The VC On Blogger: 2003-2012

Back in 2003 when all of this started, we were just a couple of dicks with free time who wanted a website but had no idea how to make one. Now, almost 9 years, hundreds of thousands of visits and 5 commenting systems later...we have Carin.

We also, as of this post going up, have a new home.

The new site isn't quite finished, but it's close enough. We're still putting some final touches on it and trying to figure out how to fix some unexpected broken, but that's pretty much been the story of this place from the beginning, so why mess with the formula?

I feel like I need to give Blogger a little sendoff before we turn out the lights. It has, in spite of all the times it's been a pain in our ass (new interface, I'm looking menacingly in your ugly, mostly inaccessible direction), provided us with quite a few cool opportunities that we likely wouldn't have had otherwise. Speaking just for myself, it's given me a chance to be part of other things that I thought would have outlasted this place by years and years and introduced me to quite a few really nice people and a few assholes both online and in person. The one's I've met in person have all been nice, just for the record. But most of all, it gave me a place to say things when I wanted to and have people actually hear them. So thanks, Blogger. You haven't always been the easiest thing to get along with, but you got us all started at whatever this is, so you've got that going for you.

And now...onward!

In case you missed it, the new site can be found at www.vomitcomet.org. If you're subscribed to an RSS feed or following us on Twitter, you won't have to do anything to keep getting posts sent straight to you. Same goes for the current email subscribers. You should have gotten your message this morning as usual, complete with a few items you've probably seen before. Sorry about that. That happened when I pointed the feed that makes the email in the new direction. Oh, and since that feed is the RSS feed, sorry to you folks too.

The only people I have bad news for are the ones who use Blogger's follow feature. I don't think there's a way to keep things as they are in that department since we're not publishing to Blogger anymore. If I find out there's something I can do I'll try to make it happen, but you have other options that you can feel free to use in the meantime. If you don't like Twitter or feeds or visiting sites directly, let me know and I can put you on the mailing list so you don't have to deal with the stupid CAPTCHA. We're still working on finding something without a CAPTCHA that will do the newsletter thing the way we'd like it done, but until then this is how it's going to have to go. If you'd rather not bother me and can type the letters and numbers you see or have something that can, the email signup form is here

And I guess that's it. Wow, this feels a little weird. Weird, but it's definitely for the best. See you all over at the new place, I hope.

Goodnight, VC Blogger. It's been fun.

Not So Great-grandmother

If I could ask Kimberly King one question, it wouldn't be who puts down a fifth of Jim Beam while spending the day watching her great grandkids? I already know the answer to that one. She does. The question I'd be asking is what series of unfortunate life choices causes one to be a great-grandmother at the tender age of 50? I'm doing some quick math and my brain is starting to cry.

According to the arrest affidavit, King’s granddaughter left her one and two year old children with King while she went to work.

When the complainant came back four hours later, King was reportedly passed out.

Police say both children had soiled their diapers to the point that the diapers were falling off.

Police found King in the bed where officers shined a flashlight in her face and woke her up.

Police say King had no visible injuries but admitted to drinking a fifth of Jim Beam while the children were in her care.

King has been charged with two counts of child abandonment. NO word on whether she'll be spending any time behind bars rather than in front of them like she seems to be used to.

Rectum Pharma Plus

When ever I see a story like this one, the same question always comes to mind. What's more painful, getting it there or keeping it there?

Police in Vermont stopped a car driven by Alex Boulet, a 29-year-old man from New York City. He was driving erratically, and they believed he might just be under the influence of something or other. As it turns out he was, but not in the way you would think.

During his pat down, the officer took note of "a hard object, the approximate size of a golf ball that was separate from his genitals." Taking note of such things is a job I would not want in a million years, I should point out.

The cops quickly obtained a warrant and an x-ray to see what that unexpected "hard object" might be, and then the staff of a local hospital obtained some laxatives which were given to Mr. Boulet. Boulet, perhaps sensing he was in for a long night, asked if he could obtain a cup of coffee.

After some waiting, the authorities hit pay dirt, if you will. Boulet set free a plastic bag. Inside that plastic bag were several more plastic bags. Inside of those were 84 individually rapped crack rocks. No, that's not a euphemism for anything. that's exactly what they found.

But wait, as any competent salesman would say, there's more!

A second x-ray showed that Boulet wasn't finished, and that x-ray was not disappointed. About 5 hours after old Santa Ass over here sent the rocks down the chimney, another gift arrived in the form of 218 Oxycodone pills stashed in 2 plastic bags.

There's that salesman again. If you call right now, you'll also get...

Another x-ray, another sign that the asscapades were not at an end. Get it? At an end? Yeah, that one sucked. It sucked, but not as much as I'm sure being transfered to the intensive care unit of a different hospital so you could give over the bag containing 11.5 grams of marijuana you planted in your brownhouse would suck.

After all this, Boulet was charged with possession of crack cocaine, marijuana and a regulated drug. He's now sitting in the Marble Valley Correctional Center (that's kind of funny) in lieu of $50,000 bail. Ok, so maybe he's not sitting necessarily. Sitting might not be fun. Let's go with temporarily residing. Yeah, that works.

Ahh, The Old You've Been Punk'd! Defence

Some days this job is like shooting fish in a barrel.

What days would those be, you ask.

Well my curious friend, days like the ones when some numbnuts walks in off the street and tries to rob a police station spring immediately to mind.

18-year-old Keithan Manuel's attempt went exactly as just about anyone but him would have expected, which means he's in jail now.

When reached for comment there, Manuel explained his actions thusly.

Manuel, in Dallas County Jail on several charges, including burglary, claims he visited the police station seeking information on a warrant, and was joking about the holdup, telling KTVT-TV, Dallas-Fort Worth, "I play like that all the time. I didn't think she would take it seriously."

Of course. You know how flippant those police types are about threats and crime.

Oh and Keithan, when somebody in that there jail tells you to be mindful of that whole soap thing. Yeah, that person isn't playing around the way you do.

Boys On The Hood

While this incident from a few weeks back might on some level be sorta fun, I recognize that this one involves a highly dangerous concentration of radioactive retardity.

Two Indiana parents are facing felony child neglect charges after they allegedly drove around with their respective children tied to the hood of a car with a yellow tow strap, police report.

The children--aged 4, 5, 6, and 7--were not harmed during the bizarre incident late yesterday afternoon in Fort Wayne.

The car’s driver, Aaron Stefanski, 29, is the biological father of three of the children. He was arrested on drunk driving and child neglect charges. Passenger Jessica Clark--the mother of the fourth child strapped to the vehicle--was busted for child neglect.

As was the case when last this happened, the kids were tied to the car not as some strange form of punishment, but rather because some drunken adults thought it'd be fun. Or as Stefanski explained it to the nice officer, "I thought they would like it."

Newsflash: Kids like alot of things they shouldn't. That's why adults exist. Well that and because without them there would be no more kids, but you see where I'm heading.

Oh, and this is nice.

A search of the vehicle turned up the tow strap and a "pink backpack that appeared to belong to a juvenile." The backpack contained "two 24oz Magnum cold beers."

No word on whether the beer also belonged to the juvenile, but my money's on yes. Come on, you know all of the screaming for help that would go with being tied to a hood for too long would really dry a kid out.

Long Weekend Audio: Weighty Issues

The audio machine keeps on rollin'.

This morning we got to do something I've been meaning to do for a while. I got to show you our talking scale...which sounds like my mom! It's kinda creepy hearing a voice that sounds like your mom telling you your weight.

It's a quick one, only 10 minutes, but here it is.

Long Weekend Audio: You've Got Questions? We've Got Babble.

This will be the last audio of the night. It would have been up sooner but...well...I got distracted.

We started off talking about the whole underline/underscore thing. Ro had said that Voiceover says "underline" still, and then Steve said that JAWS says underline too. More and more weirdness.

We decided that would be the last audio of the night. Poor Steve had been awake since 4:30 because he knew that I had to wake up early, so his body woke him up a couple hours before. Apparently, it likes to do that. I don't know about that sort of thing...as I've slept so heavy that my snore sounded like a broken fridge motor. The thunderworks were in full effect, so Trix was busily shaking away. So we decided to start answering questions people have been sending us. We explained again that we probably aren't going to do all the mailbag stuff in one go...because it just wouldn't work.

We started with Amanda's question about whether Steve has had any tape/nipple accidents lately. He said no, but he's sure it might happen again. He talked about how he must suffer for his art...which led to the question of whether nude portraits of Stephen Harper, ordinary-looking wooden benches, or toilets should be considered art.

Since we thought we'd rambled long enough about that, we decided to answer James's question about whether we miss Echo or Blogger yet...which is kind of funny since this post is getting posted to Blogger too. James, you wanted rage? You got it. Here it is in written form. We got to talk about how much more Wordpress allows us to do compared to Blogger, and how Wordpress search kicks Google Blogsearch's ass from here to China. As soon as we can find a daily email-sending thinggy, it'll be curtains for the Blogger version.

Other things mentioned in this section included that disturbing comment by someone named Hardon Ricky, and Weird Al's The Good Old Days. So yeah, James, I think you got your answer...loud and clear.

Finally, Ro asked us the condition of the talking beer koozy. In this earlier cast, it was going downhill. Well...the news isn't good. You can hear just how much poor old Joe has to say.

I don't know why, but every cast appears to have a Tugboat reference in it. Hope you don't hate us for that.

For this 42 minutes of goodness, grab it from here. Hopefully we can squeeze out some more audio tomorrow, and at least try and answer more questions.

Long Weekend Audio: What Made Me Choose A Guide Dog

Here comes another one. This one will be quick. Ceci asked me what made me decide to get a guide dog...so I started talking.

I hope something in here makes some sense. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are a bit disorganized and confusing. But I think my main points are walk with some guide dog teams and if you can, spend a little time with one, so you can really get a feel for it. And, ask lots and lots of questions.

I wrote some of this down in this ADBC post from a while back but here it is in audio form. Enjoy. This one's only 15 minutes.

Dear Cleveland:

Hi there. I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s Trixie. You don’t know me, but I’m old enough to be your grandma, or at least your aunt. I want to tell you a few things to get you ready for what’s ahead, so sit down and listen. Sit your wagging butt down and listen. You know how to settle. Good boy!

First, the good news. I know you’re scared. You’ve had a lot of change in your life. But you’ll come to find out that this is the new normal, and you’re headed for a lot of fun. All that weird stuff about
showing people poles and obstacles and stopping at curbs and watching for cars is all going to start making sense. That guy at the end of the leash? He *really* can’t see! I know you saw people slap things over their eyes so they couldn’t see while you walked around with them, but this guy doesn’t need a thing over his eyes. They don’t work. So you have to tell him about stuff or he’ll fall down or get hurt. I know how much you seem to like him, and he’s the one between you and the food bowl, so you don’t want that to happen, right? Right.

But pssst, let me tell you a secret. For a little while, you can use that non-working eyes thing to your advantage! At first, you can trick him a bit, like staying quiet when you really don’t want to go on tie-down, or trying to be sneaky. He’ll figure you out, but until he does…oh boy! Plus, people who don’t know the don’t pet the dog rule will get more chances to get their pets in because he won’t know what to feel for. Oh boy oh boy! Those were the days, and they’re all yours!

Oh. I’ve heard a little bit about where you’re headed. There’s another man there. I don’t know if he has nice balls like the fat man they call Steve does, but his eyes don’t work either. So, once you get taken off the leash, don’t sleep in the middle of the floor, or if you do, be ready to mooooove at a moment’s notice!

Oh yeah, another thing. When you have to pee, staring at the door isn’t going to work. Remember, his eyes don’t work. So, walk over and tap him and walk back to the door, or whine, or do something to tell him you have to pee. Otherwise, you might go pee where you shouldn’t, and if you’re like me, that’s just bad bad bad.

Oh yeah, just a little word of warning. Your human might be a little crazy worried about you. So, while he’s figuring you out, if you hack or do anything weird, you might end up at the vet. Don’t worry, this will get better. Be patient.

Where did you grow up? I know where I grew up, I wasn’t ready for the way the weather knob moves around up here. The first time it got c-c-c-c-c-c-cold up here, I thought this was the new normal, and that made me pretty sad. And it didn’t just get c-c-c-c-cold, the ground was covered in white stuff! There was the crunchy fluffy white stuff, and the slippery slidey white stuff. Go slow on the slippery slidey white stuff, or your human will fall down.

Anyway, it’s going to get c-c-c-c-c-cold and white, and all the rules are going to change. Sometimes, you have to climb over white stuff to get to the street, but some white stuff isn’t for climbing. And the humans are so mean. They take all the white stuff away from the places where people drive, and leave it where you and your human have to walk.

But the white stuff isn’t all bad. It’s fun to play in. *roll roll roll snort snort shukh shukh roll!* And your feet sink into it and you can see foot marks from where you’ve been. It’s neat!

I think I heard you have boots. I hate boots. I can’t think straight with boots on. What do you think of boots? Maybe you can get your human to get you the goo Carin puts on me. Mushers something. It’s nice goo. I don’t like it much when she’s putting it on, but it does a good job, and then I don’t have to where those prancy horsey boots! Yuck!

But let me tell you. The white stuff will go away, and you’ll get the nice grass back. I know you won’t believe me, but it will.

Hmmm. I think that’s most of the tips I can pass on to you. You have a lot to learn. You need to figure out how to talk to your human. He speaks human and tries to speak dog. You speak dog and try to understand human and get the message through. Sometimes it works, sometimes, not so much. Some days it feels like you can’t get anything right and you’d rather sniff a bush. But sometimes, you just feel so darn good you want to wag so hard your puppy raisers can feel the breeze off your tail. Eventually, it will be more good than bad, but you two have a lot to learn, so expect some not so good. But you’re a good boy and a smart boy, and he’s a good human and a smart human. You’ll figure it out.

I can show you more tricks if we get to meet in person. Then we can really wiggle noses and share secrets, but until then, this will have to do. I hear you just got off a flying car bus thing, and you’re probably huuuuungry. Everything is fine. Try and relax.

With licks, wags, shukhs and snorts of hello,

Trixie

Long Weekend Audio: I Like Traffic Lights...

Thank Monty Python for the title.

Well! Aren't we the audio crankin' machines? We decided this one would have a different twist on it. We decided to take you, the loyal vomiteers, on a walk with us. We'd never done this before...and it kinda showed in the audio quality. Most of it is pretty listenable, but there are some parts where...ow ow ow ow ow! Stream+need to raise voice over traffic=clip clip clip clip! So...do not listen on headphones, I don't think so. We'll do better next time...namely, place Stream on left shoulder. By the way, Shane? How did you carry your stream on your routecasts? I need pointers. I tested it before leaving and it sounded fine. I forgot the part where I need to raise my voice to be heard over the traffic din.

We decided to demo an audible pedestrian signal, or the blind guy chirp chirp lights as lots of people know them. We thought we'd clear up some confusion, as well as show the differences between two types of chirp chirp lights. We also thought we'd drop into Tim Hortons just because it's nearby, and pick up a couple things at the store on the way home. We turned the recording off when we were in the store just because really? do you want to hear "I'll have a smoothie. Yes debit. chinga linga loo, thank you!"? That's boring.

We split this bad boy into two smaller parts. There's part 1, the trip to Timmie's, description of the lights and how blind people cross streets, talk about the new Tim Hortons bigger drink sizes, and other babble. You don't hear it, but Trix got called a cute dog by some random passer by. As we arrive at Tim Hortons, Steve asks again what constitutes a yogourtless smoothie? It has been written, but we felt like talking about it. That bit is about 23 minutes long.

In part 2, which lasts about 25 minutes, on our way home, we talked about how poor Steve got hit with a giant allergy attack, how we didn't get to ask what a yogourtless smoothie would look like, and how Steve thinks ice caps are disgusting. I happen to like them, but he thinks they're ick. This made us decide we would do our questions not as one cast, but as the mood struck us to talk...and it was time to talk about the differents between Canadian and American iced tea. And, since we were answering that question, we went in to the whole milk in a bag thing.

Because you can find everything on the internet, here's a history lesson on the milk bag, and a video explaining how to drink milk from a bag. The video isn't too blindy friendly, but it basically echos the description that we gave in the cast. I just thought it was funny that someone made a video about this.

I have also learned something. This milk in a bag thing only starts in Ontario and moves east. Westerners get mad if you accuse them of drinking milk in a bag. In describing the different sizes of milk cartons, I start singing Good Luck to the Barleymow. Now you can enjoy a much better version.

As we walk down the street yammering about milk bags, I have a question for folks who live in the UK that came up. I was talking to Torie on Twitter, and somehow crossing streets came up, and she said that over there, they have to wait for an all quiet, cross at a zebra crossing, hit a beep beep light, or wait for assistance. The idea of walking with the parallel traffic is not safe. Is this true across all of Ireland? Can other blind folks explain this? Frankly, the idea of not being able to go with the surge is about as weird to me as Americans find buying milk in a bag.

And we arrived home with our stuff, Trix drank furiously, and we signed off.

So, I hope you can enjoy this clippy cast. I apologize again for that. Hopefully we can learn and do better.

Long Weekend Audio: Caboom!Cast

The urge struck us to do some more audio, so here we are. We had a lot of fun doing this one.

It started with me not saying go at the right moment. Woops. Welcome to me not being a good record button-pusher. Then we just rambled about the awesome weather, the Blue Jays winning again, and the coolness that is our balcony.

I don't know if you can hear what happened next, but somebody's car alarm similar to the one I described in this old post started going off, so Steve started imitating it...at which point, Trix brought us back to the reason we decided to do this audio in the first place.

Unfortunately you can't hear it, but Trix started circling us, puffing furiously. We put the mic in her face, but she did not puff hello. I described some new behaviour Trix does when there are fireworks or thunder storms, or our new term, thunderworks! The fear has been with her all along, but it has changed recently. Oh yeah? and I meant 1 a.m. not p.m. woops.

And as we finished up our thunderworks discussion, we came up with another term. Nicky Nicky Blind door: the act of a blind person knocking on the wrong door, realizing it's the wrong house, and getting the hell out of dodge, leading the person who lives in the wrong house to believe they've been a victim of Nicky Nicky 9 Door. And here's the link to the story of that blind guy getting shot in the face when he entered the wrong house. Oh yeah, and here's the story of the drunk unintentional houseguest we had one night. Before we move on, here's that car alarm bit I was talking about, a super detailed account of Shoe's surprise 40th birthday party, and a picture of the yes please burger. Holy crap, how many things did we have to mention in that short stint?

Moving on, we talked some more about the hot weather, and the plants a friend and I are planting in the Enabling Garden. Hey, anybody know where the reference "fuck this cat, and fuck this door!" came from? Go ahead and take a guess. At this point, we came up with our third invented word, Friedo (pronounced "fried o"): dog left in a hot car. We also made up some new lyrics to what would be the Frido song. And you know what? We should have stuck to that song...because I proceeded to ruin the next song we attempted. Even these people did a better job.

This led to an awesome story of how, in his CFRU days, Steve unintentionally insulted electronica. R2D2, a television and a vacuum having a threesome, you say? What a description.

Wow. This thing goes everywhere. We went from how you can't please everybody on the radio and on websites to me apologizing for not realizing that the Jonathan Sory story was more tragic than it seemed on the surface.

...which somehow led in a long and winding way to things taking on a totally different meaning if you're just listening to them, which then led to talking about screen reader users who just go by the way words sound and don't check the spelling, which can lead to some rather creative typos. Man, if you're bored, I understand.

Before we signed off, I made fun of Steve's loud phone text message noises, and Trix reappeared, looking all scared all over again.

And that about does it for another one. I think coining 3 new terms is pretty good. We enjoyed putting it together, hope you enjoy listening. Go get it in all its 1 hour and 7 minute glory.

Long Weekend Audio: The First Of Many Casts

Well...our first audio is up. We had hoped to have it up last night, but we kind of fell over after we finished recording it. The file got uploaded to the server, but hell if I was going to write the post around it. So I'm writing it this morning.

Poor Steve had to start it alone, because Trix had to take care of business. But I figured I'd make my presence known. If you wondered why Steve suddenly made some yelling noise in the middle of his sentence, no, he hasn't lost his mind. I was down below, making the Tugboat noise at him. I hoped the mic would pick it up, but it didn't. The Tugboat noise? Yes, the Tugboat noise. It's about 6 minutes in, but there it is. Probably if I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it either.
If you don't feel like waiting 6 minutes for 16 seconds of Tugboaty goodness, you can download his promo right here. Eeeeeee!

After I distract him with randomly-placed Tugboat noises, Steve manages to get his groove back, and talks about our new website, and how it's awesome to have audio capabilities back. He then moves on to baseball, and how certain Blue Jays are doing really well while others were awesome, but need some help.

When I got back, we talked about wrestling, and I finally sort of mention Tugboat, but we really couldn't do him justice. That moved us on to how much wrestling has changed over the years, and how hard it is to be a new fan today.

Next up, I gave a brief update on me, and how Trix gave me a little bit of a scare. This led us to talking about how awesome it is to move over from Blogger to a place where we actually have some server space, and the awesome that is Skynet Communications. We also got to rag on Blogger importer for screwing up who wrote what, and being just a wee bit bizarre.

Somehow we got from here to talking about the new Guelph Central Station, AKA the land of confusion where our city buses live now. We talked about how eventually we hope it will be easier to navigate, but right now, it's a total zoo, and we're all confused, which is really fun when transfer times are next to 0. We also talked about how it's kind of dumb to have a heap of bus platforms and no real shelter, since the inside of the building won't be functional until 2013. Also, we mentioned that that light at St. George's Square is no longer an all-way stop, so don't die, everybody.

As we talked about the crappy decision that was changing routes in January, we some how wandered into describing our creepy landlord from the old apartment building.

Next up, Steve gave his opinions on foreign music. What more can I say about that little piece. Oh, I can link to the video I mentioned as part of the conversation.



While Steve went to get a beer, I talked about how awesome Shane's podcasts are, and how they brought back memories of training.

Things begin winding down with another plug for Skynet Communications. Somehow that led into a talk about how the "underline" key is now called "underscore" and wondering how that happened.

We wrap things up by reminding people that they can send us questions and we will answer them in an audio mailbag, but we need more questions, so keep sending them in.

And that does it for our first 53 minutes of chaos. If you feel so inclined, go get it. Enjoy, and there will be more to come, I'm sure.

The Website, Terrible Beer, Audio Returns And Some Jokes At The End

I just got an email from Molson asking me to "answer the call of the long weekend." I'm sure this is code for please drink our shitty beer, so the long weekend will be getting my voicemail.

That really did just happen.

Anyway, how's everybody doing? I hope you're all doing well and are less tired than this guy, who for some reason woke up at 20 after 4 this morning. Bad times, but it's still better than being sentenced to a long weekend of Molson.

If you've seen it (and if you follow one of us on Twitter and clicked on this post that way you have,) we hope you're liking the new website. It's almost finished, thank the lord. The only thing we need to do before we can 86 Blogger for good is figure out how to make the new server send out daily emails full of our wit and wisdom like Feedburner is doing now. I know we can probably transfer the current feed over and keep everything as it is, but since Feedburner has a CAPTCHA that we can't disable on its subscription form, fuck those guys. If we were content with firing off emails whenever a post went up the problem would be solved, but since we sometimes go on insane posting jags that's not going to happen. We care about you all too much as readers and in some cases friends to put you through that. If anybody knows of something free or close to it that will allow for what I've described, let us know.

Besides that, we're pretty much good to go. All the posts have the correct bylines on them (kiss my ass again, blog importer) and all the downloads that haven't worked for months are now alive and well on our new server which, I should add, is fast as hell. I should also add that relinking them was a much easier process than we had anticipated thanks to a handy search and replace plugin that Carin dug up. That's one thing I love about Wordpress. It's insanely customizable and has loads of functionality built right in, but if it doesn't do something that somebody has ever wanted it to do, that person has probably built a plugin that'll get it done.

If you're thinking about making the move from something like Blogger or even about starting a new site, give Wordpress a shot. And if you happen to be in the market for some hosting for that reason or any other, drop a line to Shane and James. Tell them Steve and #CarinOfTheWin sent ya. I'm not sure what it'll do for you in the favours department, but give it a try and let me know how it goes. If it does nothing, I'm putting Shane on notice that at some point I may have to resort to tossing him around like I used to when he was little. Wait, what am I saying? He's still little.

Oh, I almost forgot, we need to get AdSense up and running as well. I'm not looking forward to that. Messing with ad sizes, styles and positioning when you can't actually see what your site looks like isn't high on my list of fun activities. Carin's either, as it happens. If any of you have a good idea of what might work around these parts, please get in touch.

But AdSense or not, daily digest or not, it's time to celebrate! And what better way to say thanks for putting up with our quietness and website talk and to break in a new server than a little something we like to call Long Audio Weekend!? Quiet down, crickets! You're drowning out the cheers of celebration that I'm sure are coming from all over the world! But yes, now that we have a reliable place to put them, we can do casts again, and do casts we shall...unless something bad/unexpected comes up. I'm not sure what we'll talk about, but we'll think of something. All the stuff we haven't gotten around to writing down might be a good place to start.

With all that out of the way...I suddenly realize I can't remember what else I was going to write down. This is embarrassing. Hmmm...what to do? I know, have a few of the jokes I've been saving. That and be sure to follow @ShakespeareSong if you don't already. One of my favourite things ever on Twitter.

See you for audio weekend unless I remember something between now and then.

Ok...jokes!

*Okay, I know the order of the pedals is clutch - brake - accelerator, but how do I start this piano?

*There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

*Some guy called my wife a pig the other day. I said, "Don't listen to him, Babe!"

*In 1950's Ireland, the Catholic Church ruled the country with an iron fist. It was a tough time to be an altar boy.

*After the accident, my wife was left a vegetable.

"Who left this vegetable here," She asked.

*I just heard on the Radio that the Leader of the Monkees has died. R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.

*As the sperm swam with a mission in mind toward the egg, I thought to myself, "Wow, I've really ruined this breakfast buffet."

*Q: Who is a Catholic priest's favourite singer?

A: Kneel Young.

*Muhammad Ali vs. Michael J. Fox: The Quickest Game of Jenga Ever.

*Two gay guys were on the beach. One says to the other, "shall I put the umbrella up?" The other replies "yes, but don't open it!"

*My mate has got a computer document full of 16 year old girls. What a PDF-file.

*Q: What do you call someone who's had their car stolen?

A: A taxi.

*A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.

"Why so many, buddy," the bartender asks.

"I'm celebrating my first blow job," The man replies.

"Well hell, congratulations," says the bartender. "I will give you one on the house."

"No thank you," replies the man. "if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't make a difference."

An Interview With Carin And I All About Adjusting To Guide Dog Life

We should have been all over this like fat kids on candies last week, but since late to the party should almost be our next header slogan nowadays, let's just go ahead and do this now, shall we?

Shane, one of the lovely and talented folks responsible for the new home our website has now, is off getting himself a guide dog from Guide Dogs for the Blind. That's the same place Carinw ent to get the Trixter, in case you've forgotten or are new. He's not at the same campus she was, but the training ideals and apparently the food are the same.

Since he appears to be some kind of machine that will sleep when he's dead, he's been blogging and podcasting his adventure like a friggin madman. He's taken us on his trip to the school, on a bunch of training routes and is even finding time to interview people about their experiences with dogs and getting them to answer questions for folks who may want to go down a similar road in the future.

One of those interviews, as it happens, is with both myself and Carin. Ok Steve, we understand Carin, you're saying. She's got the dog. But you're just the fat man with the nice balls, as Trixie would say. What wisdom could you possibly have to impart? Well, if you'd like to find out, you can truck yourselves on over here and have a listen. And if you'd like to follow along with Shane's dog saga, all the posts you're looking for should live here.

Thanks to Shane for having us. Hopefully something we had to say will be valuable and helpful to somebody.

The Internet Always Wins

While government and industry around the world is busy passing and working to pass more and more internet and free speech hating spy laws, those who actually use and understand the internet and how it works are busy doing what they've always done. Evolving to get around the broken.

A new survey has revealed that young people are responding to tough legislation and increasing levels of online spying by investing in VPN services. The study, carried out by the Cybernorms research group at Sweden’s Lund University, found that when compared to figures from late 2009, 40% more 15 to 25-year-olds are now hiding their activities online.

Hilarious. Sad that it's come to this, but still hilarious.

Surely lawmakers and lobbyists would argue that these results don't mean much, likely after they finish asking what in hell a VPN is. They would be somewhat right of course, at least for now. The vast majority of internet users don't know what a VPN or a proxy is, but there was once a time when the vast majority didn't know what a Napster or a LimeWire was either, and that's kind of what got us into some of this surveillance mess in the first place.

Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

Oh...my...freakin...lord!2 Teens Hit By Car While Sunbathing.

"Yikes," you're thinking to yourself. "Those poor girls! What sort of drunken maniac drives that far off the street and hits a couple of poor, innocent kids?"

The answer, I'm sorry to report, is nobody.

What that headline there fails to mention is that these two nimrods were tanning in the middle of the road, fell asleep and were driven over by a fellow who is reported to be a cousin of one of them.

The video at the link above should play automatically, which is nice since I am currently as bereft of words as these kids are of clue.

Bridge Over Troubled Rail Lines

Remember that time 4 years ago when a group of thieves made off with 4 tonnes of railway bridge? Believe it or not it's happened again...in the same part of the world, no less.

But unlike last time, these thieves weren't content with a paltry 4 tonnes of bridge.

Armed with some forged documents claiming they'd been hired to dismantle the structure and an obvious go big or go home philosophy, these fellows got away with 10 tonnes of footbridge and more than 650 feet of railroad track. Officials say the cost of replacing it will likely hit the several million dollar mark. No idea how much all that metal will be worth on the black market, but going to all that trouble would seem to suggest a pretty penny.

Not So Hot Wheels

I realize that this is completely stupid and dangerous and that I might have to murder somebody who tried it with my kid especially given the condition they were in at the time, but the kid part of me still thinks it would be pretty awesome and fun.

The grandparents of a seven-year-old Florida girl were arrested yesterday after they allegedly got drunk and used their SUV to tow the child while she was seated in a plastic Hot Wheels car.

Paul Berloni, 49, and Belinda Jean Berloni, 47, were busted Sunday afternoon after a sheriff’s deputy spotted them pulling the girl’s toy car, which was attached to the SUV by a pair of dog leashes. The child, who was not injured, was only wearing a swimsuit “and had no protective gear on whatsoever,” according to a Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office report.

A deputy estimated that the Hot Wheels car was traveling between 5-10 miles per hour when a traffic stop was executed. Paul Berloni, who was driving the SUV, reeked of booze, had watery and bloodshot eyes, and his speech was “slowed and slurred.” When asked for his driver’s license, Berloni said that it was “revoked for 10 years for a DUI.”

Belinda Berloni was riding in the vehicle’s cargo area “with the rear hatch open cheering the child on as she was being pulled behind the vehicle.” Berloni--who a deputy noted was also drunk--stated that “it was dangerous to drag a child behind the vehicle,” but that “they were just having fun and had been doing this all day.”

If you're looking for some babysitting work, I have a funny feeling that a position may have just opened up.

Grandma and Grandpa have both been slapped with child cruelty charges, and Grandpa, as you might expect, also got dinged for drunk driving and driving with a suspended licence.

Live To Rise

Even though just about everybody around me was, I wasn't a grunge fan growing up. Bands like Nirvana never did much for me. I don't know if I was too happy or what, but I just couldn't get into it. I can listen to it now, but back in the day, no thanks.

But for whatever reason, I always liked Soundgarden. There was something different about their sound that drew me in and kept me listening.

A big part of that is Chris Cornell. for my money that guy has one of the best voices in music. Not just rock or grunge or whatever we're calling it today, but all music. Have this version of Ave Maria if you don't believe he can sing for real.



Or just because I love the song, Sunshower.



the other thing I liked about Soundgarden is that the music was a lot more creative than some other bands of the time. They didn't just use the same few chords and rhythms and write depressing things around them. There was more to sink your teeth into and enjoy.

All of this just to say that I'm happy that they're back and that unlike the horrid Tattoo garbage that Van Halen shat out all over us, their new song doesn't suck. In fact I've had the chorus in my head for the better part of this week.



Live to Rise.



The info is probably out there and I just haven't found it yet, but I'm hoping this song isn't just a one off. It would be nice if there was enough new stuff in the works for an album.

Master Criminals Of History

Here's a bit of fun Saturday morning reading for you. 5 Supposedly Badass Criminals Caught in Embarrassing Ways

The only ones I don't remember ever hearing about are Robert Phillips and Joe Hunt, and Hunt is number 1 on the list for good reason. Astounding reason really, especially for a guy who is supposedly that bright.

Just Dropping In For Some Smokes

Until you ponder it for half a second, drilling a hole in the floor of the apartment above a store you want to rob might seem like a good idea. You can drop down, take what you want and then hoist yourself up again. No alarm, no suspicious breaking in or hiding in the store until it closes. It's perfect.

Well...not so much, at least not in the case of young Nicholas Pellon here. Hey. Pellon, that kind of rhymes with felon. Just sayin'.

What our 25-year-old thefting friend failed to consider was...just about everything, come to think of it.

For starters, who do you suppose lives in one of those apartments right above the store? Sure he busted into the place next door to his to drill his entry hole, but still.

Ahh yes, the entry hole. It worked great as an entry hole, but it proved to be a poor exit since Pellon was unable to climb up the same rope he used to drop down. I shouldn't make too much fun since I was always shit at the rope climb too, but I was just bad at it in gym class. I never thought to plan a burglary that hinged on skills I didn't have.

Unable to use his escape hatch, he frantically ran around trying doors for a while before eventually finding a way out through the basement with $150 worth of cigarettes. All of this, as you may have already guessed, was captured on the store's security cameras, which he also mustn't have thought about.

Pellon was easy to identify from the videos because not only does he live in the same building as the store, but he's also a regular there and even has a tab with the owner. Not for much longer, I reckon.

He's been charged with burglary, obviously.

A Gold Medal In Security Theatre Foolishness

So...does this seem ridiculous as all getout to anybody else, or am I a man on a dangerously unsecured island here?

LONDON — Surface-to-air missiles could be stationed on the rooftops of an apartment block in east London as part of Britain's air defences for the Olympics, the country's military confirmed Sunday.

Around 700 people living at the building in Bow -- about 3.2 kilometres from London's Olympic Stadium -- have been contacted and warned that the weapons and about 10 troops are likely to be based at the site for around two months.

Britain has previously confirmed that up to 13,500 troops are being deployed on land, at sea and in the air to help protect the Olympics alongside police and security guards. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has said Typhoon fighter jets, helicopters, two warships and bomb disposal experts will also be on duty as part of the security operation.

"As announced before Christmas, ground-based air defence systems could be deployed as part of a multilayered air security plan for the Olympics, including fast jets and helicopters, which will protect the skies over London during the games," the defence ministry said in a statement.

Listen. I like the Olympics as much as anybody. Yes, even though they're awarded based on legalized bribery and are a gargantuan money pit for any country that dares host them. What can I say, I like sports. But if this is where we're at in 2012, do we really need the Olympics? For Christ's sake, we're giving serious consideration to rigging manned missile stations to apartment buildings! In England! Because the hammer throw is in town! When you're at that point things have gotten way out of hand, and we all know that once you take this step, there's no going back. What's next? Unmanned drones with nuclear boms on them, just in case? The moment missiles at sporting events is a thing that doesn't get laughed out of the meeting in less than about 12 seconds, we're in some serious more trouble than it's worth territory.

Perhaps we should all do something else this summer. Something a lot safer than watching a couple weeks worth of cycling and footraces.

I Went To A Ball Game And Did Some Other Stuff

Before I say another word, I seriously just watched John Cena beat Brock Lesnar at Extreme Rules. No really, that happened. Don't ask me *why* it happened, but it happened. I guess I have to allow for the idea that this might be going somewhere and is part of a larger story, but this is 2012 WWE, so I might as well get my Jesus motherfuck on a slice of toast that was dumb out of the way now so there's no need for it later when they screw this up even more and I'm really pissed off.

So...how's everybody doin'? Other than that, I'm pretty ok.

The new site is coming along nicely. All the posts are now written by the right person, which is one huge job out of the way. the next part of Operation New Comet is to upload all the audio and video downloads to the new server so you can actually download them. Yes, that means all the VC Casts, the singing screenreaders and everything else will work again, and probably a lot faster than before.

I took a break from all the site business and had myself a fun weekend. I spent a good bit of it with our old friend Greg, who some of you would remember a lot better had Echo not hosed us so bad on that comment deal. Side note: Check out where that link goes. Remember, we're not finished yet. If it looks a bit like crap, cut us some slack. I'm just getting myself used to linking to the right site.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, weekend with Greg.

We spent Saturday afternoon down at the Dome (it'll never be the friggin Rogers Centre to me) watching the Jays take on the Mariners. These are always fun, especially because Greg is as much a Mariners fan as I am a Jays fan. Old brain injury, I think.

I was a bit worried about the trip because of Friday's debacle, but the Jays came through big time, sparing me an evening of listening to more laughter from a fan of a team much more terrible than my own.

It was a memorable game for a couple of reasons. It was my first ever live shutout (Jays 7, Mariners 0), plus I got to see my first ever major league grand slam!



Thanks, Edwin! I know you and I haven't always been on the best of terms, but that's all because your managers have had this weird thing about making you field. Your hitting I've never doubted. In fact I'm one of those people who wanted you to be a DH forever ago. It's that sketchy aiming and throwing stuff that gets me all riled up and angry about you. Now that you're where you belong and can focus on what you're really good at, you and I are just fine. I'll go so far as to say that this year, I look forward to your at bats even more than Lawrie's and Bautista's. You're the man, artist formerly known as E5!

There was also, like there is at most games, that guy from the visiting team who gets mercilessly heckled. In my section, it was Chone Figgins. It was pretty standard stuff for the most part, just people slowly yelling his name at him. Expecting much more from the people in our area would have been asking too much. I'm not sure how a few of them walked and breathed at the same time long enough to find seats, to be honest. But the best was when a little girl (at least we think it was a girl) who couldn't have been any more than about 4 looked over at the person next to her and asked "what's that guy's name?" She got her answer and the next thing you know, that cute little voice takes a deep breath and let's out the loudest "FIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" YOU'VE EVER HEARD, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. She was much more amusing than that stupid woman behind and to one side of me who kept calling him Shawn Desman, chanting "we love BJs" and laughing at herself all afternoon. I hope something mildly unpleasant happened to her later, something like being forced to struggle with the plot of a Dick and Jane book.

and because I usually can't let an outing like this go bye without commenting, wholly crapshite the price of beer at these places! I go in knowing it's not going to be pretty, but $9.75 for a woman to reach into a cooler, pull out a tall boy, open it and hand it to me? Yes, I said one tall boy! Not two! One! They were $9.75...each! Legalized robbery is what that is. It was extra off pissing because we'd both just finished buying 12 of the fucking things at the LCBO for $30 before we left for the game. If the aim is to get people not to drink so much, forget it. the problem ones usually have more money than they know what to do with or are smart enough to drink beforehand, smuggle the shit in or both. You're just screwing guys like me who want to have one or two while we enjoy the afternoon.

Speaking of drinks, I finally tried one of those Tim Hortons smoothies. They're ok. I'd probably get one again. but I have to ask. Why is adding yogurt extra? Yogurt, at least on planet earth where I come from, is kind of what smoothies are made of. Yogurt, fruit and juice. You cant' have a smoothie without yogurt, it's just not possible. At all. Ever. Cannot be done. What is Tim Hortons putting in these things to make people think that going yogurtless is an option, and how can they still call whatever it is a smoothie without running afoul of some sort of regulation?

Oh, and speaking of running afoul of regulations, I learned something useless yet amazing from Greg when we were back home enjoying our reasonably priced beer.

Poker Face, the song that everybody but Lady Gaga can make sound good, is not as it seems.



Pick a chorus and listen to it. When she's doing the thing about pa pa pa poker faces, tell me you don't hear "fuh fuh fuh fuck her face" at least once. I never noticed this before due to my tendency not to pay attention to crap, but poor Greg spends a lot of time with a Gaga loving child so isn't so fortunate. I went in with an open mind just like I do when one of those Islam is the light type things comes along, but unlike most of those I heard "fuck her face" without a doubt. It's not just our imagination either. Carin heard it, and a little Googling turned up this guy. How is everybody so clueless to this, or are they just choosing to ignore it and see what they can get away with?

That's about all for now. I'm hungry and it's supper time. I may even have a beer afterwards. And no Rogers, I won't be paying $9.75 for it, you arsecaps!

A New O Canada. Why?

Messing around with a national anthem is one of those things in music that's better left alone by most. for better or worse it sounds how it sounds, and that's just the way it is. Spicing things up tends not to end well, and I'm sorry to say that seems to be what happened to Daylight For Deadeyes here.

I appreciate where they're coming from even if I don't agree. I don't remember ever being bored by O Canada, but if you were, fine. And we live in a free country, so go ahead and take a crack at making it a bit better. But that free country thing, it kind of cuts both ways. So I hope you understand that even after a few listens, I still prefer Oh Canada as it was.

Your version isn't completely horrible. I've watched far too many sporting events for it to be the worst thing I've ever heard. I'll even grant you that what you've done "embodies the band's rock feel but still stays true to the original" as the article says, I guess. But I can't shake the feeling that this rendition would be the perfect one if the aim wasn't so much to honour our nation as to sell cars or cheap beer. Come on, tell me you can't see Molson slapping hockey highlights and pictures of lakes and mountains over top of this thing. It just sounds so...so...gimmicky.

Maybe it's just me, so I'll put it to the rest of you. Should O Canada really sound like this from now on?

Big Changes Are Coming!

After thinking and talking about it for what seems like forever, it's finally happening. The Comet is on the move! Money has changed hands and a site has been created. Now comes the fun part, and by fun part I mean craptastic series of doom-filled events.

Some of them, like reuploading everything downloadable to a server that actually works and changing the way our new template looks, I was expecting. It'll be tedious, but necessary and worth it when it's done. What I didn't bargain for was the post importer deciding that I had written every single post ever to have been published here. That's about 6500 of them, in case you were curious. So because that happened, we now have the ever so lovely task of going through each one manually and assigning the proper author to it. And since our staff consists of me and Carin when she's in the correct town and has a few minutes, this could take a while unless somebody knows of a way to automate the process.

If you don't see loads of new posts here in the next little while, you know why. We're not slacking off, we're just trying to settle into our new home.

Speaking of our new home, you can find it at www.VomitComet.org. Yes, all of this stupidity is an org. Until the new place is ready for prime time, anything that does get posted we'll put both here and there so the change isn't too sudden and just in case we break something along the way. There's a very good chance of that happening with me involved, I should point out.

We'd like to send a big thank you out to Shane for all of his help. If you're in the market for hosting, talk to him. He's been hosting the Guelph Barrier Free site for a little over a year, and that thing runs like a top. And in the rare event it doesn't, him and the rest of the team are right on it, often at completely ridiculous hours. They know their stuff, and I hope they're prepared for the stupidquestionsfromstevealanch that is almost certainly heading right for them.

And now, I'm off to post this in a couple of places and perhaps have a good cry while thinking about what lies ahead. Wish me luck or laugh your head off at me, whatever suits your fancy.

Help Save The Guelph Public Library's Free Internet Access

Earlier in the week I posted about the unfortunate situation that the Guelph Public Library finds itself in thanks to our fantastic Harper government. Well, it didn't take long for people to take up the cause and start working to ensure that when the funding ends, the free internet access doesn't.

City councillor Cam Guthrie has started a pledge drive on Twitter to help raise the $6800 required to keep the service up and running in its current form.

Within 24 hours, Guthrie said, he had collected more than $2,400 in pledges.

"People have been retweeting it like crazy,” the councillor said. “I’m getting contacted by people I don’t even know saying they want to help out."

If you're interested in giving something no matter how big or small, send a tweet to @CamGuthrie and let him know. Every little bit helps.

It totally sucks that the public should have to step up and cover for our government's failings, but it seems that's where we are if we want this valuable service to continue. Give if you can, and whether you can or you can't, be sure to spread the word.

If You Ever Plan On Flying Again, You May Want To Skip This One

Um...uh...er...Wholly freakin crap! What text message could possibly be more important than safely landing a 220 seat airbus, Mr. Pilot?

The problems aboard JQ57 began when the co-pilot, the first officer, switched off the autopilot on the 220-seat Airbus A320 to make preparations to land.

Somewhere between 2500 feet and 2000 feet, the captain's mobile phone started beeping with incoming text messages, and the captain twice did not respond to the co-pilot's requests.

The co-pilot looked over and saw the captain "preoccupied with his mobile phone", investigators said. The captain told investigators he was trying to unlock the phone to turn it off, after having forgotten to do so before take-off.

At 1000 feet, the co-pilot scanned the instruments and felt "something was not quite right" but could not spot what it was.

At this stage the captain still did not realise the landing gear had not been lowered, and neither pilot went through their landing checklist.

At 720 feet, a cockpit alert flashed and sounded to warn that the wheels still hadn't been lowered.

At 650 feet, the captain moved the undercarriage lever "instinctively" but then a "too low" ground-warning alarm sounded as the plane sunk through 500 feet, indicating the landing gear was not fully extended and locked.

The co-pilot was confused by the captain's action in lowering the wheels, as he was getting ready to do quite the opposite  to abort the landing and re-ascend to the skies, investigators said.

Neither spoke to each other about their intentions.

At 392 feet, the crew aborted the landing and powered up the thrust.

At this time the pilots had lost track of their altitude, thinking they were much higher, at about 800 feet.

A further piloting error occurred, with the wrong flap setting during the ascent.

When the mistakes were recreated in a simulator, investigators determined there were two minutes of descent, from 2800 feet to 1000 feet, where the pilots failed to take any necessary actions, including putting the wheels down.

Thankfully things turned out ok and nobody was killed. But really, who does that? And why am I not seeing anything about a firing in here?

Get some help, man. You clearly have a text addiction problem.

You Stupid, Stupid Kids!

Ug. Just...seriously. Say these kids are young all you want, but that's no excuse. Us smart ones had this train shit nailed down at the exact moment mom and dad taught us about looking both ways for cars. The thought process went a little something like this: Oh damn, those things move fast. Ok, I'll be sure not to fuck with them.

The video was taken on a stretch of CN rail line near 16th Avenue Public School in Richmond Hill, north of Toronto.

The CBC viewer captured two pieces of video, taken moments apart. They show two children, who appear to be no older than 12, playing a dangerous game with passing CN freight trains.

In the first video, one youngster "plays chicken" with an approaching train, stepping off the tracks seconds before it passes at high speed.

In the second piece of video, two children — including one from the first video — touch a slow-moving train as it passes in the opposite direction on an adjacent track.

If you click the link not only can you see the videos, but you can read all sorts of other mind boggling stupidity about how yes this shortcut is unsafe but I save 15 minutes by using it and yeah, let's keep hacking open the fence the train people keep fixing. surely there's no reason why they don't want us there.

If it weren't for the knowledge that some poor sap will have to clean your guts off the tracks and that it would slow down the days of innocent people when the trains have to stop, I'd wish death upon you all.

Retards.

A Musical Reminder To Carin As She Gets Ready To Take Trixie For Her Physical

This will only make complete sense to two people, and we both live here. The rest of you can feel free to enjoy the music, though.

A Bunch Of News Bloopers, Just Because

These are always fun and it's been a little while since I've seen one, so here's a random tv news blooper reel.



If this 2 and a half minutes teaches us anything, it's that man, newspeople sure think about sex a lot.

Happy Birthday To Canada's Polka King

Since I posted last, I've been trying to think of a reason to embed a YouTube video to make sure that Blogger and the steaming inaccessible pile it calls a streamlined interface didn't break that along with everything else to which it has laid waste. Thankfully I didn't have to think too hard, since this new system is well on its way to breaking my brain.

Today is Walter Ostanek's birthday! Canada's Polka King has turned 77, so what better way to celebrate than with his own happy birthday song?



Let's see if this works and if I've fixed my line spacing problem.

Happy birthday, your majesty!

Wow, What Broke

"Introducing the completely new, streamlined blogging experience that makes it easier for you to find what you need and focus on writing great blog posts." Everybody's a comedian, eh Google? I've been trying for nearly 9 years to write a line that funny and you guys just crank it out like it's nothing. Way to make a longtime user feel inadequate. Speaking of inadequate, did anybody test this new interface for screenreader accessibility? If so, which cereal box did this person's qualifications come from, and when is he going to be allowed to use an actual screenreader? Carin already took this thing apart, so I won't go over it all again. I'm mainly just mentioning it again because it needs it, plus I wanted to see if I could link back to that by hand or if you guys went and fucked that up again like you did years ago. With this test out of the way, next up is making sure I can still embed videos and figuring out how to add pictures. Oh, and probably talking to some hosts about getting ourselves hooked up with Wordpress and lots of server space so we can do audio again.

So, About That New Interface...

Well...that was not the most pleasant experience.

So I got the old interface back for now. That was about six different kinds of blech. I also sent Blogger some not so nice feedback about their utter disregard for accessibility and how they may be forcing me to kick them to the curb.

So...here's the scoop on the new Blogger interface and why it blows chunks.

1. Heaps, piles and tons of unlabeled buttons.
2. Sometimes, pressing enter isn't good enough. You have to simulate a mouse click, spin around, bark like a dog, and whistle Dixie to get some of the buttons to show up.
3. By consequence, good luck changing any settings. You can post, just barely, but if you ever wanted to modify settings again, you can just forget it.
4. and honestly, what's up with all the seemingly empty trees? Maybe that was an attempt at ARIA, and if so, you fail.

And that's about all I managed to discern before deciding that I wanted to heave the new interface off the nearest high thing.

Luckily, I could do just that, but for who knows how long. And even that wasn't easy. I will try to explain what I did, although I'm not even sure.

I think I hit the more options button down by go to posts list. That brought up a listbox, and in it was old Blogger interface. Somehow, by some magic I don't quite understand, I activated it, and hello old interface.

So I hope this isn't just a reprieve and I won't be screwed at the end of the month. If it is, there's no way in hell I'm staying with Blogger. That new interface is a nightmare, they were warned, and they chose to ignore us. That attitude is not one I'll put up with. It's kind of too bad that it's a free service because I'd like the satisfaction of never paying them another cent. I'd like to be able to say that if they have no regard for accessibility then they don't get my money...but I don't pay them. So I feel like I don't have as much power as I'd like.

It's too bad, because for the most part I liked the Blogger interface. Our blog even went through a few versions of it. But now they've gone and epically broken it.

If we do have to switch over to another platform, at least it's written somewhere why we had to leave.

This Is New Blogger...lookin' pretty sucky

Hmmm...Is this the post body? I guess we'll find out when I post. Sorry for the boring test, I just have heard that this interface is completely inaccessible for folks with screen readers. It looks pretty yucktastic, but maybe I can make it sing and dance. Hopefully this isn't the last post you ever see from this blog...if it posts at all.

A Few Fun Practical Jokes

If you're looking for new and fun ways to mess with somebody and need some ideas, perhaps some of these may be to your liking.



I've used the sneeze one before, it's almost always fun.

Does The K-E Stand For Killing Everyone?

I'll admit it. I could stand to lose a few pounds. A few more than a few, to be completely honest. But if this is what I'd have to resort to to do it, I'll happily remain my jolly, slightly doughy self.

Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.

The K-E diet, which boasts promises of shedding 20 pounds in 10 days, is an increasingly popular alternative to ordinary calorie-counting programs. The program has dieters inserting a feeding tube into their nose that runs to the stomach. They're fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat, mixed with water, which contains zero carbohydrates and totals 800 calories a day. Body fat is burned off through a process called ketosis, which leaves muscle intact, Dr. Oliver Di Pietro of Bay Harbor Islands, Fla., said.

Nope, doesn't sound unsafe at all. Not even the part where you're not hungry and don't eat for 10 days while you're traipsing around with your drip bag. Sure there are the small matters of feeling so lethargic that you can't go for a 30 minute walk, constipation due to lack of fibre and the warning that you shouldn't do this if you have kidney problems, but who cares as long as you look nice, right?

This sounds like a 1000 Ways To Die segment just waiting to happen. They wouldn't even have to write an annoying person backstory because we already have one. Seriously, just listen to this woman.

"I don't have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, 'You know what? Why not? Let me try it. So I decided to go ahead and give it a shot," she said.

Schnaider said she was never hungry throughout the 10 days she was on the K-E diet, but admits that it still wasn't easy.

"It was emotionally difficult, the 10 days of not eating," Schnaider said. "And sometimes I had to give excuses to people who were asking are you sick? And I was like, 'No, I'm not sick, I'm not dying, I'm fine.'

"I was tired. I didn't feel like exercising. The doctor told me that if you can compliment with walking for a half an hour on the beach, that would be great, but I didn't feel like doing that. I'm a very energetic person, but those days I was a little tired."

I don't know who I want to stab in the eye more after reading that, me or her.

Actually wait, it's definitely her. Her and anybody else willing to part with $1,500 for this. Those walks you're too drained for and not eating like shitcrap are much cheaper alternatives. And unless you get hit by a car or choke on something, they won't kill you, either.

Goodbye, Dick Clark

I guess Dick Clark really does age after all.

According to all sorts of reports, he suffered a massive heart attack this morning and died at the age of 82.

Dick Clark was another one of those broadcasters that you don't see much of anymore. The type who could host pretty well anything and seem to fit right in and feel right at home.

My first childhood memories of him are the guy who cohosted Bloopers and Practical Jokes with Ed McMahon and The $100000 Pyramid. It wasn't until a bit later that I learned about things like American Bandstand and all of his other contributions to music. I never got attached to the New Year's Rockin' Eve the way a lot of people did because we didn't have cable until I was well into my teens and we couldn't always pull in ABC to watch it, but I did tune in for the countdown and ball drop a few times and was sad to see him have to give up that gig after his stroke in 2004.

I wonder if our copy of Dick Clark's Rock 'N' Roll Christmas still lives at my mom's house. If it does, I'm going to make sure we listen to it when we have our party this year. That was the first place I ever heard King Curtis' version of The Christmas Song, which for my money is the best one around.

Exposing me to King Curtis and making me want to learn more about him is the kind of thing Dick Clark spent his life doing, and the kind of thing musicians and fans everywhere owe him a debt of gratitude for. He's one of the last of a dying breed and he'll certainly be missed. there'll never be another like him, without a doubt.

Here he is being interviewed about his career a few years ago. Video runs 25:42.

Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza: The Kind Of Thing Hell Is Made Out Of

I heard about this last week and have been trying to keep myself from machine gunning harf pellets out my mouth and nose ever since.

Pizza Hut is unleashing a horrid sounding concoction on the people of the United Kingdom. People who, aside from being responsible for some astoundingly head slappingly ridoncubonk health and safety regulations, have to my knowledge done nothing to deserve it. Speaking of those crazy health and safety folks, where are they now when the citizenry could truly use them to prevent the disaster that is the new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza?


"Succulent hot dog sausage bursting from our famous stuffed crust, with a FREE Mustard Drizzle" is how Pizza Hut is choosing to spin this culinary atrocity into sounding remotely food-like. They had me at Suck, but they lost me with this ulent business.

There are no plans currently to sell this in North America, which is honestly a surprise considering the kinds of things we'll put in our bodies for a price. But if you are in the UK and want to give it a go, A: it's been lovely knowing you and B: it only seems to come in one size, 14 inches. I'm sure some of you have dreamed of having a 14-inch hot dog in your mouth, but this certainly won't be like you imagined it.

Ok, I need to go now. I can feel the machine gun starting to reload.

Guitar Pee

A lot of the world's most famous and best loved music was made by drunk people, but I'm not sure the creations that will result from Guitar Pee will quite stack up to the timeless music of generations.

Guitar Pee is exactly what you think it sounds like. It's an interactive urinal that allows you to aim your stream at pretend guitar strings and make music...or at least something that could be technically defined as such. And to add to the fun, your masterworks will be automatically uploaded to the Guitar Pee website for all to hear. I'd say to enjoy, but let's not get carried away here.

So far there's no word on a girl version, but girls don't seem to enjoy pissing on stuff as much as we do so maybe there wouldn't be a market for it.

Who's More Crooked: The Bank, Or The Government That Allows The Bank To Exist

There's an old joke that asks how you know when a politician is lying. The answer, as you may have heard, is when his lips are moving.

Yes there are honest and well-intentioned people in politics, I know that. There have to be. This many people throughout so much history can't be this dishonest and corrupt. But these good people can only do so much when a system designed the way America's and increasingly the world's is is allowed to keep rolling along unchecked, unchanged and unquestioned. I don't know where things all went wrong, but at some point the bad people won. the same happened in business. And when you put politics and business together, you get this.

If you can read the story of Bank of America and not be horrified and angry, you have your hand in the pot. On this point there can be no room for argument. You either create and endorse this fraud and pocket much of the rewards, or you're a bought and paid for government accomplice. There's no other way to explain how this is allowed to continue, especially on the dime of the customer and the taxpayer who, it should be pointed out, are mostly the same people. This level of blatant lawbreaking would be enough to put just about anybody in jail until the human race ends and then some. But somehow it's earned Bank of America billions upon billions of dollars worth of everybody else's money, all with the support of government. Yes, the same government that keeps screaming fake outrage about what they're enabling.

This article is a long read, but it's worth it in spite of its unpleasantness. I'm not even American and this worries the hell out of me. Nothing says it can't happen here, and as I've said before, as goes America, so goes the rest of us. Do I know how to fix it? No. But somebody had better figure it out or we're all doomed.

Levon Helm's Last Waltz

Well, so much for posting that Levon Helm video to break up the sadness yesterday. Talk about timing. Around the same time I was putting that up, this was happening.

"Levon is in the final stages of his battle with cancer," says the note. "Please send your prayers and love to him as he makes his way through this part of his journey. Thank you fans and music lovers who have made his life so filled with joy and celebration...he has loved nothing more than to play, to fill the room up with music, lay down the back beat, and make the people dance! He did it every time he took the stage."

He sure did.

It's tragic whenever cancer takes somebody, but especially so when it seems the person has recovered and gotten on with life the way Levon did. It took a while, but he got his voice back and kept on going, sounding as good as ever. Here he is just a couple of years ago, crushing it like he always did. This became one of my favourite songs for a while, constantly getting stuck in my head.



It would take ages to write about all of Levon Helm's contributions to music and folks more qualified than I are already on it, so I'll just join the chorus of those saying thank you. Cancer can take a person, but it can't take the music.

A Post To Break Up The Sadness And Kinda Sorta Wish A Friend Good Luck

I disappeared for a few days and then came back with two posts full of sadness. Sadness is part of life, but we can't be sad all the time. So to lighten the mood, here's a video of Levon Helm being awesome.



I would also like to take a moment to wish Ro and her beloved Tampa Bay Rays good luck in their series with my Blue Jays. They're going to need it. Don't forget what happened to the Red Sox when they had the nerve to beat us once, or the Orioles when they dared do it twice.

Free Internet Access At Libraries: Just Another Thing The Conservatives Don't Think We Need

Wow. Score another one for the fabulous federal government we've been saddled with.

I don't use the internet access at the library because I don't need it, but I've always been glad to know I can if ever I do. But the Harper Government, in its whatever the opposite of infinite wisdom is, has decided that in an age where more and more things are moving online exclusively, it would be a glorious time to not renew the program that makes the free internet service possible.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Federal Cutbacks Jeopardize Free Internet Access at the Guelph Public Library

Guelph, ON – The Guelph Public Library has 34 public Internet computers available system wide for customers to use for up to an hour per day. This heavily used service generated over 100,000 sessions in 2011. Every day over 300 Guelph residents enter one of the 6 Guelph Public libraries and use one of these computers. The Government of Canada’s Community Access Program (CAP) has provided funding for this service since 1995. The non-renewal of the CAP program translates into $6,800 of extra funding the library will have to seek elsewhere to continue offering this service at every branch. 

Libraries promote the ease of and access to information for everyone. The digital information highway is another means by which the GPL assists its community. In a knowledge-based world and ever-changing economy, everyone can stay informed via social media, emails, online forums, government sites, and news outlets regardless of socio-economical status. Career and tax services are among the top Internet requests at the GPL. Library customers search for job postings, email resumes, and print online government forms – which are increasingly available only online.  

GPL CEO Kitty Pope shares her disappointment. “The Guelph Public Library is dismayed by the cancellation of this program and angered by Industry Canada’s assessment that the CAP program has “outlived its usefulness.”  People use them to apply for jobs, complete their tax forms and find information. The GPL does not have the $6,800 in its budget to support this program. If this program is essential to our customers, then it should continue to be supported by Industry Canada.”
 
For more information, contact:

Kitty Pope, Guelph Public Library CEO

kpope@library.guelph.on.ca

519.824.6220 x226

Goodbye, Gord Paynter

One of the last things I heard as I fell asleep to the sound of Carin looking at Twitter last night was that Gord Paynter, the only professional blind comedian I know of, suffered a stroke and died Monday. He was just 57.

It was sad news not just because 57 is a pretty young age to go or because Gord was really funny, but also for me personally since I had the chance to meet him once or twice many years ago and he was a very nice guy.

The thing I remember most about him was that unlike some famous people you meet, he seemed very willing to take some time and actually talk to you without it seeming like a chore. It was him who put into words for me what good comedians will do to get the most out of a joke, and explained the value of finding smart people in every place you play so you can tweak your material to get a few surprise laughs out of locals who don't expect you to know anything about them and their town. I wish I'd gotten the chance to talk to him more recently. The teenaged kid I was back then understood what he was saying, but you learn a lot between your teens and your 30's (at least that's the rumour), and it would have been nice to pick his brain having had more experience at life and amusing people.

Had I gotten the chance to talk to him again, I certainly would have thanked him for making my life easier a few times. I've met more than one person who learned through him that blind people were in fact regular people, just like them. We're not something to be scared of or treated overly differently in most situations. We can laugh at ourselves and by extension, it's ok for you to laugh at us. Leaving that impression with people is as important a legacy as all the laughs, maybe even more.



YouTube link.



YouTube link.

So, What Are You In For? Pretty Much Everything

I have no idea how I'm going to tag this thing, but I still must share the impressive tale of the crime spree of William Todd.

Nobody knows why he decided to hop on a Greyhound bus to Nashville, but he sure made a day of it. In about 9 hours, Todd is believed to have committed more than 10 felonies.

He started by breaking into a business called the Slaughterhouse. He helped himself to a Taser, a revolver, a shotgun and a T-shirt before shooting the place up and burning it to the ground.

He then happened to run into 4 people on their way out of a bar. He held them at gunpoint, tased one, pistol whipped another and stole their money and credit cards.

All this work would surely make a man hungry, so Todd carjacked a taxi at gunpoint and headed off to buy some food with his new plastic.

All filled up and ready to go again, Todd's next stop was a Walmart where he spent $199 of somebody else's money.

At 6 a.m., he made his way to the Hotel Indigo. While there, he decided to swerve off the simple robbery path and pay tribute to some of the stranger folks who have found their way onto these pages over the years. He broke into a law office, ransacked it, then took a dump on a desk and spread some of it on a few framed law degrees.

With that load off his mind, it was time to make some more money.

Todd knocked on several hotel room doors. He pretended to be a female member of the housekeeping staff to gain entry, but would then rob the occupants at gunpoint. During at least one of these heists, he is said to have cried the entire time.

Now when you've caused as much trouble as Todd had up to this point, it's logical to think that perhaps the cops are on your trail. So...time for a disguise. Shaving his head fit the bill, so that's what he did before heading out on another adventure in his stolen cab.

That adventure, it turns out, was crashing the vehicle into a parking garage.

Uh-oh, now how's he supposed to get around?

After an hour and a half of pondering this predicament, he decided to hail a new cab and head for Opryland. Once there, he held the driver at knifepoint because hey, why not?

And it's at this point that things came to an end.

Police finally caught up with Todd, who was hiding out on top of Opryland. But he wasn't just hanging out on the roof, o no. He had taken shelter in a water-cooling vat, submerged up to his nose.

He's been charged with 11 felonies, and that could just be the beginning of his trouble. According to police, he's also wanted by the State of Kentucky, but presumably not for anything this out there.

If there's ever been a case like this before, I don't think I've seen it. Talk about making the most out of your life of crime.

Goin' To The Chapel And We're...Gonna Pretend I'm Dying Of Acute Leukemia

The I'm going to fake having cancer in order to take advantage of humanity's kindness for personal gain train shows no signs of slowing down.

Meet 25-year-old Jessica Vega.

A couple of years ago, she was set to marry Michael O'Connell. But this was no ordinary wedding. It was special because Vega was tragically suffering from acute leukemia and really wanted to get the ceremony in before she died...or so she said. She ended up with thousands of dollars in generously donated money and services, and even took a honeymoon in Aruba.

A few months later however, the plan started to unravel.

Whether O'Connell just doesn't appreciate free wedding gifts, wanted to get even with Vega for something or simply decided to do the right thing is unclear, but 4 months later, he went to a local newspaper and accused her of faking the whole terminal illness deal.

Then it really gets fun.

After a divorce, he moved to Virginia, but the pair later reunited and now have a second child.

"She's a good mom, and that's all that counts at the end of the day," O'Connell tells the newspaper. "I want my kids to have their mother back."

He says Vega, who was arrested last week and pleaded not guilty, should repay donors and apologize, but that mental health treatment is a better option than jail.

Being a good mom is all that counts at the end of the day? I realize this guy just wants his family back, but let us please get serious here. Maybe she's a good mom, maybe she's not. If she needs mental health treatment and had no problem fleecing the townsfolk out of a fortune in cash and prizes I tend to have my doubts, but perhaps he would know better. And yeah, some therapy does sound like a good idea, but she's not the only one who needs it if this please don't send her to jail thing is being said with a straight face. What she needs is both. Whether they happen at the same time doesn't really matter. She's not insane, so she can serve a sentence and then get whatever help is required. What would be insane is not sending her to jail as you would anybody else. She did commit a crime, and at the end of the day, that also counts.