She Needs Some Kind Of Therapy, Just Not Chemotherapy

There isn't much to this story, but now that we have a tag, we might as well add Michelle Meller to the cancer faker pile. Same old thing, said she had cancer, didn't, took a whole heap of dough from a family.

I don't really know what else to say except I hope she never gets cancer for real. But I always say that at the end of these.

A Closed, And Empty, Case

Poor Juan Aguirre. He just can't get satisfied. I guess he really needed a porn fix, so broke into an adult video store and stole six DVD's...well, the cases for them, anyway. Seeing the cases on display, I guess he thought those videos would look like good choices. Too bad those were the cases there for display purposes only.

So, he broke into the store causing $500 in damage, but only stole maybe $30. Fail!

Not A Very Inspiring Self-Defence Lesson

Wow. In real life, someone brought a knife to a gunfight. Since it's up here, you know it didn't end well. I guess technically the gunfight hadn't started yet. Alvin Merriwell Lewis Jr. was talking about how he would defend himself with his pocketknife. Thomas Larry Bolds decided to put him to the test, and shot him 8 times. I guess he wanted to prove him wrong without any doubt?

The freaky part was this happened in this guy's house. So it wasn't like these two were strangers. That's one big prick of a...um...friend? Acquaintance? To shoot a guy 8 times. And now he's charged with murder. Hmmm. Didn't really win big there did he?

I Hope She Gets Chewed Up By The Legal System

When I read this story about a woman suing Stride Gum because some got stuck in her dentures and got her depressed, I was sure it was a joke. But it doesn't look that way.

Seriously. Elsie Pawlow says that a piece of Stride gum got stuck in her dentures and she had to pick it out, which made her depressed for about 10 minutes.

First of all, you can't get depressed for 10 minutes. Depression doesn't lift that quickly. Second, you're seriously going to waste legal fees on this?

I hope it's thrown out of court. And maybe they should set those Stride Gum goons from their commercials on her. The message should be "Stride Gum: Find something real to get depressed about, or we'll find you and give you something."

I Found The Mean Machines! And Many More Cool Things

Remember back when I casually mentioned looking for a play safe ad about being careful around "the mean machines" because "they can hurt you"? Well, I found it! And I also found the coolest channel ever. If you're looking for old station ID's, themesongs and commercials that ran in Ontario, check out the YouTube channel called Retrontario. They have some gems in there.

Show And Tell Indeed!

Here's a new one for ya. Do you remember being in kindergarten, and having Show and Tell? You brought in something from home, held it up to the class, and talked about what it was. Well, one kindergartener brought some things in for Show and Tell that were not your average items. They were a crack pipe and an ounce of meth. He never made it into the classroom with the drugs and pipe. The teacher got very curious about his items, and soon police were coming to take mommy dearest, AKA Michelle Marie Cheatham, off to have a little talk.

What I would love to know is what the kid would have said had he made it into the classroom with it. Did he know what the items were for? Or what interesting explanation would he have given? I mean, I'm glad things got yoinked before we reached that point, but it made me very curious.

Another bit of curious wording was this.

A family friend at Cheatham's home told KCTV5 that the boy is now being cared for by loved ones.

This implies that Cheatham was not a loved one...at least it does to me.

And why do we care what the police dog's name is? Really, how many times does that happen?

Hopefully the poor little guy wasn't too traumatized by the end result of his bringing in exhibits A and B. And hopefully there's still time to put things on the right path for him.

Overly Social Networking

Sorry it's been so quiet around here this week. I've been feeling mostly like garbage, and Carin's been busy with things much cooler than feeling like garbage.

I can tell I'm still not right. If I was, it would be a lot easier than it's proving to be for me to write about this idiot.

The story goes that 22-year-old Juan Gonzales Jr. broke into a home. He was discovered when one of the girls who lived in it awoke to find him standing over her bed at 3 in the morning. When she screamed, he ran for the hills...but not before grabbing her cellphone. Her roommate also reported a missing phone, laptop and some jewelry, so he managed a fine haul and a clean getaway.

Why then, you wonder, am I bothering to write about him if I'm feeling so awful. Shouldn't I be resting? Well...we're getting there.

An hour passes. A friend of victim number one starts getting some odd text messages from her. The police, doing what police do, set about trying to trace the stolen phone. As they locate it, they get another call. It's from victim number one. A man calling himself Duce Gonzalez has just sent her a Facebook friend request, and he sure looks a lot like the guy that was in her house.

And just in case there was any doubt about these two being the same person, when cops arrived to pick him up, Juan Duce was still wearing the same outfit he had on when the screaming girl got a look at him. What a helpful fellow.

He's in jail now, being held there on charges of second-degree burglary and felony theft. No word on whether or not he likes it.

Another Edition Of Web Comic Masterpiece Theatre!

Sean Yo saw another awesome comic from the Oatmeal, How A Web Design Goes Straight To Hell, and did it again in audio. Sean, we're gonna make ya famous! Here's the awesome audio.

I laughed so hard that Steve said "You must retweet this." I thought I'd do one better and blog it. Enjoy.

Point Click Boom

Amazingly, the stupidest thing I've read this week has nothing to do with idiot criminals. Well, unless you view insurance companies as criminals, which would certainly be a debatable point.

So remember a monthish ago when a tent collapsed at the music festival in Belgium? I'll give you a second to think about it since there was an unusually high number of those incidents this summer (Thanks, nature!).

Like any smart organization, the folks behind the festival were ensured out the ass, just in case. And since just in case became oh thank god, an adjuster was called in to investigate and assign blame to its rightful owner.

Here's where things get interesting, especially if you enjoy the sort of logic that strains the very definition of the word.

the giant tent fell down. People died. Who's fault would that be? The people who built it? The ones who set it up that day? the schlub from the Ohmygodthefuckingtentisgoingtofalldownrunforyourlives! department who was asleep at the switch? Those are fine guesses all, but they are not correct.

The problem, as it turns out, is all of you goddamned music pirates! Yes, you with the iPod, I'm looking in your direction. I see that look on your face, and it's the look of a murderer. A murderer that's rockin' out to some rad tunes, but still, a murderer.

You may ask yourself, how did we get here? Well, it goes a little something like this.

Illegal file-sharing has led to fewer CD sales.  Fewer CD sales have forced artists, managers and labels to emphasize the live music experience--including festivals, of course--to make up for the lost revenue.  Emphasizing live gigs attracts people.  And should a thunderstorm strike, those people risk being killed or injured.

Bottom line?  If people didn't trade music illegally online, then none of this would have happened.

Makes perfect sense, since anybody who knows anything about music is well aware that music festivals were invented in 1999 when this whole Napster thing looked like it might be starting to catch on. Before that time, nothing like this ever could have happened.

Help Save The St. Joseph's Health Centre Bus Stop

I meant to blog about this last week, but life kinda got me a bit distracted. I guess it's better late than never, and it's still not too late!

Guelph Transit is going through some changes, supposedly to make the service more efficient. But I honestly think they are forgetting some things along the way, namely that the bus isn't just for able-bodied people. In fact, the bus can mean the difference between independence and being housebound for some.

One new change, which has already taken effect, is they have stopped driving into the St. Joseph's Health Centre. They stop on an island, which is fun for someone getting off the bus in a wheelchair and coming down that big ol' ramp onto an island of limited space, and people must cross over to the centre at a point where there is no light or stop sign. Cars are not expecting to slow down for pedestrians, much less potentially slow-moving ones like the ones who would be visiting a physio and rehab facility.

To make things even more fun, if you have a visual impairment, it's scary as hell trying to cross there because you know there's nothing telling cars to stop. You know what I've said before about never j-walking. This is basically j-walking. Your only choices are to take life into your own hands there, or to walk waaay up to one of the lighted intersections at either end of Westmount and backtrack. This has the potential to be really dangerous in the winter.

When Guelph Transit was approached in this news article, they said they did this to cut 3-5 minutes off the route so people could make their transfers downtown, and offered two alternatives: one being the new community bus, and one being taking Mobility Bus.

There are several problems with this. For one, the community bus only runs during the day. There are evening programs that occur at the health centre. So, if you attend one of those, you're cut down to Mobility Bus, which the way I understand it, needs oodles of time to be booked, and if for whatever reason doesn't come, then you're kind of screwed. And I'm not speaking in what if's. It does happen.

But this isn't the only new change that scares me about these routes. The Guelph Transit growth strategy apparently recommended removing a bus stop outside a building full of senior citizens with disabilities. Thankfully, I think that one's been reinstated, but now I hear another building full of seniors has seen their bus stop yoinked. That one I don't know if it's true or not. These people are the ones who need easy access to bus stops. They need it in the summer just because some of them cannot walk far, and they especially need it in the winter when the snow conditions can be treacherous and snow removal becomes more and more iffy as you journey further from downtown. If they are forced to use Community Bus as their only option, if they're even on its route, their access to transit is reduced to one bus an hour instead of the one bus every 15-30 minutes that everyone else is getting. If they don't get that, they're reduced to scheduling their trips through Mobility every time they want to do anything. Somehow I don't think they would view this new strategy as providing them with more options, and that was what was promised. I attended a public meeting or two.

So, if this change in bus stop effects you, please please please speak up. They say they need feedback, let's give it to 'em. Email fred(dot)gerrior(at)guelph.ca and CC Leanne(dot)Warren(at)guelph.ca and let them know you're feelings. The symbols have been removed so these people won't be spammed, so put them back in when sending emails. Otherwise noone will get any feedback. Hell, if you think it would be effective, email whoever is on council who represents your ward. here's how to find your councilors. If it matters to you, please speak.

I May Have Assaulted Her, But I Did It In The Nicest Way I Could

I don't have a whole lot to say about the felony assault trial of Houston hand surgeon Michael Brown. I'm just hear to draw your attention to one rather amusing detail.

Prosecutors this morning said Brown, 54, threw two heavy vases and a humanitarian award at his wife in a the fight that ended with Brown being “taken down” by his body guard after twisting his wife’s arm behind her back, Houston Chronicle reporter Brian Rogers wrote.

Unrelated side note: That's one hell of a mangled sentence there, fellas. Did the basic structure editor go on vacation?

This Program Is Brought To You By The CRTC Putting An End To The Advertising Insanity

I've said my piece on this issue before, and today I'm happy to report that the CRTC has seen fit to do something about it.

the results of the review are in, and by next September, television broadcasters in Canada will have to ensure that shows and commercials are transmitted at the same volume, rather than the ads being what sounds like 2405 times louder.

The commission apparently got a lot of feedback when they put the issue out for public comment, which is fabulous news. They say the response was way above normal, and that the number of submissions received was 10 times higher than the total number of complaints that came in in the previous 3 years.

So I guess all that's left to do now is hope that things don't get watered down to useless when the regulations are finished, and figure out to whom I owe that beer I promised.

The Latest Buzz

I don't have a lot of words. Just eek! Oh, and maybe beeeeeeees!

Apparently there are some crazy aggressive bees in California and Arizona that no one would use in a bee beard. In California, they attacked a dude in a wheelchair and 3 guys trying to rescue him. Meanwhile, in Arizona, some more bees killed a thousand-pound hog to death. Yeah, they may be small, but when there's a lot of 'em...

Jeebers! And they say they were going to get DNA from these bees to see if they were africanized. Um, how the hell do you get DNA from an angry bee?

Shiver.

And They're Off!...To Jail...And The Hospital...

Just reading what went down in this story has me laughing, because a little movie has started to form in my head of how it might have happened. Come on, the imagination gets working any time a burglary involves a pregnant woman getting stuck in a ventilation system.

So let's set the scene. Two dudes, 1 19 years of age and the other 42, and this unidentified pregnant woman are driving along. La dee da dee dee...crunch! They hit a curb, and manage to hit it so hard that they totally ruin two of their tires! So, there they are, sitting on the side of the road, what to do, what to do. Then the idea, it occurs to them. "Let's break into that race track over there and get to the money room and steal some dough! Yeah!"

As for their idea of how to get in without alerting security, they decide to go through the ventilation shaft and then run run run to the money room!

Then they must have realized that neither of the big dudes would fit, or their friend who was five months pregnant offered to skitter through the shaft. "Yeah!"

So they pick her up and get her into the ventilation system through a crawl space in the ceiling...but the ceiling tiles aren't designed for supporting weight...and...they start to collapse around her in two places.

So much for sneakery. They make enough noise that security comes to see what's up and call police. The dudes get arrested immediately, but they have to work to talk her down, and then she said she might be going into labour, so they take her to the hospital.

What a trio of toolchests! And what does that say for the kid's future?

Recording? What Am I Recording? Well Shux!

This video of a cute couple inadvertently filming themselves while trying to figure out their new webcam killed me. My god. I think this is everybody's parents or grandparents. It kind of reminds me of what happened when we tried to get my great aunt a computer. Oh, it would open up the internet and email and all that stuff...but she got so mad at the mouse and the small movements required to make it work that she never used it. Oh, so sad...in the words of the guy in the little video, "I'm so sad! So sad!"

I guess their granddaughter put it up, and now everybody knows Bruce and Esther, and they're all embarrassed. Ah, nothing to be embarrassed about. Just wait until I'm old, and I'll do the same with whatever new thing is out there to try. Hell, given the right new thing, I'd probably do it now.

Hopefully There Will Be No Parental Encore For These People

If this little fellah grows up hating music, nobody should be surprised.

The parents earned notoriety in Germany last month when they drove more than 435 miles (700 kilometers) from the home in Neumunster, northern Germany, to the southern city of Stuttgart to attend a concert. They placed the baby boy in the trunk of the car, among discarded diapers, food and dirty laundry.

Passersby heard the sound of a baby screaming and alerted police. But when an announcer at the concert asked the parents to make themselves known, they did not respond. Police eventually smashed their way into the vehicle and saved the child, who was sweating badly and was hospitalized.

The 18-year-old mother says this shouldn't really be any sort of big deal, since she parked in the shade and left a window open. Oh, and she'd also like her kid returned from foster care, please.

Wait...a window? Unless the trunk is one of those deals where you can reach into it from the back seat, leaving the window down won't mean shit. The trunk is an entirely separate part of the car, and it's kind of, um, completely enclosed. And even if it is one of the more open ones, it's still not going to mean much.

And while we're here, who drives around with old food and diapers just hanging out in the back of their car?

Not only should their kid not be returned from foster care, but mom and dad could probably benefit from being placed in it, too.

Wood Was The Star Of The Show

Speaking of easy material, here's a PDF news release from the Guelph Police Service about an indecent exposure incident. Note the location.

That's right, Starwood drive. Title makes sense now, doesn't it?

I also like the reference to a wooded area. Sure was. Although considering the crime we're dealing with, doesn't anywhere this type of thing takes place automatically become a wooded area?

It Wasn't Hard Before, But Keeping Tabs On Him Will Be Even Easier Now

The world sure is serving me up some easy material today. I certainly am not about to complain.

Look what we have here. Yet another fool who figured out a little too late that the monitor part of the phrase court ordered ankle monitor means that the thing the nice officer put on your ankle actually, wait for it, monitors things. Things like where you've been. So it knows, for instance, that you and your buddy were almost certainly the ones who broke into that house, pointed a gun at the sleeping family inside and made off with a credit card and some other stuff.

Steven K. Tubbs, already on parole for attempted robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and terroristic threats, is now staring down two counts of robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and possession of a weapon by a prohibited person. He's being held on $500,000 bail.

The buddy, Andrew Mason, has been charged with 2 counts of robbery. His bail was set at $250,000.

If Drug Dealing School Exists, Maybe It's Time To Think About Adding A Text The Right Damn Person Class

There are a lot of things I don't understand. One of them is how criminals, drug dealing ones specifically, manage to text the authorities with sales offers on a semi-regular basis. Is it common to have cops in your contacts, or are that many people simply that unlucky?

Perhaps we should ask Amy R. Horman and Pandora L. Cowgur for their opinion, since an arrant text from Horman to an employee of the Perry County, Missouri Sheriff's Department made them the latest to be qualified to offer one up.

The police weren't interested in buying anything, but they were more than happy to search for it. That search netted them about 3 quarters of a pound of marijuana, rolling papers and packaging along with some scales. It netted Horman charges of felony distribution of a controlled substance and misdemeanor unlawful use of drug paraphernalia. Cowgur got felony possession of a controlled substance, misdemeanor possession of up to 35 grams of marijuana and misdemeanor unlawful use of drug paraphernalia. Sounds like everybody scored huge.

I have to ask. When these two get their one phone call, who's going to make sure the number is right?

If You Don't Stop Crying You're Going To Drown In Your Tears...And Possibly The Harbour

You expect to see a lot of things on a sightseeing tour boat. But I'd wager that one sight you wouldn't expect to see is some jackass throwing his 7-year-old son over the side of one. Or at least I would have wagered that until Sloane Briles came along.

Jim Amormino, a spokesman for the Orange County Sheriff's Office, told the Los Angeles Times Briles apparently had been drinking when he got into an argument with his girlfriend while on a Sunday harbor cruise with more than 80 other passengers.

Authorities said their argument was witnessed by his two sons from a previous marriage, the 7-year-old and a 6-year-old.

Witnesses said the older boy, visibly upset, was walking behind his father when Briles allegedly struck him several times, then picked him up and threw him overboard. Briles then jumped over the side himself.

The boy was fished out by a passing boater.

When sheriff's deputies arrived, Briles was combative and resisted arrest, Amormino said.

It's worth noting that more than one version of the story says that Briles only jumped in after the kid once he was already being saved by other people. Thanks, dad.

Briles was taken into custody on suspicion of child endangerment and for resisting arrest. He was later released after posting bond. The kids, meanwhile, were returned to their mother.

This would normally be where the story ends, but not today.

When Sloane Briles was interviewed by KTLA on Tuesday, he noted that he was “not trying to kill [his son].” Instead, he insists that they “were playing in the shallows.”

In addition, he claimed that he and his son discussed together prior to the boat tour that they would jump overboard.

A fine story I suppose, other than the small problem of all the witnesses and his helpful girlfriend who's story is the same, but different.

His girlfriend, Jennifer Burrelli, defended his actions in an interview with the
New York Daily News, denying that she and her boyfriend had an argument and said that her boyfriend and his son were only “roughhousing” and that he made a “stupid” judgment to throw him overboard, which is a different story than what Briles is now claiming.

“His sons are his whole life,” she said. “He would never ever do anything to hurt them on purpose. He knows now it could have gone badly. He doesn’t even care about the arrest or his own name. He knows it was stupid.”

That last sentence could likely represent the only bit of absolute truth we should be expecting from this pair.

Rest On Porch

Short and sweet here.

Monique Exum is the most gigantic goddamned idiot I've come across in quite some time.

When she returned home to find that her 73-year-old roommate Johnny Davis had woken up dead in their apartment, she understandably freaked out just a tad. Who wouldn't, right? But freaking out or not, what happened next defies...just about everything.

Monique Exum, 36, packed roomie Johnny Davis, 73, up after finding him dead in their Fish Ave. apartment May 31, prosecutors said. She insists she only removed the body to avoid trouble.

"My friend told me if someone dies in your apartment you go to jail, so I got really afraid,' she told cops. "I didn't know what to do."

So she wheeled the suitcase down three flights of stairs to the porch of an abandoned house at 1309 Needham Ave. in Williamsbridge, prosecutors said. She wrote "rest in peace" on a strip of cardboard and left it atop the luggage.

And there Davis' corpse sat for three months - until a neighbor on Sunday called cops to report a suspicious package. Investigators found his badly decomposed body inside and tracked down Exum.

Naturally, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. Of course she doesn't. That would require thinking, and we can see from this example how much of that she does.

So far she's been charged with improper body removal and is being held on $500 bond.

The police investigation continues.

Talk About A Hot Beef Injection

This story is weird on so many levels.

According to the story, Janet Hardt had a weird obsession. She liked injecting things into her face. It didn't seem that she was doing it to improve her looks, as her face was kinda disfigured from the scarring caused by the repeated infections that resulted. She just liked shooting her face full of...stuff.

Today, it was hot beef fat. Whaaat? Why? And today would be the last time she would do this. But oddly enough, if I'm reading the story right, it wasn't the hot beef fat injections that killed her. What got her was peritonitis. I guess it goes to show you never know what's going to get ya.

And this story demonstrates that I've been doing this blog thing too long. A spokeswoman by the name of Rachael Jones was mentioned. My immediate response was "Rachael Jones? Is that the Islam is the light mom?" No, wrong spelling of Rachel. But I actually thought of that other lady instead of just reading the story on its own.

It's Time To Get To Work! Not So Fast, Tarvin. You're Getting To Jail

I'm not sure what to tell you all here, so I'll stick to telling you what I hope Vincent Michael Tarvin would tell you if he were to look back on the events of September 6th in a clearer state of mind than he was likely in at the time.

As stupid as it is to be out walking around with a vial of cocaine, that's nothing compared to traipsing you and your vial into an apparently random call centre, dropping your pants, whipping out the old dingaling and telling everyone that it's time to "get to work." All that gets you is booked into jail for indecent exposure, drug possession and a drug paraphernalia violation.

for reasons unknown, Tarvin almost got away with some of it. Of the 12 people in the office he invaded, only one wanted to press charges. Others are reported to have feared some kind of retaliation if they did. Guy must have one hell of a penis.

I Wonder What His New Facebook Profile Name Choice Will Be

Hey there Jesse Hippolite. If you want to pull off a series of robberies, it's probably not a good idea to change your name on Facebook to Willie Sutton Jr. If police think it *might* be you they're looking for, they know it is now.

What Is And Is Not Ironic...And Now I Want A Chimichanga

I saw this comic about what is and is not irony on Twitter. Well, I should say I saw a link to it, because it was a great big ol' image. But because I'm persistent *coughcough* annoying *coughcough*, the guy who sent it out actually read it into an audio file! Isn't that awesome beyond awesome? He even did it at his desk, so that's why he's speaking in that low mumble. Sean Yo, you rock. You just do!

I figured I'd mention it here since it references Alanis's song that is full of things that are decidedly not ironic, and we've talked about that before.

And because Sean is extra cool, he also linked to this comedy bit making fun of Alanis's song.

So enjoy the comic, in whichever way works for you. And if you happen to meet Sean Yo, you've met a guy that rocks.

That's One Salty Dog

I'm not going to talk a whole heap about 9/11. It happened, it was a huge tragedy, a lot of people lost their lives. I don't really have any words. Who does?

But I thought I would post this video. We have heard tons about Michael Hingson and Roselle. But they weren't the only guide dog team in the building. Salty, from Guiding Eyes, was there too.

I'm glad they, too, made it out.

A Double Dose Of Dumb: Running On Fumes And Yabba Dabba Dumbass

Here are a couple of poor car decisions. On their own, I wouldn't have posted them...but together? I think they deserve a spot up here.

Ok, you're driving along the road. Vroomba vroomba vroom vroom. Hey! What's that coming out of your hood? Wow! Smoke! And a lot of it! Hmmm! You should do something!

...

But that something is not pull into a gas station. In case you forgot, the engine within your car uses combustion to get the energy it needs from the gas. So, gas is pretty ready and willing to burst into flames. So, you open your hood to have a look see at what be flamin' in your engine, and...well...your whole car is on fire, and you'd better get your five kidlets outa there.

Moving right along, kinda similar to this next vehicle, we have this unnamed roofer from Michigan, whose brakes failed on his truck. But instead of pulling over and getting some help, or driving very slowly down quiet roads, he decided to follow Fred Flinstone's example, and stick his foot out the door to use as a brake. It didn't work at all, and he hit several cars before coming to a stop. Amazingly, he decided to do this while stone sober.

Um, people? Perhaps more people need to take some physics and chemistry courses before being allowed to drive.

Use A Safety Buoy, Your Boys Will Thank You!

Here's a message to all scuba divers. Use a safety buoy, or else a fisherman might get ya by the short and curlies. That's what happened to one poor sucker in England. John Goldfinch was happily fishing away, hoping for some mackerel. But what he got was a scuba diver. And where did he get him? Right between the legs!

I can't even imagine the pain that guy must have been in. There he is, way down in the depths, when something catches him between the legs and starts reeling him in! I love the wording here. "The funniest thing was that his girlfriend then surfaced, helped him remove my tackle from his tackle and nonchalantly handed the hook back to me and apologised."

That's a way to put it.

At any rate, I'm sure that guy will learn to love the safety buoy.

Cow Fight!

I'm sure today's news is full of lots of things to make you sad, horrified, and all other stuff. Just to break the mood, here's something to make you go blarf.

Steve saw this a few days ago, and retweeted it, and still I missed it. Wow. I suck. Apparently our great big buddy ol' pal Donna Simpson is very upset because someone is after her world record, and all the accompanying "prestige". Oh my my. I don't think I've heard an exchange that could simultaneously turn my stomach and fill my heart with disgust for both women. What a catty pair, neither of whom seem to have much of a life. But somehow, Donna Simpson seems worse. But maybe she's extra pathetic because she just got, er, dumped by her long-time lover. Maybe he took the advice I gave him in the first story and ran away to save his own life.

Just, yuck.

Remembering WCW...In A Way It Probably Wouldn't Want To Be Remembered

Modern wrestling can be pretty damn bad, especially if you're like me and put yourself through TNA on a weekly basis. This often results in people, myself included, talking about how much better things were back in the day. And while that's largely true, I'm here today to tell you that this isn't always so. And when it isn't, boy isn't it.

To prove my point, I give you this huge collection of quotes pulled from various editions of the Wrestling Observer. All of these come from the period between 1998 and 2001 when WCW was doing its best to flush itself completely down the shitter. We all know how that turned out, and after looking at all this and remembering those times, my only question is how did it take so long?

There are so many here that I haven't finished reading them all yet. They're spread out over a few different posts, so just look for everything written by a person named Baby Hewey. There are seriously almost 500 of these things, so you might want to do it in shifts. I'm getting close to the 400 mark and it's been both hilarious and depressing.

Here are just a few examples.

Quote #36

"The big finish was totally screwed up. The idea was that Jarrett and Page were to climb the scaffolding. Arquette would climb the scaffolding, hit Jarrett with the guitar, who would take the bump through the gimmicked part of the stage that they would fall through. When leaving the ring, by accident, Asya stepped on the set and fell through, so everyone could see that it was gimmicked. Arquette than ran out and apparently wasn't given directions as to what to avoid, and fell into the gimmicked part of the stage. So Jarrett and Page improvised up there with Page deciding to save the show and take the bump into what was already evident as the gimmicked hole in the stage. No idea at press time how this will be edited" - The Wrestling Observer Newsletter: May 08, 2000.

Quote #275

"The only report we had from Erie is that WCW forgot to get plane tickets for the Mexican wrestlers" - The Wrestling Observer Newsletter: October 05, 1998

Quote #337

"Jericho was supposed to wrestle Wrath, but he got lost and locked out of the building. Two major problems. Someone forgot to lock the door so when Jericho tried to open it, it actually opened and he had to close it fast and pound on it again. When Wrath got there and chased Jericho, the camera stayed on for too long and you could actually see Wrath not only catch Jericho, but run right by him and pass him without touching him" - The Wrestling Observer Newsletter: September 21, 1998

Have fun.

A Few Quick Jokes For Your Friday Afternoon

It's been a little while, so here are a few random jokes that have been tossed my way recently. Sorry for the smaller batch. I haven't been the best about saving the good ones these days. As usual, some are stupid, some you'll laugh at, some might just get you a little upset. I'll leave it to you to decide which are which.

*Q: What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?
A: Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

*Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: His wife died.

*I was talking to my friend earlier when suddenly I wondered, who names their kid Earlier?

*Q: What did Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both had a 10-year-old crack addiction.

*Some priests told the children that it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible, according to Mathew 10, Luke 8 and John 12.

*Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love & get married.  The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

*I watched a film with a twist at the end last night. It completely ruined the projector.

*I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

*A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"

"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"

"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."

"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said. "You guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."

"Wait," he interrupts in a very indignant tone. "CHICKENS?!"

Long Time, No Trix Talk!

Ya know, you all need to convince Carin that I need to talk more. She doesn't let me talk nearly enough. I mean seriously, I only spoke for part of a post when this place won an award, and I'm sure I'm the reason we won the award anyway. What else could it be? I'm just so cute.

This has been a kind of weird year for me. It all started back when I stopped wanting to play tug. I used to love tug. Give me a toy that I can grab an end of and I'll go at it. Tugga tugga rar rar snort snort tugga tugga shakeshake tugga tugga roar! So, much, fun! But once I was playing tug and something didn't feel write to me, so I said yeep! Carin stopped, and ever since, it just hasn't been the same for me.

Then I wasn't the happiest going up and down those weird stairs at that big house that used to have the cat. Come on, you can see right through to the back, and if you're not careful, you can slide right on through them. But I got over that. But Carin was still worried about the whole no tug thing. So eventually she took me to the vet.

They had a good look at me, even put me on this thing that could take pictures of my insides. But they told Carin they couldn't find anything. But they must have told her some weird stuff, because for a little while there, she gave me these yucky pills. Then she wouldn't take me out with her to go anywhere except to pee, and even then, I had to wear a special collar. I could have told her that whatever made me yeep was gone, but she wouldn't have listened. Plus she'd do other weird things like more obedience sessions and playing weird games of find the fat man and taking me to see the huppy and family without a leash at all. Hmm. No leash? Really?

Then I started to think maybe she didn't like walking with me anymore. Maybe she liked that white stick thing, like the fat man uses. Was that it? I wasn't going to work anymore? I tried to ask the fat man, but of course he doesn't speak dog. He'd just tell me that she would be back. Every time she came back, I would sniff her. I was mad. I could tell she had been to places we used to go. To the drug store. In that nice lady's car that always drives us to that City Hall place. To that other place where she meets up with that other guy with the white stick. Just what was this? I wasn't sad anymore, I was mad! How dare she cheat me out of seeing all the people and places I love?

Then one day, as if nothing was wrong, she put my gear back on and we headed out. But she insisted on making me heel while she used the stick thing. Just what was this?

The first place we went was to the vet. The vet? That's my first trip out? You are mean, Carin, really you are. But the vet must have said happy things, because after we left there, she let me work normally! They must have talked some sense into her, telling her it wasn't right to take me away from all the people and things I love so much.

After that, I thought I'd be extra good. I would do everything I was taught, to the letter. I would show her that working with me was good. Really, I would show her how her white stick thing doesn't know how to avoid the ice. It doesn't know how to use the path. See all the things that thing can't do that I can? See? See? Well I guess it worked, because she hasn't left me at home ever since.

But after all that bad stuff happened, something reeeeally goood came out of it. I met my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I have a doggy friend, and she's perfect!

Don't get me wrong, I've had a few dog friends over the years. There's Rosamae, and Luther, although I've not seen Luther in a long while, and Lars, who I only saw once, but thought he was pretty hot. But this dog, Ruby, tops 'em all! For one thing, I get to see her all the time. Sometimes we've even gone over to her house so we can play! And Ruby never jumps on me and goes up and down, up and down. She just licks my face and talks to me. She chases me around the room, and squeaks her squeaky toy at me. I love her so much that if we see each other and we don't get to walk at least a bit together, I pitch a fit. Roooooo-beeeeee! Rooooo-beeeee! Come back here Roooo-beeeee! And she does the same. Ruby, just where have you been all my life? Don't ever go. You hear that, Roooo-beeee?

And because of Ruby and Ruby's person, I met a new vet! And I like everything about this place. The other vet, well, I liked the people, but if I could avoid going in there, I would. I would pretend I didn't know where the door was, and Carin would get mad. But if we don't go into this place, I get really upset. You don't take me close to this place and not go in. That's just not cool, and I'll make my thoughts known. The people at this place are really nice to me. One of them even gives me snuggles and belly scratches if the other one is looking at me! Hey, I'm always up for a snuggle and a belly scratch. And a treat. And a snuggle and a belly scratch. Another belly scratch? Yeah. And they look at me right in front of Carin. They don't take me away to some other place. That makes me feel soooo much better.

Hmmm what else is new? Oh yeah. The huppy's gotten so much bigger, and he finally walks. He started walking a bit after the last time Carin let me talk to you guys. Now he walks so much that we don't always bring the huppy car. And he can go faaaast! And he can talk. He can say my name, and Carin's name, but for a while, it sounded really weird. But he says it like Carin now. Can you believe he's had another one of those parties to mark another 7 doggy years? I sure can't.

But he likes to try and pull my tail and smack me. I think he's trying to go pat pat pat like Carin does, but it's more like slap slap slap. Carin and the huppy's mom are trying to teach him to be nice to me, but he's sneaky. Carin, you promised me you'd protect me. You'd better get at it. I don't say anything, but pulling on my tail is just no good. You usually catch him, but that huppy is sneaky and fast!

Usually Carin knows what I'm trying to say to her. I come over to her and bonk bonk her on the arm with my nose? It means follow me, I have something to show you. Probably the door because I have to pee. I jump around at food o'clock and food o'clock? It means feed me. I start running back and forth when things go boom outside? It means I don't like this at all, fix it. But the other day, she totally didn't get it!

It wasn't quite bedtime pee o'clock. I came over to her. I had to tell her. There was a bad storm coming. I licked her. I licked her ear. I bumped her with my nose.

"Do you have to pee?" she said.

No! No no no! You're not listening! I jumped! I snorted! I licked frantically.

"Oh! You must really have to pee," she said.

No no no! She still doesn't get it! She put the harness on. Hmmm. Maybe we're going to warn the huppy's family. Maybe? We get in the elevator. We get out. Oh no, we're going to go out. Out in this! I started to walk slowly. Now she was confused. Well, what took her so long? But she kept going outside. As soon as we got out there, I heard a great big boom! One of those booms in the sky that sometimes happens after a flash! That was what I was trying to tell her. I didn't have to pee at all! I wanted to tell her about the boom!

So what did I do wrong? I mean, when she asked if I had to pee, I was trying to tell her no with my jumping and snorting. Hmmm. I do jump around when I do have to pee. Hmmm. I guess she didn't know the difference between a yes jump and a no jump. I guess she needs more training in dog speak.

So we took a big walk down to that place where she says sometimes Christmas presents get picked up. We got a little box. But what was in that box? A present for me! Ooo!

I loooove this little present. It's fuzzy. It's squeaky. It's easy to push around. It makes me go grrr at it. But it confuses me. I should be able to rippa rippa rip in there and get the squeaker out. But it won't let me in! Come on, you look so, so, so easy to break! But you won't break! Oh well, one day, I will win. Just give me time.

Hmmm I think that's about it. You'd think I'd have more to say since it's been so long. But I think that's all the big news. Hopefully talk to you sooner than later!

To Him, It Was An Inflatable Pleasure Craft

Remember Edwin Charles Tobergta? Remember him now? Well, he's up to his old, er, tricks, or something, again, only this time, it was with a loverly pink inflatable swimming pool raft.

And I guess he's been having problems like this for a long time, even his grandma talks about it, sorta.

Poor Edwin, will always be known as the inflatable plastic thing-humper.

More Elections Ontario Accessibility Scoop

Alrighty, here's the updated updated Elections Ontario accessibility scoop. Isn't this so much fun?

I have found our returning office, and it's in a pretty sweet location all things considered. The address is 292 Speedvale Avenue West, and it's in Unit 1 in that plaza at the very least. I have heard reports that they have units 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9, and we saw signs on at least 3 doors saying Elections Ontario, but the woman who answered the phone there said that they at least had Unit 1. If you're still looking at me with confused eyes, have some more info. It's in a little plaza with Ample Annie's roadhouse near the intersection of Speedvale Avenue West and Silvercreek Parkway North. It is also on the 22 Conestoga bus route. Still confused? Give them a call at 1-866-271-6877 and ask 'em more questions. Note: that number is only for the Guelph office.

It'll be a little bit of a jaunt for me, but I don't care. I'm going there to vote because I will be able to vote independently. Plus I want to at least know that the machine got used once.

And big props to the lady at the returning office. When I called her and asked what the starting date was for the assistive tech being available, she didn't know what I meant and said they hadn't received such tech. But she went and looked it up and confirmed that yes, it would be available after September 21.

Now, I'm going to do a little test before I write this next part.

Great Caesar's Ghost! It works! I guess I don't have to talk about that whole info being in an image thing. It's so not in an image anymore. But I do have to chuckle that they didn't mention anything about returning offices or officers until the writ was dropped...even though the returning offices had phone numbers, locations and signs. I guess you have to be uber technical about things. And even if that's the case, why not put a message up saying that specific info would not be available until after September 7. Don't keep me guessing! But the info is up now, so that's all that matters.

I'm sure the elections folk thought I was a little too much of a keener, calling yesterday looking for info, but I have to plan for stuff. If the office is difficult to get to, I have to learn how to get there. I'm determined to use that machine goddamn it and I want to make sure all the ducks are in a row to use it.

And one more thing. If you want to use the machine, I have heard mixed things about whether or not an appointment is necessary. So, find out where your returning office and/or satelite returning office is and find out whether you need to book an appointment. Mine said don't worry about it.

The machines will be available starting September 21 until October 5. For anyone who might benefit from them, pleeease use them! I probably seem overly dramatic about this, but if we don't use them, they won't think the demand is there. And please spread the word to others who might also benefit from them.

So that's the latest and greatest of what I know. Probably the next thing I write on this topic will be all about using the machine and how it goes. Happy voting when the time comes.

Rogers: Canada's Most Reliable Customer Ridicule Target

The news that Rogers is looking to start its own bank has gotten the world talking. Ok, so people aren't so much talking as they are not knowing about it, ignoring it entirely or pointing and laughing, but bringing that up would kind of ruin my bit, so for our purposes the world is a buzz.

Word is that the new financial institution would be called Rogers Bank (How many millions worth of customer money went to the consultants who thought that one up?), and would mainly focus on credit cards and cellphone payment schemes rather than being a traditional bank. Not a traditional bank? Speaking of things that would ruin my bit...geesh, cut a hack writer a break, would ya?

but hey, let's not let the facts get in the way of a good story. If Rogers says it's a bank now, then goddammit it's a bank now. And if rogers is a bank now, what would it be like? I was thinking about this and dumping what I came up with on Twitter, but decided to share with the rest of you because I was having so much fun. And hey, maybe somebody's got some ideas I didn't think of.

I started out with the obvious.

So I hear Rogers is thinking about starting its own bank. Makes sense since the sonsofbitches already have most of our money.

Which was followed by the almost as obvious.

And for Rogers, the hard part of starting a bank is done. They already have fees and contracts nobody can fucking explain down to an art.

Which then caused our good pal James to join in the fun.

Yeah. You can only deposit $100/month on their lowest plan. They charge $10 for every dollar over.

Well done.

Those wise words got me pondering the customer experience, and the real fun was well underway.

If you call Rogers Bank because your ATM isn't working, they'll tell you to go to an ATM for more information about the outage.

Rogers Bank hit a wrong button and screwed up my account. I called and they told me it wasn't an issue on their end and to fix it myself.

By default, Rogers Bank will only let you see your basic money. If you want to buy anything, you have to sign up for banking on demand.

And then James chimed in again.

But you can only call Rogers Bank by dialing 611 on your Rogers cell phone. If you don't have a Rogers cell phone, you'll be provided with instructions on where to go and how to get one.

Given the whole smartphone payment idea, man's probably right.

And so far anyway, this is the last one I could come up with.

Rogers bank will consist of regional Banknet branches. There'll be a national one called Banknet 1, but almost nobody will have access to it.

All this dumping on Rogers almost makes me feel better about paying the next bill. Who am I kidding, no it doesn't. But for now, it's the best I've got. If it's the best you've got too and you think I've missed something, let me know.

Oh wait, I thought of one more.

Rogers Bank is open every morning at 8, but no employees show up until at least 11:30.

This Laptop Is Great! The Monitor Is Just Like Reading From A Book!

While no one was looking, somebody must have slipped instant idiot crystals into Spartanburg, South Carolina's water supply.

In the same week as Ashley McDowell scored herself that sweet wooden iPad comes word that a couple of women made out even better. $250 for a laptop? Good deal...aside from the part where you discover it's made out of paper.

Police said two women were approached by a man Wednesday night at a Spinx gas station who said he had laptop computers, iPads and iPods in FedEx boxes. He claimed he had gotten them at a discounted price.

According to investigators, the man offered to sell the women a laptop. They said after getting cash from an ATM, the women left with what they thought was a laptop but later discovered the box contained a white power cord and a stack of paper wrapped in black duct tape.

Investigators said the man who sold it is described as having gold teeth and was with another man in a white four-door car.

If you recall, one of the men in the iPad case was also said to have a gold tooth. This, unsurprisingly, is leading local police to speculate that the two incidents might just be related, though they can't say for sure. It'd be one hell of a coincidence if they somehow weren't, no?

We'll be sure to update you all when an arrest is made, or more likely when another of Spartanburg's best and brightest buys a surround sound system made out of bricks.

Pre-Election Antics Deja Vu

Honestly, are the Ontario liberals trying to emulate the behaviour of the federal Conservatives? I know they won, but still...

Last week, an announcement went out saying that Anybody from the Conservative or NDP parties were banned from attending campaigning events by the Liberals. Um, what? Apparently this has not happened in years, and relations between the parties have been quite civil. I know the Liberals are scared, and frankly so am I, but I think this does more to work against them than for them.

I'm not looking forward to the end of October 6, that's for sure.

I Tought I Taw A Gun Battle. I Didn't, I Didn't Taw A Gun Battle!

I saw this two days ago, but because I am either made of suck and fail, or I've been too busy, it goes up today.

A couple of Mexican folks could go to jail over a couple of tweets. But these weren't your ordinary tweets. Gilberto Martinez tweeted that kids were getting kidnapped and shot at schools, but no such kidnappings and shootings were going on. Because the news media hasn't been the most reliable in Mexico when it comes to drug-related and other gun violence, people have come to rely on eye witness accounts which come from Twitter a lot. So, people took his words to be the honest truth, and chaos ensued. People abandoned their cars in the middle of roads so they could run to the schools. There were 26 car accidents. Emergency numbers could not handle the influx of calls.

What I don't get is why Maria de Jesus Bravo Pagola was also charged. All she did was retweet it, thinking she was passing on legit information. If she retweeted it knowing it was false, that would be a different thing. Part of me is conflicted because I hate it when people blindly forward stuff without checking it out, but in a place where news can't be used to confirm reports, it gets a little hard to lay blame for a retweet.

I wonder what the end result will be.

Ribfest: The Next Victim Of The World No Fun Brigade?

I wasn't sure this needed a post, but since new Firefox sucks and the Guelph Mercury website insists on CAPTCHAs upon CAPTCHAs to accomplish anything, here goes.

Dear Rob O’Flanagan:

I don't know you, but you seem like an interesting guy. From what I can tell you're a good reporter, and I've enjoyed reading many of your opinion pieces since you've been writing for the Mercury.

But Rob...this Ribfest thing you wrote,...I'm having trouble finding a respectful way to write piss the hell off.

Is eating ribs and drinking beer the healthiest thing in the world? No, probably not. But you have a choice not to do it, much like you state that everyone who wants to can. Why can't that be good enough for you? Why can't we leave well enough alone? Not everything has to be some kind of societal problem in need of a fix. If you try hard enough, you can make anything unhealthy and dangerous. Like those buses that are supposed to be so good for the environment? Yeah, those. I think we need to ban them. It's really hard on my stress level knowing that a 7 minute car trip just took me half a friggin hour. And have you ever gotten hit by one of those things? Not a healthy option, I imagine.

And the smoking argument...I really tried. Honest I did. I want to see where you're coming from, but I just can't do it. We can talk again when somebody gets cancer and dies from second hand barbecue sauce, but until then the 2 have nothing to do with each other.

By the way Rob, when I go to Ribfest, I walk there. I walk to the park, I walk around the park, I walk home from the park. What could be healthier than walking? Well, unless you trip and fall like I do sometimes because I've got a buggered ankle. Hmmm...buggered ankle...tripping and falling...not healthy. Think we can add another activity to the ban list.

My point here, disjointed due to sleepiness as it may be coming off, is that not everything has to be good for you. what you want out of life doesn't have to be what I want. My brand of fun and relaxation may not be for you. I have no problem with that. I can respect that. But ideas like this are exactly what the world doesn't need. We're adults, we can make our own choices. The last thing anybody should want to see is something fun and not all that dangerous for anybody who's not a complete moron taken away from us. I don't care about eating and drinking trends. Why should what other fools do be allowed to ruin things for the rest of us?

It goes well beyond Ribfest, Rob. The world is getting way too regulated. We have or are on the way to having a rule/regulation/law/bylaw/ordinance for everything. What ever happened to a person being able to make a decision for himself? If this trend keeps up, it's only going to get worse. Eventually nobody will be able to decide a goddamn thing, and then where will we be? We'll be in a world that sucks, that's where. And we won't even be able to drink a damn beer.

An Out Of Sight Night

Anton, yes, that one for those who remember his little misadventure with the Shoe Thief, is part of more theatre productions. Here's the info if you're interested.

Out of Sight Productions

An Inclusive Theatre Company

Phone: 519-675-0379

Email: info@oosproductions.com

Web: www.oosproductions.com  

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

Join Out of Sight Productions in September at The Arts Project for "Three Plays - An Out of Sight Night" 

London, Ontario, July 28, 2011 - Out of Sight Productions is excited to announce the upcoming production of three original one-act plays, to be performed at The Arts Project, 203 Dundas Street, London.  

This locally written and produced trilogy will present a compelling, candid and humorous glimpse inside the lives of three very different families facing unique yet surprisingly similar challenges. In Kelly MacDonald's "The Final Road Trip" we witness a couple attempting to accept the coming of age of their daughters and the resultant blossoming of a new mutual relationship. Paul Kinsella's "Now See Hear" exposes the beauty in understanding and acceptance of personal differences. The third play, "Heroery" by Steve Stockwell, set in days of yore, depicts a version of life in an imaginary kingdom that is facing unimaginable adversity. 

Out of Sight Productions will be performing "Three Plays - An Out of Sight Night" at The Arts Project on:

Wednesday, September 28 to Saturday, October 1 at 7:30 pm

with a Matinee Performance on October 1 at 3:00 pm 

Tickets: $15   (2 for the price of 1 on Friday September 30)

For advance ticket sales, please call The Arts Project at: 519-642-2767 

For further information, please contact Kelly MacDonald, Company Director, Out of Sight Productions:

Phone: 519-675-0379

Email: info@oosproductions.com

Long Weekend Audio: Making Laytons

We said we weren't done with audio. Here comes some more.

A little while ago, I mentioned that Jack Layton had died. So, later, I learned that someone had created a drink in his honour. So, Steve made one of these, and we talked about it. Believe it or not we talked about it for 27 minutes. It, and other stuff, but hey, that comes with the territory, doesn't it? Hope you enjoy. It looks like Steve's diggin' the Layton.

Take Care, Not Car! Children On Board

We interrupt the audio to make fun of somebody. Believe me, there will be more audio. We're not even half done our ideas.

This started off as a regular carjacking. Somebody left their car running, somebody saw opportunity and jumped in. Except...the car was full of vocal passengers.

The unnamed carjacker jumped in the driver's seat, and immediately found a yappy poodle on the front seat beside him. Not only that, but there were two small, and very honest, little boys in the back. First they asked him if he knew he was in the wrong car, then when he reached for their change, pleaded with him not to take their money. The flustered thief just drove the car home to its rightful address, bringing relief to the Russo family when their kids and dog came home unharmed.

Ha ha ha, not every idling vehicle is an easy opportunity, now is it?

Long Weekend Audio: Hardcore Cornography!

Well, the avalanch just keeps on a rollin'.

We decided to have some corn on the cob for dinner. So while we were husking, we started talking. We apologize, this one got a little heavy there. We intended to just talk about the weird way people in Guelph pronounce the word "food," and talk a bit about how hard it would be to husk corn when you only have the use of one hand, as Steve's dad does. But well, things went down in a slightly unpredictable fashion. Sorry for the partial downer.

This one's about 23 minutes in length. Here it is, for what it's worth.

Long Weekend Audio: It's Nowhere Near Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Happy Saturday!

Here's your first audio of the day. If you listen to these things mainly for Carin, you may hate this one. I'm all by myself this time. Don't worry, I only talk for about 8 minutes, so you won't have to put up with me long.

What we have here is just me killing a few minutes waiting for the Jays to start. I'm sitting outside drinking a beer and talking to you. We're talking about people wishing summer to an end, how Christmas is getting out of hand and another tword. There's also a word or 2 about Carin being kind of silly and dangerous. Enjoy.

If anybody needs me, I'll be outside with the game and my beer. I'll have Twitter with me out there, so feel free to say hi.

Long Weekend Audio: She Likes It!

A while back, I bid on an item In an auction L_Squared was running to try and raise money to sponsor a puppy. After looking through the cool items, I settled on something called a "Snuggle Juggle" toy by Nylabone. It was a stuffed toy with a squeaker designed to be durable! Aa, this I gotta see!

Well, it arrived in the mail, and I went to get it yesterday. Today, we opened the box and introduced Trixie to the toy. Judging from the resulting audio, Trixie was very impressed with my choice.

And even after she put it through that, all it is is a little slimy! Cool!

I think this toy will be appreciated for a while.

Long Weekend Audio: First Beer Of The Weekend And Some Random Love And Hate

After a false start this morning thanks to a lovely piece of technology that decided not to work for no good reason, we can now let the audio begin!

Since the original kick off was not to be, I decided that there would be no better kick off substitute than documenting the weekend's first beer. So along with an appearance from Carin, that's exactly what I did.

Along with beer, we also cursed out her evil Stream and a local judge. There were a few other things in there too, but hell if I'm writing them all down. You're going to listen to it, you'll find them.

We only yammer for about 8 and a half minutes, which is probably some kind of record. I imagine as the drinking picks up that record is less and less likely to be broken, so enjoy the short one. You can download it here.

Talk to you all again soon.

Wood You Like To Buy An iPad?

Another day, another utter, utter fool.

According to a Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office report, Ashley McDowell, 22, told deputies that she was approached by two black males who claimed to have purchased iPads in bulk and were selling them for $300 apiece. After McDowell explained that she only had $180, the duo agreed to sell her the device at a cut rate.

But when McDowell drove home and opened the FedEx box containing the iPad, she instead discovered the wood with the Apple logo. The “screen”--which was framed with black tape--included replicas of iPad icons for Safari, mail, photos, and an iPod. It also had what cops described as a “Best Buy sales ticket.”

Maybe I'm the only one, but if I'm in a parking lot buying iPads out of somebody's trunk at a cut rate price and that somebody seems awfully desperate to get rid of the things, first of all I'm wondering where my good sense went, but I'm also asking questions and getting the salesman to open the box and let me look at my new toy. You know, in case it's made of fucking wood and covered in stickers and tape.

and even if it did turn out to be real, odds are it's not legitimate anyway. Before too long, the police are going to be sniffing around your neighbourhood asking questions about all the stolen computers.

I'd like to propose a new rule. Unless you're elderly or mentally impaired beyond inherriting stupidity via genetics, you're not allowed to call for help if something like this happens to you. The hard lesson might do you some good, plus it would avoid wasting police resources when there are people who actually need them.

Ug!

Prepare For An Audiolanche!

For quite a while now, people have been asking us when we're going to be doing more audio. Well, barring any August style stupidity, this is your lucky...weekend.

Wait, did he say weekend?

Yes, yes he did.

Carin and I talked about it and agreed that we want to try something a little different. Instead of blocking off a pile of time and recording a single monstrous something or other cast that's just a hair short of 3 billion hours long, we're going to throw things at you throughout the holiday weekend. Some of these things may be 30 seconds long, some of them could go for 30 minutes for all we know. We have no idea how this will turn out, but we're going to experiment with it.

So keep your eye on the site if you're around this weekend, or grab everything in one shot when you get back from hanging out with people likely much cooler than us. If all goes well, we should have something up for you this afternoon if not sooner.

As always, feel free to let us know what you think. Mentions on Twitter, emails, comments...we'll be keeping a possibly less than sober eye on them all, so feel free to talk to us. And this might be a bad idea, but if any of you have suggestions for what you'd like to hear, let us know. No promises that we'll actually do it, but it's worth a try because hey, you never know.

We'll talk to you all soon. Oh, and happy Labour Day weekend, everybody.

Today In Retardity: Pastor Mike Stahl And The National Atheist Registry

I think I'm gonna let old Pastor Mike here speak for himself. He doesn't need me pointing out how moronic he is, he's done a fine job of that on his own.

All you need to know is that this is his explanation for why we should start national atheist registries, you know, like the kind that exist for sex offenders. Oh, and maybe that he's the pastor of "Living Water Church," a church that only exists online and not in the real world. Not in the real world...kind of like Pastor Mike, methinks.

Now, many (especially the atheists), may ask "Why do this, what's the purpose?" Duhhh, Mr. Atheist for the same purpose many States put the names and photos of convicted sex offenders and other ex-felons on the I-Net - to INFORM the public! I mean, in the City of Miramar, Florida, where I live, the population is approx. 109,000. My family and I would sure like to know how many of those 109,000 are ADMITTED atheists! Perhaps we may actually know some. In which case we could begin to witness to them and warn them of the dangers of atheism. Or perhaps they are radical atheists, whose hearts are as hard as Pharaoh's, in that case, if they are business owners, we would encourage all our Christian friends, as well as the various churches and their congregations NOT to patronize them as we would only be "feeding" Satan.

Frankly, I don't see why anyone would oppose this idea - including the atheists themselves (unless of course, they're actually ashamed of their atheist religion, and would prefer to stay in the 'closet.').

It's been about a year since he wrote that, but the rest of the internet or should I say I-Net is just catching wind of it now. The wind, I should point out, feels like a warm breeze. Like a bunch of hot air, you might say.

And while I'm pointing things out, it should be noted that Stahl says even after a year to think about it and a few days of sudden attention, he still supports the idea. In fact, he says that if somebody wanted to start a Christian registry, they could feel free to put his name at the top of the list.

Don't worry Mike. It may not be a christian one, but the world definitley has the type of registry that would be all over a guy like you.

Can She Sue Them For Worthless Childing?

Without having kids I can't necessarily say so with absolute 100% certainty, but I imagine things like this are why some people still feel completely fine slapping their children. Hell, after reading this, I'd like to slap this woman's children for her. Several times. In the face. With a shovel.

Steven Miner II, 23, and his 20-year-old sister Kathryn sued their mother, Kimberly Garrity, for more than $50000. Their claim? That the pair, who lived in a $1.5 million house, suffered "emotional distress" due to what they call "bad mothering."

So just what was so bad about mom? Well...

While growing up in a luxurious home in Barrington Hills, Ill., their alleged hardships at the hands of their mother included Steven receiving a birthday card that didn’t include cash or a check and did not have a sentiment that he liked, accusations that Garrity did not send him care packages or birthday cards while he was in college, Garrity telling her then-7-year-old son to buckle his seat belt or she would call the police, and Kathryn getting a phone call from her mother at midnight to tell her to return home from her homecoming celebration.

My god, the horror! The...horror!

Other accusations included Kathryn being upset that her mother would not take her to a car show, and Garrity failing to buy toys for one of her children. One of the exhibits filed in the case was a birthday card sent from Garrity to her son that had a group of indistinguishable cartoon tomatoes on the front with one different tomato in the middle that had googly eyes attached. The inside read, “Son I got you this Birthday card because it’s just like you ...
different from all the rest!" Garrity wrote “Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo.’’

How dare this horrible woman subject her kids to...the kind of birthday card I think I've perhaps got a few of kicking around here thanks to nice people who care about me? What a thoughtless cow.

And it gets better.

One of the three lawyers representing the children was their father, Steven A. Miner. He was married to Garrity for 10 years before the two divorced in 1995, according to a report in the Chicago Tribune. In court papers, Miner wrote that he tried to talk his children out of filing the lawsuit.

I'm calling horseshit and douchebaggery on that statement. He tried to talk them out of it, but wasn't so serious about his convictions that he wouldn't agree to represent them, for free, no less? Yeah, that adds up.

Thankfully an Illinois appeals court judge tossed the case, but not before Garrity ran up lord knows how much in legal fees defending herself against charges that never should have made it to paper, let alone a courtroom.

I don't know what kind of woman she is, but I'm sort of hoping she's the type who won't mind turning around and suing to recover her costs, even though these are her kids and she probably loves them for some reason. It would also be nice if she's the type who would start a campaign to have her idiot ex-husband disbarred, because he deserves it.

It would be great to see her take the high road by not stooping to the level her family has, but how awesome would it be to watch her melt these precious little snowflakes with a torch?