Enough Topic Changes To Make Your Head Spin

It's been a few days since I've said anything and right now I've got some time to write so here I am. This might be the last time you hear from me this year because the annual Newyears Eve extravaganza officially kicks off today. Yeah, I know the holiday isn't until Wednesday but there are people who are coming in from out of town who can't stay for the big one so we're going to have a little one instead. Then everybody else shows up and the big one starts and it has potential to carry on until Sunday. So long liver, it's been good to know ya.

Speaking of parties, I was honoured to be ranked number 3 on Matt's top 5 parties of the year list. That August party was a really great time and I'm not sure how the upcoming shindig is going to be able to top it but all we can do is try and hope for the best. On my own personal list that party would be right near the top, its only really close competition being the ringing in of 2K3, and only then because that party was longer. August had more people and more crazy shit happened but there's just something about the last Newyears party that makes me look back on it with happy fuzzy memories. So either of those parties could be number 1 for me, but we're all just not good enough for Matt so we're only number 3. Then again, I'm not going to the Olympics either. Maybe if I bought a ticket, but unless it's the Fat Fuck Olympics it just ain't gonna happen so I'll just be happy with number 3.

At every party, there is music and the party on your computer we're having right now is no different, so lets talk music for a minute or 2.

First of all, there are no Notes From The Tone Deaf over on
Salty Ham
this week. I thought about doing up a little something for today because I ended up with slightly more time than I thought I was going to but I realized before I even got started that whatever I wrote would suck and the idea I had for a column wasn't topical anymore seeing as Christmas had to go and fall on the 25th which totally didn't work with my schedule at all. Why couldn't Santa have his birthday some other time? Maybe he's reading this now and he'll change it for next year.

Crazy In Love?!?! Song of the summer?!?! Matt, you are such a...oh forget it. Making fun of you for that is just too easy and too predictable. I've got no gripes with the rest of the top 5 and if that shitty Crazy In Love song had to be in there, at least it was number 4 and it beat out something that's not even a single yet. To be honest, I can't even remember what that song sounds like, nothing stands out about it at all, other than its complete shittiness.

Here are my own top 5 songs of the year, just to show Matt how this is supposed to work. Sure the rest of his list was fine but the inclusion of that 1 song shows me that he's not quite there yet. Same rules apply here as in Matt's list. The songs aren't all from this year, they're just the songs that I either started to like after a long time, stuff that came out this year that wasn't ass, or songs that I rediscovered my love for.

5. The Best Deceptions - Dashboard Confessional
I'm not a huge fan of Dashboard, but there's just something about this song that I like. The writing is great for a winey song, and it's a fun song to sing when you've got a friend around who knows how to play guitar. If you've heard that song and are thinking "he's gotta be shitting me, ain't no way he can sing that song," you're wrong, I can actually do it. It's not as good as the original, but for somebody like me, it's pretty impressive even if I do say so myself. A few other people have also said so themselves, but this isn't about me, wait, yes it is, forget it.

4. Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
When Jack White isn't out
beating the fuck out of other musicians,
he's making some mighty fine music. I almost put their cover of "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself" in this spot but I can't even remember how long Army was stuck in my head.

3. Mr. Brownstone - Guns N Roses
Yeah yeah yeah, the song's old, so what? Who's list is this anyway? I've never been a diehard GNR fan, but they've done a lot of stuff that I like and until sometime this year, this was one of those songs that was always in the back of my mind, but one that I never really thought about. I can't remember what prompted me to listen to it again but am I ever glad I did.

2. Just Because - Jane's Addiction
When I heard that they were putting out a new album after 13 or so years away from the scene my first thought was, they've been gone that long? But after hearing "Just Because," I'm glad they're back. There wasn't much out there on commercial radio this year that had the kind of punch that this song has. Well other than...

1. Cochise - Audioslave
What can I say, I just love this song. Everything about it is great. It's hard, the music is great, Chris Cornell is in it, and it gave radio a nice good kick in the ass, even if it didn't end up meaning anything in the long run because they stopped playing it in favour of the more mellow Audioslave tracks that have come out since. This is just such a great song. No more needs to be said.

Honourable Mentions
Just a few songs that didn't make the list.
Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet, just not the shitty live one they did for
Rolling Stone.
Barenaked Ladies - Another Postcard
The Offspring - Hit That, fuck you Matt, it's a good song.
The Strokes - New York City Cops, song is a couple years old, but I like it anyway. Ok, so I discovered it last year, but lots of people might not have heard it because it was pulled off of their album after September 11th. Go find the song, it's a good one.
The Longest Time - Billy Joel, this is going to make sense to like 3 people, but again, who's list is this?

Well that was fun wasn't it? Hey, I heard that! Now we're going to quickly switch topics again before I get out of here for the time being. Just a couple of site things. First of all, as of this writing, we have had a total of 3187 hits on this site since the middle of October when we started it, and a disturbing number of them seem to be obsessed with the size of Randy Orton's genitalia and naked pictures of hockey players. Thanks for all the hits and feel free to keep them coming, even if you're a penis loving wack job.

The other thing I wanted to do was to thank all of you for reading this stuff every day, or every week, or whenever you show up here. Without all of you, well, we'd probably still be doing this, only for less people. It's cool to know we've got an audience though, even if it's not the biggest or sometimes the smartest one.

A big thanks also goes out to the people who linked to us, especially the ones that we didn't have to beg. And a special thanks to Roland, or Not Roland, whatever he's calling himself these days for all of the kind words and for the swank writing job over at
Salty Ham.
It means a lot when complete strangers enjoy your work and actually take the time to tell you so. Gees, I'm getting emotional.

On that happy note, let's end this thing before something pisses me off and I ramble on about it for another 15 pages.

Happy Newyear all, I'll see ya when I see ya.

The Streak Is Over. Shut Up.

Well, I got a few things to say hear... all of which pertain to hockey so those of you not into the sport mayve now move on.

First and foremost. Fuck New York. Seriously. The Islander fans are easily THE whiniest fans in the NHL. Honestly, I have never watched a game from Long Island where the fans were not retardedly pro-Isles. The fans should, obviously, be siding with their team but not EVERY Toronto hit should be called a penalty so STOP BOOING! They're whiney little sheep who either don't know the game well enough or are just stupid enough to believe that no one should touch their team. Harry Neil said it best during the broadcast after Darcy Tucker laid a hit on Kenny Johnsson when he said "If the Leafs ever traded Tucker to the Isles, the fans would think he's just another agressive forward and be one of their favourites.". That's it on that. Just, fuck New York. I don't think I really hate the team liek I thought I did, just the people that turn out to support them.

So, the streak is over. 16 strait games with at least a point. That's great but I know fans will be phoning up the radio talk shows saying how poorly they played tonight and how Quinn should be fired and blah blah blah. You CAN'T win every game. You can't even tie every game and most teams can't even go 16 with at least a point. In fact only two teams have ever done that before them. So with that said. Lighten up. It was the second game of a back-to-back in a physical arena and the Islanders are a tough opponent who have turned it around in the last couple of weeks. There's nothing to worry about in this loss and the Leafs should hold their heads high. They play Florida next and don't be surprised if they start up another mini-streak. If there was one thing that bothered me about the Leafs tonight, it was...

The fact that Ed Belfour has given the Leafs a chance to win in almost every game this year... even the ones they have no business being in. The Leafs have won a lot of games this year where they were the second best team on the ice and its thanks to Belfour. He gives them a chance to win on their worst night.... So shouldn't that be returned to him. Let me make this clear. I'm not upset that the streak is over... I'm a little upset that the Leafs couldn't help out Belfour. You'd like to think that on a night where your goaltender is struggling (and he clearly was) you could do what he's done for you and get him a win when he maybe doesn't deserve it. He was clearly off of his game and not seeing the ice well. Don't get me wrong. Both goals he allowed were gonna be very tough to stop but with the way he was playing the puck and some of his passes, you could tell he just wasn't on his game. It would have been nice if the Leafs could have gone down and gotten him the goal or two that he needed to squeak one out tonight. But that's really small potatoes I guess. I mean it really is the first time in a long long time that you could say Belfour wasn't on top of his game... and even with him not on his game I wouldn't say that he cost the Leafs the game by any stretch.

Top Ten Parties Of The Year

Ok, so this one won't be of much interest to pretty much any of you but me. That's fine. This is the top five parties, celebrations, shindings, so-ons of the year. Let's roll.

5. Leafs/Flyers. Game 6. April. Lambton College Residence.
What can I say? This was one fucking sweet night. Just a few of the boys in one of the residence lounges with an abundance of beer, a great hockey game and an understanding that none of us would be getting to class the next morning. The Leafs ended up winning in the second overtime (I believe, possibly third) and it's a good thing cuz we were almost out of beer. It was just a great night.

4. Canadian Championship Celebration/March/ Sudbury's Comfort Inn.
So we (Ontario) had just won our 7th strait Canadian Goalball Championship and we're in the mood for fun. We re-routed one of the shuttle buses on the way back from the venue to the hotel to the beer store and "stocked up." After showerin' up the team and coachs congregated in one hotel room and commenced the celebration. Despite it being Ontario's 7th title, it was only my second since I had just joined the team and it was great cuz I had actually been a starter in the championship for the first time. Even better was the fact that, my buddy, Tyler was there and it was his first title. We'd trained together for a long time so that was cool. Then there was the champagne headstands in the trophy and then once we were nicely tanked... off to teh banquit to be presented our metals in front of everyone. The party carried on until about 3 or 4 complete with a power outtage and everything. Was a night not soon to be forgotten.

3. Steve's Summer Suds-fest/August/Steve's Apartment.
What can I say, Steve? Hell of a party. Good enough to be ranked number three of my entire year. Nothing to out of the ordinary for a house party. Lots of beer, lots of drunkin' singing, the destruction of a once great Don Henley song, some guitar, some blind kid throwin' up on the most comfortable chair in the place making the chair unusable. - Yes this party truly had everything. I can only hold out hope that New Years will be equally as great.

2. Post Quebec Home Coming Party/August/My House!!!
Really not much to say about this one. We had just qualified for the Olympics and I was coming home feeling no pain after a night of drinking in Quebec City. Truth be told, I left the bar in Quebec and went strait to the airport for my morning flight at 6am. I got home and went to bed and got a phone call to hear that we were having a company that night to celebrate. At first, ya, not real happy to hear it as I had no sleep and was now in hang-over land... and in there deep. The idea grew on me though and once it happened I thoroughally enjoyed it. Just some family and close friends out to the house to say congratulations and show off some pictures to and such. It was nothing big but it was a really cool feeling for me to have everyone there after something like that. It ranks up there with the highlights of my year... and only slightly behind...

1. Olympic Qualifying Party/August/Quebec City
So this was about a day or two before the journey home. We managed to squeak our asses in to the Olympics playing at a level that was just not our best which is really a testiment to our team... but not what this is about.
We went to the medal presentations and then high-tailed it back to the athlete's village to shut out the rest of the world and celebrate with the just the boys that did the job. We got royally tanked and then...
Yup, then found out we had a meeting with Canad'as Minister Of Sport. Oops. We were about to go meet a man who directs all sport in this country who had come to check out our sport and now meet the players. We walked in to this swank little room hoping that we could have him leave with no vomit on his shoes. It turned out fine, though we were out of place. There was a violinist playing and people in suits and serving whine and such. We, however, were athletes half in the bag with bad mouths and ... well. I don't gotta say more. We got through that alright and then down to the pub. Or "Le Pub" as it was called in Quebec City. Seriously, that's what it was called. Le Pub. It's like finding a bar in Toronto called "The Bar." Anyway, we started celebrating with some other Team Canada athletes from other sports and eventually the Minister of Sport walked in to the Pub. He came and sat down with us and ordered us a round. It was unreal. Turned out he hated all the swank bull shit too and he just sat there shootin' the shit with us. It was great. That party ended with the sun coming up but it was a great night with real reason to celebrate and some pretty unforgettable moments.

So that's my top five of the year. Shit, was that ever long. All I can hope is that Steve's New Years bash is up there for next years list. I'm lookin' forward to it.

That's it for today.

Top Tens.... BOOOO!

Well i'm bored, slightly intoxicated and can't sleep so I figured I'd come on here. I've been surfin' around the net and it's the time of year where everyone has to put up there Top 10/5/100/whatever things of the year. So, I wouldn't want to be left out of the lameness so between now and New Years I will throw up a few different Top Five lists just for shits and giggles.

We'll start with the Top Five Songs Of The Year. Now not all of these were released this year but I, either, stumbled upon them this year or rediscovered them this year or whatever. They are just kind of the top five songs that I was in to this year. Some of them may surprise you.... but probably not. Let's go....

5. Spare Me The Details - The Offspring
4. Crazy In Love - Beyonce/Jay-Z (Yup.)
3. One People, One Struggle - Anti-Flag
2. About A Girl - Nirvana
1. Tall Cans - The Transplants.

So feel free to comment on my list or post your own. I'm sure most comments will be centered around Crazy In Love... but that's fine. You can't argue that it was probably the song of the summer and when I look back on Quebec City this summer (big event in my life) I probably heard that song 49 times while I was there so it sticks. The rest of them shouldn't be too shocking.

More Later

Merry Ho Ho & Shit

Well Steve's right. I am quite busy and don't give a shit about any of you. So, I'll just take a minute to say Happy Holidays and Be Safe and I'll be back another time.

Also, don't forget the World Junior Hockey Championship. Canada opens up tomorrow morning at 11am EST against host-nation Finland. It's great hockey so try and catch as much as you can.

Happy Holidays.

Merry Christmas From The Comet

Just a quick note to say merry christmas to those of you who care to be wished merry Christmas. However you're spending your holidays, I hope they're as safe and as happy as possible. Also remember that this note comes from me and me alone. Matt is perfectly capable of wishing you good tidings on his own time and if he doesn't, keep in mind that it's most likely because he hates you all and doesn't give a shit about you or your holidays, or maybe he's busy or something and just doesn't have time. My guess would be a little of both. Merry Christmas to Matt too though, in spite of all the infighting and the fact that he's responsible for most of it, he's still a pretty good guy.

Before I get out of here I'd just like to remind you not to drink and drive. Drink first, then drive. Doing the 2 at the same time is just too damned hard.

Christmas Parties, I Quit Drinking, And Possibly Some Other Crap

Well hi, how's it going? I'm doing pretty well, thanks for asking. My holiday has been fairly busy just like I thought but tonight ended up being a lot less eventful than I thought it was going to be so here I am. I'm pretty much making the family rounds all week, seeing everybody that I either don't see much of or see too much of but have to see again because it's Christmas and somehow that makes seeing the same people you just saw different, not really sure how that works. I have 3 Christmas dinners and 1 more get together left to go this week and then it's back home to ring in the new year twice. Once with a couple of people who can't come to the real party, and then the real party. Man, this is gonna be rough, but fun.

As busy as things have been there really isn't all that much interesting stuff to post up here, other than that I quit drinking this week. Anybody who tends to have a few drinks every now and then probably knows what I'm talking about. You're somewhere and you're having a good time and you get a little carried away with the booze, drinking anything that anybody gives you, and pouring your shots a little bigger each time, whether you mean to or not. Then you wake up the next day and you're not having such a good time anymore. God, I hate hangovers. Everything about the way they opperate just pisses me off, especially the unpredictability factor. I've had days where I've killed a 12 pack and gotten up the next day feeling just fine while everybody else around me who didn't drink half that much is half dead. Then there are the times when I'm the guy who didn't drink half that much and I'm half dead. I hate that.

But back to my main point. I had one of those hangovers a couple days ago that makes you rethink your entire life. I could hardly move, everything hurt, it was terrible. At one point I was just sitting there thinking enough of this shit, I'm done. Never again will I fucking pay money to feel like shit, this is stupid. I could be doing so many better things with my time, I don't even wanna think about how much time I'm wasting on this crap. So that was it, I was officially off the sauce...for about 11 hours. Damnit, it's Christmas and besides, rehab is for quitters.

I was checking the site stats this afternoon and I noticed that over the last few days a lot of people have been getting here from the search engines. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for sticking around if you liked what you saw but fuck you all for not searching for something weird thus depriving me of material. I did see somebody looking for naked pictures of Matt Stajan again though so hope is still alive. Thanks to everybody else who's been checking out the site, the numbers haven't gone down as much as I thought they would this time of year. You all must either really like us or have no lives to speak of. My guess is a little of both.

Anyway I think that's enough for now. I'm out of random crap to write down so I'm gonna go watch the news and catch some sleep. I'm tired, and I need to get myself ready for the next week or so, it's gonna be hell on the sleep cycles, which isn't really something I need but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

So happy anything you're celebrating, I'll talk to you all later.

Just Checkin' In

Happy Holidays, All
Well as Steve said on Friday updates for the next little while will be few and far between as you're busy, we're busy and there's just not much going on worth talking about as the hole world seems to kind of slow down for this few weeks.

There's an interesting little discussion going on over at on the comment board of Scott's Blog. They're speaking, hypothetically, about if there were to be a Bret Hart 3 DVD set come out and what you would want to see included on it. Nothing's been anounced for said DVD but it's a neat thing to think about. Go check it out and chime in if you feel like it.

So, the Leafs win 2 more this weekend. Not too shabby. I think we're at 14 strait games with at least a point. They have Florida on Tuesday before back to back games with the two New York teams in New York. They should do fine against Florida but the back to back could spell the end of the streak. Still, it's been impressive.

There's no Towel Snap or Notes from the Tone Deaf this week but still go and check out Salty Ham for all the other cool features. Things may not be thrown up there as frequently cuz of the holidays but there's always newsbits and things to keep you amused for a bit.

I went to the Oshawa Generals game on Friday night with about 9 other members of the family. They were having their annual "Teddy Bear Toss' where they ask everyone to bring a stuffed animal to throw out on the ice after the Generals score their first goal and all the animals are given to different children's charities around town. It was a pretty cool thing to see. The Gens scored about 15 minutes in to the first period and down came the toys. Now. Here's the problem. We were sitting in the first two rows of the crowd... guess what that means. Yup. Anyone who couldn't throw their toy far enough ended up pelting us in the back and the head with their animals. It was poor planning on our part to be sure. My cousin actually got hit with one that came clear across the hole rink from the other side. In total, over 2400 toys were thrown down to the ice for charity. I thought that was pretty good out of a crowd of about 3000. That many toys can go along way. There were even people coming in with some of the huge 5 foot tall ones that you see at carnivals and stuff. And a few people just threw down entire garbage bags full of stuff toys. It took about 20 minutes for all the volunteers to clear them all off the ice before the resumed the game.

Well, that's it for now I guess. I'll try and get back with something else over the next few days. Work is a bit slow right now so I have a bit of time on my hands so if I get some content I'll try and get some more up here over the next few days. Don't look for much from me from Christmas through New Years though.

Later, All

The Holidays Start Today!

This morning when I got up and came to check the site, I thought I'd accidentally gone to the wrong place by mistake. Something was horribly wrong I thought to myself as I scanned the page trying to figure out what seemed different. Did somebody get hold of our passwords and put something there? Did the site get redirected somehow? Did I type the wrong address by mistake? Then I realized that it was just Matt posting something and I calmed down, until it hit me again that Matt posted something and I went into shock all over again. Welcome back, buddy!

Just as a small update to yesterday's shower saga, I managed to shower this morning without incident. Yesterday I actually had a bath, how gay is that? I didn't do it out of fear, I did it out of pain, and it seemed to help. I'm feeling a lot better today so I guess maybe it's not quite as fruity as it would be under normal circumstances.

Now on to the real important stuff. Today is my birthday! Only 1 exclamation mark on that, and for a good reason. Any more than that and I might as well just start offering to suck dicks for some extra cash. A guy should only be so excited about his birthday and anything beyond that point should be questioned heavily by all of his friends and family, not to mention gay Seth from down the street who's always had a thing for him, and may now be able to actually give it to him. Multiple exclamations are fine for the girls, but guys, not so much, at least not for special ocasions like this.

But seriously, I am happy about it being my birthday today. I like my birthday, probably because I'm not feeling old yet. That's next year when 25 hits. The reason I say that is because of something my Uncle told me years ago when he turned 25. He said "now I'm part of the quarter century club." That kinda freaked me out when I realized that there were 100 years in a century which meant 4 quarters, and he'd already used up one of them...and most people don't live to be 100! I guess I should try not to think about getting old, even though putting it out of my head ain't gonna stop it.

But with the coming of my birthday comes the beginning of Christmas. Because they're so close together I usually end up having some sort of party on my birthday or traveling home to see my family and spend the holidays with them. So what does this mean for you, our loyal Vomiteers? Well, simply put, it means that I won't be around much to update the site in the next while. I'll try to check in now and then when computers and time are both at my disposal at once but I'm not going to promise the world when it comes to content from me in the next week or so. Not sure what Matt's deal is, but I'm betting it's going to be similar to mine. Keep checking back with us though, there may just be something for you to enjoy or hate, whatever your preference.

I might be back later to tell you about my birthday, but it all depends on amount of excitement and coherentness levels when the time comes. So if we don't talk for awhile, have a happy holiday season, no matter what you're celebrating.

OK. For Real This Time

I said I'd be back later..... It's later.

So I haven't really posted anything other than a cheap link to my column in like a week or something. That ain't cool. But oh well. Steve kept the content going smoothly after we got through a weekend with not one post.

I should start by saying that I had a wonderful shower this morning with little-to-no climate change in water other than what I did myself and not one attempt on my shower's part to toss me out. Things are looking up.

One thing that's really pissed me off this week (and those of you who've read my Salty Ham Column will know where I'm going) is this hole thing with the NFL and Joe Horn. The guy made a nice play to score a big touchdown and he was punished for his choice of celebration methods. He didn't hurt anyone and he didn't mock anyone so what's the big deal. The celebrations are what makes football unique to other sports and one of the big draws to the game. the league doesn't realize just how important this is and trying to put a cap on players excitement and intensity will, in turn, hurt the game. I think the fact that he was fined $30,000 is a joke and I hope that he wins his appeal.

It's less than a week away from Christmas, and as I suspected, my tollerance level for the rest of humanity is at a tremendous low. I was at the mall last night and it was absolute insanity. There was literally hundreds of people running through the halls and everyone had the same "where i want to be is twice as important as where you want to be" attitude. It made it very difficult to keep that Christmas Spirit in tact. Until...

After watching everybody in the place treat everyone else like crap and act like the end of the world was coming, I was pleasantly surprised as I went to leave the mall in a terrible mood. I decided to go outside and wait for the people I was with to finish at the bank machine since it had gotten so hot in the mall. I had only two bags in my hand and they were by no means huge or heavy. As I approached the door to the outside I was following a little girl (probably about 8) and what I can only assume was her father. The girl was carrying a small box that required her to use both hands. Her father pushed through the door and she followed but before she was out stopped and put her back against the door to hold it for me. As I walked through she looked up at me and said "I hope you have a Merry Christmas." in probably the cutest little voice I'd heard in quite some time. I looked down at her and smiled and said "Well, thank you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas, too." and walked through the door. As I stopped outside to wait she walked by me again and stopped and said, holding up the box "This is what I got my mom for Christmas". She did not however open the box to reveal what was inside so I didn't really know what to say. I didn't have to. She kept talking. "I saved all the money I could since school started. I hope she will like it." and then she turned and walked after her father.

You just can't help but smile after things like that. My faith in humanity was re-affirmed before I went home. It didn't hurt that she was so cute. She had that "Michelle from Full House" look and sound to her. It was definitely the highlight of my night. I hope her mom likes it, too. Kids are great.

Happy Holidays Everyone.

What's With All The Naked People?

Just spotted this one.

17 Dec, Wed, 13:24:06
Google:
matt stajan nude

Ok Matt, help this guy out,you're the bigger hockey fan.

May He Rest In Peace

There's a guy in our building who loves him some techno music. He loves it so much in fact that while I was putting the final touches on that last post at about 3 minutes to 7, he started listening to it, loudly! Loudly enough that the floor underneath my feet is vibrating in time with whatever song he's playing. Surprisingly, there hasn't been any gunfire yet. If somebody kills him, and somebody probably should and not just because he likes techno music, I'll let you know.

I Hate My Shower Because My Shower Hates Me

I'm convinced that my shower doesn't want me to live here anymore and that it's been doing everything in it's power to get me so pissed off that I'll just say screw it and move out.

It all started out gradually with the odd temperature switch without warning, a pretty standard shower thing to do. I took no notice. Then it started doing it more than it had been but again, I just figured it was the time of day that I was using it and the number of other people in the building who were doing the same thing putting a demand on the water supply that it was having a hard time keeping up with. Again, no notice taken and no hard feelings. The shower was doing the best it could to keep me clean. But after awhile I started to notice something. Actually 2 things. For one thing, the drastic changes in water temperature were starting to get more extreme, and to top it off, time of day stopped becoming an issue. Whether I hopped in the shower first thing in the morning or late at night, it would pull the same shit. There I'd be, washing my hair or standing under the thing to rinse off in the perfect stream of water that I'd set for myself and boom, I'd either fry or freeze. I'd also scream, which indirectly brought something else to my attention.

Now as I've mentioned, up to this point I was trying to be accepting and understanding of the bathroom implement so as not to cause any friction between us because let's face it, we needed each other, and both for the same reason. In return for keeping me clean, I'd do the same for it. But there comes a time when respect has to be tossed aside and for me, that time came at the exact moment when both of the people I lived with at the time looked at me like I was retarded when I complained about how weird the shower was acting. Once they both said that nothing like that had ever happened to them even after they'd gone in after me, that was it. The gauntlet was thrown down. This was war. The son of a bitch shower must have seen things the same way because the climate changing assault on my personage intensified at around the same time as I was set to make my formal declaration. The shower had trumped me again.

Realizing that this was not a war that I would be able to win I decided to take another approach, that being reasoning with it. So the next time I took a shower I decided to have a man to nozzle talk with it to see if we couldn't get to the heart of the problem and sort out our differences. The shower however had other ideas and all my reasonable dialogue got me was a blast of water cold enough to flash freeze a penguin.

So with the battle lines clearly drawn, I started responding the only way I knew how, by cursing at it and childishly kicking it when I went into the bathroom. It didn't teach the sonofabitch a goddamn thing but it made me feel slightly better to know that I had my own form of revenge, small as it was. We went on for months this way the shower and I, and it seemed that we had reached a stalemate and that tensions had reached their peak and were now levelling off. That is, until yesterday afternoon.

Looking back on it, I should have known something was up. The shower was being uncharacteristically kind to me. The water stayed at pretty much the same temperature all the way through, and it was so pleasant in fact that I began thinking that maybe it had had a change of heart and was ready to put all of this pettiness behind us. But any dreams I had of negotiating a ceasefire were shattered when the shower pulled from it's bag of tricks what could best be described as it's own WMD.

As I turned around to rinse myself off, my foot started to slip out from under me. The shower was trying to throw me out! I quickly tried to grab for something to steady myself but to no avail. I did however manage to buy myself enough time to not fall down and give myself one last chance at balance. I had to twist around to grab at the window sill which up to that second I thought would be responsible for my shattered face. Fortunately, I managed to counter it's attack and stay standing but not without suffering aggravating personal injury. For as I contorted my body in the name of staying upright and unharmed, I felt something pull in my back. I don't know what it was but man did it hurt, and man does it still hurt now. But although I hurt myself I was proud of the fact that I had managed to avert certain disaster and that the full force of the ambush was not to be realized. It wasn't until much later that I realized the complexity of the shower's plan.

Though simple enough on the surface, the depth of what the shower had accomplished was stunning, especially for a metallic inanimate object. For even though things failed to go exactly as planned since I didn't actually fall out of the tub, or even fall down, I still got hurt, and I got hurt in an area that would make my life difficult. The immediate back pain made cleaning the house, which I was planning to do after the shower all but impossible and out of the question. Even leaning over to take a CD out of my computer was more exertion than I was prepared for.

And things only got worse at bed time. I started out on my back so as to give it some support and hopefully stop the pain, or at least lessen it. This worked for awhile until I noticed that everything was stiffening up the longer I stayed in that position. Sleeping on my stomach is just not an option, I have no idea how people do that. I couldn't sleep on my sides because when I did it just made my back hurt more. So, utterly defeated, I resigned myself to a pretty much sleepless night, which it was since I've been awake since 3:30 this morning unable to lay down for long periods of time.

So now here I sit, in pain and exhausted in my computer chair, realizing that I've been beaten in the game of psychological warfare by a fucking bathtub. And just what makes me so sure that I've been beaten? Well, eventually I'm going to need to clean myself up, and putting heat on my back is something I'm going to have to do sooner than later. And where do you figure I'm gonna have to go to accomplish these things?

So if a lot of time passes and you don't hear from me, ask Matt where you can send the get well cards.

Evil Test

If you're sitting around right now wondering how evil you are then friend I've got a treat for you. All you have to do is take the
evil test,
and you'll have your answer.

So how did I do on this test? Well, if the goal is to be as evil as possible by answering the questions as honestly as I can, not so good. Here's my result.

Bad puppy

"Naughty" would be the word that best describes you. No real evil genius here, maybe just someone trying to in an attempt to look tough.
I'd say cut that shit out and go do something else, because the real definition of evil isn't in your dictionary.

If any of you click over and take the test, feel free to post your results to the comment board. Have fun, and until we meet again, I'll be off cutting that shit out.

It's A Long One Again

Well this is the second time I've written this so I'm a little bit pissed off but here is the link to Salty Ham Sports where you can check out the newest edition of the Towel Snap. It's the last one of the year most likely so go check it out and I'll be back later with some real content.

Much Love

You Make The Call

I invite you to read
this
and
this
and make up your own minds on which you believe to be the truth. It's pretty obvious which one is funnier though.

Me Helping You

Like I've said before, I'm all about helping you guys out whenever possible. So on that note I would like to give you all a bit of advice. If people break into your home and attempt to make off with your marijuana plants, do not under any circumstances call the police to report it. Just cut your losses and let it go. No good can come from doing something like this, as you'll see below.

SYDNEY - An Australian man who notified police to report that thieves were trying to break into his home and steal his cannabis plants ended up getting arrested himself. The police came to the house in Adelaide, capital of the state of South Australia just after midnight to discover four men trying to get away with the plants, which were being grown in two rooms there. The men were arrested, along with the 23-year-old homeowner, who was later charged with illegally growing 16 cannabis plants. "He was calling from underneath his bed," a police spokesman said. "I don't know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product."

Bizarrenews.com

A Christmas Story

This just makes me feel happy inside.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold,
and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts
that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the shopping mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard
a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy
of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat.
He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from
the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him
what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came
from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters.
His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was
poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very
little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred
dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy
had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second
job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings
and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even
entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred
dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me..."

I realized then that absolutely no one could have heard that poor
boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my
truck.

More Weird Search Terms

In a continuing effort to keep you all up to date on some of the weird ways people find this site through search engines, I give you these 2 items.

16 Dec, Tue, 08:17:08
Google:
the joe shmoe nude pictures

Well, at least it's not Randy Orton's penis, but still...

But I think the funniest recent one is this.

16 Dec, Tue, 06:13:24
Yahoo: '
siegfried and roy' + 'homos'

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

More as I spot them.

I Should Have Known

I should have known something like this was going to happen sooner or later.
This Story
from CBC news says that the Canadian recording industry is about to start filing suits against it's customers like the RIAA has been doing for months in the United States. To hear industry head Brian Robertson tell the story, the Canadian record industry has seen a drop in sales of about 23 percent since 1999, or to put it in monitary terms, that's about 450 million dollars over that time period.

To the music industry I say the following. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm truly sorry that you've fallen on hard times. I'm sorry that sales are down. I'm sorry that I don't run out to my local record store or online retailer and buy every new CD that comes out on it's day of release whether I want it or not. I'm sorry that I don't buy as many CD's as I did before, even if it's because I have less money to spend. I'm sorry that when I do buy CD's, I buy most of them used because it's cheaper that way and because you bastards don't see a dime of my money. I'm truly sorry and realize that it's entirely my fault for wanting to save money. I should be more willing to let you and the companies you represent unfairly gouge me on music prices. I'm sorry for not being interested in a large majority of your shitty product opting instead to buy some of my music either direct from artists or from labels that aren't members of the big industry. I realize that times are hard for you and I should make an effort to become a bigger fan of crappy pop music. But most of all, I'm sorry that most music fans feel exactly the same way and that as long as you treat us like shit, we'll continue to respond in kind.

So go ahead and file those suits, I'm sure sales will start looking up because people like to be bullied and threatened into complying with the wishes of large corporations. Good luck with this campaign, you're gonna need it.

How About A Joke?

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to
the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful,
considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be
wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in
the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that
Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really
wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the
mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I
don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best
blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found
her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very
grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check,
indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I
must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she
cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit
cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice...

So I switched the heads.

Read This, Please

Just a quick note to let you know that my latest music column is up over at
The Ham.

It's The Grammys, it's the music industry, it's...Christmas terrorism? It's also a long one, so give yourself some time. Go forth, Vomiteers! Actually go first! Man, I'm retardedly lame these days.

Content? What Content?

Well we haven't exactly been setting the place on fire these days around here now have we? Well, I'm not here to change that, I'm just here to offer a few Saturday night thoughts. Not exactly thoughts about Saturday night, just thoughts that I'm writing down on Saturday night. Wow, this isn't starting off very well.

One thing that is going rather well is my Christmas shopping. Doing a quick count in my head right now I can only think of 3 things that I have to buy, and this is good. Generally by this time I've still got about half of my list to buy for and I end up having to pay off a bunch of credit card bills all at once. Not this year, I was all smart about it and stuff and started in October. Sure it might sound early, but who's gonna be laughing when you're out in the fucking snow or stuck dealing with all those assholes at the mall? Me, that's who. Damn but I loves me some online shopping. I did make a mall trip but it was at the beginning of December, in the middle of the week when things weren't so busy. I'm not sure when I became so good at planning ahead but I hope I don't forget how to do it by next year.

Speaking of Christmas, if there's anybody out there reading this who still needs to get me something or even just anybody who wants to for some reason, a copy of the new Barenaked Ladies album would rule. I can't get the single "Another Postcard" out of my head right now and I've heard a few other tracks from the CD and they all sound like some of the best stuff the guys have done in years. Surprisingly, I haven't even read a negative review about it yet and a fair bit of the time stuff I like gets shit on by people who are in a position to shit on things.

I'm sure you've noticed that I don't really have transitions between topics. I'm just going to write stuff down as it comes to mind, I've got a few days of not posting to make up for so bear with me here.

I'm watching the Leafs Rangers hockey game right now and I've gotta say I've seen better games. This one's still in the early stages and we've had 2 goals already but they weren't very nice and this just seems like one of those games that's not gonna be full of excitement. Oh well, as long as Toronto pulls out a win I'm cool with a shitty game.

It's good to see the Leaf team finally starting to come together. I was a little worried at the beginning of the season that we were going to be in for a long year but now I'm feeling pretty good about their chances of hitting the playoffs. I don't think that they're going to be a Cup contender by a long shot but it's nice to be able to support a team that can win now and again.

Canada has weird copyright laws. Our copyright board ruled yesterday that when it comes to the use of file swapping services, it's legal to download from them, but uploading to them isn't. At least our music industry isn't out filing lawsuits against 70 year-old grandparents who don't even own computers but who have somehow managed to download scads of gangsta rap through Kazaa.

Canada has a new Prime Minister as of yesterday. I'm sure going to miss Jean Chretien though. Man, that guy was so much fun to watch. He was scary and amazing at the same time. On 1 hand he had the guts to stand up to the US and not support the war in Iraq while on the other he gave us many pearls of wisdom like "I know, a proof is a proof. What kind of
a proof is a proof? A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof it's because it's proven."

And who can forget him choking out that protester a few years ago? The guy got in his way while he was trying to go somewhere so Chretien just took him the fuck down, it was great.

I'm looking forward to seeing what Paul Martin can do with the job. If his start is any indication, the Liberals might not be giving up power for a long time. Hell, if they could win 3 times with Chretien running the show then who knows how long they'll hold on to power. If an election were called tomorrow, I'd vote Liberal. Nobody else even comes close. There ain't no way in hell I'm voting for the new United Right Wing Alternative or whatever they're calling themselves and the only thing that Jack Layton of the NDP has done to stick in my mind is get punked out by another politician. Layton was trying to make somebody from the governing party, [can't remember who it was] look bad in front of a bunch of reporters by questioning him on an issue and the guy just said something like "ask me these questions when you've actually got a seat in the house." Burn.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I'll try not to disappear again like I did last time I said there'd be more. Well I suppose this is more so I didn't exactly lie but hopefully the next more will come sooner than this more did. Gees, I'm starting to sound more and more like Chretien all the time.

For All The Wrestling People

If you're looking for some Armageddon predictions,
then click here and start reading.
It's more great stuff from some of the Salty Ham staff, and Matt and I are in it too.

Note to Roland, next month I'll follow the format, I promise. At least I'm still loved though. And if I'm the most coherent writer on the site, we're all doomed.

They're Comin' Fast Now

Well everybody's favourite evil do-er, Satan, has chimed in with some more rejected Christmas Carols for us all to enjoy.

"Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged (981C2303 DOC)

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
(or)
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense

PARANOIA
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,


Or there's my favorite

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Got that way by drinking beer
One nite crashed Santa's sleigh
Cause he was way too drunk to steer

All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
Cause he was the funnel faced reindeer
When they all played drinking games

Then one drunken Christmas eve, Santa came to say
Who puked on the childrens toys
Think of all the sad girls and boys

Then all the reindeer got mad
And they shouted out you tool.
But they couldn't laugh at poor Rudolph
When he landed the sleigh in the pool.

He later died of liver disease
Merry Christmas


Thank you, Satan. You may now return to the bowels of hell where you came from. It's a very posh area, isn't it?

Thursday's Blogging BONANZA!!!

Hello everyone and welcome to YOUR Thursday. We got a few things to hit on, so let's get right at it. There hasn't been much put in the last few days so thanks for stickin' with us. But it's not like there's any shortage of things to check out over on the links list.

To that end.... Today we add another. Definitely worth your while to check out The Mozart's Ghost Radio Network. Some good stuff over there and its most certainly worth a click.

So New Years Eve is only 20 days away. I had a lovely chat last night with Steve about his "New Years Eve Countdown Of Choice". Be cool to get some feedback happening down on the comment board about which New Years Eve special you choose to have in the background at your New Years Bash.. or what event you choose to attend for that matter. Any New Years stories are welcome here. Has anyone heard any of the talent line-ups for any of the New Years specials. I haven't heard anything out of any of the major networks. There's usually some pretty solid musical performances put on for these things but I haven't heard anything as of yet.

Keeping with the festive talk; Thanks to Steve for sending me another rejected Christmas Carol. Don't ask me why he didn't post it himself as he has the power to do so... but thanks nonetheless to him.... Here it is...

Note: Those easily offended should scim over this. Hmmm, probably best you leave the site altogether now that I think about it. You've been warned.

"Here's a rejected Christmas song for ya if you're still looking for those.
Found it in a bunch of jokes I was looking at.

Deck The Halls, Gay Style
*************************
See the drag queen, his name is Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La

For 50 bucks, he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La

See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La

You should meet his brother Carol!
Fa La La La La La La La La

Don we now our gay apparel
Fa La La La La La La La La

Suck we now the pink meat barrel
Fa La La La La La La La La"

Thank you, Steve. Very... graphic. I'm sure all the school children will be singing that come next Christmas... if you decide to let them out of your room, that is.

Well, that's about it for now but don't forget to go check out all the great stuff over at Salty Ham. I'm sure you'll see something you like over there.

I'm sure one of us will be back later with some more irrelevant crap to pass your way.

Later

Me Plugging Me

Well, just finished the column for Salty Ham Sports and sent it in so it should get posted anytime now by the good ol' admin folks over there so go check it out. Now, I gotta do some actual work so I'll be back later on with some more crap.

I'm Scared Of You People

One of the cool things about our hit counter is that we can see how people got here. No, we're not spying on you, it's all pretty standard stuff. Like if you click to us from somebody's site where there's a link to us, we can tell, that sort of thing. The coolest thing about this is that we can see when people come to us from a search engine and what it was they were looking for at the time. But while this is cool, it's pretty disturbing sometimes when you actually sit down and go through some of the search terms.

We get our fair share of normal stuff, like people looking for info on Joe Shmoe, which Matt has talked about quite a bit. We get some people looking for info on famous people or news stories and funny jokes, and I understand why our site shows up there too. But then there's the guy who came here looking for father daughter incest pictures. We don't have any but because Google just looks for words that match the search terms that the person types in, it found us because we've used words like fucking and father in different contexts quite a bit. Why some sick bastard would bother looking for things like that I'm not even gonna try to figure out, it just sucks that he landed here, even though we might have made a new fan or even if we didn't, he still counted as a hit.

I also saw somebody get here the other day while trying to find pictures of Randy Orton's penis. Sorry, none of those here either, unless Matt decides to share his secret stash.

But I think the weirdest one I've seen is this one.
01 Dec, Mon, 02:11:52
Google:
girlfriend picture Partying friends 2003 peeing

Don't ask me how exactly we fit in, I'm not sure.

I guess the morral of the story here is be careful what you look for online, somebody could be watching. We're kind of like Santa that way, we know if you've been bad or good so don't be a child molester for goodness sake.

It's Alive?

This morning when I turned on my computer to check my mail I found a couple of emails asking me where the site went. First of all, thanks, I had no idea you cared. As for where the site went, it seems like the Blog Spot server took a dump sometime over night and as a result, everybody's blog disappeared, well all but 1, which further confuses the situation. But I think everything should be back to normal now. Before I started writing this I checked again and it was working, and if you're able to read this, well, things are obviously back to normal again, at least for now.

In other news, it seems that I am
this week's RAW Rage Champion.
Funny part is that I wasn't even trying. I'm just that damn good I suppose, either that or the rest of the competition completely sucked, as opposed to my moderate sucktitude. Either way, you should read RAW Rage, Roland does a great job on that thing. Even if you've already seen RAW, and if you have you have my deepest sympathies, you should read anyway, if only for the tasty little extras.

Last night somebody posted a comment about
New Era Radio
saying that he or she listened for a little while but the guy on the air sucked and was annoying as hell. Agreed. Not only was he having sound problems, he doesn't have the voice for radio and he's a bit of an idiot to start with, at least that's my feeling from limited experience. The guy before him did an amazing show if you're into older rock music though, so they're still in my good books. It's open format radio, you've gotta take the good with the bad sometimes. And maybe shitty guy's shows will get better with time. I know that for me personally, I feel a lot better about the radio I do now than I used to, and I even thought my early stuff was pretty good, mostly because I'm an egotistical fuck. And when you add in the unpredictability of the internet and all of it's potential for technical problems, things can go wrong in a hurry. I've never done internet radio and I probably never will but it doesn't seem like the easiest thing in the world to do well. Look around
Shoutcast
a little and you'll see what I mean, especially when you get into the hobby stations.

Possibly more later, time and topics permitting.

Nothing To Talk About

So, I don't have much to talk about here. I was sick most of last week so I didn't do much of anything other than get some more Christmas shopping done. I didn't get spanked by an old man at a hockey game. I have no fun drunk stories to share with you. Man, I suck these days. The most exciting things I've done so far today are finish my column and do some stuff at the radio station. Not really prime site material. So instead, I'll send you to a couple of other places so you don't run out of things to do.

First, have a listen to
New Era Radio.
They're new, they have a lot of pretty cool sounding shows and the mix of music they play between live programs seems to be pretty solid. Anybody who plays "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" and the Marilyn Manson version of "Sweet Dreams" back to back has gotta be cool. They're an internet only station and they'll play just about anything. They're streaming in broadband and dial-up so there's no excuse not to listen. Well maybe there is, but listen anyway.

Ok, now that you've got some mood music, check out
this new section on Lots Of Jokes.com.
It's a whole bunch of practical jokes you can play on people. You can even submit your own after reading what they already have. Some of them are pretty funny.

When you're done with all that, come back here and see if either of us have said anything. For now, I'm gone.

Offspring And Such

Good Monday Morning to you all,
Well this will be short as I have much to, not the least of which being sending hate mail to carin over her views on "Hit That". But....

Last night I was listening to The New Music and they threw out another track from the new Offspring album that may have been good enough for me to overlook Hit That and have me buy the album. The track is called "Spare Me The Details" and I was really in to it. It's not your typical Offspring track at all as it's not very heavy at all but I loved it. I would highly reccomend you at least download the track.

Last night I was at the Civic Auditorium to watch one of the strongest rivalries in OHL as Oshawa took on Peterborough. Now it was a great game if you like drama but not if you like the Gens. They dropped down 5-1 early in the second period and eventually clawed their way back in to it over the next two period and almost tied it in the last minute but failed to do so, and lost. The game itself is not why I bring this up.

There is a standing room section where you can lean on this railing all the way around the arena so the seats are small and I'm not so for the second period I stood up there and watched the game. About 9 minutes in to the period somebody slaps the side of my ass. I turn around with the thought in my head that "if this is not someone in my family that I came with, they're hitting the floor". I turn around and see this creepy, little, gray haired man standing there glairing at me like he's the one that should be annoyed that someone has just slapped his ass. I stood there looking at him until he finally said, in a voice trying to sound like a bad-ass biker or something "y'wanna get outta my spot?". I look around in amazement at the brash of this Hanz Moleman look alike thinking of a number of things that I'd like to say to him before realizing that this is probably a guy who's been comming to these games since 1964 and has stood in the same place for every single game since then and if his routine was interrupted his head would probably explode so I gave him "his" spot back and moved down a bit.

From time to time through the period he would turn and glair at me which was starting to creep me out and eventually got bad enough that it made me decide I'd take my chances with the small seat and headed back down.

Sorry, I just hate people like that.

Be Back Later

New Stuff

Just a quick note to let you all know that I've got some new stuff posted over at The Ham which you can read by
clicking here.

This week I pick some Grammy winners and Carin explains why "Hit That" is a good song. So go check it out, it's the best thing you'll read until you read something else.

Something To Try

I can't figure out why this happens but it's extremely amusing. Go to
Google
and type the words "miserable failure" including the quotes into the search box and then hit the I'm feeling lucky button and have a look at where it goes. And before you ask, no, I'm not spending my days typing random phrases into search engines to see what I find. I found this while doing actual work, seriously.

Finally...

Just a quick note. The comments are back up and working. I still need to do some format work to make those ugly little numbers dissapear but it is functional if you decide you want to comment on something.
Thanks for your patience, everyone.

Time To Lay Down The Law Again

I hate having to do stuff like this and I really wish that people would stop making it necissary. I got a complaint yesterday from our friend Carin who has written things for this site that somebody who we know reads this site regularly has gone out, found her email address and added it to his or her email forwarding distribution list. This is not good and Carin has asked me to tell this person in no uncertain terms to cut it the fuck out. So person reading this, and you should know who you are, don't let it happen again, please. Carin isn't somebody you really want on your bad side, trust me. I'm telling you this for your own sake.

Thank you and good day.

I Loves Me Some Future Shop

It seems like I've finally gotten over the flu I've had for the last 3 days or so. All I have to do now is get my sleeping patterns back on track again, or at least as on track as my sleeping patterns ever get and I'll be set. This makes me happy.

Another thing that's been making me happy is
Future Shop.
I ordered something from them for the first time yesterday and it got here today. Yes, that's right, I said today. It only took them about 24 hours to get my stuff to me, and the shipping was free. The place is going to make me go broke buying CD's I swear.

In yet another piece of good news, Harry And The Hendersons wasn't on at 5:30 this morning, making my sleep deprivation a lot easier to deal with. I attribute this good fortune to the fact that the powers that be over at
The New PL
read Vomit Comet religiously every day and upon seeing what I had to say yesterday, realized what a stupid idea airing that show is, even in such a shitty timeslot and decided to put an end to it.

By the way, I should mention that this post is more than likely not going to contain anything of importants. If you don't want to read the rest of it, too late, you already have.

Some More Rejected Christmas Carols. (WITH BAD LYRICS AND EVERYTHING!)

Well, one of our more intellectually gifted Vomiteers has written in with 2 new Rejected Christmas carols and he has even taken the time to write out the lyrics too. Much thank you.... Well we'll call you Lunchbox's friend. Here they are....

"anyway, the point of this email is to deliver you two famous christmas
carols that i have whittingly (not sure if that is an actual word) rewrote.

song 1

we three kings were driving a car
but we didnt get very far
we were loaded and we drove it
into another car

ohhhhhhhh
when we hit it we took flight
we went flying through the night
when we landed our lives ended

i know that im missing a line, but they are dead, how can they finish
singing when they are dead.

song 2

jimmy the big hosed reindeer
had a 35" hose
and if you ever saw it
youd be like "thats a big hose"
none of the other reindeer
ever got to get a piece
they always knew ol' jimmy
would be the one to fill the crease

then one night one deer named roy
went to jimmys house
he cut off his willy with a ginsu knife
and said "im going to do some hos tonight"

now all the reindeer loved it
they could finally get a piece
jimmy the big hosed reindeer
your member is now decised

there you go, hope you liked them"

Well, there they are. Some tunes sure to be classics soon enough. I am the last person in the world who should criticize someone's grammar or spelling but... whittingly? Ah well. Different strokes for different folks and frequent strokes for this singing bloke.
More later,

Harry And The Hendersons

If I needed any more proof that having the flu sucked major league amounts of ass, I got it at about 5:30 this morning. Since my sleep is even more screwed up than usual these last few days I'm up at odd hours watching TV for lack of much else to do or the energy to do it if I had to. So there I am, flipping channels trying to find something to help me go back to sleep when I see something that I thought I would never see again. Ok, let me rephrase that. Something I hoped I'd never see again. Right there in front of me on channel 16 was a rerun of one of the stupidest shows in TV history. Harry And The Hendersons.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the greatness that is Harry, I'll be kind and fill you in. Around 1987 the Harry And The Henderson's movie came out. It was a cute kids movie kind of deal about a family that happens upon Bigfoot while out camping or something. I can't remember how they found him, for some reason I'm thinking they hit him with their car but that's neither here nor there. If anybody knows, shoot me an email or leave it on the new comment boards when they're up. But anyway, the family decides for whatever reason that they're going to take this big bastard into their home for awhile, I suppose to nurse him back to health since they just finished putting a vehicle up his ass. One thing leads to another and the family grows to love Harry in spite of all of the hilarious trouble he gets the family into and all of the stuff he breaks. They decide to keep him as their pet and as their friend even though they know that they'll have to go to great lengths to hide him from the Bigfoot hunters and the people who live near them who are quite rightly suspicious when they see that the folks next door have a big fucking unidentified animal living with them. Pretty ok concept for a movie when left on it's own. Heck, I remember thinking it was pretty cool back in the day. Of course, the key part of all of this is "when left on it's own," which it wasn't.

Flash forward to 1991 when somebody decides that this movie would make a mighty fine TV show. How he got anybody else to see things his way is something I'm only failing to comprehend a little bit less than how it managed to last for 2 years. Seriously, this show was like ALF, only lame. Yeah, this show was exactly what ALF would have looked like if ALF was a Bigfoot and if all of the funny parts were cut out, and if you replaced the Tanner family with people who couldn't act their way out of a wet paper bag and changed their name to Henderson. Oh yeah, don't forget to replace the good writing with whatever it was they were serving us here. And while we're changing things, replace all of ALF's witty dialogue with classic lines like "grrrrrr" and "errrrrg."

Now having said all of this I have to shamefully admit that for a short time I was a fan of this show. I used to watch it with my brother and sister and all the exposure started to go to my head. Thankfully, even the kids, who were 5 and 3 at the time soon realized just how fucking idiotic this show was and didn't want to watch it anymore. And when you consider that we're dealing with kids who still watched Sesame Street for years to come, that's pathetic.

Something Smells Sexy

Good Day to you all,

Well, I just did some online ordering from ticketmaster.com and I must say that I am most displeased. It's very rare that I do anything online that has to do with my money as there are just too many things that can go wrong. Lately, I've become more adventerous though making a few smaller purchases. But for anything big I tend to do it in person or with my credit card over the phone.

But today I figured I would book online with my Visa. So I go through the hole song and dance with the event and number of tickets and move on to the next stage with no major problems. Then I go through and put in all my mailing information and we're still in good shape as we move to the next page. I put in all my credit card information. Now at this point you click on a button that says "Buy Tickets Now". Above this button is IN BOLD LETTERS a quote that says the following. "Upon clicking this link, your credit card will be charged and there will be NO refunds or exchanges. All sales are final.". Well that's ok, right? I mean I want these tickets. So I click....

"An Error Has Occurred."

What? What the fuck? What error? This is my credit card and my MONEY we're talking about here. I don't want ANY errors. So I try to refresh the screen....

"This page cannot be refreshed as it has expired."

FUCK!!!! So, here's where I stand. I've just given information and permission for them to rip $200.00 out of my pocket but have no idea if they've done it or not. At that point, a confirmation page should have appeared.... but none did. I should have received a confirmation e-mail.... but I didn't. Well of course I didn't. That e-mail is triggered by the display of the Confirmation page in your browser which, as well all know, NEVER APPEARED!!!

So, by this time, I'm cursing the internet and my computer up and down. If I click over and do this again there's a chance I will end up with TWO sets of tickets for the same event which is, not only, pointless, but also, not gonna be good for my bank account. But! If I do not do it again and wait the seven days that they say my tickets will show up in and do not get them the event will be sold out and I will not be going, and neither will the good people who put their faith in me to get these tickets for us. (they had no choice, I'm the only one with a visa but still...)

So I sit in anger at my desk wondering where to go from here. I decide to call these people. I use the "Back" button on the browser to go to the page which shows me what seats I was going to end up with figuring that between having that info, and all my credit card info the people at the Ticket agency will be able to tell me if the purchase went through or not. Well..... it's not that simple apparently.

"I'm sorry sir. We're not permitted to give you that information."

WHAT???? You're not permitted to tell me if I JUST BOUGHT TICKETS FROM YOU?????

"Sir. Please calm down. We can't tell you because we have no way to know if it is you or someone else who may want to know where you are."

I HAVE the credit card information here to prove it.

"Sir, you could have stolen the credit card or the info. We have no way to know if you are the legal card holder or a thief."

What difference does it make? If I'm a theif, I'm the same damn one that just bought tickets now tell me if my crime spree was successful or not!

"Sir, your attitude does not help the situation. I will pass you on to my manager."

Please do.

So after speaking with the manager for another 15 minutes we finally worked something out and he was able to tell me that the purchase did not go through and help me get set up with better seats than I would have originally gotten so I suppose in the end things turned out alright... but it was a long long trip to get to that destination.

I Hate Computers

Things, Stuff, Thoughts, Randomness, And More Of The Same

Welcome to Thursday. I'm Steve, otherwise known as the member of the Vomit Comet staff who can spell. Unfortunately, I'm also still the member of the Vomit Comet staff with the flu, and the one with a wonky computer. One of those problems seems to be fixed now but sadly, it ain't the flu. Oh well, at least while I'm stuck here wasting away I'll have a computer to use.

My computer and I have this love hate relationship going on, kind of like Matt and a spellchecker. It sucks. I'm always super nice to this damn thing and I'm constantly doing things to it to make sure it runs properly and that it's secure from any sort of pests getting into it. In return for my kindness, all I expect from it is that it will behave at a level close to stable. When you're dealing with a Windows computer you can't expect much, what can I say? Most of the time, it's pretty cool to me, especially after I bought it more ram. It doesn't crash much on average, I've never had any sort of serious failures, and I can pretty much trust it to do everything I need it to do. But then there are times like yesterday when it just goes insane on me for no reason. Seriously, I couldn't do much of anything without something causing an error in something else that I couldn't explain. They're the kind of errors that you never have and can't figure out why you're having, but the ones that just serve to generally piss you off and mess up everything. So you set about trying to do everything in your power to figure them out, before eventually giving up and running every system maintenance tool you have, taking up about 12 hours of your time...and finding nothing. But then, just as suddenly as the problems started, they're gone. I hate computers.

But on to other topics. Right now on the front page of
Salty Ham
there is a poll asking what new feature you would most like to see added to the site. Go there and give us your opinion, because if you don't vote, you don't count. It's not like you have to write a big essay on the benefits of having more movie reviews either, all you have to do is click a button to pick your choice. Go there, do that, come back, I'll wait.

...

Ok, are we all back on the bus now? Good.

I'm not sure what sort of story Matt is writing, but I'm looking forward to seeing it. I just hope it's in English. Seriously, I'm sure it's going to be good so keep checking back to see what that's all about.

Thanks again to
Karine
for hooking us up with a new commenting service for the site. Hopefully we'll have that all up and running in the next few days or so. I would also like to encourage all of you not to use Squawkbox to handle your commenting needs, because as we found out they try to strongarm you into paying way too much for shitty service. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on. The new one will be much nicer, and much cheaper. Just the fact that the free one has more features than the paid Squawkbox, and that the paid version of what we're going to be using is about 20 dollars cheaper and you don't even have to give them that much makes me feel a lot better.

Ok, this post has no real point to it so I'm ending it now. I'll try to come up with something else for later on and I'm sure Matt will be back with something at some point. If we're lucky, maybe it'll even be something that doesn't suck. Hey, a man can dream.

Don't Feel Rejected You Reject

Well, right now I'm in the middle of work, a column due today for Salty Ham Sports and the first chapter of a story that I've decided to write so you loyal visitors have been rejected today. Well. I'll put an end to that. And it's not like there's been any shortage of stuff to read here anyway as our good friend, Steve has done a couple of solid posts. Let's all bow down to him.

I will get to the comments. I promise. I'm just a bit busy these days and when I get home from work (when I should be doing this stuff) I don't really feel like jumping back on the computer right away and before I know it, the night is over. But I'll get to it. Be patient, kiddies.

So last night the Leafs ran their winning streak to 6 games thanks in large part to the continued improved of Owen Nolan. The guy's a beast and he hasn't really looked like himself since he got to Toronto but he's turned it on lately. His goal last night was typical Owen Nolan hockey where he used his skill to make a couple of New York defensemen look like school children and then his size to crash the net. It's good to see him back on his game with Roberts and Mogilny out.

So it's only 22 days until the big fat man makes his trip around the world. No, not Steve. Our good friend Santa and I couldn't be happier. I love this time of year but I have a certain schedule that I keep where by Xmas Eve I'm usually just about sick of it and won't no more to do with it. I just get that feeling though that I'm ahead of schedule this year. I started with my own Xmas stuff a little earlier than normal so I fear my tollerance for it may also run out a bit earlier than usual. May be a good idea to stay away from me in between Dec. 18 and 24. I know Xmas is the 25th but no matter how sick of it you are, you can't be grumpy on Xmas day.

This also means that I'm only 28 days away from New Years Even which I am eagerly anticipating this year more than most as I have been promised by Steve a great time which better be the case. The last few New Years haven't been overly spectacular and I'm looking for something big this year. Don't let me down you water retaining sea cow.

Lastly, for now, I'd like to send a shout out to the coolest Lil Punk I know. Happy b-day, girly. Sorry I couldn't be there but I'm sure you'll have a blast anyway.

Well that's it for now. I'll try and get back later with something else... maybe something a bit more interesting and try to throw out today's Rejected Christmas Carol of the day.

So until then, this is your Lord and Master, Matt saying.... I really don't like Steve much

People I Don't Feel Sorry For

The longer you spend in this world and the more you observe about it, the more you realize that there are certain groups of people who don't deserve your sympathy. Certain groups of people who you shouldn't have to be nice to, people who simply exist for you to ridicule and for other's to take advantage of. Not that I condone taking advantage of people, but when whatever God you happen to believe in if any has made it so simple, sometimes it's hard to help. Here are just a couple classes of people who have obviously been beaten relentlessly with a stupid stick.

1. People who fall for telephone, mail and email scams.

Ok, we've all gotten them at one time or another. The letters that show up in your mail telling you that "you may already be a winner" or other such nonsense. The ones that go on to tell you that if you'll simply give them all manner of your personal information and send them a small fee, you'll be entered into a draw and will win big, or better yet, that you've already won and all it'll take is your personal details and a processing fee of some kind.

The email from the esteemed Doctor Bababubbubbubbaahbooboo of the Nigerian Office Of Diplomatic Rectal Surgery claiming that for whatever reason, probably a botched procedure, that his family and fortune are in danger and he needs your help. If you want to help him, all you need to do is reply and indicate your interest, and giving him your bank account number so he's got someplace to stash the cash would help too. In return for your generosity and compassion, you'll get to keep a wackload of the fortune.

Or those telemarketing calls you get from somebody happily informing you that you've won the Deviant Electronics Birthday Dildo Lottery and that if you'll simply provide your credit details or call the 1-900 number to pay the processing fee, (which really isn't as large and overdone as it sounds by the way,) you'll be sent your big money payoff.

Now most of us, at least I like to think it's most of us, see this stuff for what it is and hang up the phone, delete the email, or throw the junk in the trash. But sadly, these scams are able to rake in millions of dollars every year. And why? Because people are idiots. When you fall for something as stupid as this, you stop being a victim and commence being a retard. It's pretty simple logic actually. Somebody shoots you, you're a victim, you can't stop them. You get robbed, you're a victim, you're being intimidated and for the sake of your life it might be best to cough up the goods. You get raped, victim. You're most likely being overpowered and you've probably got either a knife or a gun being held to you in a threatening manner. You send the Nigerian guy your banking info, you're a retard. End of story, end of argument.

Then these people have the balls to go on the news to tell their stories and expect people to feel sorry for them. A lot of people do, but not me. Come on, why should I? Most of you have seen these things. They're so obviously scams that they're laughed at or ignored by just about everybody. In fact there are entire websites that exist for the soul purpose of writing back to the scammers and fucking with them. So how is it then that a person in his or her right mind could fall for these things? It's simple. They don't. Idiots fall for them and idiots are not in their right mind because most times they don't have a right mind to be in. The only people I feel sorry for when this happens though are the older people. Some of them just legitimately don't know better. That's sad and anybody who can do that to an old person with a clear conscience is a fucking scumbag. Kind of makes you rethink the validity of that old saying the older the wiser, but that's not the point.

The only thing I can't figure out is if these people are genetically stupid or if they suffer from what I like to call monetary stupidity. I'm guessing that the answer is somewhere in the middle. You have to have something wrong with you to let your guard down like that, and the thought of all that money being yours is enough to push some people over the edge and convince them to throw all sense out the window. But whatever kind of stupid you are, you're still stupid.

2. College kids who die because of hazing rituals and the people who feel sad about it.

The media loves this stuff. "College students running wild" they call it. Or "kids out of control." Whatever it is, it's all a buzz phrase for "your kid is a fuckup and deserved what he got."

Now I know that sometimes the poor student doesn't have much of a choice in the matter, like one guy that a friend told me about who was pretty much taken out of the dorm and dumped out in the middle of a new city and expected to find his way home with 2 bucks in his pocket. That's different. That's almost what you'd consider harmless teen fun. All he had to do was take the bus home and no, he didn't die. It's a mean prank, but nobody got hurt.

What I'm talking about here are the kids who decide to pledge a fraternity or enter a drinking contest. I was watching
Inside edition
the other night and they had a story about a new trend that is "killing kids." It seems that kids are allowing other kids to funnel gallons of water down their throats as part of some sort of an initiation ritual. This, as you are hopefully aware, is not very smart and certainly not something that a bright and well respected college student would do. Which is why I'm convinced that it's not the bright and well respected students who are dying from that sort of shit. You don't have to pledge to the Fraternity. You can see what they want you to do and say "fuck that, I'm living off campus." Come to think of it, that's probably what the smart ones do. Do people really need acceptance that bad? If so, that's pretty pathetic and if you're one of those people, you probably don't have much of a future especially if you're dumb enough to drown yourself in the name of living in a fucking house. That's all a fraternity is, it's a fucking house. Get over it.

I'm sure some of you out there reading this right now are thinking that I'm the biggest unfeeling asshole on the face of the earth for saying some of this stuff, and if being an unfeeling asshole involves telling people the truth even if it's a harsh one, then you'd be right. It's just that some people don't deserve my sympathy, so I'm not giving it to them. Why be nice about it?

Since the commenting is still broken, you can send any feedback on this to me
here.
I'm not going too far in the next little while so I'm sure if your comments are good they'll find their way up here. Maybe I'll even put up the stupid ones just to further illustrate my point.

The Envelope Please

I just read this over on
CBC News.
It's too funny not to post.

Rumsfeld world's best language-mangler
Last Updated Tue, 02 Dec 2003 13:11:37

LONDON - U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has emerged the "clear" winner for a British award given to the worst mangler of the English language.

The Plain English Campaign has handed Rumsfeld this year's "Foot in Mouth" prize for statements he made about the hunt for Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.
The campaign strives to have public information delivered in straightforward English.

Rumsfeld's mangled message?

"Reports that say something hasn't happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known unknowns; there are things we know we know. We also
know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don't know
we don't know."

"We think we know what he means. But we don't know if we really know," said John Lister, spokesman for the campaign.

The campaign says Rumsfeld beat out actor-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose contribution was: "I think that gay marriage is something that
should be between a man and a woman."

Prime Minister Jean Chrétien didn't even make the short list for his contribution last September when he said: "I know, a proof is a proof. What kind of
a proof is a proof? A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof it's because it's proven."

Previous award winners include actress Alicia Silverstone and British chancellor Gordon Brown. Last year's worst language-mangler was actor Richard Gere,
who said: "I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think, `No, actually I'm a giraffe'."

The campaign gives out eight other prizes for bad English including worst e-mail, bad instructions or confusing regulations.

Letters To Santa

Man, this flu or whatever I've got is pretty horrid. I went to sleep at about 7 o'clock at night without having any food or anything, and this is after a day of eating nothing but noodles and drinking water and stuff like that. So I woke up now, which would be about 20 after 4 feeling pretty damn hungry. So I'm trying to stand up long enough to make some soup, it's just cuppa soup, anything else would be too complicated. So I'm probably up for the day now since I've slept for like 9 hours, even though my whole body is killing me and I'm still tired. But on the bright side, at least I don't have to go anywhere because of it.

But enough about me and my complaining, here's something funny I found in my big stack of email.

If Santa were honest.....

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer
Yer Frend
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to bet back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money
at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song
Love
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping you

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

Just Checkin' In

Hey everyone.

Just checkin' in cuz I ain't posted anything today and Steve is a piece of shit... err... I mean sorry. Steve feels like shit. My bad.

So our comments are down. That's great. Much thanks to Karine for passing on some info for other options for commenting and I'll try to get that figured out in the next day or so when I get some time. Squawkbox can kiss my ass. there was no mention of having to upgrade when I set up... so fuck them.

Ummm. Well it seems I really don't have much to say. That's a lie. I got lots to say but the Leaf game is about to come out of intermission so I'm gonna go watch the 3rd and see my boy Owen Nolan wreck some more bodies. But first...

We'll start something that I'll try to do everyday. We'll call it The Rejected Christmas Carol Of The Day. Some of these will be mine, some I will steel from other places and hopefully you'll send in your suggestions to me or Steve or on our comment board when we get it back up and going.

The first one I'll steel from my friends in that great punk rock band, The Vandals. So today's Rejected Christmas Carol is....

"My First Christmas As A Woman"

Take Care, All