Precursor to entering this course, I have done some simple reading at a personal level to have a better understanding of the Enneagram, the 9 types and the variants revolving around the system. Much of my mental focus during this period was placed on the application of this system at a very elementary level. Inevitably, I feel into the common trap of using this as a stereotyping tool, how shallow indeed.

This trip also started on a pretty bad note, with thunderstorms, resultant flight delays and getting all lost in the City if New York. In addition to these factors, my personal health and emotional wellbeing was at a low as well. A bumpy ride coupled with fever and numerous concerns over my various engagements all came together to put me in a very bad state to start off.

However, upon arrival at the barn, the entire atmosphere of the place embraced my being in a way words could not describe. My intuition told me immediately there was something special about this place, and true enough, once we stepped into the premises, the calmness and spiritual aura of the place immediately acted as a strong calming factor to my otherwise rampant mind.

On the first official day of the course, within the first hour, I was immediately swept off my feet. All underlying expectations were exceed, and what was presented largely differentiated from my mental picture of an academic and lecture-based approach.

The course was made up of a constant grounding exercise, spiritual hums, uplifting exercises, detailed discussions on the Enneagram types and the variations of each at different levels, plus a panel for each type that puts us in direct perspective of the type.

The warmth and human compassion was nothing more than miraculous. For the first time in a long long time, I saw people as people again, and not just objects, numbers and resource that were tools for the achievement of my purposes.

Through and through, I came to understand and accept the difference in people, and gained a much greater insight to why people behave in ways that seemingly antagonize those around them.

Self reflection also played a major role in the process, as I looked within to behold my own fears and weaknesses, and come to the ability of embracing these frightening elements of my life.

As a type 8 with a 7 wing, I have lived the most part of my life in the intense pursuit of control, and my only means of identifying with things is through exerting control (often unnecessary), on both people and things. My mantra throughout was – “If I do not have power over these elements, my very existence would be threatened”.

Tracing all the way back to our childhood origins, I came to face the helpless child within me, desperately seeking to find a place in what I perceived to be a cruel and unfeeling world. I shut off my emotions, while relying purely on my gut and head to function. Obviously, the head and gut were never aligned as the bridge between them (the heart center), was highly malfunctioning.

I often wondered why, as a Scorpio, that I could be so easy with relationships, and that no matter how much the other gave, there seemed to be no end to my hunger for lust. Perhaps, throughout my life, I have never understood fully what love meant, and therefore I deprived myself of it from the outside, while starving so much on the inside that I ended up having none to offer.

My identifying with the Type 8 personality also revealed how foolish many of my endeavours were. Whenever I slipped down the levels into the unhealthy region, whether through real or perceived threat, my immediate action would be to gather more resources (in fear of not being able to control my environment), and plus acting on my seven wing, try out new means, while not persevering enough on my current projects.

The wisdom shared during the course made me face up to the truth, that nothing I did or would do could ever put me in a position of total control. It also redefined the word “courage” in my mental dictionary, and what seemed like my “No Fear” definition of myself cringed in cowardice in the face of the all penetrating truth.

I have come to learn (and will continue learning through more experiences), that true courage arises when we are able to face our demons within, and embrace the real truth of our human self and helplessness in the world. This is the gut.

True love has always been there, as the universe sheds its kindness on man, and that we are supported in so many ways in our lives we simply take them for granted, while our ego self goes on propagating the message that we are alone and forsaken. It is only when we open our hearts to see and accept the truth, that we come to understand how interdependent we are on each other, and our environment, and that we cannot, and have never been separated from others. This is the heart.

And finally, building upon the gut and heart, the head comes in as the bridge between the universal, cosmic intelligence, and our being and actions. True knowledge is not in perceiving, but in knowing, and the knowledge has always been there, in the presence of every moment that we live. Blinded again by our egos, we see only what we want to see, therefore recording in our minds an incomplete, biased picture of the whole truth. By clearing our minds of pre-conceived notions, we make way for clarity to occur.

At the end of the day, applying this to our everyday lives, we would probably find it best to process the truth with our head, check in with our gut and intuition, and finally, make a decision that comes from the heart.

The wisdom to the Enneagram and its teachers (Don and Russ), as well as the wonderful world I live in continues to amaze me every day. While the course has come to an end, my path of personal awakening has only just begun.

I hereby express my gratitude to those who have come into my life, in which way and form, for you all have been the sum of my experiences to carve the person I am today.

Henceforth, I bow in humility to the truth, and shall live each breathing day in adherence to its boundaries, while liberating myself of my own. My greatest fears have only just surfaced, and it will be a lifetime’s work to come to terms with it. Only then, perhaps, am I in the fitting position to help others along the way of life.

I have never seen such a fucking stupid person in my entire life! Why do you have to lie about something that is totally harmless, thereby create unnecessary distrust between people, at this critical point where trust is everything we bloody care about?

You may have lived your goddamn life a failure, and have numerous secrets to hide, but please do NOT bloody bring your own fucking attitude to work, less your petty perceptions about how the world should work!

You have achieved NOTHING in your entire 35 years of life, with your only way of comforting your terrible failures as one of lowering your own standards and expectations. You have no right to decide of pass judgment on strategic issues, because your brain is too tiny and perspective to myopic to digest the big picture.

Whether intentionally or not, you have forced me into a situation which I totally have no obligation to play by, and have fucked up everything not achieved by a single ounce of your effort. No matter the outcome of this episode, I guarantee the rest of your life will be spent in utter miserly, with nothing going your way and every fruit of your labour robbed and distributed to people you deem most undeserving.

You have dug your own grave, and now it will be my job to put you where you finally belong.

Nemo Me Impune Lacassit!

Been a long time since I have posted something in English. Guess I shouldn’t be focusing too much on one language less I totally lost touch with the other.

I guess “busy” has already become a norm in my life, waking up, getting to work on the many things I have poked my nose into, and getting back to bed at the end of the day. If there is anything about me that has grown, I believe that would be my efficiency and work capacity, which has reached a whole new level even the old me would marvel at.

It is not that I don’t feel tired or worn out after running a marathon at the speed of a sprint, but I guess my “muscles” have grown so used to it I find little meaning in feeling tired or speaking too much about it.

I guess life is still not too bad, although yes there are numerous problems to be faced with every day. What irks me a little more is the people here, for I guess I am perhaps really just a simple minded fella, and I really do not like to act of politics in social situations. I can play along, and have gotten a little better at it since so forced by the situation. However, I still do not enjoy it one bit.

I guess I have become a little indifferent towards the physical attraction between genders. I wonder why? Am I becoming like a friend of mine too? Maybe one fine day I will become a monk!