Seems like everyone in the firm is thinking about quitting. I wonder if it is because of the firm, or the people or both?

I suppose different people are unhappy with different things, different people are able to take different level of stress. Some people have tolerated things longer than others, some leaving with an option, some leaving without any other job security...

There probably isn't an explanation for all these, and the answer to my problems probably isn't here either. But I am beginning to call the question my philosophy/principles at work. I am beginning to wonder is being hardworking all that is necessary. I'm even questioning whether I should be doing what I am.

I am constantly telling myself that I am learning, I should try to learn as much as possible, do as much as possible. But things have been backfiring on me. Be it my own carelessness or anybody else's. I am seriously questioning whether I belong to a firm of this size to begin with. I am beginning to question my basic capabilities to connect to people, to liaise with people, to do simple administrative work. I am starting to ask what is it actually I want to do?

Am I trying to escape my problems at work? I am not sure. Would I be happier working elsewhere or doing something else? Seriously, I have no idea. I could probably have caught the "I'm whining about nothing" syndrome.

Is it so soon that I have to re-assess my choices? Or should I wait it out further?
Can I wait it out further? Would it be considered giving up?

sigh.

mental note to self: when some one tells you that "You won't understand", more likely than not, you will not understand his/her situation completely. So just accept it graciously and acknowledge the fact that you are not all knowing/knowledgeable and listen to what the other party has to say.

I know that I have always made this mistake when some one wishes to talk about their difficulties with me. I think I am the sort who jumps to conclusion to quickly: You are too emotional, you are too indecisive, you do not know what to do with your life, etc etc. But isn't that usually how pple feel when they are lost in the first place. Even if they knew they are indecisive or emotional, what good will it do to point it out to them at that time?

Especially towards people who find it difficult to share their feelings in the first place, my "know it all" tone/attitude will actually scare them back into their shell, comfort zone, pretending everything is okie.

It doesn't help that I like to share my experience. To me, sharing about a similar experience that I have gone through, lets that person know that I am on his/her side. That I know how it feels like. However, to most of the people, they don't want to hear about me and my stories. They are there to share their stories, their experience, their dilemma. My sharing becomes "stealing of the lime light" or some sort. Those who are better friends retreat into their listening friend mode while those are less understanding think I am an arrogant and selfish basta*d (which is probably true to some extent).

Tonight is not that night that I feel ashamed of myself. I have come to realise something about myself that is not entirely good for myself (if I wanna keep my friends) or my closed ones. I would like to do better :) I would like to be a better person, if not in other aspects, the least I can do is be a more approachable friend.

Of course there will definitely be times when I continue be a self absorbed as*, but probably to those whom I cannot be bothered to find it within me to be the bigger person :)

Ahhh.. The power of self-awareness and autonomy :)

the morning of father's day (actually the afternoon, cos i woke up pretty late), my Dad peeled mangosteen for me :) I came out of the shower, and he simply told me to sit down at the dining table while he peeled the purple fruit for me :) :) :)

Having heard how people around me have less than perfect relationship with their fathers, I am really grateful, on this day, for my daddy :) He has his flaws, definitely, but he dotes on me undoubtedly.

I guess I am really glad that I didn't sneak out yesterday and cause every one to worry :) It will probably be something that I feel bad for for a good long while, but it is better than having to regret for the rest of my life if something had happened.

I know I have to be resting, to stay at home and sit around, take my meds. But I am only asking to attend half of my good friend's wedding dinner tonight, is that too much? I won't be eating any thing, I won't be moving around unnecessarily. I will take care of myself when I'm there.

ARGH. I am so frustrated. It is not as if I want to go out to have fun and neglecting my body. I really want to be there to witness my friend's wedding. How can all of you just shut me up like that? Forcing me to stay at home?

Now all I can do is sit at home and blog about it. It has been a long long while since I have to ask pple for permission to go out. and the rejection is utmost annoying.

Halfway through my second doze of laxative (actually, just a mouth of it) and I am toying with the idea of throwing all of it away. Absolutely disgusting trying to down it and not to mention the after-effects of it.

As much as I would like to be cool about the whole thing, telling others that there is no need to visit me, that it is a small procedure, I am actually afraid of it. I have no idea what to expect of it, the entire experience is new and I am glad my dear boy will be taking a day off just to be beside my bed when I wake up.

I'm sure it is not going to look pretty like in the movies. I am going to feel groggy, thirsty, look like crap and be in pain (and probably be a pain). Am trying hard not to think about it and just take a step at a time. What's got to be done, will have to be done.

At the same time, I am going to miss out on all the action of a good friend's wedding, while the entire gang goes gaga over the big occasion. I might even have to miss the wedding dinner and the stay in 1degree15, the staycation with the gang and their families :( The entire idea of missing the whole thing just makes me feel really disappointed, like a little girl being trapped at home because of the rain! Boo!@

That little girl aside, I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow and I should be back by Friday! If any thing should happen to me, I hope the banks waive all my debts to them... ;p

WR

The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Dedicated to every one and any one - living their life today, making a difference, striving to become stronger, better than yesterday. Keep going!!! :)

Haven't blog here for the longest time... I have finally started on my adulthood for about 3 months.. Started working full time, learning how to sustain on my own, how to stand on my own two feet. Cross roads, split seconds decisions which may actually affect the rest of my life.

So many people, trying to give you so many different advices.. At the same time, not everyone is advising you for your interests.. You never know when some of them have a stake in the entire issue.. Life no longer is one dimension, there are so many perspectives to it.

I was definitely not naive before this. However, having to deal with this day after day can be tiring. It is no longer listening to it on a narrative basis, instead, experiencing it first hand, dealing with it face to face. There is no pause button, and to seek for advice at that moment.

Then again, a wrong choice simply means you have to become wiser the next time; at the same time, a seemingly correct choice doesn't necessarily mean only good consequences flow from it.

It has only been three months. I always thought i belonged to the game, I was told I had the EQ to survive in the real world; the ability to connect with people. Having that alone is not enough. A little distrust can do some good. Some perseverance and determination.. The ability to pretend every thing is fine.

I never thought I am a principled person. but i find it hard to pretend to respect a person whom i've already lost my respect for.

I always thought I am very forgiving.. yet I realised i write people off with just one instance.

Everyday, I'm learning more and more about myself. Just three months, how much have i gathered?

There are so many things that are innate in me. There are so much more that I can learn. I have to tell myself there is no limit to how much i can learn.

Everyday it is a battle. Battle within myself. To do this or that? Is this me? or do I want to become like that? Will this route be the better option? Is it really better for me to change?

Morphing. Transforming. I know I am going through a state of change.

But is stronger necessarily means better? What is better? Better future? More lasting?

It is very easy to get lost out there. Not in terms of sexual morality.. But in terms of principles. Your set of principles is constantly being challenged. Your set of ideas is constantly being compared against others. When do you decide to discard one of yours in exchange for one of the norms? Should you be doing that in the first place?

在外面的花花世界，很容易迷失自己
要记住自己是谁，根本不简单。
要有一定的意志力和自信，
还要对自己的肯定。

Only one with a strong sense of security and assurance can breeze through that concrete jungle unscathed.

Now more than ever, I need constant self-reflection.. Now more than ever, I need to know what I want out of my life.

What better way to sit down and reflect on your life during a chinese new year long weekend?

This new year, there is so much to think about...

WR