Don't know why.

Everything is relative, even friendship. Sometimes when some people has already written you off, no matter how hard you try, it is difficult to gain back anything, the trust, the relationship, the understanding. Mayb the question is why were you written off in the first place, mayb the question is how did you try to win it back. But no matter what the question is, some things, it just cant be forced. No matter how valid your reasons are for neglecting whatever relationship there is, it will merely be an excuse for the recipient.

Who would want to be left behind? The feeling of being left behind is not and will never be good. The feeling that your friends are far better and has left for greener pastures and are only now turning back as a sign of sympathy cant be good.

Is it merely pride? Is it only an issue of face? Is he/she just trying to get back at you?

Does it matter at this point in time?

Sometimes, I just want to write these off as "if you know me, you will stick by me." It is a rather selfish way of thinking, very self-centered, expecting every one to understand me, instead of putting myself in their shoes. But it is also a kind of self-assurance, quiet confidence in my friends that they are rational enough, they know me enough, they trust me enough to know that I will not leave them behind.

At my end, I know that if this friend were to be in trouble, I have no qualms to help. No matter how much grudges he may hold against me. Actually, I should wish that misfortune will never fall upon him and perhaps, our friendship may just be like two parallel lines, never to touch upon each other again. If that is so, may peace and serenity be with him and his family.

That said, I realised I am becoming slower and slower in my reaction to news... I tend to take a long time to process some shocking news, it is as if my nervous system has been affected badly by drugs usage or something. I blame it on the flu medication I took last night :p

Unable to digest news and offer proper reaction, words. I wonder why is that so. Everything seem so "just the way it is"? I am lacking compassion, lacking feeling, lacking words of expression...
Does this make me a cold person? I doubt so, just a little bit slower.
This just makes me a person who is less able to express herself. I think I am just more careful with my words now and being a person who is usually not so careful, I am not able to process the "right words" so quickly.

Mayb I just have too much time in my hands now.

What do I want with my life?

I am but human.

Subjected to feelings, ill-thoughts, bad habits. I am afraid that such things will consume me.

I know I am not idealistic. I know the world is unfair. So why is it that when unjust is around, I feel affected? It is not for me to judge what is happening.

I feel helpless. I feel disappointed in the system. I should be able to do more, yet I didnt.

These days, I have been rather disappointed in myself too. The work, the attitude. Is this disappointment or simply discontentment? with my life? Why?

Need to find my equilibrium once more. :)

There is still a long long way to go! Jia You!