Why Is My Name...?

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Daisy?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."

A few minutes later, the next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

Finally, the last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Fridge."

All I Want For Christmas Is An Odd Combination Of Things

With Carin gone for the holidays and me leaving tomorrow, things are likely going to be pretty quiet around here for the next week or 2. but before we all but close up shop for the most un-vacation-like vacation of the year, here are a few random links to keep you entertained while we're off eating ungodly amounts of food and drinking ourselves stupid. I'm sure that many of you will be doing the same things, but if you happen to find a spare minute somewhere or if nobody likes you and you're not invited to anything, here ya go.

*Strange: A Hungarian riverside was made into a beach because apparently the country doesn't have any natural ones of its own. Stranger:
somebody stole it, sand and all.

*We talk a lot about the things people name their children, but sometimes overlooked are
the things they choose to name themselves,
for instance, Daddy Fantastic, Mouth Who Wants To Know O'Mighty, and my personal favourite, Something Long And Complicated.

*Here's a quick tip. If you're throwing garbage down a chute and you somehow manage to knock your hat off and the hat falls in,
just let it go.
Yes the guy survived, but it's because he's lucky, not smart.

*We don't pick on England, England picks on England. They have a
10-step guide detailing clean up and disposal procedures for broken light bulbs
for crying out loud!

*Quick question. If Santa is
such a poor role model,
where are all the stories about kids getting hurt or worse because they're sliding down chimneys? I mean if you're going to be a fucking goof about everything, you might as well be a fucking goof about *everything*.

*if you want to be entertained by somebody much funnier than us, check out
Glen Foster's YouTube channel.

*Money quotes:

1. In a
   story
   on the death of the world's oldest man, age 116, a family member is quoted as saying "His death came as a surprise to us."


2. Words to live by, courtesy of awesomely named Australian politician Nigel Scullion.
   "Don't let anyone handcuff you to a post and make sure you always wear clean underwear."


3. Upon recovering her stolen Nativity scene, Santa Clarita California resident Vicki Combs told KNBC TV Los Angeles that, in the future,
   "I think I'll nail it down."

That's all I've got, but if you need more to look at, head on over to
Joke A Day's Wild Links page,
where you'll find lots of fun stuff, including some links right back here to things you've probably already seen.

If I don't talk to you before then, have a merry
festive whatchamathingie
and a happy New Year.

Gone To See Dad

I'm certainly not what you'd call a religious person, but even I would have a hard time resisting the urge to wear a shirt with a cross on it that says "Gone to see Dad. ...Be back soon to pick you up. --Jesus"

And while we're at it, here's a nice
list
of gifts for the deity fans in your life that will all but ensure that they won't ask you for anything next year, or any other year for that matter.

It's Chr***mas Time In The City

This right here
boggles my mind, so please, everybody on the bus as we travel down the road to absurdity.

Ottawa's Elmdale Public School created controversy recently when it was learned that teachers had decided to change the lyrics to one of the songs that was to be sung during a holiday singalong assembly. the song in question was Silver Bells, and the reason for the changes was to remove any and all references to Christmas.

That by itself is ridiculous, but as you will soon see, it doesn't come close to being the stupidest part of the story. Observe.

Lynn Scott, chairwoman of the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board, said the song was chosen by teachers as only one of many at the concert that represent a variety of seasonal traditions, including Christmas and Hanukkah.

"Just to make sure everyone was comfortable looking at their own children in their own classes, they made the judgment call to change the word in that one song," she said.

She said it might have been more appropriate to choose a non-Christmas song instead of changing one that included a reference to the Christian holiday.

But, she added, "Teachers did something out of the best of intentions. Do we always get it right when we try to do things for good reason? No, we don't always get it right."

I'll pause while you all read that passage again and take appropriate time to marvel at the logic contained therein.

...

...

...

Ok, now that you've had a chance to recover, let's examine this step by step in a rational fashion. Hey, somebody has to, so why not us?

The idea was to present songs that represent a variety of traditions. This is good. Any time you can educate people about the differing beliefs of those around them, I'm all for it. What I'm not all for is making sure that everybody is "comfortable looking at their own children in their own classes", and monkeying with the very purpose of the whole thing to ensure that they are. You either talk about everybody's celebrations or you don't, and if that makes people uncomfortable, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Using her reasoning, the lyrics to each and every song performed on that show would have had to be changed so that nobody would accidentally learn anything, and if that was the point, which logically it has to be, why not just call off the whole damn concert and save yourselves the trouble? What her quote should have said was something more along the lines of minorities get kind of pissed off when we talk about Christmas, and nobody around here has the balls to tell them to cram it, or better yet to tell them to take it upon themselves to make sure that they're better represented during the singing next time.

And what exactly is a non-Christmas Christmas song? Something is either a Christmas song or it isn't. But just for fun, let's humour them and see if maybe we might be able to help out a little.

Given what we know, a non-Christmas song needs to be a song traditionally sung at Christmas time that does not have the word Christmas in it, but for some reason, Christmas related symbols are ok. I feel confident in this assumption because they weren't changing the name of the song to Silver Noise-Making Spherical Objects, they were only whitewashing the purpose out of it. So bells good, Christmas Bad.

And if Christmas is bad, Christ is likely a no no too. I mean just look at his name. Bells 2, the Lord 0.

If the religious folks can't have Jesus, Santa's probably a goner too. He, much like Jesus, is considered a fictional character by some, and besides, it's been decided by whoever decides these things that him and his lard ass are
setting a bad example for the children.
Bells 3, everybody else 0.

Oh Christmas Tree? Not on your life, buddy boy. Those things are holiday trees now. Bells 4, nature 0.

I'm starting to worry about my contention that symbols are fine. This is not good. Whatever shall we do?

But wait, all hope may not be lost after all. Just look at the scoreboard. Something is winning, and I think there's a song about it. Perhaps you've even heard of it. No Santa, no Christ, not even any Christmas. So what is this magical non-Christmas song? You're gonna kick yourself when I tell you, and you may want to kick a few people from Elmdale Public School if you don't already. Are you ready? No really, are you ready? Ok, here it comes. The miracle [is it ok to use that word?] song that would solve everyone's problems is...wait for it...wait for it...
Jingle Bells!
That's right, Jingle Fucking Bells!

And with that, I've done with 5 seconds of thought what meetings full of people who's job it is to shape our future could not accomplish with weeks or perhaps even months of planning. And when I stop and think about it, that realization is far worse than the original point of this entire post, something that should make anyone with children in our public school system very upset, not to mention quite a bit worried.

Lynn Scott was right about one thing though. They don't always get it right, and that's fine. Nobody does. the problem isn't that you didn't get it right, it's that you got it so spectacularly wrong when the right answers were staring all of you directly in the face.

Worst Band Names Of 2007

The part of The Onion that doesn't make shit up has published a list of
the worst band names of the year,
but for some reason, Band.Zero isn't on it.

The list by itself is great for a whole lot of laughs, but in order to up the awesome, it comes with site links for about 99% of them. I haven't gone and listened to any yet but a few are calling my name, in particular Harmonica Lewinsky and The Dead Kenny Gs.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, might well be the most productive thing I do all day. Today is my birthday, and I think I'm going to give myself laziness, hamburgers and beer as a present. This time of year is always insanity for me what with the 3-sided family and hosting the annual [besides last year] New Year's Eve party, so if there's a moment for me to do nothing, you'd better believe I'm taking it.

Your Stupid Joke For Today

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge (looking at petition): "I can see why, your name is Leon... Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"

Leon: "Melvin,  your honor."

Nobody's Safe Anymore

If it isn't already, the world should soon find itself on high alert, because the
USB missile launcher
has
gone wireless!

Like the wired version, the new launcher is controlled by a little targetting app running on a Windows PC. This time round, what's plugged into said system is a dish-like wireless transmitter that can talk to a similar unit wired up to the launcher itself.

Supplier Brando claims dish-to-dish communications can take place at distances of up to 15ft, which the launcher can propel its payload of three foam missiles a further 20ft. Right down the corridor and into the Accounts department, in other words.

The Stupidest Hero I've Ever Had

The next time you're drinking at a party and think you're hot shit because you can hold it well, consider this story.

A 64-year-old German air passenger almost popped his clogs earlier this week after quaffing a litre of vodka officials told him he couldn't take on the aircraft.

According to Spiegel, the man was switching planes at Nuremberg airport en route from Egypt to Dresden. Security operatives informed him that, according to the terror-busting 100ml liquid limit regulations designed to stop al-Qaeda concealing binary liquid explosives in their hand luggage, he'd either have to pay extra to have his bag put into the hold or ditch the booze.

He magnificently rejected both proposals, and sank the entire bottle.

The
article
goes on to let us know that, wonder of wonders, the plan didn't go so well, and that the "pickled German" is currently recovering in a Nuremberg hospital.

My Bowl Runneth Over

Dawn Herb, the woman hauled into court for
swearing at her toilet,
has
had her charges thrown out and will not have to do any time or part with any money.

District Judge Terrence Gallagher earlier this week dismissed the charge on the grounds that while Herb's language "may be considered by some to be offensive, vulgar and imprudent", it is "protected speech pursuant to the First Amendment".

Barry Dyller, who represented Herb on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union, praised the judge's good sense and insisted that past rulings have established that "colorful language" isn't illegal. He said: "He's exactly right ... in his reasoning. And it's important that the public understands this."

For once, sanity prevails!

If This Post Sucks, It's Google's Fault

Somebody please tell me if I'm reading the end of
this article
wrong or missing something, because I fail to see how gang members using a certain brand of baseball caps as part of the outfit becomes something that the company needs to be held responsible for.

Think of it this way. If I buy a computer and then use it to commit credit card fraud, does that make everybody at HP or Best Buy who had anything to do with it falling into my hands as much a criminal as I am? No, it doesn't. What I do with things in my possession is my responsibility, noone else's. The same holds true for gang members, no matter how much politicians, police and even private citizens want us to believe otherwise.

Let It Snow...No, Actually, Make It Stop

I think this will probably be the last time I'll have a chance to write a post before Christmas. It's snowing, snowing, and snowing some more, but mom and dad are considering driving through it to get home. Interesting. So, hope everyone has a merry Christmas, and enjoys the heap of snow that's being dumped...pretty much all across Ontario and part of the states! Hope everyone can keep the lights on, and those who lost power get it back soon.

If You Go Down to Sudan Today, You're In For A Big Surprise

This is also from the old news department, but I need to blog it before Christmas chaos hits.

There is a British teacher who is lucky to escape Sudan with her life. Why? She allowed her 7-year-old students to name a teddy bear Mohammed! But she still says she had a fabulous time in Sudan. Wow, lady, you're a far braver soul than I could ever be. I guess that's why you're teaching English in foreign countries and I'm not.

Gillian Gibbons was teaching English in a Sudanese private school. She decided that a good way to teach the kids some English would be to have one of the kids bring in a teddy bear, have the kids name it, and then each kid could take the bear home and record logs of what they did with the bear. They were going to put their stories in a book and let them all keep it. What a sweet little project! I wish teachers did stuff like that with us when we were little.

She decided to let the kids pick the bear's name. By a huge majority, the kids chose Mohammed. With Mohammed being a common Muslim name, is it any surprise that was the choice?

So the kids carted Mohammed the fuzzy bear everywhere, and the book was created. They even called Mohammed an intelligent bear. But one of the parents saw it, and ran off to the police. A crime had been committed! Apparently, insulting the prophet Mohammed is a crime, and by naming a stuffed animal Mohammed, even if they called it intelligent, the prophet had been insulted.

So, *clang*, Ms. Gibbons found herself in jail. She could have faced lashes, jail time, and people were coming out in droves with clubs and knives demanding her execution! What the? Luckily, she was pardoned and allowed to go home safely.

Ok, I try to be open-minded to different cultural views, but this is just ridiculous! I can't understand it. I can't. I can't switch places and try and see things from their eyes. I can't even think of something that we get morally offended about that they would look at and wonder if we were on crack. I can't do it. I just can't. Words fail me. My mind is full of sputtering phrases. Let me try and convert them into thoughts that make some semblance of sense.

It was a kids' project. The kids chose the name. She didn't force it on them. Part of me screams that you can't blame the kids, but surely they've had it pounded into their heads that you don't insult Mohammed. Surely, they know this more than Ms. Gibbons. I know that if you go to another culture, you have to learn about their beliefs, but if I was teaching there, and all the kids chose to name the bear Mohammed, I'd have to wonder if maybe this wasn't viewed as an insult. An insult is a highly interpretive thing. Plus, if you are trying to teach the kids about voting, you can't really have them vote and then tell them they can't have it that way. I would have thought, if I was having as fabulous a time in Sudan as she seemed to have had up to now, that the parents would have been reasonable and seen this as a cute little project, nothing more.

The parents have to remember that she's not from there, and they wanted their kids to learn English from someone who is not from there, after all. So maybe it's their fault. Maybe they should take the lashes for letting someone teach their kids who didn't know about insulting Mohammed. They have to expect that someone from far away might do something that's not exactly standard with their norms. I don't understand. There seems to be a contradiction here. The private schools go to great lengths to make sure their English teachers are the whitest of white so it looks at least as if the teachers are native English speakers, but if the teachers are not adhering precisely to their beliefs, they should die, die, die? Either you get someone who knows your beliefs inside and out to teach the kids English, or you deal with a few oopses. As long as the oopses don't hurt the kids, what in hell does it matter? Maybe, if you're worried about whether the kids are going to be good little Muslims after this episode, you take the teacher aside and explain it to her. You don't lock her up.

Another thing that confuses me is if it's such an insult to name a bear Mohammed, how come you can name your kid Mohammed? Aren't you calling your kid a god, or giving your imperfect child God's name? Isn't that an insult, or a sign of hubris, or something? I admit I don't know shit about shit about all the rules of Islam, but logic leaves me confused on this one.

I also don't understand this country's stubbornness. Because of that Danish cartoon, Sudan won't let Scandinavians come to Darfur, even though they offer highly technical skills. I'm all for standing up for your principles, but this is absurd.

I think I'm done sputtering. I'm just glad she got out ok. This reminds me of that Star Trek The Next Generation episode where Wesley Crusher was going to get executed for stepping on the grass. I never thought I'd see a real case as ridiculous as that. But I guess they had to get the idea from somewhere.

Commuting Is Better Than It Ever Was, I'm Taking It Easy, When I Take The Bus?

Sorry, I don't agree. After having to commute by bus for a week while I had a temporary job, I don't think so. I kept hearing that old jingle for Ottawa's transit system in my head every morning and thinking that if they picked it up for Guelph, I'd have to shoot someone. Commuting is certainly not better, and I'm not taking it easy.

Let's go through what I had to do in order to get to work in Kitchener, a city that is a half an hour away from me by car, for 9:00 by only bussing and walking, since those were my only options if I didn't want to spend an arm and a leg taking a cab and I didn't know anyone I could carpool with.

First, I looked into when buses went to Kitchener. Since there is no Go service, my only option was Greyhound. Get this. They had a bus leaving at 8:00 in the morning, and didn't have another one leaving until 8:55! When does work generally start? Usually, 9:00. So, this service can't be helping folks commute to work. So in order to get to Kitchener before 9:00, I would have to take the 8:00 bus.

Since our city bus system is being royally stupid and making the buses come every 40 minutes at heavy times instead of every 30, because reducing service when everyone wants to get somewhere makes a heap of sense, I could either get downtown at 7:15 or 7:55. Hmmm. My bus leaves at 8:00, and the Greyhound station *isn't* where the city buses pull in, like in every other city in the universe, *bristle bristle*, so I have to walk a few blocks. Right! 7:15 it is! I get to sit at the Greyhound station for 40 minutes just so I'm not late for my bus. I've already bought my week-long bus pass, and the terminal has no food, so I just sit there. It is sort of nice to chill for a bit, but 40 minutes?

So, in order to get downtown at 7:15, I had to be standing at my bus stop at 7:00. To account for Trixie having to take a crap, screwy road conditions, and other assorted loveliness, I left my house at 6:45, which meant getting up every morning at 5:45! Are you tired yet?

I can't imagine having to take the bus to work every single day. I knew taking the bus would mean things would take a bit longer, but that was just too much. By the end of the week, I was friggin exhausted! AT least on the way home, the bus would stop a couple of blocks from where I live, so I wouldn't have to repeat the same ridiculousness at the end of the day, when I was more tired and just wanting to get my ass home. But it still meant that I got home close to 7 if I was lucky.

I think the only city nearby with decent bus service is Toronto. Too bad it's so damn expensive and scary to live there.

The Not So Jolly Old Elf

Wow. Santa isn't just dirty in bot form. Now, if you had sent a lettre to Santa in Canada, you might have gotten a nasty lettre back. Seriously. Apparently, one of Santa's volunteer elves decided to send children some not so nice notes, ranging from demeaning to inappropriate. Damn I wish I could see one of these letters! I'm so curious. But of course, since the police are involved, nobody's going public. I wonder if they looked like these ones?

In other news, another one of life's mysteries has been solved. Now we really know what happens when you send a letter to H0H 0H0.

The Attrocities of Uncle Junior, And I'm Not Talking About the Sopranos

YouTube is great! That's all I can say. Why? Because they have a video of Dominic Chianese massacring the anthems, complete with Joe Bowen's commentary. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! So, enjoy, if you dare.

It's That Time Of Year Again

Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch [M-LAW[ has announced the winners of this year's
Wacky Warning Labels Contest,
and as usual, there are some doozies.

"DANGER: AVOID DEATH" WARNING WINS TOP PRIZE IN M-LAW'S ELEVENTH ANNUAL WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST
A label on a small tractor that warns, "Danger: Avoid Death," has been chosen as the nation's most obvious warning label in M-LAW's annual Wacky Warning Label Contest.

The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its eleventh year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, to reveal how lawsuits, and fear of lawsuits, have driven the proliferation of common-sense warnings on U.S. products.
Grand prize winner receives $500 and a copy of the best selling book based on M-LAW's contest

Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, Michigan won the $500 grand prize for submitting the label to M-LAW. Soave also wins a copy of the best selling book, "Remove Child Before Folding, The 101 Stupidest, Silliest and Wackiest Warning Labels Ever," written by M-LAW president Bob Dorigo Jones.

The tractor label and other winning labels were selected from a list of finalists by listeners of the Dick Purtan show on Detroit radio station, WOMC-FM.

OTHER WINNERS:

Don't follow this advice and you might just get a little hot under the collar.
The $250 second place award will be split by Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pennsylvania for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
Baby Strollers have seats for a reason... The $100 third place prize goes to Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Massachusetts for a label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns, "Do not put child in bag."
If you are opening bills, you might want to put blinders on, but one manufacturer of letter openers recommends this:
Honorable mention goes to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City, Michigan for a warning label on a letter opener that says: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended."
How many of us have thought of this trick to get out of paying a bill?
Another honorable mention goes to Ann Marie Young of Fillmore, New York for a warning she found on Vanishing Fabric Marker which cautions users: "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents."

Behind these silly labels is a serious public policy concern - America's out-of-whack system of civil justice.

"Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into cash settlements -- even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense," said Dorigo Jones. "The real issue is not the obvious warning labels, but the billions of dollars in litigation costs passed on to consumers -- a kind of a "lawsuit tax" we all pay. That is why M-LAW urges judges and policy makers to support civil justice reform."

Ya Better Watch Out, Ya Better Not..Ask Santa If He Wants Pizza

I know this is old news, but I'm behind, and it's still funny and creapy.

Apparently, Microsoft created a Windows Live ID for Santa that people can add and it asks them what they want for Christmas and such. Supposedly, it is a bot. But it's a bot with a very dirty mind, as a UK man and his two nieces found out in a certain conversation. All They did was offer it some pizza, and it went off about oral sex! Then it called someone at the Register a dirty bastard, and then everything went to hell for the Santa bot. But before Microsoft killed Santa's account, it told someone that they didn't need drugs when they were high on life if they asked for cake, and if anyone called Santa a dirty bastard, it wished everyone a merry Christmas, especially those in the UK, which is where the Register is from. Interesting.

But the final straw was what the PR folk at Microsoft tried to do to explain away Santa's naughty mouth. In the worst attempt at damage control, they blamed the first kids who got unexpected oral sex chat. They said the kids goaded it into saying dirty things. Ok? In what world does asking Santa if he wants some pizza constitute talking about oral sex? Maybe in the world of Anthony Azzapardi, the old man who tried to say a five-year-old girl sexually assaulted *him*, that flies, but not in this one. At least I hope not.

Britain Doesn't Have Identity Theft. It Has Identity Finders Keepers.

If you thought Britain's handing disks full of confidential data to a bloke on a bike was bad, then the thought of a bunch of confidential stuff falling off a truck on the side of the road, and 6 similar breaches in the space of two years will make you shit yourself. Yikes. To say this problem of private data going missing is a systemic failure is an understatement.

Since We're Not Helping Anybody, You Might As Well Help Yourself

Maybe it's just me, but something about the idea of
cops sticking yellow tickets to parked cars that have visible packages inside of them
sounds more like crime assistance than prevention. They can say they're trying to help remind people to better secure their purchases all they want, but there has to be a better way of doing that than turning an already easy target into an even easier one.

Trixie's Frozen Brain

What is with this climate? Now I know why they got fur for my fur. It's c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold up here! No wonder the trees fall apart and leave their leaves on the ground. Brrr!

And now, the ground is covered in this white stuff. She keeps saying, "This is snow! This is snow!" I finally find out what this snow stuff is about. Some of it is soft white stuff, and some of it is slippery white stuff. I have to go a little slower, just a little, so I don't fal down. The first time she took me out to do my business in the white stuff, I thought if I just dug long enough, I'd find the old grass. It had to be in there, and if I just sniffed, snorted, and dug some more, I could find it. But nature isn't as patient as I am and my nose was getting cold, so I had to give up and sit my buttt on the cold white stuff and do my business! Yuck! This is no fun!

But now that I'm used to it, it's kind of fun. I like to flop down on my belly when the snow is all soft and deep and stretch my paws out. What did that girl from the floor below call it? Doing my seal impression? Yeah. Well it's fun. I can leave marks in the snow and find them again. I can find other dog paw prints. Neat! I don't have to just sniff them out, I can find where their feet have been! Maybe this stuff isn't so bad.

But I don't like what they put on the sidewalk. It hurts. It hurts a little less now that Carin started putting that goop on my paws. I think it's doing something. I just have to not lick it off. If I do, and she catches me, she just puts more on and looks at me all mad. But that salt stuff. It makes me limp and she has to wipe it off. Sometimes, I try to avoid it when we're coming back up on the sidewalk. I tried to just miss it but still walk in the same direction, but that wasn't good enough. Then Carin yells "We're still in the road!" and I have to go through it.

You know, I take back what I said before about humans being wusses for wearing shoes. Don't ask me how I learned to make links. I'm just that smart. Anyway, I want shoes now. They keep trying shoes on me, but they keep falling off, or they hurt, or no one can figure them out. I won't fight if you find me good shoes. Really, I won't. I don't want to step in that cold stuff anymore. It's hard to think when my feet are cold.

This snow stuff is confusing. Sometimes, we have to climb over it, usually at street corners, but not all snowbanks are for climbing! So many complicated rules!

I have more toys again! Some came from that place I came from with the other puppies and the trainers. I just know it! When she opened the package, sniff sniff sniff! Yeah! That's the old place! I love those toys. She got me a huge huge huge bone. It's big, but I can still pickit up and walk with it. She says hopefully it won't get dangerous for a long time. I still don't get this dangerous thing. But at least with the big bone, I can see where I've been. There's this other toy I just got. I think it has magical healing powers. I chew on it, chew chew chewchewchewchew...and it never changes! I can't see where my teeth have been. I can chew on it for ever, pick it up and carry it around, and it looks the same. Is she sneaking out and getting a new one? Sniff snif..no. This one still smells like me!

What is with time up here? I just got used to the time-change, and then things changed again. She was getting up really early and feeding me and then we had to get on the city bus really early. Then we had to walk to another place where buses came and catch one to somewhere called Kitchener. There was another guy on that bus with a dog. I really wanted to kiss that dog, and he wanted to kiss me. Sometimes, we'd sneak a nose-wiggle. Then, the guy with the dog would get off the bus and we'd keep riding it. We'd get off and walk a few blocks and then go in this cool big building to this office place with more computers and she typed all day. But there were cool people. One of them brought me home-made treats. When she had a break, she'd take the harness off and let me play with the people. They all smelled like dogs and they all loved me! Then at the end of the day, we'd walk back to the place where the buses came and get back on a bus and it would drop us off near home and we'd walk home. Then, finally, an hour off schedule, she'd feed me! At least with the time-change, the time changed in the same way at both ends. Not this time-change. She says it wasn't a time-change, she had a...what was it called? temporary job? Yeah. But it was fun, even though I had to wait for food and she'd groom me at night. I got to see that other dog and the cool guy who gave me treats. I miss them now.

I used to like getting groomed. Now, I'm not so keen. We have to stand outside in the c-c-c-c-cold to do it. Now I just want her to hurry up and be done with it. At least she does.

Ah well, I guess this isn't so bad. I always have a warm bed and a warm house to come back to. We don't walk in the c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold for crazy amounts of time. She tries to pick the shortest path too. I guess she doesn't like it either. Then why does she live in it? She has the power to choose! Why doesn't she leave the white stuff? Silly humans. Sometimes I wonder why they say they're smarter than us.

You know, so much has changed in the last few months. I wonder what kind of weird things I'm going to see in the next few. But as long as I'm with Carin, I guess it's cool. The only cooler thing would be to see my old California mommy. I wonder how she is. I saw her with another puppy the day before Carin and I got on that big flying car bus thing. I guess that puppy just headed into the place where Carin met me. I hear she's learning how to do all the things I know. I wonder where she'll end up. I wish I could tell her what adventure is coming. She has no idea. I sure didn't.

Today's Dose Of Irony

A group of scientists at the University of Illinois at Chicago recently conducted experiments on animals to try to determine whether homosexuality is hard-wired genetically or can be turned on and off using a combination of gene manipulation and drugs. And what sort of animals would you suppose these scientists used for these experiments? If you said fruit flies without clicking
here
first, congratulations, you're probably as much of an insensitive prick as I am.

Trixter's In A Winter Wonderland

Man, it's been a while since I've written about Trixie. Let's fix that.

I don't think Trixie quite knows what to do with all this snow. The first time she saw it, it was slippery, and she tried to fly at her regular summer pace, and quickly realized that was not a safe plan. She was completely shocked by the white stuff. Later that morning, I had her out on the balcony, and then she seemed happy as hell to frolic in it. She was flopping around, rolling in it, trying to eat it, sniffing it all over. Every time she hits a new patch of snow, it's like a whole new thing for her. She was making footprints in it when I had her out to play and then following the paths she made. She certainly doesn't hate the snow, that's for sure.

That's not saying she doesn't have snow issues. Sometimes, she can be absolutely awesome when we're walking, and figure out what snow she has to climb over and what snow she doesn't, and walk a perfectly straight line down the sidewalk. Sometimes, oh boy she gets confused. Yesterday, I think she was looking for a clear patch, and decided that we just had to go across a parking lot to a building! Oh dear! Then I had to bail us out. But she's learning, and when she makes a mistake, it's not a dumb one. Her street crossings are still straight as an arrow.

Boots are going to give me nightmares. They're driving me nuts. I tried one set, and she wouldn't even bend her legs. I tried another, and she'd walk in them, but they'd just keep falling off. I got another set from the vet, and they're too complicated for me to figure out! But she seems to need boots, because I think her screwing up is because she doesn't want to put her paws in the ugly snow and salt goo that's everywhere, and I can't blame her. I've been putting something on her paws to repel salt, but it just isn't enough...or maybe she's stealthily licking it all off. I've been catching her at it, and she seems to be doing it less, but the little devil isn't helping her cause with that. I think I'm getting my just reward for giving mom a hard time about stuff when I was a kid.

I even had someone make me something to put on so if her boots fall off, they're still hanging from her, and I'm even having issues with that. I just want to put boots on, have them stay on, or not be horribly difficult to adjust, and then we can walk and her feet can be shielded from the winter weather! I just want simplicity! Is that too much to ask?

I finally found a toy that is a true battle for the Trixter. It's a Goughnut! If you have a dog who chews toys to death, you have to get them this toy. She has been chewing on it, and it hasn't even shown a mark. I think she's annoyed with it though, she can't see any progress. But she can't be too annoyed with it, she took it to bed with her last night! Damn I wish I could have used my phone's camera to capture that image.

I really think she's learning English. No no listen. The other day, I was walking from the apartment to the elevator and said, ah crap. She stopped, looked up at me and turned back a little bit as if to say, "You forgot something?"

It gets better. I said to Steve, "Ok, I have to get dogfood, I have to go to the bank and then the drugstore. Then I wanna catch the bus to go to the mall." As we were walking down the sidewalk in the general direction of the store where I would get dogfood, she put on the brakes. It was a hard stop. It wasn't a sort of "we've been there before, ya wanna go again?" stop, it was a "We have arrived" kind of stop. Then, on the way back from that stuff, we went to cross the street. Usually, we would be coming home, so we would turn and cross the other way. But she didn't even try to go that way. She went for the bus stop! We never hit the bus stop from that direction! Man oh man she's a genius and she amazes me every day!

Speaking of amazing, I was at Steve's mom's place this past weekend. We haven't been there in six months. But she remembered where she used to pee, she remembered the downstairs and the way things were laid out, she remembered everything! Oh, and she didn't bark once. Last time we were there, there was a lot of barking going on at bad times, like, 3 a.m. when someone came home late, or 5 a.m. when someone had to leave for a shift. No more barking now. Yea!

I think that's about all the Trixie updates. Well, she may have some things to say. But that's all I can come up with for now.

For The Land Of The Flat, And The Home Of The Tone-Deaf

Holy crap, I'm writing a hockey post. No, steve didn't hack into my account and write this one. Well, I lied, it's not really about hockey. It's about the caterwauling of the national anthems that came before the December 6th game between the Leafs and the Rangers. To summarize, good god it was horrible.

It was sung by Dominic Chianese. Who the hell is that? Apparently he played Uncle Junior, whoever that is, on the sopranos. By the way he sang these suckers, he should stick to acting.

He started off with O Canada, and all I could picture was a conductor madly trying to keep him in rhythm! 1! 2! 3! 4! No, you're off again! Get the man a metronome. It made me think of the disaster that happened when I was in the high school band and we played at the town's remembrance day ceremony. We accompanied a man as he sang God Save the Queen. Well, we all finished, and then we heard the singer sing, "The queen." One lone tuba tried to save us and accompany him again, but...well...it was too little too late.

Then there was the American national anthem. Oh lordy. We could just tell it was going to go bad, very bad. But we had no idea of the magnitude until it hit us. We were bracing for it in the star-spangled banner part, and that was bad enough. But when he hit the land of the freee-ee-ee-eeee, that was crazy. It was like he was in about four keys and sounded like a squeaking clarinet all at once. I didn't know a human voicebox could hit that many notes simultaneously. You know it's bad when Joe Bowen makes fun of it.

You know what really sucked? Nobody else we knew who are also big Leafs fans saw it. We asked a few different people, and they all missed it! Damn! Maybe good old Uncle Junior is hoping lots of people missed it too. Wow, what a trainwreck of an anthem that was.

Merry Barenaked Ladies Christmas

Look at me, on a Christmas jag.

Jen sent me the Barenaked Ladies Christmas album. I'd heard good things about it, so I was curious. Hell, it's the Barenaked Ladies, it has to be good...right? Right? Wrong!

Well, it's not horrible, not Barenaked Ladies Are Men horrible, but it doesn't rock my socks off either. This is how I ranked the songs: kinda funny, ok, good, not half bad but kinda boring, blech!, mildly amusing, pretty, blech!, good, really good, blech!, pretty but creapy, pretty, that was stupid, cute, good god you wasted studio time on this?, super boring, kinda cute, blech and what's with the ending, good. Confused yet? Let's break it down.

The first song was Jingle Bells. You can't really screw up Jingle Bells, and they didn't. They even threw in the Jingle bells, Batman smells, 15 miles away bit. Hey, I got to hear clearly what some of the other verses were, so that's always good.

The next song was called Green Christmas. It was an original, at least I think so. It's funny. We get sick of the same Christmas songs, but if someone makes an original, it can be iffy. This one was just kinda there. I couldn't get into the song at all.

Next was I Saw Three Ships. It was pretty, with mandolins and things, and they changed the rhythm up a bit. It was also a quick song, so you didn't get sick of it.

Next was a song called Hanukkah blessings. It started off with potential. Then it quickly degenerated, and I found myself tuning it out.

When I heard the next song, it just about made me want to hurl! It was O Holy Night. I was all geared up for some beautiful Barenaked Ladies harmonies. Did I get that? Hell no! I got what sounded like a child at a recital with a cheap keyboard using preset accompanyments and trying to jazz it up! My god, sing! You can sing, do it!

After that horror was another original, at least I hadn't heard it before. It was called Elf's lament and Michael Buble sang with them. It wasn't bad, and it sounded awesome after O Holy Shit back there.

Then there was another pretty song called Snowman. It was kinda lame, but hey, it's a Christmas album, sometimes you just have to get lame. I thought woohoo, we're on a role!

Nope, that would be too much to ask. They just had to cover the horror that is Do They Know It's Christmas. Ug I hate that song. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is about it, but it drives me friggin nuts. They did a fine job of covering it, because they made me hate it more. I just hate that attitude of thinking of those who have it worse off than you, but only to the extent that you should pity them and then happily gorge yourself on turkey. Fuck off. If you want to help, help. If you don't, don't. Sitting there and pitying people who don't have what you have just makes you a dick. Um, where did that rage come from?

Then they did a catchy little tune called Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah that I could see myself snapping my fingers or whistling. It was pretty cool.

I think the next song was the best one on the album. They sang with Sarah McLachlan and did this medley of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings. I would have never thought about mashing those songs together, but they did, and they did it beautifully.

And then! Oh why oh why was I taken back to the child's recital for a cheap rendition of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer? Puke! As soon as I heard the organs, I skipped the song!

Thankfully, they followed that up with something pretty, but creapy if you listen to it in headphones. They did this version of Carol of the Bells where the voices perpetually panned back and forth, making me dizzy. But it was pretty.

Next was another original called footprints. The melody was pretty, and I love the way the Barenaked ladies have this way of making the lines bleed together so the end of one starts another line. It's neat.

And then. They sang the words Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young over and over and over to the tune of Deck the Halls. Dumb.

They redeemed themselves with this cute little sappy song called Christmas Time Oh Yeah. It just sorta gave you that warm and fuzzy feeling about Christmas.

But could that last? Nope. They had to clatter out a horrid version of Sleigh Ride that sounded like something you might do if you're completely drunk and just want to belt out something christmassy. It didn't even have words. It consisted of Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, boppa doppa dop, boppa doppa dop, bop. And so on. Maybe I'm just cranky, but gimme a break.

Then they thought they should throw in an original. Too bad they had to choose a bad one. Christmas pics? It was so boring I tuned out.

Next, they put on a song that made me giggle and feel like a little kid. How many Christmas albums have I Have a Little Dreidel on them? Not very many.

Aa! I'm back in the kid's recital, and now the song is Wonderful Christmas Time. I know this song already sounds synthesized, but why did they have to make it worse? The melody is quacked out by what is trying to be...a muted trumpet? I think? and it's too hard to listen to. It's too bad they buried some singing in there, an acappela version of happy birthday dear jesus.

Mercifully, the album ended well. They did a nice vversion of Auld Lang-Syne. Sweet, I finally know how to spell that. If I had to guess, I wouldn't even be in the ballpark.

So, I'm glad I heard the album, but I'm glad I didn't buy it. It has some cool stuff, but some pretty crappy stuff too.

More Christmas Observations

Well, I survived the mall yesterday, and actually, I found that people weren't the mindless zombies I was expecting. They were quite helpful, and in a matter of a couple of hours, I got almost everybody done. Woohoo! We may have ourselves a merry little Christmas after all, and not in the lonely sort of way.

I can't believe the luck I was having yesterday. It's not very often you can walk into a store, ask if they have something, and holy crap they have it, and at a good price too!

I saw something yesterday that cracked me up. Usually, when I walk into Sears and ask for help, I get helped, but it's like the person isn't happy about it. Once, I got led to an aisle full of what I wanted, and then the person was just going to leave me there. Um, if I can't find the aisle, how am I going to pick out the thing I want from the aisle? But yesterday, when I asked for help to find the correct door outside the mall so I could get to a whole other plaza, the person was more than happy to help me. I can only think of two reasons why they were so eager. Either they were in the Christmas spirit, or they just love Trixie. I don't know which it is, but I have noticed that people who are usually cranky cheer right up when they see theTrixter. Yep, she's a charmer.

I had one more thought about Amazon that I didn't mention yesterday. I'm convinced they're creapy mind-readers. How else can I explain this? I was shipping something to someone, and I accidentally put my billing address in the shipping area. This address was different than the billing/shipping address they have on file. This is important. Realizing I screwed up, I went back, erased it, and put in where it was going. Then, when I went to put in my billing address, the address that I accidentally put in the shipping area materialized in the billing area. Not the address they had on file, but the address I just put in and then went and deleted. Creapy! I mean, it was what I wanted, but that's just creapy!

That's about it for now. Hope everybody's getting their shopping done and not having to run around like mad things.

Ho Ho Holy Shit It's Almost Christmas!

I just had a few Christmas thoughts, as I run around madly trying to get things done before I head to the land of dialup and choking computers. That's still a few days away, but I have a lot to do!

Am I the only one who, as a kid, thought that song about "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" was a very lonely song? I pictured someone living alone, putting up decorations around their wee apartment, trying to feel festive even though they were all by themselves. Either that, or I thought it was a sarcastic, mean-hearted song. It was like people were saying "Yeah, you go ahead and have yourself a merry little Christmas, asshole. Don't expect me to come knocking." I completely expect to be going out on a limb on this one, but I had to ask.

Why is it that on every other occasion, someone's birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving, we say "happy birthday," "happy easter," etc. but Christmas is always a merry Christmas? When someone says "happy Christmas," we look at them as if they are 2 and shake our heads! Why is that? The English language is a jerk.

I am so behind schedule on my Christmas shopping it's ridiculous. So, on Thursday, I went to a few websites where I can usually find gifts for people. Oy yoy yoy! Why is it that when you're running behind schedule, nothing is easy to find? If I have to see the words "out of stock, will ship when available," "will ship in four-six weeks," "Sold out!" or similar, one more time, I will cry. Also, here's a message for amazon.com. The inability to ship a product across the border is not "a slight problem." It's a fucking deal-breaker! How about just telling me I'm shit out of luck. don't have my hopes raised and then smashed to the floor and shattered. Ok, that was a little overdramatic, but I don't care.

On another note for the Amazon folk: Why in hell do you insist on showing me what others have also bought *after* I'm checking out? When you show me that while I'm browsing, that's fine, but when I say nope, I'm done shopping, you can stop showing me what the Joneses have also bought. I'm not trying to keep up with them. I'm just trying to buy a CD!

Also, that listmania and user reviews stuff can disappear right about now. Ug what a pile of clutter. Amazon has a lot of stuff, but good lord their store is annoying. They have a cleaned up, accessible version, but sometimes they skimp you on descriptions there. Yeah, because an image-free site is the place to skimp on description. Yup, that makes loads of sense.

I think I'm done complaining now. The only thing I wish for is for this month to slow the hell down! It's only two weeks until Christmas and I don't have anything for my whole family! Yep, I suck.

I hope others are having better Christmas shopping luck than I am. I'm off to the mall today, probably to get clobbered by backpack-laiden shoppers on a single-minded quest for that perfect thingamabob for Uncle Joe. Hope I can find some thingamabobs too.

Tell Me He Did Not Just Say That!

This is just funny. I never knew the closed captions were so inaccurate. Well, during the time of the Southern California fires, they really blew their comic relief load.

I read about this in Snopes, but since the silly folk didn't caption their picture, I couldn't laugh along. Luckily, Randy Cassingham thought enough of us blinks to write it out so we could read it.

Damn! Does this kind of stuff happen on a regular basis?

This Little Piggy Went Whine Whine Whine Whine Whine All The Way Home

Ok, there's a minor league team in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The team is called the Iorn Pigs. They have a mascot. It's name is Pork Chop. But apparently, it can be Pork Chop no more because that's some kind of slur against Hispanics. Or maybe, just maybe, it refers to a pig, and the team name is iron pigs, so that's all it is!

Man, people are way too sensitive. Had anyone else heard of this slur? If so, I sure have been living under a rock because I'd never heard of it. Tell me I'm not alone.

Christmas Is Coming, And There's Not Enough Goose Fat

Ok. This is just dumb. Goose fat has been sold for years with nobody really buying a whole ton of it. But since some girl, Nigella Lawson whoever she is, got on a talk show and said it was the best way to add flavour to your roast potato, everybody wants some, including big companies like McCains. Then, bird flu hit, killing off a third of the geese used for the fat, and people are wondering how they'll ever survive without it. Someone went as far as saying that they don't think there will be a "goose fat crisis."

I should hope not, it's goose fat! It's flavouring, and it's only in short supply because some supposedly important person said it was good. People can get duck fat, or, horror of horrors, find other ways of making their meal taste good. God, people, have you nothing real to get worked up about?

It Gives Me the Shakes Just To Think About It

So, Bulgaria needs another nuclear reactor, and they think that a fine location would be right in an earthquake zone, the same earthquake zone where 120 people died in, um, an earthquake. But that earthquake never happened. Nope, nope. Never happened.

What are they trying to do, kill more people. I think saying that "Bulgaria has a poor safety culture" is a huge understatement, similar to saying that earthquake never happened.

Who's Your Daddy?

Ok, this just sucks, and illustrates the point that if you agree to anything with any kind of importance, write it down and make everybody sign!

Back in the 80's, a physician who worked in the same hospital as a lesbian couple who wanted to have a baby decided to help them out by donating some sperm. Orally, they decided that he was not going to have any parental rights or anything, these two were going to be the parents. But you know how good a verbal contract is, right? It's not worth the paper it's written on.

Now that that kid is going to college, since the guy sent some cards and gifts and kept distant contact, the lesbian couple is trying to get court to say he is the daddy so he can send support payments, and they're succeeding, despite the fact that the court says this guy can't ask for a paternity test. What?

The way I understand the story, they say that since the guy kept some contact and sent gifts, then he assumed some parental responsibilities, so now he should pay. Let me get this straight. Any older person who sent any kid a gift is saying they're a second dad or mom?

I think this guy's biggest mistake was putting his name on the kid's birth certificate. That's the only place where the court sort of has a case. If he's going to state in a legal document that he's the dad...well...he's saying he's the dad. But everything else is bull. How can people who say the guy has no parental rights when the kid is a kid now say this guy's a parent when it's convenient? It's one way, or the other.

Ug. I don't know what else to say, except what a mess.

Time For A Newsflash! We're Not That Dumb!

I was reading the CNIB Insight newsletter that I somehow got subscribed to. I won't unsubscribe because that newsletter told me about the talks phone deal that got me to get a new cell phone. But today's newsletter was full of gems. It's Christmas, so CNIB was in full begging mode, so much so that it was almost sickening. I've seen their reaction to funds raised. It's not the most grateful. So it bugs the hell out of me to watch them beg.

But this gem was what got me to post. I lost the exact wording, damn computer and my deleting the newsletter, so I'll have to paraphrase. There was a section called ask the expert where the question was what can I buy my family member with vision loss? The expert's answer rambled on about the various over-priced products you can buy from their store if you don't know how to shop around. Then, the expert whipped out the following gem. It went something to the effect of... without a talking watch, your family member could unknowingly get up and make breakfast at 3 a.m. or get dressed at 4 a.m.

Give me a fucking break! Does "the expert" actually think blinks are that stupid? Sure, some of us may not be able to see that it's dark or light outside, but anyone older than 4 knows that when you wake up may not necessarily be time to rise and shine! There are other ways to tell what time it is! Turn on the TV or a radio for Christ's sake! If you have a computer, check the time on it! For those who have some vision, look around!

Sure, the watch is important. I won't deny that. But that example just makes us all out to be dumber than a box of rocks.

Smart Girls Would Not Listen To This Song

It's amazing to think that Brian Wilson, the man behind some of the greatest compositions in music history, is somehow the same person responsible for committing auditory atrocities such as
this one.

Christ this is some awful stuff.

Whshhhoooh . . . White Lightnin'

I can't put my finger on what exactly it is that makes
this story
so great. It could be a drunken man trying to shoplift a box of "giant red hot pickled sausages" from a grocery store at 3 AM while at the same time deciding to pay for a couple boxes of beer. it could be that when he was caught and asked to leave, he used a Krispy Kreme truck as his getaway vehicle. It could be the police giving chase while doughnuts flew from the back of said truck. Or it could simply be that there is a man walking this earth named Warren G. Whitelightning. I'm not sure which it is, but in any case, I'm sold.

She's Havin' MyBaby

I've seen firsthand how crazy new parents can be, but I can't think of any I've met who would be neurotic enough to shell out money for the crap featured on
this list of the most ridiculous baby products of the year.
Fake hands? A crying analyzer? Knee pads so the little guy doesn't hurt himself learning how to crawl? They're all here, along side stuff that might well be even dumber.

#1 - Zaky Pillow

This is a set of fake hands that lays against your newborn to trick her into thinking that it's you. It's almost too creepy for words. And wrong. So very wrong. Even the description is creepy: "Leave a hand with your child!" We'd like to see the studies of these poor babies 10 years from now who found out their loving parents were really disembodied mummy hands…

#10 - Pee Pee Teepee

Yes, we've all been peed on by our baby boys once or twice, but a fabric cone to set over their wee wee just in case? How long is it taking to change that diaper, and how long is he exposed that you really need a cover? And, p.s., we've seen the stream of pee in action. It's a large, large, arc that can shoot halfway around the room. You're telling us that much force against a tiny fabric cone won't A) shoot the cone around the room with the pee, or B) reflect the pee back at the baby himself. Yeah, we're not buying it. Literally. We're not buying it.

Click above for the full list, complete with pictures.

Stick Magnetic Ribbons On Your SUV

I can't explain how happy it makes me that somebody has finally written a
song
about all of the stupid support the troops merchandise people keep buying to make themselves feel better and like they're doing something worthwhile. Thank you, Asylum Street Spankers, thank you.

It's About Time

Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

If At First You Don't Succeed, Sometimes It's Ok Not To Worry About The Try Try Again Part

Today, like most days anymore, appears to be stupid day.

Earlier I
wrote
about a guy who got his shit fucked up by some pansies from Utah, and now, not even an hour later, there's something that might give that story a run for its money.

A Michigan burglar was surprised to find that a house he had entered was occupied by a man who had just returned from a hunting trip. Seeing that the man wasn't the type to just let some guy take his stuff and that there were in fact guns around [in particular the 12-gauge he was holding at the time], the perp wisely made an excuse about being in the wrong apartment and ran for his life, with gun-toting homeowner in hot pursuit. Moments later however, the thief, apparently feeling embarrassed by the encounter and far from content with having escaped, returned and told the man that he now had a gun and was going to kill him. The 2 wrestled over the weapon, causing it to discharge twice, the second bullet hitting the jackass in the leg, a leg that doctors say he
may end up losing.

All that's left to say, unless any of you can think of something, is hahahahahahahahahaha!

My Gang Can Beat Up Your Gang

I shouldn't have to tell any of you this, but if you ever find yourself tempted to question the toughness of an area's street gangs compared to that of the ones where you're from, just don't. Failure to heed this seemingly obvious warning is likely to land you in the same place as an unidentified man from either Texas or California [the police aren't sure], that being
a local hospital.

The man reportedly got into an argument outside a house near 1300 South and 1300 West over who had the toughest gangs, he said. The man said something to the effect that he didn't believe Utah gang members were as tough as those in other states, Wihongi said.

Apparently the group took offense and wanted to demonstrate their toughness, as the man was "assaulted en masse," according to a Salt Lake City police report. One shot also was fired during the beating, but no one was hit, Wihongi said.

The man fled into a neighboring house, entering through the back door of the unsuspecting residents. Police were called and found the man bleeding and crying inside a bathtub. He was taken by ambulance to a hospital to be treated for multiple blunt trauma injuries, including one on his head that was bleeding, Wihongi said.

This Bank Will Self-Destruct In Five Days.

Wow. Toy manufacturer Tomy has invented a piggy-bank to be released in Japan that, if you don't top it up, will explode, sending your coins everywhere. Then, as you're gathering up your coins, you are supposed to reflect on your laziness and inability to save. And get ready for this, it's called "the savings bomb."

It must be a culture thing, because I don't think I'd go and buy something which I knew would puke up all my pennies if I didn't religiously put stuff in it. What a weird thought.

USBlasphemy

this list of potentially offensive Christmas gifts is just funny. Christ on a motorbike? A toaster that stamps your bread with the Virgin Mary? A nativity scene including the Israeli security fense, complete with the wise men on the wrong side? Teddie-bear urns? But this is the reason it grabbed my attention. They have a virgin Mary memory stick so Mary can hold onto your computer files. Yee ha, more USB goodness. Have a look around and a good chuckle.

Was Everyone at Hershey On Drugs?

Yeah, this sounds like a great idea. Hershey has decided to put out a candy that looks remarkably like nickel bags of drugs. What could possibly go wrong? Hmmm. Let's see. People could get wrongfully arrested for eating candy. Kids could accidentally get a hold of bags of drugs and swallow their contents thinking they're candy. So what if the candy has the company's logo on it. Ever heard of a counterfeit? Now, they've created a way for dealers to try and sneak drugs past police. Just brilliant. What were they thinking?

Horse Shit From A Different Direction

I wasn't going to blog this, but it keeps calling me, begging to be mentioned.

There's a group home that owns 3 acres of property within the city limits. They want to have two miniature horses for therapeutic purposes. But because of some neighbours being worried about potential problems, the horses have been removed because of a zoning bylaw.

Ok, the horses aren't being kept in an apartment, they have a stable and a big area to run in. Their waste is being managed, and everything is being paid for by the home. They can't get out to the neighbours. Why not wait and see if the animals are going to be a problem and then invoke the bylaw? They had already been brought onto the property before they were removed, so it's not like removing them is a big hastle. God, some people are closed-minded and can't take things on a case by case basis.

300 Pounds Of Love?

Ug. No wonder she stole his wallet. I can't see a 300-pound prostitute getting much business. Wow I feel mean right about now. But I keep hearing the one quote they have of her repeating in my head, only in this horribly large voice. "Do you want a date?" *shiver*

Maybe It's Time To Make Some Room

Wow. I've bitched about people forgetting their kids in their cars before, but the story of Jennifer Carter loading them into the trunk because her car was too full of cargo to fit them where they should ride takes the cake.

Luckily, the kids weren't hurt, and mommy dearest is being charged, but good lord. Here's a tip for mommy dearest and others dumb enough to do this. Pack the things in the trunk and the people in the seats. Trunks are for things, seats are for people.

Sink Your Teeth Into This

I said a little while ago that we had too many creapy dentists. Well, we must, because a robo-dental patient has been created to be able to let a dental trainee know when something hurts. That's cool. But, this female look-alike's sensors include some on her breast area to detect if she has been touched inappropriately. Woe! This is such a problem that they have to screen it out in trainees? Yikes!

Three Wrongs Definitely Don't Make A Right.

Wow. A few months ago, at Rhode Island Hospital, a neurosurgeon relied on his memory to know which side of a patient's head had the problem and found out his memory wasn't so good, and the patient died. Fast-forward to November, at the same hospital, when another neurosurgeon opens the wrong side of another patient's head, and we learn that this latest case is the third case at this hospital in nine months, after a big review of their practices which happened after case no. 2 died. Um, yikes. I say again, if you need neurosurgery and you're in the Rhode Island area, if you can avoid that hospital, do it!

This Beats The Donzer Song Any Day

Oh my. I wish something like that could happen with our national anthem. I'm trying to think of what words someone could fuck up to make something nearly this amusing. Hmmm. Anybody got any ideas?

Basically, Tony Henry, an English opera singer who spoke 0 Croatian, was askd to sing the Croatian national anthem at Wembley for a soccer game that decided who went on to the Euro 2008 games. But instead of singing a line that said "you know, my dear, how we love your mountains," he sang "My dear, my penis is a mountain." And all he did was put an r where a d should have been! Wow!

Damn! Can you imagine an opera singer belting that line out with all his might? Just envision him thinking about how he doesn't know the words he's singing, but this is their national anthem, so he has to make it sound like he's just full, swelling, if you will, with mountainous...pride!

But here's the cool part. The Croatians are not offended! They think of him as a lucky omen because his blunder made the players laugh, and then they won, edging England out of qualifying for the Euro 2008 games. Isn't that just a kick in the, well, mountainous penis for Tony Henry?

I love his reaction. He's all serious, apologizing if he offended the Croatians and talking about how he would never intentionally sing about his "parts" like that.

Man, some stuff is just funny as hell. I think we need to take a lesson from the Croatians, and if something laughable happens in our national anthem, we should just have a chuckle about it and let it go.

Stop In The Name Of The Anthem

Man, I'm all for patriotism, but having all traffic stop for the National anthem sounds like a recipe for disaster. Thank god, when someone proposed that bit of legislation in Thailand, someone else thought they should think about it for a while.

Imagine if you missed the memo? Then, after you smashed into your fellow motorist, would emergency vehicles have to stay stopped until the song was over? What if an ambulance was racing to save someone. Would they have to stay stopped? And even if they were given the ok to go ahead, they couldn't move anyway with all the stopped motorists. Yeah, this is for the good of the country.

It's A Real Cool Pub, And You're Not Part Of It

Maybe I'm crazy, but the idea of a bar setting up a swipe card system to keep the crazy drunks out just sounds dumbest of dumb. But that's what the Pelham Buckle in Britain is doing.

Here's the first reason this just seems idiotic. How many times do people try out a new bar just for the hell of it? Isn't it like shooting yourself in the foot to keep new people from finding your bar? Sure, some of them could be drunken fools, but some of them might become regulars. The way it's set up now, you have to hope none of your regulars move, or die, or get pissed off at the way things are run and stop coming.

Second, what if one of your regulars becomes a crazy drunk? What if one day, he has a really shitty run of luck, he goes to your bar to drown his sorrows, and goes nuts? Are you going to have to change the card and reissue them to everyone but him? Good people can go bad.

Third, how does a customber become a regular? What if they are a perfectly good guy, but only go there sometimes? Is it *clang* no booze for them because they don't go there more than once a week?

And here's the final stupidity. More pubs are looking at this system as a solution to keep out the roudies. I think they'd better change their name from pub to something else, because doesn't "pub" signify public? This isn't so public anymore. I guess they'd be privs then?

Special Water For Woofer

Good lord this is stupid. Some people are throwing money away buying bottled water. Now, they can throw money away buying bottled water for their pets!

The company, Aquience, says that all pets, but particularly cats, aren't getting enough liquid in their diet, and are getting urinary disorders. So they decided to sell bottled water just for the furry members of the household. What makes the water marketed to them? Aquience put what they called natural attractant in the bottled water, so the pets will drink more of it. So instead of giving them just regular water, you can give them water laced with something to make it taste like meat, so they can drink more of it, so along with the water, they can get more of this weird syntho-meat crap. Yeah, I don't think their aim is really to get animals to drink more water for the sake of their health. They're just trying to get in on the ridiculousness that is the bottled water market. But people will buy silly things for their pets, so I'll bet it'll sell like crazy.

Bad Taste Moved Here

Well, it's official. We can get KFC failure piles in sad bowls in Canada now, but instead of "famous bowls", they're calling them "chicken bowls". I still look at that and go blech! But I'm curious as to why they're selling so well. Anybody know? I don't think I'm brave enough to try one.

And does anyone else notice that the slogan for KFC has changed from "big taste lives here" to "taste lives here"? What? What does that even mean? It's amazing that they managed to take a dumb slogan and turn it even dumber. What kind of taste lives here. We'll never know. Now that I think about it, judging from these bowls, I think we do.

A Gold Medal In Huh?

I was reading some new posts on the Mercury's
From The Editors blog
when I stumbled across
this,
which has me profoundly confused.

On the night of November 10, 2007 we slashed five tires on three dump trucks at the Reids Heritage Homes facility on Hood Street.

This was the first time we've ever done something like this. We did it because we want to do our part to stop the 2010 Olympic games in Vancouver, B.C. and the developments and gentrification associated with it.

Coast to coast, in every town and every city business as usual needs to be ground to a halt. As far as Guelph is concerned, we'll do our part if you do yours!

We are everywhere.
-anonymous

We've made the case several times especially over the last couple of years that the activist types around here are pretty damn nuts and not all that bright, but this one might just take the out of context stupidity cake. If you want to correct me feel free, but you've got some work to do, mainly explaining how A the childish vandalism of a couple of trucks on a non Olympics related construction site half way across the country is going to stop one of the world's biggest sporting events from taking place 3 years from now, and B how causing damage that can be fixed in a few minutes by a guy with a wrench is going to grind the wheels of business to a halt. I think I get the part about the gentrification of Vancouver, but is that a real problem where the Olympics are concerned? I'd love it if somebody who has lived or does live in a city that's hosted them could enlighten me.

I often read things like this and wonder if these people are on drugs. If they aren't, I suggest they get on some soon. Anything to make the voices stop and the clouds go away.

I've got no problem with people sensibly demonstrating for a cause, but a lot of what goes on here lacks any semblance of that. it's kind of sad because even when they're standing up for what's right, they go about things in such a wrong headed way that it taints everything they do. Hopefully one day they'll start wising up and realizing it. Only then will their message start being taken seriously, and only then will they perhaps start to see some of the change they're looking for.

Thank God

NHL approves new schedule format.
And only 3 seasons too late.

Honestly, I can't figure out why they ever bothered changing it in the first place. The reason that was always floated around was that they wanted to create new divisional rivalries and strengthen existing ones, but anybody with a clue should have been able to see that they were going about it the wrong way. If you want people to anticipate rivals squaring off, you need to give them time to anticipate it. Having the Leafs play Ottawa seemingly every second or third game doesn't make it special, it makes it routine, and if there's one thing a rivalry should never be, it's routine.

I'm also glad to hear that they have once again figured out that with 30 teams and 82 games there's more than enough time for everyone to play everyone else at least once a season, rather than every couple of years like we get under the current system. Why this was ever changed is beyond me, but I'm glad it's going to be made right.

Some people might argue that the current schedule has been good for business and in some respects it has, but how long could it have lasted? You can only see the same thing so many times before you burn out on it and don't care anymore. I can't speak for everybody, but whenever I look at Toronto's schedule and see another game against Ottawa or Boston or what have you, I cringe and just think christ, not again! Everything needs variety, and no matter how good the games between certain teams are, hockey is no different.

So bring on next season, I can't wait. it'll be awesome to see different things again, like the Leafs crumbling in the third against a greater number of teams in front of new fans in different buildings. Woo!

Love And Marriage...And Plugs And Whining

Well, long time, no chat. I'd apologize for not being around a whole lot over the last little while, but to be honest, I doubt any of you really missed me all that much if you missed me at all.

So where have I been? Well for starters, my sleep has gone to hell in a handbasket lately to the point where it's been all I can do to carry on conversations or even remember things I just heard. I managed to send a few things to Carin for posting and leave a comment here and there, but that's about it.

Besides that, I managed to find enough energy to do some family visiting and watch part of a concert over the weekend.
Band.Zero,
who I'm pretty sure I've mentioned here a time or 2 before, have done some recording and now have shiny new CD's to give away. That's right, give away. I got mine on Saturday at their release party but if you missed out, and judging from the turnout you probably did, why not head over to the MySpace linked above and ask for one? Whether or not they'll stop being assholes for a few minutes and drop one in the mail for you is anybody's guess, but hey, it's worth a try. If you do, tell 'em Steve sent ya. it won't make your odds of getting one any better, but why not?

I finally listened to my copy this morning, and I have to say that it's pretty decent for a first effort from a bunch of guys who know fuck all about recording and were learning as they went. My biggest problem with it is that there's too much compression on everything which makes the music sound way too processed. When you're listening to loud punk rock it should sound fun and loud, not digitally held down. But that aside, I enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to the next one.

That's all for now. Wow, hell of a post this was. Sorry for wasting everybody's time. In an effort to make it up to you, please accept this
video of Al Bundy making fun of fat chicks
as a token of my appreciation for you all...even the fat ones. And note to the blind people: You'll have to press the pause button to get it to start, just so you know.

Ok, bye for now.

Yep, That's Definitely A Disaster

Here I go again, ragging on Britain. But in this case, I think they deserve a whole hell of a lot more.

A junior official decided that the best way to send two computer disks full of the bank account and personal info of every British citizen receiving the child benefit, i.e. every family in Britain, i.e. 25 million British people, between government departments would be to a. not encrypt the data, b. not track it, and c. hand it over to a bike courier. Anybody see where this is going?

Those disks have now mysteriously disappeared, some British officials are resigning, and the Prime Minister is "profoundly regretting and apologizing for the inconvenience and worries this has caused millions of families." Uh, inconvenience and worries? That's kind of like saying that a few people died when the Titanic went down.

They say the police are involved, and there's no sign of criminal activity...yet. But that's a big yet. Let's hope and pray, for the sake of all those families, that the disks are lost in a dumpster somewhere, now unusable, keeping all that info out of the wrong hands.

The Most Horriblest Song Of My Life

Ug. I heard a horrid song on the radio. This wouldn't be all that special, there are lots of horrid songs on the radio. But this song made me want to kill its author. It was called Lonely Day, and System of a Down unleashed this attrocity on us. So why was this song so unbelievably horrid? There was one line that kept repeating. The line was "The most loneliest day of my life."

Pardon me? I know all about poetic license, but even if they did that on purpose, it still sounds completely stupid! It's one of those things that makes me jump when I hear it, the same way hearing someone saying "I seen" is like a fingernail going down a chalkboard for me. I keep picturing this tiny little kid saying "This is the most yummiest chocolate bar ever!"

I mustn't be the only one who thinks it sounds dumb dumb dumb. There's a whole forum thread on the subject.

I don't know what it was, but this song really bugged me today. Am I nuts? Oh yeah, I am. this has already been established.

And Now, Back To Your Regularly Scheduled USB Absurdity

Did you really think that there would be two useful USB products in a row? Not a friggin chance!

Now, if the USB scented oil burner isn't enough risk for you, its makers have created a USB greenhouse!

It comes with some seeds, some soil, a grow light, and a program that will tell you how your plants are doing, or remind you to water them. Yeah, because watering something near your computer is a smart, smart idea. I have this sneaking suspicion that Brando, the company making these things, is trying to thin the herd.

If you really don't have faith in your ability to keep a plant, I think a safer option would be the Botanicalls service.

What Do You Think Of This Little Sucker?

Wow, a USB gadget that's halfway useful. Now you can suck up your crumby post-lunch mess with a little wee USB vacuum. They say it really works. Well, if it does, I think that's the first maybe sorta kinda useful USB gadget so far.

Deado the Clown

Wow. It seems our dear old buddy Klutzo the clown, i.e. pedo the clown, is now dead from a taser shot. Man, there's been a lot of taser deaths lately.

It sounds like this guy was quite the fighter. I mean, he got two tasings in one day! Ok, buddy, learn that if you fight hard enough, you're going to get zapped again.

Phew! That Makes Me Feel So Much Better!

Wow. We have now found out that our anesthesiologist prick with too few needles didn't use the same needle. He used several, and used them over and over and over. And that makes it sooo much better.

We do have his name now, though. It's Dr. Harvey Finkelstein.

It's Not Me, Eh, Sir!

Wow. This is just dumb. Police are looking for Anthony Johnson, a black dude. Somehow, they get his license number mixed up with that of Andrew Johnson, a white dude, and Andrew Johnson gets grabbed.

He's released, but his license is suspended until he can prove that he isn't Anthony Johnson! Hellooo! How hard is it for the police to just realize it's an oops? In the meantime, the guy can't drive anywhere, and has to be driven by his mom.

Here's something else equally scary. The police department has an entire "it's not me" unit to deal with mistaken identity cases, and this unit usually takes 3 weeks to fix a mistake. Christ! How many mistaken identity cases are we dealing with here?

I'm still amazed that they consider the burden of proof in the case of a mistaken identity to fall on the victim. In this particular mistaken identity, the one they want is black, the guy they got is white. Can't they bend the rules a little and just clear the poor innocent guy?

Passed Out Where? In A What? With A Who?

• A dude breaks into a garage,
• then gets scared off to a neighbour's garage,
• where he steals a mountain bike, a lawn mower, a stuffed toy and a blanket,
• returns to the first garage,
• and is found two hours later
• passed out in a boat
• with his pants down
• next to the now anatomically correct stolen stuffed dog?

What the? Some stuff is just too funny. I first read this, thought this wasn't bloggable, but couldn't stop laughing, showed it to Steve, and we both couldn't stop laughing. Ok, ok, it's going up here. I think this rivals our bongo drum Teddie-bear shrine-creating burglar of last November.

Suddenly, $35 Doesn't Seem Like That Much

Just picture the complete suckery that a day like the one described in this story would entail. It definitely outsucks subjecting your taste-buds to a vegan brownie!

Man is mugged at gas station, man chases after mugger in his car, man gets out to chase him on foot leaving keys in ignition, completely unrelated men steal his car!

I definitely wouldn't want to be the mugger he was pursuing, because if the man caught that guy...well...the rage of having his car stolen might take over and that mugger might receive all of it, and that would be a lot of rage.

He's No Nird?

My mom used to think I was weird because I figured out a system where I could calculate what day of the week a given date was in a certain year. um, er, I think I've been beaten. I would be arrogant to even say that if you could quantify our weird abilities, that that little trick of mine would be the 13th route of his number-crunching powers. And I'm not even that good at it anymore.

Roachbots?

I'm going to look like a conspiracy theorist, but this is just weird. A bunch of Washington scientists built robo-cockroaches and sent them out to see if they could infiltrate and influence real ones. They had to spray them with pheromones to fool the little crawling critters, but they did it. They say it's to study the leaderless group behaviour of cockroaches. Is there a bigger picture here? I'd like to think that we're harder to fool than a cockroach, but....you never know.

No Really, the Mice Were Part Of The Presentation.

Gees, with the amount of money people pay to have desserts at this eatery, you'd think the eatery could afford to call an exterminator. Nope, so it's shut down. No one will be buying $25000-sundaes anymore. Jesus! $25000? Why? You're going to eat it! I know it has eddible gold and the finest cocoa, but...you're just going to eat it! I like to have something to show for it if I pay $25000 for something. People who can afford to have these things, can I borrow your wallets?

That Would Suck Ass!

*shiver* I'll never think of pool drains the same way. Some of them have the power to suck your intestines through your ass? Ugugugug!

Woe! Egg Nog Contains Eggs!

What do you think you are going to find in a jug of egg nog? Since it is *egg* nog, I would think a reasonable person would deduce that it contains eggs. Am I wrong? Apparently, I am, and the poor folks at Smiling Hill Farm have to hand-stick labels on all the caps on the jugs of egg nog telling people it contains eggs so their product won't be recalled. The FDA says it has to clearly say the product contains eggs, so folks allergic to eggs won't buy it.

It's egg! nog! If you're too stupid to realize that egg! nog! contains eggs, maybe you should take a good ol' slug of it, see what happens, and smarten up.

Anything To Declare? yeah, A Dead Man, Thanks To You!

I hope I never need some kind of emergency ambulance transport across the border. If I do, I hope the ambulance carrying me doesn't get stopped by Customs Officers, like happened to poor Rick Laporte. The man had a heart attack, needed emergency angioplasty, and the closest place to go was Detroit. His heart stopped twice on the way, and he needed to be revived. But despite being given a police escort, the Customs nimrods flagged the ambulance over, asked the driver to get out, then asked him to open the back door so the dying man could verbally confirm his name!

What would these assholes have done if this guy had suffered a stroke rendering him speechless? What if he was unconscious? Idiots! Idiots! Idiots! With all the keenness for tasers lately, I wish the cops had used one on that moron. The man's dying, get out of the way! Bzzz!

Lucky for these imbeciles at the border, Mr. Laporte made it to the hospital, and is recovering. I still think someone should sue the bastards. Come on, guys, use common fucking sense. It's an ambulance with a police escort! Get out of the goddamn way!

What's Popping Out Of My Popcorn?

Ok, I'm about to look nutty cuckoo, but maybe there's a chance in hell that someone thinks the same way I do about this. Steve says this is one of the few things I say that makes him stare at me and go "huh?" Oh well.

Does anyone else get creeped out by the way the dude in the Orville Redenbacher flavour shakers commercials says, "surprise!" It never really crossed my mind until I saw it late at night one night. Ever since, I keep getting these horror movie visions, like instead of ketchup being on your popcorn, it's now covered in blood! Surprise! There's just something very wrong with the way the guy says it, and it bothers me that usually right before he says it, you hear a splatting sound.

I'm probably a very sick and twisted human being, but...am I the only sick and twisted human being on this front?

There! Is! No! "they"!

Ah crap! I forgot one big thing in my last post. But I think it needs mentioning.

I was sitting waiting for someone yesterday. I didn't expect it to be that cold, so I didn't put Trixie's coat on her. I felt so bad, because the sensitive little Californian pooch was shivering and shaking. I made sure she didn't lie down, because I thought if there was a definite way to get cold, laying belly-first on the cold ground would be it. So I got her to sit between my knees so I could at least try to keep her warm.

Just then, a woman bustled over to me and plopped down beside me. "Oh the poor dog! The poor poor dog! She's so cold!" she chirped. I told her I wasn't expecting to be out this long, and was going right back inside, so I didn't throw her coat on her. "Oh!" she said. Plus, I said that she came from California, and so she's not used to the cold yet.

After hearing these words, the woman got all upset. "That's horrible! When they're raising puppies right here, why would they send you to California? Oh, it's not right, oh oh it's not right!"

I told her that "they" didn't send me anywhere, I chose to go to California because the school had the best reputation. I had asked others who live in Canada how their pooches handled the change in climate, and they said they adapted well, so I went. Then she didn't know what to do. I was surprised that she didn't get appalled at me for doing this to the poor thing. Hell, if she was that upset at some unknown hidden force that she thought had packed me off to California, why wouldn't she be just as mad when she found out I was the guilty one? Oh yeah, she wouldn't want to actually stand up for what she believed in when truly faced with it.

I'm still amazed that so many people think that there's some benevolent force handing out guide dogs and we don't have to do any work to get one. Let me say, for at least the second time on this blog, that getting a guide dog is a lifestyle choice, and the people who get them choose that path, and choose what school they go to. It is not a right of passage for blinks. In fact, the ones with dogs are a pretty small percentage. A very obvious small percentage, but small, nonetheless.