Balloony deflated again, so I’m left to sit through the night with my new book on I-TOE (Expanded into Integral Theory of Everything). Somehow fate has a way of putting new purpose into my life every time I hit a seemingly dead end, and this is both comforting and disturbing.

Though I have barely started on the book, I am beginning to understand the sheer insanity of actually trying to conceptualize a genuine TOE. In fact, perhaps theory alone is not enough, but rather, we need an infallible law that governs everything, and not a theory that leaves room for error and future problems.

I have also come to realize this is almost precisely the root of my lifelong ambitions. Being the control-freak of a Scorpio, perhaps it is in my very blood to achieve the pinnacle of control. A pinnacle I have tried by means of enterprise, the military, spiritual studies and meditation, shit loads of reading and in the end, here I am, finally arriving at the last stone of the steps.

The pinnacle of control is the absolute eradication of randomness, which can be achieved only by discovering that one law that governs everything. While no human soul has gone even close to sniffing out the possible existence of such a law, we can probably agree that the law would need to adhere to certain pre-requisites for it to be deemed the LOE.

1) Eradicating Random Phenomena

A law that understands and governs everything should eradicate all randomness, and have them translated into calculated possibilities. I would even go further to say that it should, being all encompassing, eradicate the possibility of future randomness (this is the almost impossible part).

2) Looping Cause and Effect

While most scientists would argue that an absolute TOE should be the end of cause of everything else, and in the mapping of the equation not re-create itself, I beg to differ. I believe a complete TOE should take into account both ends of the equals sign, and not be just an expression. A spiral would be insufficient, neither would a mobius strip. Nevertheless, it should be looping because we have to account for “eternity”. This is not time-based, by the way.

3) Observable and Applicable in a Singular Fashion

A law would be useless if we would need observers at every end of the universe to watch over everything in order to accurate predict something. The law must therefore, be simple enough to include, generically, only few variables into it string of calculations to process the future possibility.

This seemingly inconsequential pre-requisite is expressed to allow practical usage amongst us sentient beings, who unlike ants, do not function under an overlord brain, but run on individual minds.

I have also pretty much some to terms with the fact that life will be quite unpredictable henceforth, should I choose to fervently pursue this end. It also makes me wonder whether in doing so, I am performing an act of free will, or whether I am merely acting out the play under the strings of fate.

This will be a lonely and demoralizing journey, considering I’m not even trying to walk through a tunnel, but digging one in a direction I have no certainty of seeing light. And even in the face of such adversity, I am probably insane enough to carry on.

If this is the root of my lifelong obsession, I see no reason to abort the mission. In fact, the total uncertainty that awaits is something to be enjoyed. Then again, should I, under the rarest of possibilities actually arrive at the destination, I would probably find the universe a cold place detached from meaning and purpose.

Perhaps, in the end, we all become the monster with no name, or the monkey that was man.

The team that made it happen

The AV champions!

Sneaking around the sound system before GOH arrives

The last three weeks have been a really hectic time, trying to pool together the ever-expanding list of Confluence requirements. Well, it was fun and perhaps irritating at times, but at the end of it all the event was a definite success and everyone who participated, including the troublesome Tree-Planters, was pleased with the provisions.

I have too many people to thank for making this event possible, and working through tireless hours and ridiculously short timelines to deliver the end product. My suppliers, colleagues, partner, friends and even the clients, who were really understanding, deserve my most heartfelt thanks.

I was really looking forward to a short break, maybe a trip to somewhere temperate after the event. Alas, that was not to be, not just because of the queue of other jobs in line, but also due to the fact that the joyous mood was somehow never there to greet me at the end of the tunnel.

No doubt I have made great friends in the process of getting Confluence up, friends and possibly future comrades whom I believe I can count on to make things happen. Some companies have also expressed their interest in furthering a business relationship, which is supposedly a good take home.

Oddly, I am not the least bit happy that it is over. Neither the success of the event or the great feedback was of consolation. In the end, I feel as empty as before, as I know that when mapped unto the greatest visual perception, I have not achieved anything at all. In fact, such events merely serve to push humanity further down the path of Darwin’s Nightmare.

Anyways, I will be taking a break for the next few days, at least to physically recuperate.

I have realized, and perhaps in a hard way, how the capability of a person cannot be judged till they are really put through the crunch of things. Exquisite demeanor, verbal gymnastics and a small dose of charisma can get you in someone’s good books, but it says nothing on how dependable you are till you actually face crisis at point blank.

Here, you will see most people flee, desperately trying to point their fingers at others to place themselves in better moral light, some will tremble while keeping their righteous integrity, and only few, very very few, will, actually step forth to conquer the trials and tribulations.

And this step forth, this is the step that separates the strong from the weak, the leaders from the followers, the lions from the swine. Recently, I have come across too many of such snout-face creatures, fervently attempting to create a clone image of the majestic lions, an image too large for them to don.

And so, what happens when your clothes get too large? You become a clown, and quite an amusing one too!

What do you do when you first hatch a cool idea?

1) You will be momentarily elated with the knowledge of your own genius and the pleasure of conceiving brilliance.

2) You will then think, it’s a cool idea, probably really profitable. Now if it is a million dollar idea, it would probably take a million pounds of effort to achieve, not to mention the fact that solidifying the idea would take more than the capacity of one brain…

And so you may think…

I cannot be more puzzled by the fact that we humans really love to complicate matters. Scholars and thinkers probably find a great deal of self worth in an expression that only they can understand. And since only they can understand, the rest who don’t must be dumber, and should thus pay reverence to the great mind of Confucius, or was it Confusion?

Sometimes I feel there is a whole lot of truth in the statement “It is all in the Mind”. If we think something has to be complicated, we inevitably end up complicating the process of obtaining it, probable stuck halfway through, and either give up or continue in that complicated mess until we eventually find a way out. We then dub this form of effort as perseverance, one of the highest degrees of human character.

Let me try to simply things a little, into 4 simple steps perhaps:

1) We come up with a new idea.

2) We decide to do it.

3) We put it to action, and for parts of it we cannot complete, there will always be another soul out there with the adequate skill to do it.

4) If it fails, too bad.

See, it wasn’t so hard. Simple thought, simple action and there’s no need to blame yourself if it fails, because truly nothing is lost.

I think this also explains my ever decreasing IQ. I believe IQ is really a quantifying tool for how complicated a person’s thought process is. My IQ dropped from 144 to 130 to 115 in 3 months. I think it will eventually become 0, and perhaps then, I can have the same efficiency of thought and communication as ants!

When the Mad Arab penned his last words on the black book of the Necronomicon, he claimed to have seen a thousand moons, faced the gods and goddesses and traveled the fiery earth of hell. Is it such a claim that made this man mad, or was he mad BECAUSE he made this claim? You are the judge, you are your judge.

Having lived through the last few months, I can only conclude that I have pretty much come to that same stage of insanity. Beneath fine quilt curtains, behind the peaceful façade, there is nothing; nothing to justify everything. The light of purpose lost to the pitch black space of the ever-expanding cosmos.

In this darkness, in a space without light which then cannot be considered space, I make my claim to madness:

I have lived a thousand years , if not more. I have seen the sun, the moon, the galaxy, the future and the past, but not the centre of the earth.

I have read and tread every possible path of existence, in search of a purpose that cannot be answered because to answer it is to deny the very purpose of existence.

I have honed every skill, every face of human intelligence mapped through our history of evolution, revolution and civilization. I have learnt all that I fancied, and some that I have not.

I have explored every spiritual, philosophical and scientific path of enlightenment, only to realize that light is but an illusion thrust into my digestion system, forcefully devoured to which without we somehow wouldn’t even know of our existence.

I have altered my consciousness to feel and think, in absolutely different realities from the one we seem to commonly share. I have seen under the 5th dimension of measurement, the possibilities beyond the 3% of my conscious making.

I have seen the absolute truth behind human, if not worldly suffering. The blatantly wrong path of evolution we have taken and now refuse of accept as a mistake. We view but do not see the totally illogical dispersion of wealth and value, and the utter foolishness of our own inept species.

I have seen everything a human being, with his five senses, 7 Chakras and supposedly dormant, now awakened pineal glands can possibly see. I have reached the dead end of knowledge and wisdom, beyond which all I can conceive with my bare eyes is a treadmill, upon which I am supposed to live out the rest of my life.

Likened to a student, I have passed my examinations, every single paper offered, but I am not allowed to progress further. I can visit the library, or do whatever I like during recess and breaks, but not a single article of knowledge available will reach beyond what I already know and have.

My only consolation, if any, would be the insurmountable task of fixing that one problem we denounce, with one willing soul as my comrade and an enemy in the billions. The tricky part is, I am their enemy but they are not mine.

With all this, I believe I am truly mad.