Taking time...

The two weeks have been challenging and eventful for me. On one hand, the events took my attention away from the loss, on the other, now that everything has settled, I return to deal with myself.

I thought a movie would have helped, one of the scenes reminded me of the feeling of loss. His loss drove him bury his humanity and kill lesser humans, those whom he deem, do not deserve to live. 

We learn from the episode and try to move on, at our own pace. No one should hurry me, I owe no explanation to any one. I sometimes think of the unborn child, nothing in particular, except that I once held it in my womb. It would be heartless to not even give it some time of my day, I feel. 

Sometimes I wonder if it had chosen to leave because I give so much attention to my first born.

Sometimes I wonder if, I am overcompensating on my firstborn because of the loss. 

Most of the time, I rationally remind myself that, devoting so much time to ponder isnt going to bring me/us any where... I look forward to the time i can start to exercise and correct any inherent issue before we can try again.

I look forward to becoming healthy again, a new-old me. 

I feel a pinch as I see people post photos with their newborns. It could have been me in Nov. I went through in my head, what could have gone wrong - diet, rest, myths, etc... A twitch in my abdomen reminded me of you. Although now there is no longer any trace of pregnancy left.

We will survive this and learn how to manage the loss, in our own ways. Seeing people lose their love ones will remind me of this, somewhat - it is a pain that everyone will, at some point, have to endure on his own, but it is a kind of pain that no one ought to have to go through. 

Through this, I learn to have compassion for the people who lose their love ones. 

We treasure each life that we come into contact with, do our best to enrich our lives and others. 

Love

Just like that, the journey ended at 13 weeks. I was informed that there is "something very odd" and my gynae delivered the bad news - There was no heartbeat detected. 

It was a routine check up after the cvs procedure, I thought I was there to collect the report. Something wasnt right when the picture of junior 2 hit the ultrasound screen. It was unusually peaceful.

After the initial scan, I cried incontrollably. Cannot described how I felt. Helpless? junior 2 was still so small, and there wasn't any sign.

At the second scan, I couldnt bear watching the screen. I remember the beautiful shape of its head, and the nice body. Head was nicely formed, really round. The first diagnosis of no heartbeat was confirmed.

Remaining time in the clinic was for me too grief, wait for TC and Er Jie to arrive. And for prof to explain what could have happened and what to do next. 

Seeing Lele lifted my spirits and reminded me that I needed to be present for this little girl. Seeing my mother reminded me that the last thing I need to do is to wallow in self pity, or to break my mother's heart. 

Sorry Junior 2 that we are not fated to meet and be family. As your mummy for 13 weeks, I will do my best to accumulate merits for you, in order for you to go a better realm. That's the only thing we can do for you and hope that all will turn out fine for you. Mummy and Daddy are grieving in our hearts, even though we looked like we are not. We will  remember you and keep you in our hearts. May you find peace and metta in your heart wherever you go.