Friday, September 28, 2007

"She wanted me to tell you that had love been enough, she will be right here with you..."
- Grey's Anatomy

Had love been enough... What would you have done differently in your life?

Had love been all that matters, would you still have chosen what you had?

Had love been the be all and end all...

Unfortunately, love isn't and i guess will never be.

Right now, there are more important things for me to do. Call me a coward, I don't have enough faith to take that leap. I tried, and all my worries are starting to materialise.

"You are complicated. And 'complicated' is not what i need in my life now."

I do not want to live in the shadow of your past. It might sound like an excuse for my lack of faith. But they are all factors. I do not want to sit at home, to have to be considerate and leave you alone on 'special days' and experiencing mixed feelings because of you.

I don't want to start thinking about what will happen if all you are looking for is an emotional support throughout this time of pain, difficulty. I do not want to have to worry about you realising I'm not the one but having to stay with me just because I saw you through this.
I do not want to think so much, because thinking so much just means that you are becoming important in my life. Because this means that I will be affected, it will be out of my control.

This is not what i need now.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

numbness :D
What you would term as weakness.

I cant feel my brain, i cannot feel my heart. I'm emotionless. This is the perfect state of mind that I'd love to achieve, for a very long time. This entry might not make sense to any of you out there, but i know very well what i'm saying to myself.

I had some to drink. I'm filling my ear drums with really good music. I just came home from mambo night. I ought to be sleeping now.

I have to record this before i ever forget about how i feel right now...

I feel numb.

Numbness in my skull, numbness in my heart.. Actually skull especially. I cannot feel anything. I am enjoying this high.. I hope i never have to feel anything in my heart. I hope i never have to remember anything. I wanna be filled up my the music. I want to absorb everything that i'm listening and forget about how i really feel. I wanna forget that i'm a person. I wanna stop feeling.

It is too hard. It is too difficult. I don't even care who is reading this anymore. I want to forget whatever that i see when i close my eyes.

I want to stop lying to myself.

The day that I got to know you, it is destined that i cannot lead my life like a normal twenty-two year old. I cannot.
I cannot remember how.
But i just am pushing myself to move forward.
To be different
To think differently from who i used to be
To be someone else
To grow up
So many times, i wanted to give up. I told myself i'm just a twenty-two year old. I can afford to be young. I can afford to be naive. I can afford to make mistakes. I can be me.

But i want to become you.
I want to be emotionless. I want to be objective. I want to be carefree. I don't wanna be hurt anymore. I don't want any more pain. I know i can make myself be together with someone else.

"love has its limits"

Love has its limits. Love is over-rated.

I am sorry. As much as you try to convince me. At this second, at this minute, at this hour, this me, this person just cannot relate to it. It IS over-rated.

I'm falling.

And this time, there's no one there to catch me. There is no one. Falling into this abyss. I cannot even turn to you. I tried my best to be there for everyone. I want to be perfect. I want to be everyone's pillar. but i find that i cannot even help myself at this moment.

I smiled.
I smiled at you
I smiled at her
I smiled at myself in the mirror
I looked into my eyes, i told the girl in the reflection, i am a strong girl. i will live through this. I will move on. I told them, and i told myself, i am not a least bit affected. I love myself too much to let this affect me.

I know that as much as this is difficult, there are some things that i cannot bring myself to do.
I know that once this is publish, many things will never be the same again.
I know that i am very much under the influence of alcohol.
I know that i cannot define this, and there is no need to.
I know that tomorrow morning, i'll very much regret this.

But you know what?
Do note that i'll never regret this.
Do note that i have never once, looked back and regretted what i have done, what i have told you.

So many things, so many images raced through my mind.
I just want to say that
I hate the way that i cannot hate you.
I hate the way that you can make me laugh
I hate the way that you can actually make me forget all those things that you have done/have not done.
I hate the way i cannot just turn around and walk away..
I hate the way that i can see you once i close my eyes as much as i try not to.
I hate the way I use you as motivation when i feel that i cannot move on anymore.
I hate the way you have so much effect on me..
I hate the way i'm so into you, even though you had not done anything.
I really hate you...

I simply hate the way that i'm actually feeling for you.

I hate it.

I am sorry. I am sincerely sorry to you who love me. I am not sure what will i feel when i wake up tomorrow but at this hour, my mind is filled with some one who shouldn't be there to begin with. I cannot explain. I cannot understand.

Right now. I am just Me. I want to be naive. I want to be Me. I want to be stubborn. I want to be emotional.

Leave me alone.


Regards,
Drunk Me

PS. WTF.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I need someone who can be the solution, who can work with me to achieve the solution. THe last thing that i need is any more problems :D
Obviously the big picture isn't my picture, but if you cannot solve your problems even, then there is nothing more to talk about.
Case closed.
objectivity-big picture-stay focus

Constant reflection, self-searching, seeking for the answers.

I want to stay on track... The picture is clear, I know my options. The emotions shouldn't and shall not cloud my judgment now.
I have never been clearer in my life. I wavered for a while. But upon reflection on the events that took place today, a particular event make it clearer than ever.
I will and shall stay focus. It is what that is required of me. I never should have let my resolve waver in the first place. But as shu she said, I still lack the experience. Even though the event today did not affect me, the meaning behind it and its implications i do not wish to be part of. Cause and effect, neither of which i wish to be part of.

I did not feel very strongly about the entire episode. Purely from a third party perspective, analyzing what had transcend. It is so clear from this perspective and I really can get used to being so objective about some things. To extract myself from the situation and think very rationally what has taken place, what are the implications and what role do i play in this...

At this point, I am not sure if i had really became a more rational person or I haven't completely allowed myself to get involved. I'd like to think it is the former. I really hope I will be able to deal with the other issues in my life the same way, distant and objective. Clear and purposeful. Near inhumane but yet, just trying to do the 'right' thing.

Cheers!

WR