What does it really mean?

Have you ever experience where people would just look you deep in the eye and you felt something different?

I myself have experienced it before. But the answer is rather confusing to know.

Sometimes I might misinterpret wrongly. But I thought to myself and I know I really do feel that it is what I feel.

1. People look you deep in the eye because he/she admires you

2. People look you deep in the eye because he/she wants you but could not

3. People look you deep in the eye wondering if he/she understands what he/she is talking about

4. People look you deep in the eye because he/she is so angry but could not let it out

5. People look you deep in the eye because he/she is hurt and wants sympathy

Which is it? Does anyone have the real answer?

it was then 5 but now it is 4 + 1

have you ever feel so connected as a family before but one day you feel like you dont fit in at all
you start to meet new people
you start to think about your future
and you want to improve your life
but somehow the others always want to be stagnant and not change
well, that is how I see it

all these changes that are happening made me see even clearer that things are just not that simple
why bother kissing up on people's ass when they feel like their ass are meant to be kissed
why bother helping out on people when they dont help themselves out
why bother feeling that they are your bestest friend in the world when they just take you as a friend
why bother trying so hard to impress when you know you will not be appreciated

once I was all that
I wasnt happy when I was not appreciated
I wasnt happy when I was not remembered
I wasnt happy when I was not counted in for
Always looking for ways to be outstanding

I told to myself why must I live my life surrounded by all this uncertainty
Why must I struggle with all these nonsence when I have better things to be worried about
I could live my life happier worrying about the things that are going to happen to me but not somebody else
I do not have to kiss up on someone else's ass
I do not have to help them if I dont want to
I do not have to treat them as a friend if I dont want to
and lastly, I do not have to impress anyone if I dont want to
All I have to do now is to treat myself and my love ones from time to time

Even though I feel really misfit now but I am happy about it
I do not have to worry if I hurt their feelings
I do not have to worry if I am not there for them

After all of this,
Only now you can see the true colors of everyone
Who is your true friend and who is not

I have seen people trying so hard to impress
Holding on to someone and not share
I do not know what are the means to it
but Why bother to impress so hard??

I know most of them can feel like they dont fit in
but they still try or maybe they dont bother either
but mostly, I know what I want

that is why
it was then 5 but now it is 4 + 1

so much

i havent been writting for so long
so many things had happened to me
good ones bad ones
some unexpected some expected
but the thing is i am embracing every single thing that had happened to me

things had been really hard for me this past few months
too many impressing to do
but i know i didnt impress anyone at all
i am just being myself
the plain me

but everything turned out to be better than fine
everything became better than ever
better than i can ever imagine
enemies became friends
friends became closer friends
closer friends became like a family
wat more can i ask for

i am blessed with an angel i always say
i know not everyone is perfect
sometimes, people do have their temper
have their own ways to get their conveniences
have their own stuff to think about
and mostly have their own way of loving someone

there are things that i have to get use to
i will not say that it is easy
but i will not say that it is hard too
i will just have to get the hang of it and adapt to it
because i know this will be my life for years to come

i didnt regret that it happened
but i do regret how it happened
too many hearts have been broken
just coz of ones selfishness
i hope it will heal when the time comes
i do apologize for everything

once again, i say...
i am blessed with an angel...

let me tell u y did it ended

i had a 5 years relationship on my hands but somehow one day i decided to end it

why is it so?
some people might not understand and some may think that i have another guy in my life but
even if i do i have a good reason why

first of all why did i ended my 5 years relationship?

i am tired of hanging on to this relationship
i dont think this is wat i wan in my life anymore

i felt so tied up
so controlled
so dull
i dont see any reason for me to continue anymore

i know i might sound really selfish and all but i think somehow i have got to think about myself for once and think about what i really wan

i do not want to maintain this kind of relationship just for the sake of maintaining it

honestly, i have thought about ending it long ago but i didnt do it because i was thinking about too many people
i kept thinking of how i should not hurt them but in fact i am hurting myself deep down inside

finally i thought that i should be selfish for once and do what i have to do to not hurt myself anymore

when we just started everything was really sweet and nice and everything
we started off slow and steady because i was his 1st one
at first i thought that i can forgive him because he is new and everything
but after at about 2-3 years i feel that that is a burden to me now
i have to always give in to him just because he is new

and last time he would pamper me alot and its not that he dont pamper me anymore
well, he still does but i feel that he is pampering because he have to but not because he want to
and besides, last time he will not throw his temper to me no matter how angry he is
but now he is throwing his temper at me
showing me faces when i make him angry
he even dont talk to me when i just did some small mistake
what the crap !!!
he totally changed

and last time we almost break up because of some stuff
at that time we were fighting alot and he didnt understand me coz i just got into MMU and everything was really new and i join a few clubs and i was pretty busy at that moment
then he was blaming me that i wasnt spending time with him
this is the problem
he doesnt understand me

and there are somethings that he did to me and i would not like to talk about that

sometimes when i am not able to go back to melaka during the weekends he would tell me that he is not happy
i dont understand what is the thing that he is not happy about?
sometimes i have got some club activities, meetings, assignments, mid-term, outing with my friends but he doesnt understand
he would say ok u can go and play
but not long after that he will sms me and say that he is not happy about this and that

it seems that i dont have my own life
all i have to do is to be with him and always be back during the weekends
its not that i dont want to go back but shit !!! i have got my own things to do

and sometimes when i go out for dinner with my friends,
we will normally go to some highends restaurants once in a while to pamper ourselves
but he would say
"wa, why go eat yuntill so expensive the thing"
then i have to explain to him again
hello!!! i have my life and its not that i want him to pay for me

and theres one night my friends and i decided to go to karaoke to enjoy ourselves for the night at 12-3am coz it was after our finals
and u know what he said to me
he say that he is not happy me going to all that places and going back so late in the night
i was thinking that when i told my mum she didnt even scold me but he did
he even say that last time i will not got to this type of places but after i am with my friends i tend to learn how to go to all this places and go back so late
SHIT !!! now he is blaming my friends
then i told him
even u know that i dont like u to go clubbing but i still let u
why is that???
its because i know u wanna have some time with ur friends also and i never did control u on what time u wanna go back or where u wanna go
but he said that its a different thing
i should not compare in this way

and sometimes i will sms with some of my close guy friends
and we flirt alot i admit that
but we dont mean anything
but he will get all jealous and angry with me
he ask me
" if u were me and u saw me sms with other gals what will u do"
he always like to ask me this type of ques
and i would say
"if u wanna chat then its up to u.i will not control u"

and the next thing u know he will take his phone and start smsing any girl in his phonebook
the i ask him who is he smsing with
and he would say
"oh, a girl from kl. u know last time i tell u b4...."
its as though he is trying to make me feel how i made him feel but he never know that never worked on me
because i believe and i still do now that if u are meant to be means u are meant to be
and sometimes i feel that he always want to get a revenge on me

besides that, last time before we go for a movie he would ask me what type of movie i would like to watch and he would accompany me to watch it even though its not his kind of movie
but lately, he doesnt bother
he just choose the movie that he wants to see, set his own time and date and tells me to book the ticket
and worst still, he would promise me to bring me to watch a movie that i want but he tends to delay it and finally the movie is no more on cinemas and he did nothing about it

it seems that we have no more communication between us

i really cant take it anymore
i have had enough

there are some issues that he promised me that he would change
yes i wont deny that he had changed but it seems that the old him is coming back and even worst

he told me to give him another chance when i saw i want to end it
i gave him a chance once before and he took my 5 years
does he think that i am going to give him another 5 years?
i dont think so
he say to give him another 1 month to change
come on !!!
5 years and u didnt change anything do u think i will believe that u can change in 1 month?
its a waste of time

and honestly, sometimes when he touches me i feel really irritated
and sometimes he would do things that i hate
i told him that i hate it but he would do it again

and in his mind there is always "he thought and he thinks"
never what other people thinks or thought
he always think that what he does for me is what i like but not at all
i told him beffore but he never take into his mind

and also, i have a blog(this one), i have a forum, i am interested in a k-pop group, i have a close friend from penang
i told him all of this but he never did pay attention to me
when i tell him to see my blog
he just browse through, didnt really pay attention on what i am going through, when i tell him to see my forum, he would say he dont know who are they and what i am doing, when i talk about my k-pop group he doesnt give a shit. all he know is just to say that he doesnt understand korean and thats it
when i talk about my penang friend, i need to explain to him from the very beginning on how i met her and how we manage the forum together only then he knows who am i talking about

each time when i am talking about my stuff, its as though he doesnt listen, his music will blast so loud till u cant listen to my voice and i have to off the music just to talk to him and just right after i tell him what i have been through he will immediately change the topic. he didnt ask me anything regarding the things that i told him
even if u dont understand, well, cant u show some concern???
u were my bf for gods sake !!!

and when i talk about school stuff or activity and stuff he barely listens to me coz he dont know what i am talking about

the thing i hate most is that sometimes when i say i wanna buy somethings, he would say "aiyo, so expensive i got no money to buy for u"
and i will tell him that "i never say i want u to buy for me also"

sometimes i also think to myself that if i continue to be with him i will just die and rot wothout learning and knowing anything more

and sometimes it seems that i know more things than he does
and even if he doesnt know he dont have the will to learn to try
each time i tell him to do something that he doesnt know, he will just say that he doesnt know how to do and be done with it

how can i continue with someone like that?
i am a person that like to explore and to learn new things but with him i feel so dull
i dont learn anything i dont get anything

besides that, i believe that our thinking has changed
we dont think alike anymore
i have my own thinking how i wanna lead my life but he is not up to it
i told him before that maybe someday will be working as a air hostess and i would be flying alot and also maybe i will be working in KL
and here goes, he will show me his face again
being an air hostess has been my dream from very young
i am not sure if i can make it but i will try to make it
coz that is wat i wan
but he doesnt understand
he only wants to keep me right next to him and i cannot go anywhere
its like i have a chain chained onto me
and i can go only like a few meters away from him and i would come back

No No No!!!!
i dont want all of that
i dont want it at all !!!!
i want my life
i need my life

i cant go through all that anymore
i have had enough of the torture i can say

yes, i may be selfish and all but i have to do it
i dont want to live with all those lies anymore

maintaining this relationship anymore longer will make me suffer
i told him to let me go
but he still messages me now and then

my friends told me that he is writting a blog now about us
but its all too late
he always thinks that what he gave me is all that i want but he never did know that what i want is just a plain and simple relationship
he always thought that i want something flowery or big
but NO!!! i never did want all of that

but forget about it
i have decided to end it with him and i really see no future with him

a friend of mine always tell me that i deserve better
and i do believe that now
i believe i will find someone that suites me better and he would love me and treasure me just like the way that i wanted

I DESERVE BETTER !!!

over yet?

i am going through so much lately
so tired to even open my eyes and start my day
i wished i could just sleep till everything is over

please be over soon
i am trying my very best to be the strongest i can be
just for someone that i love
please support me dear
or else i will just break down and crack

IT IS FINALLY OVER !!!

Everything that are left now are just memories...

No point keeping it when u know it is going to hurt u somehow

U better end it before it hurts someone else even deeper

Therefore, i just let it go as my feelings are totally blunt right now

No poin to maintaining it though...

Just let it be

what is done is done...

IT IS FINALLY OVER !!!

Closer To Me

Constantly girl youre on my mind,

And girl I think about you all of the time

And even though words are hard to say,

Girl I miss you, never thought Id feel this way

If you keep on taking, my heart youll be breaking so why do you do this to me?

You know how Im feeling its you I believe in baby cant you see that I need you?

You know that its true.

Every time I see your face I miss you baby

You know that its you.

I want to let you know youre driving me crazy.

Id do anything to help you to see,

I dont think you understand what youre doing to me.

You know that its true.

Every now and then I want to call you baby.

You know that its you.

I say a prayer that youll come back to me lady.

Oh yeah.

Life aint anything alone cant you see youre an angel in my eyes,

Everyday youre closer to me.

Nobodys there when I call your name,

And nights are cold girl without your flame.

But if I could girl Id make you see.

That Im sorry, and that I need you here with me.

Every day reminisce with the past

Of a love that we thought would last.

How we used to be when it was you and me.

How did it all disappear so fast.

There are days that I cant forget

There are things that I now regret.

I was there for you when you were there for me,

and I was thinkin we were set.

Every night when Im laying in my bed

I hear your voice going round in my head,

think of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have said.

I really will make it up to youI know now what Ive got to do,

It took time but now Ive realised

how much Im missing you.