I May Need An Excuse To Buy A New TV Soon

One of the biggest problems with using digital cable or satellite TV when you're blind is that you can't use any of the really cool features. Yeah you've got a gazillion stations, but if you can't use the guide to figure out what's on them or even where they are, it adds a degree of difficulty to things that most folks don't have. We can't use on demand either, which in a way is good because it saves us money, but also sucks because it's a neat technology that I'd like to be able to take advantage of.

But slowly, some of this might be starting to change.

Panasonic has just announced that they'll be rolling out a line of televisions that come with text to speech capabilities.

According to Panasonic's Nigel Prankard, users will be able to obtain channel information, browse the user guide, and use the built-in electronic program guide among other features. Prankard explained that the company felt it was the right time to include accessibility features and that Panasonic planned to include it in all models, stating that a user shouldn't be limited in the choice of a television by which ones included accessibility features.

For now it seems to be something the company is doing in the UK market, but hopefully the rest of us will have it soon.

This is what you call a mighty fine start. Now let's hope that other manufacturers follow suit and that before too long, the need to search out usable TV listings on a site by site basis will be no more.

Getting A Blood Pressure Monitor Shouldn't Raise Blood Pressure

I have to write this down in the hopes that it might help someone.

So I'm going through some fun mystery health issues. Yee ha. When they're not too bad, I can get out and about and lead a normal life. But when they rear their ugly heads and start beating on me, I'm pretty miserable. The fun is it changes from moment to moment. I'm seeing docs, docs are scratching their heads and tapping their fingers in puzzlement. I really do feel for them, none of my symptoms make sense. I think it has to do with a long-term condition I have, but then the question is how and exactly how do we fix it?

Anyway, one of the fun new wrinkles in my life is a few days ago, I noticed my pulse rate was sky friggin high. I mean, I'm sitting on the couch waiting for the 11:00 news, and jeebers I'm sweating and my whole body's going baboom baboom and fast! I broke out the stopwatch on my iThing to confirm, and wouldya look at that? That's one fast heart I've got there. Since counting beats and manipulating a stopwatch was a giant pain in the hoop, I decided it would be good to invest in a talking blood pressure monitor, and this is the reason for this post.

I was going to search out one on the internet, but of course, if I had any questions about it, I would have to wait until Monday to talk to a person. And then I would have to wait for it to ship...bla bla bla. If I could avoid it, I didn't want to suffer through another night/day of babooms wondering if I was overreacting or really, was my heart about to jump out of my chest and I should be hooked up to things that go boop. So a buddy said I should call some local pharmacies because they do carry some specialty stuff. And this was where the fun began. She had found two that would bring the product in, but again I would be waiting a few days. If I wanted one *now* I should try some of the big chains that stay open late and have stuff like wheelchairs and walkers. What a brilliant idea! I was so brain fogged by all this stuff that calling locally hadn't even crossed my mind.

I called Zellers, Walmart and Shoppers. I asked about whether they carried a talking blood pressure monitor, an their first response that whipped out of their mouth was "I don't think such a thing exists." It wasn't "hmmm I've never heard of that." or "We don't carry that." Nope, it was that item has not been invented, ha ha ha you silly person, why must you have such pipe dreams? This is ridiculous because things like this have existed for years. Luckily, I knew better, and pushed them to *try* and do some digging. They said they didn't carry them, and one of them did manage to recommend another pharmacy that I found out can order them in, but that was only one out of the 3.

This scares the bejeebers out of me, and here's why. We are living in a society with an aging population. Old people a. tend to get bad eyes, b. tend to need to monitor blood pressure, and c. tend to take their pharmacist's word as gospel. To be told by some assistant that such a thing doesn't exist could end that person's search for such a device when it's out there.

That's another thing. Even when I pressed them to look harder, I never actually got transferred up the chain. They put me on hold and came back and said nope. I have no idea whether they did more than take a closer look down the monitoring stuff aisle.

Luckily, I found links to some on the internet, and eventually found one at Radio Shack aka the source. The dude even let me test it in the store and make sure it would read enough. Funnily enough, some monitors talk, but only enough to tell you to put your arm in the cuff, sit down and cram it. They don't actually read the readings. But this one did, and did pulse and compared my reading to WHO standards. It even says it wishes you all the best and stay healthy. That always makes me chuckle after it's given a high reading. It's comforting to know I can monitor my own blood pressure and pulse at home whenever I feel like it.

But people who work in pharmacies, please, make an effort when someone asks you for a specialty product. Even if you've never heard of it, please look. You guys have access to company reps and distributors that we don't have. Please, get educated! And if you can't do it because you're not a pharmacist, please connect the person to someone who can devote the time to doing proper research. You could actually stand between someone and the device they need.

#TellVicEverything

I'm not sure who exactly came up with this protest, but you, my friend, are a friggin genius!

You might remember my mentioning the Conservative government's plan to introduce some pretty craptacular internet surveillance legislation. Well, in the last week or two, movement on what I like to call the Awful Access bill has really been heating up. The public outcry has been such that Stephen Harper and his underlings have done something they rarely do, started to back down and say that maybe this here idea needs a rethink. Rethinks are great, but they don't mean the thing is dead. We still have guys like Public Safety Minister Vic Toews spouting stupidity like if you don't support this bill you side with child pornographers, so there still may be a battle ahead.

If you, like most thinking individuals, don't support what the government is trying to do here, there are lots of things you can do. You can write letters, inform your friends and family, call members of Parliament, whatever works for you.

You can also #TellVicEverything. That's right. If Vic Toews is so intent on being able to snoop on what all of us are doing, why don't we save him the trouble and let him know? Are you going to the park? #TellVicEverything. Did you just eat a really good sandwich? #TellVicEverything. Do you have Hotel California stuck in your head? #TellVicEverything. If you're on Twitter, use the #TellVicEverything hash tag and be sure to mention @ToewsVic when you tweet. You don't have to be Canadian to #TellVicEverything, either. We had your back during the whole SOPA thing America, so if you'd like to return the favour, this would be an easy way to do it. Let's make the internet experience as shitty for Vic Toews as he wants to make it for the rest of us.

Here are a few of the things I told Vic over the weekend. Feel free to use them for inspiration.

Urgent news for @ToewsVic. I just coughed twice and had to scratch the left side of my nose. #TellVicEverything

My desk chair spins. It's pretty neat. @ToewsVic #TellVicEverything

Oh sweet Jesus, @ToewsVic. Somebody just farted in here. It's a good thing you're far away trying to ruin the internet. #TellVicEverything

You know who would be interested in all of your 4Sq check-ins? @ToewsVic. Be sure to let him know when you go places. #TellVicEverything

Wondering how the shortest distance between 2 points is always a straight line when some shortcuts are twisty. @ToewsVic #TellVicEverything

Just took a nice dump. Nothing like the kind @ToewsVic and @PMHarper take on our rights and freedoms, but still nice. #TellVicEverything

By now you should have a pretty solid idea of how this works, so go have yourself some fun! Oh, and don't forget to tell Big Brother Vic all about it. #TellVicEverything!

Candy Has Been Found!

Woohoo! It's nice to know, in all this craziness, there's some good news.

Remember Candy? Well, according to the Facebook page, she has been found! Damn but that dog could move. Since she was lost, people saw her from Victoria and Woodlawn all the way to Speedvale and Stevenson area. That'll take off a lot of poundage, believe me! But they eventually got her in a live trap, and she's on her way back to safety. That poor, poor thing.

I'm actually amazed they got her. Holy crap someone was watching out for her.

On The Run...Out

When you're on the run, little things you should remember to do are sometimes going to fall through the cracks. You're in a hurry, you're in a panic and people in that state sometimes forget things. But no matter what, you should always...always(!) make sure you have enough gas in the car to get you to where you need to be.

The Wyoming Highway Patrol said Tuesday that Richard Vincent of Prineville, Ore., was wanted in Georgia for violating parole on a murder and escape conviction.

Vincent called the Uinta (YOO'-ihn-tah) County Sheriff's Office who sent state troopers to help him out. When they learned that Vincent had an outstanding felony warrant from Atlanta, he was taken into custody.

A Post With A Bunch Of Stuff In It Just To Show You We're Alive

So...this place sure has been hopping lately, eh? Yeah...about that. I'm sorry. Really, I am. But to be honest, it can't be helped, and I can't say when it's going to get better.

I don't want to get into a whole lot of specifics, so I'll leave it at this: There are a few things going on around here that are making dick jokes, bad music, random videos and stories about retarded people doing even more retardeder things seem much less important than usual. To those of you who know what's been happening, thanks for the support. To the rest of you, hang in there. We're not trying to be lazy asses, That's just how it's had to be for a while.

By the way, remind me never to have a sleep-related brain snap around the same time as a very stressful ongoing event. It doesn't end well, I'm finding.

Now...what can I tell you that you might not already know?

If you're James McGhee, you don't seem to know that wearing a shirt with best dad written on it in your sex offender registry photo isn't the best idea you've ever come up with, especially since you needed that photo because of a little thing called sexual exploitation of a minor.

If you're Misty Lawson, you may not know how much trouble punching your 10-year-old son a few times during a visit with an anger management counselor will get you in, even if the kid might be a little shit.

If you're Vince Russo, you most definitely do not know how cocksuckingly horrible you are at your job about 98% of the time. You may, however, be aware of the celebrations being thrown by wrestling fans upon hearing the news that you've finally been relieved of it. If anything was going to make me feel happy enough to write again at least for a moment, it's this.

"TNA and Vince Russo have mutually parted ways as of this week. The separation is amicable and professional. We are glad for the opportunity to have worked together and wish each other nothing but good luck and success in the future."

Here's to success meaning that he opens up another video store and stays away from the wrestling business he's helped ruin for good. Good riddance to whatever it is that books worse than bad rubbish.

If you're WWE, you have no idea how sad I am and how much I kind of hate you guys right now for taking the Funkasaurus away from me. He was different and he was fun, both things that your product mostly hasn't been in years. Oh well, at least we'll always have the memories.



Somebody call my mama!

If you're the Earl Witty responsible for running the RIDE program, you could, pending the results of the current investigation, soon learn that showing up to work while on the sauce might sound fun on paper, but really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not very witty of you if I may say so, officer.

And finally, if you're lots of people, you might not know that the 6Dot Braille Labeler that Carin made mention of a while ago is out of the development stage and ready to be ordered! On the list of blind folk gadgets I'd like to own, this one ranks pretty high. I'm saying this sight unseen, by the way. Yes, I do hear you chuckling at that, sighted person. Carry on.

And for now, I think I'm going to make that everything. You all should be well and learned up now, I hope. We'll try to check in soon, whenever that is.

It's Brain Splatter Time

Well, I might be able to babble a while. That last post was kind of lame.

The other day, Honey by Bobby Goldsboro came on the radio. My memories of that song were that it was a kinda sappy song that made me all sad. But listening to it now, again I notice myself turning into quite the jaded individual. When I heard it again now, I thought gees what a needy woman! I think I'd go mad if I were him! Crying because he wasn't home just at the right time? It sounded like she was more like his kid than his wife for Pete's sake! He really enjoyed having someone so dependent and so...well...kinda dumb? What's wrong with him? I wonder does he miss her, or now can he actually live his life? So is it me, or is it the song? Maybe it's a little bit of both.

Man the huppy's growing up. He can talk in sentences, he can count to at least 5, knows his full name and you can almost have a whole conversation with him. He's always trying to help me, and the other day he tried to tell me my boot had come untied. All he could manage was "Carin! Your brown boots!" But the way he said it I knew he was trying to tell me something. And he was just an itty bitty baby not too long ago. He hasn't even turned 3 yet.

Back a while ago, I mentioned that wicked cold. Well, now it's left a bit of a legacy. I still have a bit of a cough and can't seem to get enough air. But my chest x-ray is clean. I'll be going back to the doctor hopefully Monday so we can try and figure this out. I hope it's an easy fix. Something similar happened to me years ago and all we had to do was change a medicine, so hopefully that's the case this time. It's not a comfortable feeling having to take huge deep breaths just to get a normal amount of oxygen. A couple of times, I've wondered if I should get my buns to the ER. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Here's a commercial I don't get. It's for the cheesy bites pizza from Pizza hut. I can't find it, damn it, but you hear this woman say "I love what you've done to the place." and then you hear the kid say "I told you this would be fun." and then you hear the adults sound like they're about to hurl going, "Yeah, real fun." and then it ends with a guy telling us to make dinner time fun time with the cheesy bites pizza, with 28 fun cheesy-filled bites.

Whaaa?

Even if I don't pay attention to the weird dialog, what's so fun about some cheese on a pizza? And cheesy-filled? Makes me think there's no cheese in there at all. At any rate, I really don't want to try one.

Now on to some Trixter talk. I have discovered she's very picky about her water! Either that, or she just hates the water cooler at work. I would always fill up her bowl, and she would never drink out of it. Then she would come home, tank up like mad, and need extra pee breaks. I thought it probably wasn't healthy for her to drink like that, and Steve thought maybe she didn't like the water out of the cooler. So I started bringing water bottles filled up from the tap from home, and she definitely drinks more of that water than the water cooler stuff. Trix, you're odd. But at least you're not drinking all your water at night.

I've noticed the last little while that if we walk a long way, she will need extra chances to pee than she used to. She used to only maybe pee once, and maybe poop once if we went really long. Now, she pees at least twice mid walk, once at the beginning and once at the end. Is this just an older dog thing? She doesn't seem to need extra relieving times when at rest, but there are definitely more pee breaks on walks.

This winter, or near lack of it, has had Trix all confused. By January, she was acting as if spring had sprung. Silly pooch. I'm sure she was very disappointed when more snow came.

Man, Trix was mad about the new bus locations. Well, it was more that she couldn't go on autopilot after a long walk. She knows where the old bus to go home was. Unfortunately, that's nowhere near where the bus pulls in now. So when I asked her to go to the new location, she pretty much threw a fit! She thought we weren't going home, and she wasn't having it! Ah Trix, you've forgotten. We get on the bus over *here* to go home now.

I don't know what it is, but lately I've had more fears about Trixie retiring. It's a scary thought that she's almost 7, and the average dog's working career lasts until they are 8 or so. So when I see things that are of concern, they really play into my fears. It's probably unnecessary, but I'm a worry wart, it's going to happen.

First there are the wee little things. Stuff like the amount of stretching she does when she gets up. She used to give it one good stretch. Now, she has to stretch one way, then another, then stretch again, and then she's ready to go. That's probably just her getting older, but I notice it. I also notice her doing the full body shake, like she's shaking off water, more often. I've heard that can be a stress thing, and I worry that all this zooming to Kitchener and back is stressing her out, even though I don't think so because I've done my best to keep her actual schedule close to what it was.

Then there are the bigger things. For a while it seemed like she didn't like jumping into the truck with me. As we headed to the elevator, she would walk all slow. I also noticed that sometimes, when navigating my work space, she didn't seem to know what to do. Going around the pole seemed like an impossible task. And once, recently, she got really confused at a complicated intersection and targeted the island in the middle of the road. This floored me because she knows not to hit that island and to go all the way across. I'm hoping that was just a freak occurrence. But other days she is just fine.

Then yesterday, after we had done a big walk downtown, when we set off to Dairy Queen, she fought me all the way. It could have just been that she didn't like to walk in the falling snow and sensed it would get worse, but it scared me.

One day, she stepped on something that bothered her paw. But she didn't lift the paw like she usually does. She dug all four paws in and wouldn't move. I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong. She wouldn't even heel, and we were headed towards home! It was at this point that I felt panic set in. Was she telling me she was done? Out of desperation, I rubbed each paw, and once I fixed the one that was bothering her, she took off like normal, but I didn't like the way that putting on the brakes made me feel.

Then other days she's awesome. It scares the hell out of me to think that that awful day is looming far sooner than I expected. Hopefully not, but only time will tell. I was hoping Trix could work until she was at least 9 or so. Hopefully I get my wish.

And I think that's all I can think of. I hate to end things on a downer like that, but I'm all out of ideas.

Now That, that Was A Birthday!

Man I've been a bad blogger. I don't think I've written for almost a month! Um, eek? I'll make no promises about how much I'll have to say, but I can start with raving about how awesome my birthday was on Tuesday. I need more birthdays like that!

I got up and started getting ready for work. We had the oldies station on and were listening to the usual morning stuff. One thing this station does is announce people's birthdays. I wondered what celebrities also had my birthday. So I'm just sort of listening to the local birthdays when I hear "...and Carin Headrick turns 33. Steve wanted the whole world to know." I think I shrieked.

But I wasn't done shrieking. Somebody always wins a coupon for a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. It's not really a free cake like they make it sound, but it's some money off. Anyway, I won the cake!

Now, when your birthday starts off like that, it's already pretty cool. But I got to work, and discovered a balloon on my chair! Coool! A balloon and lots of birthday wishes. Not only was it my birthday, but it was the birthday of the coworker I work closest with! So, we all went out for birthday lunch! Like, awesome?

All day long, I got birthday wishes on Twitter, email and the phone. That feels pretty good. Then, because said coworker was having a sort of big ish birthday, we got unexpected birthday cake! Damn but that was awesome!

I came home, and found that Steve had got me a Steven Page album. We went out to try the Works Burger, a new gourmet burger place. Man, do they have a lot of choice of burgers...and the milkshakes? Omnomnom! The burger was so big that I had to take half of it home.

When the folks at The Works found out it was my birthday, they gave me a birthday card with coupons for free stuff! Shweet!

So yeah. Damn but it was a good birthday. I need more of those.

Happy Last Valentine's Day Together, Honey!

If you want to do something a bit different for Valentine's Day and maybe even wind up single by the end of the week, I might have just the thing for you.

Why not treat your special lady or gentleman to a romantic tour of New York's Newtown Creek Wastewater treatment plant? I can think of all kinds of reasons, but hey, to each their own, right?

Jim Pynn says the highlight of the tour will be the plant's giant egg-shaped digesters, which break down the noxious waste into harmless sludge and gas.

Hmmm...giant egg-shaped digesters? I think I dated a couple of those in high school. Nice to know they're finally the highlight of something for somebody somewhere.

If you bring this outing up to your significant other and he or she seems a little hesitant, surely the offer of a Hershey kiss compliments of the plant will fix that right away. You know, because nobody can turn down a small nugget of chocolate from a friendly sewage worker. Nope, nothing sounds wrong about that at all.

If any of you go on this tour, be sure to let us know how it went...once the swelling goes down.

That's The Pound Of The Man, Whacking For The Chick Gang

Normally I would struggle to explain something like this to myself, but Valentine's Day is coming up, so you've gotta do what you've gotta do to keep the love alive in a tough situation.

The story, according to the authorities, is that Terry Glenn Doxey was sitting in a Cadillac across from the jail that housed his girlfriend and some other interested female inmates. With an interior light shining so they could see, he and the blue jumpsuit he was wearing proceeded to show them how well he could drive a stick, if you will.

When police put a stop to the show, Doxey denied masturbating for the benefit of himself or anybody else, but police reportedly found items in his car that suggested otherwise. They also claim that this isn't the first time the same car has been spotted near the jail.

He was booked on a felony indecent exposure charge and is now in jail, just like the woman of his creams...I mean dreams.

I have no snappy way to end this, so I'll leave you to wonder if you are as dedicated to the one you love as this Doxey fellow seems to be. I'm not sure I am, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Please Continue To Let Somebody Do The Holding For You

The reasons for me to finally cave and invest in a phone much smarter than my current one have been piling up for a while now, and here's another one.

Calling customer service usually involves a kink in my shoulder, bad jazz flute music, and lots of waiting. I've decided that I've got better things to do, and thankfully, so has Fast Customer. This brilliant app (available for iOS and Android), lets you choose from a list of over 3,000 customer service numbers. Find the company you want to speak to, and request a callback with one button— then put your phone down and get on with your day... Fast Customer calls you back when there's a real live human on the line.

They admit in the video that it's not perfect, but do say that there's a feature for requesting new companies you'd like to see added. Perfect or not, If I had a phone that could handle it I'd try this in a heartbeat. It would be pretty hard to be worse than sitting there for an hour listening to bad music that gets cut off every 30 seconds by ads and instructions to keep waiting.

A Word Or 6 On Fixing Computers, And Happy Birthday Carin!

I'm not a hardcore tech support guy, but enough people look in my direction when bad things happen to perfectly good computers to make this seem like a worthwhile article. 5 Things You Should Know Before Trying to Fix Your Computer.

There is much great advice to be found here, but sadly most of it is going to fall on deaf ears, I'm afraid. I'm not sure what it is, but completely smart, reasonable people are just not capable of understanding anything when it comes to computers. You can put things in the simplest of terms and they're completely lost. Sometimes it looks like they get it, but you're fixing the same damn thing for the same reason within a year, usually a lot quicker than that.

The malware section I find particularly amusing. That, more than any other computery thing, is my department. And it really is that hard to get people to click the fucking button...whether that button be fix or update.

Which, I should point out, brings me to another problem. Those free programs are awesome. They've saved many a system that I've set them loose on. But as with anything else, there's a catch. The free version's don't run in the background and more importantly, they don't update automatically. You can install the best software there is, but if nobody's updating it and running it now and then like you've told them to, you're no further ahead. It's hard to fix today's infections with 5 months ago's detection routines. I really can't fault the software companies. They have to make a buck to keep development going and selling automation is a good way to do that. But it's a serious pain in my ass when somebody gets one of those no, I'm not letting you update anything kind of infections and I have to find a way around it.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at here is people, please do what I tell you. If I say it's ok to hit the button, hit the thing. If I say please update this program once every week or 2 and then run it when you won't need the system for a while, it won't kill you to wait on putting up that awesome Facebook status for a while. In fact it'll save you lots of waiting when you don't have to pack your system off to Mr. Fix it again. Please, just listen to me. I'm trying to help.

Ok, I'm off to buy Carin a birthday dinner at Guelph's new Works Burger. I hope not to think much about computers while I'm gone.

Happy birthday, Carin! I hope it's been a good day even though they made you work through it. And I'm happy I could help you win the DQ cake from CJOY. Yes me, involved in winning something. I can't believe it either.

Thanks again to all of you who threw gift suggestions at me. Something is coming, albeit a little late. But that doesn't mean I shafted her on gifts. She got something today. Not that, you perverts...at least not yet.

Ok, I've said too much. I'm seriously going for food now.

The Day Of Ambush BJ Therapy Has Not Yet Arrived, It Would Seem

The next time I watch a porn flick that's set in a hospital, I'll be skimming the credits for Hal Weston's name.

According to police, the male victim was brought to the hospital after officers were unable to rouse him after he passed out in a police cruiser. At the hospital, the unconscious man (who was to be charged with public intoxication, trespass, and public urination) was put into an exam room, which was concealed behind a curtain.

Cops noted that an officer, who had been writing a police report, went into the exam room to check up on the unconscious man. That’s when patrolman James Gale spotted Weston performing oral sex on the patient around 2 AM.

Weston is, or was, an employee of the hospital. He has since been fired. He's been charged with forcible sodomy, which is a felony. He was taken into custody, but later bailed himself out and is now free. Funny, you'd think a guy like that might want to stick around a prison.

Friday Joke Pile

I always say I need to post jokes more often, and now I'm going to try to start making myself do it. I'm going to save the ones that make me laugh and want to post them in a file, and every Friday or whatever other day happens to be better because that's how things work around here, I'll slap them up here for you all to enjoy/get angry at/hate me for.

Here's batch one. thanks to everybody who tells and sends me these, and to a bunch of people on Twitter who aren't telling them to me specifically. Feel free to send some in if you've got them. I'd type out the contact info but it's all over the site, plus I'd really like a beer and am going to go get one instead of writing little bits of html to make your lives easier.

Enjoy, and feel free to tell any or all of these during your weekend outings...especially if you like having your head kicked in.

*Q: What has AIDS and flies?
A: Africa.

*Premature ejaculator seeks fem... oh, never mind.

*Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

*A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.

"The guy next to you got the last bowl," the waitress says.

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

"Are you going to eat that," he asks?

"No. Help yourself," replies the second guy.

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse

in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

Seeing this, the second guy looks over and says...

"That's about as far as I got, too."

*Q: What do you call a man with a one-inch dick?
A: Justin.

*My girlfriend used to smoke after sex... So we started using lubricant.

*Q: If an African farmer has 5 apples and his wife has 3, what do they have?
A: The whole village crowding around their house begging for food.

*I just saw a sign outside my house that said "We Are Digging This Road." I thought to myself, "Thanks, I love it too."

*I tried to deliver a baby the other day, but it died when I got its head stuck in the mailbox.

*A man goes to a bar in London for a couple of drinks. As he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting

in a corner, alone and staring at him.

He gulps down a couple of shots and gathering courage, goes upto her and says, "Excuse me. I'm Jerry from Baker Street. Can I

sit here and buy you a drink?" The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking away like good old friends.

At the end of the night, Jerry and the lady walk out of the bar together.

Again gathering courage and more than slightly drunk, he asks "Eschcuse me, can we have sex please?"

" Well I don't mind, but you see, I'm on my menstrual cycle," the lady says.

"No problem," says Jerry. "You take your menstrual cycle and I'll follow you in my Honda."

*My wife left me speechless today. I hate looking after our mute son.

*Son: "Dad, are those buffaloes straight?"

Dad: "They're bison."

Son: "Well, it's a free country."

*My wife said the thing she likes most about me is my honesty. "Thanks fatty," I replied.

*There's nothing worse than a spoiled child. That reminds me, I really need to get this freezer fixed.

*Answer: "Hand me downs."
Question: What is apparently not the nicest way to ask my wife to pass me our disabled baby?

*I hope I can get my money back for this oxygen mask. I don't look like oxygen at all.

*A dress belonging to Amy Winehouse sold for £43,200 at auction. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of

needlework went into it.

*I've got the worst sense of direction in the world...wherever that is.

*Q: What's long, black and dangerous to cut into?
A: The line at KFC.

*I've been dating a homeless woman for a while now, and I think it's getting serious. She's asked me to move out with her.

*Steven Hawking has released a new book. It's called Up the stairs in 80 days.

*My parents always told me war is never the answer. I can't count how many history exams I've failed thanks to them.

*When I was growing up, I had everything handed to me on a plate. Let me tell you, soup was a nightmare.

*An aged 007 with Parkinson's walks into a bar. The bartender says "Let me guess, just a normal Martini?"

*Somebody asked me my opinion on wind turbines. "I'm a big fan," I told him.

*I saw a headline that read "Woman beats off rapist." That seems like a reasonable compromise.

*Fred and Larry get married in California.

They can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, fine, tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

When Being A Baby Isn't Really Being A Baby

Kerry Fraser might be the enemy of Leafs fans everywhere for blowing that call in 1993 and costing the team a trip to the Cup final, but I'll give credit where it's due. Guy writes some pretty informative stuff for TSN these days.

I just came across this one while catching up on some reading and thought I'd share it. It's all about the different kinds of taunting and chirping we all know go on in hockey. It won't teach you any words or insults you don't already know, but it's an interesting look at a different side of the game. It's a good reminder that even though players are highly paid professionals playing a game they know is mentally and physically tough, they're still human beings.

Fraser talks about what it can be like when the trash talking goes too far, and how difficult it can be in the moment to put a stop to what needs stopping and let things go when it's ok. He also touches on how these incidents can change people for the rest of their careers and lives.

If you're a fan of hockey or sports in general, check it out.

For Once, An Ass Explosion That Can't Be Blamed On Taco Bell

It seems to me I have started posts in this manner before, but I must do so again.

Believe it or not, there have been times in my life during which I have been very, very drunk. I've had some good ideas and some not so good ideas, and have even written a post or 12. But never have I taken leave of my senses to such a degree that I thought hey, I should stuff a bottle rocket in my ass and light it. But even if at some point I had thought it, I assure you there is no chance I'd have done it. Travis Hughes, on the other hand, well...he did, and he's being sued now.

The suit was filed by Louis Helmburg III, who fell off of a railingless deck when the aforementioned chocolate rocket exploded inside of Hughes' rectum and startled him. Startled *him*? How do you think Hughes felt? The funny part is we don't know, because other than his new legal trouble, he isn't mentioned again. We have no idea how he's doing. He could be ok or he could be completely cheekless, but nobody's talking.

     Helmburg claims - in a statement it would be difficult to deny - that "firing bottle rockets out of one's own anus constitutes an 'ultra-hazardous' activity," which exposes both defendants to strict liability.

Helmburg says he suffered pain and medical expenses, and lost playing time on the Marshall University baseball team. He claims the Alpha Tau deck from which he fell lacked a railing, which violated Huntington building codes.

Helmburg says the fiasco came at about 1:30 a.m. on May 1, 2011, at an Alpha Tau house party he attended with his girlfriend.
     "Several of the people in attendance at said house party were under the legal drinking age, including defendant Travis Hughes," the complaint states.

"Most of the persons in attendance at said house party were also consuming alcohol with the full knowledge and consent of the ATO fraternity."

Several Alpha Tau members were on the deck when Hughes got his bright idea, including one or more fraternity officers, Helmburg says.

The complaint states: "Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck, located on the back of the ATO house. ...
     "Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant's rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent the deck.