looking back.

i have NOT been blogging. i wonder if it's cuz i'm lazy or perhaps.... i have nothing to say.

i will say this: it's been a lovely one year vacation at NIE. i will miss all the free time i've had. i will miss it very very much.

speaking of vacations, i'm sure glad i got to travel lots this year. Spain, Boracay, Bali, Bangkok, Krabi.... i'm lucky. i know.

and my travel buddies... most of whom i've never travelled with before. but i'm glad i have these people in my life. some who have been around forever, some whom i've only met this year. nonetheless, all made my 2013 even more memorable.

ah 2013. let's not cry cuz you are over. let's smile cuz you happened. :)


p.s. so i'm starting out as a teacher proper in less than a week's time. i wonder what's that gonna be like?

rambled at11:54 AM

this feeling

'tis a great feeling not to have to set a depressing 5.45am alarm before going to bed.

oh how i have missed this feeling.

'tis a great feeling to snuggle under the covers on a cold rainy morning while everyone else has to rush off to work.

oh how i have missed this feeling.

'tis a great feeling to be packing for a holiday and eagerly await a flight outta the country.

OH HOW I HAVE MISSED THIS FEELING.

rambled at5:23 PM

goodbye CSS

i had one final look at my headache class today.... and i felt nothing.

really.

i now know the meaning of "no love lost".

i guess the important thing i've learnt here is that i should never, ever aim to be a friend to them. i should always focus on being their "teacher" first. if we have the time and chemistry... then maybe we can be on friendlier terms. but honestly... what these ten weeks have shown is that friends should first be made in the staffroom, not the classroom. i may have very well quit if i hadn't had these people i could share my frustrations with cuz they knew EXACTLY what i was going thru. and they are the ones i will in contact with in time to come.

as for my other classes... i do like most of them but we just didn't get to spend that much time together to warrant an outpouring of affection either way so i'm like, meh.

ah well. i am looking forward to my final posting!

rambled at10:46 PM

August has never felt so long.

rambled at8:00 PM

nothing more, nothing less

so it's been a month since i stepped into practicum.

before the madness, my prayer was simple: whatever students come my way, so be it. just let me have good CTs.

and. well. God has a sense of humour.

i have the coolest, most helpful, most understanding CTs i could ever hope for.

i also have some of the nastiest, most obnoxious, most ill-disciplined students i have ever come across. yes yes there are the sweet ones... but dealing with the nonsense from the nasty ones is JUST.SO.DRAINING.

but it scares me. it scares me how self-absorbed some of these kids are. it scares me how disrespectful they can be. it scares me how crazy they have become. and it's not even the good kind of crazy. it's the loony-what-the-how-the-are-you-sure-they-did-that?! kind of crazy.

i've talked to my hod (who is really REALLY nice. and merciful.) since she takes the notorious-express-class-which-i-mistook-for-a-normal-tech-class, i asked her how she does it. she smiles and says, "honestly, there are days when you just want to walk away."

and suddenly i don't quite feel so alone anymore.

it's definitely been an eye-opening July.

rambled at10:32 PM

Viva España!

Spain blew me away. literally.

it exceeded every expectation that i had. the food, the people, the sights... it was brilliant. perhaps it's just this thing about singapore... our history and the culture just doesn't have quite the same depth. aside from the fact that we live practically on top of one another... when you go to a land a gazillion times bigger than this itsy-bitsy island, to be in all that space... it's an addictive feeling.

and honestly, the photos don't do justice to the place. you really need to BE THERE. in the end, the photos are really just little mementos for me to flip thru and recall the magic of the places i've been to. :)

i also appreciate the DIY-ness of a free and easy trip. it really makes you read up and research on stuff that you would otherwise take for granted. public transport in Madrid and Barcelona were pretty alright and it really gave the trip a whole new flavour as opposed to getting around on a tour bus, which i now conclude kinda creates an "aquarium effect" where all the fishes and sea creatures swim around you without you getting wet. same goes for food. i mean, how else can one experience what it is like to go to the tapas bar and just start ordering whatever. [speaking of aquariums, it rained while we went pinxtos-hopping in San Sebastian... i was running around on the streets and dodging from bar to bar in my poncho LOL]

so my new plan is Europe in the summer! the days are much longer so you can see more stuff and packing is lighter cuz you don't need all that thick winter clothing. :) although the flooding in central europe doesn't look too fun.... hmm.

and as a wise teacher-friend once said to me: "travel. travel every chance you get." heh. next summer.... southern Spain and Portugal?

p.s. i reckon i am the only girl (perhaps EVER) who goes to Spain and comes back with nothing from Zara. or Mango. or Bershka. or Loewe. or whatever. i did get bags from Zara and Bimba&Lola tho... even if they weren't for me. i did get a Spain jersey from Madrid and a Barcelona jersey from Camp Nou.... i guess it's just a matter of priorities eh? :)

rambled at10:00 PM

halfway point!

so that marks one semester at NIE. bye bye essays and pointless assignments! i mean, i'm all for getting paid for this "one year vacation".... but really. n i e teaches you n o t h i n g. :/

but i think i'm happiest at the fact that i will no longer have to participate in depressing early morning traffic jams on the PIE. :D

what i will be a little sad about is going to be not seeing my coursemates... esp my lit one. it's weird how we've only come to know each other somewhere in march but we've become quite close. and it's not just cuz we see each other 6 hours a week. but i guess due to the nature of the subject we teach... this is one class that is full of passion and fun and contemplation, one that is very much human. was it a coincidence that our school postings were released in the middle of our class? (ed's note: i'm pretty alright with mine... it could have been worse. :P ) it is just so rare to be in a class where everyone is on the same wavelength.

so yes. i'm gonna miss "our safe environment". :') there is a scheduled meet up just before term starts. we'll probably just sit around and hug each other and cry.

rambled at11:17 PM

hands all over

woah.

rambled at7:40 PM

haven't been blogging much

simply cuz i haven't had much to say. hard to imagine given my motor mouth but it's true. i realise when i am in large groups, i tend to drop back and observe.

anyway. it's the end of march. the weeks have gone by in typical student fashion - a timetable of lessons and a countdown of assignments. killer 8.30am to 6.30pm Thursdays and the occasional much-welcomed long weekend.... it's alright.

but let's talk about crazy weekends. i found myself in Adelaide for a grand total of.... two days. a frenzy of packing and a mad rush to the airport after lessons and errands... i must admit it's weird going to the airport and checking in by yourself. but it's really zippy. found myself with two seats (woohoo!) and tried to catch some Zzz's.... but the flight attendants woke us up at 3am to serve us breakfast. so we're there all bleary eyed and by the time i got out of Adelaide airport into the freezing cold i was ready for bed.

a 45-minute concussion on the apartment floor and it was time to get ready for Fel's convocation. we were running a little late and so the family decides to abandon the car and leave the parking to me. parking. in the city. does NOT exist. nonetheless after almost half an hour of driving in circles i finally found a space and raced towards the adelaide convention centre. i'm in a flowy-sleeves top and a skirt and heels and it is 19 degrees outside. NINETEEN! i'm at the traffic light. the wind decides to give a good ol' blow down the street. i start losing sensation beneath the waist. and of course, it starts to rain. (fast forward a few hours and Danny is all "it's not that cold what." uh huh. says the meathead in the jacket and jeans. -__- )

so i'm now spectacularly late. i march in the middle of the chancellor's address and i sit down. i wait for five months before Fel walked across the stage to receive her parchment. and then we waited summore till the end... and Fel decides she wants to take some formal photos. by this time my children had grown up and had children of their own.

so we do that. i'm actually very thankful that every single member of the family is there. :)))))

still, in typical Tan siblings' fashion, we don't do no formal shots without a twist. :D

and that was my first six hours in Adelaide. o_O

while waiting for dinnertime (yes. i don't even remember having lunch.), i decided to visit Uni Adelaide. it's strange how you go somewhere and memories just come rushing back. i thoroughly enjoyed studying here and i think it has played a big part in shaping the last six+ years of my life. wandering about a bit more and soon..... a gorgeous steak and brilliant desserts with friends and i'm all ready for bed.

we had to meet our relatives from Melb at the aiport and i decided to psycho mom into dropping by Harbourtown. i highly recommend speed-shopping. two tshirts and a pair of sneakers to give the retail therapy effect, sprinting to the exit to release endorphins.... and i was experiencing a strange sense of euphoria.

because it was my final day in Adelaide, i demanded we go to a wildlife park. i got my photo with a koala and i was quite happy. and wallabies are so cute.

we made it back to the city in time before Woolworths closed so i could stock up on chocolate and candyyyyy. ahhh i do miss grocery-shopping with Fel, to be honest. cuz she lets me buy all sorts of crap.

dinner of oysters (BEAUTIFUL. FRESH. OYSTERS.) and steak (LOVELY. SOFT. STEAK) and ice cream for dessert.... it's stuff like this that makes me wish i lived there. anyways it got dark way too soon and i had to pack for home. :(

you'd think that was the end of my story. it is, if you discount the fact that i was dropped off at the airport at 1030am when my flight was at 1pm cuz they wanted to go to church and i sat there with a big ol' chocolate crunch from Hudsons for like two hours. :/

or the fact that i ran across Sydney International Terminal to get two dozen Krispy Kremes and when the guy asked me what flavours i'd like, i told him: "surprise me."

or the fact that i touched down at Changi at 1040pm and took a taxi ride home that lasted a record-breaking SIX minutes. and then as the uncle drove off. i stood there wondering how on earth am i supposed to transport four pieces of luggage (including an 11-kg box) upstairs by myself. i did, in fact, do that. in one trip. and i felt like Hercules.

come Monday... it was a 1030am class for me.

i think that was about the craziest weekend i ever had.

rambled at8:33 PM

tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace

i've never been much of a crier. don't know why. but still.

CNY this year was very different from previous years.

mainly cuz amid the festivities, there was the dark cloud of cancer in the corner.

and well. it brings out the different side of people.

there are are few things more moving than...

... having my one-foot-in-the-door-of-dementia grandfather actually asking after my dad and whether he has taken his medication or not...

... hearing my illiterate aunt recite Psalm 23 in front of everybody after having her daughter recite it to her again and again and again...

... watching my 70+ year old grandmother hug her 50+ year old son and through teary eyes, telling him to take care...


got something in your eye?

rambled at11:50 AM

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."  ~ C. S. Lewis

do they have an expiration date? a use by date?

if it no longer gives value to survival... do we move on? or is there an invisible contract where we are obligated to love them till the end of time.

what do you do with them when you have grown out of them, like the clothes you wore when you were five?

rambled at3:03 PM

a month

life (once again) as a student. assignments and readings. -___-

ah well.

i abhor the commute. i absolutely ABHOR it.

i guess i'm glad for the time. get to sleep in some days. get to go out with energy to spare. get paid for all this.

i'm just thankful for the little things i've often taken for granted.

rambled at9:56 PM

itching something fierce

cuz i've got MAJOR insect bites. D:

and also cuz i actually managed to scratch a travel itch.

gotta love last-minute, excitement-filled, random-intense adventures like these. cuz very soon i won't have the chance to do stuff like this anymore. :(

trekking for hours (and one time in slippers no less), meeting baby birds and bats and spiders in caves, hauling yourself thru cracks and swimming in caves, kayaking down a river and navigating currents in beautiful rainforest and blue skies... it was awesome. Sarawak is a gorgeous place. we went to at least one waterfall for each day that we were there. my favourite one was the first one we went to.

and the food. oh the food. i'd fly there on a weekend to have the Kolo mee and Kuching laksa.

Borneo adventure. check. :)

some other things that happened this month:

3-6 December: Somewhere in Outer Space

of all the years that i have written scripts for puppets... this year's was definitely the hardest. the subject matter was abstract enough.. the chosen material was near impossible to dramatise. hopefully the kids got something out of it.  >.<

but it got me thinking on the importance of contextualizing biblical truths in our daily lives. theological discussions make for intellectual exchanges and all that, but what is most important is being able to relate to the Bible on a less nebulous level and eventually impact our lives. a Bible verse is not always a "do this"/"don't do that", but it definitely shapes our worldview and in turn, how we live.

10-14 December: Finding the I

something we ALL struggle with on a daily basis is that of identity. so what i liked about the theme for youth camp this year was that everyone, regardless of age, could relate to it. a lot of the focus was on application, whether action or worldview, so it gave me plenty to think about.

and games. :)

it's actually quite a challenge to keep a bunch of teens and young adults occupied for a few hours at a stretch. thankfully with a generous dollop of willingness to participate/make a complete fool of oneself, a bucketful of craziness and some music.... anything goes. :D

i'd like to think it went rather well.

24 December: GBM Christmas Service

i really enjoyed the presentations by the choir. the nativity skit was also nicely done. major props for the props. :P

as for my own playing.... new year resolution 2013: improve on the sax.

that is all.

rambled at11:03 PM

what a week we had Somewhere in Outer Space. :D

am still kinda recovering from it. i know i know. what to do. age is catching up... >.<

makes me wonder how long more i can do back-to-back camps.

but for now.

round two!!

BRING IT.

rambled at11:37 PM

it's official.

i have sold my soul.

here's the crazy juggling act i will undertake for the next four years.

oh yar and the teaching too. >.<

rambled at1:24 PM

the little things

it's the little things that i miss.

dad dropping me off.

his lunchtime and evening calls to mom. (like he does everyday for the past 20+ years they have been married.)

when we go out on weekends.

rambled at3:13 PM

death is a strange bedfellow.

rambled at9:48 PM

12 November - 16 November

all from a moment of madness.

which gave rise to many delightful, delicious moments of madness.

stories to tell for years to come.

i still can't believe it happened. >.<

rambled at9:44 PM

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.

hope is paralyzing.

doesn't help that everyone uses it so flippantly these days.

"I hope the exam will be easy."

"I hope I get the promotion."

"I hope we get the house."

"I hope the cancer goes away."

"let's hope for the best."

but. what if it doesn't happen?

what if you fail the exam, you get passed for the promotion, you don't get the house, the cancer is here to stay? and who really knows what "the best" is anyway?

then what.

so what.

hope is but a paltry blindfold we use to pretend things might go our way.

because who wants to admit to utter helplessness. the feeling that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the direction of the wind, to push the odds in your favour, to will something to happen. because really, we may write history books and front page headlines about ourselves and what we humans can do. but ultimately, when it comes to the things that really matter, we can do.... nothing.

that's why it is important, SO important, what my hope is in. or rather, WHO my hope is in.

verse after verse after verse in the Bible tells us of "hope in the Lord". never is it in humans, whether others or self. and there's a reason for that. hope needs to be in somethingone trustworthy, in somethingone sure, in somethingone immovable.

what is YOUR hope in?

Psalm 31:24
Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the Lord.

rambled at9:52 PM

"how are you?"

so i haven't been here for a while. not that i don't have anything to say. on the contrary, i have much to say. just not all of it fit for publishing on the world wide web. no. must filter. no good to wallow in emo. or cuss words.


"how are you?" i get asked that left right center. and frankly, it seems ridiculous to be asking that. how on EARTH do you think i'm feeling?! and even if i do answer that, SO WHAT. what can YOU do about it?

or even better. this one winner. "how's your dad?"

-_____-

WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK.

was there a national pandemic of Idiot-i-is recently? cuz i certainly did NOT get the memo.

or did we all just wake up as morons one day? GOOD MORONING EVERYBODY!!

but then i realise... it's their way of coping too. what more can they do? this is it. utter helplessness. there is absolutely nothing we can do except pray and show care and concern.


someone asked me today: "how is your father?" guess who. "he is recuperating well?"

little Josh. i guess it's something when even a 10-year-old boy reaches out to you. i smiled. and a warm fuzziness tingled within.

so it's ok. you may enquire. and i'll accept it with gratitude. cuz i truly am grateful that there are people who care.

p.s. continue checking in every once in a while. writing is my way of coping. just don't expect "model answers". cuz i'm done with that. this is/will be me wrestling with reality, with truth, with the humanity of my conflict within.

rambled at10:04 PM

a juxtaposition of life and death

with each birthday greeting today, my dad's fever worsened.

in this celebration of life, there is also the confrontation and constant reminder of death.


if this is an indication whatsover, i could very well be having a mid-life crisis right now.

cancer isn't just a physical affliction. above and beyond that, it is spiritual warfare. it is a demonic assault. a constant battle between God's truth and deceit the devil whispers in your ears ever so often. and due to the nature of the disease, you can't eliminate it. you need to learn to live with it.

nonetheless. the presence of friends has been something precious to hold on to even as i struggle to keep my sanity. so a big thank you for all the birthday love. the thoughts, wishes and gifts are truly appreciated.

rambled at11:48 PM

things change.

i haven't had dreams in a while now. my nights used to be (for lack of a better word) magical. i'd dive into all sorts of weird and fantastical dreams. and i'd often wake up with a smile. one that's quickly erased by the realization that i have to go to work but still. those glorious few seconds where my dream replays in my head... i don't know anyone else who has that.

but over the past few weeks, i feel like all i do is close my eyes and everything goes dark for about five seconds before my alarm sounds. and i'm in such a state of perpetual exhaustion that it takes me almost a half hour before i actually leave the bed.

oh well.

things have changed.

i used to dream at night.

i used to like October.

rambled at11:03 PM

every time.

my heart still skips a beat.

rambled at10:57 PM

what a difference a week makes.

rambled at11:49 PM

life in a concrete jungle

one thing i've come to appreciate about my mornings is the drive to work along the ECP. ok it took a while cuz  normally i'm in a semi-coma when my dad is driving. but recently I got to take the car and all of a sudden, it's like gaining a new set of eyes. there are few sights prettier than a blue sky drizzled in orange red yellow with a smattering of clouds. and the great thing is that being so near ECP is the lack of buildings, giving a nice unobstructed view of sky. a precious sight indeed in this concrete jungle.

oh and the drive home. especially if i get out at 2-ish. the roads are relatively empty and i can be home in 10 minutes.

so. much. win.

rambled at4:48 PM

you are startin' to look mighty fine

LOVE the concept here!

 

rambled at11:26 PM

a glimpse of paradise

Railay was unreal. the beauty is hard to capture in photos and near impossible in words. you had to be there.

there, in the ocean. floating on your back. gazing at the spectacular cliffs and rocks and foliage. marvelling at the sky. as the waves gently rock you along, everything else fades away until you are left with the therapeutic sound of your own breathing.

there, on the back of an elephant. going up and down slopes of varying steepness. wondering how on earth you came to be riding on the back of such a beautiful and majestic animal. have you ever seen an elephant <i>kneel</i> to go down a small drop where people could easily hop off? it's the cutest thing.

there, at the base of a huge waterfall. white froth thundering down with such great ferocity you can barely keep your eyes open. but the sheer power of the water is mesmerizing. it is awe-inspiring. it is terrifying. it reminds you of your own human fragility.

there, in a wooden boat in a brewing storm at sea. in a race against time, you go full throttle while watching the sheets of rain enveloping the mountains get whiter and whiter. the cold wind whips your hair and stings your back. to top it all off, due to the great distance brought on by the low tide, you get to shore aboard a great blue tractor packed with other equally soaked passengers.

there, swimming towards an island. at some point, it's as if you are swimming on the spot. but once behind the big rock obscuring your view, your jaw drops as you are greeted by what seems to be the entrance to Pandora. a neat cascade of rocks with lush greenery. and a bright blue bird choosing at that instance to dart across. picture perfect.

there, paddling a kayak out in the sea and going around what can only be described as a movie set from a fantasy epic. beautiful, beautiful rock formations. you half-expect dragons to start flying out of the caves. and then it starts to rain. and the sea starts to get a little choppy. your heart races and you quickly turn towards shore and start paddling as if possessed.

i'm glad i got some good photos. it helps convince me that the trip actually took place and it wasn't just a dream.

and you know what really struck me throughout this trip? exactly one year ago, the four of us hadn't even met. in fact, this trip was the first time i met one of them. i mean, i have friends whom i've known for more than a decade and we've never even been to Sentosa together. and yet there the four of us were: relaxing at the beach, chilling in the pool, eating breakfast lunch dinner together for almost four days straight. and we all had a brilliant time.

who knows if we will still be in touch a year from now. or two. or ten. i mean, i don't work with any of them anymore. and two of them are Americans and we all know how LDRs go. :P but if it is one thing living overseas taught me, it is that when you have the right people, the right time and the right place... it is all there to be embraced, savoured and treasured. :)))

rambled at11:10 AM

i'm singing a different school anthem now.

feels.... funny.

rambled at11:13 PM

thanks for the second education, ACJC

it's almost frightening how fast the past seven months have zoomed by. and in that, hundreds of hours of talking. HOURS AND HOURS of marking. 140 students.

140 personalities. 140 combinations of quirks. some more challenging than others. all great fun.

i feel like i've grown so much as a person. no doubt there were many instances of head-banging frustration. but there were also so many moments of pure enjoyment of what i was doing, in what we were doing. where we were totally in sync and having a blast.

and i'd rather focus on that, thankyouverymuch.

no wonder they say teaching is not just any job. it is a calling.

so thanks for the second education, ACJC. i think i learnt a lot more than the first time round. >.<

till we meet again. :)

rambled at10:57 PM

and what have YOU been up to?


the month of june zoomed by without much fanfare. i was so exhausted from term that the first week was really spent doing much of nothing. roll on week two and it was mostly the finalizing of the term exam [a painful painful process that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy]. week three highlights were Van-goes-deaf-at-USS and june camp. and then boom! term reopens.

and then bam! it's july.

though there's not much to complain about in this first week of term. the kids were having exams and so it was pretty relaxed. but it's 67 First Dates tmr so woohoo for me. a colleague commented that this week would be where the fact that i'm taking a different bunch of students sinks in. let's hope i will be able to keep my withdrawal symptoms to a minimum. >.<

and thankfully i cleared my essay marking. *whew*

some thoughts on june camp:
as time goes by, camp takes on a different meaning and i find myself connecting differently. have my expectations changed? i don't know. sure it's fun to hang out with friends and play games... having a fantastic speaker didn't hurt either. but we're all changing (as a church and as people) and things are different now. and i'd like to think it's for the better.

rambled at2:53 PM