Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I'd Like To Buy A Clue, Pat

Judging fromthis,it's pretty clear that they don't screen the contestants on Wheel of Fortune the same way they do on Jeopardy. If they do, then today we've learned that the aim of Wheel is clearly to give away no money.

Note for screen reader people: Click the second button in the Flash movie, or whichever one it is that has what looks like the description of the video in it.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm Tired. Let's Go To The Can

Here's one of those things I'm not sure the world really needs, not to mention one of those things that I have no idea how somebody came up with.

I just found out that a patent was issued in 2004 for aForehead support apparatus that would give us guys someplace to rest our heads while we're standing at a urinal.

Who exactly is this for? I mean even now when I'm semi-drunk and at the point where heading for a piss every few minutes is a good idea, I'm not thinking gee, I wish I could lean my head against something right now. If I want to lean anything anywhere, it's my other arm against something to steady myself, and last time I checked, that's what walls were for.

And let's say that for some reason I did want to lean my head against something. Would that really be a good idea? Anybody who knows anything about anything knows that if you mix a drunk guy and any lean-againstable surface, homeboy's falling asleep on it. Prick in your hand, sleep on your mind, piss on your leg and perhaps the leg of the guy next to you. No good, no good whatsoever.

I wish I had a witty and snappy way to end this, but I don't. I was even going to make some joke about leaning against something and thinking about it, but it was stupid and I can't make it better. I'm as dumb as this invention is. Yeah, that'll do. Jesus, I'm wrecked. Not wrecked enough to need a head holder, but still.

Merry Next Week And A Happy Week After That

I don't have a whole lot to say since Mattcovered things pretty well yesterdayand I'vesaid similar before,but I wanted to take a quick break from packing to head off for the week (absolutely) and drinking beer (as if) to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

I know it hasn't been this way for everybody, but this has been the first year in quite a few that's been almost completely free of drama or sad times for me, and I hope it was the same for more of you than it wasn't. I also hope that the same can be said for 2009 and beyond.

Anywho, best of the season to everybody, and I'll talk to you all soon. Until we meet again, I'll leave you with this:

Why do all of the other reindeer have brown noses?
Because they can't stop as quickly as Rudolph.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Matt on Christmas

Hello Friends;

Remember me? It's been a long time since I've posted. For the last two weeks I've not had two minutes to scratch my own ass - and you people who know me know this is very important to me. As for the lack of posts before that busy two week period... Well there's a very good reason for that, too. I don't like you.

So. first things first. A belated Happy Birthday to everyone's favourite dough-boy, Steve! The appearance on the outside is frightful - but the dude inside is delightful. Hope it was a good birthday, despite the ass-kicking we took from, that bitch, Mother Nature. She's putting up a good fight but I still think we're winning the war with our SUV's and factories. You can't win, bitch! We'll destroy you, yet.

The second most important birthday of the month is almost upon us, as well. Jesus'. Long time readers know my thoughts on religion but this is not a time for that. I love Christmas. I have little interest in where all the traditions stem from. I just love all the gatherings, the time with family, the countless pints of Christmas cheer and the general good mood that most people are in. It's my favourite time of year.

It's my favourite time of year for another reason. The World Juniors are on. Last night Team Canada played their first pre-tournament game against a very good Sweden team. The Canadians won 4-2 but it must be noted that Sweden did not start their starting goalie and had only been in our time zone for 2 days so it was hardly going to be their best effort. Canada will be in tough against them.

The Canadian team is a very fast and very skilled team but is not as big up front as they have been in past years. The defense is of good size with Hickey and Toulbert figuring to be the number 1 shut down pair and John Tavares leading the offensive charge up front. It's a good group but they won't push people around as they have in the past. The tournament starts for real on Boxing Day as Canada plays the Czech Republic at 7pm EST.

Every year at this time I'm annoyed by the same thing. The lack of tollerance we have for each other. Everyone preaches equality and how everyone should be able to practice their own religion - and what happens? No one can actually do it! Not Christians, Not the Jewish, no one. We get watered down bullshit like "Happy Holidays" and "Holiday Trees". If I'm a Christian store-owner (I'm not) who wants to buy time on the local tv station to say Merry Christmas to the community - I can't. I have to say Happy Holidays. Kids can no longer make their traditional Christmas decorations or write letters to Santa at school because it might offend someone. Do we really all respect each other? Or do we disrespect each other to the point that it's not okay to enjoy the season properly? I have a few Jewish friends and I have never once been offended to hear them say Happy Chanukah to me - and they have on many occasions.

Note: Apologies if I've spelled Chanukah wrong and offended an entire group of people. :)

What people fail to understand is that it's not the tree, it's not the candles, it's not a mangers scene or a big fat dude in a red costume that makes the season. It's supposed to be the good will and the time with friends and family so if someone chooses to say to you Merry Christmas or Happy Chanukah he is merely wishing you a pleasant season and is not trying to convert yout o his particular religion.

Sorry to get all preachy on you but it bothers me that people can take something so awesome and make it so political and devicive.

All that said. I don't know if I'll post again so I'll take this time to say Merry Christmas and hope that you take that to mean that you should all become Christians before New Years. :)

Have a great Holiday!

A Web Accessibility Survey Thingy

WebAIM is trying to compile an archive of how screen-reader users surf the web in hopes that they may find some common threads that might help web-designers build more accessible websites. So, they're conducting a survey. If you use a screen-reader at all and want to help, go fill it out here.

My only big beef was at the end. I clicked next and they said "Please confirm your responses." But I didn't see my responses anywhere! I had to click back to see them. I don't know if that was a glitch or a consistent problem. In any case, there's the survey. So if you want to help, you know what to do.

On a weird sidenote, apparently someone with way too much time on their hands has made a video with JAWS rapping about the Web Content Accessibility Guidelines, or WCAG, or what sounds like "wicag" in the video. And no, I don't understand the fast part. I don't understand why they build a setting that fast. I heard the video part of it was pretty cool, and someone I know is in it. She's the one reading the braille display and she has the golden retriever. At least I think she's reading the braille display. I know she's the one with the golden retriever though. Enjoy, er something. It's weird.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I Guess You Could Say He Went Out With A Bang

What the hell? It doesn't get any weirder than a guy seemingly dying from a lightning strike, and then when they go to cremate his body, it goes caboom and it turns out the guy didn't get struck by lightning, he got struck by a weather rocket containing silver iodide which was supposed to explode and break up hail. that's just weird. I guess the rocket didn't explode when it was released, and then hit the guy's house and shot him. That's just bizarre. I wonder how many other people have died that way.

I Hear A Train A Comin'...

Here's a scenario for ya. You're in acar. You make a wrong turn. You realize that oh crap, you're stuck on the tracks! What do you do? Do you get out of your car, or...do you...call 911 and ask for help? I understand the panic of getting stuck on the tracks...but get out of the car get out of the car get out of the car!

Linda Kruger-Small didn't. She called 911. they told her to get out of the car. A dude tried to help her out of the car. A train came. It hit the car. She didn't make it. What a completely avoidable tragedy!

Clap On, Clap Off, The Underwear

Wow, Seria has some freaky underwear. some will fall off on command. They are remote-controled and will fall open with a loud noise or the push of a button. Hopefully the ones triggered by loud noises can be deactivated, or that could be embarrassing.

Say A Little Prayer For Mr. Fancy Pants

Roy Pearson, owner of the $54 million pants, is finally all out of appeals. Good! He's lost his pants, his job, and further chances to make these poor people miserable. What an asshole.

Steve's Birthday, Crazed Snow Storms, Sad Christmas Songs, And Assorted Babble

Hey everybody. I just figured I'd babble for a bit and see what ends up coming out.

Ooo! Look out the window! It's a big ugly snow storm! Apparently, by the end of the weekend, we're supposed to get clobbered with 50 cm of the white crap. Even Trixie can feel it, because this morning, after she did her business, she rather forcefully dragged me back to as close to the door as humanly possible even before I had the harness on her. If she could talk, she'd say "Screw squeezing through the bushes, I see an easier way!" She wanted to get back inside in no uncertain terms, and was not happy whenI brought her out on the ice sheet, er, balcony, to groom.

It's a good thing I didn't decide to take the greyhound home tomorrow. That would have profoundly sucked. I'll probably be going home with my brother and sister early next week.

If there actually is a big guy upstairs, he has a sick sense of humour. If there's anything Steve hates, it's snow, and when does the snow come? Right on Steve's birthday! Happy birthday to him! Seriously, I hope this birthday ends up being ok. If the roads don't look like miles and miles of disaster zone covered with heaps of stupid drivers who don't know how to slow down in snow, we'll go out for dinner. But we might have to postpone it until tomorrow. It's a good thing I have all his presents already bought. Hopefully he likes them. Happy birthday Steve, you lucky bum, you're not quite 30 yet. That'll be next year.

Hey, remember last year when I wondered if I was the only one who thought "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" was a sad Christmas song? Well, it looks like I wasn't going out on as much of a llimb as I thought. Here, have a history lesson. Not only that, but it was voted as the saddest Christmas song. Hey, I also noticed that "I'll Be Home For Christmas" was sad too. But it still got soundly thumped by Merry Little Christmas. One song I want to check out is "Santa Can't Stay" by Dwight Yoakam. Plese, YouTube, come through for me. Please? Doh! I got nothin'.

My silly Trixter thinks she has a new bed. I have a fuzzy poncho blanket thingamabob. It's great. You can either wrap yourself in it or wear it like a full-body fuzzy suit. I have it next to my chair. Now Trix tries to sleep on it! Silly doggy doodles. Well, apparently she's soon going to get a new bed from one of her favourite dudes in the universe, so I'm sure that will become her new favourite place to crash.

I got those santa pictures sent off on Tuesday. They're not going to make it by Christmas, but they'll be there pretty close. I hope her raisers enjoy them.

I think I'm all outa thoughts. Ug! I just heard a pretty nasty gust of wind. I'm glad I don't have anywhere pressing to go. everybody stay safe.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Coming Soon: The Article About The Rapist From Intercourse

When you hear a story about a guy shooting his brother because he was asked by that brother to do so, it simply makes good sense that it take place in the town ofRifle.

Now that's A Good Nose!

Ok, is this woman part canine? Why else would she ask to sniff her husband's penis to determine if he had cheated on her? What kind of weirdos are these people?

Swimmin' Around The Christmas Tank

A group of Scottish researchers may have just won the most pointless experiment ever award, and if there's any justice in this world, they'll be earning some animal cruelty charges as well.

Sharks and Rays at the Loch Lomond Sea Life Centre in Balloch, Dunbartonshire will suffer immeasurable agony in the coming days and weeks as the "scientists" set about finding out whether or not they enjoy listening to Christmas music. Why is this important you ask? I don't know. Then why are they doing it? The obvious answer of course is that they have a hate on for fish, but according tothis report,the idea came from American research that found that fish were able to recognize melodies.

Chris Brown, senior marine biologist at the Loch Lomond aquarium, said seasonal chartbusters would be piped through walkthrough underwater tunnels where they can be heard by dozens of nurse sharks, black-tip reef sharks, and ray species.

Experts will then monitor the sharks' reactions to different hits.


Wait a minute...there are experts on this sort of thing?

Mr Brown said outward signs such as them lowering their fin tips, swimming faster and making sudden tight turns would indicate excitement or aggression.


He mentioned nothing about having his fucking arm bitten off, which would represent an entirely logical reaction to being trapped in an enclosed space, unable to escape the unwanted exposure to holiday favourites. Wait a minute, enclosed spaces...unwanted exposure to holiday favourites...I think I might have just figured out why people get so violent at the malls this time of year. Maybe these guys should study that instead.

He said: "We'll play everything from Kim Wilde and Mel Smith's Rocking Around the Christmas Tree and Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade to Wham's Last Christmas.

"We may find they prefer something softer like White Christmas by Bing Crosby.


We may also find they prefer hanging themselves.

"But we will be answering the question – do rays know it's Christmas?"


Hopefully we can also answer the question – has anybody ever asked that question?

Mr Brown said nurse sharks and other species of carpet shark which spend most of their time lying on the bed of the tanks, could be the best barometers for the impact of those pop tunes. Their reactions will tell the researchers whether the sharks are enjoying the music or whether it turns them off.


I'm not sure if it's poor reporting or what, but I can't be the only one who noticed no mention of what they plan to do with this information. Maybe it really is just disdain for fish.

You Think that's A Game?

I feel like a heartless bitch for wishing the Thelma Dennis treatment on Marie-Ève Dean and company, but part of me does. Her stupidity, involving thousands of calls to 911 over a fifteen-month period in which she and her brother-in-law said nothing, blocked legitimate 911 calls from getting through. I know they say she's very troubled and all that, but for some reason her case enrages me. Hopefully she can get some help, and she never calls 911 for a real reason and finds herself unable to get through because some dumbass was playing Nicky Nicky 911-door. Though that would be fine carma, I can't bring myself to wish that on even her.

Searching For Understanding

Can someone turn this into a language I can understand?

17 Dec, Wed, 20:07:44
Google:
heroin cutting agents that shiver puke


How does one shiver puke? I think this person should get off the heroin real quick. they're not making sense.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Beats Me

Is there some secret underworld purpose for egg-beaters? Why would robbers demand one at knifepoint from someone at 4 in the morning?

Somebody Bombed Bomb Training

Why, oh why, if you found a suspicious device that looked like a bomb, would you bring it *in* a building? Hopefully the police chief gets out of critical condition so he can explain it to us. the other two involved certainly won't be sharing any wisdom.

Maybe There Is A Santa After All

Wow. this story about a little girl's letter to Santa wishing for a man to stop touching her and her sister breaks my heart and makes me happy that she wrote the letter all at once. It breaks my heart because she felt she couldn't tell anyone but Santa. I'm glad someone saw the letter and got her some help.
It made me wonder what else shows up in those letters to Santa. Are there a lot of cases like this?

Hammer and Nails

Ya know, once a guy has been named Jamel Nails, I guess he's destined to hit someone with a hammer.

Back Off! Get Your Own Illness!

Last night I saw the new Maple Leaf Foods you can eat our meat again without being killed by listeriosis ad for the first time. It was pretty simple, a lot like the ones that ran right after the shit hit the fan. Company CEO Michael McCain calmly addresses us, letting us know that well, we can eat their meat again without being killed by listeriosis. He talks up the improved safety procedures that have been adopted, mentions that all of the tests meet or exceed the country's standards and how committed they are to keeping things clean, all the good stuff. He did a fine job all things considered. Or maybe I should say he almost did a good job. It would have been a good job had it not been for the very end.

"The recall is over," he says, "but this commitment is just beginning."

Just beginning? Well, that sure explains a lot about how we got here, doesn't it? Just beginning seems like an odd choice of words when you're describing how you plan on not causing any more death by snacktime. It kind of implies that before all of this went down you were operating under the rules and regulations set forth in the standards shmandards guide to corner cutting. I know what it means, but it sounds bad. If it were me, I would have gone with something like the recall is over, but our commitment never will be. But nobody asked me what I thought, so maybe I'll just go have a sandwich. I hear that's ok again.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Haven't We All Done This Once Or Twice?

My my my, what a situation this is, and I can assure you that it's all just a big misunderstanding. You see officer, I was not trying to suffocate this hooker so that I could take back the $100 I paid her. It sounds funny I know, but all that happened was I had this plastic bag full of sex toys with me. I brought it along for fun, you know, to get us both in the mood. When I was getting ready to leave, I was holding the bag and I guess it was right about her head level and well, she just kind of walked head first into it.Total accident, happens all the time.I don't much appreciate her boyfriend tuning me up over something so silly, but hey, what are ya gonna do? He probably thought he was saving her from me, as preposterous as that sounds.

What's that? Two years in prison? Awww come on!

Old Habits Really Do Die Hard

Igor Kenkis back in the news again. Yes, he is in more trouble, how did you guess?

To the 60 counts related to the bike theft ring and whatever may come of all the marijuana they found while breaking it up, we can now add3 counts of assault.

Seems he was doing what he does best and got caught, at which point he threatened the home owners with a metal pipe before being arrested. Why a guy facing that much trouble was out on bail I don't know, but he'll likely have a new home for the holidays and beyond now.

So That's Settled Then

Yesterday I finally solved a mystery that's been bugging me forever. That mystery is why they sell home pregnancy tests at the dollar store. The answer turned out to be pretty obvious. You see, these on the cheap tests actually serve a dual purpose. They turn blue to let you know you're having a baby, and then turn red to let you know you don't have the money to afford one.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Talk About A Dreamail

Let's hope I never develop the ability to zzz-mail, or send emails wile sleeping. Judging by the strange dreams I have, or the odd things I've said in my sleep, who knows what bizarre messages I'd start sending. Maybe I'd tell Steve he was a Sneak...devil...devil...sneak...
thing.


The scary thing is this woman had to walk two rooms, log in and then write the emails. I wouldn't even have to do all of that. all I'd have to do is get up and walk a few steps. Maybe I'd already be in the email program. Eek.

*Note to self* Each morning, I need to check my sent items to make sure I have no surprises in there.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Santa Paws Is Coming, To Town

Well, it's official. Trixie met the man in the red suit yesterday. what did she think of him? She wasn't sure. first, she had to jump up on a raised chair, something that weirded her out a bit, especially since I wasn't going up with her. But we got her up there and situated. then I made the mistake of asking her to look at me. She did, and then ran to me. Silly girl. We eventually got the picture snapped, with the patients of Santa and his elves. And...Voila! Here are the results. What do you think? Do you think her raisers would like this one? Apparently this is the best shot. They took ten shots, and even put them on a CD for me, but they said that shot was the best. They also said this one was pretty cool too. second-best shot Do you agree?

She never stopped amazing me all day. After the Santa photo, we went to the mall. All I had to get was the portraits of the Trixter so I could mail them to her raiser along with the Santa shot. *hopes she doesn't read the blog still, if she does I just ruined Christmas.* But we had to navigate a solid crowd of what I call Christmas zombies. All they're thinking about is "next stop...what else do I need to get...must...find...shirt." they'll bowl you over as they think about what they need to still buy. They were everywhere. There were little ones, older folks with walkers, people running every which way. I think I bumped one handbag the whole time. When people were directing me, they were saying they were having trouble manoeuvring. I wasn't having much trouble at all, and the whole time, Trixie's tail was wagging, wagging, wagging. You go girl.

I still feel bad about one thing that happened. As I stood in line, I think in the food court, I felt slight pressure on the dog's head. Without thinking, I reached out, took the hand in mine and started saying "Please don't pet..." until I noticed the hand was small, small, really really small. So I gave it a little squeeze, amazingly the little kid didn't cry, and told the little one to ask me next time. But what disturbed me more, aside from the fact that I just grabbed a toddler, was there was no sign of a parent that came forward, either to apologize for the kid or rip me limb from limb for touching their child. I would have hoped for either one, just to know that that little one wasn't lost in a sea of Christmas mall zombies. But the little guy was gone before I could get the attention of one of the zombies and ask him/her to turn on his/her brain and tell me if that kid was with someone. I still can feel that tiny hand in mine. I hope the kid's safe.

Back to my awesome dog. She just kept doing those cool things that make you want to have a guide dog. I went to the food court while I was getting one of my santa prints converted to a 5X7 and got some fries and a drink, but the silly folk who were helping me get to the table never got me a straw! So I got up, listened for the guy's voice who ran the fry booth, and we went for it. With the cane, I probably wouldn't have tried because there were too many people, tables, obstacles, and other assorted goo. Within about 30 seconds, I had my straw and was heading back to my table, which she stopped at. I love you, you awesome fuzzball you.

As we left the food court, I asked someone to set me on the right path for the photo place. We got there, and Trixie got me through that narrow space at the door between two poles and marched me straight back through the people and the clutter to the counter we'd been at before. Yeah!

Her awesomeness reached a crescendo of woo when we went to leave the mall. Someone helped me find the hall that led to the buses. she said just go straight and you'll get there. There must have been a turn, because I could feel the draft from the bus exit, and then it was gone. So I stopped and said "Trixie, outside." She wheeled me around in a 180 and booked it in her determined guide dog fashion straight for the exit. When someone said the bus came in, We went out and I said "bus!" and she found it! god damn I love this dog. She gives me that warm fuzzy feeling. She can be a handful, but she's really turned on the guide dog juice. she is incredible.

Her snow travel doesn't show signs of failing either. She knows that ice means slow down, and is really careful about climbing over icy lumps and ruts in the sidewalk.

I just had to brag about my Trixter again. Enjoy the santa photos.

No Charges Are Laid to Do With Robert Dziekanski's Death, I'm Stunned.

I can't believe that there aren't going to be any charges to do with the Robert Dziekanski tasing. I mean, I guess I can, since a lot of things seem inconclusive. But come on. did the guy need five taser shots? I know some crazy drugged up dudes don't go down, but five zaps in 30 seconds? I don't know. I'm not a cop, but this seems insane. Hopefully the inquiry can get some answers.

Who, Who, who Looks Really Stupid

Oooo! Here's another case of negotiating with a dummy. This one involved RSPCA and fire personnel trying to coax a plastic owl off a fire pole.
Firemen and RSPCA officers were left feeling like right Twit-twoo's after spending hours trying to rescue a toy owl from a telegraph pole.

A passer-by - concerned the owl had not moved in days - contacted the animal charity who, armed with a net to catch the bird, tried to coax it down.

After a couple of hours of shouting to the fake plastic owl the doppy rescue worker called in a team from Essex Fire Service.

Officers climbed the 30 ft pole in a bid to get the animal to move but as they got near local residents told them it was made of plastic.

Luckily the RSPCA and the fire service could see the funny side and had aright 'hoot'.
The owl had been placed on the pole by British Telecom to stop real birds from perching there.
So the question remains. Was the owl a really good decoy? Or are there a lot of really stupid people running around out there? I guess we'll never know without a picture of the owl.

The Internet Is For What?

apparently a lot of people who have landed on our site by searching agree with the sentiment of this video. The damn song's been stuck in my head all day. Sadly, they make you log in so you can show you're over 18 to see it.

this Needs To Happen More Often

I read this, and all I can say is heeheeheeheehee. finally, somebody actually got busted for posting one of those gang initiates are gonna shoot women on Halloween hoaxes, only he claimed people actually were getting shot, which was where the trouble started. Andrew T. Lazaro, you suck. You might not have been arrested if you didn't go the extra dumbass mile by claiming you had police sources or that you were listening to a police scanner.

maybe when he gets out of jail, he won't forward any email hoaxes. Na, that's too much to hope for.

Put the Idea of Requesting Cards for Sick Kids to Bed, It Never Does any Good.

Ok there family of Brandon Rayner who told me to get a heart. do you still agree with me, even when I give you our latest poor unfortunate soul? His name is Christopher Bedgood, and none of this is his fault or the fault of his overwhelmed family. someone else decided that Christopher Bedgood needed Christmas cards, sent the message, and got a radio station in on it. Now the poor family not only has to deal with the fact that their little guy has cancer, they're deluged with a million unwanted Christmas cards and they're begging people to stopstopstopstop.

I hope the poor little guy gets well and the family doesn't have to do something crazy like move to get away from the continuous card avalanch.

I Have A Dream, You Can't Watch It

Hmm. I don't know what to think of this new technology's possibilities. Most of me says "eek." I don't think I want my dreams shown to anyone, or I don't want the possibility that they could be. The idea of someone else watching my weird dreams is kinda amusing, but once my mind completes the leap of logic to the idea that the technology could be used to examine people's dreams for evidence against them perhaps, or the idea that not even what you dream is private, I'm not as amused.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Is He Telling Me Off Or Introducing Himself?

Congratulating a convicted sex offender for anything is something we rarely do around here, but this is a special case. So best wishes at this festive time of year go out toMr. Pheuk Kue.Enjoy your new home, sir.

Friday, December 12, 2008

More Than Ink Can Say

Yet another dim bulb hasgone and pulled a Wolfname.

This time it'sDarnell Louis Frazier of St. Paul, Minnesota,who gave a false name to police in an attempt to avoid 5 arrest warrants but was given up by the tattoo of his real last name on his neck.

Maybe this is a good time to go off on the rant I've been saving up about criminals and picking stupid aliases. If you're trying to hide something from the authorities and you decide to play the false identity card, don't pick anything that sounds remotely like your real name. Like this guy for instance. Even if he didn't have the tat, he called himself Darnell Lewis. That's stupid. I'm not sure how many of you remember the story of John List(read it here if you don't), but there's a guy who knew how to do the alias thing. He stayed on the run for nearly 20 years because he did 2 very important things. One was keep out of trouble and live as normal a life as a mass murderer can live, and the other one was pick a really good fake name. the name he chose? Robert Clark. Bob Clark, John List. Big difference. Darnell Louis Frazier, Darnell Lewis, asking for trouble. Is it really that complicated?

And while I'm here, I have to ask. How common is it to tattoo your own name on yourself, and why would you? I guess maybe if you've got a really bad memory or a fear of name tags it makes sense, but other than that, I just don't get it.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I've gotQuestions, readers Have Answers

Well, it looks like I've found all the answers to my questions about ads, thanks to someone who reads but never comments. She says the falling toonies are for Canada Savings bonds, the ad with Silent Night in it is for Pampers and a bunch of babies are sleeping. But the most disappointing one was the one where Judge Judy says "try that in heels." I guess they make her look like a cyborg and she does some Matrix-style flip or something. Waaaa. It was just animated fun, it wasn't anything actually funny. At least it didn't seem funny to me.

But now that those mysteries are forever solved, here's a commercial that baffles me for another reason. I can understand it perfectly well, but the mystery is why any company would choose to use it. It's for Time Warner Cable, and what's the big selling point? "Their bills are simple!" They don't talk about the service, a good deal, maybe some new package. Nope, their big thing is this dude standing there essentially saying "I'm too stupid to understand Verizon bills, so I went to Time Warner." He even shows a Verizon bill to some little kid and says "What's a subscriber line charge?" the kid says "I dunno," to which the man says "He doesn't know. He does my taxes!" Ok, I don't do taxes, and I think I could take a guess at what a subscriber line charge is. It sounds like it's the cost for the line! Maybe he has phone service through them. It doesn't seem that difficult.

After seeing that ad campaign, we can see why they're affiliated with AOL. I guess that's the clientelle they're aiming for. Good job, you've found it.

That's about it for now. I just figured I'd put up the answers to the questions I asked before I forgot what they were.

That's The Best He Could Come Up With? *Clang*, Guilty!

Here's another one for the stupidest lines of reasoning used to try and explain away sexual abuse files. first, we had the guy who said his poor eyesight caused him to touch the wrong girl, and now we have a guy who said the only reason he touched his girlfriend's developmentally delayed son was they don't teach masturbation at school, so he's gotta learn it somewhere. Yeah, uh-huh, ok. good luck with that.

I Like chinese...

this is why I will never, ever, ever, try to learn to speak any Chinese dialect. I would probably try to say hello, and I'd say the Chinese equivalent of "Fuck you."

No Room at the Pub?

This is funny, but in the hideously bad sort of way. Jesus turned water into Stella, you say? I'll have to remember that the next time Steve orders a Stella...or maybe the next time he just has water.

Do You Hear The Thunder? No, I can't Hear Anything!

I can't believe that it would be possible to kiss someone so hard that you ruptured their eardrum, but I guess it can happen. that would...um...suck, I guess.

Put Down The Christmas Presents and Come Out with Your Hands Up!

Ok, this is just embarrassingly stupid. I take back all laughter about negotiating with a cardboard man. At least I understand why they did that, even though it turned into a barrel of laughs.

This one is just wow. I can sorta, kinda, connect the dots, but I think they go in a path that doesn't make the most sense. A police officer went through a bunch of hard times recently, and decided to give a load of toys and clothes to kids in a housing project that she patrols. But some police were worried that this was a sign that all the stress of breast cancer diagnoses and heart troubles might have made her go off balance. Ok, it's weird, but ok. People who kill themselves sometimes give stuff away and get extra generous. Ok, I get it, sorta, maybe. But they didn't just call a meeting, or talk to her at work, or something. Nope. they sent the Family Assistance Unit, and because she didn't answer the door when they knocked, maybe because she might have been, uh, not home, they surrounded the place in an armed standoff, turning her street into a public spectacle.

Um, has this police department had a lot of suicides on staff? I understand being proactive and not waiting around, but isn't this a little over the top? The poor lady. Now I hope she's ok.

I Stabbed The Gangster, But I Swear It Was In Self-Defense

How the hell is stabbing someone 39 times considered self-defense by any stretch of the imagination? Just read this and see if it is.
In a rambling and profane interview, he said he kept stabbing Chalifoux because he wouldn't die.

"I told him just hurry up and die already ... So I keep stabbin' him and stabbin' and stabbin' him and stabbin' him and stabbin' him, trying to slash his throat to get a jugular vein," Falle told police.

"He wouldn't bleed properly the way he should've bled, according to the movies."

He told police that Chalifoux was begging for his life, but Falle said he could not let him go because he feared his fellow gang members were in the hallway ready to attack.

After the killing, Falle tried to borrow a smoke and leaned out the window to ask his neighbour to order him a pizza.
Yeah, because he was so scared for his life that he needed some pepperoni and cheese right now.

But it was deemed self-defense. Ok, who's sleeping with the judge or jury foreman or something? Or, I hate to say this, but is Chalifoux black and is Falle white and it's one of those screwy racist cases? There has to be an explanation for this somewhere, because right now, it doesn't make sense.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Another Moment of ZENN

Remember how I mentioned the ZENN in Vancouver? Well, they're close to being approved in Ontario. I wish it said anything in the article about how the public could have input into these safety standards. Maybe I'll have to figure out if that's possible. If I find anything out, it's going up here.

Back That Thing Up. Ok...Keep Going...Keep Going..Just A Little More...You're Almost Out Of Earshot Now...

I was all set to write one of those song reviews that people tell me they really like all about the pure sucktitude ofJustin Moore's Back That Thing Up,but when I listened to it again, something dawned on me. This song is actually so stupid that no matter what I say, nothing could illustrate the point better than you simply listening to it for yourself.

However, I would like you to consider one thing as you do. No, not the horrible sexual lyrics thatThird Eye Blind's songwriter's3-toothed redneck cousin took 10 minutes to knock together though they are a pretty big part of the wall of suck technique being employed by producer Phil Sphincter here. No. What I want you to realize is that the song to which you are currently being subjected, according to this man's fans, isgood enough to be the first single on an album full of tracks that the public gets to vote on.Yeah, I know, and I'm being afraid, very afraid as you read this. Normally I'd say that it has to be all downhill from here, but with a fine start like this I'm not sure how such a thing could be possible. I'm not saying I need to hear more, but I refuse to believe that this contest could be anything other than a gigantic 10-way tie.

Shut Up And Listen, Would Ya?

It's sad that some people don't understand what it is to have an open dialog, and they'd rather have a monolog and call it dialog.

there was a rally downtown showing support for the idea of a coalition government. It was endorsed by some of our city councilors. The people running the rally were being very reasonable. there was a guy at the mic talking about why it deserves a chance, and they had pamphlets. what he was saying sounded kind of like Steve's post from Thursday. the way it was going to work was first the organizers were going to talk, and then they were going to open up discussion. In the middle of his opening speech, a dude started screaming from the floor. "they're just trying to break up Canada!" The guy heard him and acknowledged that a lot of people are afraid of that, but he explained about how the Bloc wouldn't have any cabinet spots, etc. and before he was done, the guy yelled the same thing.

Look, dude, coming down to a political rally and yelling the same sentence over and over isn't intelligent dialog. In fact, you're likely to get tuned out. If you're not going to listen to the other side, then just go home. You're not needed. If you were actually going to wait for your turn and have a real discussion, it would have been fine. But this bullshit was totally senseless.

Even if that guy was a wacko, it made me wonder if he was more representative of everyone's reactions to all this governmental chaos, or anything that gets people worked up. Most people would at least make it appear like they were listening, but are they really? Or are they just waiting for a chance to talk again?

Special Delivery From Weird Dreamville

I'm really on a hot streak of weird dreams lately. Here's another one.

At first, it just started out pretty normally. We were at home doing usual stuff, when something came through our mail slot. We went over to see what it was, and it was a baby! Now, our mail slot is pretty small. I can't imagine a baby going through it. but this is dreamland, so there it was. It was crying and squirming, and we were trying to figure out why we got a baby in our mail slot!

We picked it up and were rocking it and deciding what to do next. We wondered, in the twisted world of dream logic, if our neighbour had had her baby, and for some reason dropped it off at our place. Uh-huh.

Somehow the baby ended up on the floor, and then it started walking around! But it walked on its hands and feet. Not it's hands and knees, but on its hands and feet. I had Trixie circling me from one side, and the baby going around the other way.

then it dawned on me that this couldn't have been my neighbour's baby because she wasn't even close to due yet! As I was trying to figure out what to do, I woke up.

What kind of freaky weird dream is that? Babies coming through the mail slot who start walking? Ok then. Now I'm not abandoning stuff, other people are. What's up with that?

Monday, December 08, 2008

Russian Hands And Roman Fingers

Let's say that these parents are right andyoung snowflake hereisn't a sex offender in training. They aren't, but like I said, let's pretend.

In their world, grabbing a couple girls' asses and boobs, unhooking the bra of another, licking yet another's neck and tickling one more on the stomach all without their permission aren't serious things. Even if that's true and all it is is "numskull friendliness" and like I said that's a pretty big if, I must respectfully take issue with mommy dearest.

"A 12-year-old boy does not do these things to sexually gratify himself," she said.

For somebody who's raised a 12-year-old boy, you sure don't know much about 12-year-old boys, do you? And good on you for having him do his own laundry. I figure that's a pretty safe assumption because if you did it, believe me, you'd know from gratification. Having known a lot of 12-year-old boys and having been one myself for a year or so, I feel pretty confident saying that for most of us, that's right around the time we started trying to get a handle on the concept if you will.

but again, even if you honestly believe that 12-year-olds don't do such things, you're still not explaining the stuff he's done since. He's 14 now, and you don't have to be head greeter down at the Wal-Mart to know that you're smack dab in the middle of prime hormone season here.

There's a fine line between flirting and being the creepy guy with rope and handcuffs in the trunk of your car. if I were you, I'd be careful with this kid, real careful. He needs to learn boundaries, and quick. If he doesn't, that registry you're trying to keep him off of now is going to be his home soon enough when something a lot more serious happens, and nobody wants that.

Aww But Ya Said!...

Note to Honesty Knight: When the nice officer tells you it's ok to smoke during your traffic stop,he's not talking about pot.Got it?

The Only Garbage Here Is Handing Out Fines

This is the start of the post, which means it's the part where I say something about not wanting to pick on the UK so much but I have to because they leave me no choice.

With that out of the way, we move on to the part where I explain the latest beyond ridiculous half wit council decision.

Lazaris Michael, 76, was handed a £60 fine for littering after dropping a cigarette on the street. Good on the wardens for getting tough on polluters, you might say. Just one problem. The smoke wasknocked out of his hand when he got caught up in the middle of a scuffle between police and a couple of shoplifters they were chasing.

"This was utterly embarrassing," Michael said of the incident. "Before I had a chance to pick it up, the warden asked me to come with him. He gave me the fine and didn't give me a chance to explain. What was worse is that people then looked at me thinking I was something to do with the shoplifting."

Now we come to the how do these people sleep at night and live with themselves during the day portion.

Michael said that he asked the council to scrap the fine, but instead of doing the right thing, they actually threatened to increase it to £80. Oh, and they're also very happy about a job well done.

Thanet council in Kent said it was happy with the way the incident in Margate had been dealt with.

'We take a zero tolerance approach to anyone who drops litter, including cigarette butts and chewing gum,' it said.

'No excuses will be accepted.'


Pricks.

Friday, December 05, 2008

What Could Possibly Go Wro...Grandpa? Grandpa? Uh-oh

Call me crazy, but I'm not sure that people who "may have dexterity limitations or difficulty sighting and controlling a traditional revolver or semi-automatic pistol" are the ones I'd begiving prescription firearms to.I wouldn't be giving prescription firearms to anybody, but you know what I mean.

The Palm Pistol is the world's first ergonomic firearm, according to Constitution Arms.

The single-shot 9mm weapon is grasped in the palm of the hand, with the barrel pointing out between the fingers.

Instead of pulling a trigger to fire the gun, users press their thumb on a button at the top.

"Point and shoot couldn't be easier," the New Jersey-based company claims on its website.


If anybody needs me, I'll be diving for cover in the bushes behind the old folks home.

Today's Worst Legal Argument Ever

This one's good.

James Pischel, 31, had been sent to prison for arranging a meeting with what he thought was a 15-year-old girl, a girl that actually turned out to be officer Ed Sexton of the Lincoln, Nebraska police. Yes, they've got a guy with sex in his name handling luring cases, I did notice that.

Anyway, for reasons I'm not entirely up on, Pischel's case has found its way to the Nebraska State Supreme Court. During arguments recently, Pischel's attorney Matt Graff put forwardthe following defense:

His attorney, Matt Graff of the Lancaster County Public Defender’s Office, argued the investigator played on Pischel’s emotions and continued to chat with him after Pischel said no thanks — she was too young — two months earlier.

When Pischel said he wouldn’t meet, the investigator sent an angry face emoticon. When Pischel tried to end the chat without contacting the “girl” again, the investigator blew him a “kiss.”

Chief Justice Michael Heavican asked how specifically someone can “blow a kiss” online.

Graff said it was done by typing certain keys that create a picture, similar to a smiley face made by a colon and a parenthesis. In this case, he argued, it added up to government inducement — by case law, opportunity plus “something else.”

“At first blush, it seems kind of silly to say the opportunity plus something else is an angry emoticon, an angry face. But that’s really what it is,” Graff said.

He argued Pischel should have a new trial because the jury wasn’t allowed to be given an instruction on the entrapment defense.


Perhaps if Pischel had been given some instruction on the block button or the escape key, he wouldn't be paying a lawyer to stand in front of the highest court in the land and spew this garbage with a straight face. It's even worse because he had already admitted during the trial that not only did he start the conversation, but he also kept it going, made sexual advances towards the girl and gone to a park to meet up with her. Nobody, and I mean nobody, does something like that just because a little kid on a computer told him to. I therefore submit, Mr. Graff, that the reason the jury wasn't allowed to consider the entrapment defense is simply because it's completely ludicrous and would hold water about as well as the babies your client seems to like hitting on over the internet.

Hmmm. Are Printers Supposed To Hiss?

Maybe I'm just a big wimp, but I think if I found a metre-long snake in my printer, I wouldn't be too calm about it. I wouldn't just think "Oh, he's in here somewhere. Stuff falls over from time to time." That snake is going to need to eat, and if it doesn't get out soon, it may think parts of people who live in the house are tasty. Get the damn snake out!

Where Values Aren't King

I definitely agree that this is insulting to something, but I'm not sure if it's more insulting to our intelligence as a people or to the folks rooked into being part of some stupid commercial. I'd consider boycotting Burger King over this, but I already don't eat there because almost every time I get stuck doing so I get poisoned no matter what I order.

Burger King under fire for Whopper Virgins taste test challenge

Burger King is under fire for a new advertising campaign featuring "burger virgins", impoverished villagers in remote parts of the world, taking part in Whopper versus Big Mac taste tests.

In teaser adverts promoting its "Whopper Virgins" challenge, the fast food chain describes how it sought out farmers in rural Romania, Thai villagers and residents of Greenland's icy tundra to compare its signature burger with arch rival McDonalds'.

"What happens if you take Transylvanian farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare Whopper versus Big Mac in the world's purest taste test?" one of the adverts asks. "Will they prefer the Whopper? These are the Whopper Virgins."

The "undeniable" results of the chain's "unbiased" global research – which involved "13 planes, two dog sleds and one helicopter" – will be unveiled in a documentary next week, according to whoppervirgins.com, the website promoting the campaign.

"If you want a real opinion about a burger, ask someone who doesn't even have a word for burger," states the site to a haunting theme of drums and pan pipes. "Watch the whopper virgins take their first bite."

MMMMM...Dirty Coins!

Even if Anthrax didn't exist or wasn't all over the news for the better part of the last 7 years,thiswould still be a poor idea.

A luckily for her unidentified employee at the Cyprus Credit Union in Sandy, Utah was given some coins covered in white powder by a customer. Not knowing what it was and being the avid follower of current affairs that she clearly is, she did the only responsible thing. Lick them. Yes, I said lick them. Because clearly when presented by strangers with things that aren't meant to be eaten, our first course of action should be to promptly give them a tongue bath.

Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately depending on your perspective, it turned out that the coins in question had been stored in a jar that had once contained laxatives and that this rather than something more harmful was the source of the contamination.

If there's one positive here it's that she may have ingested enough of the medication to cause the nickname shit for brains not to apply anymore.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Like Father, Like Son...Sort Of!

Gees! Five-year-old Jack Burt and father Sam are a tough pair. The little guy hit the school bus driver in the head with an apple core and got kicked off the bus. So, the dad said he had to walk the 13-kilometer trek to school. Father and son walked it together, all two hours of it. After five days, jack got back on the bus, and got kicked off within three stops for fighting with his sister. Papa said ok, we're gonna keep walking to school, now both of you walk with me. the little guy says he kinda likes walking because it makes him stronger for fighting, so dear old dad says if he starts fighting, he'll have to walk home too, but don't worry, if he gets home after dark, they'll leave the key out for him. I doubt he'd do that, but that'll scare the little guy. the question is will it scare him enough?

Don't Try That With The Guards At Juvenile Hall

James Patric Fitzgerald, meet Joseph Cora. You both need serious help. You don't hold your own mother at knifepoint, spray her in the face with mr. Clean, and then hit her in the kne she just had surgery on because she said your friend couldn't come over and that you should do your homework. God, what is this world coming to?

She Talks Trixie Talk

Trixie speaks
Hey everybody. It's been a while. did ya miss me? Of course you did! Everybody loves me and misses me and wants to pet me and...oh yeah, I can't get a pet. I'm working right now.

So the c-c-c-c-cold is coming back. But somehow, this year, it doesn't seem so scary and confusing. for one thing, not as much white stuff has come down. sometimes it fades away again. It's nice to see the grass underneath again. That way, I know it'll be back. Last year, I thought I'd moved to another place, a place with the same buildings as before but this was the new ground! Yuck! Now I know better. Plus, Carin isn't ramming those god-awful shoes on my feet. she's gone straight to the goo. It's good stuff, that goo. I remember what to do. I slow down for ice, but sometimes I dont' see it when it looks just like the road. but if she tells me to slow down, I figure there's probably a good reason and she's not just trying to stop my fun. I don't want her to fall! She fell once this year, and that was enough! Oh yeah, and I know which mounds of snow to climb over and which ones are not for climbing. I don't have to sniff that white snow stuff. Snow shmow. It's nothing new. I mean I'll sniff it when we're playing, but not when we're working.

I've also noticed that I don't get as cold yet. We haven't had to break out the fur for my fur yet. Last year, I was a wimp dog. It would get sort of cool and I'd shake shake shake! I was such a sissy! Not this year. I have more fur!

I've noticed I've gotten even more praise these days than ever before. that makes me want to work even better. We mastered a hard route the other day because I'm just that good. I mean, she knows where she's going, but sometimes she doesn't know exactly where to turn. that's where I come in. There's this place where we pick up little wrapped boxes...parcels. She says they're presents for people, but not for me. Ok, I'll have to sniff them when we get home. I like to sniff mail. Anyway, we always go to the same place, so once I figure it out, I just take her there! I've been called all kinds of things by people who were watching us. Let's see, there was wonderful, and fantastic, and super, and that word I already know. genius. Carin smiles whenever they say one of those words, so I know they're good things. Plus she gives me treats and lots of love. I'd work all day for that.

there are certain words people call me all the time. Let's see. I've been called beautiful, and pretty, and gorgeous, and the other day I got called handsome. Hmmm. that's a new one. I'm handsome? I guess it's a good thing.

I'm glad we're not getting on big buses and in cars and in flying car bus things so much now. We did take one more trip, but it was back to the house with the cat in it. I can handle that. I know the house with the cat in it is one of ours. Carin said she wanted to come home because her...dad? Yeah. He had something happen to him. something happend with his hip. I think that was it. I know hips are important, they checked mine when I was a puppy. they were all about making sure I had good hips. She said something about he needed to have his hip replaced. How do you replace a hip, if hips are for humans what they are for dogs? I don't get it. but maybe I just don't understand Human as well as I thought I did. but we had to come home and see him, that's all I knew.

That silly cat. She got so afraid of me that she ran outside and stayed there, under the deck, through the rain, for a whole day. They called her and called her and called her and she wouldn't come back in. Now that's a sissy. they call me scared. that's scared. I don't even chase the cat, and that scaredy cat will run from me like I'm out to get her. Oh well, it means more pets for me while she's hiding out there. Can I meet one cat that loves me? Can I? Please?

Something was up with the big guy human who lives at the house with the cat. She calls him dad. Yeah I guess we were coming home to see him. Ok. When we came home, he was standing at the top of the stairs holding onto stick-like things and leaning on them when he wanted to walk, or sometimes he walked with this thing with wheels that had a seat he could stop and sit on. I just knew I should walk slowly around him and not trip him. Carin thought I was so smart to do that. Well I don't want him to fall on me do I? Plus, I'd heard all this talk the week before about how she didn't want her dad to trip over me, so she might have to keep me on a leash. Keep *me* on a leash? Now I'm offended! I'm too good a dog to be kept on a leash in a house I know and I'm good in! so I knew I had to be good good good. so I was.

Carin keeps saying she's going to get my picture taken with this Santa person. she's been all into having my picture taken lately. We went into this room with boxes to sit on and chairs and lights and coloured walls that could move. I just had to sit there beside her in my harness and look at this human who was holding my treat bag. Well, was I going to look anywhere else? She was holding the good stuff! then, there was a flash! Then Carin took my harness off and got down on the floor with me, and there was another flash! It reminded me of the time we were in that room and that guy had all the squeaky toys and then there'd be a flash and then she got this card and you could see our faces on it the way they looked on that day.

So now she says she wants my picture taken with Santa. who's Santa? I don't know who Santa is. why is he so special that he gets a picture taken with me? She says something about sending the pictures to the one in California who took care of me when I was a really little puppy. Ooo! I get to send her mail. I still love that bed she sent me back a while ago. But I don't think she can smell me like I smell her. Humans just don't know how to use their noses. Oh well, they don't know what they're missing.

I think that's about all the news I've got. Maybe I'll have more in a little while. If my doggy clock is correct, which it is most of the time, we might be going home to that house with the cat in a while and we'll all sit by that thing that doesn't smel like a tree but looks like one and they'll take papers off stuff and I'll have to lie still even though I want to chew up all the paper on the floor. Then maybe I'll have more stories. Life is never dull.

Failed Advertising

I've got a bunch of things that make me go "What the hell?" when I see them on the TV, so I thought maybe if I wrote them up here, somebody could explain them. either that, or everyone will be just as baffled as I am. they're all TV commercials.

Ok, in the first one, all I hear is a Toonie dropping, and then the words "a message from the government of Canada." What's up with that? Why is the government throwing Toonies around? Shouldn't they be holding on to every one they can get? I'm sure there's a message, but it eludes me. I'd look the thing up on YouTube and link to it, but I don't know what I'm looking for. All I hear is, clang, "A message from the government of Canada." Clang. "A message from the government of Canada."

Here's another one that's come out around Christmas for a couple of years. It's just a girl singing Silent Night. What's this about?

I've noticed a trend in commercials where they're so confusing that nobody has an earthly clue what they're about. I'm not even talking about the ones that confuse us because there's nothing to audibly indicate what the hell product they're advertising. Sometimes the commercial is like a mini-movie and there's so much going on that even sighted folk wonder what the hell the point is. Somebody failed out of advertising school.

But these next two were the two commercials that made me right this post. There's a commercial that shows up when Judge Judy is on. It says something like "Judge Judy sees what other judges don't. Still think she's like other judges?" Then there's a pause and she says "Try that in heels!" What the hell happens there? Woohoo, I can give you a link to this one. You have to fast-forward past a bunch of stuff, but when you get to the commercial break, there it is! I'm dead curious.

And this commercial scares me just because it has such, um, fine specimens in it. It's for some stupid invention called the gas gripper. Ok, the premise is either you don't want to touch the gas nozzle because it's germy, or you have arthritic hands and it hurts to hold the handle down, so this thing will hold the nozzle, and somehow stop when your tank is full. that part I don't get. But anyway, the people singing this thing's praises are, well, pieces of work.
  1. Does the first woman really say, "My sister could really use the Gas Gripper. She has Sclera Derma and her hands are all disformed and amputated and fingers. She could really use this all the time." What the fuck does that even mean? And it sounds like she's reading that passage! She wrote that out and thought that was good!
  2. Why does the one woman need to tend to her kids while it pumps her gas? What kind of demon children does she have?
  3. How the hell is that other woman getting gas on her clothes, and her hands, and stinking up the place forever? I've never heard anyone pump their gas and go "Ug! I smell like gas! I always get it all over my hands!"


all the people in that commercial sound really dopy. I think they've been sniffing gas instead of pumping it.

And that's all the mysteries I can think of. Hope you at least had fun.

Trying To Make Sense Out Of Canadian Politics

Since everybody else is doing it, I might as well throw my voice into the current Canadian political discussion. I wasn't going to bother, but because so much of what I'm hearing is so wrong, I don't feel like I can hold out anymore. Let's look at a few of the key points that keep coming up and see if we can make a little sense out of them.

1. All of these opposition parties trying to form a coalition government flies in the face of the democratic process.

How? The right to do that is written into the rules of government. If there is not sufficient confidence in the current ruling party and it falls in a parliamentary vote, either an election is called or the other parties in the House are given the chance to govern. Sounds to me like everybody's following the rules. What we're seeing is not a coup, it's the usage of long established though rarely used procedure.

2. it goes against the will of the Canadian people who elected a Conservative government.

Yes, that overwhelming majori...wait, there is no majority. Yes Harper won the most seats, but not enough to prevent something like this from happening. He could have prevented it from happening if he had chosen to follow his own advice and worked with other parties like he said he wanted to do a few short weeks ago at the conclusion of our 24th election in the last year and a half, but he didn't. Right out of the gate he did what he's always tried to do, govern like his party had won every seat. It's worked before, but even the most spineless opposition has its breaking point. And if there's going to be a breaking point, cutting their public funding in an attempt to bankrupt every party that isn't you and spinning it like it's a gigantic cash savings for the taxpayer while also talking it up as a boost to the economy is a good way to figure out what it is. That doesn't even take into account plans to take away the right to strike from federal employees or limit the ability of women to fight for pay equity. And that's just the recent stuff! Harper reminds me a lot of that kid we all grew up with who liked to poke that one neighbourhood dog with a stick. He would do it and do it and laugh and laugh and it would be happy and great...and then he has the nerve to be shocked and sad and surprised when after one too many pokes,the dog finally jumps up and attacks him.

3. Harper deserves a chance to govern.

The last 3 years called. They wanted to let you know you didn't dream them.

4. Stéphane Dion is not the person who should be leading government. He was soundly rejected by the people when he ran in the last election.

This I actually agree with. I don't care how smart he is or what his academic credentials are, he just doesn't have it as a leader. he doesn't connect with people, and that includes a lot of the ones who would generally be Liberal supporters. The language issue has a lot to do with that. He can't get his message out effectively to English Canada, and that hurts him. That's one of the reasons why I voted NDP. I don't think he should be staying on to lead the new coalition. that job should fall to jack Layton at least until the Liberals get their leadership situation sorted out.

5. The Liberals and NDP forming a government involving the Bloc Québécois is treason! Nobody should ever seek the support of the separatists! All they want to do is destroy Canada!

If that's the case, then everybody's guilty, even the Conservatives. Even if we leave out the fact that Harper tried to do pretty much exactly what's being done to him now to the Liberals back in 2004, we're still left with the fact that like it or not, the Bloc exists and especially in minority situations, everybody has to work with them. The Cons have to keep them happy enough to keep the government alive, and everybody else has to lobby for their support in the hopes that they can vote that same government down. I look at the Bloc kind of like herpes. They're not going away, but they can, and should, be managed. Whether you want them or not, they're part of your life. Besides, it doesn't look like they'll be getting any cabinet positions. They'll just be playing a support role. And I'd like to think that they along with the Liberals and the NDP would be smart enough not to push too much of an extreme agenda. None of our current political parties are in a position where that would be a good idea.

6. We should have another election so that the Canadian people can be heard.

Also, I presume, so that even less people can vote and we can wind up right back where we are. Another election would solve nothing. All it would do is cost money, and fights over money are kind of how we got to this point in case you haven't noticed.

I'm not sure how things will ultimately shake out. A lot can change in politics pretty quickly. But whatever happens, I'm not going to get too worked up over it just yet. I'd love to see Harper gone, because he deserves it. but I'd also like to see his replacement be somebody who is a good leader and who can be trusted to take the country in a good direction. I'm not sure that person exists in any of the other parties, but only time will tell. for now, I'm willing to wait and see.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

That'th Jutht Great, The Polithe Are Here. Thith Ith Going To Be Thuch A Meth

I understand exactly0% of the logic at play here.I also think somebody's not being totally honest about his usage.

A man removed his clothes in front of several children to "prove to his girlfriend that he wasn't going to use methamphetamine anymore," investigators wrote in charges filed Monday.

The man, 26, was wearing only shorts near 6400 South and Meadowcrest Road on Nov. 3, police wrote. He took the shorts off, threw them on the ground and ran naked into a house, deputies wrote. Several children were in the vicinity, deputies wrote.

He later told officers the gesture was meant for his girlfriend.


You know what this article is missing? Somebody saying deputies wrote a few more times. I'm not seeing nearly enough of that.

You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Part Of Your Name

Port St. Lucie woman says ex-boyfriend rides up on bike, snatches wig

I'm drawn to this story not because of what happened, but because of this part right here:

Investigators found the victim's hair in "disorder.” She said she and the alleged wig-snatcher lived together for eight months. She knew his first name, but apparently only recalled the first letter of his last name.


What a relationship this must have been.

"Hi there, it's really nice to meet you. I'm Steve, and this is my girlfriend Carin...um...something...what is it...I'm sure it'll come to me...give me a minute...A B C D E F G..."

You'd think at some point the matter of the last name might have come up in conversation, but perhaps not. and perhaps the guy was on to something.

The ex-boyfriend called the victim's cell phone while an officer was there. Speaking to an officer via the cell phone, he admitted pulling the wig off and leaving when the victim started crying and said she was calling authorities.

The ex-boyfriend hung up after police asked for his last name. Investigators continue to try to identify the alleged wig-puller.


Curses! Foiled again!

Duherama

Carleton student council reinstates cystic fibrosis fundraiser

I'm glad things turned out well in the end, but I still don't think it's good enough. Only 2 of these goofs resigned from the council. Donnie Northrup, the one who put the motion forward to begin with, and some other crybaby named Sean Maguire who is now all broken up because his idiocy helped ruin the reputation of his university. As Carin used to say, "poor muffin." Maybe that'll teach you to think before you shoot off at the mouth with the shit from what passes for your brain, ya stupid imbecile. Every single one of these fools should either quit of their own free will or be removed by force. Obviously they can't be trusted to make sound decisions that are in the best interests of the university.

Speaking of fools and imbeciles, I need to touch briefly on the fine citizens who thought it would be just swell to send death threats to the people involved in this. I see this all the time, and it never fails to make me angry. If you're upset about somebody's decision, responding in an equally foolish manner or one that makes you look even worse than the target of your outrage is not a good way to make your point. I'm gonna cap yo ass mutha fucka doesn't go nearly as far as at least taking a crack at constructing a sensible opinion on the issue at hand. That might sound funny coming from a guy who's just spent 2 paragraphs on name calling, butI've already made it very clear what I think of all thisso I think I can say what I want.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

He's Down, But Support Says It's A Problem On My End, Not His

Ted Rogers, CEO of Rogers Communications, hasdiedat the age of 75. Services will be held any time Monday to Saturday between the hours of 8 A.M. and 5 P.M., so if you could wait around that would be great.

Now That It's December, How About A Little Christmas Music

This, without question, is the best Christmas song I've heard in many, many years.

Tiny Tim - Santa Claus Has Got The Aids

Flaming Weird

Ug. In the case of a poor old man's incontinence pants becoming flaming incontinence pants, having their inner liner being described as molten globules never brings good images to the mind. But this reporter seemed very fond of using those two words frequently.

What's really weird is why was this dude in a wheelchair just sitting around with a pack of Hula Hoops on his lap and then dropping lit cigarettes on them? What's with weird stories and Hula Hoops? This one definitely belongs in the you couldn't make this up if you tried files.

Somebody's Suffering From Inhalation Of Bullshit

I have no words forthis.Is there any real science to support or debunk the idea?

Last month, at Killorglin District Court in Kerry, two separate drink-driving cases were dismissed after the presiding judge ruled that the steam of the defendants' urine could have affected their alcohol readings taken during subsequent breath testing.

They were not the first cases where Judge O'Connor has agreed with defence submissions that inhalation of urine fumes could have skewed breath-test results and cases should be dismissed. The law requires that a person suspected of drink driving must be observed by a garda for 20 minutes at a garda station before their breath sample is taken.

During that 20-minute period they must not consume anything by mouth.

In both cases, the solicitor, Mr O'Connell, argued that during this 20-minute period both his clients had used a toilet to urinate. Because the two men urinated with their backs to the prosecuting garda, the 20-minute observation period had been interrupted. The solicitor argued that a new 20-minute observation period should have begun when his clients returned from the toilet and that the cases should be dismissed.

Judge O'Connor agreed. He stated that the purpose of the 20-minute observation period is to ensure nothing is taken by mouth that may affect the reading from the breath test.

"Nil by mouth is the same as nil by nose," Judge O'Connor declared. "When he is urinating, he is inhaling vapourised alcohol and there's always steam off it."

More Proof That Our Maker Hates Us

Paris Hilton has finished work on her second album. “I wrote all the songs myself,” Hilton said of the album, which is still in need of a label.


As long as it has askull and crossboneson it, she can label it however she wants.

Hereis some evidence to show that I'm not just being a prick. Warning: Audio is NSFATCH, not safe for anybody that can hear.

Come On, Let's Play A Game! The Winner Gets A Pint And A Toy

You are faced with the growing problem of drunks causing trouble in your town. Your solution is to station police outside of bars on Saturday nights to hand out those little brightly coloured bubble blowing pens like we all used to play with when we were kids. Based on this information, you are:
A. Developmentally delayed.
B. Employed by/contracted to provide services to a branch of government.
or
C. A brainstormer in the UK.

If you said all of the above, not only are you unable to follow instructions, but you are also correct.

Forget zero tolerance: Blowing bubbles is the latest 'bonkers' initiative to tackle binge-drinking

Settle Down there, Fella!

Here's one for the what the fuck department, although it's not quite as insane as the other ones I've posted. That's saying something, considering the story. But it's still pretty weird.

Apparently, Marco fella has an addiction to sugar, and eats 10 Mars bars a day. If he can't get his 10 Mars bars, he gets mad. Then his girlfriend didn't wear a thong like he wanted her to, so he bit her. Less than 10 days before, he'd gotten mad and hit her in the face with a rope used as a dog toy.

Ok then. Get some help, dude. If not, you'll probably do something that definitely fits into the what the hell did I just read files.

10 Reasons To Be Antisocial

While I wouldn't necessarily call myself antisocial, I'm definitely a person who treasures his alone time. Not everybody who knows me knows that, and even some of the ones who do don't really seem to understand why or respect it. Maybe that's why I find thispieceso interesting. I don't agree with everything here and some of it doesn't apply to me at all, but a couple of these stuck out bigtime as I read them, so I thought I'd share in the hopes that it might help people I know figure me out and understand things a bit better. It ain't gonna work, but it's interesting and it's content so I'm sharing anyhow.

3. You gain insight
You cannot ever be rid of people entirely. I know this, I have tried. Hell, even Howard Hughes, the modern prophet of anti-socialism still had to deal with his lawyers. People, however, will be reduced to bite-sized chunks. You will be able to analyze them as you take your breaks from analyzing more important things. Spend enough time thinking about enough data and you come to some pretty interesting conclusions. The fact is that most people reveal far more than is immediately obvious in the course of a casual conversation, you just have to put it under a microscope, which means it needs isolated, and you
need private time look at it.


8. You don’t miss out on a whole lot
Most people have little to offer aside from the psychological comfort of being around another human being. They are not fun or interesting to anybody, least of all for the people who settle for them. In all but a few instances you could lose a relationship and feel very little, but even when you do, it’s pretty much always survivable. You lose that comfort from being around a particular person, but that’s more about adjusting to change than anything else. The point is that people are not all that important, not all that interesting, not all that fun, not all that essential. You would be making a better use of your time doing a crossword puzzle or learning a few words in a foreign language than hanging out with them.


This is absolutely true. if given the choice between having a lot of people in my circle or having a few good friends, I'll take the few good friends every time. I'd rather have a couple of people I can have fun with than 27 people and their stupid drama and pointless conversation. I know folks who measure their happiness or status at least in part based on how many people they know. Funny enough, none of them are really all that happy. Reason 3 helped me figure that out long ago.

10. It helps you deal with loneliness
The most sociable, chatty, clingy, blowhards out there, the ones who try to spend as little time alone as possible, for them being alone is the same thing as being lonely. For the antisocial loneliness is very different from the sensation of being alone, they are two distinctly separate feelings. The anti-social can feel loneliness, but it’s rare. You treasure the moments with no distractions, no background movement, no responsibilities beyond what you have in front of you. That is largely, I suspect, a learned reaction to being alone a lot, but it’s good since everybody has to be alone at some point and it’s best to see it as a gift rather than a burden.


In my case at least, whoever wrote this suspects wrong. I've always had people around me. I've never considered myself starved for company. I can generally pick up the phone and call somebody for a chat or find somebody to have a beer with without a lot of effort. For me, the reason loneliness and alone time aren't the same is simple. Thoughts. Basically, I have enough of them to get me through life. I find myself interesting enough to hang out with. We can read, we can write, we can learn, we can listen to music or a talk show, we can just sit in the quiet and ponder things. I'm not saying this to sound selfish, but I'm one of my favourite people to be around. Sometimes I argue with me, but for the most part we get along just fine. We're never bored, and we don't have to rely on our friends to entertain us. We sometimes wish we weren't so relied on, but that's another post for another day.

And With One Word, The Whole Mood Changes

This news story was a fine read, except for this sentence, which spoke to me in a louder volume than anything else the reporter could have said. Actually, it was only one word in the sentence. Can you find it?
Diagnosing a child with autism is usually done when the infant turns two, but using MEG technology, this could be done as early as after one year of existence.


If you don't know what word I'm talking about, the word was "existence." Existence? wouldn't a more natural choice have been "age"? Does anybody in their right mind say "It's my birthday! I've existed this many years!"? to say "existence", to me, tells me what the reporter thinks of kids with autism. they don't live. They don't get older. They exist.

I'm not usually one who thinks people should think more about the words they use than the idea they're trying to get across, but for some reason, this choice of words seemed so beyond wrong that it demanded to be mentioned. It was like the reporter went above and beyond to find an abnormal way to express something that didn't need to be made into something weird.

Thankfully the story was already mostly over, because I couldn't listen to anything else the reporter had to say without seeing it through a lens skewed by anger. Am I weird in thinking this?

Monday, December 01, 2008

I Hate Situations Like This!

Something's bugging me, and I don't know when it will leave me alone, or what will make it go away. Maybe this will help.

there's a guy I've met downtown. He's a little odd, but harmless. He's the one who gave me a vegan brownie that time. I think he's had an interesting, if not difficult life. I know he once had a family, but he now lives alone. I don't know if he lives in your ordinary apartment. Maybe sometimes it's a room, sometimes it's somebody's couch. I think he's been homeless before. He always wants to help me, and he would give everyone everything he had until he was naked, pennyless and homeless. He's that kind of guy. I know all of that has to do somewhat with choices he's made, but it's still sad. Part of me wonders if he's a little slow, but I'm not sure.

I saw him a few months ago, and he worried me a little bit. I can't remember what he said to me, but I just remember thinking that he seemed confused and didn't make a lot of sense. I hoped he was just having an off day.

but I saw him today, and oh me oh my oh you. Something is definitely horribly wrong with him, horribly wrong. I think he's on some serious drugs, or he's off ones that he's been prescribed. What exited his mouth was nothing short of paranoia. According to this man, the police killed Jesus Christ, and they steal all our money, and they kil more than the worst serial murderer, and they're out to lock every last one of us up and then go home and eat shrimp and lobster and drink wine, he's been trying to avoid the police who have tried to kill him since he was an infant, and all the police, lawyers and judges hate him like poison. He also had this very mechanical creepy laugh. I can't hope to synthesize it. It was like "heh, heh, heh." While we were walking, since he decided to help me find stuff in a drugstore, he kept praising me in the same way as I would praise Trixie. "Oh, you don't like wine? Good, Carin, good!" he said. I'm not writing this up to make fun of him. I'm just trying to illustrate how far gone he seems to be.

As I was waiting for my bus, I just sat beside him on a bench and searched for something I could say. something, anything. I wanted to ask him if he was getting any help, but he also seemed very easy to piss off. He once named off everything he had in his cupboards, which wasn't much. I looked directly at him and asked him if he had enough food. what came back? "Believe me! I have food! I don't want a woman to be worried about me. If a woman is worried, I get very angry." Ok then. I don't want to make him very angry, since very angry irrational people don't do very safe things, and I'm very small. thankfully, we're in a very open, public area and I can scream very loud, but I don't want to have to. I don't mean to make him sound like a monster, but he didn't seem to be in his right mind at all.

I felt so helpless. I thought to myself, "I worked at a distress line. What can I do? What should I do? Is there anything I can do?" My head came back with a resounding no, even though the rest of me screamed that I can't just leave him like this. but I did, and came home, and my head still spins.

I wouldn't worry so much if I knew he had a good support network. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't. I don't know who looks out for him. A friend of his came up to him and immediately asked him for a cigarette. Then she told him about the goings on in her life and walked off. And you know what sucks? if he got really bad, it might be the police that would be summoned to help him, who he's convinced are out to get him. What a horrible situation for all involved.

I'm afraid of the condition in which I'll next see him. He says he's poor, so if he was given something to help treat some mental illness, maybe he can't afford it. by the state of his head, god he needs it.

So, has anybody got any ideas of what I could do? Probably not, but I keep seeing him in my mind, and hearing the laugh, the mechanical, measured laugh, and the confusion that's swirling in his head, and it won't go away. Oh how I wish my cool neighbour of years gone by was around still. He dealt with mental illness, so he might have been able to give me some sound advice from the perspective of someone who's been there. but he's not. Anybody got any thoughts?

Why Waste?

If you're the type of person that's intoinspirational semen based recipies,thenThe Testicles Cookbook - Cooking with Ballswill probably be right up your alley.

The Testicles Cookbook - Cooking with Balls is a multimedia cookbook complete with how-to videos on cooking testicle dishes. Including Testicle Pizza, Testicle Goulash and White Wine Testicles, this is a short teaser taken from the full cookbook, written by Serbian testicles chef, Ljubomir Erovic. The full book is available to buy on YUDU in English and Serbian.


Short teaser probably isn't the wayI would have described it, but hey, what do I know?

And I shouldn't have to tell any of you how awesomely strange it is that there's a guy out there who is officially known as the Serbian testicles chef. I bet there are a lot of nervous Serbians looking over their shoulders right about now.

Trying To Help Random Searchers

29 Nov, Sat, 12:39:45
Google:
mushers secret help elderly dog get up on hardwood floors


Ok, anonymous search dude, this could mean two things. Are you trying to say that the dog can't get up after you put the wax on their paws? Maybe put a towel down under them when you do it, so their slidey feet won't be slipping on the hardwood floor.

Or, do you think Mushers will help them be able to get up? I'm betting that would be a no. Adding slippery paws to a slick floor would be a bad scene.

good luck with your elderly dog.

If There's A Hell, I'm Likely Going There For This

I missed the jump,
by a foot oooooooor two,
oh if I'd only knew,
now I'm a dead fellow.

ANAHEIM, Calif. -- A 27-year-old man walking home from a Coldplay concert plunged 30 feet to his death after he tried to leap across a gap in a bridge spanning a riverbed.

Police say witnesses saw Guillermo Gomez, of Alhambra, try to jump across a 10-foot gap that separates the westbound and eastbound lanes of traffic and fall onto a bike path below.

Sgt. Rick Martinez says Gomez, who had attended the concert with a relative, died less than an hour later at the hospital.

He says the gap in the roadway was surrounded by 2-foot-high concrete barriers.


Link.

Everybody Loves A Happy Ending

Theredneckingest story in a long long time,the one about the Kentucky woman who's trailer home was destroyed by a combination of an incompetent mover named Pancake and a stereotypical small town sheriff, has a happy ending.

Donations from California billionaire Tim Blixseth and some other anonymous benefactors havepaid for a new single-wide mobile home for her and her family.

But don't worry, the update still has its share of backwoods hick goodness.

She was really just hoping for something better when she moved her $5,000 home from a mobile home park to a littered, muddy patch of ground she calls the farm, between a steep cliff and a black-topped road not far from a creek.

"If that's not a lot for a person to ask for," she said, "I don't know what is."


My undying respect to anybody who can sort out what that quote means.

Her boyfriend's mother lives across the way in a barn converted into an apartment. A few feet down the road one way is a home that burned but still stands unlivable and the other way a battered, single-wide with toys abandoned in the yard.


There's room for her five horses, her cats, Satan and Mommy Cat, and her family.


If she was allowed to name her own kids, I might have an entirely separate post to write in a few minutes...

This house might be less crowded. Seven of the 12 people once living with Barton, including her daughter and granddaughter, have found other arrangements.


Might? I guess this is the point at which we learn that rudimentary math skills are neither necessary or important for well, anything really.

And finally there's this. I'm glad nothing went wrong, but at the same time my love for irony is crying just a little bit over the lost opportunity.

Because the electricity has not been hooked up yet, she was determined to spend Wednesday night in her new home using kerosene heaters. David Doyle, fearing fire, said he told her it would be better to wait until the electricity is on before moving in.

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