Yikes! That's Fat!

Remember Donna Simpson? Well, somebody found a YouTube video of this chick. Holy fat voice, batman. Wow, that's just sad. I really don't have any more words.

Really, It's Pronounced Thibodaux.

This story of a fellow who couldn't spell Robert Taylor is even funnier than the story of Coronica Jackson, or something, which I swear we posted about, but I can't for the life of me find it on the blog.

I do have to give Amos Ashley some credit. At least he didn't pick an alias that was close to his own name. But it would help if he mastered spelling the alias. Spelling the first name Rorth, and then verbally spelling his name Rerert" "Tayloer" sorta kinda gave him away.

And all he got stopped for was a routine traffic stop. Not so much anymore.

The Future of Shopping At Future Shop Just Got Brighter!

Yes! Yes! Yes! It's so good to bring good accessibility-related news. Sometimes, I get so mired in the bad, the futile attempts to make things better. It's so nice to see a victory, and here it is.

I wish I could say I had more of a hand in this. I did write that old Future Shop post, and I tried to make a few calls to the store and head office. But I was either thwarted by their phone system or the manager was not available. So I sure didn't have much to do with this. But the point is by September, there will be tactile overlays at all the Future Shop and Best Buy stores in Canada. No more flat screen debit pads we can't use! Yes!

And hey, Hypercom? The ones who designed the debit pads that Future Shop and Best Buy bought? Think of the blind next time, ok?

Looks Like These Criminals Are Out Of Gas

This is almost as bad as the shop with a cop incident, or the use a counterfeit cheque amid 40 police cruisers incident. The only thing that makes it *almost* as bad is the fact that these two dumbasses only tried to rob the place in front of 4 police officers.

Jacob Wallace and Robert Martin were so bent on robbing the gas station that they failed to notice the 4 cops having coffee inside. They had no choice but to notice them after they took their loot that they didn't pay for out to their car and were promptly chased down and arrested.

Sometimes the cops have to go searching for crime, and sometimes it just shows up in their laps.

A Half Apology, A War On Spam And Some New Words For Snowstorm

Even though it's for your own good in the long run, I sort of feel like Carin and I might owe an undetermined number of you a bit of an explanation/apology for yesterday.

I have no idea how far this spread since everyone on Twitter doesn't follow everyone else, but yesterday morning, after making the mistake of talking about Visas the night before, the both of us woke up to an absolute deluge of spam mentions. We reported them as such, but also happened to start a conversation about bad words to say on Twitter. Well, one thing led to another and before we could say wouldn't it be cool to round up a bunch of people and get all of them to hang out some magic spammer bait words so the spammers can talk to us all and then we'll whack 'em, we'd rounded up a bunch of people who had a great time hanging out magic spammer bait words and reporting everyone who dared try selling us credit cards, iPhones, pizza coupons, diet pills...you get the idea.

Again, no clue how runaway this train got, but our little core group is still kind of at it today, and Carin and I both got comments from people throughout yesterday telling us how great an idea this was. So for all we know there could be other armies of spam baiters out there now, fighting the good fight. Were I the type to believe in stuff like there being a lord, I'd think we are definitely doing his work. I'm sure the world will never defeat spam entirely, but if a few of us can beat it back and make life hell on even one of these sumbitches, it's all worth it.

but back to absolute deluges. If you ended up getting flattened by a torrent of tweets about credit cards and loans being used to buy iPhones on which to order pizza and Viagra, we're maybe just a touch sorry about that. but remember, we're only trying to help. And if you're so inclined, feel free to join the cause. Help us clean up Twitter, one marketing dickhead at a time.

On another note, if you're anything like myself and Carin, you're about quarter past tired of hearing people saying things like snowmageddon and Snowpocalypse when talking about snowstorms. It was funny once, but I forget when that was. We've decided that the world needs some new words, and that those words should be used as a teaching tool to get people interested in current events or even increase celebrity awareness, not that that second one is really a good idea. We only have a few so far, so feel free to help us out. Maybe we can cause more trouble on Twitter or something.

Ok, here's the list as it stands now.

• Snowsni Mubarak
• Snowbodan Milošević
• snowmar Gaddafi
• Snowe Piscosnow

Yes, that one's probably too easy.

• Snowddam Hussein
• Snowsama Bin Laden
• Snowlin Powell

If you've got anymore, emails, comments and tweets are welcomed.

And now that I have wasted your time with whatever this post was, I shall move on. Good day, everyone.

What A William Melchert-Dinkelberry

I heard about this William Melchert-Dinkel creep on Fifth Estate. I appear to have already set the tone for this story. His deal is he is fascinated with suicide and hangings. So, he logs on to chat rooms and finds depressed folk who look like they're on the edge. He then pretends to be a female emergency room nurse who has seen one too many botched suicides and tells suicidal folk that hanging is the best way to end it. Then he convinces the real suicidal person that he also wants to kill himself, and they should do it together via webcam! Nobody followed him up on the webcam part, but at least two people did follow through on their plan.

Now, the disgusting little creep is on trial, and his attorney is trying to say that although his actions are disgusting, they're not a crime because they're under free speech. How does that even work in a place that has a law against aiding in or advising suicide? Telling people "hanging is the best way, this is how you position the rope" is advising suicide, yes? Do you have to be sitting beside the person? How come because it was across the net, it's so much harder to understand?

I have three problems with the defence's attempt to save this pathetic human being from meeting up with Bubba. First, the attorney says that he did not imminently incite these people to kill themselves. Next, he says that the people he spoke to about this were already thinking about it, so you can't blame him for doing what they were already thinking about doing. The final crock is to say that they were the ones who ultimately did the deed. How did his attorney put it? "There needs to be some respect for the autonomy of these two individuals."

First off, um, one of the people who killed themselves did it two hours after her last communication with this guy, a communication that I'm sure was full of instructions on how to end it all. It's not like she waited a month after talking to him. I know it didn't happen five minutes after, but the person had to get to the bridge and jump, so I don't know how long that would have taken. It seems pretty immediate to me.

Next, Of course he spoke to people who were already thinking about killing themselves. If I met up with someone who said "Hey, I was an ER nurse and I've seen lots of suicides go wrong. If you're going to do yourself in, you should hang yourself. I'll tell you what kind of rope you should get. Why don't you do it next week and we can do it together over the net?" I would think they were on crack and promptly walk away. Why? Because I have no desire to take my own life.

Every fraudster under the sun targets his/her victims because s/he has a feeling that this one will make a good mark. They're either vulnerable, stupid, or both. It doesn't make their frauds any less criminal.

And finally, in every other case of fraud, the person willingly hands over their money or whatever the con artist is after. The con artist doesn't have a gun to their head. If he did, it wouldn't be a con job, it would be a robbery. So do we have to have some respect for the autonomy of the defrauded? Is fraud suddenly not a crime because people gave whatever they gave the fraudster of their own free will? Sure it was under false pretenses, but they still did it with no duress.

I would never say that a person who commits suicide had no part in the decision to end their life. Of course, at the end of it all, the only one who can save you is you. But there is no reason why what this guy did shouldn't be a crime. He lied to these people, conning them into thinking he was going to do it too, and helping them plan it. When there is a law against aiding in or advising someone in committing suicide, this seems like a no-brainer.

The judge has 20 days to think this over. I hope he agrees with me.

Duct Tape: The Handyman's Secret Weapon, Not The Parents Photography Tool

You know, I'm glad Caira Ferguson is as dumb as she is. Her stupidity may have saved her daughter.

One day, six months ago, Ferguson thought it would be a swell plan to duct tape her 18-month-old kid into a chair, even duct taping her mouth, and take a picture. The picture was put up on mediatakeout.com but the faces of Stupid Mom and Poor Baby were blurred out, so it would have been pretty hard to identify them...

...

Until Stupid Mom earned her name. I can only guess that she figured out that duct taping your kid into a chair is likely frowned upon, and realized "hey, that picture is up on the net. Whatever shall I do?" And this is the course of action she decided upon. She decided to go tell the police that someone stole this picture of her and her baby, and had stolen her identity, and gave the police a non-blurred version of the picture. But she fully admitted that she duct taped the kid and she took the picture.

To her shock and surprise, police were none too sympathetic to her situation, and she wound up with some child endangerment charges. She also wound up with the cops taking the purple chair seen in the picture, complete with duct tape remnants, into evidence.

Um, fail! But I'm happy she did that. Maybe now the kid can be raised by someone competent.

Somebody Else Thinks We're Awesome!

Trixie here. Man, it's a beautiful day. The weather knob is still kind of c-c-c-c-cold, but not too bad. I think the guy in the sky might be moving the weather knob to the place where I like it.

So Cessna, who I've never met, has decided that this place needs an award or something. Cool! Is an award like a treat? Maybe it's a bone! Hmmm that picture doesn't look like a treat or a bone. What fun is there in that? Oh well, Carin seems happy with that, and when she's happy, I'm happy too. Happy happy bounce bounce!

So there are rules. Hmmm rules. So many rules. If we're to get this treat bone award thing, I have to link to the person who gave it to us. Ok I did that. Then I have to share 7 things about myself. Hmmm. And I have to give this treat bone thing to 15 other blogs! Hmmm.

Seven things about me. What could I possibly tell you that you don't already know? I mean, Carin goes and tells you guys about my strange poops and green pee! What have I left that I could share? Hmmm.

1. I have more grey on my face. More people comment on it. But lots of people still think I'm a puppy, so I guess I can't be that grey.
2. Snow tastes good. Om nom nom. But then I really have to pee. Gee I wonder why.
3. I still don't know what to make of the huppy. If I'm loose in the house, I like to run after him, but if I'm on leash and he comes toward me, I back up. Huppy can walk now, but he's not much bigger than me, and that's just weird.
4. I can tell time. You didn't think a dog could tell time, did ya? Well, come around here near food o'clock and other food o'clock, the humans call that 7 a.m. and 5 p.m. whatever that means. and you'll see that I know how to tell time.
5. I hate puddles. Hate 'em hate 'em hate 'em! And I wish they'd fix that giant lump in the sidewalk. They're making my job harder.
6. I love the shoe thief. I can smell him from far far away.
7. and ya know, I think Rosamae and I can get along not too badly! She doesn't go up and down, up and down on me anymore and she doesn't run after me all the time. I just have to make sure I get to my bed first.

Ok there's 7 things. I don't think they're all new, but hey, there they are. But this 15 other people thing. I don't know. If I could smell them, maybe I could give them an award by smell. But ya can't sniff a blog. Carin, how about you do this part. I'd rather chew an award.

Gees, Trix, leave me with the hard stuff why don't ya?

Funny she should want to chew on a bone. I think the first blog that should get an awesome blog award is No Bones About It: Guide Dogs for the Blind's Blog. If there's anything GDB related going on, they're on top of it.

Next up, because I think she is overdue for an award or six, I nominate Ro from In the Center of the Roof. You and Jayden just keep being awesome. Write stories, or write about baseball, or offer tips on how to do x, y, or z, write about whatever ya like. We'll keep reading.

Next is our buddy J. J, you rock, and keep on rockin'. Also I hope I'll see you in a month or so when we celebrate with Shoe all over again.

I sure can't forget our buddy who writes at Smartpet.net. He even has a dog training e-book!

It's a good thing I'm writing this part, because Trix wouldn't know what to say about Accessibility News. They send out a weekly newsletter and cover news stories about accessibility from all over the world.

And whenever there are awards to give out, I'm always ready to give Andrea, AKA the fairies and elves division, a great big award. Without Andrea, we wouldn't have had a template upgrade.

Our next recipient is James who writes at Welcome to Nowhere. We knew him from school, and he has a pretty cool blog. And hey, he may just be helping us migrate this behemoth over to Wordpress.

Anybody with the talent to train her own service dog, the ability to write like she does, and the creativity to come up with something like the Assistance Dog blog carnival deserves an award. I know you already got one, but Sharon from After Gadget, have another.

I know I've given Jill awards before, but it always feels good to give her another one. She hasn't written in a while, but what is up there is beautiful. You know it's beautiful, because dumbnuts keep stealing it and claiming it's there own. But we know the truth. Plus, she's awesome for her thought-provoking comments over here on the comet. Hey Jill, how's life treatin' ya? Come back soon.

Another one who hasn't written in a while is Ann. She writes more frequently over here, but where we met her was the other place. She's definitely way cool. I admire her determination, her ability to put things so clearly, and all the things that make her so cool that I couldn't possibly wrap up in a neat little package. Some day, maybe I'll meet her in person.

This isn't quite a blog, but what the heck? Another newsletter-like thing that deserves an award is Top Tech Tidbits. It's because of them that I hear about all kinds of new stuff right when it happens. Top Tech Tidbits, you make it easier for me to keep afloat on the technology river.

And I can't forget Blind Bargains. Not only did they lead me to my eyeballs in a box, but they have lots of interviews, live audio at conventions, and other cool stuff.

I'm always a big fan of Randy Cassingham, first because of his "This Is True" newsletter. But now he has a blog, where you can read all kinds of things, and not just wacky news stories. Sometimes he follows up on a story, sometimes he just makes you think. Either way, it's a good read.

Here's another one that's a slight bend to the rules. Does a YouTube channel count? Well, it does today. Growing Up Guide Pup is cool for so many reasons. First, how often do you get the chance to watch a series which details all the experiences that a raiser could possibly expose their pup to? Plus, they explain all kinds of details to Joe Public, so hopefully it'll be easier for us. And finally, just imagine how cool this channel will be for whoever gets Ricki for the long hall? Awesome! I would kill for a Trixie video series.

And just to bring this full circle, my final nomination goes to L^2 of Dog's Eye View. For one, she's fun. Second, she's saved my butt several times on Twitter digging weird video links out of places and stuff. Third, she sells a t-shirt that Steve is now anxiously waiting for in the mail, and she even made Ro possibly the best shirt ever. You rock, L^2.

Wow, that took a while. But I didn't mind one second of it. So here's to the 15 latest recipients of the Awesome Blog Award. Now I should head outside. Trix says it's pee o'clock, and she's right!.

Tired Of Waiting For You

If you were a fan of theFacebook Breakup Notifier,you're going to loveWaitingRoom.

How to describe WaitingRoom? It's kind of like Breakup Notifier, only a bit backwards. Or maybe a better way to put it is that it's a feeder system for the Breakup Notifier.

If you're thinking of ditching your current love but want to make sure you've got options for the future, set up a WaitingRoom. People interested in catching you on the rebound can enter it anonymously and wait for you to do the deed. A short 48 hours later, the app will reveal to you all of your hopeful Prince/Princess Charmings.

What could be more romantic than the virtual equivalent of the creepy kid from 7th grade standing outside your window? Well, besides pretty much everything? And no, there's no chance for things to get even the tiniest bit awkward. Nuh-uh, not at all.

How did we ever survive without Facebook,indeed.

Tonight The Bottle Let Me Down

Michael Kevin Lallana, the man accused last year oftwice brewing up batches of man mustard flavoured water in the bottle of a female coworker,has been found guilty of assault and battery.

A couple of interesting new tidbits have, er, come to light since we first met this fellow, so I shall share those with you now.

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into an “attractive” co-worker’s water bottle because “her lips had touched it,” but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.

“It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives in explaining why he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle twice last year.

When the detectives quizzed him on why he didn’t just throw the water bottle away when he was done, Lallana said he figured she would dump the water and was afraid of leaving anything out of place on her desk.

“Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

Also entertaining in a somewhat twisted way were the methods employed by the victim, identified only as Tiffany G., of figuring out what in the wide wide world of sports was agoin' on here. Maybe that should read wide wide world of spurts, but it's too late now, so we'll continue. To crack the case, it seems she used her CSI skills.

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.

“At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was,” she testified.

Convinced it was semen in the water bottle she had at work, the witness said she approached Orange police but was told they could not do anything based on the suspicion of a crime.

CSI... Cum Stain Ingestion?

NO news on a sentence yet, but let's keep him as far away from the prison cafeteria as we can if it comes to that, ok?

A Brief History Of Regime Propping

I posted this onmy Twittera few minutes ago not thinking I'd put it here, but I think it's something that as many people as possible need to see just in case any of you still think your government has your or anybody's best interests other than its own in mind when making decisions.

Why the West has been cozying up to Moammar Gadhafiis a good overview of the western world's history with Libya and its leadership written by Brian Stewart of the CBC. There's a good chance you may already know some or all of this, but it's quite something to see it all spelled out so clearly in one place.

Here's where I'd sometimes think about quoting a small section of the article to give you a taste of what you would find if you were to click the link, but there's so much going on here that I'm not sure what to choose. Do I go with the part where Canada calls Libya "a beautiful, peaceful country — full of potential"? Do I choose the part where England makes up with them in spite of the Lockerbie bombing, providing weapons to the IRA in the 1970's and more? Or how about the stuff about U.S. companies providing equipment to Libyan special forces...that have been trained by Britain?

Forget block quoting anything. Just go read the story in full. If it doesn't upset you even a little, I don't know what to tell you.

Thank You, CBSC, For Making TV Just A Little Bit Worse

This,for lack of any better way to say it, is fuckin' stupid.

The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council today released its decision concerning two episodes of South Park broadcast on the Comedy Network in March and April 2010.  Both episodes were broadcast at 5:30 pm Eastern Time.  The CBSC found that both episodes contained material that was intended exclusively for adult audiences and so should only have been broadcast after the Watershed hour of 9:00 pm.

So yeah. the Comedy Network, which is a specialty station on cable television that's supposed to be able to show all kinds of fun and edgy stuff 24/7, is not allowed to broadcast things that might upset people during the afternoon because somebody who probably doesn't know the first thing about a sense of humour and likely shouldn't be watching the Comedy Network in the first place complained loudly enough. Just...wow.

It's already damn near impossible to watch the comedy network during the day and early evening because any stand-up specials it shows are edited so much and so poorly that you can't make out three quarters of the jokes through all the mutes, and I'm sure this decision, even though it does seem it wasn't made lightly, is going to find some way to make things even worse with time.

Thank you butt hurt asshole for being the shitter onner of all things good and fun that you are, and thank you CBSC for not doing what you should have done, that being wiping your asses with the letter this person sent, stuffing it in an envelope and mailing it back to said butt hurt asshole signed with love.

TV is getting shittier and shittier and more and more things that in no way should need viewer warnings now have them, probably in what you know will be a futile attempt to avoid situations just like this. I'm waiting for the day I turn on the tube and my cable box doesn't work...intentionally, just in case something on TV might be offensive to the delicate sensibilities of somebody that might live in the same city as I do or who may have lived there at one time.

Jesus Christ.

My Painting of Paint Me On Velvet

So now that I've done album no. 1 of my Austin Lounge Lizards haul from yesterday, it's time for album no. 2, "Paint Me On Velvet". There are some gooders on here, but not quite as many. Let's go.

Boudreaux Was a Nutcase
Somebody wanted to catch the biggest fish ever. Apparently, he was sorry that he got his wish. I get the sense he lost the battle.

Paint Me On Velvet
I love how he says "I'm a man of few words" and they left a big silent spot. Apparently he's decided he's going to leave his girlfriend, but he wants her to paint him on velvet like Jesus and Elvis.

Little Fallen Angel
Hmm. If there's a joke in here I'm missing it. It just sorta sounds like a guy thanking Jesus and something else I can't make out for saving him from himself. Maybe the key is in the something else I can't make out.

Put The Oak Ridge Boys In The Slammer
Apparently they think everybody's sick of the Oak Ridge Boys and wish they'd all go away along with their music.

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
This one sounds like it could be a real country song. I dunno.

Grandpa's Hologram
"Though he has no substance, he is still a great old man." Grandpa died and they made a hologram of him and all day they sit in the kitchen with it, even though it can't say anything, and they reach right through it and get the breakfast jam. They see more of Grandpa now than when he was alive.

Purple People Eater
It is what you think it is, except this purple people eater wants to play in a bluegrass band.

1984 Blues
It is blues about the book 1984, not the year. They didn't disappoint me. There was a room 101 reference in there. Nice siren noises with the fiddles.

Lusters' Motel
just a song about a couple of cheaters in a motel. You'd almost think they were trying to have a real relationship.

The Three Sinners
Or the three little pigs. "Don't build your house of straw or Satan will blow it down." Hmmm. They like their gospel songs.

That Godforsaken Hellhole I Call Home
By the sound of the song, you'd think he was happy to be home. But he's not. Instead, it's more like he's being dragged back here and can't escape. There's something amusing about the words "as squalid as Calcutta, as decadent as rome" being set to a happy little tune.

And that does it for that album. I'm sure it won't be long before I have the final album. It'll be weird not to have any more of their stuff to chase down. There are a couple of DVD's, and those will be cool, but I doubt there'll be any new stuff on those.

One CD Away From Owning All The Lizards Albums

I got a pretty cool late birthday present. Steve got me two more Austin Lounge Lizards albums! I own all the lizards CD's but 1 now. What showed up in the mail yesterday were "Highway Cafe Of The Damned" and "Paint Me On Velvet". Let's look up when they came out. Highway Cafe of the Damned appears to have come out in 1987. Paint Me On Velvet I think came out in 93.

Alright, this post will be dedicated to Highway Cafe of the Damned, which I think is the better of the two albums, although I like 'em both.

Highway Cafe of the Damned
Hmmm. Is this like Hotel California in a truck stop? He's led a miserable life, and he's doomed to stay at the highway cafe of the damned forever. "Waitress, waitresss, bring me some cofins. mouhahahahahah!"

Conhusker Refugee
Um, is that supposed to be Cornhusker refugee? But it's spelled that way on the Lizards site and in a couple of other places. Maybe it's supposed to be an accent thing. So...this guy is gay, so had to leave Nebraska, but now wants to go back there, "where the family ate dead chickens every Sunday afternoon." What a way to put it.

Industrial Strength Tranquilizer
Some have a drink after work. Not this guy. He needs it to help him through the workin' day.

Wendell The Uncola Man
What the hell? This is the happiest song about a dude deciding to shoot his cheating wife and her lover...except he fails and gets shot. And what's uncola? I mean I've heard of it as Seven Up, but does it have another meaning? Well I guess we can't ask Wendell.

Acid Rain
This song sort of reminds me of Smoky Mountain Rain by Ronnie Milsap Except this is the placid acid rain. He's walking through the forests full of dying trees. You can so tell this is 1987.

I'll Just Have One Beer
or six. or something. How come you've got that strange look on your face? I love how he talks about calling her up at 2 in the morning to wake her up and sing to her.

Dallas, Texas
You know a song is going to be awesome when the opening line is "I can't go back to Nashville, Tennessee, 'cause that's a place that I've never been." So he doesn't think much of Dallas. He wants to go there just to see if it sucks worse than losing his girl. Hmm. Is there anywhere in Texas that these fellas like?

Balad of Ronald Reagan
Just awesome. Defies words. Is on Saguaro's level of awesome. I wonder how many Texans hated this song. I'm sure lots of Texans were fans of big Ron. The lizards hated him worse than Nixon.

When Drunks Go Bad
"When he discovered virtue, he gave vice a dirty name." It's the opinion of the regulars at the bar about a reformed drunk. It's a lowdown cryin' shame apparently.

Jalapeño Maria
So he's hitting on the waitress at a mexican bar? Ok then.

Get A Haircut, Dad.
A kid telling his dad what he thinks of how he looks. I guess dad's a hippy. I love the word barbershop being sung as if they were a barbershop quartet.

Chester Nimitz Oriental Garden Waltz
Listen to this and know it will chase you, and you will sing it, even if you can't quite get your head around the tune, and the middle will bug your ears. Tell me, is there a Chester Nimitz Oriental Garden in Fredericksburg, Texas? I have since learned that Chester Nimitz was an admiral in the army, and he was born in Fredericksburg. But what's with the garden? So much of this I think I would only understand if I lived in Texas. But it did make me look stuff up.

And that is Highway Cafe of the Damned. Awesome. I'm glad I'm getting all their stuff.

Facebook Broke Up With The Breakup Notifier

Well it looks like, for now, the Breakup notifier has been broken by Facebook. The best part about this was it was not singled out to be blocked because of privacy concerns or because the idea is just inherently wrongwrongwrong. No no no. It was caught by an automatic spam detection system because it was making too many calls to the API due to the influx of people signing up.

But Facebook went the extra mile, not only blocking the app, but disabling its developer's personal Facebook account.

Well, I guess people will have to figure out if someone is single the old-fashioned way just a little bit longer.

I Wonder What The App Does If Someone's Relationship Status Is "It's Complicated".

Someone has given me yet another reason to not like Facebook. Dan Loewenherz
has developed the Facebook breakup notifier app. So, you can punch in everybody on your friends list who you've had a thing for, and as soon as their relationship status changes to single, bingo! You'll know about it and can start stalking/putting the moves on that person post haste.

This story reminds me of something I actually heard someone say. When Steve was still sick in January, we went to a walk-in clinic, which I affectionately called "The Chamber of Fate." If you've heard the Vestibules skit called "The Chamber Of Fate", you just might understand why I thought this. They open up a door and call out a person's name, and they go into the back. It reminded me of "Stan Bronk. Step into the chamber of fate."

But anyway, while we were sitting there watching people go into the chamber of fate and waiting for Steve to be called, there was a girl sitting behind me with her mom. I think she was about 13 ish. At one point she turned to her mother and said "I was out with some friends the other day and I got thinking. How did we ever survive without Facebook? I mean, how did we ever know if a guy was single, or if we liked him, or if he liked us, or what?" I nearly fainted and needed medical attention myself. Steve couldn't figure out why I was furiously nudging him in the side and snickering. The poor guy was just focusing on listening for his name to be called. Now I wonder if this teenager has signed up for this app, or will soon.

He Was Shit-Faced, Now The Officer Is Too.

Ug! Blech! Yuck eeewww icky. Ok I think I can tell the story now.

Paul Andrew Kausalik, a well-known figure at the post office so they say, was out for some fun one night. I guess he had a little too much fun for him to be able to drive, and police pulled him over.

He failed the field sobriety tests, so they took him down to the station to blow. Before he did, he kept asking to use the rest room and then falling asleep in there.

Finally, the officer got frustrated and told him to either take the breath test or refuse. I guess, in a sense he told him to shit or get off the pot.Well, he shit alright, and spat it at the officer!

Yes, you're reading that right.

Kausalik eventually left the bathroom looking at the floor, walking toward the officer.

Langley asked Kausalik what was in his mouth, and he continued to walk toward the officer, head down and expressionless.

When Kausalik was about 4 feet from the officer, Kausalik looked up, opened his mouth and took a deep breath.

“As I observed what he had in his mouth, I took a step back and began turning my head as he violently spit the contents of his mouth toward my face,” officer Langley wrote in the affidavit. “I felt the matter strike the left side of my face and head.”

Kausalik also had feces on his hands, the affidavit says.

Ugugugugugug! So this fellow took a crap, then put it in his mouth and walked out of the john? Just thinking about that almost makes me wanna ralph.

So, if he's a well-known figure at the post office, I would learn to recognize him and avoid him. Just think of what could be on his hands!

In Your Facebook, Mr. Reporter Guy

It seems that social networking criminals are no longer content to get themselves arrested simply by staying logged in on a victim's computer. Ifthe story of Rodney Knightis an indication of things to come, the job of the police just got a lot easier.

Knight broke in to the Northwest home of Washington Post writer Marc Fisher in December, police said. He helped himself to a number of items, including two laptop computers, a new winter coat and about $400 in cash.

Before leaving the scene of the crime, he put on the winter coat and posed with the cash for a photo he took of himself. He then posted his “loot” photo on Fisher’s son’s Facebook page, the writer said.

Unlike some, Knight did have enough sense to plead guilty to the charges of second-degree burglary brought against him. That's more than can be said for well, pretty much everybody who's ever done something similar as far as I can recall.

Imagine A Jump

This mashup has no right to work, but somehow, it kinda does.Mighty Mike - Imagine a jump.Yes, John Lennon and Van Halen. Really.

Being Poisoned By An Idiot? There's A Visine For That

I've never seen the movie Wedding Crashers, but I do remember the commercials not making it look all that funny. That may explain, at least in very small part, whythis film-inspired prankisn't all that funny either.

Luciana Reichel, 22, thought it would be just haw haw hi-larious to put Visine into her roommate's water bottle. Yes, this is her university roommate, meaning that this brain surgeon got into a school. I'm sure you're all very proud of your diplomas about now.

According to a criminal complaint, on “numerous occasions” late last year Reichel placed Visine in a quart-sized water bottle used by Brianna Charapata, her 20-year-old roommate at a University of Wisconsin Oshkosh dorm. As a result of ingesting the tainted water, Charapata told cops, “she began feeling nauseated, suffered from diarrhea, loss of appetite and was otherwise very tired for no apparent reason.”

Charapata, who said that her doctor was unable to explain the cause of her symptoms, recalled having to leave an October 18 marketing exam when she suddenly became ill.

Reichel’s Visine scheme ended after she told another student about the prank, and that classmate, Laura Gallas, informed Charapata. Gallas told police that Reichel laughed when describing the Visine stunt “because the eye drops…had been making [Charapata] sick.” After seeing this, Gallas added, Reichel said she “decided to add more to her water bottle a few days later and the same results happened.”

When confronted by cops, Reichel reportedly confessed to the Visine stunt, claiming “she got the idea from watching the movie ‘The Wedding Crashers’ where an actor in the movie put eye drops in someone’s drink and it made that person sick.”

If convicted of placing foreign objects in edibles, Reichel could spend up to 3-1/2 years in prison. I say if convicted because sometimes you never know how these things are going to turn out, plus there's always the chance that somebody with this level of brain function could be found not competent to stand trial.

His Defence Was Dead On Arrival

Here are two scary thoughts for anyone living in New York. There's an ambulance company there that allows persistent violent felons to drive their ambulances, and one of them was dumb enough to use the ambulance as a getaway vehicle after a robbery.

Kevin Cheeks had been driving the ambulance for a couple of months. He decided one day to go rob a nail salon. So, he went and grabbed an ambulance, drove it to the salon, and then drove it to his house before taking it back to its rightful place.

Too bad for him, it has GPS on it. After a little checking on the part of the police and the ambulance company after witnesses said they saw an ambulance with their company's name written on it near the scene of the crime, it was game over for Kevin Cheeks.

And uh, about that persistent violent felon thing. Aren't there supposed to be standards for ambulance drivers?

I Think They're Both Nutters

Ok, people need to chill out with their texting rage. First, we had those dudes meeting up to fight because one of them texted the wrong number, and now we have people engaging in a knife fight because of a predictive text error in a text message. I guess the story goes that Neil Brook sent Josef Witkowski a text and called him a mutter. But his phone's predictive text dictionary thought he meant nutter, so that's what it sent. Witkowski did not appreciate being called a crazy man, and showed up at Brook's house with a knife. Brook had a knife of his own, and went completely insane on Witkowski. According to the autopsy, there were 104 injuries on the body, including signs that Brook had kicked and stamped on Witkowski's face. Apparently, Brook was not convicted of murder, only manslaughter. I guess I can understand since Witkowski showed up with a knife first, but there comes a point where 104 injuries has to count for something more than manslaughter, I would think.

And all this over mutter vs. nutter. I must be out of the loop, as I've never heard of mutter as some kind of insult meaning antisocial person. Either way. It's a word. If you guys are friends, why in hell would you pull knives over it. Mutter? Nutter? What's the big deal?

Stripper...Of The Right To Have Kids

It's pretty sad when I can read a story about a chick leaving her kids alone while she goes off to work as a stripper at night and think "Meh, is that really weird anymore?" I've written about similar stories and been all enraged. But it happens so often, parents neglecting their kids, leaving them in filthy conditions, that it doesn't even set me off anymore.

And doesn't the name Corinthian Williams sound like it should belong to a spammer?

The Dead Art Of Nicknaming

Nicknaming is definitely a lost art. I think everybody other than those in charge of nicknaming people knows that. The stuff that passes for good nicknames now is pretty lame, usually consisting of little more than letter from your first name-2 or 3 letters from your last name. Most of the time I just try to ignore this fact and never use the stupid name, but sometimes I can't help but get annoyed, like in the case of the UFC's Kenny Florian. He walks around calling himself "KenFlo." Seriously, he does. Every time he fights, he's introduced as Kenny "KenFlo" Florian. How do you take a guy seriously with a nickname like that? When I hear "KenFlo" I don't think scary man about to lay a whooping on somebody, I think why the fuck did this guy name himself after a toilet? Honestly, KenFlo sounds like a brand of household appliance, not somebody who will ever be a champion at anything...well, at least not anything besides having a shitty nickname.

All of this just to get to the point that old nicknames were better. It isn't hard to be better than "KenFlo", but some went above and beyond the call of duty to be awesome.Here are 11 good ones from the world of baseball.Pretty sure my favourites are Bob "Death to Flying Things" Ferguson, Burleigh "Ol' Stubblebeard" Grimes and of course, Hugh "Losing Pitcher" Mulcahy. I vote we bring that last one back and stick it on A.J. Burnett.

My N86 Has Just Become Eyeballs In A Box!

Well, the day has come. I finally, after hemming and hawing for a year, got myself KNFB Reader, or eyeballs in a box as I affectionately call it.

First I was worried I broke my phone's camera. So, I got that tested out in June at the Aiming for Accessibility conference. Once it was determined that my camera was fine, I tried to get a hold of a dealer. But the pricing kept changing and nobody seemed to understand how I could get a version of the reader with an English user language and a French text language. So I sat and I thought. I didn't want to shell out a heap of dough and then get screwed over.

Then, a classified came up on Blind Bargains that I could not pass up. A dude was selling the software for $600! Yes sir! Turns out he bought an iPhone and didn't want to keep his KNFB software around.

After asking a bunch of questions, I took the plunge. I have never been so nervous to push the PayPal pay button in all my life.

And yesterday, I got the serial number and discovered I got an even bigger bargain. This sucker was authorized for 3 languages. Holy hell! So I can have my French language and translation option afterall.

Today I installed it. I can't imagine doing this without Talks guiding me along. Sure it's a lot of key 1's, but there is one spot where I told it to go to mass memory instead of phone memory. I would never be able to remember where that is, or where it is that you have to sit and wait.

And it works! It works it works! Steve and I ran around like silly people colour identifying everything in sight. Couches, blankets, Steve's shirt, even pieces of fudge! Yes, fudge! I scanned a CD cover, and after figuring out the height I need to hold it, I got a pretty good scan. It definitely requires practice at first, but it works!

Finally I have my eyeballs in a box! Yes!

Hey Look! I Won My Assault And Battery Merit Badges!

Don't get between Hersha C. Howard and her girl scout cookies. she might chase you with a pair of scissors and clobber you with multiple boards.

The story goes that Howard came into her room-mate's bedroom in the middle of the night and demanded to know if she ate her thin mints cookies. The room-mate said she had fed them to Howard's children because they were up in the night and hungry. And that's what started it.

The woman offered Howard $10 to pay for the cookies, but reports say Howard refused and the two women began to argue. The argument became physical and the woman's husband pulled Howard off her, while she ran from the room.

Reports say Howard picked up a pair of scissors and followed the woman in a threatening manner. The woman ran down the stairs, but reports say Howard dropped the scissors and picked up a board and struck her as she ran down the stairs.

The woman then ran to the kitchen, where Howard followed her, knocked her to the ground and continued to hit her. The husband separated them again, allowing the woman to run out of the house. Howard, reports say, followed and picked up a sign and began to strike the woman again.

Settle down lady! And you're raising kids? Eek!

I feel sorry for the room-mate, but who thinks it's a good idea to feed thin mints cookies to kids at 1 in the morning? Yeah, they'll go right back to sleep after that. Although, how do kids who live with a mom like that sleep anyway?

Oh What Fun, At The Crack Of The Gun, When The Whole Gang Disappears...Through The Ice

Time for a different soundtrack.

If you see a snowmobile go through a hole in some thin ice, trying to rescue the occupants by driving your own snowmobile up to the hole is probably not going to work.

Thankfully everybody made it to shore and will probably be ok. Geesh people, think! Although this did happen in Newfoundland

Thou Shalt Not Take Back My Lexis!

According to Ken Falzini, a repo man who came to get Rev. Marc Neal's lexis because he was behind on payments, Neal has an odd way of dealing with his problem.throw the guy on the hood of his car and drive around. Also, turn on the wipers, make lots of sharp turns, all the while grinning, and threaten to take him onto the interstate.

Luckily for Falzini, he wasn't injured. But it looks like Neal has some splainin' to do. He claims he never did any of that, but Falzini sure has a creative mind if he made up so many details.

Wow, I'm believing a repo man over a minister.

Ever Heard Of A Rope?

When transporting a matress, a person should not be used to hold it down. Otherwise, when you make a turn, chances are you'll lose both person and matress. It looks like this guy is going to make it, but he took a good knock on the head.

He's In The Doghouse Now

Joel Dobrin's dog may be in trouble. According to this story, he's a snitch!

Police pulled Dobrin over for a routine traffic stop, when they were assaulted by a flying sock full of marijuana and Hashish. They originally thought Dobrin had thrown it out the window to get rid of it, but Dobrin told them what really happened.

According to Dobrin, he was going to stash the sock somewhere, when his dog decided it would make a fine tug toy. He grabbed a hold of it and promptly won the war. Then I guess he didn't care for the sock anymore, and made it fly out the window.

The only thing that makes me think this story might be true is the fact that Dobrin admitted he *was* going to hide the drug-filled sock. Hiding it, I would think, would be worse than ditching it.

So I wonder if the dog is off to a jail of his own now.

His Head And His Gun Were Both Emmpty

Ya know, showing an unloaded gun to someone in an attempt to rob them might work in some places, but I don't think it'll work too well at a gun shop. It didn't in this case, since the owner had a loaded gun of his own.

Not only that, but the robber, who also set $40 on the counter in an additional attempt to distract the gun shop owner, left that behind too.

Yup, dumb.

Happy Birthday To Shoe.

So last Saturday we had a party for the shoe thief. Back about a month ago, Shoe turned 40! We wanted to do something special for him, but between Steve feeling sick and one of Shoe's friends being unavailable because of being on the other side of the world, we put off his party until we knew he could be home, and last weekend looked like the best time. I've been meaning to write about it all week, and apparently I'm just getting around to it now. I fail.

It was fun planning it. We had lots of help from a couple of Shoe's friends in tracking down old buddies from Shoe's past. Not everybody could make it, but everybody seemed to want to.

A few people came in from out of town and crashed at our house. Good times. Sadly, the one that was on the other side of the world, who we sort of jiggered party dates around for, caught the flu and couldn't make it. But he says he'll come down and he and Shoe can celebrate with us again on a smaller scale.

It was so hard keeping it a secret from Shoe while we were planning. A couple of us kept asking him really random questions like "Where does so and so live?" Shoe's girlfriend? even looked on his Facebook for names I would feed her. We wanted to find their phone numbers, but had no way of doing it without some info. Meanwhile he's starting to wonder why we're spying, asking questions about where old friends live.

In the end it all came together pretty well, especially with the help of Shoe's girlfriend? She made a giant carrot cake for the occasion. Go Shoe's girlfriend?! She also got him to the restaurant where a bunch of us were waiting.

We had decided we should have this big ol' party at the Woolwich Arms. We all love this place. I mean, it has awesome food, and we know how much Steve and Shoe like their Stone Hammer. Plus we've gone there a lot together and it's easy for people to pop in and out. We called ahead and made sure they could take us, and they said there was a band coming, but they should have no problem with our group. Yea! So Shoe's Girlfriend? told Shoe that she felt like going out, and the Wooly would be fun. Shoe agreed. I guess at the last second, he wanted to call us and invite us to drop by the Wooly later, but Shoe's girlfriend? convinced him to wait and see. She had to do some fancy-dancin'!

...

Then he got there, and we were all quietly waiting. Then Steve started tapping and nudging him. I could hear Shoe saying over and over again, "Hey! The guy at the bar keeps hitting me!" Later, he told us he thought the dude at the bar who kept hitting him was having some kind of asthma attack or something, and he was trying to figure out exactly how he could save him. Poor Shoe.

Finally, Steve spun Shoe around and said something to him, and Shoe's response was priceless! "Steve! What are you doing here?" I guess he thought Steve and I were going out to another place to belatedly celebrate my birthday. Then we all yelled "Surprise!"

He still had no idea who all was here. He thought we'd just told everybody in the bar to say surprise. How 'bout nope. When he figured it out, and realized that people had come from out of town, he was flabbergasted. It was great. He kept saying "How did you get a hold of this person, and that person? How...how?!"

It was so cool to watch old friends stroll over, have a chat with Shoe and sit and talk a while. When one guy showed up, we got the whole bar chanting "Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!" I think anyone who wasn't part of our party must have thought we were weird. Sometimes we'd start singing, and according to Shoe's Girlfriend? people were looking at us and laughing. Oh well, ya only turn 40 once. Get this. We were so loud that I think we were louder than the band! I never heard any band play. Oops.

I'm not sure what Trix thought of the evening. She did a very good job, but our buddy Anton kept somehow knocking over/spilling his beer! And, since he was right at the joint between two tables, it kept seeping down through the table and onto Trix. I had to take her home and give her a weird sponge bath because I don't have the right nozzle to properly direct it at her.

I'd also like to say that Ben from the Wooly was friggin awesome. He took Shoe's bill and split it between all of us so we only each had to pay a little extra. He even brought Shoe a shot and sang "The Old Black Rum" when he brought it. Ben is one cool dude.

When we'd been there until about 11:30 ish, we tried to call a cab and ran smack into the same problem that screwed us over in October. Luckily, we called in time to catch one of the last buses. So imagine 6 blind/visually impaired folks, some of whom were quite hammered, getting on the bus and trudging through the snow to our house. I think we gave the driver quite the serenade. There was a lot of calling of names to make sure we were all aboard the blind train. Much thanks to Shoe's girlfriend? for helping lead some of us from the Wooly to the bus.

One of the funniest things happened when we got home. Steve, Shoe, and our buddies Anton and Tim headed upstairs while Barb and I took our pooches to pee. Then Barb and I came up, and couldn't figure out why the door was still locked. Figuring that I had miscounted floors, we headed back towards the elevator to check. Just then, we heard the dudes coming out of the elevator. Whaaat? How come we managed to beat them to our floor after we took our dogs to pee when they were heading straight for the house?

Steve told us the elevator had taken *them* to the wrong floor, and they just got here. Then somebody said "Hey! Where's Anton?"

Uh, what do you mean where's Anton? Thank god we knew that everyone had made it safely to the building. That brought the panicpanicpanic factor down a tad. Steve said "he was in the elevator with us, where could he go?"

So, we split into 3. Barb and Tim went back to the house in case he phoned there, Steve and Shoe stood outside the elevator in case Anton popped out, and I went from floor to floor saying "Anton. Anton? Anton!"

I had gotten to the second floor when my cell phone rang. "Anton's in the lobby!" Ok, off I go. The door opened, and there he was. This is the one time that we can be thankful for that elevator music they play in the lobby. When Anton heard it, he knew where he was.

The poor guy. I guess when the elevator opened at the correct floor, he didn't hear Steve say "Ok everybody out." He thought they were meeting up with Barb and I. So he stayed on and then the elevator took him back down and there was no pair of girls with dogs.

But once we got Anton up to our apartment, all was good. Shoe was so happy that someone did this for him, and that made all the planning and spying worth it. The party didn't stop until 4 in the morning. You know it's a good night when Shoe falls on his face while trying to put his shoes on to leave. And yes, they were the correct ones.

Ah lots of good memories will be attached to that night. Shoe even tried to follow through on his bet with Anton, but Anton wasn't havin' it. That was funny. It just made me happy to see Shoe so happy. Hope it was a good 40th, Shoe!

I Call For A Code Blew My Mind

I saw this a while ago, but couldn't find a story on it.

If you collapse in a hospital, you would think that you would have help readily available, right? Apparently not at Peace Arch Hospital in White Rock, B.C. according to Stephen Braybrooke. His father collapsed feet from a nursing station, and the nurses remained in the station and called 911 instead of calling for a code blue and coming to the guy's aid.

What? Why? I'm sure the paramedics could not understand being summoned to help someone *inside* a hospital, ya know, where all the doctors and nurses are.

The hospital is extremely lucky that Jim Braybrooke survived, does not remember what happened, and is in good spirits. If the 86-year-old man died, there would have been a lawsuit for sure.

Well, Now They Have A Bigger Ashtray

Here's another lesson. If you use a hole in your house's floor as an ashtray, this may happen to you. Your house may catch fire and it might cause $30000 in damage, if you're lucky.

A hole in the floor as an ashtray? What?

Watch Out For Carma. It'll Snow Ya!

Here's a story fit to make me cackle.

Three punks decided that they had the perfect situation. A nasty snow storm was causing lots of motorists to be stuck. So, they would arrive next to the stuck car, and the desperate motorist would think they were coming to help. But no no no. they were going to demand money.

Unfortunately for these 3, Carma came around like a shovel to the head. One of their victims got a good description of the vehicle, and then their vehicle got stuck in the snow, allowing police to come find them more easily. At this point, they all blamed each other and tried to claim minimal involvement. Probably not going to work. Later, Michael Wilson, Jr., Darion Page and an unnamed minor. You fail.

Hahahahahahahahehehehehehehehehohohohohoho! Great stuff. I love when someone's evil planning comes back to bite them.

And What Have We Learned Today, Boys And Girls? Your Supply Teacher Is Crazy!

It looks like William Amory believes in the Home Depot Pry Bar guy philosophy for dealing with uncooperative devices. Break stuff. But Ammory doesn't restrict his rage to the offending device. Oh no. He goes after the people trying to help him.

Amory was a substitute teacher for a second-grade class. He was having trouble getting the interactive whiteboard to work. In the end, he threw the remote and punched 3 students who tried to help him. One of them vomited in the classroom, one had to go to the ER for chest pain, and the other one fell back into her chair.

Apparently this guy has had other complaints against him: one for yelling at kids, and one for reading them bible excerpts instead of class material.

Gees, this guy needs to go to anger management class. I know technology is frustrating, but that's just wrong. The poor little kids.

Whatever Counts For A Brain Got Frozen Too.

I saw this last week, but it got lost in the shuffle.

Sven Riedel, a German extreme athlete, decided he wanted to motorcycle across 300 km of Siberia. But the fella got frostbite. Why? Did his equipment fail him? Nope, he wasn't adequately dressed for the weather. He didn't think it would be so cold. Yeah, in January, in Siberia. What did you think, it would be sweltering?

He also doesn't speak any Russian. You'd think, before biking across a country whose primary language is Russian, that you would learn some words. But somehow a couple convinced him to get in their car so they could take him to the hospital.

And here's where I just want to scream "That's not fair!" He may have been badly frostbitten, but he won't lose any fingers or toes. So, he likely won't learn from this experience. Why is it that the people who do their best to keep themselves healthy end up with horrible injuries, while the stupid, like this guy, can get out unscathed?

I wonder where he'll bike next. Maybe he'll go to the Grand Canyon in the summer and not expect it to be so hot.

Good Things Grow In Ontario, And They Just Got Easier To Buy

Ooo! This little story about the 100 Mile Market coming to Guelph makes me drool. Mmm local food. Local food you can order online and then scoop up at a depot. Local food that you can order online, scoop up at a depot and not have to fight crowds at the market just to find. Not that I mind the market, but if I ever want to go, I have to bring eyeballs because I don't have a hope in hell of navigating it on my own because a. it's crowded and b. you never know what vendors are going to show up each week. So mmmm this could be dangerous for the pocketbook!

It is opening on Monday. Hey Steve, wanna buy some pork chops to see if we can do this online thang?

Mmm mmm mmm! Locally-grown food rocks!

Some More People On That Bus With Tim McLean Want Heads To Roll

You know, when I said that the McLean family suing everyone related to the Greyhound stabbing was a little ridiculous, I had no idea that a more ridiculous lawsuit was possible. Now, I know.

Two women who were on the bus when the incident happened have decided that they need to sue the exact same parties that the McLean family is suing to compensate them for their suffering.

Here is their list of ridiculous claims.

• The government needs to be sued for not ensuring national transportation security,
• Greyhound didn't do enough to make passengers' secure at passenger points,
• The RCMP needs to be sued for not getting Vince Li off the bus faster,

and

• Vince Li needs to be sued because he should have realized the brutality of his acts and obviously should have known that he had a mental condition in need of treatment!

These women are blaming every misfortune under the sun on the Greyhound incident. I'm sure if they were soaked in the rain one day while waiting outside, what happened on that bus in July of 2008 would have been the cause. They're also suing for $3 million.

Ok, let's break this lawsuit down. First, I find it interesting that their lawsuit mirrors the one filed by the McLean family. The exact same people are getting sued. And in both cases, I say how could the government have possibly anticipated this? It was completely random, and the person who committed the act was, well, out of his mind. There is no way they could have planned for that.

As for suing Greyhound, I'm sure the first lawsuit is responsible for the more restrictive way you have to buy your tickets now. You now have to buy tickets for specific dates and times. Gone are the days when you could just buy a ticket two weeks in advance to somewhere, and it was good for 3 months. I really liked those days. Also, as I said in this year's holiday post, Greyhound makes you put certain items in your checked luggage. I'm 99.9% sure this is also due to what happened on that bus. Do we need another suit to bring even more security measures?

And, like I said in the first lawsuit, the only part that has a shred of a chance is the part to do with the RCMP not getting him off the bus faster. That was weird. But even in that case, I think the McLean family has more of a right to sue. It was their family member whose body was so mutilated.

And here comes the most ridiculous claim. Vince Li should have known that he had a condition that needed treatment, and he should have appreciated the brutality of his acts. Yeah, because people experiencing psychotic episodes are known for their lucidity. Just, dumb. And you know what they say about blood and stones. I don't think Mr. Li has anything to give you, and if he did, he would probably be found mentally incompetent. Can you sue a mentally ill person who was found not criminally responsible? Is there the same mental competence rules? I honestly don't know. I guess you could sue whoever was taking care of him, but still. I don't think he has any money to give you.

I am not doubting that if I were on that bus, I would be messed up for quite some time. I am sure that I may have needed medication. Who knows, I may have not been able to board a Greyhound bus for who knows how long, which would royally suck for me since I'm not really jumping in a car and driving anywhere. But that doesn't mean I should sue. It was completely random and not reasonably foreseeable. It would be far more productive to focus on trying to put my supposedly shattered life back together than to go around suing everybody remotely connected to what happened that day.

Incidentally, what happened with the first lawsuit? I haven't seen anything about it.

She May Be Toothless, But She's Not Grinning.

What's up with this? A dude, for no reason that is given, pushed his disabled mother down, choked her, and ripped out her upper dentures. What? Why? Even weirder is this isn't the only case I've heard of some random guyripping out people's dentures. Now the only question is whether Christopher Harding rips lots of people's dentures out on a regular basis like that other guy did, or whether he's just mean to his mother.

If That Isn't Cruelty To Animals, What Is?

What the? Apparently, you can marinate your cat and not be found guilty of cruelty to animals. And how exactly is that possible? Maybe someone close to Gary L. Korkuc can explain what is not cruel about that. Meanwhile, I'll be shaking my head.

Maybe He Really Is Invincible.

Holy crap. Exactly how drunk do you have to be to get hit by a train and not know it? Leonard Nickelray says he had been drinking and was walking home groovin' to his apparently way too loud iPod when the train came up behind him and wompled him. He flew through the air, but witnesses said he just got up and kept walking.

When police tracked him down, he had no idea what had happened, but noticed now that all kinds of parts of his body hurt. They took him to the hospital, and they found no broken bones.

What the? How the? It's a train. Most of us would be dead or pretty severely injured. But not this guy. He just gets up like nothing happened.

I wonder if this would have been the way our buddy Anton would have reacted if he had been hit by a train while drunk. Reading this story reminds me of a certain New Years party. Anton was pretty gone, and started bouncing off walls and screaming "I am invincible!" When we told him about it the next day, he said "I was wondering why my hips hurt today." That'd be why, bud.

I think Leonard Nickelray should run out and buy a lottery ticket. He's a very lucky man.

She Won't Do The Dishes At Home? Well, She's Doing Them Here.

Here's another valuable lesson. If you're going to be dumb enough to dine and dash, don't leave your 12-year-old daughter behind. Also, don't then call the sheriff's department and claim that your daughter was kidnapped.

That would have been a strange meal. Melissa Ashley Graham and her daughter sit down to dinner, and Graham orders wine. After a couple of glasses, she starts acting weird. She spits her bread back out on the table, shoves her food across the table and tells her daughter to get a box and then she leaves. Just up and leaves her daughter in the restaurant.

But for some odd reason she just sat outside in her car. The manager came and found the kid sitting alone, and then found the mom outside. After lying about leaving a credit card on the table, she sped off! She just left her daughter and sped off.

And this is when she said her daughter had been kidnapped. Now that everything has come unravelled, the kid is in the care of Children's Services.

And all over a dinner bill. What the hell?

One Of Life's Great Mysteries Ruined By Reality

Themystery of the Biscayne Bay pianohas beensolved.

The mystery behind the original prank was solved last week when 16-year-old Nicholas Harrington admitted placing the piano on the sandbar as part of a creative project designed to win him a college admission.

He was ordered to remove the piano within 24 hours, though a musician got there first and claimed it as marine salvage, according to the Miami Herald.

The grand piano spent almost a month on the sandbar among the pelicans and seagulls, drawing widespread attention.

The observant among you may have noticed the words "original prank" in the quoted section above. That's because it appears the bay is becoming a place to put things for purposes of getting attention.

After the piano thing was figured out, next to arrive was a setup that included a table, two chairs, place settings, a bottle of wine and a chef statue. Lord only knows why, but what is known is that the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission would appreciate it if y'all would kindly cut it out. Anyone caught leaving items on the sandbar will be arrested from this point on, they say.

What a letdown this piano thing turned out to be. Anything that could have a great story behind it or remain a mystery for the rest of time that turns out to be a publicity stunt pretty much always sucks. But at least now we know so we don't have to spend time wondering and caring anymore. Thanks for ruining our fun, kid.

Something Malignant Is Spreading, But It's Not Cancer

We have yet another cancer-faker, but this one was in B.C. What is up with this?

Tina Sammons told lots of close relatives that she had cancer, needed a kidney transplant and other stuff, but because she was an American citizen, she didn't have health coverage in Canada. They gave money, but I guess her brother-in-law became suspicious and hired a private detective. That's when he discovered it was all a lie, and she blew the money at casinos.

I don't know how these people can live with themselves. Not only did they steal the money from their families, but they put them through pure hell. Her husband's family thought that Sammons was going to die and did everything they could to help her. Meanwhile she was just ripping them off.

Well, Tina Sammons is off to jail for 3 years, and her husband's family has a lot of healing to do.

He Didn't Catch The Train, But The Train Caught Him

Since we have talked so much about people crossing the tracks and not hearing or seeing the oncoming train and then getting smucked by it, I thought this video had a place here. Apparently this guy was moving rather slowly. I don't know, because the audio in the video doesn't mention how fast he was going, although it says he was rushing to catch the train. It does say he didn't see it. Um, how?

This Program Is Brought To You By People Who Aren't Using Their Inside Voices

I said all I had to say on the topic of overly loud TV commercials whenthe United States took a step towards putting an end to them,so this post serves only to remind you of that and to answer the when is Canada going to do the same question. The answer, and thank Christ for this, ishopefully soon.

The CRTC is going to be reviewing the issue and wants public comments. When I figure out where those comments are to be sent, I'll update this post.

In the meantime, my offer of a free beer to whomever puts an end to this nightmare still stands, so lets get it done.

Get On The Strait And Narrow

sing a song of calamity.

Here's another guy who is not meant for a life of crime, although it seems crime goes far back in his life.

Things were not going well for Randall Scott Strait at all when he decided to rob a corner store. First of all, he didn't even come with a bag! So, he had to root one out of a dumpster. You'd think if he was planning to rob a place, he would have brought a bag. I mean, he remembered a gun, but not a bag?

Next, his ski mask was on all crooked, so it probably wasn't disguising his face too well.

He managed to ask for money, but when he didn't get it, he grabbed the cash register while it was still plugged in. Too bad for him, the clerk was very fast on his feet and grabbed back on the register's cord, sending Strait, well, down.

And down he continued to plummet in the bad luck department. When he reached for the register, he set down his gun. Yoink! Clerk picked it up, along with a baseball bat. Smack smack smack went the baseball bat on Strait's head. Run run run trip fall went Strait outside. He managed to get in his car, but not before the clerk delivered one final blow to Strait's rear window. Smash!

So when police came knocking on Strait's door because of an unrelated matter, he kinda got busted, especially since his car had lots of evidence in it, and they could compare his image with that on the security camera.

Bye-bye guy. Don't rob again. It would be a good idea to stop while you can.

They Got It All Wrong With This Song About Schlongs...

Ya know, I would have had no problem with the lyrics in this video talking about contraception, which was put out by Midnight Beast in combination with Marie Stopes international, except for two lines.
"One up the bum, and it's no harm done.
One up the bum, and you won't be a mum."

But ya still could catch stuff. Did they have to put that in there? And why did they bleep bum? Kids are going to spend more time focusing on what that word was supposed to be than the whole rest of the video.

I love how people at Marie Stopes focus on the fact that the video is promoting condom-use, but don't really mention how those lines got in there. Did they just give Midnight Beast creative license and that's what they came up with? Why didn't they stop it before it hit YouTube?

And apparently there's one point where someone's eating a banana and finds a condom in his mouth. What's up with that?

I have no problem with a fun video to grab kids' attention to teach them about condom-use, but...one up the bum? Excuse me?

This Story Took Me To My Unhappy Place

Holy hell! This is just insane! It's insane enough that a nurse would steal painkillers from a patient, but more insane is that the rest of the team carried on the procedure even though the patient was in obvious pain! Excuse me? They had to hold him down to finish. Hold him down? Wouldn't someone have checked what he got? And the nurse that did this to him began to be unsteady on her feet and fell asleep and they just carried on? What kind of hospital is this? And all the spokesperson managed to say was

"It doesn't sound like something that we would want to happen to one of our patients. This isn't the kind of behavior we would want in our hospital."

Doesn't sound like? Excuse me?

I can't even imagine being told that they couldn't give enough painkillers, and to man up and take some of the pain. Then, while moaning and struggling, to be told to "go to your beach, your happy place."

I'm so glad he went to the police. Who knows how many people Sarah Casareto has done this to. And Abbott Northwestern Hospital needs a good wake-up call.

You Don't Have A Virus, But This Scam Is Spreading Like One

This happened last Monday, and I've been meaning to write about it ever since in the hopes that it might help someone else.

The phone rang, and the caller ID said number unknown, but I decided to pick it up anyway. It then rang in my ear. Auto-dialer fail! Then, a heavily accented voice started to talk to me. This is what he said, as best I can remember.

"Hello. I am calling you from computer maintenance. It seems that your computer has caught a little virus..."that's as far as he got before he found himself talking to the dial tone.

I had just heard about this phone scam, but the version I heard said the person phoning pretends to be from Microsoft and claims you have a virus. But I figured this was similar enough.

If I had allowed him to continue, he probably would have either asked me to download something which would then give him remote access to my machine, or he would have started asking for my passwords or banking info. Either scenario would have been no good.

The point is that no one is going to phone you up and tell you you have a virus, and then offer to fix it for free. If you need phone tech support to fix a virus, you have to initiate the call and you would have to pay.

So, if some random person from a random company phones you and tells you you have a virus, don't give them what they want. No good can come of it.

Movin' On Up Away From Meetup

Well, it looks like the end of our days with Meetup is coming. After I told the group what was going on, they all agreed it was time to move along. So then I thought a Google Group would probably do the job. And now, we have one.

I'm still working out some kinks, but I think it just might work. The only thing I'm super not liking is it doesn't appear to send out a welcome message to people who ask to join and I approve them. I know that Google Groups dropped support for custom welcome messages, but I'd just like them to receive something from Google that says they've been approved, here's how you post to the list and here's how you manage your options.

But through a bit of testing, people don't appear to be receiving even that. So how will they ever know if they've been approved? How will they know how to post?

I also don't receive notifications if people I have previously invited accept their invitations. I receive notes when I have to approve someone, but nothing for the people I've already invited. That's not as big of a deal, but it's still annoying.

But once I figure these little wrinkles out, I think we'll be hummin'. So, if you live in the Guelph, Ontario area and want to join us for some good conversation in French, pop on over to the Google Groups page and request to join.

He Left No Witnesses, But Lots Of Evidence

So some boys broke into an abandoned apartment complex and stole some stuff. But then one of the boys decided they couldn't leave any witnesses, so killed the goldfish that were in the tank. Didn't anybody tell this kid that a. goldfish don't talk, and b. goldfish have a three-second memory?

So now, on top of the burglary charges he's facing, he's got some nice cruelty to animals charges.

Looks like even though you left no witnesses, you still got caught.

There Won't Be A PlayStation In Prison

In one night, Kendall Anderson has ruined his life, and all over his mom taking his PlayStation away. I would have linked to the original, but JAWS's app mode locked me up so bad that I couldn't properly read the story there.

I guess Anderson got into some trouble, I don't know what kind. So, his mom took away his PlayStation. This was his response.

Kendall went into his sleeping mother's bedroom, hit her 20 times with a claw hammer and ultimately killed her.

According to Anderson's statement, the 11th grader at Daniel Boone School in North Philadelphia paced for about three hours in his South Philadelphia home trying to decide if he should kill his mother.

"I couldn't stand the arguing," Lucke said, reading the youth's statement.

When the hammer attack did not kill her, Anderson told police, he dragged her downstairs and tried to "cremate her" in the kitchen oven. When that failed, he continued, he beat her in the head with a chair leg before dragging her body outside and hiding under debris in an alley behind the house.

Lucke said that Anderson expressed remorse for the crime and told him: "If I could, I would not do it again. I really miss my mom . . . she was the only person who cared for me."

and you killed her over a Playstation, and you thought about it for 3 hours before doing it. You need serious help.

She's Not Scooting Out The Door So Fast

If you're going to shoplift from a store, and you use a scooter because you're kinda on the big side, make sure your scooter can fit through the exit. Otherwise, it will all be for nothing, wouldn't you say, Jerrie Perkins? Maybe you should have snuck the stuff out by hiding it in your rolls like those other people tried to do.

Closed For Robbers, Open For Business

Apparently, all you have to do to get rid of some robbers is tell them the bank is closing. Then they just walk away quickly. But on the other hand, most robbers don't hand you illegible notes on ripped paper plates, so this may not work so well.

It's Not Twitter. Maybe You're A Twit.

Here's a little something I saw on Twitter. the Seven deadly sins of Twitter. Apparently, these are the ways Twitter can ruin your life. Most of it either is overexaggerated or these problems only come up when you obviously don't have a life which Twitter could ruin to begin with. But this item killed me.

2. Secret DM’s- If you are married and find yourself having secret DM conversations with someone of the opposite sex, That can be trouble.  What I mean my secret, are those seemingly innocent conversations that your spouse doesn’t know about.  Always leave your Twitter account stuff accessible to your spouse… I recommend universal passwords for both you and your spouse for all Twitter, Facebook, e-mail and Social Media accounts; in other-words all log-in and passwords are the same.  If you find yourself remotely questioning the potential of one of your Twitter conversations or relationships; share the conversation with your spouse and block that person immediately.

or how about being a decent human being and trusting the other to be one too? I do not need to be snooping about in Steve's email and Twitter, nor does he need to be snooping about in mine. If that need ever arises, or if you're starting to consider other people as possibilities, your relationship has problems and you need to sit down and talk to your hubby/wife. The problem isn't the other people on Twitter, it's your marriage.

Ug. I just had to post that after I saw Steve's chastity garter post.

How To Land 'Em And Keep 'Em, all While Breaking The Bank

I'm going to keep this post quick since Carin and I are busy not buying presents and doing nothing special for Valentine's Day, but I do want to say that I am a very lucky guy. It's an amazing feeling knowing you've found a person you can ignore Valentine's Day with, and it might be even better to know that finding such a person didn't requirepaying some company the bargain price of $360 per month to rifle through dating sites on your behalf, write all your jokes and touch up your photos so you don't look like the type of person who would need to pay $360 per month to have some company rifle through dating sites on your behalf and write all your jokes.Seriously, there's a company calledVirtual Dating Assistantsthat offers those services and so much more, including wink management, whatever that is.

And $360 a month is cheaping out. There's an executive package available for $1440 (yes, per month) that entitles you to a briefing session before you go on your dates, plus date concierge services, whatever that is.

And if you manage to land yourself a someone special and have any money left over, you'll want to make sure your new love does not stray. Thankfully, technology's got you covered. All you need is a"Chastity Garterfrom Gorgeous Garters. It'll only set you back £75 which is cheaper than the dating site, but still.

These new luxury items are garters with a difference. They contain a microchip that monitors the heart rate from the femoral (thigh) artery in real time as well as surface moisture. If the chastity garter detects a wife or girlfriend’s abnormally rising pulse during sex when the husband or boyfriend isn’t around, or if the garter is removed from the body, then it will automatically send him a warning text message.

If you don't have trust what do you have, and all that lovey dovey folksy crap.

Happy Valentine's Day to all. Now if you'll excuse me, I think i've got some romantic online shopping to do after all.

Three More To Add To The Parents Of The Year Pile

Wow. I can't remember if I've seen 3 stories of people mistreating kids in their care in a week before, but I sure see them now. How depressing.

First is the story of a woman wacking a nine-year-old boy on the head with a frying pan because he dropped a bagel with cream cheese on her floor, which her dog began licking. Uh, how about cleaning up the mess? I'm sure it was an accident. But apparently this isn't the first time she's done something like this. But the kid never spoke up before. Poor kid.

Next up is Charysma Bond, who beat up her 22-month-old son for knocking a cake off a table. Woman, you have issues.

And finally, there is the story of a woman handcuffing her sixteen-year-old son to a chair for days because he'd gotten in some trouble. I guess she only let him outside to shovel snow and he had to ring a bell if he needed to go to the bathroom. He eventually was able to call 911.

Those are some scary people looking after kids.

Raise Your Spirits, Raise Them High!...

Eeewww. Don't let Richard Molett near your kids. he gets excited watching little girls in a cheerleading competition. Gross. There he was, watching some little girls in a park when he whipped it out of his pants and started playing with it right in front of everyone. He was soon arrested, and found to be intoxicated.

Some people need help.

The Sender Needs Time On The Couch, But Not That Kind.

If you're trying to sell a couch, do you really think sending pictures of people engaged in the act of oral sex on said couch is a good tactic? I don't know about you, but I'd be worried about what would have been left behind on the couch, and would want to run far far away from buying it.

But it's especially bad when you send the pictures to the wrong number, and the recipient is a nine-year-old boy. Then the police get involved.

One statement the boy's family made stands out to me.

The family says they gave Ty'Ge a cell phone so he and his sister could check in with the family before and after school.

"It was a security blanket," Moore explained.

Now, they feel their security has been breached and are not sure what to do.

"Do you keep the phone or take the phone?" Moore asked.

Uh, it's a no-brainer. Let him keep the phone. Weird shit is bound to happen. At least he was smart enough to show the pictures to his family and go "What's this?" I think he can handle it if you sit him down and talk to him about it. I know it sucks to have to talk to him about this stuff, but it's going to come sooner or later.

But the guy who sent the pictures is messed up. I mean, they even called him back and said if he didn't stop texting stuff to the kid, they were calling the police, and he told them to do what they must. Strange guy.

Because A Flashing Sign Looks Sooo Similar To Police Lights.

You have to be especially drunk to mistake the flashing lights on a sign for police lights. But that's what Nicole Scott did. She pulled herself over to the side of the road, getting her car stuck in a snow bank. Then when police arrived, she insisted she wasn't driving. She was alone, but she said her friend Ray had been driving but ran off. Then she named off several friends who had been driving. Too bad there was only one set of footprints near the vehicle.

I'm glad she pulled over for the sign. If she was that gone, who knows who she could have killed or injured on her journey.

I Guess Fort Wayne Doesn't Have Baals

It's sad that a fellow who apparently was a really good mayor and was well-liked will never have his name on a government building just because his name is Harry Baals. The poor sap probably was made fun of all his life, and now this.

If You're Happy And You Know It, Stab A Friend

Eek. Don't piss off Michael Preston. He might make you think he is a jovial fellow, but he might just stab you in the neck.

The story goes that Preston, who has a smiley face tattooed on his chest, was arguing with David Mason about money. They went outside and goofed around in the snow, and things didn't seem too serious. But they started arguing again when they came back in, and Preston went for a butcher knife. Another friend told him to put the knife away, and he did. But as soon as that friend left, he pulled it back out and fatally stabbed Mason.

I really don't have any other words.