Views, Frustrations, and Love!!

It's interesting as a foster parent how different our perspective is on the goings on of certain issues pertaining to the children of our world. This experience has certainly given us a chance to help improve the lives of the children in our home and the added bonus is that we also get to take on all the issues that their previous environment has given them. While for some of them, the issues have been minor in comparison to others, it is mind numbingly hard to deal with all the long term problems that take so much out of you and the person you are, that at times it seems it is in vain and you lose sight of your purpose. Now, I realize that I signed up for this in the hopes that my family would come about through this process, it was also initially a huge let down to not have the 'perfect' family and the ideal family I had always envisioned having. That being said, it is worth all the crap we have to go through because we KNOW that these kids are meant to be with our family forever and that is the reason we go through all that we have and are going through.

The interesting thing is now trying to look at it from an outsiders perspective. I thought everyone would feel like we are doing a good thing and we are being fine upstanding citizens of our community that open our lives and home and take on this HUGE responsibility. But it is painfully obvious that even people the closest to me, who should know better, sometimes don't see it that way. Some feel we are in it for the money, and to that I say, "Ha, ha, ha!!! I would love to see anyone raise a child and actually have a small fraction of the expenses fit within what we are 'paid'." First of all, we didn't know we were 'paid' for being foster parents when we signed up. We honestly and truly just wanted to have kids in our home and even if they didn't stay forever, to know we helped where and when we were needed. We are fortunate that the kids we have in our home currently, were only our second placement and we going to be able to adopt them. Normally people have to go through years of heart ache and several placements to be where we are. The payment we value is seeing the difference we are making in these kid's lives.

Another thing that has recently been voiced, is the thought that we are 'taking' the children away from their parents and how unfair and painful that is for the parents. While I truly and honestly feel sorry for them because I can't imagine having my children taken from me and how painful it would be, I disagree that is unfair. For those parents who have children come into the system and work hard, and and make life changes, those are parents who deserve to have their children returned to them and celebrate their love and commitment to their children. On the other hand, there are those who lack the ability, whether mentally or physically, to take care of and provide a safe and loving environment for their children. Unfortunately, this is the most common situation that is encountered.

I am very passionate about taking care of children in need and I guess it really gets me going when people see the unfairness for the parents who aren't deserving of these wonderful children. I know I am far from perfect, but I try to do the best I can. Please everyone, realize the what the majority of the foster parents are in it for, the children. I know there are some who are in it for the money and I don't know how they can. It's not a lot of money...honestly!!

I am so grateful for the support that I have in the friends and family that understand what we are trying to do and love us for it. It is hard, and I know there are some who say they could never do it. It takes a certain tolerance and there are some times that even I am lacking.

I do feel sorry for the family of our beautiful children that we have in our custody. Despite repeated attempts to help them correct their behavior and lifestyle, they are not willing to leave all people and places behind, and are so entrenched in it, that even with the help they have received, they can't see their way out. It is sad, but in the end, it is what ended up building our family and I am grateful for that.

The first moment that I saw R, I recognized him and I knew I had never seen him before and I felt very strongly that these children were meant to be a part of our family. It is not easy, it is so hard most days that I wonder if we made the right decision, but in the end and when the turmoil of the moment is over, we see the clear path for us and understand where the doubt is coming from.

Thank you for listening to my random rantings and feelings. I love you all for loving me for who I am, and what my potential is.

Life Changes- sad post

Well I am telling you right now, this post is not going to be an upbeat one. Today was a very sad day for our family. Some of you know because you are also friends with me on Facebook, but we had to put Sage, our mild mannered, beautiful, friend and companion, to sleep today. It has been the second hardest day in my life so far, the first of which being the day my babies were born.

I remember the day Sage came to us. We were so worried about her getting into things since she was just a puppy and the only thing we had was a borrowed circular pillow that she only fit in for about 2 weeks, that Chris actually spent the night downstairs with her. I have a picture of this but it was before digital photos so I need to scan it. She was such a beautiful and friendly dog. It was always funny to hear people react to us saying that we had a Weimarainer. They would talk about how hyper and horrible they are as dogs, but not our Sage. We joke that she was more human than dog most of the time. She loved spending time with us and we loved her every minute. Well, I guess not every minute. There was a time that she sneaked upstairs and was in the room my sister was sleeping in and scared her to death, and when she came downstairs to leave for work, Sage had torn apart her pillow and strewn it throughout the house, chewed up some pictures left on the coffee table and eaten Chris' pager from Search and Rescue, an expensive replacement. We have pictures of this too, just not digital.

But in spite of some of the crazy times, she was a great dog. She loved running errands with me and would always sit in the passenger seat. Occasionally she would look over like she was asking, "Where are we going?" and she would sniff the vents to see if she could tell by the outside air coming in. All we ever had to say was, "Do you want to go for a ride?" and she would be on her feet running for the door. One of my favorite things she would do while riding with me on errands, was she would lean over and rest her head on my shoulder or lap and just be with me. She loved to snuggle and I wished I could have done it more, but I have severe allergies to dogs, I always broke out in hives when I let her touch my skin.


She loved going to the park and running. For several years Chris and I would go over and walk after 10 pm and take her with us. She was such a good dog, that we could let her off her leash and she would just run around by us. She never liked to be out of our sight which is opposite of our other dog.

The time I will always love her for, was the time that I was in the hospital with the triplets. That was so hard not seeing her since I was there for 10 days. The nurses kept asking how big of a dog she was so they could sneak her in to see me, but there is not sneaking Sage. She's a big dog. I missed her so much I would cry on the phone and Chris would try and get her to bark or sing or make any noise on the phone so I could hear her. He would put me on speaker phone so I could talk to her and he said she would run around looking for me. When I came home empty handed, she was there to comfort me. I'm not sure if she knew what went on, but she knew I needed someone. She would not leave my side and it was such a comforting thing. Even today as I was talking to a friend and crying over this difficult decision that we had to make, she got up and came over and sat by my feet and tried to comfort me even though she could barely move.

You couldn't ask for a better dog than Sage. Most people that met her were very complimentary of her. She really was an angel on Earth for our family.

She was injured a little over a year ago while running up and down the stairs in our home. We don't know if she tripped on her own foot or Koda's, but she ended up have radial damage in her shoulder. We took her to the vet and they said it was probably repairable but there was no guarantee and it was really expensive since we would have to see a specialist. They told us she could still have many good months to years even with the dead leg so we decided to watch and see. She did fine until a few months ago when I noticed she started really seeming worn out. She had a sore that she had chewed on her leg and it was always clean and looked OK, so we just watched it. Eventually she left it alone and it healed. She had chewed another spot on her paw and she was always liking it and keeping it cleaned as well.

This week she chewed it pretty far and it became infected. So bad that yesterday, Wednesday, her foot and leg were swollen with infection. I had been putting off the decision to put her down, but Chris had wanted to do it a while ago. I was just selfish and wanted her here. Every time I thought about it, I would cry and cry and cry. So I ended up deciding that it was time. That decision was soooooo hard to make. I love this sweet girl like she is my child because she has been all these years. She took the place of kids in my life since I didn't have any. I went with Chris even though he didn't think it was a good idea. It was really hard to be there, but it was almost like she was excited to go. I haven't seen her that mobile in a while. Again, she wouldn't leave my side. I had to sit at the top of the blanket and coax her into laying down. It was the hardest thing to watch, and I will forever be impacted by that moment. Chris and I both bawled like babies during the whole thing. In fact, I don't think I have really stopped crying since I decided it was time. We took her and buried her on the farm that my family lives on so I am glad that I know where she is and that I can visit her if I need to.

Now comes another hard part, learning to be without her. I am going to miss her every day from here on out and I don't know how I am going to get over the pain of losing her, although I know it's possible. Right now it doesn't feel real. It just feels like she is at the vet, or something. It has also impacted my little foster son, even though we tried to talk with him about it before hand. He keeps asking where she is. We also have our other dog that is struggling already. I got home from shopping and when I came in, he was waiting at the door to the garage. So I opened the door and let him go out and look around. He kept standing up to see in the car, so I opened the door and let him jump in to investigate. I knew exactly what he was doing the minute I walked in. He was looking for Sage. Broke my heart more to see that.

I hate thinking about what happened, but I know that it was the right thing, and that she is happy. I love you, Sage and I hope you know that we did this for your happiness and that I hope you are enjoying your perfect body and playing with my boys. You are everything to me and I will never forget you. You will always be with me in my heart.

Experiences, experiences!!!

A lot of you are friends with me on Facebook which gets updated a lot more than this blog, obviously, so most of you know what things have been going on in our lives. My last post was talking about our cute little foster son that we had starting in December of last year. We loved that little guy so much and so it was so hard for us to say goodbye to him at the first part of March as he went home to his parents. They worked so hard to get him back and we were happy to help them while they worked on their issues. We kept in contract and actually got to have him quite a bit after he went home, so it helped soothe the heart a little.

We had a birthmom that we met with also at the beginning of March and she was intent on us for her baby. We kept up writing emails back and forth for several months and while it felt comfortable to us to continue forward, part of what we felt was that we were only there to help her through some tough times. In the long run she ended up letting go of us. I'm not sure if she decided to parent or if she actually placed.with another couple. It was hard because we has fostered this relationship with her and then to not be chosen was hard. Luckily, or maybe not so luckily, we are used to dissappointment so we bounced back to our feet.

Then we got a call from DCFS a few short weeks later and had a case presented to us. We were notified up front that this was going to be a difficult case because it involved a 2 yr old boy and twin 8 month olds (a boy and a girl). We thought hard about it and figured why not? We were ready for three 6 yrs ago, might as well. The only hiccup was that I was an assistant at girls camp and would be leaving after only having them for 2 weeks. There was no way Chris could handle it by himself for 4 days. So we arranged to have them go to another foster family during that time.

Needless to say it has turned our world upside down!!! In a positive way for the most part. It has been hard not to be able to just go out with Chris and it is an awful lot to ask of someone to take your 3 kids, including 2 babies, while we go out. If I get a babysitter, I would have to get 2 and then that is way expensive!! So our home is crazy and chaotic almost all day long. So differed than a few months ago. They are all cute kids and have so much personality already. They all have dimples and love to show them off!! I can't post pictures until they are ours, so for now, you just have to imagine. :)

But things are looking good for us and it looks like we may get to keep them!! Fingers crossed!!!! There is, of course, no guarantee until things are said and done which we will know more about as of November 16th.

So for now, keep is in your prayers and pray these cute kids can stay and be part of our forever family!! I'll try my best to keep you all updated!! Love!!

Wow, it's been a while (long post)

A lot has happened since I last posted almost a year ago. Chris and I decided to become foster parents. Chris has always been willing to do whatever we need in order to have children in our home, I have always hesitated because I really want to have our children, but I finally just got so sick and tired if not having children in our home that I contact DCFS to get info on foster care.

It happened fast after we made the decision. We had classes that we had to go to and after we completed that process along with a homestudy and background check, we became licensed. They originally said that I could work and still be a foster mom but Chris and I felt strongly that I needed to be home. We discussed it one night and decided it was best and Chris wanted me to give my notice the next day. Wow, what a big step!!! I had worked at Deseret Mutual for almost 12 years!! It was a lot of pressure and a very large change for me. But I went in and worked up the courage and finally talked to my boss. It made it easy that he is a good friend of mine and is married to one of my best friends. We had talked about the possibility of me quitting, so he knew it was coming. Everyone was really supportive and it made it a little easier. I miss everyone terribly!!!

In November we got a call to take 3 kids. A 5 year old, 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. We were nervous, but figured we just needed to jump in. The baby was needing a daily visit with the mother to breast feed and after really thinking about it, we decided that was a lot of work with the daily visit so we told them we couldn't do it. They asked us to take the 5 and 2.5 year old and then we would get the 6 month old when the daily feedings were done. We told them we would do that but the day of court was just a few days away so they wanted us to wait until after court. The judge ended up ordering them back home which was a shock to all the case workers involved. But that is what judges can do!!

They called us the next day and presented another case of a 4 year old girl and a 3 week old boy. We said sure!! I was at the festival of trees with my in laws and at 5 pm they called and I hurried home. They beat me home by about 15 minutes. It was so crazy!!! They are way cute kids and the baby was sooooo little!! Me heart broke for the mother that her sweet new baby was taken from her. Granted it is her fault, I still felt sorry for her. It was a rough couple of days trying to get things figured out. The baby ended up having colic and reflux so he was and still is a lot of work. We only had the 4 year old for 6 days and then she went to her dad (different dad than the baby). I cried when she left, but I was a little relieved. She didn't take naps anymore and with the baby being up so much, if made it easier to focus on him and his needs. Many nights sitting in my closet on the floor crying with him laying in front of me screaming and knowing there is nothing I can do for him. It has been a rough ride, but he is so sweet and so cute that it makes it worth it.

He turned 3 months today and he is smiling and cooing and talking up a storm. He has been having weekly visits with his parents since the first part of January. He goes on Tuesday and Thursday from 2-5 and Saturday from 12-8. Chris and I feel that the parents really do love their children and they seem like good people, they have just made some mistakes which they are trying to correct. We had a meeting yesterday about doing a trial home placement. The general feeling is that he should go home. So in a few weeks we will be losing him, but it is best for him and his family if they are together. they also extended his visits so he will now go Tuesday and Thursday from 1-6 and an 8 hour visit on Saturday and Sunday. It is going to be so hard to give him back, but I just have to remember that we helped them when they needed it and now it is time for them to be together again.

So who knows what will come next. His caseworker really liked us and said she would send cases our way for sure. That's encouragIng when people feel that way about you.

So that's it in a nutshell!! I love being at home and being able to spend time with my sisters and mom. It has been everything I always dreamed it would be. I just hope eventually we can keep some of these precious kids we get in our home. I hope to keep this up to date a little better, but only time will tell!! Baby is crying, duty calls!!! See ya!!

Busy yet, I feel like I don't do anything

I have neglected this blog for several months. I haven't been on facebook consistently for a while, just here and there. Haven't seen some of my friends in a while, etc. Just an all around boring person so there isn't much to write about.

However, I discovered a new love. I made my first wedding cake and despite the stress that it caused, it turned out pretty dang good. It was for one of my best friends who got married again. I think they really liked it too.

I also wanted to take a few lines to just tell my husband how grateful I am for him. He is the best husband that a woman could ever ask for. This month on the 16th we will be married for 13 years. It has been a rough 13 years, but the most wonderful 13 years of my life. I feel like he is such a blessing in my life and I don't know what I would do without him. He is so patient and loving with me and I appreciate all the comfort he gives me and has given me over the last several years. I am sure that sometimes he feels like he doesn't help, but he does.

I also miss my friends. I haven't been the best about keeping in touch with some of my best friends. I have missed out on some special times and memories with them. That is one my New Year's resolution. To spend more time with friends that I haven't seen in a while. I think you know who you are!

Well, I pretty much live a boring life right now, so I will write again when I have something else to write about. :) Love you all!!

Desperation

Desperation causes people to put themselves through things that they normally wouldn't go through.

I have been going to a clinic in the hopes that they will have some new angle on how I can get pregnant. I have been going to them since April and so far no progress. Have lost a few pounds, but that is not what I am in this for. Nice side effect, but not what I want. So they decided that I should do the HCG diet on top of the other things that I am doing. So I started that 1 week ago today, and I have lost 6 pounds already. It is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through. But when a person is desperate for something to work, they are willing to try anything. Hopefully this will be the thing that works.

I had a great experience a couple of weeks ago. You know the point that you get to where you feel like all hope is lost and you are destined to be in misery for ever and ever? I reached that point. It was one of the lowest points that I have ever had. I went for a drive and just drove and drove trying to make sense of everything. I was so angry and frustrated and just basically done. I started demanding a direction on what I am supposed to be doing. It is not like I am asking for something horrible. A few days later, I got an email that encouraged me. I realized what it was, my answer.

I have never had an experience like that before. Where it is so clear that your prayer has been answered. I immediately knelt down and thanked my Heavenly Father for his patience in my sorrow and for seeing that I was struggling and needed a boost.

Patience always runs thin in our household. It has been a long, long, long road and we are eager for it to be at it's end. I keep hoping and praying that someone will feel inspired to choose us to be the parents of their child or that the pregnancy really happens for us. For now, at least I know that we are on the right path, whatever that may be.

Deep Breaths....

Chris and I have been keeping ourselves busy in the last several months. I don't know what we are doing, but somehow we are busy.

My grandma passed away a few weeks ago. It was one of the hardest things that I have been through. The weird thing is, I don't feel sad anymore. I know it was her time and I am so glad that she is not in pain anymore. I keep thinking of her being with my baby boys and it just makes me so happy that they have each other. The hardest thing for me now, is trying to figure out how to help my grandpa. I feel so sorry for him being alone. I can't imagine being with someone for that many years and having them be your companion in this life and then they are suddenly gone. It just breaks my heart.

On an upbeat note, this last weekend we went up to my uncle's cabin in the Uinta Mountains for a family reunion. I don't know where a more peaceful place would be found in the outdoors. Of course it is always hectic when you have a bazillion family members running around, but even with that, it is such a peaceful place. I love the solitude you feel in places like that. It really gives you a time to reflect on things.

I have also been involved in a book club the last few months and I have to say that I wish I would have joined a long time ago. I love reading and being able to talk about different perspectives that others may have. It has been a little piece of something for me and I am addicted. Of course Chris is going to love it since I feel compelled to buy the books that we read. Hopefully I don't end up purchasing one I don't like. So far so good. The group is full of wonderful ladies that are such a blast to be around. I have heard that there can be some heated conversations, but so far there hasn't been anything of the sort in the months that I have been going. Something to look forward to, I guess.

I have also started to really become serious about doing guitar classes. I hope to be able to do that sometime this year.

I figure if I continue to keep my life as full as I can, I will be so busy that I really won't have the time to focus on things that I don't have. I just keep hoping that this will be over, right around the next corner. But I have been thinking that for years.

I enjoy so much in my life right now. I am so blessed to have a husband that is committed to our marriage and loves me regardless of my imperfections. I love when I can look at him and still feel that little quiver with the knowledge that he is mine forever as long as we continue to work at it. We have been through so much in this life and we are a stronger couple because of it. We still have our struggles and disagreements, but we know that we are strong and we can make it.

I am so grateful for my testimony of the gospel. I honestly don't know what people do without it in their life. It has been a great comfort to me. Every time I start to doubt, I think back to some of the trials that I have had and I remember the blessings I have received. There have been many times that I have doubted Heavenly Father's love for me and I still struggle every once in a while. But I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve. I am so thankful for the Priesthood and the blessings that we receive because of it being in our home. I know that I am far from perfect, and I have many flaws, outward and inward, but Heavenly Father knows my heart.

Thank you to my support system for being there when I needed someone and even sometimes when I didn't think I needed someone. I have such wonderful people in my life. If you are reading this, you are one of them.