25lbs in pictures. Oye.

This is what 25lbs looks like. I'm humiliated by the first pic, but I'll never go back :)
This is the first time I've seen these back to back, talk about encouraging. The first pic was taken 2 months ago. Second pic was today, NYE.

Twas the night

I'm sure I say this every year, but seriously, tomorrow is Christmas?! What?! I tried so hard to be festive this year but I blame the weather for making that hard.
I also feel like I havent seen a whole lot of my friends, I've been so focused on my own little world. But it's actually paying off, because I am still losing. I *think* I'm at 25lbs. I'm not weighing myself this week because of what I'm about to eat tomorrow. But I'm training 3 times a week now and I can see/feel my waistline. I was actually shopping for swimsuits last night online. For shits and giggles mostly, but for the first time in about 8? years I know I'll be wearing another color, other than black on the beaches this summer.

Anyways, I sit here in my robe, just got home from a workout and I'm spent. We do our lil family Christmas tonight, then church, then to my parents tomorrow morning.

A few days ago I packed up 50 outfits from Bryn's first 12 months of life that I adore, and sent them off to a woman who is going to make them into a huge quilt. It was extremely emotional for me, as I kinda felt like I was giving up hope for another. Then after some prayer I realized that I had to do this. I'm nervous and excited for it !

Hope everyone enjoys this time with family and gives praise to the Lord on this Christmas!

21, for real.

Well I'm at 21 lbs lost. Last night was the kick off for the next biggest loser and my trainer kept saying, be ready, be ready, it's time to get serious. Meaning that all the sweat and tears is going to multiply in the next 90 days. Time to get aggressive. I've been pinning some great swimsuits on pinterest and I have to be skinny by summer. I mean, I will be way before then. The debate is how much I want to weigh. Honestly, I'd be happy in a size 10 or 12 jeans. It's been 10 years since I was that small. So whether that's 140 or 180lbs, I dont care. I'm gonna buy a gallon water jug and attempt to drink that everyday as well as training 3 times a week instead of 2 with my trainer ( with additional cardio by myself )
Ya I'm nervous, but I know that hardwork will pay off in the end. They stress resistance training so that the elasticity of your skin is generous and I wont have too much skin hanging off of me, hopefully. I'm not expecting a bikini, ever, my stretchmarks from pregnancy are horrid. I'd just love a flat stomach and wear the brands I long to wear :)
Thanks again for the support, whoever you are out there.

I'm gonna say that 6lbs was a fluke. Meaning my scale  was wrong. It's safe to say I hit a hard plateau for 3 weeks.
Good news is, I'm down 4lbs (according to the scale today ) so I think things are moving again. I'm upping the amount of time I'm in the gym in hopes my body gets a clue that this is permanent, not a temporary workout kick  I'm on.
My workouts are getting more challenging, my abs are killing me today ( yay)
I bought 24 more sessions ( so 29 left ) and that'll get me to my March birthday. So that's really my Christmas gift.
I've been blessed with a few design gigs here and there, received a very big compliment about my work yesterday from someone I admire, but I know I can do bigger. So for 2012, I'm praying BIG. I want God to move in me and do big things in our life. We havent had change in 3 years, really. I'm ready for something fun and big to happen to us. Big promotion for Dan or big opportunity for me or SOMETHING along those lines.
I like to think I'm content with the life I lead, and I am thankful everyday for what the Lord has done and provided for us. But I'm ready for new and fun milestones.

Well it's all about being real and honest right?
My period started a day after I lost that 21lbs, and the scale went up by 6lbs. SIX.
Meaning I have plateau'd for 3 weeks. I'm hoping it's water weight because there's no way i gained 6lbs of fat back.
I worked my arse off at the gym last week, even injuring my hip flexers which was incredibly painful, but trained 3 times despite the pain, and I was eating everything I should. Even less.
It's discouraging. I have such a long road ahead of me and 15lbs is so, SO small compared to the number I need to reach. MOST days I write down everything I eat and calculate the calories. I'll admit there are a few days I'll skip just because I forget.
But I can feel satan playing mind games with me and I'm not feeling strong enough to tell him to shut the hell up. So if you will, pray for that strength to come out and that God will take this from me. PLEASE!

Big progress

21 pounds. TWENTY ONE. Never thought I'd lose it this fast. I've got here so fast that I dont know what my goal is for Christmas anymore! I'll say 30. Nice round number. I'd love to be down 50 my birthday, March 3. Looks like it's possible. Unbelievable. My trainer was stoked for me too. I finally feel my frame getting smaller. I say frame because my thighs are still the size of a hippos and I still have a gut that I'm self conscious of. But I'll get over it.
From the beginning I told people it'll take 50lbs for me to get down a pants size. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I seriously think that's how it'll go. They are still a big too comfy.
But listen to me. Overanalyzing. I'm proud of myself, that's that.

Sick!

I've been sick more in the last 4 months than I have in 4 years. I'm finishing up with my second round of strep throat, to what is now bronchitis. It's the worst. I lost 6 days in the gym ( but lost a pound ) and went back today for training, feeling like crap but did it anyways. I'm sick of this barking cough and just want to be well!!

Anyways, in other news, Dan's results came back ok. Which is a praise Jesus moment.

However, it's time for more tests to get to the bottom of why his last analysis ( june ) was so bad with the iui. I was chatting with our urologist just explaining all of our issues and history etc. His answer was, well you know it's getting harder and harder for women to conceive, right? I didnt know how to respond, other than, ya I know. He meant environmental factors are causing women to be infertile. Which, yes, I can agree to an extent. He asked us when our next procedure will be and for the first time, I said I dont know. Dan and I just kinda stared at eachother. I was always so sure before with dates and such, and now, I've hit a wall. Now that we know the expense of things ( injections instead of clomid ) it's difficult to know when we'll try again.

In the meantime, we search for answers, give praise to God for the blessings and the answered prayers and keep moving forward.

Quilt Idea

When ya'll figure out how to slow down time, holler at me first.

Once a month I go through Brynlee's clothes, sort the ones that dont fit anymore and put them in big bins in her closet. I'm nearly out of room. I save them because I'm sentimental, every outfit has a memory attached, and I guess it's the one piece of hope I hang onto that we'll have another girl someday.

However, I'm very amused by this idea..

That gal paid a few hundred dollars to have hers made, but I'm sure I could figure it out. But I'm not quite ready to bust out the scissors just yet.

In other news, I'm on my second round of strep throat. This coming from the gal that never gets sick. This year has been a bad one for me! 

However, I'm down 15 lbs in 6 weeks. I'm at a plateau currently, my fault. After this sick passes I'll be really really back at it. I want to be down 15 more lbs by Christmas. That'd be amazing.

Oct 28

I'm halfway to my goal for the week. It'll be hard to lose 3lbs by Tuesday, but crazier things have happened. I'm down 14 pounds in a month. Not too shabby. Actually it's the most I've ever lost. My jeans dont fit and I "feel" lighter, but have a long way to go. I've been sucking at the snacking lately, meaning I havent been. And breakfast has been lacking as well. So I know once I pick that up again, it'll be easier.

I was having a conversation about infertility to an old younger friend of mine. I hadnt talked to her in some time, but she came out asking me all sorts of questions about what's going on with us. She later expressed to me that she's always had this gut feeling that she would have issues conceiving. ( she's a newlywed ) It was a great conversation. That was a month ago, she's pregnant now.

Another friend of mine, that I rarely see, came out of the blue asking me what's going on. I'm so thankful for those moments, to be reminded that people do have balls enough to ask and care. And to be reminded I'm not forgotten.

CD2

Period's are just another reminder that I'm not pregnant. So naturally I'm a bit depressed and cranky around this time.
Case and point.
I was LIGHTLY scolded today by my trainer by somethin I screwed up on, and I burst in to tears. It was almost laughable. I kept saying I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, it's not you, Its just me today. ( he didnt get it ) but felt super bad. 15 minutes later, during my hardest training session yet, I told him, my ovaries are hating you right now. It took him a minute to get it, and finally said, ohhh that's why you cried huh. ( it was kinda cute in a way )
I've ate out twice this week, which is a lot. For the most part I was able to make ok choices, as in less than 500 calories each time, but I would still do a small cheat ( handful of chips at mexican last night and a couple fries at Red Robin today ) which is the thing I JUST bragged about conquering. When it's in front of me, I'm still not strong enough to say no, but I'm smart enough to know I gotta stop.
My 2 week goal is 7 pounds. So November 1st. This is my own goal, no one elses.  I know how hard I have to work to get that 7lbs and I'm not looking forward to it. Did I mention my inlaws are in town? Meaning, more eating out likely, and working with that schedule.

Week 3

Week 3 of my new lifestyle and I'm down 11 pounds. Slowly but surely it's coming off. The first 2 weeks were harrrrd. Like I said, I was starving, irritable and had my doubts. But for the first time in YEARS I see that fat number on the scale go down, bit by bit. I've had a few people ( in a round about way ) say things like, well dont be discouraged if you dont make your goal. Kinda sad. There's a little person inside me that says I wont be able to do it, but a trainer that believes I can, and he's the one that I'm listening to right now. ( and my husband of course )
My body is finally recognizing that I can live on 1500 calories just fine. In 3 weeks I havent had chips, candy or anything fried. And it feels good. I'm learning to choose what calories will fill me, and I've turned into THAT person that asks for the nutrional menu at restaurants. Now that's eye opening. King County requires them, I'm hoping pierce county gets a clue.
The Training sessions are intense. Lots of crossfit. Lots of wanting to pass out, but it's getting better.

This last weeks challenges

I've done fine with my choices ( except for one night when I threw a baby shower and had a dip I shouldnt have had, and i paid for it ) but I havent been doing my snacks and protein shakes like I should. Now I'm freaked out that I havent lost anything.
I did say no to teriyaki chicken, and pizza in the last 3 days, which was hard. I wont lie.
My last training session was the hardest thing I've done. I wanted to throw up. He was pushing me so hard and I just could not do it. My issue is I get overheated and feel like I'm going to faint, so then I have to stop, take time to get my bearings and try again. I feel like a failure, it's miserable.
I cant tell you how much I hate those sessions. The kettleball is miserable. What makes me even more irate is the fact I let myself get this far gone.

In the meantime, AF isnt due til the 18th and yet I'm bloated, extremely tired and have had weird other stuff that I'll tell you about if it continues :)

Keep praying. I can feel satan trying to make me discouraged and doubt myself.

Weigh in

7 pounds down! ( 14 days ago I started this journey )
44 to go!

Oct 3

I'm starving and sleepy.

Twice in one day, I had people around me with french fries. I didnt cave. Not even a bite. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for :)

Tomorrow it the weigh in. I'll post back.

In the meantime, my sister friend is in early early labor. YAY.

The Temptations are coming!

Going on day 3 of this diet. 1500 calories, mostly made up of  2-3 protein shakes a day, small salads and tiny snacks. I'm ready to clobber someone. I'm irritable and starving. Not to mention my back is in so much pain and my legs are jello.

But temptations are all around me. Next weekend I am going out to breakfast with friends, going to a show in Seattle that'll require a dinner out, eating out with my family every sunday, a toddler that eats crackers in front of me, A husband that eats anything and doesnt gain an ounce, Halloween, Thanksgiving, yada yada yada.

It IS a mental game. I get it. But right now, I'm starving. And I really want chicken strips.

However, I've already lost weight. My weigh in is Tuesday.

Let the weight loss commence!

I have a personal trainer. I know he'll be a great fit for me. He was nearly 300 lbs in high school, and you'd never know it now. I know he gets it, he's not some meat head or d-bag that wants to run your arse into the ground.
I've got my nutrition plan, my protein shakes, vitamins and a fitness plan. I'm also gonna do the biggest loser competition at the gym, since it's free w/my training, i get access to all the group classes ( including zumba ) and a little competition couldnt hurt me.
So all in all, I'm encouraged. The goal is to lose 48lbs in 60 days. Just typing that out freaks me out.

I should mention ( since this IS an infertility blog...but turnin into a weight loss blog..) that next cycle I'll be doin 100mg clomid with a hcg. I had some given to me, which I'm so thankful for.

Thanks for the emails of support :)

Day 1

Sometimes, something will trigger me to cry, the ugly cry.

Take this morning for instance. I was expecting to walk into the gym, use my 2 week free pass, ( for now ) and walk out without talking to anyone. That was the plan.
Instead, the manager just happened to ask me if I wanted more kids. It caught me off guard and I lost it. I was that moron that kept apologizing, saying I never do this! I explained that the weight I've gained is a daily reminder of my failed pregnancies, failed fertility treatments and depression. And I'm sick of it. I dont have much accountability, and I ended up hiring a personal trainer, because I wont have any excuses. There's a hot girl inside of me, screaming to be let out. I used to be extremely confident and outgoing, and that's slowly deteriorated.  When they explained what my goal weight was, and how I will be there in 6 months if I do everything I'm told, I about shat my pants. Truth is, I do not believe I can achieve it. I know it's a big issue.
It's great having Bryn in preschool 2 days a week, and my gym is only 2 miles away from her school, so no more excuses.

It's days like this that I'm reminded just how bad I hurt, daily. I've been an expert of shoving infertility hurts deep deep down inside and putting on a brave face. Oscar worthy, really.

Especially after this cycle, my period will now be called shark week

cd1 9.15.11

September 2011

My sweet 90 year old nana died. It was such a long miserable road of dimensia, alzheimers and many falls in the last 6 months. She had hip replacement surgery last week and she just was so weak.
I'm of course so sad, especially for my mom. She's an orphan now. She took such amazing care of her parents. It's very, very hard to see her hurt.
I cannot imagine not believing in heaven, or God. I can be at peace because I WILL see her again. What an amazing promise the Lord gave us. If you are reading this, and have no idea what I'm talking about, email me. It's what I'm on this earth for.

I've been so ill these last 10 days. Started with a cold and grew into strep throat. I havent been sick like that in maybe 7 years?

On a fertility note, On occasion I'll say something really OUT there reguarding baby making, or joke, or whatever, never knowing who it will effect.
I posted this photo, with the note saying "Dear Target, Are you SURE these are for Tree fertilizing? Because I'm not above trying new things...Sincerely, Steph.

An old friend emailed me, someone I would not expect to, saying that it struck a chord with her. She came out of her shell and reached out for encouragement and advice. She thought it was funny, but it made her think.
It does pay for me to be an open book reguarding infertility. It's the only way that I can continue on this mission field. Some people just need SOMETHING SOMEHOW to bring up this super sensitive subject.

Preach it!

Those facebook statuses that claim to raise awareness for breast cancer finally pissed me off this week.
This girl says it just right.

http://bigmamatales.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-does-not-raise-any-awareness-i-swear.html?spref=fb

Thank you, my sweet friends, for your kind words and support.

Dan's home, safe and sound, with stories to tell, a full heart and renewed spirit. It is SO good to have him back ( even though he's ready to sign up for the next trip, along with myself )

He'll call his doc today and get another ultrasound on the books for early Sept.

We have anxious spirits and I can feel that the Lord is on the verge of making some big moves in our lives. We are ready to make leaps of faith. So if you'd pray with me, that the Lord really shows us where to go in some upcoming decisions. I do not want to make another decision without the Lord guiding us. That's truly my heart.

*heavy sigh*

 I miss Dan so much, I tear up typing this. The ol' phrase "dont know whatcha got til it's gone" comes to mind. I mean, he's my right hand! My bff! My love.
We've been able to talk every other day. He's truly truly having the time of his life and reaching so many people.

While we're on the subject of Dan, I guess I should write about what's up, fertility-wise.
After waiting and waiting, months of tests, ultrasounds etc ( since May ) we have a PRELIMINARY diagnosis of testicular cancer. I say PRELIMINARY because, they have ruled out EVERYTHING else, and this small "mass" is very suspicious. The urologist repeated the C word multiple times in the appt 3 weeks ago. It truly blindsided us. We really thought it was going to be varicocele, so when the doc immediately ruled it out and said it looks to be the beginnings of cancer, Dan went blank. The positive thing about this is that there is no physical mass, everything is internal, and he currently does not have the cancer chemical in his body. What I didnt know was that you can have a tumor, that can BECOME cancer. I'm like, ok, it's 2011 and it's TOO EARLY to know 100%? We have to wait til it grows?
He will be making an appt for September, to run another ultrasound to see if it's growing, and do more bloodwork/tests blah blah blah. The bad news? IF it is indeed growing, reguardless of chemo, the testicle would have to be removed. I know that's a lot of info, maybe too much, but I figure since I've exploited my ovaries and lady bits to ya'll, I can speak frankly.

I gotta tell ya, after the initial shock and tears went away, I just had to shake my head and roll my eyes.

I mean, seriously.

What. Is. Going. On.

Why must our awful fertility journey take THIS turn? 6 IUIs, 2 Miscarriages and now the possibility of cancer/testicle removal? You must be joking. You cant make this &%#@  up.
I just want to be pregnant again. And apparently that is STILL not in God's plan.

So instead of saving for a possible IVF cycle, we will be spending thousands on a surgery/possible chemo. I cant decide if I need a good cry or if I need to throw up.

But obviously, Dan's health is number one priority. Really really.

Now dont go spreadin rumors or talkin amoungst yourselves, lets just keep this quiet ( as quiet as a blog can be, since i dont advertise this blog ) I will update you on this subject later in September when we get the big game plan. In the meantime, pray. Pray for peace, healing and that we'll be able to get the funds. My Dan is a worrier. And it doesnt help that thanks to his profession, he does know " too much."

Oh Africa

My heart swells when I think of the mighty work the Lord is going to do in Africa, through my husband and his team.
Dan leaves on Saturday for Kenya. It's an especially trying time for Africa, in the last 2 months, in Somalia alone, they've lost 29,000 babies and children, from sickness due to dehydration. Thousands of Somalians are fleeing to Kenya as I type this. The drought conditions are historical.
He will be doing basic triage needs ( anything from first aid to an arrow in the chest..) to vaccinations, to fluid bags for the dehydrated, to seeing babies delivered or doing basic cpr. Kind of like an expect the unexpected scenerio. He'll also be visiting a boy's orphanage ( handing out toys, telling Bible stories etc ) and doing a small safari.
Dan is by far, the MOST compassionate and humble person I know. I so admire him.  I adore him.
I havent been without him for more than 5 days, so these 2 weeks will be interesting :) Please pray for his safety ( and his team ) and for health, but most of all, that the Word of God will quench their souls thirst.

On the fertility side of things, no good news. My period is 2 weeks late, for no good reason, and I'm not pregnant. Do you know what a tease that is? It's miserable.
We also got some more devastating news, but I'm not ready to share yet, I'm trying to stay positive and center my attention to Dan and this trip.

Still here.

On July 1st, my two younger sisters and I, jumped out of a plane at 13080 feet, dropping at 180 mph.

Back up a bit...

In may, I announced if I wasn't pregnant, I'd go skydiving. Because, well, it's safer than jumping off a cliff, right? My sister suz said She'd join me in support.

June 28th I called her bawling. It was the first time I could barely speak through my tears. The only words that came out were " suz, did you still wanna skydive with me?" she knew what this meant and of course was so sad for us. I turned around and booked our jump.

Our youngest sister, Sayle, has horrendous anxiety issues. However, she said yes to the jump the night before, because sisters stick together right? Namy girls forever.

We gear up, get our quick briefing, and hop on the plane, strapped tightly to our guys laps. Twas a beautiful clear day. Thank u God for that beautIful day. Before we knew it, it was time. 3 scoots of the bums, lean into the wind, and soar. I couldn't figure out how to breathe, it was 180 mph winds racing through my nostrils and lungs. 60 seconds later, crotch pain, the chute had lifted us. I could breathe and enjoy the insane beauty I was falling to. I landed and tears started falling out. My guy was like, pretty intense emotions huh? I said, dude, you havenoidea. I ran to baby sis who landed next, she was sobbing with a smile. Suz landed and we all cried. Tears of joy, adrenaline, comradery,love, and a lil sadness. We each needed that jump. For different reasons, and didn't know it til after.


.......

No news on dans cancer screen yet. I'm busy being on call for my 16yr old client who's due any day. We are praying for change. I'm getting new inspiration for design, that makes me happy. Bryns great,did great camping this weekend.

White Flag.

I had to take a shower so that I could quietly sob this morning without Bryn and Dan hearing me.
I had hope this cycle.
Everyone knows that God's plan is best, but I just cannot understand why He doesnt want me to be pregnant again.
He has spoken loud and clear. We had so many obstacles and road blocks this cycle, that He allowed.
I have a huge lump in my throat and a hole in my heart.
Infertility has proven to be an unconquerable beast for us.
So I am waiving the white flag.

11dpiui

bfn

10dpiui

Dude! How sad is this? One of my RE's died! ( pneumonia ) It's going to drastically change how the clinic works..I'm so sad for them! A tremendous loss no doubt. Such a sweet sweet truly caring man.

My pinkeye is still hangin on. I'm on 2 different drops for them. I'm such a wuss when it comes to eye drops, so this isnt fun for me.

6 years ago I married Dan. How time goes by. I'm proud of what we've accomplished and learned in 6 years :)

Congrats to Cori on her BFP! Thrilled to see another gal defeat infertility.

Have a good weekend all! Weddings, BBQs, Bridal Showers, Graduation Parties for me!

Pinkeye?!

I'm so irritated. I had my eyelashes tinted on Tuesday, and right after my left eye started stinging so the gal put eyedrops in it. It was blurry through the day. Yesterday it started to get painful, and so red.I've never ever had any eye issues. Ever. The shower helped temporarily last night, but today it's painful, red, itchy, and draining. I'm so pissed. Today is the day Dan and I spend in Seattle for all day and evening and I'm distracted. Gah.

6dpiui and lots goin on

I'm 6 days past my 2nd IUI. I had a good amount of pain/cramping that  made me bend over and take a breath a few times tonight. So bloated I cant suck it in. I'm praying it's implantation.
This 2ww is so different than all my others because I'm busy and distracted. I had 3 friends ask me when I'm testing, and I simply said I dont know.For the first time I had to look at the calendar tonight to see what dpiui I was.

George was here for the week, which was great, and kept me busy. We are also getting hens/chicken coop this saturday so we've been prepping the yard and space for this. I'm really excited for this.

My nana is in the hospital, 3rd time in the last few months. She has severe c-diff ( her white blood cell count was 64,000 ), has lost 25lbs, dimensia, onset Alzheimers, 90years old, has fallen twice and I feel her time is near...and although its so sad, I'm at incredible peace about it. She needs to be with her husband and son in heaven. 

We're goin camping in less than 3 weeks which I am SO stoked on, I got a whiff of campfire today and a citronella candle and it got me in the mood.

Bryn is now farting on me. She says "mom I'm gonna "bart" on you" and backs her lil toosh up to me and farts. My initial instinct is to say knock it off, but it is so freaking funny that I cant help but laugh. She was also asking for something in the cabinet tonight, saying I want some "hopscotch"...come to find out it was butterscotch chips. She also asks me every single day, is it school time yet? My child is so ready. I am not. Everyone says she's Dan's twin, but when she laughs and scrunches her nose, she is without a doubt, my kid.

3dpiui

My lady lumps feel like they weigh 10lbs each.

IUI#4 part deuce

 I arrived at 10:30, but didnt get in til 11, which was frustrating, but oh well. My regular nurse greeted me with a smile and took me back to the tiny room. She laid down the sheet of paper that has all of the sperm's facts for today. Today we had 6-8 million after wash to work with. That's kinda what I expected. The shocking part was he had 220 MILLION prewash, which is excellent. But only 6-8 million survive the wash. Many were said to be slower and swimming in circles, which is consistant with Dan's current diagnosis. The iui was painless this time and I laid there on the table for 25 minutes afterwards. So i gotta look at it as I have 16 million total sperm, and 3 eggs.
This has taken a very large toll on my husband. Men are funny that way, it's such a hit to his ego. Even though it's not his fault at all. He's havin a hard time with it, so I'm trying to be the positive look forward everything will be ok wife, even though inside I'm a ticking time bomb. You know me. The "strong" one.
I will go back in Thurday for another frickin ultrasound ( cha ching ) to make sure I'm not overstimming.  After that I'll stop blogging during my 2 week wait and even after I test. I'll get back on once i have betas. Truth is, I dont know how many people read this blog, I'm always shocked at people coming out of the woodwork to say hey I've been reading..
Anyways, keep up the prayer work. I really do remember you in my praises, thanking the Lord for putting you lovely people in my life.If this thing works, I might just have to throw a mighty bash, thanking everyone for their support and love.
I have this pressure on myself to be very careful how I act and what I say after every cycle. People are looking to see how I react to difficult news, and I have to remember that, especially for the unsaved people who are struggling themselves. Its a daily thing, where I have to remind myself to praise him through the storm.

Iui#4 part one

Well not a lot of good news to report. I went to my iui alone, which I've never done. Dan had his urology appt at the same time. My usual nurse didn't do the iui, and this other nurse had a real hard time getting to my cervix. This iui was not comfortable, I was wincing the whole time. My cervix is really hard to get to. We only had 8 million sperm. Minutes later Dan texted me and said they suspect varicocele on him. He has an ultrasound on Thursday. This puts even more pressure on this cycle because we would have to take several months off due to meds for him and possible surgery depending on severity. I've had a 30 hour headache and this adds to my anxiety. The hope I'm holding onto is that last may I got pregnant on5 million sperm.

Tomorrow at 10:30 I will have another iui, which will hopefully up our chances of more sperm.

Estrogen is 525, follies 14.5 and 17.5 and 18.5. Because of my history of missed ovulation they want me to trigger at midnight. I'll start baby aspirin and estrogen tomorrow, and I will be doin two iuis this time. Tomorrow and Tuesday. Pray dans numbers are great please!! He's got his own doc appt tomorrow too so we are hoping for answers. I'm nervous excited..

Here's a novel for ya

Today has been such an emotional day.
9am I go in for my ultrasound and blood draw..and there are 3 follies, but 2 dominant now ( 13.5 and 14 )..so i will continue another 150iu for 2 days ( had to get MORE meds ) But Praise God I still have 2 good lookin eggs.
I then admit to my nurse that Dan has been having severe pain in his manhood for weeks now. He has a urology appt on Monday. It's scary, and because of his line of work, he knows it can only be a couple of things. My nurses eyes got big and said he has to come in immediately. So first thing in the morning he'll have an analysis done. Because who knows what his counts are if he's in pain, then we are lookin at real trouble. So I'm all upset because she's upset, and that appt is, once again, not covered by insurance.
SO I left with anxiety. Rushed to court to fight a stupid red light ticket, ran home, picked up Bryn and headed to my moms. On the way I get a phone call from the financial gal at Gyft, who i do not care for, and she has alerted me that Dan cannot be seen tomorrow because his account has gone to collections. Um, wha? Never had a warning, furthermore, Dan has a seperate account?! This was honestly news to me. I argued with her for a few minutes because the frustrating part is they tell me one thing but bill me another. So I can NEVER plan thoroughly for money per cycle. This cycle has been bomb after bomb with money. I'm sorry to complain about it so much, but it really has blindsided me, all the extra costs this time that I was not warned about.We do not own credit cards, so everything is cash. On. The. Spot. So you understand why I'm uptight. I've been grinding my teeth all day.

After this cycle, I'm done.( unless by some miracle another clinic is drastically cheaper ) I know I've said otherwise at times, but I cannot handle another cycle like this..and frankly we'll be broke after this! It's too taxing on us emotionally, physically and financially. It's takin a heavy heavy toll. Thankfully our marriage is strong and can take it :)

So to go out guns a blazin, we are doing 2 iuis. Back to back. Well, that's the plan. If something is seriously wrong with Dan, then obviously we'll have to cancel the cycle or who knows. So lets pray that all is well with him.

The good news out of this appt was that my estrogen is 284, up from 118.

I love her. Brynlee is 3 1/2

Not so good news?

3 follicles, cd10, sizes 8.5, 10, 11.5 ( which normally would be good  at this point) All on one ovary

cd8 e2 was 82

cd10 ( today) was 118...booo.

I'm bumping my follistim from 75 to 150 for the next 3 days...next u/s is friday.

I'm freaking out, this means only 1, maybe 2 of those follies are growing.

I know those numbers mean nothing to most of you..a follicle is ideal at sizes 18-22mm for our iuis. So I have a lot of growing to do. But i've always been a slow grower.

Pray hard, Plead with me, Beg the Lord to give me atleast 2 follicles. and most of all, that this works no matter what. I cant think about cancelling a cycle after the physical and financial impact this has put on me.

Follie check 1

Back from ultrasound number one. 13 total follicles, 3 to 4 we are watching....meaning they are between 8 and 10.5 mm. Waiting til this afternoon for e2 results which will determine if I keep the shots up or skip tomorrows ultrasound which is what I hope. Pray for those 3-4 follies to grow healthy and big, fast! Thanks..will update later..

Update: e2 is 82...us again wednesday, continuing follistim 75 iu

Back from appt

SHG is clear, thanks for the prayers. It was uncomfortable but frankly I'm used to having a speculum up my hoohaw....it was the filling of the uterus with saline that made me cramp. We wont know for weeks if it's covered, i'm having my doubts though.

K. I'll shut up til next Monday. Off to enjoy the sun.

Day 2 Follistim Shots

The shots are easy. I did choose to put them in my thighs to start and may end with stomach. ( 75iu at 5:30 every night )
Side effects I've noticed I get a bit of a hazey feeling, and what feels like the beginning of a headache, but it amounts to nothing. The biggest part is I go to bed with my butt muscles on fire. Kinda weird. But cant complain too bad.

Tomorrow is my SHG. I'm not expecting to see anything unusual. ( but please pray that insurance covers it )

PS. Bryn's newest sentences she says all the time : mmm that's wishous momma ( delicious ) AND No, sorry, I'm busy.

The Plan.

I'm spent. Literally. I'm so tired of spending money. 

We had a very very unnecessary appt with another doc at our clinic today to go over the risks and directs for Stims, even though I had already been educated about it, but they insisted. Mind you, I had already gone in at 9am this morning and had to drive back at 1pm with Dan ( whom I had to wake up 3 hours early ) So lots of driving today. He went over the risks, OHSS, Multiples, Ectopic, Ovarian Twisting etc. Stuff I've known. He told me things that my nurses told me this morning. Like it REALLY was a waste of our time. I had to pay $200 for that 15 minute meeting. So frustrating.

I have to go back to him on Friday for an SHG. I dont know if it's covered by insurance yet, if it's not, it's $506 on the spot. They couldnt do it today because i'm still in the thick of my AF.

Dan and I left and I told him I feel like this is it. I know the other day I said I'd do everything in my power blah blah, but when you're in the thick of it, like we are, I am emotionally drained. It is SUCH a rollercoaster, and I havent even started my meds ( will tonight ) I nearly lost it when the doc asked how many pregnancies have you had and how many births?

I carry immense guilt because Dan has to pick up overtime shifts in order for us to pay for these out of pocket. I expressed this to him and he smirked and told me I have to stop thinking that way, that its nothing for him to do that. He really is selfless. When I said after this I think I'm done, he asked, Done Done? Or just done with the clinic? I dont have an answer right now. I'm trying to stay in the present.

This cycle will near $2,000. It scared me because this doc said if you're going to do 2 of these you should look at ivf, due to money and the chances are so much greater.

It's all scary and overwhelming and I want to crawl in a hole. But instead I'll be giving myself a shot in the stomach at 5:30. 

The Lord likes it when we pray for specifics, so to whomever is reading this, this is our prayer:

1. THAT I REACT WELL TO THE MEDS WITHOUT OVERSTIMULATING ( very important, we cant have more than 5 follicles )

2. THAT MY SHG WILL BE CLEAR ( No polyps, cysts or evidence of a d&c)

3. THAT THE MONEY WILL SHOW UP

4. THAT I WILL CARRY A HEALTHY BABY

Lord help us

Cd1

If this cycle doesn't work, I'm jumping out of a plane at 13000 feet

Rollercoaster

Ok so here's the deal. It's been a rollercoaster the last 2 days. I'm ready to go crazy.
I received the meds, however, 6 out of 7 vials were expired ( she didnt realize )
So I spent last night in a panic. Left a lengthy message on my RE's voicemail, cried in bed and dove into the Word, and prayed. That IS all I could do. My prayer was that that one vial would be enough, and if it wasnt, that we could still, somehow, go on with this cycle without skipping. ( My period hasnt started yet, but I'm betting it'll be here by Sunday )

So 9am on the dot, my nurse calls me ( i apologize for calling so much these last 2 days )and says that one vial of Follistim is no way enough.

I ask, ok Julie, what am I to do? I cant scratch this cycle, I'm already emotionally invested. I even cancelled a vacation and sold stuff on craigslist in prep for this iui, this will be the most expensive cycle we've done in our 15 months. She said she'll put in an prescription for another vial of follistim, hcg and doxy for Dan. We'll just have to pray that I do indeed only need 2 vials ( 600 ius )..I'll have to overnight them from a specialty pharmacy, and I'll be shelling out $400.

Obviously I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but the Lord DID answer my prayer last night, and that was to have a solution by this morning, and that the cycle would not be cancelled. Julie did NOT want me to go back on Clomid whatsoever ( I had asked her to pair follistim w/clomid ) because it'd be backtracking.

I have so many more hoops to jump through, it's amazing how a cycle can literally be hour to hour. So this is what my "schedule" will look like...

CD1: Dan Doxy
CD3: Ultrasound and Sonohystogram and possible Stim Consult with another Doc
CD3-11: Follistim Shots ( with E2 checks and ultrasound )
CD?: HCG Shot at home/Progesterone start
CD?: IUI

Thanks for the support and kind words .. it means the world that you take the time to comment :)

To God be the Glory

24 hours ago I was all gloom and doom.
Then my dear friend Liz emailed me with an offer that made my jaw drop. She had injectables that she will not be using ( because she's now pregnant..YAY )...the catch was, it was not the injectables that my doc wanted me on. After a late night voicemail to my doc/nurses explaining that I was given meds, I was left to wait today for the phone call to see if he'd agree to allow me to go forward.
My nurse called all excited for me saying the doc is going for it, and we CAN do an iui this cycle. I'm sobbing writing this. You have all these scenerios in your head of how you could fix a problem and then God comes in and shows you one you had not thought of. Because our brains are small and we're human.
I still have to have an SHG done, meet with the Stim Doc and order my hcg pronto, but that's nothing.

Liz Veh, you saved the day. People were praying for a miracle last night and he used YOU as an instrument to solve this. Love you long time.

This will be so different from anything i've done because ALL the medicating is done from home. Even the trigger shot. I'll just go in for my follie checks and iui. How awesome.

Shame on me for putting God in a box. Shame on me for doubting his abilities. He IS faithful. I'm a living example of how up and down our faith can be, but just hang on. HANG ON.

I'm blessed, and relieved. Dan's going to crap his pants when he finds out what's goin on.

Just another thought

I looked at Bryn tonight and thought, I will do everything in my power to have another.The JOY she brings is out of this world. I hurt often, I had a good cry today, but I'm so so thankful to have her. I've always said I'll exhaust my resources before I give up. But naturally I wonder about God's plan, and I pray PRAY that He will tell me when to stop. I even asked my doc today, is there a point when you wont allow me to do another iui? He said no. We know you can get pregnant.

On a  much lighter note, for all you "pregnant in heels" watchers, doesnt she kind of drive you nuts? Am I normal? I think she can be incredibly rude and awkward. I would feel so uncomfortable around her.

Well that didnt go how I thought it would. At all.

I'm moving up to injectables. This is new territory for me, I had to educate myself on it. I'll be on Merional, which with the other drugs will be over $700. I have to order them from England of all places.

Even more bad news was that friggin volcano is stopping/delaying flights, there is no way they'd make it here on time. I could order in the US, but it's literally 70% MORE to order. I'm so overwhelmed.

Then he wants to do a SHG at the start of my June/July cycle.

I have to skip this cycle. June/July is our next IUI, then we have to skip July/August because Dan will be in Africa. I'm so scared.

So ya. If anyone wants to donate Merional Injectables or an HCG shot, holler atcha girl. Because I'm desperate. I have to order my meds in the next week.

Pray for it all. I'm so exhausted.

Appt tmrw

As my cd1 rapidly approaches, I am meeting my doc tomorrow morning. We'll discuss protocol and if there's any meds he wants me to change. I'm excited and terrified for this iui, which will likely happen in three weeks. Please please remember Dan and I in your prayers, let's pray this is the one. Magic number 16.

Another 2ww

Well our medicated/timed intercourse cycle is done. Now the lovely 2ww.
We went to minnesota last week, so stressful, I'm sure it'll interfere with this cycle. We used the ol' softcup method. Now THAT was interesting. But it was something different and the last hurrah til our next IUI just weeks away.

We're doin a Beth Moore study at Bible Study, and although I'm not a fan of how loud she is when she speaks, or the long drawn out points she makes, I did catch a few nuggets.

Do you believe that God is a giver or a taker? I found myself asking this question, and I can say that I'm guilty of fearing he'll take something away. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. Like, if I ever get over this battle with infertility, what will he take from me next? It's an awful way to live, right? I get nervous and anxious when things are going too right.
 I too am guilty of thinking, if I love something to much ( my daughter, my family, my house etc ) will he take that from me because I love it too much? It was truly eyeopening for me. I cant live this way anymore. He gives and gives and gives, and I do give him great thanks in my prayers, and yet throughout the week I think of what I dont have. Another baby.

It took 16 months to conceive Brynlee.

June will be our 16th month of trying for baby #2.

Cd10 and mothers day

Clomids done. Estrogen began cd8..I took a doxy last night. Today I missed church due to nausea and angina. Yuck. But I had my whole family over and Dan n suz made us steak, corn on the cob, salad and BBQ shrimp. Yum.

I feel so honored to be a mom. It's seriously such a privilege to be Bryns mom. I can't wait to fly with her this week, just the two of us.

And I love my own mom. She's a huge part of who I am, and I'm thankful we are close.

Congrats Tab!

My wonderful friend Tabitha gave birth to her daughter, Scarlett Grace, yesterday.
Tabitha went through MULTIPLE IVFs and years of failure, so she is on cloud 9 right about now. She's quite the inspiration and a true woman of faith, I admire and love her greatly.
Tab-expect a visit from us this summer :) I need some california in my life.

Clomid turns me into a bear. And it takes away any patience I have. And it takes away from a restful sleep, even WITH ambien.
So I need to vent a bit.

Brynlee is backtracking. She wets her pants alteast once a day, just out of shear laziness. Or something. I dunno. I HATE it. She's been fine for a year. And now this?

Bryn is now saying Oh My Gosh. And I hate it. I feel like the worst mom. I hate hearing a 3 yr old say those words. Just another reminder of how I need to hold my tongue.

Dan's working massive hours this week to prep for our trip next week. So I see him for 2 hours a day, if I'm lucky. But he has to. We need the cash.

I worry about my dad and his health. Constantly.

I am praying ahead of time for next weeks visit with the inlaws.

I have a friend that uses me. And she's long distance. And I'm not the only one she uses, and she's clueless as to how selfish she is. It's really exhausting.

The good news is the sun is out.

Sex Ed: But where do their legs go?

You guys have to take the time to read this. My friend Leah sent it to me and I was so intrigued, and it's hilarious. ( a 9 yr old learning about sex )

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/apr/23/sex-education-julia-sweeney

Cd1. 4.29

Boy did she make her appearance yesterday .. I was out for the count thanks to crippling cramps.

We decided we will do a medicated cycle with some new things at home this cycle, not that it's worked before but I just happen to have the meds for it. So I start clomid 100mg tomorrow cd3 to 7 then estrogen and progesterone later. Please be praying. I haven't been myself lately.

Here comes my period. Ugh.

This is ridiculous.

I was looking for swimsuits online, and clicked on google images. After several pages it got a lil scary but I clicked on this one picture because it looked off. Sure enough, it was from walmart. No surprise there ( I HATE Walmart, I've gone in there ONE time in the last 4 years )
Look how bad these images are photoshopped. These are Straight from the site, I didnt alter them. You gotta laugh.

I've known this gal for a few months now, and while I was explaining infertility to her and what's been goin on with us, she told this story that I've heard a million times too many.

" My sister in law tried and tried for over a year to get pregnant"..what was her diagnosis? " Well they didnt know exactly, but they gave up, relaxed and went to Mexico for a vacation, and she wound up pregnant!"

It has NOTHING to do with relaxing.

Would you tell a blind man to relax, and you'll see tomorrow? I think not.

What a weekend.

Had a wild weekend...Saturday was spent taking out a hedge in my backyard, followed by laying out/playing a game with my sister in the 68 degrees, followed by a phone call which led us to the hospital..my 90 yr old nana took a nasty fall creating a HUGE bump ( size of my fist ) on her head. So I spent 6 hours at the hospital and back at her assisted living home trying to give comfort measures to her, but she's got dimensia and onset alzeimers so you're having to remind her what happened all the while reminding her that her husband has been gone for 6 years( because she was asking multiple questions about him every 5 min ) and trying to calm her down, while clothing her, taking her to the restroom multiple times, trying to get her to eat and drink. It was physically and emotionally taxing, let me tell you. I have a new found respect for elderly caretakers. I was giving high praise to the women back at her assisted living home.

I'm trying to explore volunteer options to be a pro bono doula for homeless or abused women. I thought, man I've been givin the talent and skills to help people and I'm not using it to my full advantage. Even if I could be that support or educator to a teen, or an abused woman about child birth, I'd be a big deal for me....and them. So that's what I'm praying about right now, as well as getting some fall clients. I truly believe I can make a difference in the birth room. It's been proven!

I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter. I'm so thankful for my Lord. He is risen indeed!

Minnesoooooota ( said with thick accent )

21 days til we venture off to Minnesota. We are surprising Dan's sister for her college graduation and flyin out. Dan will be taking an earlier flight than us on another airline because he had a voucher ( for assisting a man with a medical issue on board our flight to mexico ) So i'll be armed with the ipad, snacks and a change of undies for Bryn juuuuuust in case. I swear she has overactive bladder syndrome. She's been having quite a few accidents lately, she'll all of a sudden be in a panic to go pee and cant make it to the bathroom. It's frustrating for her.

Anyways, Minnesota is cold right now. Snowing, everything is still brown and dead and that is an issue with me. However, I'm just glad to get away, and play with Bryn and Dan on the Waletzko farm. It's been a couple years since I've been back. Things are verry slow paced back there so I tend to be bored, but hopefully Dan and I can get away for an evening.

We are going to the tulip festival this weekend, I so look forward to that.

On another note, say a prayer for my friend Rachel, she's in the middle of an adoption and we need to pray that the father signs the papers tomorrow.

I don't want this testimony. Ya know, the one with miscarriages and failed fertility treatments? How about the testimony in which a miracle happens and I do get pregnant again. Regardless I will serve the Lord, but I'm exhausted from having that first testimony. And if I do become pregnant again, I of course willbcontinue to encourage, send emails and cards and texts to women still waiting for their miracle. This mission field will always be mine, I just pray the Lord blesses me and uses me as a vessel for his glory.

So in efforts to save for our next IUI and Dan's mission trip to Africa, I'm making a budget. Which I havent done in a year or more.
Thankfully we do not own credit cards, we own our cars and our only debts are student loans and mortgage....however they are hefty payments per month.
I'm goin back to basics. Cash allowance every week on groceries/eating out and setting a limit for "fun money" every month.
I'll still use my ol' rule of, if I buy something for the house, something has to be sold or donated. You'd be surprised at how I pay for most home decor/furniture stuff around the house. I have a talent for buying and selling for profit and never take out of savings.


On the baby front, I was talkin to someone who's gettin hitched this summer about her plan for baby making. She had it alllll laid out. She'll start at this said time (years from now )because this will be happening and this will be happening. She also fired a bunch of info to me that she was obviously uneducated about but I wasnt in a mood to educate her, she's the type that wont listen...and frankly I didnt feel like giving her a dose of reality. Today however, I would have given her that dose. It makes me sad how some people are so ignorant about making a baby.

Cd10

This cycle and last my ovaries have been killing me. I dont know why. Not that it'd make a difference but I may have to take some O tests so I atleast know WHY I am aching.

The nurse suggested I talk to our doc in May, before our June IUI( it's been since july, the nurses do all the work ) to see if he wants to change anything for our 4th IUI.

It'll cost $150 to talk to him for 'bout 20 minutes. Gag. And quite honestly I do not want to change up too much, since our history shows IT WORKS. Upping my clomid is dangerous, I'm already at 100mg, and I get 3 follicles from that. So they wouldnt change that. My progesterone/estrogen intake would be the only other thing to change, but those levels have always been perfect. Dan will be on his oxy and l-argenine.

So please pray for guidance, and that we WONT have to change anything and that my body will react well. Also pray for funds to come through for Dan's Africa Trip and for the IUI. We have A LOT of money to raise.

Bravo's Pregnant in Heels

Anyone else watching "Pregnant in Heels" on Bravo? It's a brilliant brilliant business that Rosie Pope is running. Pregnancy Concierge? It really is ridiculous at the same time. Everything from decorating a nursery, to birth education, to picking out baby names. Seriously, one client had a PANEL of experts to pick out the bold baby name. If we lived in a hoity toity area, I'd be all over this business. This has me written all over it. I mean, decorating to baby education? And getting paid well? Yes.
On another note, Rosie suffers from infertility. She has one son, but after birth it was discovered her uterus is split in half, meaning she can only get pregnant via IVF.So it'll be interesting to see how she integrates that personal info into the show.

http://community.rosiepope.com/blog

Welp. The last of my infertility friends are officially pregnant. One had a fabulous beta on Friday and the other had the ultrasound to confirm. I now have no more everyday friends that are suffering from IF. ( I say everyday because my ministry with IF continues online with women I've never met in real life.)
I'd be lying if I said it werent bittersweet. And ya the thought crossed my mind once again that I'm left behind.

But I have GREAT joy for my friends like Tabitha and Liz, who did IUI's AND IVF's, with years going by and they both are pregnant with their FIRSTS now. Tabitha due in the coming weeks and Liz being newly pregnant. My heart throbs with joy for you. You will make incredible mothers.

I have a friend that is in her 50's and was telling me she waited 10 years to have her second baby, she was 38 when she got pregnant. I went home and cried after she told me that. My heart and body cannot wait 10 years. Not 5. Not 3. I dont want another year of infertility under my belt.

Furthermore, if I ever do get pregnant again, I vow ( like I did w/bryn ) not to complain or whine or forget about friends that are still struggling. Ok I'm done.

I LOVE this video.

Not only is she so friggin cute, but it's for real, she went into labor 8 hours later. I hope I can do this one day. In the meantime, I'll recommend it to clients :)

CD1 3.27

Proof that once again, I cannot get pregnant on my own

Updates.

This is breakfast of champions for me, right now.

This, is what I just ordered ( which I'm proud to say I earned by selling things on craigslist..and part of a doula fee, nothing outta savings)

This, is the end result after a long labor for a client ( lil Sylas 6lb 15oz born at 1:20am this mornin )

Dan will be back on this nasty stuff to build up his quality for our June cycle: ( it seriously works big time )

Make that 6 pregnancy announcements in March. 2 still in secret.
Off to a birth I go!

*edited march 26, it's up to 7 pregnancies. seriously!*

Ch Ch Ch Changes.

Changes in our diet starting Friday...

1. Goin from 2% to 1% milk. I dont drink milk by the glass, but I do have it in my grape nuts. Bryn doesnt NEED that extra fat anymore, and she eats yogurt 2 times a day. Ya, seriously. That small change will add up over time due to lowering the saturated fat I take in daily.
2. I do not eat breakfast on a regular basis, ok, maybe once a week. This will change immediately. Grape nuts with a banana will be the main plan, or I love my some light yoplait yogurt with granola. ( do I need something else with this? )
3. More Veggies. I'm guilty of not having a veggie everyday. Fruits are no problem.
4.  Cut back on the rice.
5. Portion control. Not necessarily on my plate,but making sure dinner isnt the BIG meal of the day. This is a hard one. I need to give lunch and breakfast the attention they deserve.

I'm copy and pasting this to my husbands email :)
Again, this is for me to SEE. Comment if you like.

Thank you Karin.

One major thing I struggle with is the realization that I put my weight issues/body image before the Lord. Therefore it is an idol. It consumes my mind, literally every minute of every day. I realized it a couple years ago and it made me angry at myself. I often repent and cry out to the Lord because I so want him to take this from me. I so want him to consume my mind more than my weight does. Infertility still consumes me, but the Lord is fiercely working on me and He's filling up that part of my heart and mind more and more with peace. Yes I still have my break down and cry and beg him and weep some more moments, but generally, that idol is in the back, if you will.
Because I'm not taking care of myself ( kinda gave up to be honest, lack of motivation, crappy weather ) it's on my mind, always...not letting the Lord in to do his great work. So the last few weeks, once again I've been praying for an intervention from him, that he'll take this from me, give me the motivation  and perseverance.

I will submit myself to God and resist Satan, and as the Bible says, he will flee me.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

As of today, FIVE friends have announced pregnancies in March. TWO more remain anonymous..

One thing I did not know about Clomid? It can stay in your system up to 60 days after you take it.

The last few days I've been so queezy and beyond sleepy. Mind you, I havent been eating well, but I did pretty good yesterday and still felt like @#%& . I did get about 5 hrs of sleep last night so that was exciting. I'll try to muster up energy to get to the gym today. It's been weeks :(

Happy 19th to my baby sis, Sayle Juleen

The most compassionate, God fearing, sensitive, funny 19yr old you'll find.

I dont know what's up with me. I am so sleepy all.the.time. I'm back on Ambien but it doesnt seem to work like it used to. I dont feel that deep sleep I used to get ( i'm only on day 3 of it ) But because of it, I MUST nap, and I've had to cancel things because I just cannot function. It's bad! Plus, my ovaries have not stopped aching. It's constant. I dont know what's goin on with me!!!!!!!!

Feeling left behind. Again. Another friend is pregnant. And my initial reaction is YAY! More babies! What fun! Then my day goes on and I realize, wow I'm that much more"behind" than my friends, and that I wish that anything I could get pregnant within 1 or 2 cycles.
I have a birth coming up very quick and I'm so thankful for that. I get incredible joy out of being a doula, and it seriously puts a bandaid on my battered heart when I see a baby being born. I pray that the Lord keeps clients coming. It's such a blessing in my life.

I had a dream that I adopted twins. Boy and Girl. I was a bit overwhelmed. Then I realized I didnt tell Dan about them, and that carseats for them would cost $1000 to get them home. So I asked about their  return policy. ( how dumb is that )

Future Nursery Room

This room is always in the back of my mind.
The room that is empty, with paint swatches on it, with a prime job done. The room that one day would be called nursery. Lately I've been thinking I need to go ahead and paint it. The room will be blue reguardless of if there's a baby in there or not, or if it's a boy or girl. I can atleast get a twin size bed in there for guests in the meantime. In this 4 bedroom home, it's the only empty room. I absolutely deserted it after the miscarriages.

So I made my first big purchase for the room. Actually it's likely the most expensive thing that's not a piece of furniture. I'll post about it on my other blog in a week or so. I cant allow that to be a sad room anymore!

Sept 11th (NY) Jan 11th (Haiti) and March 11th (Japan) .... Luke 21: 10-11 Then Jesus said to his disiples: "Nations will rise against nations, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven. Jesus says for behold I come quickly. So, ask yourself "Am I ready?" 


People get ready, the time is drawing near.

Awesome mom moment.

I left the febreze in Bryn's room. Dan went to check on her after she was heard running around in her room after he put her down. The floor is wet, the bed is wet, Brynlee is dry. Bryn, did you wet the bed? No. I keening. ( she had nearly EMPTIED the Febreze, spraying it heavily on her linens and carpet. I'm afraid to go up there in the light of day to see if anything is ruined.

Good n the bad

Good news: My doc finally prescribed me Ambien. Praise Jesus. I wont be hooked up to a cpap machine or have to wear anything special to sleep. Yay.

Bad news: I have bodyaches, my lower back hurts insanely bad, along with my ovaries. This is strange for me.

Good news: I have a doula client due in a couple of weeks. Yay.

Bad news: I havent been to the gym in 9 days. Shame Shame Shame.

Good news: Massage Therapy tomorrow. Yay.

what the..

Riddle me this. Why in the world would I be cramping on cd7 and cd8 ( today ) ? Just out of shear curiosity I may be doing O tests this week. ( remember, i DO NOT Ovulate on my own. )

Michelle, since you do bbt ( i've never done )...could i jump in and do it tomorrow then everyday after that? Or am I too late?

Surrogacy

Is anyone watching "One born every minute" on lifetime?! I'm a mess watching it. Either I'm shaking my head a the ridiculous things the nurses say or simply crying at how amazing birth is. The doula side of me  is coaching every woman in there :)

This particular episode had me bawling. There was a surrogate for an older couple who had tried/waited for 17 years. They are from Switzerland and the surrogate is here in the US. How incredibly emotional for all involved.

Could you be a surrogate? I want to think I could. But thanks to my IF, I wouldnt be a candidate.  There are a couple of you reading this that I'd surrogate for, if I could :)

That's all.

If you know me, you'd likely describe me as a bold person. I'm a natural leader and if I have something to say, I usually say it :)
I am learning to live a more bold life for the LORD though. I want to be the gal in the grocery line that leads people to Christ. I've got the mouth for it, but I'm learnin to get the tools. ( Dan always said I'd make an insane social worker because I can ask the tough questions without flinching lol)

 It got me to thinking that there arent enough non-believers in my life. I pray a couple times a month for God to place someone on my heart. Whether it's a believer that's gone astray or someone who doesnt know the first thing about our God.
I stepped out on a limb and asked someone who doesnt believe, to church. After a few days, she said she'd go( still waiting for her to go ) But it made me realize that we need to be filling our church seats with non believers.
It also dawned on me that I have 2 friends in particular that I'm not sure if they are saved. They talk about praying and things of that nature, but I'm not 100% that they will be in heaven with me one day, and that scares me.
What are we waiting for? The Lord is coming soon, I dont know about you, but I wanna hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant "

Not for the faint of heart

Last night I had rehearsal for the song I'm singing for the memorial service today. It's been  a couple of years since I've sang in front of 400 people, so it was nervewracking. Even though I did it for years and years, going back to my "old" church to do it gave me a bit of anxiety. I've never sang at a funeral/memorial before so it's obviously emotional.
So to top off those emotions, and really start today off wrong, I had the worst nightmare ever this morning. Worst.
My sister Suz was my surrogate and ready to give birth. She was laboring just fine, and I watched as baby slowly moved down and started crowning. Except no one was around. I went screaming for the nurses saying baby's head is out! I ran back just in time to catch my baby. I didnt have an aspirator so I swabbed HIS mouth with my finger. But he quickly turned blue and the nurse came in, tried to get him to breathe, she took him to several docs as I'm screaming and he's blue. The docs called it. I remember saying, "wow, God must really not want me to have a baby right now " and then I remember my youngest sis saying no, not again, we've been through enough hell.
Then I woke up.
Now as I sit here crying, I've got such mixed emotions about that those statements. What a rollercoaster my family and friends have been on with me. How exhausting. They've been through hell with me. And yet I'm so so thankful for you all. What a blessing to be able to fall in a soft place and to have prayer warriors.

Last night I talked for 2.5 hours to the man that just lost his wife to cancer. He said, people keep asking me, how are you so calm? How come you arent bawling? His reply? " My God NEVER fails. His plan is perfect"

I want that kind of faith. That kind of confidence in out great and mighty Lord.

He hasnt FAILED.

cd1 1.26.11

This will be one helluva period. My lower back is on fire.

Negative Beta

( thank you girls for your support )
*stuffs head into pillow*

Period's a comin. I can feel it.

This is me. Dont I look pleasant?

This is what's goin on inside, currently, while I wait for my beta results that I know are negative.

and a little bit of this

4 BFNS

Nearly $5-6,000 ( i lost count ). 3 IUI's. 14 months. 2 Miscarriages. Gained weight thanks to endless drugs and hormones.

All for NOTHING.

My biggest regret? Not starting sooner.

This cycle I had fantastic numbers...and lots of hope. Doesnt mean a thing.

The thing I'm absolutely terrified of? Is that Brynlee will never have a sibling.

13dpiui

Stark White Negative

12dpiui Test

Negative. This is not happening.

11dpiui

Negative. Still Early. Will test again tomorrow mornin..

In the meantime, please pray for me. I've had 2 anxiety attacks in the last couple days. A lot goin on.

10dpiui

I got the urge to fold/organize and clean ALL of Bryn's clothes and repack them in their bins. All the way back to newborn clothes. I was throwing away bad ones, consigning the out of style ones and saving the rest. The whole time I was pleading with the Lord ( in my head )...give me this again Lord. Give me this again. As the clothes got smaller and smaller in size, the lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger.

Tomorrow's Monday, and I'll be 11dpiui. I dont have any pregnancy tests in the house, I may run to dollar tree and pick one up, otherwise Tuesday I'll test. I'm so ready to be off of progesterone..This stuff is awful. However, I did manage to eat good and workout this week, helping me lose 4lbs in 2 days.

I had my first pregnancy dream last night. I had a baby girl, named Ella, that looked a lot like Brynlee. I quickly realized and remembered that Ella wasnt the name I wanted, but it was __________( ya right, like I'd reveal it )
But I went through the names I want for my kids and it was indeed this one name. I called my mom and sisters to tell them I changed her name. I carried her around everywhere, like a doll.
The end.

Back to less important stuff...

1. Lash In A Flash did indeed send me another tube of their lash growing serum for FREE. $100 product. I can say I'm now seeing results after one month...so I do recommend it.

2. I just ordered Crest 3d Vivid White Whitestrips Professional. These are the highest grade you can buy off the shelves. Retails for $54...I snagged it for $29. I used whitestrips years ago, but i'm "upgrading" to these ones. Apparently you get results within 3 days.. I'll post results.

3. And while I'm at it, I'll pimp this product too. I've used it for years off and on, but I'm back at it, because frankly everyone looks better with a tan :) It's very very subtle.

Me after 2 DAYS of using it

4.. I'm back at the gym. I try to go 3-4 times a week, which is realistic for me. It feels good, even though I'm not currently losing because my ol friend progesterone doesnt allow me too.

All these things distract from the 2ww. Time to take care of ME.

zzzzzz study

My sleep study results are back, this is what it said:

I do not have obstructive sleep apnea

I stopped breathing 7 times that night

I have severe breathing abnormalties  

I have 94% oxygen intake

So I'm more confused than when I started! Seems like they contradict eachother lol

I go back to talk to the doc on the 7th. Bummed I have to wait that long.

In the meantime, I'm hopefully growing a baby, and please pray that

this has NO affect on doing so.

I am likely losing a dear friend today. She's battled cancer for many years and was recently diagnosed with liver failure. Her boys are dear friends of mine, she is a giant for God, and heaven will shortly be gaining an angel. Please pray for the Gordon family. My heart is breaking for them.

*edit*

I was there 3 minutes after Tona passed, per her son's request. Praise Jesus she's in heaven in her new body and  our Savior is rejoicing that she is home. Pray for them as the mourn. Pray for me as I sing at this much anticipated funeral...

Things to do! People to see! Places to go! Things to learn.

To Do's in the next 5 days:

Get my lil Brynlee better ( snot snot snot, accompanied with a cough )

Bleach all sheets

Make big ol' Valentine's Breakfast

Make/Plan meals for this week

Write in Bryn's baby book

Upholstery Class, along with the 2 pieces I'm redoing.
Buy/Choose Fabric for settee
Work out every other day
Doula Meeting
Bible Study
Easter Production Practice
Group Wine Tasting ( I'm along for the socializing, i dont have the palette! )
MOP wood floors
Scrub the tub/shower ( magic eraser, I'm tellin ya..)
Support friends who are losing a mother
Write a couple thank you cards
Decide on a camera to buy
Make Cookies with Bryn
Kiss my husband
Praise the Lord

I keep forgetting I'm in the 2ww. How's that for a praise, eh?

IUI done.

30 Million Healthy Happy Forward Moving Sperm. Praise the Lord, we are on our way. Now for the dreaded 2 week wait. I'll be startin progesterone on saturday to accompany my estrogen as usual.

Thank you thank you for the prayers. I thanked the Lord and prayed for you all on the way to the appt.

IUI tomorrow!

I went in today, telling the Lord, that I'd be fine if today wasnt the trigger day. I just took a big breath and said, it's in your hands.

To my shock and awe ( and my nurse ) i pulled out 2 wonderful follicles. In fact, the biggest in the near 5 years I've been there. A giant 25 and a good 17. I conceived Bryn on a 21 and 23 I believe, so we are all VERY encouraged and sooo relieved. I just cant believe how fast that grew in 2 days.

Thank you thank you for praying.

Please now, pray for Dan's counts. This of course is super important!!

IUI tomorrow at 11am! 

Weight

I joined an accountability group on facebook for gals wanting to eat better and work out more. My excuse is, I've let depression get me lazy. Besides the progesterone and estrogen making it hard to lose weight, I havent even tried hard. I did WW last year and did like it. But instead, this time, I joined a gym. It's super super cheap and only 'bout 6 minutes away. Reguardless if I get pregnant, I'm determined to lose inches. If I could do 5 lbs a month, I'd be a happy camper.

Michelle, and Karin, I'm still wanting to do a couch to 5k plan..you both inspire me

CD12 ultrasound

My right ovary is puttin out 2 follicles this cycle. The Left doesnt have anything quite big enough to watch. The smaller of the two is 14.5mm and the bigger is 16.6mm. They need to be over 21 for me to trigger.
So my prayer is, and please join me in this, that the smaller one plays catch up by Wednesday/Thursday. I'm so so hoping they are equal by the time I have my trigger shot. This is essential for this IUI. Also pray for Dan's counts.

Teaching Moment

Sometimes I forget how many lurkers there are reading this blog. I was reminded today :) I also forget that infertility talk is not the "norm" for most people. So I'll take this moment to teach for a sec.

Today I go in for my ultrasound for cd12 ( cycle day 12 ) to see where my follicles (cells that hold my eggs ) stand in size ( that's when the lovely dildo camera is used ). Now since I have mild PCOS ( poly cystic ovary syndrome ) My ultrasounds have a handful of cysts on each ovary, making it hard for me to distinguish whats a cyst and what's a follicle. I'm thankful for nurses. So this is what a typical ultrasound looks like for me:

Now that big one, that is close to ovulation, so that's what I"ll be likely on Wednesday or Thursday. My nurse then checks my lining of my uterus to make sure it's nice and thick ( thanks to the estrogen I take )
Then what?
 I usually produce 1 follicle on one ovary, and 2 on the other, and when they become big enough ( which is about 22-23mm) they give me what's commonly called a trigger shot. It's a shot of HCG that tells my body to ovulate!
I then will come in the next day, ready to fork out the big bucks and have my IUI.

2.6.11

The Lord spoke to me today.

He said "Surrender"
Just give it up to me, Steph.

It was very clear, and I will obey. I have incredible peace for this IUI #3.

Lash in a Flash

Remember I told you I bought that "lashinaflash" eyelash growing serum back in late December?
Well remember, it retails for 100 bucks a bottle. I wrote their customer service, because I havent seen big results like they promised. They ARE a bit better just this week. But I wanted to see if he'd refund me....because they have a money back guarantee.
 I immediately called me and asked me if I was using it twice a day, which I wasnt. He said he's so confident in the product he wants me to try it for another 4 weeks, afterall, I've only used it for 4.
I then wrote him back today, and said, hey I'm running low on it now, and want to try to keep it up. Can you help? He said yes, I'll ship you another tube out today. For free.

Now THAT is customer service. Stay Tuned.

I'm grumpy today ( maybe i need an a.m. orgasm, ha! ). Woke up with a Nyquil Hangover and Brynlee screaming while Dan tries to "handle" it. Fail.
To top it off, I log on to facebook and see one of Dan's cousins ( who has a kid Bryn's age, out of wedlock, single mom blah blah ) status update that says :


EXPECTING AGAIN!! I know, I know it's crazy isn't it? I can't believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here because it's obvious but wanted to make it official. I mean who would have guessed that we are expecting AGAIN!! Yup it's official. We are expecting SNOW AGAIN!! **Re-post if you have any sense of humor!!


I would have punched her in the face through the screen if I could of.


Big Breath.