Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Small update
We just moved from Salem, Oregon to Green River, WY. We are settling in well, and have a lot going on. I will add posts to this when I think of adoption thoughts, or have new experiences, but hopefully it will be more often then not. Thanks for your support and friendships!
Friday, August 15, 2008
To Cassandra
Cassie, You are a blessing to us! thank you for sharing your miracle with us!! We love you!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
My first week as a Mother!
Today marks a week since we were blessed with Baby C So many emotions have over come me this last week. We are so blessed. This morning I am reflecting back on the things I have learned about myself and the list will probably get longer as I have more experiences to compare it to...
1) One hour of "mommy" sleep is equivalent to three hours of regular sleep. I am amazed how I still find energy to go through the day on the sleep schedule I have had this past week!
2) Write things down. I have lost all sense of my memory it seems. I forget things like the date, day of the week and when I paid a bill last. I am going to go buy a day planner and start using it to help me remember all the important things....
3) Love at first sight does exist.
4) Feed baby Baby C 2oz at a time and then give him a 5-15 minute burping break before continuing or you will be covered in spit up.
5) Timing is important. To avoid getting a urine shower, it is important to be cautious and wait for a moment before stripping off his diaper.
6) Putting together a nursery is more complicated then it looks.
7) You need to remember to eat. I get so involved in Baby C that I forget to eat until it is too late and I am light headed and grumpy. (not a good combo, especially for joel) :)
8) Sleep when the baby does.
9) Bath time is fun!
10) I love Baby C and Joel more and more each day.
1) One hour of "mommy" sleep is equivalent to three hours of regular sleep. I am amazed how I still find energy to go through the day on the sleep schedule I have had this past week!
2) Write things down. I have lost all sense of my memory it seems. I forget things like the date, day of the week and when I paid a bill last. I am going to go buy a day planner and start using it to help me remember all the important things....
3) Love at first sight does exist.
4) Feed baby Baby C 2oz at a time and then give him a 5-15 minute burping break before continuing or you will be covered in spit up.
5) Timing is important. To avoid getting a urine shower, it is important to be cautious and wait for a moment before stripping off his diaper.
6) Putting together a nursery is more complicated then it looks.
7) You need to remember to eat. I get so involved in Baby C that I forget to eat until it is too late and I am light headed and grumpy. (not a good combo, especially for joel) :)
8) Sleep when the baby does.
9) Bath time is fun!
10) I love Baby C and Joel more and more each day.
Friday, August 8, 2008
We are Parents!
On Monday, August 4th, we received a phone call that changed our lives forever!! Our caseworker told us that we had been selected by a birthmother who wanted to place her baby with in our family. My first thoughts were that they mixed up the names of the adoptive couples and that this was all just a big mistake...I was happy that this miracle could come to someone, but I didn't think it was us. After confirming that, yes indeed we had been selected, I was in shock. I was at work when I had received the phone call and I broke down, right there in the hallway. One of my coworkers knew what was happening as I gave to the minute updates whenever I had one. She came out in the hall and held me as I cried tears of joy and love!! It was the most amazing experience ever.
Our caseworker told us that we would want to make sure we had enough supplies to last at least a night since there was a possibility that we would be bringing home a child the VERY NEXT DAY! Joel and I conversed over the phone during all of this, and we were both amazed. When I left work Monday I told everyone, "well, I might not ever be back to work...we will see what tomorrow brings!"
When I returned home, Joel and I embraced and cried tears of joy that our prayer were being answered and a miracle was happening right in front of our eyes...TO US! Our caseworker was careful to say that it wasn't clear that we would come home with the baby the next day, but to just be prepared in case.
After we gained control of our emotions again, we rushed to Target to buy the items we would need. It was so much fun! We didn't want to buy a lot because we knew that there was a chance that we wouldn't leave with the baby. We had FHE Monday night with a few of our friends, so I had created a fun display and covered it up with a blanket. After the lesson I made an announcement and removed the blanket. Our friends were so excited! Needless to say I couldn't sleep that night. I kept thinking of all the possibly situations and outcomes...I didn't eat at all on Monday (minus one black raspberry and coconut Italian soda)...
Tuesday came and I was a wreck. Nervous, sick to my tummy, and just anxious. We didn't know anything about the birth mother or baby....there were so many questions and concerns...would she really like us once she met us?...would we be able to make a quick connection?...what does she want from us?...
We prepared the car, said a prayer, and took what felt like the longest drive in the history of the world to the LDS service agency in Tigard. We arrived nervous, scared, and excited. I kept thinking that this type of thing doesn't happen very often. Usually with this agency you are selected before the child is born and work to build a strong relationship with the birth mother hoping she doesn't change her mind...all the while, buying and preparing. (Joel and I liked this way much better because it was less stressful for us) We were in with our caseworker when Cassandra, her baby boy, and her parents pulled up and walked in the agency. From the moment I saw her, I knew that she would be a part of our lives forever.
I was so nervous waiting to meet her...what questions should I ask?...is it going to be weird?...what if, how long, why?....
All my worries were removed the moment we walked hand in hand into the room where she was waiting. We walked in a happily married couple and left a mommy and daddy. I was so amazed at the spirit that our Cassandra had with her. She was perfect. Beauty that can't be described. Gorgeous. And her baby.......wow!!! I was instantly in love. After talking with her and her family for a while, we were asked to step out of the room for a while so that they could have time to talk things over and figure out what they would like to do. A few moments later, a knock at the door of the office we were in came....SHE WANTS YOU TO BE THE PARENTS! I am sure the whole building heard me crying the second those words were uttered. Our caseworker felt our joy and left Joel and I to have a moment by ourselves. We both cried together, right there in the office, and just kept saying, "we are finally parents! We have a son!" It was amazing. The spirit was so strong and our hearts were so full. After a few moments, I grabbed my camera and walked into the room looking like a truck had hit me...I was an emotional wreck, but in a good way. I never dreamed that this day would have come so quickly. I wanted to hold Cassandra and never let her go. Wow...I was a mother, just like that! It was beautiful. But still, my heart broke for her...to give up such a miracle is no easy feat. In fact, I would imagine that it was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding experience she may ever have in this life. The most hardest part of this whole experience was asking Cassandra if we had her permission to change the name of her baby boy. I will never forget the moment when, after a few moments of silence and some tears, she was able to muster out "yes. That will be fine with me."
We took pictures, said thank you, gave hugs, and then they left the room. Again tears...
We spent the next hour finishing our paperwork and marveling in the beauty of our Son. We put him in the car seat, turned on the AC in our car and began our journey home. By the end of the day I was so sick of talking on the phone that I almost threw mine out the car window...but at least the news was good!! Tuesday night we were blessed to have many visitors who came to congratulate us and see our new addition.
It has been the most amazing week of my life!! Baby C....what a hunk!
I know that the spirit of the Lord guided us to each other...as Joel and I spent time reflecting on the last year that we spent preparing for adoption, we calculated that Cassie conceived Baby C almost to the week that we decided to begin our paperwork. We know, the Lord played a vital role in bringing us together and are forever grateful for the gospel and what it teaches us about eternal families! We hope and pray that Cassie and her family will be with us as we are with them, and create a bond that will allow us to stay close forever! I can't wait until we are able to be sealed to Baby C for time and all eternity. Our hope is to have my Uncle Laurel (who sealed us together in marriage) be the officiator again for this beautiful experience we are going to be blessed to have.
We are excited to learn more about our Cassie and teach Baby C about the amazing sacrifice she made for him!
CASSIE WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!
Our caseworker told us that we would want to make sure we had enough supplies to last at least a night since there was a possibility that we would be bringing home a child the VERY NEXT DAY! Joel and I conversed over the phone during all of this, and we were both amazed. When I left work Monday I told everyone, "well, I might not ever be back to work...we will see what tomorrow brings!"
When I returned home, Joel and I embraced and cried tears of joy that our prayer were being answered and a miracle was happening right in front of our eyes...TO US! Our caseworker was careful to say that it wasn't clear that we would come home with the baby the next day, but to just be prepared in case.
After we gained control of our emotions again, we rushed to Target to buy the items we would need. It was so much fun! We didn't want to buy a lot because we knew that there was a chance that we wouldn't leave with the baby. We had FHE Monday night with a few of our friends, so I had created a fun display and covered it up with a blanket. After the lesson I made an announcement and removed the blanket. Our friends were so excited! Needless to say I couldn't sleep that night. I kept thinking of all the possibly situations and outcomes...I didn't eat at all on Monday (minus one black raspberry and coconut Italian soda)...
Tuesday came and I was a wreck. Nervous, sick to my tummy, and just anxious. We didn't know anything about the birth mother or baby....there were so many questions and concerns...would she really like us once she met us?...would we be able to make a quick connection?...what does she want from us?...
We prepared the car, said a prayer, and took what felt like the longest drive in the history of the world to the LDS service agency in Tigard. We arrived nervous, scared, and excited. I kept thinking that this type of thing doesn't happen very often. Usually with this agency you are selected before the child is born and work to build a strong relationship with the birth mother hoping she doesn't change her mind...all the while, buying and preparing. (Joel and I liked this way much better because it was less stressful for us) We were in with our caseworker when Cassandra, her baby boy, and her parents pulled up and walked in the agency. From the moment I saw her, I knew that she would be a part of our lives forever.
I was so nervous waiting to meet her...what questions should I ask?...is it going to be weird?...what if, how long, why?....
All my worries were removed the moment we walked hand in hand into the room where she was waiting. We walked in a happily married couple and left a mommy and daddy. I was so amazed at the spirit that our Cassandra had with her. She was perfect. Beauty that can't be described. Gorgeous. And her baby.......wow!!! I was instantly in love. After talking with her and her family for a while, we were asked to step out of the room for a while so that they could have time to talk things over and figure out what they would like to do. A few moments later, a knock at the door of the office we were in came....SHE WANTS YOU TO BE THE PARENTS! I am sure the whole building heard me crying the second those words were uttered. Our caseworker felt our joy and left Joel and I to have a moment by ourselves. We both cried together, right there in the office, and just kept saying, "we are finally parents! We have a son!" It was amazing. The spirit was so strong and our hearts were so full. After a few moments, I grabbed my camera and walked into the room looking like a truck had hit me...I was an emotional wreck, but in a good way. I never dreamed that this day would have come so quickly. I wanted to hold Cassandra and never let her go. Wow...I was a mother, just like that! It was beautiful. But still, my heart broke for her...to give up such a miracle is no easy feat. In fact, I would imagine that it was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding experience she may ever have in this life. The most hardest part of this whole experience was asking Cassandra if we had her permission to change the name of her baby boy. I will never forget the moment when, after a few moments of silence and some tears, she was able to muster out "yes. That will be fine with me."
We took pictures, said thank you, gave hugs, and then they left the room. Again tears...
We spent the next hour finishing our paperwork and marveling in the beauty of our Son. We put him in the car seat, turned on the AC in our car and began our journey home. By the end of the day I was so sick of talking on the phone that I almost threw mine out the car window...but at least the news was good!! Tuesday night we were blessed to have many visitors who came to congratulate us and see our new addition.
It has been the most amazing week of my life!! Baby C....what a hunk!
I know that the spirit of the Lord guided us to each other...as Joel and I spent time reflecting on the last year that we spent preparing for adoption, we calculated that Cassie conceived Baby C almost to the week that we decided to begin our paperwork. We know, the Lord played a vital role in bringing us together and are forever grateful for the gospel and what it teaches us about eternal families! We hope and pray that Cassie and her family will be with us as we are with them, and create a bond that will allow us to stay close forever! I can't wait until we are able to be sealed to Baby C for time and all eternity. Our hope is to have my Uncle Laurel (who sealed us together in marriage) be the officiator again for this beautiful experience we are going to be blessed to have.
We are excited to learn more about our Cassie and teach Baby C about the amazing sacrifice she made for him!
CASSIE WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Update....
Well, there isn't much to update anyone on just yet, but life is still moving forward. We have started working on our parent profile site and hope to have that up and running by September. We will also be creating our adoption cards to send out soon as well. With all that, hopefully something will start creating inquiries! But we will wait patiently until our baby finds us!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Officially Waiting
Well, we have officially be put on the LDS Family Services website and are working on our profile for Parent Profiles. We are excited and have had a lot of leads....none of them have actually worked out, but at least we know there are people out there thinking of us! Thank you for all your support and prayers! I will try to continue to update as time allows! but for now....we just wait!
Joel and Lila
Joel and Lila
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Week EIGHT!!
I am happy to announce that we have been approved by the board and are now officially "IN THE POOL"!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited to be able to be in the "waiting" group now...makes things very real and closer than ever to having a baby! We met with our caseworker today and he read us our homestudy and then told us that we are ready to go! We set a meeting for three months down the road and will talk then to see how things are going. I worked on our LDS profile page, and will get it set up tomorrow so that people can find us....
YEAH!!
I am so excited to be able to be in the "waiting" group now...makes things very real and closer than ever to having a baby! We met with our caseworker today and he read us our homestudy and then told us that we are ready to go! We set a meeting for three months down the road and will talk then to see how things are going. I worked on our LDS profile page, and will get it set up tomorrow so that people can find us....
YEAH!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Week Seven
After a major concern that we might have had to postpone our homestudy until July, we were blessed with a miracle. Let me explain:
Last Thursday Joel was notified that he had a job interview scheduled to take place on June 12th...yeah the same day as the homestudy...and the interview happens to be in Alaska. The minute I comprehended that we would not be able to do our homestudy, I began to cry and was very upset. After all, we have been waiting almost three weeks for this to happen, and our schedules are crazy the remainder of the month, so we would have had to push it back until July. Being the overly concerned person that I tend to be, I pondered what our possibilities were. After a day of thinking, I called our caseworker to reschedule.
Before when we had scheduled our homestudy, the only day that seemed to work was the 12th, however when I spoke with our caseworker on the phone he said that he could do our homestudy Wednesday morning instead. I believe that it is truly a miracle because not only do we get to take care of it before we leave for Alaska, but we both have the day off on Wednesday, so we don't have to worry about arranging that!
Now, I am not saying it is going to be easy because our have our homestudy at 8:30 and then we leave for the airport at 2:00 to catch our flight to Anchorage. I hope that i can zone enough to relax and enjoy life....
In other news: we printed the two pictures for our collage because we were not able to get a portrait picture done in time to replace the one below....they turned out okay, but the picture quality got a little skewed and the pictures are slightly blurry. I don't think it will be a big deal, after-all, we will use different profile picture if possible for our online site.
Thank you for all your support! We are finally seeing the light and are able to picture ourselves being parents sooner than ever!!!
Last Thursday Joel was notified that he had a job interview scheduled to take place on June 12th...yeah the same day as the homestudy...and the interview happens to be in Alaska. The minute I comprehended that we would not be able to do our homestudy, I began to cry and was very upset. After all, we have been waiting almost three weeks for this to happen, and our schedules are crazy the remainder of the month, so we would have had to push it back until July. Being the overly concerned person that I tend to be, I pondered what our possibilities were. After a day of thinking, I called our caseworker to reschedule.
Before when we had scheduled our homestudy, the only day that seemed to work was the 12th, however when I spoke with our caseworker on the phone he said that he could do our homestudy Wednesday morning instead. I believe that it is truly a miracle because not only do we get to take care of it before we leave for Alaska, but we both have the day off on Wednesday, so we don't have to worry about arranging that!
Now, I am not saying it is going to be easy because our have our homestudy at 8:30 and then we leave for the airport at 2:00 to catch our flight to Anchorage. I hope that i can zone enough to relax and enjoy life....
In other news: we printed the two pictures for our collage because we were not able to get a portrait picture done in time to replace the one below....they turned out okay, but the picture quality got a little skewed and the pictures are slightly blurry. I don't think it will be a big deal, after-all, we will use different profile picture if possible for our online site.
Thank you for all your support! We are finally seeing the light and are able to picture ourselves being parents sooner than ever!!!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
What do you think??
As part of our final process, we have to put together a photo collage and a portrait style picture. Since I have no idea what these actually should look like, I just took a stab in the dark. I would really appreciate feedback from everyone to let me know if you think this is what they are talking about. I am planning on just printing them as 8x10 pictures and turning them in that way, possibly matted, but I don't really know right now.....Joel doesn't really like the portrait picture because he thinks he look odd, but I like it...the only down side to this is that I cut my hair two weeks ago, and it is no longer this long...but we just haven't had time to get any new pictures with it. If I can get some pictures before next Thursday, I may switch out the profile picture...anyway, advice please!!!!Sunday, June 1, 2008
Week 6...
Well, I have nothing new to report this week except that I am getting frustrated because I am not able to get a good picture of Joel and I for our Portrait profile/picture collage thing. I have attempted to take a few pictures of the two of us, but am just getting mad because I am not able to create a great shot...it is one thing to take great pictures of other people, but as a photographer, I am so frustrated that I can't get a shot of us together...I am stubborn though, and don't really want to pay someone to do something that people pay me for. Sigh, oh well.
June 12th is our big day. We have been rearranging and trying to clean the more time consuming areas this weekend. I hope that the homestudy goes well. I have taken the day of the homestudy off as well as half of the day before...I hope that I can keep myself composed and put together for this.
But, I have a question....should I go purchase child locks and put them in our cabinets? I know that we will express that we will do that once we get a child, but should I do it in advance to prove that we are prepared?
June 12th is our big day. We have been rearranging and trying to clean the more time consuming areas this weekend. I hope that the homestudy goes well. I have taken the day of the homestudy off as well as half of the day before...I hope that I can keep myself composed and put together for this.
But, I have a question....should I go purchase child locks and put them in our cabinets? I know that we will express that we will do that once we get a child, but should I do it in advance to prove that we are prepared?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Week Five....
We met with our caseworker this afternoon...and boy was I sweating bullets thinking about our meeting today. It was the weirdest thing, but I recall having thoughts this morning that were questioning whether we were making the right choice by going through adoption....weird huh? The main reason I was having those thoughts is because our deposit was due today, and it is a non-refundable amount of $1000.00. Technically, we could get rejected from the agency and be out that money...I know that wont happen, but that will always be lingering in my mind until we have been "approved". Ugh, it is a bit too much to think about right now.
Anyhow, today's visit was kind of weird because our caseworker has us read our questionnaire answers aloud and then asks us any questions that he may have regarding what was said. Right from the get go, I knew I would feel uncomfortable because the very first question asks you to state your strengths and weaknesses...and guess who had to go first...ME!
So as I was reading verbatim what i had written weeks before, I couldn't help but feel like I was an awful person for having a weakness. (I know, totally ridiculous, but true) I was being 110% honest with my answers and trying to explain myself in my writing, but then, inevitability there has to be questions to follow making sure everything is under control. So what was my weakness? Well, the only one I could really think of that was serious, and that would be the fact that I get frustrated sometimes and have to leave the room to calm down....now those of you who know me, understand that I have to gather my thoughts so that I don't say something stupid, but it was so hard being asked questions like: "and what do you do when you get frustrated? do you hit, push, name call?" It was so awkward to try to explain that when I get frustrated, I don't do or say anything differently then I would if I were calm, I just talk with a louder tone. I decided that this is probably the worse part of the process thus far because I am just being honest and trying to say things how they are, and I don't have the answers to a lot of my problems, it is just how I have grown up and things happen....
Another part that was really hard was when I had to explain our infertility to him and what endometriosis was, and what type of pain I experience...I can't really explain this too much because the pain can't be put into words...especially when I am trying to tell it to a guy. It was really difficult. Not only that, but it was also hard to explain that a lot of my depression comes from not being able to have children...
It was a crazy experience for me...I don't know how Joel felt, but I just want to cry because I didn't realize it was going to be this hard. Everything up to this point has been great...I feel like we have accomplished a lot and are flying through this...but today was a reality check I guess, because I am taken back by emotion and thought.
After we were finished with over half of the questions, we ended for the day. Our next meeting will be here in our home for our home study and we will finish the questionnaires, turn in our letter to the birth mother, and turn in our Photo Portfolio. Oh, that will be June 12th at 8:30am!!
One other thing that was kind of a downer for me, was when our caseworker said that he is pretty behind on his home study reports...he said that he has one couple who has been waiting for almost a month to hear back from him....I hope by the time we have our home study that he will be caught up, because if I have to wait that long to be approved, I will probably have a nervous breakdown and have to go to the loony bin!
Well, as always, today is another day and we are closer to our goal than ever!
Anyhow, today's visit was kind of weird because our caseworker has us read our questionnaire answers aloud and then asks us any questions that he may have regarding what was said. Right from the get go, I knew I would feel uncomfortable because the very first question asks you to state your strengths and weaknesses...and guess who had to go first...ME!
So as I was reading verbatim what i had written weeks before, I couldn't help but feel like I was an awful person for having a weakness. (I know, totally ridiculous, but true) I was being 110% honest with my answers and trying to explain myself in my writing, but then, inevitability there has to be questions to follow making sure everything is under control. So what was my weakness? Well, the only one I could really think of that was serious, and that would be the fact that I get frustrated sometimes and have to leave the room to calm down....now those of you who know me, understand that I have to gather my thoughts so that I don't say something stupid, but it was so hard being asked questions like: "and what do you do when you get frustrated? do you hit, push, name call?" It was so awkward to try to explain that when I get frustrated, I don't do or say anything differently then I would if I were calm, I just talk with a louder tone. I decided that this is probably the worse part of the process thus far because I am just being honest and trying to say things how they are, and I don't have the answers to a lot of my problems, it is just how I have grown up and things happen....
Another part that was really hard was when I had to explain our infertility to him and what endometriosis was, and what type of pain I experience...I can't really explain this too much because the pain can't be put into words...especially when I am trying to tell it to a guy. It was really difficult. Not only that, but it was also hard to explain that a lot of my depression comes from not being able to have children...
It was a crazy experience for me...I don't know how Joel felt, but I just want to cry because I didn't realize it was going to be this hard. Everything up to this point has been great...I feel like we have accomplished a lot and are flying through this...but today was a reality check I guess, because I am taken back by emotion and thought.
After we were finished with over half of the questions, we ended for the day. Our next meeting will be here in our home for our home study and we will finish the questionnaires, turn in our letter to the birth mother, and turn in our Photo Portfolio. Oh, that will be June 12th at 8:30am!!
One other thing that was kind of a downer for me, was when our caseworker said that he is pretty behind on his home study reports...he said that he has one couple who has been waiting for almost a month to hear back from him....I hope by the time we have our home study that he will be caught up, because if I have to wait that long to be approved, I will probably have a nervous breakdown and have to go to the loony bin!
Well, as always, today is another day and we are closer to our goal than ever!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Anxious & Excited!!
Well, tonight I am very anxious and excited because we are scheduled to meet with our caseworker for the last time (before the home study) tomorrow afternoon!! I feel like we have accomplished a lot to be able to have everything turned in and signed off on tomorrow! Really, I am completely filled with joy beyond expression. With tomorrow's meeting, we also pay our dues and can't turn back...if you think about it, that is kind of scary because it is literally just the beginning of what could be a VERY VERY long wait...that could end up unsuccessful. I don't mean to seem negative, but my bother and sister in laws are both going through LDS family services and are almost about to expire (meaning they have been waiting for two years without a placement). The concept of waiting and not getting a baby brings a little worry to my mind, but I honestly feel that our baby is close, close is my time or Gods, I do not know.
Did any of you feel that same way? I would love to hear how you felt at this stage and if you have any advice to help us avoid worry and stay positive while waiting.
I know that the next few months will be the hardest, but also the most fulfilling because, as mentioned in an earlier post, I feel more excited than ever because I KNOW that someday I will be able to be a mom and have the title of "mommy".
Thank you for all the support and the comments that are made on these posts, it really means a lot to me to know that I have a support system, and most importantly, that I have examples to follow.
Did any of you feel that same way? I would love to hear how you felt at this stage and if you have any advice to help us avoid worry and stay positive while waiting.
I know that the next few months will be the hardest, but also the most fulfilling because, as mentioned in an earlier post, I feel more excited than ever because I KNOW that someday I will be able to be a mom and have the title of "mommy".
Thank you for all the support and the comments that are made on these posts, it really means a lot to me to know that I have a support system, and most importantly, that I have examples to follow.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Mother's Day is the Hardest Day...
I can't wait for the time to come when I wont feel depressed on mother's day. For years now, I have had nothing to look forward to on mother's day except the awkwardness of being forced to take a flower because "you are a mother, but just in a different way." This year, it was extra hard for me because it was also my birthday...what a bummer...a birthday and mother's day all at once. Oh, not to mention that Joel was also very very sick, giving me the chance to clean up the throw-up and give him my undivided attention. I love to serve Joel, but when it is on the birthday, it is kind of sad. It was honestly one of the worst days I have had in a long time, but such is life sometimes! I have been through worse in different degrees...
Well, I have been reflecting lately on the possibility of being able to be a mother soon. I know that it can take a long time to get a placement once the adoption papers are in, but I have so much excitement and desire to get the show on the road! I have dreams, almost nightly, of a baby coming to us soon...I wake up excited to be one day closer to the home study because once that is over, we are in!!! I picture the day that we get selected by a birth mother and are there at the hospital gazing into our babies eyes. It is honestly so nice to have such joy among all the pain and afflictions I deal with on a daily basis.
I have a lot of friends preparing to have their babies this summer...most of whom are on their second, third or fourth child...although I have some sadness from this, the thing that makes me most excited is that one of my dearest friends has invited me into the delivery room to experience the joy that comes from having a baby. I don't know if this friend knows how much it means to me, but I honestly start to tear up a little when I think of the opportunity I am going to have.
I love being blessed with such great friends who, despite different lifestyles and number of children, have compassion and love towards me and Joel. It makes this trial a little less painful to endure on a day to day basis. Thank you, I love you so much!
Well, I have been reflecting lately on the possibility of being able to be a mother soon. I know that it can take a long time to get a placement once the adoption papers are in, but I have so much excitement and desire to get the show on the road! I have dreams, almost nightly, of a baby coming to us soon...I wake up excited to be one day closer to the home study because once that is over, we are in!!! I picture the day that we get selected by a birth mother and are there at the hospital gazing into our babies eyes. It is honestly so nice to have such joy among all the pain and afflictions I deal with on a daily basis.
I have a lot of friends preparing to have their babies this summer...most of whom are on their second, third or fourth child...although I have some sadness from this, the thing that makes me most excited is that one of my dearest friends has invited me into the delivery room to experience the joy that comes from having a baby. I don't know if this friend knows how much it means to me, but I honestly start to tear up a little when I think of the opportunity I am going to have.
I love being blessed with such great friends who, despite different lifestyles and number of children, have compassion and love towards me and Joel. It makes this trial a little less painful to endure on a day to day basis. Thank you, I love you so much!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Week Four
Well, the good news is that we might be in the "pool" sooner than expected...we met with our caseworker today, and things are well on there way! We tackled the fingerprinting, got our physicals, and have almost everything done (As far as paperwork goes). We will meet again with our casework on May 22nd, at which point we will have our questionnaires complete...which will only leave the following to have done for the following visit, which will be the homestudy:
Letter to the Birthmother
Portrait & collage of us
That isn't too shabby! I am surprised how quickly things are going. I am very excited. It has been interesting going through this process because I have learned a lot about myself. I know that I will love whatever child, no matter the ethnic or cultural, background they come from. Joel and I joke around saying that we will have to adopt twins (which would be AMAZING!!!) so that we wont fight over holding, feeding, and tending to our baby...with twins, the love will doubled, and most importantly, we will both always have our arms full! Wouldn't that be the coolest thing?? YES IT WOULD!!
Letter to the Birthmother
Portrait & collage of us
That isn't too shabby! I am surprised how quickly things are going. I am very excited. It has been interesting going through this process because I have learned a lot about myself. I know that I will love whatever child, no matter the ethnic or cultural, background they come from. Joel and I joke around saying that we will have to adopt twins (which would be AMAZING!!!) so that we wont fight over holding, feeding, and tending to our baby...with twins, the love will doubled, and most importantly, we will both always have our arms full! Wouldn't that be the coolest thing?? YES IT WOULD!!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Week Three...
Oh dear...one week to go until we meet with our caseworker again. Nothing new to report this week. We are going to get finger prints and background checks tomorrow, our physicals are on Monday, and then we have to scurry to compile everything for Thursday. I am very excited because we are closer than ever!! I can't wait to begin waiting, because then I will have more hope than ever that someday, who knows when, but someday in the future, we will be parents...a mommy and a daddy! (and I wont have to work any more!!!)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Week Two
I have no idea where the week went...before I knew it, it was Sunday, crazy! Week two, for me, was the start of a hard process. I have been trying to focus on the 43 question questionnaire. After spending all my free time on it for two days, I am only at question 12 (skipping a few inbetween)...I have been trying to get Joel to focus on it because I feel that this is the hardest part of the paperwork, so hopefully someday soon he will. We meet with our casework again May 8th, we need to have our fingerprinting and background check stuff done and ready to be turned in by then.....(that is our goal anyway). If we can stick to the plan, the only things we will have left to work on would be our photo profiles and letter to the birth mother, wouldn't that be great!
My birthday is on Mother's Day this year, and I hope it is the last mother's day I have to go through without a child. I get very sad on mother's day because that is something I have always dreamed to be called. Hopefully my birthday isn't a bust this year.....
My birthday is on Mother's Day this year, and I hope it is the last mother's day I have to go through without a child. I get very sad on mother's day because that is something I have always dreamed to be called. Hopefully my birthday isn't a bust this year.....
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Week One
Tomorrow will mark the first week since we met with our caseworker. We got all the paperwork and direction we needed and were treated with readings from our referrals. It was very heartwarming and since I have been blessed with a sensitive spirit, it didn't take long for my eyes to moisten and tears to roll ever so gently down my cheeks. We have set a goal to have all our paper work and home study procedures complete by July 1st. (If you do the math that is about eleven weeks) I think that is a good time line to set, and hopefully we will be done before then. My goals are to update our weekly progress to help stay motivated and to express my feelings as much as I can. So without further adieu, here is what we have accomplished in week one:
- Employment Verification
- Tax Forms compiled
- Marriage license collected
- Physicals scheduled (for May 5th)
- All online forms complete, with the exception of the questionnaires
- A plan for getting out background checks and finger prints done
Not too bad for the first week, right?!?! We are working on filling out our questionnaires, and will soon begin our letter to the birth mother. What an amazing experience we are involved in. My heart is so full and I am so humbled by this experience. I have found myself talking to all my co-workers and friends about what we are going through and the happiness I know I will have. I love telling my co-workers that the minute I get the news that we have been selected by a birth mother to parent her child, I will put in my notice at work and have uncontrollable joy! I honestly can't wait to be a full-time mom! Bring on the crying, diapers and immense loads of laundry. I am ready and waiting!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
My perspective, by Joel
So I’ve wanted to write something here for a while to share some of my thoughts. We’ve wanted a child since soon after we were married. Ideally, I wanted to come home from
When it became apparent that we weren’t going to have a baby I wasn’t too worried at first. My attitude was, we’ll get that blessing when the Lord is ready to give it to us and that’s that. We briefly chatted about the idea of adoption here or there but never seriously until more recently.
I had concerns about adopting and the idea didn’t really appeal to me initially. I had a vague notion that the baby wouldn’t feel like it was ours or something like that. I honestly didn’t give it a lot of thought until I overheard Lila talking about it with my cousin one evening. I was reading a book to her daughter, Siosi, while in another room she was telling Lila that it was time for us to adopt and to not put it off any longer. She was talking to Lila, but as I eavesdropped, the message was really sinking in on me. Suddenly I realized that I was excited to adopt and have our child. I realized that once we had the child, it would be as much ours as any one else’s baby is theirs. I realized that we would be sealed together and that our family would be every bit as real as any other.
I had a vision, like a dream but I was awake, where I pictured me, Lila, and a young baby in the temple being sealed together for time and eternity. I felt so happy as I watched that. It was like I was watching it happen from the eyes of someone else in the room. Then I pictured me, Lila, and our new baby standing in front of the temple posing as someone was taking our picture. I can still picture it now and I get excited whenever I think about it. That will be one of the happiest moments of my life when it happens.
Recently someone pointed something out to me that I’ve been thinking about. They pointed out that I seem to like babies more than most guys. I love holding our friends’ newborns and playing with their kids who are old enough to play with. I am so glad that I like babies and little kids so much. I guess I have a lot of fatherly love that I am ready to pour onto our own baby. I can’t wait to hold our little bundle of joy in my arms!
Today Lila and I were on a road trip and she had a new CD and book about adoption with adoption songs and stories. As we listened to the songs I could feel my eyes start to water and I could feel myself getting a little emotional. This is out of the ordinary as I am not one to cry very much. But as I listened to the beautiful words of some of those songs, I couldn’t help it. It made me so happy to think about the miracle we will soon have.
Somewhere out there, there is or there will be a young woman who loves her baby so much and knows she can’t currently give it the life it deserves. She is probably troubled and wants to do the best thing for her baby. She’ll make the difficult choice to give her precious baby to us and will be doing us a greater service than she can imagine. We will be so glad, and we will love her so much for the choice she’s made. For the rest of time and eternity we will be ever grateful for that gift. I am so glad that this possibility is out there for us. I am so grateful for my understanding of God’s great Plan of Salvation, whereby we will have the opportunity to be parents - in this life and the next - to beautiful children who can truly be our very own.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I Would Die For That
I have posted this on our main blog, but I feel that it is another example to explain my feelings.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
My inspiration....
This song has always been a part of me. When I was a young girl and had heard this song on a Michael McLean tape, I would always want to rewind it and sing it over and over. My mother thought that it was pretty strange because out of all the uplifting songs that were on the tape, this one was the only one I wanted to hear. I didn't realize until a few years ago what this song was actually about...but I do know that this song is what plays in my mind when I think of the joys and struggles of adoption. I feel very strongly that my life has been guided so carefully to be prepared for this point in my life. Looking back over the years, I can see that God has had a plan and has given me the guidance I need to be prepared for this life changing event. I haven't found the actual song yet to share with you, but I have posted the lyrics, so you can see where my heart is. By the way, we meet with our caseworker April 10th!!
From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours
So many wrong decisions in my past,
I'm not quite sure if I could ever hope to trust my judgment anymore.
But lately I've been thinking, because it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
And maybe you can tell your baby when you love him so
that he's been loved before
by someone who delivered your son
from God's arms to my arms to yours.
And if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know
how the one who gave him life could bear to let him go,
just tell him there was sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor
and knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.
And maybe you can tell your baby when you love him so
that he's been loved before
by someone who delivered your son
from God's arms to my arms to yours.
I know that you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me
the first time that he ties his shoe or falls or skins his knees?
and could you hold him twice as long when he makes his first mistake
and try to tell him that he's not alone? Sometimes that's all it takes.
And he's not alone. I know how much he'll ache.
And maybe you can tell your baby when you love him so
that he's been loved before
by someone who delivered your son
from God's arms to my arms to yours.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me
and I'm not on a soap box singing how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above,
and I'm trusting that you can give this baby both his mother's love.
by Michael McLean <©> 1990
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A little ray of hope!!
I spoke with the adoption agency this afternoon and they have received all of our references! Hopefully I will be contacted tomorrow to set up the first meeting to begin the PAPERWORK.... finally, at least some sort of motion on this...I wasn't expecting the waiting game to begin so early in the process...One foot in front of the other! Thank you for all the support, I know I will need it as the months roll on!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Enduring through the tears
Here I sit late in the night, unable to sleep. My mind is torn with emotion today. Days like today are pretty normal for me, I just try not to let my emotions show as strongly as they actually are. I cry alone, so no one can see, and then once the relief has come, I look forward to the new day that awaits me in the morning.
I have been spending the last week researching blog sites of others that have walked the road I am on, and who can give advise and comfort to me...it is interesting how one person's experience can be the exact thing that you have been struggling to understand. Even though I do not personally know the people I search out, the moment I read their stories I feel an instant connection.
I just want to say to those who have had the guidance to share their stories, Thank you! I know that I am not alone and that the questions I have are easily answered through others. With the right perspective, peace and comfort come over my soul, calming me and clearing my mind from an uncontrollable rage of thought.
My heart always seems to melt when I see my dear sweetheart holding a baby or playing with a toddler. It is just recently that he has shown a desire to interact with our little friends without coaxing...I am seeing a change in his heart and it makes me so happy and yet so sad. Happy because I know that someday in the near future we will be able to have a family to love and to teach, to smoother with love, and to cuddle with always. But I get sad because I am not able to give him a child of our own flesh and blood at this time, I am not able to create the miracle inside of myself. From the time I was old enough to hold a baby by myself, I have dreamed of the perfect life; a husband who loves me and I love him, a successful career that provides enough income to support a stay-at-home mom, going through the stages of pregnancy, and bearing a child. As a kid and youth, no one ever prepared me for the thought of "what if problems arise..." I was always taught, life will be happily-ever-after(with a few bumps along the way) when you find your soul mate and get married...raise a family and being a mom has been my dream; I am living for the opportunity to hold my child in my arms, to kiss their forehead, and to put a band aide on their boo boos. I yearn to whisper sweet sayings into their ears, and to rock them to sleep...not to mention to be seen in public as a family, happy, loving, and complete. I have my happily-ever...just waiting for my AFTER....
Being at the beginning of the adoption process is so humbling for me...I can not deny the power of the Spirit the day I knew we were to pursue adoption. The moment is so precious in my heart because I had never felt so helpless and in need of our Heavenly Father's love and understanding ever before in my life. (I would love to share this moment with you, but it is hard for me to put into words at this point in time...ask me and I will share it with you) It was the day of this that I knew that we were to pursue adoption long before we actually began the process, but the time wasn't right then...I was being prepared for the process we are embarking on now. The most amazing thing about all of this, is that I know I am being guided by the Lord, and I know that our baby will come to us when the time is right.
Here are some of my concerns/questions:
1. Open adoption: pros and cons, do or don't
2. Being accepted by others (us as a family, my sweet baby, etc)
3. Explaining to my sweet baby how we were so blessed to have them in our lives, and that they are our children
4. Gaining enough patience to make it through this long road
Thanks for listening/reading through my emotions...sometimes I just need to vent, in hopes that I can collect my thoughts and find answers to my questions.
I have been spending the last week researching blog sites of others that have walked the road I am on, and who can give advise and comfort to me...it is interesting how one person's experience can be the exact thing that you have been struggling to understand. Even though I do not personally know the people I search out, the moment I read their stories I feel an instant connection.
I just want to say to those who have had the guidance to share their stories, Thank you! I know that I am not alone and that the questions I have are easily answered through others. With the right perspective, peace and comfort come over my soul, calming me and clearing my mind from an uncontrollable rage of thought.
My heart always seems to melt when I see my dear sweetheart holding a baby or playing with a toddler. It is just recently that he has shown a desire to interact with our little friends without coaxing...I am seeing a change in his heart and it makes me so happy and yet so sad. Happy because I know that someday in the near future we will be able to have a family to love and to teach, to smoother with love, and to cuddle with always. But I get sad because I am not able to give him a child of our own flesh and blood at this time, I am not able to create the miracle inside of myself. From the time I was old enough to hold a baby by myself, I have dreamed of the perfect life; a husband who loves me and I love him, a successful career that provides enough income to support a stay-at-home mom, going through the stages of pregnancy, and bearing a child. As a kid and youth, no one ever prepared me for the thought of "what if problems arise..." I was always taught, life will be happily-ever-after(with a few bumps along the way) when you find your soul mate and get married...raise a family and being a mom has been my dream; I am living for the opportunity to hold my child in my arms, to kiss their forehead, and to put a band aide on their boo boos. I yearn to whisper sweet sayings into their ears, and to rock them to sleep...not to mention to be seen in public as a family, happy, loving, and complete. I have my happily-ever...just waiting for my AFTER....
Being at the beginning of the adoption process is so humbling for me...I can not deny the power of the Spirit the day I knew we were to pursue adoption. The moment is so precious in my heart because I had never felt so helpless and in need of our Heavenly Father's love and understanding ever before in my life. (I would love to share this moment with you, but it is hard for me to put into words at this point in time...ask me and I will share it with you) It was the day of this that I knew that we were to pursue adoption long before we actually began the process, but the time wasn't right then...I was being prepared for the process we are embarking on now. The most amazing thing about all of this, is that I know I am being guided by the Lord, and I know that our baby will come to us when the time is right.
Here are some of my concerns/questions:
1. Open adoption: pros and cons, do or don't
2. Being accepted by others (us as a family, my sweet baby, etc)
3. Explaining to my sweet baby how we were so blessed to have them in our lives, and that they are our children
4. Gaining enough patience to make it through this long road
Thanks for listening/reading through my emotions...sometimes I just need to vent, in hopes that I can collect my thoughts and find answers to my questions.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Waiting for Our Miracle
For well over four years, I have been battling with emotions. These emotions range from extreme happiness to utter and complete devastation. I know I am not alone in my feelings, but there are days, even still, when I can't seem to figure out what to do next. Let me explain....
When we were first married, it was obvious that we wouldn't be able to start a family as soon as we had hoped because my dear sweetheart was deployed with the Army National Guard to Iraq. His total deployment, which included training, was a year and a half. Hoping that the time would be right when he was able to come home on leave, I was still disappointed when I struggled to hold a pregnancy past four weeks. By the time Joel arrived home for good, I was so excited because we could hit the ground running and hopefully start a family soon.
After watching a lot of our close friends and family members have successful pregnancies, I started to feel very depressed and at times angry. I couldn't figure out what was happening and why, when we were doing everything we needed to, but, still, no miracle, no baby.
Soon after Joel returned home, I began getting very sick. I was in and out of the hospital for reasoning only the doctors could say as, "well you are apparently in pain, but everything else looks normal..." (Ultimately, this has become the story of my life) Months later, and bills to match, I finally had a doctor, who I loved and trusted, recommend that it may be time to do an exploratory surgery to see if anything could be found to explain the pain and the miscarriages. I put my trust in this doctor 100% and came out of the surgery with a firm answer to some of my problems.
In March of 2006, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.
Commonly a cause for infertility, pain, and problems, I knew the road would be hard to travel, but that this set back wasn't a reason to give up. After trying a whole lot of everything, I was still not closer to having what I have wanted the most, a baby to call my own, a "family".
Monthly I cry about the fact that I am not able to have my miracle, but I know someday I will be able to, it just isn't in a way that I had really anticipated....our miracle is going to be through adoption.
Today, I reflect back on the priceless memories I have been given of being in a hospital moments after my friends and family members have had their miracles given to them...I hold those moments so dear in my heart because I know that it is extremely hard and trying go through a pregnancy, and I know that once that baby is born, a new life is prepared to begin.
My battles are constantly the same....why me, why them, what did I do to deserve this, what are they doing differently...am I not worthy to be called a mother?? Although I battle with these questions frequently, I know the answers...they are easy and simple...uplifting and full of hope...the answers are: Heavenly Father has a purpose and plan for each of us on this earth. We all have been given free agency and are able to govern for ourselves. Because of this, there are those who go through the motions, but don't want the responsibility, there are those who are just not as prepared as they could be, and then there are those who are prepared, willing and ready. My condition is not a punishment, I am worthy and can't wait for the moment when I am able to hold a child in my arms and know that that baby is ours...a miracle in our lives.
Going through this adoption process is very humbling to me because I am reminded daily that I have a flaw in my body...a major one at that. I am reminded that I can not achieve this miracle without the help of another...my heart yearns to be able to tell the birth mother of my child how much of a savior she is to me...although for one reason or another, she is unable to care for her baby, she has the strength to give up something that I can only dream. Whoever the birth mother is that chooses us, I know she will be heaven sent and I will be forever in debt to her because of the sacrifice she is going to be making.
I also have spent time reflecting on examples of adoption...think of Moses...his mom, knowing he would be killed if left with her, placed her baby in a basket and sent him away down a river, with only a prayer in her heart that he would be saved and be able to live the life she only dreamed he would have. That could not have been easy for her...she wanted that baby, I am sure she was devastated to let him go, but she knew it was best for the baby to have a chance of living a full life. Think of our Savior, Jesus Christ...his earthly father, Joseph, adopted him...Joseph was not the father, but he still loved this baby as if he was. These examples give me hope.
Joel and I are ready and waiting to be parents. We are in preparation for a long road, but it will be a miracle. We are looking (and waiting patiently) for our miracle.
When we were first married, it was obvious that we wouldn't be able to start a family as soon as we had hoped because my dear sweetheart was deployed with the Army National Guard to Iraq. His total deployment, which included training, was a year and a half. Hoping that the time would be right when he was able to come home on leave, I was still disappointed when I struggled to hold a pregnancy past four weeks. By the time Joel arrived home for good, I was so excited because we could hit the ground running and hopefully start a family soon.
After watching a lot of our close friends and family members have successful pregnancies, I started to feel very depressed and at times angry. I couldn't figure out what was happening and why, when we were doing everything we needed to, but, still, no miracle, no baby.
Soon after Joel returned home, I began getting very sick. I was in and out of the hospital for reasoning only the doctors could say as, "well you are apparently in pain, but everything else looks normal..." (Ultimately, this has become the story of my life) Months later, and bills to match, I finally had a doctor, who I loved and trusted, recommend that it may be time to do an exploratory surgery to see if anything could be found to explain the pain and the miscarriages. I put my trust in this doctor 100% and came out of the surgery with a firm answer to some of my problems.
In March of 2006, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.
Commonly a cause for infertility, pain, and problems, I knew the road would be hard to travel, but that this set back wasn't a reason to give up. After trying a whole lot of everything, I was still not closer to having what I have wanted the most, a baby to call my own, a "family".
Monthly I cry about the fact that I am not able to have my miracle, but I know someday I will be able to, it just isn't in a way that I had really anticipated....our miracle is going to be through adoption.
Today, I reflect back on the priceless memories I have been given of being in a hospital moments after my friends and family members have had their miracles given to them...I hold those moments so dear in my heart because I know that it is extremely hard and trying go through a pregnancy, and I know that once that baby is born, a new life is prepared to begin.
My battles are constantly the same....why me, why them, what did I do to deserve this, what are they doing differently...am I not worthy to be called a mother?? Although I battle with these questions frequently, I know the answers...they are easy and simple...uplifting and full of hope...the answers are: Heavenly Father has a purpose and plan for each of us on this earth. We all have been given free agency and are able to govern for ourselves. Because of this, there are those who go through the motions, but don't want the responsibility, there are those who are just not as prepared as they could be, and then there are those who are prepared, willing and ready. My condition is not a punishment, I am worthy and can't wait for the moment when I am able to hold a child in my arms and know that that baby is ours...a miracle in our lives.
Going through this adoption process is very humbling to me because I am reminded daily that I have a flaw in my body...a major one at that. I am reminded that I can not achieve this miracle without the help of another...my heart yearns to be able to tell the birth mother of my child how much of a savior she is to me...although for one reason or another, she is unable to care for her baby, she has the strength to give up something that I can only dream. Whoever the birth mother is that chooses us, I know she will be heaven sent and I will be forever in debt to her because of the sacrifice she is going to be making.
I also have spent time reflecting on examples of adoption...think of Moses...his mom, knowing he would be killed if left with her, placed her baby in a basket and sent him away down a river, with only a prayer in her heart that he would be saved and be able to live the life she only dreamed he would have. That could not have been easy for her...she wanted that baby, I am sure she was devastated to let him go, but she knew it was best for the baby to have a chance of living a full life. Think of our Savior, Jesus Christ...his earthly father, Joseph, adopted him...Joseph was not the father, but he still loved this baby as if he was. These examples give me hope.
Joel and I are ready and waiting to be parents. We are in preparation for a long road, but it will be a miracle. We are looking (and waiting patiently) for our miracle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
