. Normally it's just one of them & I was scheduled for J (husband) but he brought along A (wife) because of what he would challenge me to - he knew I needed the support. And I did.

It started out normal enough - a series of sudden work-outs varying from walk/jogs/sprints on the tread, squats w/weight presses & curls, single dip lunges, double dip lunges, running through floor ladder front ways & sideways, planks, chest presses, free weights, etc. It's all quick and all about muscle confusion.

And then, about fifteen minutes before our session was going to end, they shocked me:

Out came the 25lb weight plate.

I almost panicked on the spot but J & A talked straight to me like Mickey in Rocky. I swear, it was like out of a movie the way they both had to team up and fight the fear building up in me. Hate-Loss had to kick in high gear and I have to admit, had J & A not jump-started it, I probably would have lost the battle and given in to the fear & negative thoughts.

You see, two month ago, I was at my third or fourth session with them. They pulled out the weight plate and showed me what I needed to do.

Now. I deal with all sorts of insecurities about myself, my body, my weight and social anxieties. I try my best to not draw attention to myself because I feel my weight is the big HOT PINK elephant in the room. The day they pulled out the weight, there were about six people (all in perfect shape & two who are professional athletes) in the studio getting trained by personal trainers that work out of J & A's studio. And for some reason, at that time - they all decided to watch me attempt the weight plate for the first time. I looked at A and said, "I can't do this. I'm can't bend over like that. My rear is huge. All those guys are looking this way. Please, can we do something else?" She encouraged me and basically said, "No, do it. You got this."

Well. I didn't have it. I couldn't do it. And I felt like those guys & girls were just watching this huge, fat girl's big butt in the air fail every time. The other trainers were watching and I felt they felt sorry for my trainers to have the big girl... I don't remember how many times I fell to my knees. I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was disgusting to those watching eyes; humorous maybe; like they felt disgusted and felt sorry for me.

I could barely push the thing. You bend completely over, put your hands on the round weight plate about 2 feet infront of you, crouch down, try to bring your but down and push from your quads all the way across the gym floor and then back. I just ... couldn't do it. I felt disgusting. I felt embarrassed. I felt like a failure.

That was the first time A ever had to modify something for me. She took me off that and gave me something else. And that was enough to make me KNOW I was a failure. (Well - "know" is relative - we're talking about my mental reality at the time)

Either way - the session ended after the last routine, I said my goodbyes, walked out of the studio, gotg into my car and began to cry like a baby in shame, disappointment, more shame and disgust with myself. I cried and was shaking for about ten minutes before I could drive home - where I basically cried some more. The negative thoughts kept coming that night: "You are so FAT! You are FAT! YOU ARE DISGUSTING! You couldn't push that weight! Those men and people thought you looked HILARIOUS and DISGUSTING trying to do that! Your huge butt and thighs are DISGUSTING TO MEN! YOU'LL NEVER GET MARRIED BECAUSE MEN THINK YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY! You FAILED! You can't go back! You won't go back! How can you show your face there again? Your trainers probably feel they can't continue with you - you are just TOO FAT!!!!"


I'm serious. That bad.  And it didn't end that night - it went on for weeks.

I got a few texts that night from A checking on me but I didn't answer them. Then J texted basically threatening to hunt me down if I didn't let them know how I was. They could tell how defeated I was when I left. I love their hearts for me but at the time I felt cornered and overwhelmed & told them I would be okay. They were so positive but nothing could break through. It didn't help that I hit the road two days later for a five week visit back home. So I never went back to face the studio. And any time I thought about coming back home and getting a call from J & A, I would slip into those horrible words again and believe them.

When I got back into town a few weeks ago, J & A basically coaxed me back, though neither of us even mentioned that last episode. I had to wait till after the holidays when they opened up again. But I went. And the work-outs have been good. I felt embarrassed in the beginning seeing some of those guys again the first time I showed up, but I've since somewhat forgotten it. It always helped walking into the gym already flushed & pumped from a C25K walk/jog and have been able to be more confident. I've even been able to look at a couple of the guys in the eye and say hello. Huge for me.

And so I've been back at the studio for two weeks now with them three days a week. It's getting better and I was just today feeling like I finally BELONGED there when J brought out the 25lb weight in front of me.

Though I didn't move my feet ( I couldn't - the lunges before that had me trying to catch my breath & my thighs were shaking/recovering...) but I was running. My mind and heart began to retreat and those horrible, horrible words and thoughts came FLYING back at me. I swear to you there was this one moment where everything in my head was so loud it took a few seconds to register that my trainers & some people were talking to me - their words full of passion and eyes intense, "You got this. Listen to me. You got this. Hey. Look at me. You got this. You're stronger. You're ready. You got this."


I'm telling you - it was like a movie. I almost cried when I started to bend over and negative thoughts began to whisper but by then Hate-Loss mode had been jump-started. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I CAN do this. If I fall, I'll get back up and push it to the end. I can do this. I'm stronger than before. I'm looking better. I like this new me. I love this new me. This is the me God has made. Thank you God for health. Thank You, God, for an able body. Thank You, God, for J & A. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. People aren't going to see a fat girl trying to push this thing. They are going to see a strong, determined, brave, Christ-centered woman pushing this weight across the floor!"


And ... I did it.  Back and forth. Four times. I had to stop a couple times but J & A were there to root me on. They walked up and down the floor with me. Positive words. Pushing me further than I thought I could.

And guess what? The same men & women who saw my fatty-fat fail at one attempt two months ago?
They joined in. Some actually started walking behind me. In front of me! And others from across the studio at all corners, even while they were dying doing their own sessions w/trainers, some even lifting hundreds of lbs all the while hollering & sputtering out, "YOU GOT THIS, V! GO! GO! PUSH! PUSH! ALMOST THERE! PUSH!! ONE SET DOWN! PUSH! PUSH! THREE SETS DOWN! GO GIRL! GO!! LAST PUSH! SIX MORE FEET! GO! GO!!" watching from mirrors... It was hilarious and positive and healing and awesome.

It was then that I realized, I wasn't the fat girl. I was one of them. Fighting to condition & discipline our bodies. Working hard to feel good and have good health. Every part of me believes they have had to go through their own Hate-Loss journeys, too. There's no way people can know exactly how to cheer on a struggling person like me unless they have been there, too. No way.

AND SO.
I don' even know how to end this, (CHUCKLE)... I have no more words. Other than the positive habits Hate-Loss is helping me implement are everywhere just as important as the new eating and working-out habits I'm starting.

That's my story... and I'm sticking to it.
Oh - and I WILL do my Week 3, Day 2 - c25k run tomorrow!

It's Deb's Birthday! - Visit her site!

Hey there bloggers,

Today is Deb's birthday and I would LOVE if you could drop a note on her awesome site. I know it's already close to midnight and for some it's already the 12th, but go on by and wish her happiness and love - she's an amazing woman! And if you aren't following her yet, you should. She's a world-changer and is changing her own world on her weight-loss journey, too!

Happy Birthday, Deb! You are a direct blessing from God into my life and lives of so many others that you have touched! I am grateful for you beyond words!  Love, Veronica

Weigh-In! 3 minute run! Friends joining the journey!

Weighed in today at 237 for a total loss of 2lbs from my home morning weigh-in last week before TOM's crazy effects that night!

I guess I AM in my 230's! Whoo!

I really thought I was still in my 240's all of last week and that the 239 was a fluke, but I guess not! For people like me whose weight varies anywhere from 2-3lbs difference by the end of the day, it's hard to tell when you're actually into a new decade.

But I am. I'm in the 230's! Amazing.

And scary, too! The 230's are where I've held my weight at for the last five or six years. There's some kind of block when I get close to breaking into my 220's... but I'm going to PUSH THROUGH. I've got to. And I will.

One frustrating thing: I've lost more than 5lbs since starting the WW program but only have lost 4.8lbs since joining WW meetings. So I have yet to get my 5lb sticker. Boo! But I was happy for a lady who just finished Week 2 at my meeting and lost 5lbs in one week! Wow! That was awesome. :-)

I went to a noon meeting today and enjoyed the group more than the evening group I had been attending. It was much more interactive, probably because people were on their lunch breaks. It's the same leader, but even she seemed more positive! I think I'm going to try the morning group before I make my decision as to what group. So next Tuesday I'll go to the 9:15AM meeting and see how that goes. It will help my work load, too, so I'm not taking a break to go to the meeting, coming back to work an hour from home and then leaving for my jog.

I officially like the earlier meetings better than evening meetings. They kind of keep me motivated on the new week ahead. That's a good thing because Tuesdays are also the start of my weekly Couch to 5k Runs.

So kicked off Week 3 in the C25K program today after my group meeting.  This week called for a couple 90 second jogs and a couple THREE MINUTE jogs. I honestly was shaking in my Asics running shoes going into this run.

After feeling like my legs & lungs were on fire with last week's 90 second interval jogs, I really didn't see how I was going to do 3 minutes.

But. I did it! And honestly: I felt amazing while doing it and after doing it. My pace was a bit faster than the last two weeks, which was crazy good. I felt more like a jogger today while I did the three minute runs instead of a fast walker w/a jogging skip, haha.  It was freezing outside, about 30 degrees with a 12 degree wind chill, and my hands were painfully frozen - but I did it.

I was fighting negative thoughts while jogging the three minutes once I started to feel the burn and the urge to stop (about 2:20 into it) but I remembered the hate-loss challenge and spoke positively/prayed Truth and pushed through.

It's hard to think that right now while I'm fighting to run three minutes that I'll eventually run 3 miles. But after reading many success stories, I know it can happen. I just got keep going.

Right afterwards I headed to bootcamp where one of my trainers slaughtered what was left of my muscles!

Lastly, it looks like a group of girlfriends back home are joining a Biggest Loser: Pound for Pound Challenge  and have asked me to considering joining. To do so I need to submit to the team leader how many lbs I'm committed to losing by May 23rd. For every pound our team loses, BL will donate enough for 1lb of groceries at a food bank back home. I think this is great and it makes me happy these gals are joining the health-journey... but I have no idea how to guestimate how much I can/will lose by May.

Any input? One of the gals is joining WW and has decided on 35lbs. After my last couple weeks learning my body chemistry and reaction to things, I'm afraid to commit to that goal but at the same time, I would hope that by May I would have lost that much weight. Is that unrealistic of me? Hmmm...

I have a couple weeks to decide so I'm going to think on it and read up on the challenge some more.

Off to bed I go! Trying to get more sleep at night and I'm pushing my curfew at the moment!

An email from my sister

**I just wanted to say a couple things before sharing an email my big sister sent me today. She's my best friend and someone who I look up to in life. We were not allowed to grow up together but God has redeemed the time & even though we live in different cities, we've been best friends for the last decade. I am so blessed to have my own blood sister as my best friend. I mean that with every fiber in my being. Her email will follow this brief intro. I want to say thank you to everyone who responded to my post last night. Your tweets, emails, and comments were helpful, encouraging and sobering. Thank you to those who prayed for me, too! I needed all of that. I'm doing much better today. I just needed to get out my frustrations/thoughts and also needed to track my journey a little more thoroughly for my self. I appreciate beyond words the input everyone gave and I'm honored to be on this journey with you all.   Today is Day 14 of my #7daychip. No binging. No abusing food. That's a miracle in itself! Tomorrow is weigh-in and my meeting. It's also Week 3, Day 1 of Couch to 5k! And Boot Camp! And a big meeting I have at the crack of dawn for my work. So I must get to bed. Thanks again!**


An email from my sister:


STICK WITH IT!!!!!  I will admit to eating a lot less on weigh in days, too!  Now I have lunch time meetings, so I find my weight is usually the same as the mornings. It IS frustrating, but weight DOES fluctuate. That's just something to deal with. Then again, as my trainer says, a pound is a pound. If you lose it, you lose it. If you don't, you don't. The scale doesn't lie. 

Keep doing what you are doing. You've lost more than the average, and that's a big deal.  Aim for 5 % of your body weight and be happy when you get there. Then aim for 10%, and be happy when you get there.  By the time you hit that, you'll see how far you've come and you'll find your momentum. 

At the beginning, I had to have prepared meals and had to have my points planned ahead for the whole day. It worked for a good month or two. Then I started experimenting with recipes from WW.  My goal was always to lose a pound a week and never gain. It still is.  

And your leader is just the person who talks during the meetings. She's just telling you what the website already says for the week. She doesn't have to be a kindred spirit.  The scale is who you're going to see, and the other people there are who you're listening to for their tips and tricks and motivation. 

Make it about you. Not about anything else. When you're struggling, tell yourself this "Self, you CAN and you WILL." 

Today, I didn't want to go up in weight on some pull downs at the gym.  I can do them, but it hurts and leaves me breathless when I go to 50 pounds.  But I did them on Saturday, so I went for it, because I know I can. And for each pull down, I had to scream in my head, "It has to come from inside. It has to come from inside." Over and over until I was done.  It was hard, and I was breathless, and I was kind of shaky. But when it was over, I did it, and I didn't quit.

It has to be what you really want, and you have to want it so bad that you override your scared self who would rather be comfortable and safe.  It has to be enough that you just want to go down a size in your pants. That's all you want this month.  It has to be enough that you understand that if you just burn more calories than you eat, you're going to lose weight.  That at 9PM, you're going to brush your teeth clean your closet instead of sitting on the computer so you get hungry again.  I have to remind myself to keep moving every day. I have to remind myself to weigh my food, to make a good choice. 

This week, my focus is eating more fruits and veggies since they're no points.  Because I'm hungry a lot lately.  And tracking, tracking, tracking. 

You can do this. I know you can, cause you're me, and I did this. So, trust me, you can do this. 

LOVE,

Me