The VC On Blogger: 2003-2012

Back in 2003 when all of this started, we were just a couple of dicks with free time who wanted a website but had no idea how to make one. Now, almost 9 years, hundreds of thousands of visits and 5 commenting systems later...we have Carin.

We also, as of this post going up, have a new home.

The new site isn't quite finished, but it's close enough. We're still putting some final touches on it and trying to figure out how to fix some unexpected broken, but that's pretty much been the story of this place from the beginning, so why mess with the formula?

I feel like I need to give Blogger a little sendoff before we turn out the lights. It has, in spite of all the times it's been a pain in our ass (new interface, I'm looking menacingly in your ugly, mostly inaccessible direction), provided us with quite a few cool opportunities that we likely wouldn't have had otherwise. Speaking just for myself, it's given me a chance to be part of other things that I thought would have outlasted this place by years and years and introduced me to quite a few really nice people and a few assholes both online and in person. The one's I've met in person have all been nice, just for the record. But most of all, it gave me a place to say things when I wanted to and have people actually hear them. So thanks, Blogger. You haven't always been the easiest thing to get along with, but you got us all started at whatever this is, so you've got that going for you.

And now...onward!

In case you missed it, the new site can be found at www.vomitcomet.org. If you're subscribed to an RSS feed or following us on Twitter, you won't have to do anything to keep getting posts sent straight to you. Same goes for the current email subscribers. You should have gotten your message this morning as usual, complete with a few items you've probably seen before. Sorry about that. That happened when I pointed the feed that makes the email in the new direction. Oh, and since that feed is the RSS feed, sorry to you folks too.

The only people I have bad news for are the ones who use Blogger's follow feature. I don't think there's a way to keep things as they are in that department since we're not publishing to Blogger anymore. If I find out there's something I can do I'll try to make it happen, but you have other options that you can feel free to use in the meantime. If you don't like Twitter or feeds or visiting sites directly, let me know and I can put you on the mailing list so you don't have to deal with the stupid CAPTCHA. We're still working on finding something without a CAPTCHA that will do the newsletter thing the way we'd like it done, but until then this is how it's going to have to go. If you'd rather not bother me and can type the letters and numbers you see or have something that can, the email signup form is here

And I guess that's it. Wow, this feels a little weird. Weird, but it's definitely for the best. See you all over at the new place, I hope.

Goodnight, VC Blogger. It's been fun.

Not So Great-grandmother

If I could ask Kimberly King one question, it wouldn't be who puts down a fifth of Jim Beam while spending the day watching her great grandkids? I already know the answer to that one. She does. The question I'd be asking is what series of unfortunate life choices causes one to be a great-grandmother at the tender age of 50? I'm doing some quick math and my brain is starting to cry.

According to the arrest affidavit, King’s granddaughter left her one and two year old children with King while she went to work.

When the complainant came back four hours later, King was reportedly passed out.

Police say both children had soiled their diapers to the point that the diapers were falling off.

Police found King in the bed where officers shined a flashlight in her face and woke her up.

Police say King had no visible injuries but admitted to drinking a fifth of Jim Beam while the children were in her care.

King has been charged with two counts of child abandonment. NO word on whether she'll be spending any time behind bars rather than in front of them like she seems to be used to.

Rectum Pharma Plus

When ever I see a story like this one, the same question always comes to mind. What's more painful, getting it there or keeping it there?

Police in Vermont stopped a car driven by Alex Boulet, a 29-year-old man from New York City. He was driving erratically, and they believed he might just be under the influence of something or other. As it turns out he was, but not in the way you would think.

During his pat down, the officer took note of "a hard object, the approximate size of a golf ball that was separate from his genitals." Taking note of such things is a job I would not want in a million years, I should point out.

The cops quickly obtained a warrant and an x-ray to see what that unexpected "hard object" might be, and then the staff of a local hospital obtained some laxatives which were given to Mr. Boulet. Boulet, perhaps sensing he was in for a long night, asked if he could obtain a cup of coffee.

After some waiting, the authorities hit pay dirt, if you will. Boulet set free a plastic bag. Inside that plastic bag were several more plastic bags. Inside of those were 84 individually rapped crack rocks. No, that's not a euphemism for anything. that's exactly what they found.

But wait, as any competent salesman would say, there's more!

A second x-ray showed that Boulet wasn't finished, and that x-ray was not disappointed. About 5 hours after old Santa Ass over here sent the rocks down the chimney, another gift arrived in the form of 218 Oxycodone pills stashed in 2 plastic bags.

There's that salesman again. If you call right now, you'll also get...

Another x-ray, another sign that the asscapades were not at an end. Get it? At an end? Yeah, that one sucked. It sucked, but not as much as I'm sure being transfered to the intensive care unit of a different hospital so you could give over the bag containing 11.5 grams of marijuana you planted in your brownhouse would suck.

After all this, Boulet was charged with possession of crack cocaine, marijuana and a regulated drug. He's now sitting in the Marble Valley Correctional Center (that's kind of funny) in lieu of $50,000 bail. Ok, so maybe he's not sitting necessarily. Sitting might not be fun. Let's go with temporarily residing. Yeah, that works.

Ahh, The Old You've Been Punk'd! Defence

Some days this job is like shooting fish in a barrel.

What days would those be, you ask.

Well my curious friend, days like the ones when some numbnuts walks in off the street and tries to rob a police station spring immediately to mind.

18-year-old Keithan Manuel's attempt went exactly as just about anyone but him would have expected, which means he's in jail now.

When reached for comment there, Manuel explained his actions thusly.

Manuel, in Dallas County Jail on several charges, including burglary, claims he visited the police station seeking information on a warrant, and was joking about the holdup, telling KTVT-TV, Dallas-Fort Worth, "I play like that all the time. I didn't think she would take it seriously."

Of course. You know how flippant those police types are about threats and crime.

Oh and Keithan, when somebody in that there jail tells you to be mindful of that whole soap thing. Yeah, that person isn't playing around the way you do.

Boys On The Hood

While this incident from a few weeks back might on some level be sorta fun, I recognize that this one involves a highly dangerous concentration of radioactive retardity.

Two Indiana parents are facing felony child neglect charges after they allegedly drove around with their respective children tied to the hood of a car with a yellow tow strap, police report.

The children--aged 4, 5, 6, and 7--were not harmed during the bizarre incident late yesterday afternoon in Fort Wayne.

The car’s driver, Aaron Stefanski, 29, is the biological father of three of the children. He was arrested on drunk driving and child neglect charges. Passenger Jessica Clark--the mother of the fourth child strapped to the vehicle--was busted for child neglect.

As was the case when last this happened, the kids were tied to the car not as some strange form of punishment, but rather because some drunken adults thought it'd be fun. Or as Stefanski explained it to the nice officer, "I thought they would like it."

Newsflash: Kids like alot of things they shouldn't. That's why adults exist. Well that and because without them there would be no more kids, but you see where I'm heading.

Oh, and this is nice.

A search of the vehicle turned up the tow strap and a "pink backpack that appeared to belong to a juvenile." The backpack contained "two 24oz Magnum cold beers."

No word on whether the beer also belonged to the juvenile, but my money's on yes. Come on, you know all of the screaming for help that would go with being tied to a hood for too long would really dry a kid out.

Long Weekend Audio: Weighty Issues

The audio machine keeps on rollin'.

This morning we got to do something I've been meaning to do for a while. I got to show you our talking scale...which sounds like my mom! It's kinda creepy hearing a voice that sounds like your mom telling you your weight.

It's a quick one, only 10 minutes, but here it is.

Long Weekend Audio: You've Got Questions? We've Got Babble.

This will be the last audio of the night. It would have been up sooner but...well...I got distracted.

We started off talking about the whole underline/underscore thing. Ro had said that Voiceover says "underline" still, and then Steve said that JAWS says underline too. More and more weirdness.

We decided that would be the last audio of the night. Poor Steve had been awake since 4:30 because he knew that I had to wake up early, so his body woke him up a couple hours before. Apparently, it likes to do that. I don't know about that sort of thing...as I've slept so heavy that my snore sounded like a broken fridge motor. The thunderworks were in full effect, so Trix was busily shaking away. So we decided to start answering questions people have been sending us. We explained again that we probably aren't going to do all the mailbag stuff in one go...because it just wouldn't work.

We started with Amanda's question about whether Steve has had any tape/nipple accidents lately. He said no, but he's sure it might happen again. He talked about how he must suffer for his art...which led to the question of whether nude portraits of Stephen Harper, ordinary-looking wooden benches, or toilets should be considered art.

Since we thought we'd rambled long enough about that, we decided to answer James's question about whether we miss Echo or Blogger yet...which is kind of funny since this post is getting posted to Blogger too. James, you wanted rage? You got it. Here it is in written form. We got to talk about how much more Wordpress allows us to do compared to Blogger, and how Wordpress search kicks Google Blogsearch's ass from here to China. As soon as we can find a daily email-sending thinggy, it'll be curtains for the Blogger version.

Other things mentioned in this section included that disturbing comment by someone named Hardon Ricky, and Weird Al's The Good Old Days. So yeah, James, I think you got your answer...loud and clear.

Finally, Ro asked us the condition of the talking beer koozy. In this earlier cast, it was going downhill. Well...the news isn't good. You can hear just how much poor old Joe has to say.

I don't know why, but every cast appears to have a Tugboat reference in it. Hope you don't hate us for that.

For this 42 minutes of goodness, grab it from here. Hopefully we can squeeze out some more audio tomorrow, and at least try and answer more questions.

Long Weekend Audio: What Made Me Choose A Guide Dog

Here comes another one. This one will be quick. Ceci asked me what made me decide to get a guide dog...so I started talking.

I hope something in here makes some sense. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are a bit disorganized and confusing. But I think my main points are walk with some guide dog teams and if you can, spend a little time with one, so you can really get a feel for it. And, ask lots and lots of questions.

I wrote some of this down in this ADBC post from a while back but here it is in audio form. Enjoy. This one's only 15 minutes.

Dear Cleveland:

Hi there. I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s Trixie. You don’t know me, but I’m old enough to be your grandma, or at least your aunt. I want to tell you a few things to get you ready for what’s ahead, so sit down and listen. Sit your wagging butt down and listen. You know how to settle. Good boy!

First, the good news. I know you’re scared. You’ve had a lot of change in your life. But you’ll come to find out that this is the new normal, and you’re headed for a lot of fun. All that weird stuff about
showing people poles and obstacles and stopping at curbs and watching for cars is all going to start making sense. That guy at the end of the leash? He *really* can’t see! I know you saw people slap things over their eyes so they couldn’t see while you walked around with them, but this guy doesn’t need a thing over his eyes. They don’t work. So you have to tell him about stuff or he’ll fall down or get hurt. I know how much you seem to like him, and he’s the one between you and the food bowl, so you don’t want that to happen, right? Right.

But pssst, let me tell you a secret. For a little while, you can use that non-working eyes thing to your advantage! At first, you can trick him a bit, like staying quiet when you really don’t want to go on tie-down, or trying to be sneaky. He’ll figure you out, but until he does…oh boy! Plus, people who don’t know the don’t pet the dog rule will get more chances to get their pets in because he won’t know what to feel for. Oh boy oh boy! Those were the days, and they’re all yours!

Oh. I’ve heard a little bit about where you’re headed. There’s another man there. I don’t know if he has nice balls like the fat man they call Steve does, but his eyes don’t work either. So, once you get taken off the leash, don’t sleep in the middle of the floor, or if you do, be ready to mooooove at a moment’s notice!

Oh yeah, another thing. When you have to pee, staring at the door isn’t going to work. Remember, his eyes don’t work. So, walk over and tap him and walk back to the door, or whine, or do something to tell him you have to pee. Otherwise, you might go pee where you shouldn’t, and if you’re like me, that’s just bad bad bad.

Oh yeah, just a little word of warning. Your human might be a little crazy worried about you. So, while he’s figuring you out, if you hack or do anything weird, you might end up at the vet. Don’t worry, this will get better. Be patient.

Where did you grow up? I know where I grew up, I wasn’t ready for the way the weather knob moves around up here. The first time it got c-c-c-c-c-c-cold up here, I thought this was the new normal, and that made me pretty sad. And it didn’t just get c-c-c-c-cold, the ground was covered in white stuff! There was the crunchy fluffy white stuff, and the slippery slidey white stuff. Go slow on the slippery slidey white stuff, or your human will fall down.

Anyway, it’s going to get c-c-c-c-c-cold and white, and all the rules are going to change. Sometimes, you have to climb over white stuff to get to the street, but some white stuff isn’t for climbing. And the humans are so mean. They take all the white stuff away from the places where people drive, and leave it where you and your human have to walk.

But the white stuff isn’t all bad. It’s fun to play in. *roll roll roll snort snort shukh shukh roll!* And your feet sink into it and you can see foot marks from where you’ve been. It’s neat!

I think I heard you have boots. I hate boots. I can’t think straight with boots on. What do you think of boots? Maybe you can get your human to get you the goo Carin puts on me. Mushers something. It’s nice goo. I don’t like it much when she’s putting it on, but it does a good job, and then I don’t have to where those prancy horsey boots! Yuck!

But let me tell you. The white stuff will go away, and you’ll get the nice grass back. I know you won’t believe me, but it will.

Hmmm. I think that’s most of the tips I can pass on to you. You have a lot to learn. You need to figure out how to talk to your human. He speaks human and tries to speak dog. You speak dog and try to understand human and get the message through. Sometimes it works, sometimes, not so much. Some days it feels like you can’t get anything right and you’d rather sniff a bush. But sometimes, you just feel so darn good you want to wag so hard your puppy raisers can feel the breeze off your tail. Eventually, it will be more good than bad, but you two have a lot to learn, so expect some not so good. But you’re a good boy and a smart boy, and he’s a good human and a smart human. You’ll figure it out.

I can show you more tricks if we get to meet in person. Then we can really wiggle noses and share secrets, but until then, this will have to do. I hear you just got off a flying car bus thing, and you’re probably huuuuungry. Everything is fine. Try and relax.

With licks, wags, shukhs and snorts of hello,

Trixie

Long Weekend Audio: I Like Traffic Lights...

Thank Monty Python for the title.

Well! Aren't we the audio crankin' machines? We decided this one would have a different twist on it. We decided to take you, the loyal vomiteers, on a walk with us. We'd never done this before...and it kinda showed in the audio quality. Most of it is pretty listenable, but there are some parts where...ow ow ow ow ow! Stream+need to raise voice over traffic=clip clip clip clip! So...do not listen on headphones, I don't think so. We'll do better next time...namely, place Stream on left shoulder. By the way, Shane? How did you carry your stream on your routecasts? I need pointers. I tested it before leaving and it sounded fine. I forgot the part where I need to raise my voice to be heard over the traffic din.

We decided to demo an audible pedestrian signal, or the blind guy chirp chirp lights as lots of people know them. We thought we'd clear up some confusion, as well as show the differences between two types of chirp chirp lights. We also thought we'd drop into Tim Hortons just because it's nearby, and pick up a couple things at the store on the way home. We turned the recording off when we were in the store just because really? do you want to hear "I'll have a smoothie. Yes debit. chinga linga loo, thank you!"? That's boring.

We split this bad boy into two smaller parts. There's part 1, the trip to Timmie's, description of the lights and how blind people cross streets, talk about the new Tim Hortons bigger drink sizes, and other babble. You don't hear it, but Trix got called a cute dog by some random passer by. As we arrive at Tim Hortons, Steve asks again what constitutes a yogourtless smoothie? It has been written, but we felt like talking about it. That bit is about 23 minutes long.

In part 2, which lasts about 25 minutes, on our way home, we talked about how poor Steve got hit with a giant allergy attack, how we didn't get to ask what a yogourtless smoothie would look like, and how Steve thinks ice caps are disgusting. I happen to like them, but he thinks they're ick. This made us decide we would do our questions not as one cast, but as the mood struck us to talk...and it was time to talk about the differents between Canadian and American iced tea. And, since we were answering that question, we went in to the whole milk in a bag thing.

Because you can find everything on the internet, here's a history lesson on the milk bag, and a video explaining how to drink milk from a bag. The video isn't too blindy friendly, but it basically echos the description that we gave in the cast. I just thought it was funny that someone made a video about this.

I have also learned something. This milk in a bag thing only starts in Ontario and moves east. Westerners get mad if you accuse them of drinking milk in a bag. In describing the different sizes of milk cartons, I start singing Good Luck to the Barleymow. Now you can enjoy a much better version.

As we walk down the street yammering about milk bags, I have a question for folks who live in the UK that came up. I was talking to Torie on Twitter, and somehow crossing streets came up, and she said that over there, they have to wait for an all quiet, cross at a zebra crossing, hit a beep beep light, or wait for assistance. The idea of walking with the parallel traffic is not safe. Is this true across all of Ireland? Can other blind folks explain this? Frankly, the idea of not being able to go with the surge is about as weird to me as Americans find buying milk in a bag.

And we arrived home with our stuff, Trix drank furiously, and we signed off.

So, I hope you can enjoy this clippy cast. I apologize again for that. Hopefully we can learn and do better.

Long Weekend Audio: Caboom!Cast

The urge struck us to do some more audio, so here we are. We had a lot of fun doing this one.

It started with me not saying go at the right moment. Woops. Welcome to me not being a good record button-pusher. Then we just rambled about the awesome weather, the Blue Jays winning again, and the coolness that is our balcony.

I don't know if you can hear what happened next, but somebody's car alarm similar to the one I described in this old post started going off, so Steve started imitating it...at which point, Trix brought us back to the reason we decided to do this audio in the first place.

Unfortunately you can't hear it, but Trix started circling us, puffing furiously. We put the mic in her face, but she did not puff hello. I described some new behaviour Trix does when there are fireworks or thunder storms, or our new term, thunderworks! The fear has been with her all along, but it has changed recently. Oh yeah? and I meant 1 a.m. not p.m. woops.

And as we finished up our thunderworks discussion, we came up with another term. Nicky Nicky Blind door: the act of a blind person knocking on the wrong door, realizing it's the wrong house, and getting the hell out of dodge, leading the person who lives in the wrong house to believe they've been a victim of Nicky Nicky 9 Door. And here's the link to the story of that blind guy getting shot in the face when he entered the wrong house. Oh yeah, and here's the story of the drunk unintentional houseguest we had one night. Before we move on, here's that car alarm bit I was talking about, a super detailed account of Shoe's surprise 40th birthday party, and a picture of the yes please burger. Holy crap, how many things did we have to mention in that short stint?

Moving on, we talked some more about the hot weather, and the plants a friend and I are planting in the Enabling Garden. Hey, anybody know where the reference "fuck this cat, and fuck this door!" came from? Go ahead and take a guess. At this point, we came up with our third invented word, Friedo (pronounced "fried o"): dog left in a hot car. We also made up some new lyrics to what would be the Frido song. And you know what? We should have stuck to that song...because I proceeded to ruin the next song we attempted. Even these people did a better job.

This led to an awesome story of how, in his CFRU days, Steve unintentionally insulted electronica. R2D2, a television and a vacuum having a threesome, you say? What a description.

Wow. This thing goes everywhere. We went from how you can't please everybody on the radio and on websites to me apologizing for not realizing that the Jonathan Sory story was more tragic than it seemed on the surface.

...which somehow led in a long and winding way to things taking on a totally different meaning if you're just listening to them, which then led to talking about screen reader users who just go by the way words sound and don't check the spelling, which can lead to some rather creative typos. Man, if you're bored, I understand.

Before we signed off, I made fun of Steve's loud phone text message noises, and Trix reappeared, looking all scared all over again.

And that about does it for another one. I think coining 3 new terms is pretty good. We enjoyed putting it together, hope you enjoy listening. Go get it in all its 1 hour and 7 minute glory.

Long Weekend Audio: The First Of Many Casts

Well...our first audio is up. We had hoped to have it up last night, but we kind of fell over after we finished recording it. The file got uploaded to the server, but hell if I was going to write the post around it. So I'm writing it this morning.

Poor Steve had to start it alone, because Trix had to take care of business. But I figured I'd make my presence known. If you wondered why Steve suddenly made some yelling noise in the middle of his sentence, no, he hasn't lost his mind. I was down below, making the Tugboat noise at him. I hoped the mic would pick it up, but it didn't. The Tugboat noise? Yes, the Tugboat noise. It's about 6 minutes in, but there it is. Probably if I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it either.
If you don't feel like waiting 6 minutes for 16 seconds of Tugboaty goodness, you can download his promo right here. Eeeeeee!

After I distract him with randomly-placed Tugboat noises, Steve manages to get his groove back, and talks about our new website, and how it's awesome to have audio capabilities back. He then moves on to baseball, and how certain Blue Jays are doing really well while others were awesome, but need some help.

When I got back, we talked about wrestling, and I finally sort of mention Tugboat, but we really couldn't do him justice. That moved us on to how much wrestling has changed over the years, and how hard it is to be a new fan today.

Next up, I gave a brief update on me, and how Trix gave me a little bit of a scare. This led us to talking about how awesome it is to move over from Blogger to a place where we actually have some server space, and the awesome that is Skynet Communications. We also got to rag on Blogger importer for screwing up who wrote what, and being just a wee bit bizarre.

Somehow we got from here to talking about the new Guelph Central Station, AKA the land of confusion where our city buses live now. We talked about how eventually we hope it will be easier to navigate, but right now, it's a total zoo, and we're all confused, which is really fun when transfer times are next to 0. We also talked about how it's kind of dumb to have a heap of bus platforms and no real shelter, since the inside of the building won't be functional until 2013. Also, we mentioned that that light at St. George's Square is no longer an all-way stop, so don't die, everybody.

As we talked about the crappy decision that was changing routes in January, we some how wandered into describing our creepy landlord from the old apartment building.

Next up, Steve gave his opinions on foreign music. What more can I say about that little piece. Oh, I can link to the video I mentioned as part of the conversation.



While Steve went to get a beer, I talked about how awesome Shane's podcasts are, and how they brought back memories of training.

Things begin winding down with another plug for Skynet Communications. Somehow that led into a talk about how the "underline" key is now called "underscore" and wondering how that happened.

We wrap things up by reminding people that they can send us questions and we will answer them in an audio mailbag, but we need more questions, so keep sending them in.

And that does it for our first 53 minutes of chaos. If you feel so inclined, go get it. Enjoy, and there will be more to come, I'm sure.

The Website, Terrible Beer, Audio Returns And Some Jokes At The End

I just got an email from Molson asking me to "answer the call of the long weekend." I'm sure this is code for please drink our shitty beer, so the long weekend will be getting my voicemail.

That really did just happen.

Anyway, how's everybody doing? I hope you're all doing well and are less tired than this guy, who for some reason woke up at 20 after 4 this morning. Bad times, but it's still better than being sentenced to a long weekend of Molson.

If you've seen it (and if you follow one of us on Twitter and clicked on this post that way you have,) we hope you're liking the new website. It's almost finished, thank the lord. The only thing we need to do before we can 86 Blogger for good is figure out how to make the new server send out daily emails full of our wit and wisdom like Feedburner is doing now. I know we can probably transfer the current feed over and keep everything as it is, but since Feedburner has a CAPTCHA that we can't disable on its subscription form, fuck those guys. If we were content with firing off emails whenever a post went up the problem would be solved, but since we sometimes go on insane posting jags that's not going to happen. We care about you all too much as readers and in some cases friends to put you through that. If anybody knows of something free or close to it that will allow for what I've described, let us know.

Besides that, we're pretty much good to go. All the posts have the correct bylines on them (kiss my ass again, blog importer) and all the downloads that haven't worked for months are now alive and well on our new server which, I should add, is fast as hell. I should also add that relinking them was a much easier process than we had anticipated thanks to a handy search and replace plugin that Carin dug up. That's one thing I love about Wordpress. It's insanely customizable and has loads of functionality built right in, but if it doesn't do something that somebody has ever wanted it to do, that person has probably built a plugin that'll get it done.

If you're thinking about making the move from something like Blogger or even about starting a new site, give Wordpress a shot. And if you happen to be in the market for some hosting for that reason or any other, drop a line to Shane and James. Tell them Steve and #CarinOfTheWin sent ya. I'm not sure what it'll do for you in the favours department, but give it a try and let me know how it goes. If it does nothing, I'm putting Shane on notice that at some point I may have to resort to tossing him around like I used to when he was little. Wait, what am I saying? He's still little.

Oh, I almost forgot, we need to get AdSense up and running as well. I'm not looking forward to that. Messing with ad sizes, styles and positioning when you can't actually see what your site looks like isn't high on my list of fun activities. Carin's either, as it happens. If any of you have a good idea of what might work around these parts, please get in touch.

But AdSense or not, daily digest or not, it's time to celebrate! And what better way to say thanks for putting up with our quietness and website talk and to break in a new server than a little something we like to call Long Audio Weekend!? Quiet down, crickets! You're drowning out the cheers of celebration that I'm sure are coming from all over the world! But yes, now that we have a reliable place to put them, we can do casts again, and do casts we shall...unless something bad/unexpected comes up. I'm not sure what we'll talk about, but we'll think of something. All the stuff we haven't gotten around to writing down might be a good place to start.

With all that out of the way...I suddenly realize I can't remember what else I was going to write down. This is embarrassing. Hmmm...what to do? I know, have a few of the jokes I've been saving. That and be sure to follow @ShakespeareSong if you don't already. One of my favourite things ever on Twitter.

See you for audio weekend unless I remember something between now and then.

Ok...jokes!

*Okay, I know the order of the pedals is clutch - brake - accelerator, but how do I start this piano?

*There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

*Some guy called my wife a pig the other day. I said, "Don't listen to him, Babe!"

*In 1950's Ireland, the Catholic Church ruled the country with an iron fist. It was a tough time to be an altar boy.

*After the accident, my wife was left a vegetable.

"Who left this vegetable here," She asked.

*I just heard on the Radio that the Leader of the Monkees has died. R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.

*As the sperm swam with a mission in mind toward the egg, I thought to myself, "Wow, I've really ruined this breakfast buffet."

*Q: Who is a Catholic priest's favourite singer?

A: Kneel Young.

*Muhammad Ali vs. Michael J. Fox: The Quickest Game of Jenga Ever.

*Two gay guys were on the beach. One says to the other, "shall I put the umbrella up?" The other replies "yes, but don't open it!"

*My mate has got a computer document full of 16 year old girls. What a PDF-file.

*Q: What do you call someone who's had their car stolen?

A: A taxi.

*A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.

"Why so many, buddy," the bartender asks.

"I'm celebrating my first blow job," The man replies.

"Well hell, congratulations," says the bartender. "I will give you one on the house."

"No thank you," replies the man. "if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't make a difference."

An Interview With Carin And I All About Adjusting To Guide Dog Life

We should have been all over this like fat kids on candies last week, but since late to the party should almost be our next header slogan nowadays, let's just go ahead and do this now, shall we?

Shane, one of the lovely and talented folks responsible for the new home our website has now, is off getting himself a guide dog from Guide Dogs for the Blind. That's the same place Carinw ent to get the Trixter, in case you've forgotten or are new. He's not at the same campus she was, but the training ideals and apparently the food are the same.

Since he appears to be some kind of machine that will sleep when he's dead, he's been blogging and podcasting his adventure like a friggin madman. He's taken us on his trip to the school, on a bunch of training routes and is even finding time to interview people about their experiences with dogs and getting them to answer questions for folks who may want to go down a similar road in the future.

One of those interviews, as it happens, is with both myself and Carin. Ok Steve, we understand Carin, you're saying. She's got the dog. But you're just the fat man with the nice balls, as Trixie would say. What wisdom could you possibly have to impart? Well, if you'd like to find out, you can truck yourselves on over here and have a listen. And if you'd like to follow along with Shane's dog saga, all the posts you're looking for should live here.

Thanks to Shane for having us. Hopefully something we had to say will be valuable and helpful to somebody.

The Internet Always Wins

While government and industry around the world is busy passing and working to pass more and more internet and free speech hating spy laws, those who actually use and understand the internet and how it works are busy doing what they've always done. Evolving to get around the broken.

A new survey has revealed that young people are responding to tough legislation and increasing levels of online spying by investing in VPN services. The study, carried out by the Cybernorms research group at Sweden’s Lund University, found that when compared to figures from late 2009, 40% more 15 to 25-year-olds are now hiding their activities online.

Hilarious. Sad that it's come to this, but still hilarious.

Surely lawmakers and lobbyists would argue that these results don't mean much, likely after they finish asking what in hell a VPN is. They would be somewhat right of course, at least for now. The vast majority of internet users don't know what a VPN or a proxy is, but there was once a time when the vast majority didn't know what a Napster or a LimeWire was either, and that's kind of what got us into some of this surveillance mess in the first place.

Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

Oh...my...freakin...lord!2 Teens Hit By Car While Sunbathing.

"Yikes," you're thinking to yourself. "Those poor girls! What sort of drunken maniac drives that far off the street and hits a couple of poor, innocent kids?"

The answer, I'm sorry to report, is nobody.

What that headline there fails to mention is that these two nimrods were tanning in the middle of the road, fell asleep and were driven over by a fellow who is reported to be a cousin of one of them.

The video at the link above should play automatically, which is nice since I am currently as bereft of words as these kids are of clue.

Bridge Over Troubled Rail Lines

Remember that time 4 years ago when a group of thieves made off with 4 tonnes of railway bridge? Believe it or not it's happened again...in the same part of the world, no less.

But unlike last time, these thieves weren't content with a paltry 4 tonnes of bridge.

Armed with some forged documents claiming they'd been hired to dismantle the structure and an obvious go big or go home philosophy, these fellows got away with 10 tonnes of footbridge and more than 650 feet of railroad track. Officials say the cost of replacing it will likely hit the several million dollar mark. No idea how much all that metal will be worth on the black market, but going to all that trouble would seem to suggest a pretty penny.

Not So Hot Wheels

I realize that this is completely stupid and dangerous and that I might have to murder somebody who tried it with my kid especially given the condition they were in at the time, but the kid part of me still thinks it would be pretty awesome and fun.

The grandparents of a seven-year-old Florida girl were arrested yesterday after they allegedly got drunk and used their SUV to tow the child while she was seated in a plastic Hot Wheels car.

Paul Berloni, 49, and Belinda Jean Berloni, 47, were busted Sunday afternoon after a sheriff’s deputy spotted them pulling the girl’s toy car, which was attached to the SUV by a pair of dog leashes. The child, who was not injured, was only wearing a swimsuit “and had no protective gear on whatsoever,” according to a Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office report.

A deputy estimated that the Hot Wheels car was traveling between 5-10 miles per hour when a traffic stop was executed. Paul Berloni, who was driving the SUV, reeked of booze, had watery and bloodshot eyes, and his speech was “slowed and slurred.” When asked for his driver’s license, Berloni said that it was “revoked for 10 years for a DUI.”

Belinda Berloni was riding in the vehicle’s cargo area “with the rear hatch open cheering the child on as she was being pulled behind the vehicle.” Berloni--who a deputy noted was also drunk--stated that “it was dangerous to drag a child behind the vehicle,” but that “they were just having fun and had been doing this all day.”

If you're looking for some babysitting work, I have a funny feeling that a position may have just opened up.

Grandma and Grandpa have both been slapped with child cruelty charges, and Grandpa, as you might expect, also got dinged for drunk driving and driving with a suspended licence.

Live To Rise

Even though just about everybody around me was, I wasn't a grunge fan growing up. Bands like Nirvana never did much for me. I don't know if I was too happy or what, but I just couldn't get into it. I can listen to it now, but back in the day, no thanks.

But for whatever reason, I always liked Soundgarden. There was something different about their sound that drew me in and kept me listening.

A big part of that is Chris Cornell. for my money that guy has one of the best voices in music. Not just rock or grunge or whatever we're calling it today, but all music. Have this version of Ave Maria if you don't believe he can sing for real.



Or just because I love the song, Sunshower.



the other thing I liked about Soundgarden is that the music was a lot more creative than some other bands of the time. They didn't just use the same few chords and rhythms and write depressing things around them. There was more to sink your teeth into and enjoy.

All of this just to say that I'm happy that they're back and that unlike the horrid Tattoo garbage that Van Halen shat out all over us, their new song doesn't suck. In fact I've had the chorus in my head for the better part of this week.



Live to Rise.



The info is probably out there and I just haven't found it yet, but I'm hoping this song isn't just a one off. It would be nice if there was enough new stuff in the works for an album.

Master Criminals Of History

Here's a bit of fun Saturday morning reading for you. 5 Supposedly Badass Criminals Caught in Embarrassing Ways

The only ones I don't remember ever hearing about are Robert Phillips and Joe Hunt, and Hunt is number 1 on the list for good reason. Astounding reason really, especially for a guy who is supposedly that bright.

Just Dropping In For Some Smokes

Until you ponder it for half a second, drilling a hole in the floor of the apartment above a store you want to rob might seem like a good idea. You can drop down, take what you want and then hoist yourself up again. No alarm, no suspicious breaking in or hiding in the store until it closes. It's perfect.

Well...not so much, at least not in the case of young Nicholas Pellon here. Hey. Pellon, that kind of rhymes with felon. Just sayin'.

What our 25-year-old thefting friend failed to consider was...just about everything, come to think of it.

For starters, who do you suppose lives in one of those apartments right above the store? Sure he busted into the place next door to his to drill his entry hole, but still.

Ahh yes, the entry hole. It worked great as an entry hole, but it proved to be a poor exit since Pellon was unable to climb up the same rope he used to drop down. I shouldn't make too much fun since I was always shit at the rope climb too, but I was just bad at it in gym class. I never thought to plan a burglary that hinged on skills I didn't have.

Unable to use his escape hatch, he frantically ran around trying doors for a while before eventually finding a way out through the basement with $150 worth of cigarettes. All of this, as you may have already guessed, was captured on the store's security cameras, which he also mustn't have thought about.

Pellon was easy to identify from the videos because not only does he live in the same building as the store, but he's also a regular there and even has a tab with the owner. Not for much longer, I reckon.

He's been charged with burglary, obviously.

A Gold Medal In Security Theatre Foolishness

So...does this seem ridiculous as all getout to anybody else, or am I a man on a dangerously unsecured island here?

LONDON — Surface-to-air missiles could be stationed on the rooftops of an apartment block in east London as part of Britain's air defences for the Olympics, the country's military confirmed Sunday.

Around 700 people living at the building in Bow -- about 3.2 kilometres from London's Olympic Stadium -- have been contacted and warned that the weapons and about 10 troops are likely to be based at the site for around two months.

Britain has previously confirmed that up to 13,500 troops are being deployed on land, at sea and in the air to help protect the Olympics alongside police and security guards. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has said Typhoon fighter jets, helicopters, two warships and bomb disposal experts will also be on duty as part of the security operation.

"As announced before Christmas, ground-based air defence systems could be deployed as part of a multilayered air security plan for the Olympics, including fast jets and helicopters, which will protect the skies over London during the games," the defence ministry said in a statement.

Listen. I like the Olympics as much as anybody. Yes, even though they're awarded based on legalized bribery and are a gargantuan money pit for any country that dares host them. What can I say, I like sports. But if this is where we're at in 2012, do we really need the Olympics? For Christ's sake, we're giving serious consideration to rigging manned missile stations to apartment buildings! In England! Because the hammer throw is in town! When you're at that point things have gotten way out of hand, and we all know that once you take this step, there's no going back. What's next? Unmanned drones with nuclear boms on them, just in case? The moment missiles at sporting events is a thing that doesn't get laughed out of the meeting in less than about 12 seconds, we're in some serious more trouble than it's worth territory.

Perhaps we should all do something else this summer. Something a lot safer than watching a couple weeks worth of cycling and footraces.