I'm Sleepy

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, but it's the holidays anyway, you should be out celebrating something. The site will still be here in January when the so-called "Christmas vacation" is over. By the way, whoever came up with that term needs to be slapped mightily and repeatedly. It might be time away from the regular grind, but a vacation it most certainly is not. I always thought that the idea behind a vacation was to slow down, relax, and then come back rested and recharged with the ability to put renewed energy into whatever it is that you need to be putting energy into, not running all over the universe in an even more rushed fashion than usual. I'm not trying to slag Christmas or anything, but it seems like very few people actually get to take an honest to goodness vacation this time of year. They just trade in one set of stresses for another one and wind up coming back to everything in January even more tired and angry than they were before they left.

But speaking of Christmas, mine has been great so far. It generally is even though living in a 3-sided family makes things kind of hectic. It's always nice to get home to see family and friends, and when some of those people have stuff to give you, it's even better.

But one of the things I was given is still making my head spin. Ok, I suppose it wasn't technically a Christmas gift, but it was still given to me around Christmas, so I'm counting it. But when it was given to me isn't the important thing. The important thing is that I am now the proud owner of several packages of frozen SpaghettiOs. Feel free to stop and read that again, or if you don't feel like going back, I'll type it out one more time. Frozen SpaghettiOs. It wasn't a gag gift (at least not in that sense) that somebody put together to be funny, the Campbell Soup Company actually makes and sells these things. How they manage to sell them I'll never understand, but somehow, they do.

For the benefit of anyone who has never had the misfortune of seeing these things, here's a quick description for you. They're SpaghettiOs in a bag, and they're frozen. That's about it really. They're just harmless icy blocks of pasta-like substance in a plastic bag. But what I can't figure out is who exactly are these for and who came up with the idea and why. Who was the person who sat there staring at an ordinary can of SpaghettiOs and thought to himself, "cans are stupid. Somebody really ought to put these things in a bag. And not only should that person put them in a bag, but he should also freeze them while he's at it, because SpaghettiOs aren't quite watery enough as they are, and I have no doubt that the extra moisture that gets into everything when you thaw it out would do nothing but wonders for the flavour and texture"? And who's buying these things? When has there ever been a situation that would make something that is perfectly fine when canned more convenient when you need to first thaw it out and then spend the next 5 minutes trying to get it open and force pasta circles and sauce through plastic that neither one has any desire to come out of? I just don't get it. I understand why we have both frozen and canned vegetables, but I just cannot for the life of me get my head around the need for a bag of SpaghettiOs. I've never seen fresh ones, so why freeze them? It would be like putting a TV dinner in a can. But maybe I should stop right there before I give somebody another brilliant idea.

Ok, I'm off to get ready for my New Year's party now, but before I go, here's the next part of the
Top 50 Wrestlers Countdown.
Enjoy and I'll talk to you all soon, most likely once things have a chance to settle down a little. Happy New Year.

Thought Salad, Munch Munch!

Well hello all. I hope everyone's having or has had a good holiday, and is now full of turkey/desserts/whatever else you might have eaten/drank over the past few days. I had a good holiday, it was pretty cool to see my sister back on this side of the pond since she spent almost 2 years in Korea teaching English. I didn't have any huge monumental things happen to me, just your usual run of the mill holiday fun, but a bunch of stuff ran through my head, and since the next few days are bound to be chaotic, here's the pile of stuff that ran through my head. Let's divide it into the good and the bad, the yea and the boo!

Yea: Getting an Ipod shuffle for Christmas rocks. I think it's the only mp3 player without a screen on it. So there's a chance that this bumbling blink might be able to figure it out. That was like woe way over the top from my brother. Also, getting a pile of funky Korean souvenirs rocks. I now know I was born in the year of the sheep.

boo: To all you morons with guns in Toronto, piss off with your random shooting sprees. Seriously, how senseless, thoughtless, and absolutely fucking stupid is it that some armed lunatics in a BMW fired into a random crowd of boxing day shoppers on a busy street? I mean, it's bad enough that there's gang violence going on, it's bad enough that young lives are being wasted over some differences in gang territory or who the hell knows what, it's bad enough that there are more funerals needed after a shooting at a funeral. But at least those shootings were connected, and maybe there was a reason to explain why those people got shot. I'm not saying it was right that some 50 people died this year in Toronto because of that stuff. But I guess it kind of makes sense. It's kind of like when someone gets burned after they put their hand on the stove. Well, if they hadn't put their hand on the stove, they wouldn't have gotten burned. It doesn't make it any less painful, but you can understand it happening. But to fire into a crowd of completely innocent bystanders? What in hell is that? That's like someone turning on the stove and it exploding in their face, except a stove explosion, in most cases, isn't carried out by people with minds enough to understand that what they're about to do is bad. IT's an accident. Someone sticking a gun out their BMW's window and pulling the trigger is not a fucking accident. It's a disgusting lack of respect for human life, and it makes me sick.

Yea: well now that I've let out I guess the heaviest part of the post, I'm happy to hear that that horrible excuse for a television show "growing Up Gotti" has been canned. God, that show just drove me nuts whenever I watched a bit of it. I think it's about x-mob-boss John Gotti's daughter raising her 3 obnoxious teenagers, and being a super bitch about everything to everyone. I mean, to do a whole episode about preventing her son from going to college in Boston just because she doesn't want him to leave the nest is a waste of TV time. I'm glad the ratings agree with me, and, good riddance, hopefully those boots that are made for walkin' don't get slammed in the door on the way out.

Boo: What is with the huge amount of porn spam today?! Is it porn spam day or something? Or maybe it's Give a Few Grannies Cardiac Arrest Day. Seriously, I opened my spam folder, and just about puked. I usually get a mix of spam trying to sell me cheap software, spam trying to make my absent member bigger, spam selling me cheap drugs of all kinds and mortgage deals, and the scams from Mrs. el googoogoo from the state of walawalablablabla trying to get my banking information so she can make me rich beyond my wildest dreams, and, sprinkled in there, some really nasty gems describing the porn I can have a look at if I just go to their site. They're not just, well, making vague references to what I can have. You know the ones. There's usually references to children or animals, and lots of descriptive words like oozing, squirting, dripping, ok I'm going to stop before I lose my lunch.

Well, today, I had nothing in my spam folder but those gems! What is with that? Talk about your Christmas gift.

yea: That's some awesome not so wintery weather. Hey there, mother nature! If you can hear me, you can just keep doing that for a little while. Any time I can be spared from freezing all extremities off in the bone-chilling cold would be awesome. I know, I'm a giant wimp, and I should just deal with it, after all, this is Canada. But we can all find something we don't like about where we live, and this is it for me.

Boo: I've run out of stuff to say. Unless a miracle happens, I probably won't get around to writing anything up here until after Newyears. So happy Newyear everyone, and stay safe so you can come back and read more in 2006.

More Countdown Goodness

Salty Ham's Top 50 Wrestlers: # 30 to 21.

Ok, I'm going back to being full and sleepy now.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Well, it's early, and I'm getting ready to head home to my parents' house. Ah my parents' house, with the good food, family, and...dialup! Eeek! So if you don't hear from me in a little while, that's why. Plus, I'll be doing the family/friends-visiting trek that's always insane. So before I disappear into the wild blue yonder, I just want to say, have a safe and happy holiday everyone, and I'm sure I'll be back with stories in the new year...if not sooner.

Did You Ever Wonder?

The other day when everyone was sure we were going to have the snow storm to end all snow storms, I had the oldies station on because they're better at giving updates on weather and local crap, and I noticed something. Have you ever noticed how, in songs, when they talk about girls, I can't say always, but a lot of the time, it's in child-like terms? Little girl? Child? Baby? And the guy is her...daddy? And when you think about that, don't you find that a wee bit disturbing? Do we all have some kind of latent pedophilia going on?

I remember being confused by that as a kid. I remember thinking briefly, why is that man talking to his baby like that? Babies are those things that go waa waa and are in strollers right? And then it happened so much that I guess I figured out that it wasn't an actual baby he was talking about. But now that I'm grown up, I feel like I've gone full circle, because I still think it's weird. Does anyone else think so? Or have I lost my marbles?

People are Funny

I was walking home through this giant pile of slush that is our town right now, and something happened to me that I should have mentioned when I was bitching about the things people do when I'm walking around. I got off the bus, but it had stopped a bit short of the curb. So someone was good enough to warn me about that, which was cool. Now here came the fun. I walked forward and my cane hit a giant bank of snow. As I'm trying to figure out the best way around it, a voice said very slowly, "She's going to walk into a huge pile of snow!" Ok, instead of taking up play by play commentary, how about saying, "Go left." or "go right."

But that one I can sorta understand. Maybe she was thinking out loud, just really....really...slowly. But it made me think about something people do. They love to talk about me in third person when I'm right there. Sometimes it's to the person I'm with. "Where is she going?" and sometimes it's to each other. "Look at that girl with the cane. How old do you think she is? Where is she trying to go?" It's like they think I'm deaf. How about asking me? You might get an intelligent answer.

Cut the Drama!

Does this drive you as nuts as it drives me? You're scrolling down through your msn contacts. You see people's names, a lyric or two, a funny quote...and then a complete display of overdone mush! Sometimes it's something like "I love my honey bunny shnookums buttercup!" or something equally as nauseating. Or, if the flavour of the week didn't work out for that person, as it's usually these types who flock to the overdone mush-pot, it's "Woe is me, there is a whole where my heart once was, oh how will I ever live?" I saw one tonight that brought back why I hate these displays of meaningless sap. It was in French, and the poor unfortunate soul couldn't even spell. But what he tried to say was "I need a new spirit because this one's empty." I called him to see what all the fuss was about. Do you want to know what was wrong? He was just tired because he finished his exams. Wouldn't "so tired" or "phew I'm done exams" have sufficed? Empty spirit? When I think of empty spirits, I think suicide, depression, horrible family tragedy, or something equally bad. I don't think semester's end.

Please, people, save the profound for when it is actually necessary. That way, if something big does happen to you, I'll actually notice and not think it's so much neaningless drivel. I get enough pointless sap in the
hug certificates you send me. And don't use your msn name as a place to proclaim your undying love or infinite heartbreak. I love to hear about it, but not in that way. It's the electronic equivalent of planting a big sloppy French kiss on your significant other or having a lover's quarrel in front of a crowd. So disgustingly public!

I'm not saying I don't like to hear about something that's going on in people's lives on msn names. It's just when it goes right over the top that I get a little fed up. Please, people, cut it out!

The Year In Weird News

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

More Plugs, More Rants

I Hope that everybody's doing well and that if you do that sort of thing, that your Christmas shopping is almost done. Mine is just about finished. I have to buy things for about 4 or 5 more people, and I know what I'm going to get all but 2 of them. So, does anybody have any ideas for what I should get my Mom and Dad? If you do I'd appreciate them, they're really hard to buy for this year. Just keep in mind before you suggest anything that my Mom isn't your typical Mom and that there's a pretty good chance that my Dad will be too drunk to remember what I got him anyway. I don't generally make talking about my personal life a habit, but the guy's so messed up that he can't even remember which year the whole family left him, how sad is that? I love to drink and I've had a lot of fun doing it, but Jesus Christ, what that stuff does to some people is just tragic. I thank my lucky stars every day that I took more after my Mom and didn't inherit my Dad's addictive personality.

But enough about that. While we're talking about Christmas, I need to say something. I am by no means a religious person, but can we please knock off all of this "holiday tree" bullshit? It's a Christmas tree. that's what it's called, that's what it is. It's a symbol of Christmas in the same way that a menorah is a symbol of Hanukkah, but you don't hear me talking about the menorah like it's nothing more than some sort of fucked up candle holder. What ever happened to live and let live? Sure, Christmas is everywhere, but it always has been. We live in a part of the world where the celebration of Christmas in either it's marketed or religious forms is taken part in by a majority of the citizenry, and there's no good reason to change that because we also live in a part of the world where everyone, be they majority or otherwise, is free to celebrate whatever he wants whenever he chooses. If I want to wish somebody a merry Christmas on my way to the mall where I'll then proceed to spend way too much money on shit that my friends are probably going to hate and bring back as soon as the stores open up again, it's my right to do that. By the same token, if you want to be a miserable prick because somebody has the nerve to be who they are, it's your right to do that, just don't fuck with my symbols while you're doing it, that's all I ask.

It's kind of strange being back in my own house after spending so much time away from it in the last little while. I think that in some ways I still haven't adjusted to living alone, because every time I come back here I'm always amazed to discover that everything is still exactly where I put it before I left. I'm not sure if I'll ever entirely get used to that.

Ok, time for a couple of plugs.

Salty Ham's countdown of the Top 50 Current Wrestlers is still rolling along, and the second part of it is now posted
here
for your reading pleasure. Or maybe pleasure isn't the right word, you make the call.

And before I go, I wanted to let everybody know that Flagg is back! He writes about TV now, and just like before, he's still all kinds of awesome. You can check out his newest column by clicking
here.

Ok, I'm gone for now. I'm sure you'll hear from me before too long, but just in case you don't, have a safe and happy holiday season no matter what you're celebrating. that even goes for you politically correct sacks of shit out there who don't want me to celebrate anything. What can I say, I'm feeling charitable, it is Christmas after all.

Breathe In The Name Of The Law!

Mayor wants to ban death.

"The mayor of a Brazilian town is trying to bring in a law making it illegal for residents to die.

"Mayor Roberto Pereira da Silva, of Biritiba-Mirim, came up with the idea because the town's only cemetery is full.

"He wants to bring in a law that would see relatives of people who die before their time face fines or even jail."

I'll never understand the whole "before their time" thing no matter how many times I hear it, especially when it keeps coming from those people who think that everything is "God's will." If it's God's will and he does everything when it's time to do it according to some sort of "divine plan" he's cooked up, then how can any death be a premature one? When you're supposed to go, then you're gone, no matter how or when you go. You can't have it both ways, pick a side and stick with it. Mark that down as another problem I have with the whole religion thing. Too many logic gaps for me.

As a small side note, this story has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with physical space, but I needed to throw that out there because those "God knows everything" people drive me endlessly up the friggin wall.

If There Was a Net God...

I read the ten net commandments from the Spyware Weekly Newsletter, and they're bang on. Anyone who doesn't already follow these rules should start. I guess I'm partially breaking no. 2, but only in the safest possible way.

Note: When he says every second Tuesday, he means the second Tuesday of every month.

1. Thou shalt not buy merchandise found in pop-up ads or spam.
2. Thou shalt not post thy email address, phone number, address or social security number to the internet, nor shalt thou post anyone else's.
3. Thou shalt not forget to update thy Windows every second Tuesday.
4. Thou shalt not connect to the internet without installing an antivirus, nor shalt thou begin a scan without checking for updates.
5. Thou shalt not connect to the internet without installing a firewall.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's credit card number, nor his bank routing number, nor his social security number.
7. Thou shalt not enter thy credit card number without seeing the tiny padlock icon on thy status bar.
8. Thou shalt not reply to the email from the Nigerian banker.
9. Thou shalt not forward chain letters to thy friends and family.
10. Thou shalt not use "password", nor thy birthday, nor thy children's names, as thy password.

Pretty Weirdness

I hate to throw something like this on top of Carin's great post about the shelter, but like they say, the show must go on. By the way, who are They? I know a million people have asked that question, but none of them have ever been able to answer it. Ok, there's always
this guy,
but I'm not counting him since he just decided to become the answer last year in a rather creative attempt at cashing in on his 15 minutes of fame, and surely the real They have been around longer than he has, so his little publicity stunt means next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. And it's at this point that it dawns on me once again that I sure do spend a lot of time thinking about stupid crap. I'm not sure how healthy it is, but hell if I'm stopping, it's somehow worked for me up to now. Why tamper with marginal success I always say.

Wow, I actually had to look up at the title to remember what my point was supposed to be. Guess my fingers kind of got away from me for a minute there. And is it just me, or does that last sentence sound far more disgusting than it should?

Ok, after all that, let's talk music!

Does that new INXS song "Pretty Vegas" weird you people out as much as it does me? I don't know about you guys, but whenever I hear that song I always have to stop for a second and remind myself that this is 2005, that's JD Fortune singing, and that Michael Hutchence is most certainly still dead. He might still be hanging from the hotel doorknob for all I know, but wherever he is, he ain't singing on that song. But even though I know that, the lengths to which Hutchence 2K5 goes to sound exactly like him are extremely frightening to me. I'm so bothered by this that I can't even enjoy Vegas for the not bad song that it is. Maybe it's because I can't get over the fact that I was fooled into thinking it was an old INXS song and it took me like 4 minutes to realize I was wrong when I'm usually the guy who knows that kind of thing in about 4 seconds, or maybe it's because I can't get the damn thing out of my head, but whatever it is, this song has started driving me nuts. It's gotten to the point where I'm seriously considering dropping way more cash than anybody should have to for an INXS album just for the sake of hearing what the rest of it sounds like. Isn't that sad? Ok, you don't have to answer that. But please, somebody, tell me that I'm not alone. Or better yet, send me a copy of the album or at least hook me up with a few mp3's so I can get a sense of whether the whole sound-alike thing is a marketing ploy designed to sell albums to idiots like me or something that should legit scare me. Whatever the answer ultimately ends up being, there needs to be one so I can finally get my mind back to a state of relative ease.

And on a final note,I'd just like to point out that about 93% of all of the Christmas music I've ever heard in my life is really, really bad.

More later.

Big Fuckin Post, No Fuckin Title!

Yep, I gave up. After sitting there for a good 20 minutes trying to find a title for this post, I just threw one in. Hey, at least it's a title of some sort. Sorry I haven't written in a while. I really don't know where this week went. I guess that's what happens to time when you get closer to Christmas. But I've been thinking about something for a while, and tried to post about it, but oh no. My computer had other plans for that post.

Like I said a while ago, I started volunteering at a women's shelter. I knew going in that it might be heart-breaking. But I guess I expected the heartbreak to just smack me in the face like it does sometimes at the telephone help centre where I volunteer. But I'm figuring out slowly that the things that rip me apart aren't in the obvious, but in the subtle.

Let's just run through a few things that have happened over my few shifts there. At the beginning I didn't know the way there because the address is confidential. So they were meeting me and showing me the way. As we walked towards the door, the staff walking with me stopped me, turned and talked to someone else. She said very nicely, "Hello, are you looking for some apartments? I live in the area, I know it well, do you need some directions?" It turned out to be a man. After gently directing him away from the shelter, she told me she wasn't sure if he was trying to sneak in and get past the staff. That freaked me out. How often do they have to politely fend off people from trying to get inside? And One day, would I have to do this too?

When I finally get to the door, I am told it has cameras, shown a keypad where you punch a door code that I still haven't been given, and a doorbell that connects the person on the outside of the door to someone who speaks over an intercom speaker. I understand the reason for all this security. I mean, the women in here have x's that aren't exactly friendly and when they drop by, it's not to bring the women some cookies and maybe a nice card. But even understanding it doesn't make it any less forbidding. Then, the door opens, and I have five seconds to get through the next door.

So I'm now inside the walls of the shelter. At first it feels sorta homey. I can smell some rice cooking, I can hear some music playing and some women talking. And then I hear something else. A baby crying. This should add to the homelike atmosphere, but it doesn't. It shakes me and brings me back to reality. This is a shelter. A shelter for women and their kids to get away from someone who's beating them. That means, what has this poor baby seen already? In this baby's brief life, what has he or she had to go through? What does this world seem like to this little baby?

I walk to the office to check in and see which kids need a babysitter. I get there and the phone rings and someone's prescriptions come in, and she doesn't even have the money to pay for them, so they have to be paid for by the shelter. Then I start to notice the state of organized chaos that is the norm here. As one of the staff starts to deal with the prescription, a woman comes in, cannot speak English at all, and the staff on the phone has to hand off the phone to someone else because she's the only one who can speak Spanish, so she can talk to the woman who's just walked into the office. Can you imagine not only needing to run away from someone who has probably controled every aspect of your life, but on top of that, not having the ability to speak the predominant language spoken where you are? Not being able to ask for help? Having to hope that the person offering help is an excellent reader of body language? She's just lucky that there is one person in the shelter who can speak Spanish fluently. But what happens when that person goes home?

I'm told there's a little girl who needs a babysitter. So I meet up with her and we go off to play. She decides to play with a jack in the box. But the character refuses to come out of the box. So the little girl says to me, very calmly, "I know how to fix it." With that, she picks up the jak in the box and smashes it down hard on the floor. My mouth opens a little and then I manage to not make a big deal. I say to her, "Oh, I don't know. I think you might have scared him. Now, he might not come out at all." Then, with the next crank, the little guy pops out. I find this whole situation freaky. Think about it. She got what she wanted by smacking the thing around, just like I'm sure her mother's abuser got what he wanted by smacking her mother around. I know the jack in the box doesn't have a mind and it was just a strange coincidence, but it was the wrong kind.

Back at the office, someone comes in and wants to speak to the staff about donations. What she has is not anything huge, but what it is seems to be needed. It's a bunch of clothes and blankets. Then I got thinking about how these people usually arrive. With nothing but the clothes on their backs, and maybe a kid's favourite toy if they managed to grab it on their way out the door. And they'll likely be leaving soon, having to start all over again from scratch. How does one do that when they don't even have the money to pay for their prescriptions?

I come back a couple more times and the little girl really wants to see me and is talking to me. As I go to leave I say, "I'll see you next week." There is a pause and the staff with me says, oh no you won't because she and her mother are moving out on the weekend. I give the little girl a hug and tell her I hope she likes her new place. And that was the last time I saw that little girl. I wonder how stable her life has been up to this point. Has this been the only time of Chaos? Or has it been a series of moves, always hoping the next house, the next town, the next man, will be better?

Then I think about how it's going to be the whole time I'm there. The high turnover, the constant change of faces. I know it's a good thing that they're not stuck there long, it means there's hope for a new life. But for me, It also means I'm going to have to grow a thick skin and not get attached to anyone there, because likely before I know it, they'll be gone.

As I go to leave because my shift is over, I have to hit a big button to activate the intercom and ask if it's safe to go. She says it is and I step back into the parking lot, the street, the seemingly normal world. Then I wonder how normal it is, or how many other strange worlds are spinning in their own little orbits all around me. And then I think I should stop philosophizing because nobody needs a big pile of philosophy. Whatever I may think, I know this. It sure didn't need much time to simultaneously scramble up my brain and make me thankful for how good my life really is.

Well, Now We Know

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.

Joseph said, "Write that down Mary, it's better than Moishe!"

How Did They Miss That?

Woman sent to male prison.

According to police in Buenos Aires, Mrs Aguilera was checked by several policeman but none noticed she was a woman.

A police spokesperson said: "She looks and acts exactly like a man, it was impossible to see that she is a woman.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the world's most sheltered police force!

Cheap Plugs And Pointless Awards

Ok, time for me to whore myself out a little.

The good people over at
Salty Ham
are in the middle of celebrating 2 years of existing, and there are a lot of things going on over there right now. Among them is the Top 50 Current Wrestlers list, the first part of which you can read
here.
I wrote stuff there, go check it out if you're either a wrestling person or a Steve person. Do Steve people actually exist? Probably not, but I can pretend.

And I know that this has nothing to do with anything, but as of Tuesday night, I'm convinced that pop music is pretty much dead. They actually presented something called the Ringtone of the Year Award during the Billboard Music Awards that night. Why do ringtones need their own award? You know who deserves his own award? The first guy to get so pissed off when he hears one of those fucking things in a public place that he kicks the person square in the nuts and shoves his cell phone up his ass. Then again, watching the Billboard Music Awards in the first place is a pretty good indication of what sort of state pop music is in, ringtones or no ringtones, so maybe I'm just getting way too worked up about this. That being said, piss off with the ringtones already, would ya please? It's a phone for God's sake, not a fucking jukebox.

Stalker's Drug Mmart

I heard something on the news that just gave me the shivers. The Canadian Pharmacists' Association is changing it so that people who get the morning after pill have to give the pharmacist their names, addresses, phone numbers, and details about there sexual activity before they can get it. This is apparently to make sure people are using it appropriately and effectively. Doesn't that just make you shake your head and go, huh?

In case you didn't know what the morning after pill is, it's a few pills you get within the first couple days after a roll in the hay that you think might have gotten you pregnant to stop the pregnancy from going too far. It's basically like a whole bunch of the stuf that's in a month's worth of birth control pills all squished into a couple of pills. it used to only be available by prescription, but now they made it available over the counter, presumably to make it easier to get than before. Do you see where I'm going?

If you have to give all this info to some random pharmacist, how many people actually will? Now, instead of a bunch of people using the morning after pill and no one having stats on its effective use, oh fiddledy dee, we'll have a bunch of unwanted children instead. Doesn't that sound like a wonderful plan?

And, why is there any good reason for someone to collect these people's addresses and phone numbers? Are they trying to create a "for a good time, call" database? Someone's phone number isn't going to tell you if they know all the right info about the plan B pill. Why not just take each person who requests it aside and tell them the info they need to know and not bother taking shit down and filing it away for tracking purposes? Isn't that what they say pharmacists should do anyway in all those commercials with the cute old ladies?

If I am to take these people on faith that this is something they need to do to make sure people are taking their medicine as directed, why not do it for everything you get over the counter? Why not ask for someone's headache history when they need a pain-killer? Why don't they ask if you've bought other cough syrup when you break down and get some Buckly's? *Everything* can be abused and administered the wrong way. That Southpark episode about cough medicine abuse was a joke, but I'm sure there's some base to it. Hell, some of the stuff in crystal meth comes from cold medications. While we're at it, why not ask people if they've ever had drug charges brought against them because they want something to make them stop hacking up a lung? Surprisingly, extreme as it may be, it makes more logical sense than this shit.

This Is Progress?

First things first, if any of you reading this emailed me something any time between Wednesday night and 9:30 or so on Thursday morning, odds are good that I probably won't be getting it unless you send it again. This morning I downloaded a bunch of mail onto Carin's computer, which promptly proceeded to crash and eat about half of it. Needless to say, Steve was not a happy guy this morning.

But the tragic and untimely death of a massive amount of electronic correspondence did get me thinking. It got me thinking about the way we live and the ways in which we function as a society. How we do things, how things are done for us. Who and what we trust, and the things with which we trust them. In short, it got me thinking about whether we, as a people, are truly as advanced as we tend to think we are.

Stop and think about your own day to day life for a few minutes. Think about all of the conveniences that inovation has afforded you in the hopes that you'll be a more efficient and productive worker during select hours, and lazier during others. Consider how much you've come to rely on those conveniences, and how much it sucks when you're placed in a situation that doesn't allow you to have access to them. Remember all those times when you were running late for something and you didn't have your cell phone with you? You got pretty pissed off and annoyed with yourself, didn't you? It's ok, you can admit it, we've all been there and we've all reacted the same way. And why? Because we've become a culture that depends on computers and gadgets to keep us in touch 24/7. If you don't think that's true, think about how angry you get when your buddy doesn't have his phone turned on, or the profound sense of shock you feel when you happen upon somebody who doesn't use the internet and has no use for an email address and then tell me again that I'm wrong. Ok, now that you're on side, ask yourself this question. For all of the teleconferencing and instant messaging and email and whatever else you want to throw in there that's supposed to save time and make things easier, are we really that much better off? Have all of the technological safeguards that we've put in place to prevent mistakes and their associated misery really worked, or have we simply swapped one set of problems for another? Personally, I think the answer is pretty simple.

I won't try to argue that technology doesn't have it's good points. I understand and appreciate that a great many inventions have been a great deal of help to a lot of people. Without some of the concepts and improvements that have come along over the years, I can pretty safely say that my life as a blind person would suck mightily. Because of technology, I can pay bills without help, I can keep track of notes I need to read in order to do various jobs, I can piss around doing stupid crap on the net while I'm supposed to be doing those jobs, I can do, well, pretty much anything I want, and I have technology to thank for that. But that being said, I truly believe that we've come to depend on and blindly trust in it's supposed infallibility way more than we should. What happened to my email today is a fine example of that. Sure, email's great when it works, but if for some reason something goes wrong, boom, it's all gone and you're out some important company memos, just like that, no questions asked. It's all gone and there's nothing you can do about it. Think of it this way. When a postal truck flips over on the highway and bursts into flames, what do you suppose happens to all the mail? That's right, it's gone. that's it, there's no getting it back. John's house payment and Francine's thank you cards are all incinerated and they won't be getting to where they need to go. So how is it then that email is so much better? I know that in the time it takes to snap your fingers a couple of times you can send 1093 emails, but what good is that if they don't get to their destinations? Have you ever gotten an email from somebody 2 weeks after it was sent? What's the difference between that and those stories you hear on the news now and then about a postcard from Paris that was sent during World War 2 finally getting to somebody in Virginia 65 years after the fact? When you scale it down and consider how long each is supposed to take, there's really no difference.

But where the point is really driven home for me is at the bank, or maybe I should say at what passes as a bank these days since you can bank from pretty much anywhere now. Me for instance, I do a majority of my banking over the phone. Stop and think about that. AT no time do I ever have to handle money, or interact with someone who does. Isn't that weird? My entire monitary existence has been reduced to what amounts to nothing more than an abstract idea and some blind faith that the hard drive is good at math. Gee, I don't see what could possibly go wrong there. What used to be me exchanging money with somebody else for goods and services has now become one machine telling another machine that I have the correct number of numbers required for that other machine to agree and then convince another actual person that they can then give me what I need. I'll give you a moment to get your heads around that.

But in any event, I think I've made my point. All of this technology, as useful and helpful as some of it is, isn't the saving grace of humanity that people would have you believe. Think about that the next time one of your "virtually faultless" CD's starts skipping because it has a scratch in it. That sounds an awful lot like what happened to all of those records that sucked so much back in the day.

Stupid Stephen Harper

Yeah yeah yeah, we already know Stephen Harper is scary and not who I'd vote for that's for sure. But I saw him do something that I found to be completely patronizing! There is no other word to describe what I saw.

Stephen Harper's up there, spouting off about his feelings about the liberals. Same old same old. But occasionally, after going through a huge diatribe about how his government will stand up for Canadians in English, he'd sprinkle in a little french. Usually, it was a couple of words, and if you were super lucky, you got a whole sentence! What a god damn fucking gift! The guy who's going to lead the country can only afford to stop and say an occasional sentence in French? And this is a good campaign strategy? Who should I strangle first, Stephen Harper, or his little speech-writing weasels? Let me add that these occasional sprinklings in French were spoken so poorly that I thought maybe a male version of my mother, who thought Gothier was pronounced goth-yer, (I'm sorry mom), was up there.

Ok, if you're not going to make a concerted effort to speak our second *official* language, don't even fucking try. I mean, he wasn't even in Quebec for Christ's sake. He was in Nova Scotia. Was he trying to somehow earn brownie points with the people of Nova Scotia because he could say Bonjour? Was he just trying to shut up the critics who noticed his complete lack of French last time around? Doing what he did was like throwing bread crumbs to a starving homeless guy. It's patronizing and it shows exactly how little French he actually knows.

I think the translator that was there to convert any french back to English was shocked to have to do some work at one point, and I only saw one such two-sentence translation in the whole damn pile of shit known as a speech. Ooo I guess I should say that if you'd won the lottery, you'd get two whole sentences. And let me say that they were nothing like the giant mound of English he'd been spewing.

This really pisses me off because I saw this a million times when I spent a bit of time in Quebec. The voicemail greetings you'd get that were supposed to be bilingual technically were, if you wanted to be an ass about it, but the English message was nowhere near as detailed as the French equivalent. The French would say something about "you have reached insert name here. I am out of my office Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." And the English? "Hi. Leave a message after the beep." Tell me that's not horribly inaccurate. I'm just lucky I can speak French.

So now, whenever I see this, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Does he actually think this is going to win him favour? Think again, Mr. Harper.

It's Nice To Be Right Now And Then

Hey everybody.

Yes, I'm still alive. Just haven't had much worth saying lately so I haven't said anything.

Carin already talked about our
Derek Edwards trip
so I won't spend a lot of time talking about it other than to say that it was great to finally see him live after being a fan of his for over 10 years. She's right, he puts on a great show and you should definitely check him out if he comes to your town.

But sitting in the audience last night made me wonder about people. I know I always seem to be wondering about people, but that's because some of the things they do are endlessly fascinating to me.

While we were waiting for the show to start last night I casually said to Carin that I wondered how many of the people in the audience actually knew why they were there. That is how many people, all of whom had paid $30 a ticket I might add, had any idea of who Derek Edwards was. After getting a reaction that sounded a lot like Scooby Doo does when he gets frightened, I finally got a chance to explain myself.

I've gone to a lot of comedy shows, many of which weren't exactly cheap. I went to all of them because I'm a fan of comedy and more specifically, of the comedian doing the show. That, I'm sure you'll agree, makes sense. But almost without fail, at every one of these shows, there's at least 1 person who is taken completely by surprise by who and what they're seeing. the best example of this that I've ever seen was the first time I went to see
Steven Wright.
The opening act came and went no problem. But then, when it was time for the main event, I actually heard the guy behind us say in a sad voice, "oh, it's that guy." He sounded so upset that I seriously thought that he might grab the people he came with and leave.

Carin, understandably, was completely shocked by this as was I the first time I saw it, but for some reason, she still chose not to believe that this could possibly happen. All of my attempts to explain that no, this kind of thing happens all the time fell on deaf ears. But then, oh yes then, redemption was mine when a woman sitting to our right struck up a conversation with somebody sitting behind us about the show. She asked if she had ever seen him before or if she was a fan of his work. And I kid you not, the exact words out of this woman's mouth were "no. We just saw him in the paper and thought we should go."

Maybe it's just me and my failure to be stupidly rich, but who does that? I understand paying 10 bucks to go to someplace like YukYuks or maybe a bar with a local band and not knowing what to expect, but this show was in a fancy theatre and it cost 30 bucks to get in. Who drops 30 bucks on a whim to see somebody they've never heard of just because an ad in the paper tells them to? You can't even see clips of the guy to figure out if he might be your style or not. If you get a recommendation from a friend who thinks you might be into it that's one thing, but otherwise, why would you do that?

But back to Carin. Being the kind of person she is, she didn't want to just come out and say wow, you're right. But after watching that same conversation play itself out at least 3 more times in the next 5 minutes between 3 completely different sets of people, my point was made and she had no choice. Game, set, match. I win.

I know I know, I'm childish, but I don't really care. It's just nice to be right now and then.

What is a blog anyway?

Well, it appears I didn't need to eat the news reporter for breakfast in my
post about blogging and the news.
I saw the story and it wasn't nearly so blog-blaming as I thought. The only person who got canned because of her blogging activity deserved it. Note to self: when blogging about my job, avoid including pictures of myself with a backdrop of the company logo. Everyone agree? Thought so.

The rest was just about blogs, and brought it's own hilarity. I can't believe how many people don't know what a blog is. I admit I didn't know a few years ago, but do a google search for practically anything, and you'll discover they're every frickin where now. I have to admit they got some entertaining answers though. So, according to your average dude on the street, a blog is:

• a bog,


• a giant glitch,


• a big log,

or last but not least,

• a brain fart ("When I can't think of something, I have a blog").

I am relieved that a few people actually knew what a blog was, but....oh me oh my. But then again, they always seem to have dumbass radar when sent out to do street talk segments, so one can pray that that's all it is. But maybe the guy who called blogs big glitches was on to something. Just land on some of our stuff and...well, maybe he's right.

Derek Edwards was Fun

I almost feel like there's not much more to say than that, but what the hell? Steve heard a while ago that Derek Edwards was coming to town, so we decided to go. At this point you're going, who the fuck is Derek Edwards and why should I care? Well you should care because you should see him, and you should see him because he's funny. In case you hhaven't guessed, he's a comedian.

I'd seen him on TV and I remembered he was funny. But you know he's funny when before the first ten minutes of the show are over, he can make you laugh so hard you're crying. Holy shit he's funny. At first I thought he'd been drinking a bit before the show and thought, oh boy, we're in for a few surprises. But he has this weird way of changing his voice from mumbly and slurry to perfectly crystal clear in the blink of an eye. And he has this really awesome way of finding the smallest things that you don't really think about and making them completely hilarious. He even gave me a new name for someone you think is a knob. Ted! Thank you, Canadian Tire guy.

But you know tallent when the lights and mics go off and he can just go on and make a joke out of that. I was even wondering if it was part of the joke somehow. But when I came home and saw my own power had flickered, I realized it was no joke.

If Derek Edwards comes to your town, go see him! If not, then I guess I'll have to call you Ted!

Scapegoat Fun!

I'll admit this might be a bit premature since the news story I'm about to bash I haven't seen yet, but the ads for it made me think this, and since I haven't written anything in a while, my computer made a meal out of yesterday's attempt at a post, and I'm bored right now, I figure what the hell, why not babble up here for a bit? Plus, hey, if I'm totally wrong, that'll create more fuel for another post.

Tonight they say they're going to have this big story on how blogs are screwing with work productivity and employers are getting pissed. I just look at that and think, aren't employers happy to find something else to blame their problems on? Isn't it easy to, instead of blaming the shitheads you hired who obviously don't appreciate their jobs enough to do them properly, turn and blame a bunch of strangers who the shitheads might not even know, and companies who thought it might be nice to give people a voice? It's not their damn fault that the shitheads don't know that maybe they should only blog/look at blogs on break or in low times.

It's the same damn thing as when researchers tried to blame music for kids turning to violence. Doesn't the kid have any active part in this whole equasion? Are you trying to tell me that the kid has no control over what he does or thinks, and the music is controling him? I think the last person who said music was telling him to do stuff got taken away by men in white coats, don't you?

The same goes for the blog shit. The blogs aren't forcing people to go look at them. If people don't know that maybe they should pick up that phone instead of looking at the blog, that's not the blogger's fault. Personal responsibility, people. If I know human nature, I'd be willing to bet that if blogging/blog-reading was banned at work, even if it could be done completely, these same people who are dragging down productivity would find other ways to slack off.

That's Nuts!

Here's a nice story about a guy who
cut off his own testicles
because he told his buddy that he'd do it if his favourite rugby team didn't lose that day.

Happy Monday, I have nothing more to say.

Weird Stuff Stew

I've been thinking about some weird things people do or weird things I've seen that just make me go, why? I don't know if they're good enough to make separate posts, so...isn't this predictable? I decided to throw them together. Mmm...who knows what soup!

I saw an annoying Canadian Tire commercial where the dog is sniffing out everyone's Christmas presents and figuring out what they've gotten. Ok it's not nearly as annoying as the fiow-plathe one, but it does know how to grab my attention and make me go huh? At first the dog is sniffing out barbies and drills and everything. And then it gets to a remote-controled car with an mp3 hookup on it. At this point, my head spins. I'm all for technology combining, but in what evil parallel universe does that make sense? You are controling the car *remotely*. That means you're *away* from it. What possible legitimate reason would you have to play music on it that you won't be able to hear because you're away from the music-playing object, and will always be away from it because you're controling it remotely? Is it specifically designed to be an irritation tool to be used on the lucky brat's siblings and parents?

I got thinking about Sesame street, I think because I turned on CFRU and a kids' show was on with a clip of Bert and Earny playing. It led me to thinking about something that crossed my mind as a kid. I guess I was a pretty unimaginative and square kid, because I remember thinking. "Hmm...these guys sound old. Why do they have toys and still share the same room?" But they had a whole place. Why did they share a room? And I've never seen grown-ups with places have toys unless they had little ones running around. I never thought they were gay, but I remember thinking that I wanted to be out of my house and not sharing a room with my sister by the time I had a grown-up voice. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't see the little puppet face. Maybe that was what made it odd. But it was odd for sure, and still I watched and went ha ha ha along with them. Ah the weird powers of Sesame street. Too bad it's going to hell in a handbasket.

And speaking of kids, negligent parents, and other goodness related to kids, why in the good holy hell do some parents cart their sick children out to social events? I was at a potluck yesterday, and in walks this woman with her kid. Someone commented on how quiet her kid was. The mother responded, "Oh she's not feeling the best, she's been fighting this for a few weeks now."

Ok, why in hell did you bring her? I see so many things wrong with this that...where should I begin? And, must I?

First off, she's sick. Why isn't she at home? If the mom can't get a babysitter, then maybe she should do the mom thing and, um, stay home with her sick kid. And if the kids' been fighting this for weeks, what in hell is the mom doing wasting time at a potluck? Shouldn't they be somewhere else, like, oh, say, a doctor's office?

Let's take mommy and snotty-nosed child out of the mix. Why is mommy bringing snotty-nosed child into a bunch of people if she knows she's got something she's been dealing with for a while? Does she want to make us all sick? Do people consider others at all anymore?

Maybe I'm just noticing the selfishness of people because my neighbours are driving that point home daily. Ok, not my
cool neighbour, but the new assholes who took his place after his unfortunate death. They smash beer bottles and leave their trash on the apartment steps, they smoke inside their house even though all they'd have to do is walk out their door and out another door to smoke outside, they even smoke inside in the summer. But the thing that makes me stare in bewilderment is the noise at all hours of the day and night. It doesn't matter if it's noon, 4 in the afternoon, the evening or 4 o'clock in the fucking morning. Great masses of people seem to enter and exit their apartment daily, slamming, thumping and banging their way in and out the door as they make their way. First of all, what the fuck are they doing to make that much noise? I've tried to make noise by slamming the door, and I don't even come close to making the racket they make on a regular basis. Second, can they learn to have some respect for their neighbours? Please? I've asked them to stop smoking in their house because it seaps into mine and this is not a smoking-permitted building, and they won't stop. I've asked them to be more careful about the broken glass, and they don't care. I really hope they get evicted soon, because frankly, the selfish pricks need to think of more people than no. 1 for a change. Woops, that was a little more fuming than I planned it to be. But hey I'm not taking it back.

And this latest thing that some of my friends like to do baffles me. They call me repeatedly when I'm out somewhere, saying how much they want to hear from me. Then when I call them back, expecting to hear earth-shattering news or some crazy new development in their lives, all I get is the mundane happenings of their day, and then they start watching the simpsons or playing with something nearby. Then I find out that they just called me so many times because they were bored.

Ok, I have no problem with hearing about how their day went. That's cool, but don't call me three times in a row, with specifications of times before which I should call, please please please, unless there's something crazy going on. Call,, leave a message, I will call you back. And if you're just calling me because you were bored, don't fucking bother. I should rephrase that. Maybe it's all in the delivery. If you call because you thought about me and felt like giving me a call, sweet. Someone's thinking of me. That kinda brightens my day. But it really makes me feel meaningless when you say you called because there was nothing else to watch on the TV and you were bored, and then proceed to say nothing. Thanks for wasting my time as well as yours. Maybe my time couldn't be wasted right now, but you made me feel as though I had to drop everything to call you. They do that, or they say something that could have taken five minutes and perhaps could have been left on a message if it was so important that it needed 3 attempts at catching me. But is being bored really a good enough excuse to phone/message bomb me? Am I that unreliable at returning phone calls that you feel the need to hound me for a call-back? I'm sure you can find another way to cure your boredom.

Well, wasn't that great gobs of pleasantness? Hope you enjoyed my steam-blowing off session. I didn't expect it to be that long.

Heavy Meditation

So I learned today that I suck at meditation. This guy was doing a thing on meditation, so since I've tried yoga, I figured hey why not give it a try? But I found out that it's way harder than I thought.

First off, there are a million contradictions. They tell you to sit up straight so your feet are flat on the floor. Maybe this is relaxing for a daddy long-legs, but for this shrimp, it means sitting on the front edge of my chair and holding my back straight, not letting it rest on the back of the chair. But then they tell you to relax. I don't know about you, but sitting bolt upright isn't the most relaxing thing in the world. Then they tell you to clear your mind. I must be weird, because as soon as someone tells me to clear my mind, I start thinking so hard about how one clears one's mind that it's the furthest thing from clear. Then they tell you to let your mind wander, but then after a while, they want to have you focus it, and if it does wander, you're to bring it back to this image of white light etc. Can they please make up their minds on what mine's supposed to do?

And here's the fun part. They tell you to exhale all your anger and inhale wisdom and compassion. Isn't that the most patronizing thing you've ever heard? If you just push your anger out, isn't it going to come back and bite you? And why is it going to go away just because someone tells you to send it away? If it's that easy to get rid of, it can't be that serious. And if one could inhale wisdom and compassion, would we need to meditate? We could all be gurus just by breathing. I know, I know, it's a metaphor. But think about this. Our own mind is imagining breathing in wisdom, right? So our own mind is manufacturing this wisdom, right? Well then, how successful is this venture?

Maybe I'm just a closed-minded cynic, or maybe the way this guy taught meditation was weird. Either way, the whole concept is too complicated for my little brain. But maybe he'll prove me wrong, I'll inhale some wisdom and figure it out.

Guns For The Blind

James sent
this story,
which I'm sure has just about everybody in Minnesota scared shitless.

Guns for the Blind?

A Minneapolis gun shop owner thinks the blind should be able to carry guns.

So, starting in December, Koscielski's Gun Shop will be offering a training course to the visually impaired or blind.

But is it safe?

Koscielski's says the disabled should be allowed to protect themselves just like everyone else.

If approved, the course would help blind people qualify for a right to carry permit.

By the way, there is no Minnesota law prohibiting the blind from having a gun.

Big John

Brad sent this in, and it cracks me up.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. The same thing happened the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body-building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; and what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Sex O'clock News

TV station broadcast porn instead of news.

The funniest part of this is the mental image I have of hundreds of irate people marching through the streets after this happened demanding that somebody be fired over it. Why not just be thankful for the good fortune and call it a night?

No Thanks

Serbs line up for testicle shocks.

Are condoms really that much of a pain?

Destination Frustration

God damn! I didn't know a day could be ruined by a 95-k dos, yes, you heard me right, dos game. And to think it all started with a stroll down memory lane. Then I decided, oo I think I'll idly play this old game I used to play when I had a really slow computer that was lucky if it could handle wordperfect 5.1, just as a bit of amusement. Just imagine the game. It was designed for really slow processors, so the sound effects, which come through the PC speaker I might add, practically don't even exist when they're played on today's computers. But I thought, aa yes, the simple simple games from days of yore. Simple? I challenged the wrong demons of fate.

I started out playing a game called Run for President. It's kind of like a political monopoly game, only you buy states instead of streets and then whoever manages to get a certain number of votes first wins. I won that one first try. Feeling all invigorated and as if I was game-master, I took on Destination Mars, and oh lord...oh lord.

When did I start this? Can I remember? *brain strains, smoke comes out my ears, more smoke...* I think it was around 10:30 or so. It is now shortly after 2:00. So far, I have crashlanded, exploded, suffocated, been vaporized by aliens, self-destructed due to too much damage, and run out of fuel, most of them multiple times. Who said dos games were simple? *flop*.

Slow the Hell Down!

I'm really starting to think we try to pack way way way too much into the day. Either that or we're getting lazier and lazier. I was watching a show on TV when a commercial came on for something that scared me. It was for premade smoothies from McCain. Does that frighten anyone else? When I think smoothie, I think cool blended fruity creation that I decided to whip up from fresh fruit I had around. Or I think of a drink that's made in front of me at a coffee shop somewhere. I don't think crack open a can and drink like pop. I can't find references to the McCain ones anywhere to find out what's in them, but I found something similar that apparently started being made a few years ago. It combined some kind of juice and something called veggie milk. Does that scare anyone? These smoothies just seem a little too smooth for my liking.

Then I saw another ad for Uncle Ben's rice that started off with "Minute rice too complicated?" What? How complicated can adding some rice to some water and cooking be? This new rice came in its own microwavable bowl and the ad bragged about how there were no "pots". Plural? For some rice? Why in hell would your average person need multiple pots to cook some rice? What is in this rice that makes it even easier to make than minute rice? I can't seem to find it so I can find out and be scared forever.

It makes me think of what one comedian, Brian Regan, said about the microwave directions on packages of pop tarts. If your life is so busy that you only have time to spare three seconds to nuke the pop tarts, then maybe you should slow down a little. Do we really have to have everything premade? Has anyone noticed that it doesn't taste nearly as good? Hey I like a little of that stuff, but premade smoothies and minute rice being too complicated? That's going a little too far I think.

What are Those Things on My Head For?

Sometimes I wonder if we're de-evolving and some people have lost the ability to use those round things with black centres that change in size with the light, ya know, eyes? I have to admit, some people are very observant. I met a guy who could put everything he moved back where he found it. but today I met some people who probably wouldn't notice if aliens landed in their front yard.

I went out to get some things, and went to cross the street like I always do. But the traffic lights were not working, so the cars were sort of just playing nice and waiting for each other to go through. This is pretty crazy, because five streets meet at this corner at weird angles.

When I get to the store, which is on the corner of these streets, and walk in and mention that the traffic lights aren't working, I get a response as if I'm speaking another language. These people, who could presumably look out the window and see the chaos out there, were completely unaware of it. If they couldn't do that, the store is full of people, so I'm sure at least one of them would have mentioned how nuts it was that this major traffic light was on the fritz. But they had no idea, and thought I was on crack.

This isn't an isolated incident. Otherwise I could just say the girl working in the store is a total ditz and laugh it off. But I can't count the number of times I have pointed at a sign and said, "what does that say?" and gotten a bewildered "I don't know!" If people aren't just plain unobservant, I can only conclude that the illiteracy problem is overwhelming in this town, and I'm afraid.

I know I'm not the most observant person in the world and probably miss stuff. But I think if I had a set of working eyes, I'd be able to read a sign or notice a street corner in utter chaos. At least, I'd hope so.

Rememberance Day Brawl

So Thursday I head out with some friends for a little clubbing. Around 2:'ish the place is dying down and we're starving so we decided to go across the street, loaded to the gills, to Denny's for some early morning food. Over the course everyone's buzz starts to die but we're all still pretty happy. We finish our meals and head up to the front to pay. As we walk by a table with some people who appear to be like us, young loaded and hungry. But something's different. Where the rest of us are wearing poppies, this chick's wearing a poppy with the Nazi symbol through the center of it.

Needless to say, we're disgusted. Words start to be exchanged between our group and theirs. It starts to get heated between Aaron and Chris and a few of them. My buddy Shane and I manage to get them shoved outside to avoid incident and just got the girls we were with to take our cash and pay.

So we think this is done. We're outside waiting for our cab still pissed and still talking about it when the assholes come outside and start yelling again. Now I'm right with Aaron and Chris in principle, I'd love to just beat on these assholes. But they ain't worth it. So Shane and I get in between them again andit looks like it's calmed down and these people are walking away. I turn back to speak to another friend and when I look back Chris and Aaron are waking after them. So I take off after them and get ahold of Aaron. He tells me he doesn't wanna do anything but he's gotta back up Chris in case something happens. We get them reeled back in and everything dies down but it was looking pretty hairy there for a while.

It brings up an interesting debate though. I think the part that hurt the most in the whole thing was that no matter how disrespectful and disgusting what they did was, all those soldiers died so that they have every right to do it. It's an interesting moral conclusion to have to try and come to. Half the 2nd World War was about tollerance, or a lack there of, so no matter how pissed off what these people did makes me, you have to tollerate or its almost like an additional slap in the face to everything they fought for. It was quite a moral delemma. Pound the retards, or respect the vets. When in doubt, go with the vet's I suppose.

Drat! Foiled Again!

Wow, more people are coming apart than I thought. Ya know the old theory that tin foil hats would keep out penetrating mind-control rays from the government? Well, some of those who flew over the cuckoo's nest flew into MIT. and actually put this theory to the test. Yes, people in the electrical engineering and computer science departments actually approved and did this study. I guess the $250000 piece of equipment they used to do it wasn't busy, so they put aluminum foil hats on a few people, and directed radio frequencies either at their heads from outside the helmet, or from right on their heads especially for those who think there's a radio in their teeth. They found out that the hats actually amplify the frequency bands used by the government according to the FCC, and think the hat theory was actually started by the government to increase mind control.

I really hope this was a joke study. It almost looks like one. But there's that element of doubt. But if it's true, to all the hat-wearing paranoids, way to go, you just invited Big Brother in.

Thanks For The Tip

Apparently cow tipping isn't as easy as people make it sound,
and here's the study to prove it.
Yes, I said study.

What?

I want you all to meet
Chris Roller,
the guy who just might get my vote for craziest man in the universe.

Not only is he suing David Copperfield and David Blaine claiming that they owe him money because they've stolen his Godly powers and are now using them in their magic acts, but he is also claiming, among other things, that he will be running for President of the United States in 2008 with Bill Gates as his running mate, that he is Jesus Christ and God simultaneously, that Katie Couric from NBC news and Celine Dion are his wives and are going to have his children, that there is a movie coming out soon about his life starring Tom Hanks, that he has killed all of his enemies, and that he will father 1,000,000 babies. I'm not making any of this up, there is actual legal documentation to validate every bit of what you've just read.

But that's not all. Roller also claims to have some litigation pending against George W Bush and the Mafia, and he has also created what he's calling comedy sketches to explain his godliness. He sent them to Jimmy Kimmel Live, but thankfully, they never made it to air.

You can read about all of this and so much more, including his explanation for why his life is mankind's greatest project, on his website, which is linked above. While you're there, be sure to watch the video report that Celebrity Justice did on him. He seems to be proud of it, even though they're obviously making fun of him.

As for me, I really don't know what else to say, since Roller's own words speak for themselves. I just wonder if anybody actually understands what it is that they're trying to say.

Not Again!

I heard on the news that the powers that be have decided to call an election. Another one. When did we last go to the polls? 2004? So they're trying to arrange to have one called in February. They think that somehow they're going to end up with more than a minority government, which is what they've got now. How they think that's probable, I don't know. This just makes me go "Oh no!" Believe me, I'm happy we have the right to vote, I'm happy that we can control our destiny...sort of. But it saddens me that the choices we have are poop, shit, or crap. Doesn't that just make you want to sprint to the polling stations boys and girls?

Let's look at the contestants. We have our current leader, Paul Martin. I guess he's been ok, except for the sucking up to Bush stuff. But I guess that's livable considering we're supposed to be allies. But the funniest part is watching him get mad. He does not scream monstrous intimidator at all. He might as well just beg for what he wants. Maybe that would be more effective. Then we've got Stephen Harper, *shiver*. He's the main reason this stupid election is being called, even though Jack Layton is the one making the motion. Let's face it, he just wants the power, and has been chomping at the bit to have it for as long as he has been visible in the media. I don't know what he wants to turn Canada into, but I'm afraid, especially since it seems a lot of people are leaning towards him. Are they stupid? Oh why do I ask? And now our final major contender, Jack Layton. He says things but he just doesn't seem convincing, and he comes across as a weasel. I know I know, all politicians are weasels, but the key is to hide it, and he can't.

So they wonder why Canadians are apathetic. For one, we've had too many damned elections. Second, would you be enthused given the choices? When your fate sucks and you have no control over it, it's bad enough. But if, as a responsible citizen, you have to have a hand in your sucky fate, it makes it that much harder to swallow.

The Propaganda Weekly

The Newark New Jersey city council has
awarded a $100,000 US no-bid contract
to the Newark Weekly News in exchange for the paper only printing positive stories about the city.

The idea was pitched to council by Howard Scott, who owns the paper. Council, in a decision that I'm sure comes as a surprise to just about no one, unanimously approved the proposal in a vote that took place in October.

The Weekly News is now working in conjunction with the city's public information office on the project, and under the terms of the agreement, can only accept story leads that come directly from either the city council or mayor's office.

According to Scott, the citizens of Newark have no problem with this set-up whatsoever.

"Do we have critical reporters on staff? No," Scott said when asked for comment. "Do we have investigative reporters? No. "Our niche is the good stuff. People have come to know it, and they love it."

Either that or they're just trying to make the best of the realization that whether they like it or not, whether they ever read a single edition of this thing, they're still paying for it, a fact which Scott conveniently forgets to mention here.

Another thing he fails to address is how the Newark Weekly News can still in good faith call itself a newspaper. Given the circumstances that currently allow it to exist, wouldn't it be more appropriate to classify it as either campaign literature or state-funded propaganda material? That's exactly what it is, and how anybody could possibly see it as anything other than that given the facts presented here is simply mind boggling.

But I suppose that this shouldn't come as that much of a shock or surprise considering the state of TV and print news in America and parts of Canada today. Every outlet has its own agenda, and I guess the arival of localized "everything doesn't suck as bad as it seems like it does" news coverage is just the next logical step.

Wrestling Watching Weekend

Hello and happy Sunday. I hope everybody's having a good weekend. Mine's been great especially since I decided to turn off my telephone because the thing was driving me nuts. Between the millions of telemarketers who seem to be out in full force right now, people calling me with nothing to say, and everybody else seeming to want my attention all at once, I couldn't get a moment of peace. So I decided that I'm paying for voicemail for a reason, and that's where everybody's been going for the last couple days straight. It's been awesome.

But Steve, what did you do with all that anti-social time you had on your hands?

Well, let's see. I did laundry. Lots and lots of laundry. But that's what happens when trees decide to grow into the drainage system at your house and your plumbing backs up and you have to use almost every towel you own to soak up the swimming pool that used to be your bathroom. But whatever, it's all fixed up now and everything's clean, so I'm a happy guy. I'm also a lucky guy since I seem to have gotten home just in time. Sure it sucked to be away for 5 days and then come back to that, but being away for 6 days and then walking into a mess like the one I awoke to the next morning would have been a lot worse.

But I did do more than laundry and housework. I also watched wrestling. Lots and lots of wrestling. I finally got to see both Taboo Tuesday and Bound For Glory among other things, and this post is more about them than about me and my domestic chores and self-imposed isolation, so here we go.

Bound For Glory was an awesome show. I don't think I'd call it the best TNA show I've ever seen, but it was still fantastic. The only thing that hurt it was that some of the matches went a little short, but there was a reason for that since they had to change the entire main event angle around at the last minute because of the whole Kevin Nash thing, so really I can't fault the company since they did a great job of making the best out of a bad situation.

It was cool to see Jushin Liger again. I don't watch a whole lot of Japanese wrestling so I really haven't seen much of him since his days in WCW. He can still go, and Samoa Joe is Samoa Joe and it seems impossible for him to have a terrible match these days. I've read a fair bit of complaining on the internet (surprise surprise) about how the match was way too short and that because they didn't give it longer it didn't live up to expectations. But like I said, I'm not going to be part of it. Was the match too short? Yes, but that by no means makes it bad. The action was there, the crowd was into it, and Joe's entrance was pretty cool. Besides, it's not like they were relying on that match to save what would have been an otherwise disappointing show.

I loved the finish of the Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles Ironman match. I've thought for years that somebody getting pinned in the last 3 seconds of a match with a time limit would be a cool finish, and this was as close as I can remember ever seeing to that. The match itself was solid too. I've talked to people who were expecting a different type of match out of those 2 and you can sort of tell when you watch it that some of the crowd did also, but I can't think of anything that sticks out as wrong with it. It had a slower pace than some of their previous bouts, but there were still more than enough high spots thrown in the mix to keep the excitement going. And think about it. Doing 30 minutes of high impact stuff doesn't make sense in the context of an Ironman match anyway. Why burn yourself out and risk potentially hurting yourself more than your opponent?

I know I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record here, but I have to say it. Monster's Ball Match, also great. By the way, I wonder how many kids out there actually understand what I mean by broken record. but back to the match. Great hardcore action, and Jeff Hardy is absolutely insane. If you don't know what I'm talking about, get a tape of this show and wonder along with the rest of us how that man isn't dead or severely injured at this point.

After all this time, you'd think TNA would have figured out a way to keep the Ultimate X from falling down in the middle of matches on live TV. But if like me you would be tempted to think that, you'd be wrong. But it wasn't simply the X falling down that ruined an otherwise fine contest, it was the reactions of the guys after the obviously botched finish that really did the job. I give TNA credit for taping a rematch for last Thursday's prime time special, but instead of apologizing for what happened, they should have played it up as the total heel move by Petey Williams that it probably looked like to a fair number of the people watching. Reaching up and catching the thing as it falls down for the second time and getting the win is certainly grounds for a rematch on it's own, so why draw attention to your shortcomings when you're in the early stages of the biggest exposure and growth period in your company's history? The audience isn't made up of all smart fans anymore, it's ok to try to pull one over on us now and then. We might make fun of you for doing it, but we really don't mind, we understand who you're doing it for.

Speaking of pulling one over on people, congratulations to WWE for actually convincing a few people to buy Taboo Tuesday. Although if you paid for that show based on the TV that lead into it, you could probably be convinced to do just about anything. Ok, I'll just come right out and say it. If you laid down $30 of your own money for reasons other than morbid curiosity or the fact that you get paid to watch this stuff, you're an idiot. But that being said, this show was a lot better in execution than it was on paper. Hmmm, execution, that sounds like a fine fate for the people responsible for booking WWE lately. But seriously, the show wasn't that bad.

Joey Styles calling a WWE pay-per-view took a little getting used to. He's a great announcer, but before today I could never have pictured him calling a WWE event. The ECW show he did back in June for them doesn't count. But he did a great job considering the short notice and the fact that he and Jerry Lawler have never worked together, at least not to my knowledge.

The opening match was surprisingly good, especially for one in which the combined suckage of Gene Snitsky and Chris Masters makes up one team. I still love Snitsky though, even though I make fun. How can you not love that guy?

The legends match was a fun one even though nobody cares about Conway or Tomko and Eugene is starting to go down that same road. It's generally nice to see legends, even if they do sometimes make you feel old. Sometimes it's sad to see the shape some of them are in, but at least they get one more moment in the sun, and that has to count for something.

Is it just me, or did that not feel like Mick Foley's big return match, or even like a feud that needs caring about? You know things are bad in WWE when they can make me not care about watching Mick Foley wrestle, especially after he's been gone for so long. And you know something, I have a feeling that Mick Foley didn't even really care about that Mick Foley match. but you know what's frightening? Even when he's half assing it out there, he's still more entertaining than a fair number of the guys who are on TV every week, the ones who are supposed to be the future. Somebody kill me.

Cade and Murdock should not have lost the tag titles, and not just because WWE did the same thing last year with another team that they were trying to push. My main problem is that they need to be establishing a tag division, and taking the belts off of new guys that you're trying to get over as a team and putting them on a couple of people who are essentially singles wrestlers doesn't help.

I'm mentioning the Coach vs. Batista match for one reason, and that reason is Jerry Lawler, because he cracked me up when Vader came out. His exact words were "he hasn't lost any size has he?" I love shoot comments that you're not supposed to pick up on.

The last 2 matches, the Flair vs. Triple H cage match and the 3-way for the WWE title were by far the best of the night.

Flair in a cage is almost always good, and even though you can say a lot of bad things about HHH, he can still bring it when he needs to, and he definitely did in this one.

As for the title match, how can you go wrong with Michaels and Angle in the same ring? Not even John Cena, who appears to be getting worse instead of better the longer he sticks around, could have messed that up completely. This was a really well put together match with a good finish that didn't hurt anybody. The champ stayed strong, and Michaels and Angle didn't lose anything by not winning.

Ok, that was long. Thankks for sticking with it. One of us will be back later with something else. Until then, I'm off to eat something and watch a bit more wrestling.

Mayor: Sever Thumbs of Graffiti Artists

RENO, Nev. (AP) - Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has suggested that those who deface freeways with graffiti should have their thumbs cut off on television.

Goodman, appearing Wednesday on the ``Nevada Newsmakers'' television show, said, ``In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes.

``You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it.

``I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb,'' the mayor added. ``That may be the right thing to do.''

Goodman also suggested that whippings or canings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.

``I also believe in a little bit of corporal punishment going back to the days of yore, where examples have to be shown,'' Goodman said.

``I'm dead serious,'' said Goodman, adding, ``Some of these (children) don't learn. You have got to teach them a lesson, and this is coming from a criminal defense lawyer.''

``They would get a trial first,'' he added.

Another panelist on the show, Howard Rosenberg, a state university system regent, responded by saying that cutting off the thumbs of taggers won't solve the problem and Goodman should ``use his head for something other than a hat rack.''

Come On Now, Play Nice

Jury Rules Against Woman in Genital Gluing

I'm not sure what's funnier here, the story, or the fact that the name of the woman involved in it is O'Toole. Irony rules.

Read the Fine Print!

Well, I was reading something in the paper today that makes me feel a lot better. I was starting to think a while back that I must have been a really stupid kid, because I didn't get all the meanings of stuff that was in songs and stories for kids. I'd just remember the funny noises or the way the narrator sounded when they read something. Then I'd come across it later and go, "Woe, if that was intended for kids to find easy to understand, and I didn't get it, then I must be really dumb."

Now I've read that a study actually found out that when you're reading to kids, they're spending more time looking at the pictures than the text. Phew! Then I'm not stupid. This is normal!

But here's where I get annoyed with either the people who did the study or the person interpreting it. They make a big production, almost to the point of saying "Ha ha you're wrong!" out of the fact that reading to your kids isn't as good as you might think because they're not actually learning to read. Ok, did anyone actually think that 3-year-old Jimmy was learning to read when you sat down with him? No! He's learning to enjoy reading! If people actually take this study seriously, they're going to stop reading to their kids because they think it's not helping them to read. And then what good did this study do?

Football's Back

So this morning at 10am tickets to the CFL Eastern Division Championship went on sale for the Rogers Centre (or the Ted) in Toronto. The game's got the Argos' and whoever wins the Eastern Semi-final. I got my tickets finished at 10:02am and the closest I could get was 2nd deck, 8th row. Don't get me wrong, they're really good seats, but 2 years ago, that many tickets to a football game selling that fast in Toronto would have been unheard of. They're actually expecting to sell out the place (over 50,000) for the first time for football since the 1997 season. The CFL has always been viewed as kind of a second rate product in Toronto but young people are starting to get back in to it in Toronto and it's creating quite a buzz as proven by the sales this morning.

It's the first time the Eastern Final has been hosted in Toronto since 1997, so it's the biggest game here in quite some time. It should be a huge buzz around the city for the next little while as the Argos' try to reclaim the Gray Cup again this year. Sunday November 20 at 3pm if anyone else wants to try and get seats.... but you won't be sitting anywhere near as close as me! Suckers!

Wow, Some People Need Sleep.

I saw something yesterday that made me laugh. I came down to what passes for a bus terminal in this town and jumped on a city bus. Now, bear in mind this bus's main job is to shuttle people from the downtown to the university, which takes maybe 15 minutes. I got on the bus, weaved through the people who were still looking for seats or standing and was lucky to find a seat between two people. As the bus took off, I noticed that the person on my right was snoring! I don't just mean a little bit. He was snoring really loudly.

Now let's think about this. I got on the bus at the main drop-off point where all the buses come in. I didn't get on the bus in the middle of the route. This guy was already on the bus. How long had he been just riding the bus snoring? Second, there is so much noise on this bus. It's usually a full bus and sometimes it doesn't stop for people once it gets too full because they can't physically cram anymore people on the bus. And this guy slept through it all. He never moved when I got off the bus either. And boy was he ever lucky to even get a seat to sleep on. I don't know where he was intending to go, but something tells me he missed his stop. Wonder if he's still there?