Meditation

Been waking up early to practise meditation on the weekdays for 1 week. Less tension headaches and somewhat clearer head/thinking. Less prone to reacting and more in tune with my emotions.

Over time, she realised that she function perfectly without him. And he realised that he is no longer needed by her.

Two people who used to care for each other, become parallel lines because at some point, they stopped talking about nothing, they stopped doing silly things together, they stopped laughing at the same things.

Love, no doubt became kinship, it was also eroded, somewhat.

Is it that you love him no more? Or you are tired of the obligations in the institutions of marriage? Who is to expect you to continue to bear what you do not wish to bear any longer? 

Of life, relationship, communication, bad days that turned into bad weeks, that accumulated to bad experience.

How will you be better off?

感动

Precious afternoon pillow talk with my mother, woman who sacrificed herself for the family. 她的心甘情愿造就了我们，让我们有一个很好的成长环境，了解婚姻就是包容，互相扶持，没有谁比谁的地位高。一个家，就是两个人的努力，加上亲人的无限帮忙。我们的成绩，不止是我们的，我们的幸福是他们的努力和期待。我们每一个都要找到自己的幸福。

我的感触很深，做人子女的了解改变了。as a mother, it is an added perspective that I have never considered. That deep down in my mother's heart, our achievements, are hers. Her heart is contented that we live fulfilled lives. 

我今天真的被感动了，了解生命的意思。了解我努力的原因。那种无所为的日子，将会结束。

Nonchalant....

This shall pass too. One day I am here, maybe next day I will not be. No point to be/get so worked up over words. 

Fatalistic or pessimistic? Maybe. But also realistic. Otherwise you take on too much, you bring it upon yourself and eventually collapse under the weight of these baggages.

I am still capable of being/feeling happy. I laugh at jokes too. 

I am just more aware that life can change in a split second. Lives can perish and things change irreversibly. The awareness made me less caught up with other pples, words or POV that are not priority in my life/hierachy of importance.

可能是在放逐自己。。。

这样的感觉，有时很棒。

Taking time...

The two weeks have been challenging and eventful for me. On one hand, the events took my attention away from the loss, on the other, now that everything has settled, I return to deal with myself.

I thought a movie would have helped, one of the scenes reminded me of the feeling of loss. His loss drove him bury his humanity and kill lesser humans, those whom he deem, do not deserve to live. 

We learn from the episode and try to move on, at our own pace. No one should hurry me, I owe no explanation to any one. I sometimes think of the unborn child, nothing in particular, except that I once held it in my womb. It would be heartless to not even give it some time of my day, I feel. 

Sometimes I wonder if it had chosen to leave because I give so much attention to my first born.

Sometimes I wonder if, I am overcompensating on my firstborn because of the loss. 

Most of the time, I rationally remind myself that, devoting so much time to ponder isnt going to bring me/us any where... I look forward to the time i can start to exercise and correct any inherent issue before we can try again.

I look forward to becoming healthy again, a new-old me. 

I feel a pinch as I see people post photos with their newborns. It could have been me in Nov. I went through in my head, what could have gone wrong - diet, rest, myths, etc... A twitch in my abdomen reminded me of you. Although now there is no longer any trace of pregnancy left.

We will survive this and learn how to manage the loss, in our own ways. Seeing people lose their love ones will remind me of this, somewhat - it is a pain that everyone will, at some point, have to endure on his own, but it is a kind of pain that no one ought to have to go through. 

Through this, I learn to have compassion for the people who lose their love ones. 

We treasure each life that we come into contact with, do our best to enrich our lives and others. 

Love

Just like that, the journey ended at 13 weeks. I was informed that there is "something very odd" and my gynae delivered the bad news - There was no heartbeat detected. 

It was a routine check up after the cvs procedure, I thought I was there to collect the report. Something wasnt right when the picture of junior 2 hit the ultrasound screen. It was unusually peaceful.

After the initial scan, I cried incontrollably. Cannot described how I felt. Helpless? junior 2 was still so small, and there wasn't any sign.

At the second scan, I couldnt bear watching the screen. I remember the beautiful shape of its head, and the nice body. Head was nicely formed, really round. The first diagnosis of no heartbeat was confirmed.

Remaining time in the clinic was for me too grief, wait for TC and Er Jie to arrive. And for prof to explain what could have happened and what to do next. 

Seeing Lele lifted my spirits and reminded me that I needed to be present for this little girl. Seeing my mother reminded me that the last thing I need to do is to wallow in self pity, or to break my mother's heart. 

Sorry Junior 2 that we are not fated to meet and be family. As your mummy for 13 weeks, I will do my best to accumulate merits for you, in order for you to go a better realm. That's the only thing we can do for you and hope that all will turn out fine for you. Mummy and Daddy are grieving in our hearts, even though we looked like we are not. We will  remember you and keep you in our hearts. May you find peace and metta in your heart wherever you go.