my little sunshine at week 10

hi my sweet sunshine,

you've been in me for 10 weeks now...a little more to go before we hit our 2nd trimester and hopefully free from all the morning sickness, heartburns and gastric pain. but in many ways, carrying you have been easier than when i was carrying your kor-kor. At least I can still count the number of time that i have actually vomitted from the morning sickness with my 10 fingers. this time we are kind of stronger... yes cough and sore throat there were but at least no fever this time (thank God for that cos that meant no antibiotics needed). But you made mummy have hot flushes everyday...and gosh, the gastric this time is a lot worst than with Tyan. Poor daddy have to wake up so many times in the night to make snacks for mummy so that the gastric pain would go away...you know how daddy is when he doesn't get enough of his "handsome" sleep...haha grouchy...

well, we just found out that mummy has antithrombin III deficiency (AT3)...one of the many blood tests that I requested to do because of what happened to your kor-kor...i cannot bear to lose you too...i needed to make sure that I was in best of condition to bear you...but the blood test results came back and when the nurse from Dr Fong called Daddy, I was in shock. I had tot all the results must have been back long ago and no news meant good news. but turned out this test took so long and the results were not favourable. Dr Fong asked us to meet him the next day to discuss. the fear that something had gone terribly wrong again and that we were going to lose you made me burst into tears...i tot to myself...God, how can you let this happen to me again?

the next day upon arriving at the clinic, it was so dfficult seeing all the pregnant moms and little kids. it was like deja vu of the days when I had to go to Dr Fong's for injections and more screening of Tyan, trying to keep him in me as long as possible. it was a time filled with dread and fear...not knowing what was to come.
i couldn't help the tears that kept flowing down my cheeks...it was scary...what was this antithrobin III and Protein S deficiency thing? though the nurse tried to reassure me that it was treatable...it only made me cry even more....i felt once again that my body had betrayed me...i felt so guilty...guilty that maybe it was not vitamin A that made your kor kor die but me...my body...i could only pray that ntg will happen to you and that it is not too late to rectify the situation.

we still don't know if this is related at all to Tyan's case but at least we found out abt this condition early and hopefully we can prevent another tragedy from happening. I dunno...Daddy seems to think that we might have opened doors for spiritual attack for initiating to take those tests...he feels so unjust that why of all people we are even subjected to this again...after Tyan, all we ask is a smooth pregnancy..why is this so difficult? we never asked to be special in any way...being subjected to daily injections is not his idea of what good Christians should go through when pregnancy and childbirth is a God-given thing.

but I am more optimistic this time cos at leastI am actively doing stg to prevent the loss of my child as compared to the time when none of the doctors could tell me how to make your brother better. I feel a little less helpless if you know what i mean...but we will still need all the prayers we can get and of cos help from God. Father, show us your grace and mercy!

Now i have started on my daily dose of injection...but sunshine...mummy is more than glad to go through this painful ritual if it means that it will keep you safe and healthy. keep growing strong and give us a good report the next time we see you ya?

counting down to seeing you,
mummy

Antithrombin Deficiency and Pregnancy

Women with AT deficiency are at particularly high risk for developing clots during pregnancy and after delivery.  The exact risk of developing blood clots during pregnancy is impossible to determine accurately.  One study showed that only 3 % of pregnancies will be complicated by a blood clot if no concomitant prophylactic blood thinners are given.  However, other studies have shown that blood clots occur in up to 50 % of pregnancies.  Treatment with heparin injections underneath the skin (“subcutaneously”) during pregnancy should strongly be considered to prevent blood clots.  However, no well designed clinical studies exist that allow strong recommendations as to how exactly to treat pregnant women (dose of heparin; treatment with antithrombin concentrate, etc.). 

Women with AT deficiency also have an increased risk for pregnancy loss, either early (miscarriage) or late (stillbirth) in the pregnancy.  This is probably due to blood clots forming in the placenta, leading to blockage of blood flow and oxygen delivery to the fetus.  Approximately 1 of 6 pregnancies in women with antithrombin deficiency (17 %) will end with an early fetal loss, and 1 in 40 pregnancies (2.3 %) will end with a stillbirth if no blood thinners are given.  Therapy with heparin with or without antithrombin throughout the pregnancy likely decreases that risk.

 

Remembering Tyan - Uncle Ziwei & Auntie Jelaine

Birthday letter from Uncle Fei n Auntie Yv

Dearest Tyan,

Happy Birthday! We miss you so much. You have left an impression in our hearts which time could never erase. We thank God for having had the privilege to witness your life- albeit in brievity. You were a fighter, a champion, a blessing no less. You were a prayer answered to your parents and the laughter and joy that filled their hearts in anticipation of you and in celebration of your life can never be forgotten. As good friends of your parents, we rejoiced with them and we looked forward to you sharing your life with Alden, Avern & Arielle- to grow up and grow old together with them.

While we continue to wonder why God has taken you back from us so quickly, we choose to believe in His heart, His goodness and His wisdom. Heaven was short of an angel and we surrendered you to the Lord. We know that you are in a better place now, a place without sorrows, pain and tears. We look forward to be reunited with you one day in eternity. We have a lot to catch up then. Till then, continue to watch over your parents and put in a good word for us to our Heavenly Father.



Love always,

Uncle Fei & Aunty Yv

Your day is coming

dear tyan,

your special day is coming up soon. it would have been one year since I last saw your face, kissed your little feet and placed it against my teary cheeks. I still cannot imagine how this one year has passed...it did but not without much heartaches and missing of you, my dear little one.

I wish i know what I can do to make you happy...to make you proud...I thought of doing a memory box donation to NUH NICU dept...to bless another family that might be going through the loss of a child... The box would have many little items to make the loss a little more easier...although nothing can really help at that moment...but I know it will help in their healing process when they looked back at it retrospectively. I wanted to give them the teddy bear so they will not have to leave the hospital feeling the emptiness in the crook of their arms...a little knitted hat for the little child that left for heaven to join you in play...a little journal for them to write and vent their feelings inside when they feel that no one can understand and to make little hand and food prints of the baby for keepsake...and maybe a book to help them know that grieving is part of healing and how to get through it.

But I don't know...such a simple task but scary to do...it take much courage to reach out to another family in such pain.

Tyan, so many thoughts running through mummy's mind...you probably knew of your little bro/sister growing inside me before I did...I believe you are as excited as mummy is that you are going to have a sibling soon n luv this little one as much as i do. But mummy can't help but feel bad that you can't be with us. It should have been four of us.

Sometime i wonder...Will mummy forget Tyan now that your little sibling is joining us n bringing us into another season? No...i think never...my baby...you are forever my firstborn son n you are n always will be a part of me. I will teach your little brother or sister that they have an elder brother, that you are such a fighter while you were here n you brought us so much love n joy even though you were with us such a short time. They'll be so proud of a big brother like you. I'm sure you will be praying n looking out for them together w Jesus.

Look out for the big bunch of balloons that daddy, mummy, uncle Fei, auntie yv, uncle Jo, auntie ly, uncle wei, auntie jel, uncle vic, auntie sx, uncle kt, auntie wan, uncle bruce n auntie Shaun will be sending up the sky to you on your bdae!!

Auntie June wrote a very nice letter to you on her blog...she misses you too...Liam is growing up well n handsome. Still nice to know how you'll be if you were here w us.
http://www.pinkpunkette.com/relationships/dedication/a-letter-to-tyan/

My sweetheart angel, I miss you everyday n I can't wait to see you again. Come visit mummy in my dreams, won't you?

my possible rainbow

we came back to Singapore on 11th thurs evening. We've been touring in Eastern Europe and Norway for the past 2 weeks. Had wanted to buy a kit while I was in Prague and Oslo just to give myself a peaCe of mind since my period was about due. I just HAD to make sure that all the deli meats and some sushi were not going to impact any possible pregnancy and avoid eating wrong stuff if i really was. But it was either so hard to find a pharmacy or it was crazily expensive. decided to wait till we were back in sg to test.

the last few days in oslo, I felt a slight pain on my left lower abdominal ...i tot to myself that it must be pre-menstrual cramps coming. but still no sign of my menses...so on fri 12 Oct...i decided to take my last test kit to try anyway. at first, it was just a straight horizontal line...but the vertical line started to show faintly and got darker. then it hit me! I was pregnant! I couldn't believe myself actually...not really daring to feel joy and
excitement.

I showed it to dear who was still a little groggy from just getting out of bed and heading for the showers. He was very happy. Immediately, he prayed and thank God for this. It was a great birthday present! especially with Tyan's anniversary so near...this would help make it a little more bearable.

decided to head down to Dr Fong for a check-up. the nurses still remember me...so did Dr Fong when he saw the previous records. He was pretty nice this time round...much more amicable. we talked a little about Tyan. But seems like he did not agree with the post mortem findings that it was the holes in Tyan's brain that caused the IUGR and Polyhramnios. Well, will be giving him the report to have a more detailed look the next time anyway.

So we had an ultrasound done but he could not find any visible amniotic sac yet. He was also concerned that I had pain in my left side and cautioned me that it might be ectopic. But also it could be that it was a very early pregnancy so we could not find the sac yet. he even asked me if I was sure I was pregnant. Lol...i told him that if I wasn't, maybe I should sue Clearblue. He decided to let me go for a blood test anyway just to see what my HCG level was.

BUT...to my "horror", when I came back home and took another look at the test kit. It had gone from positve to a negative?! imagine my shock! An ominous sign i feared...

After a whole week of anxiety and seeking prayers and intercessions from close frens, we finally made it back to Dr Fong's clinic on 20th Oct. And guess what?! We have a miracle! it is not an ectopic pregnancy!
Phew!!! We could see the pregnancy sac in the uterus, right where it should be! although the whole day I was seemingly stoned from tiredness and the whole episode, I was quietly thankful that things were beginning to look up. Now a wait of another 2 weeks before we scan for the baby's heartbeat.

It is still a long way off to the birth of this little one...but cant help feeling excited all over again...the familiar feeling of excitement and anticipation of a new life but a not so innocent me this time round, well aware of all that can posiibly go wrong. You will help say a little prayer, won't you?

a word in season from a dear fren

this word in season came from a close fren who has been a intercessor and prayer warrior...I truly appreciate that someone deems you important enough to pray and intercedes for you...hearing from God on your behalf in this season when he/she knows that it is particularly difficult for me to do so...the words shared with me were always so close to my heart...bringing tears to my eyes when the love of God for me is revealed and experienced as the word is shared.

"The one word I want to give to you is TIME

As I was praying for you yesterday, this is the exact word I sense the Lord is speaking, and I want to release this word to you:

  My daughter, you can have all the time that you want. I am not waiting, but I am enjoying my moment with you. You must know that I am not waiting, because if you think that I am waiting, there will be a pressure pushing you to rush things through. Know this, that I am enjoying every single moment with you. People may say many things about you, but don't you think the most important opinion, is how I look at you? You are not a stagnant tree. A tree may look quiet, calm and stagnant on the outside, but the truth is, on the inside, underground, the root is growing, deeper and deeper, so that the tree can grow higher and higher in times to come. Now is the time, when your inner root are growing and reaching deeper into Me. Fear not that you will fall away, because I see the day, the day when you whisper to me, saying, "I am ready,  Father, let's move on."  This moment will come, fear not, my daughter. I love you, and will always be with you. From your daddy in heaven."

12 Oct 2012

Capture Your Grief Oct 2012

Capture your Grief 2012

This little project is meant for raising awareness of Pregnancy and Infant Loss but even more importantly for the bereaved mummies taking part, it is part of a healing process for us. It provides an avenue for us to talk about our loss and how we feel at this moment in time. Although this is a 31-day thing, but I have not been able to participate everyday. Some topics/ photos still feels too raw to share with the world...but the fact that I am taking part...it is a step forward i guess.

I really like this project cos it is hard to find someone to talk to about my little boy. But I need an avenue to vent. I want to remember every step of the way in this grieving process...I am making memories with my boy. Are you a bereaved mummy too? you can do this for yourself on a private blog or your own private facebook Album or even Pinterest. I hope it will do you good as much it did for me.

Day 1- Sunrise:  Took this on the night flight from Sg to Helsinki. we are flying away from the sunrise.  Feels like the sun may rise over many places but it is not catching up quickly enough to spread its hope n warmth to my life...at least not yet.

Day 2: portrait before loss  This was taken on our second wedding anniversary while in my first trimester. We were all full of hope and innocent at what infant loss might be. Miscarriages yes we have heard...nothing like infant loss within our circle. It just seemed that things like this could never happen to one of us...but it did.

Day 5: Memorial  Here lies my son Tyan...gone too soon...we love you to the moon and back! Xoxo.  Daddy's done you proud in leading P in his SOT graduation. It was anointed worship. Am sure you were enjoying it w Jesus?

Day 12: Symbol - elephants never really strike a chord with me. But Ellie juz caught my eye and my heart when I saw her at the Phuket airport (the first trip we took right after losing Tyan). I just knew that this was stg that Tyan would be happy to have.

Tyan's prayer flag

Thanks to Carly and Project Heal for organizing the Oct 15 Beach Prayer Flag Project. We do not have a active community in Singapore that supports bereaved parents and organizes such memorial events for the bereaved parents to share abt their losses..well at least not to my knowledge... Maybe it is the conservative Asian culture where we do not really talk about these taboo subjects...it's all hush hush..just move on...the disapproving looks and remarks for not being able to produce the heir for the lineage..or even the constant nag to quickly try for the next one in total disregard for the feelings of the mourning parents.

Anyway, people who have not experienced these losses will never be able to fully understand how bereaved parents feel. At best, you might have an inkling if you had lost a dear one before but it is not the same. so dun even try to compare.

Well, as you can see my feeble attempt at making Tyan's prayer flag. Been really out of touch with craft works. No inspiration...Argh! this seems more like a scrapbooking card than a prayer flag...I had to really stir myself up to make this...i really want to do something for Tyan...but somehow i just can't get my enthusiasm up. after all, what's there to be happy about when you are making this flag... when you should be celebrating and organizing his upcoming 1 year old birthday party...that is if he was still around...but i want to do something...it's the least I can do for him...

Crossing my fingers that the mail reach there on time for the ceremony...it would be an awesome sight to see all the prayer flags lined up on the beach. Wish i could be there...

This life is a blip in eternity

Sometimes this thought comes to me when I try to make sense of why this has happened to me and some of my frens. I think God loves us so much that He has brought our children home early in their lives because He can preserve our legacy for all eternity.

We have no way of choosing salvation for our children. They will make that choice as they grow older. But truth is, much as we want, some will make it, some may not. But the little ones lost to us at tender ages are guaranteed to be there in heaven where one day we will meet again.

For now, my mission is to make sure I will qualify for heaven when I close my eyes for the final time here on earth. I will make there to see you...when I open my eyes in heaven, I hope the first one I see other from Jesus, is you...my little Tyan. 

Rainbow Baby

I learnt a new term recently...Rainbow Baby...

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

~Courtney

 

Can't wait to have a rainbow baby...when will it be?

Butterfly fly

Went to the Penang Butterfly farm over the weekend. Pretty scared at first with all the butterflies fluttering around. Memories of an eerie show in my childhood days called Mi Li Ye plagued me with fears of being bitten by the butterflies and turning old in an instant and dying.

Never really understood why Project Heal used butterflies in their sand drawing until I heard the Park Guide saying that God made butterflies so beautiful because they have only a short livespan of 2-3weeks. I never knew that or thought about it that way. But Tyan definitely blazed into my life with brillance for that few hours that he lived.

Still thinking about you everyday, my little tyan.

moving out

Well basically, we bought a new house in preparation for family planning and were very excited when we got pregnant shortly after. This house with 3 bedrooms was supposedly perfect with a much larger area than our previous 2 bedder. What's more, the house was going to be ready just in time for the arrival of our little one.

But sadly, when we finally moved into this house 5mths after we have gotten keys to it, it became an empty place that was never going to be welcome the arrival of my baby Tyan. There was not going to be pattering feet running about this place, no need of the bay window seat meant for the confinement nanny to sit while looking after the baby or a comfortable place to sit while doing the night feeds. No need for the thermal flask bought just to keep water at 60 degrees so that formula milk can be made and ready to drink in an instant...no need for a nursery room...

But we still did up the room that was intended to be a nursery originally. It felt wrong to turn the room into something else. We made it a kid's playroom with a sky blue wallpaper on one wall (this turned out a nice surprise as it really looked like a big  blue sky with many little white clouds signifying Tyan's name which means Sky) and a polka-dotted white based wallpaper on the rest.

We filled it up with many memories of Tyan. The stuffed elephant and aeroplane carousel that you prob have seen in the earlier post. then there was the Big Stitch Wall Clock that we bought when we went to phuket to escape X'mas, the Hello Kitty Cushion bought in Osaka Universal Studios in anticipation of the next child who was going to be Tyan's sister based on a strange feeling that I had one day. Little by little we added a carpet here, an armchair there and soon that room was the cosiest place in the house. Alec spent a good many nights there worshipping, doing his quiet time there. For me, I would go in and sit in the armchair and remember him.

Moving out was not as easy as it seemed. We moved basically because we found that this place was really too far from family, quality of the place was not to standard and it was infested with uncouth people which I shall not elaborate here. Finding a buyer was not that simple too. We did up the house very nicely...but when people came to view the house, there were many times the awkward question of whether we have a kid came up when they saw the playroom. I'm sure you can imagine what the potential buyers might have felt when they knew that my baby had just passed away. Not that that he passed away in the house or anything but some mean people might just use that as an excuse to slash our price. Eventually, we caved and did not mention Tyan after that but merely said that we were planing for one. It was just difficult sharing with strangers about this special person in our lives.

Finally the day came when we were to move...the most difficult part was leaving that room. The room full of our love for our dear son, memories of how we did up the room abit by abit. It meant the cutting of one of my link with my son...and that's like cutting a piece out of us...

Moving back to my father-in-law's place is yet another adjustment for us. After all, it was full of memories of my pregnancy days...the confinement days...nights when we cried ourselves to sleep missing him...

When You lose a Baby -by Franchesca (Small Bird Studios)

You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like.

You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.

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I can't write half as well. But this article really speaks alot of what I feel but can't express.
Thanks Franchesca for writing this.

sorrow or joy...

wrote this in the early weeks when tyan was just gone...i think it best reflects what I have been thinking abt these past couple of days...the dilemma...

In anticipation of the joy of motherhood
I went through the arduous journey of 9mths
But it turned out to be a time of sorrow and tears
the loss of my son

Days turned into weeks
And weeks into months
Not knowing if this grief will ever end
Will I dare to go through another 9 months
Do I dare to hope again
Not knowing what lies ahead
Taking one step at a tome
Trying to trust again
The promises He has
what will it be this time
Sorrow or joy?

Sick and miserable

these past couple of days, i have been down with a high fever. It is the first time I have been sick since Tyan. recently, I was just telling Alec and some frens that I have been the healthiest I have been in a long while. I used to fall sick every other month and there were years when i would chalk up visits to the clinic as often as 24times in a year. The last time I was this sick was in the 1st trimester when I was pregnant with Tyan. I totally hated myself for being so weak then...the fever wouldn't go away for a whole week, raging up to 39+ degrees, I was coughing my lungs out for a gd 3 months. Even had to see a specialist for the cough, took antibiotics even though I was not yet over the 1st trimester and not to mention so many other medicines....

being sick of course i felt miserable...but it had to happen on the first day that Alec was away for missions and not to mention, the first time Alec was away from my side for so long after Tyan's passing. I thought I could handle it just fine...just a fever...but i was caught unaware myself when i started crying and before I knew it, it was a meltdown. I was just huggin my pillows and bolster, wrapping myself in my blankets and crying non-stop...oh it felt so bad but it felt much better after that...i know somewhere my body remembers this and registered the emotions and memories that came along with it. I remembered feeling helpless then cos I was too sick, burning at 39+ degrees and couldn't really eat. I was so worried about Tyan...not really daring to take the medicines but had to cos I needed to bring the fever down quickly so that it will not affect the growing baby. The cough was so bad that I was worried that it might put unecessary pressure on the baby.

of cos, I never really knew what caused my baby to die. I probably never will. But I had been trying so hard to keep myself in the best of health since Tyan's death so we could have a better chance at our next one. I did a full confinement even though there was no baby to look after. I went on a diet to lose my pregnancy weight in 2 months so I will not have the numbness in my legs that kept me up in the night for my next pregnancy..poor blood circulation the TCM says...cos I was too heavy then. And I have been eating the healthiest I have ever eaten in my life...at least 2-3 times more vegetables than what I do usually...cutting away my favourite carbs (rice, kway teow, chee cheong fun, kway chap, chwee Kueh) from my diet.

I have been with the TCM for accupuncture for 4plus months too...trying to balance my body and make it stronger and ready for the next pregnancy. Just as the TCM gives the all-clear to try as well, Bam! I am down with this flu bug. There goes my clean slate. I have intended that I would give everything out of the norm a miss 3mths before I try again That means no medicines, no supplements, no nothing out of the ordinary... I have even stopped my hair treatments just in case.

I am almost tearing my hair out for this! I can't believe it....so close to being able to try and now this. Of cos  i was also very caught in between because I was worried if we tried and got pregnant when we were due for our vacation, I was worried what the air travel might do to affect the pregnancy. I know I know that many people travel when they are pregnant and they delivered fine....but you know something? I was supposed to be part of the majority 60% of people who have polyhyramnios and have a healthy baby but nope...I happened to be the 1% who have polyhyramnios and a dead baby and no causes can be found. So dun tell me that the odds are in my favour. I know the next pregnancy I have to try very hard not to be neurotic abt it. I'm trying but my body bu zheng qi wo ye mei ban fa. So the last piece of advice from the TCM, what is yours is yours...just go along naturally. I know this makes sense but pls understand...very hard for me to take it...

Tell me pls, shld I TTC before, during, or after my trip???

The thing about Destiny

Not many have seen destiny or even known destiny but many have been impacted by her...a mere 3 days on earth, more has known about Trisomy 18. In a mere 3 days, she has a facebook account with tons of well-wishes, a video and photo montage of her birth. Someone who dedicated a song to her during the memorial service. Some wrote poems abt her. Her parents' testimonies too have encouraged many. Was that her purpose? Was that her destiny? To bring awareness of Trisomy 18?

I can't help think where is Tyan's purpose in all that has happened? Looking at different bereaved mummies, they have gone on to make an impact on society through their stories and projects. Take for example Carly, she has started Christian's Beach. It was inspired from a dream of her little boy playing on the beach with other children that has passed away and she found his name written on the sand. Today, Christian's beach has had thousands of names written on its shore and the sunset pictures taken have blessed many bereaved parents, allowing them to recognise the life that came and went so quickly and giving the families a chance to have memories of their child.

Locally, we have Felicia Tan who wrote the book " To Baby with Love" to share with others who are going through diffculties conceiving or have gone through the loss of a child thru miscarriage or infant loss. She decided to write when her husband said that they would remember their baby Dominic in their memories.
I'm not trying to compare but like many bereaved parents out there, I do not want Tyan to only remain as our memories. Fact is, I am still making new memories with Tyan in my own little ways.

I told myself that I will buy a souvenier for Tyan for every country that I visit. I bought the elephant in the Jim Thompson shop at Phuket airport. I was lookin at this elephant when the idea first struck me. Immediately I knew that was the one to buy cos it just tugged at my heart. We were shopping in the streets of Kyoto when we passed by a furniture shop and I saw this aeroplane carousel. I just had to buy it. Alec was initially wondering why I was so insistent on buying such a bulky item home till I shared with him this.

Everytime we visit Tyan's grave, we would bring little items to decorate the area. That place feels very peaceful. But it is so sad to see that there are other little children who are also buried there. Some are gone at the age of 2, some at the age of mere months. Tyan is still the youngest there. Looking at their tombstones, I can't help but wonder the stories behind them and feel the heartaches of the family members who had to go through such horrors.

Feels strange that when other parents are planning creative ways to celebrate birthdays and dressing up their kids, we think abt creative ways to decorate our son's tombstone. Happy with our latest decor! Very colourful with Angry Bird balloons from JB and nice cars and animals stickers. Finally doesn't look so empty.

So...these are some of the memories that I am making with my son. Sometimes, I imagine that he has a facebook account and he would say things like "Mommy and Daddy came to visit me and brought me lotsa presents! So happy! Whee!" or " Mommy missed me again today. She shed a tear when she saw Ellie my elephant while folding clothes in the nursery room."

I wished I knew what was his purpose here. I cannot be like Destiny's parents and share about how God has been good in all this. Not yet at least...I wished that I could be stronger for Tyan. I have told myself, Tyan's death cannot be for naught. What was his Destiny? and what is mine?

picture from Carly Marie Dudley's website

ps: To the person who came and left the big windmill at Tyan's, thanks for your love.

Snippets of May

I had been dreading the month of may...had anticipated it to be more of a emotional roller-coaster than usual. As it is, i am crying/ stoning every worship session. But May was a month of many significant days...It was more difficult than before to attend service...I comtemplated not coming for service for the whole month...but i wanted to be brave...for Tyan... I had initially thought that this month, the blog will be full of entries but somehow I had just been too busy and too drained to write.

As I comtemplated how to go about writing this entry the past couple of days, the word Manasseh has been floating around in my head. The meaning of Manasseh: who makes to forget or “God hath made me forget”. Pastor had preached on this msg many years ago. In the past, I used to pray that God will give me my Manasseh. That was when I was trying to forgive those who have hurt me and trying to forget the hurts from my past. It was one thing to forgive but I needed God’s strength to help me forget and He did.

Somehow, I have been feeling that God has been doing His work and giving me my Manasseh…helping me to forget the pain and hurt…no…not totally forgetting that the events happened but somewhat taking away the negative feelings that come along when you remember those bad memories. I had wanted to write after each service but never got ard to it and now I cannot really remember how I felt then…of cos that could also be just me being numb.

3 May - our 3rd anniversary...just remembering that last year we spent it at MBS, celebrating with our little unborn Tyan. I was only a mere 3mths along then, trying to keep the news under wraps for fear of saddening A who was still missing her baby lost in miscarriage as we celebrated A's bdae the next day. The irony is today she has her little girl to celebrate her bdae with while I mourn the loss of my son.

12 May - marks the day when Tyan would be 6mths old. I am still tracking on Babycenter what Tyan's development would be if he was still around...still no dreams of Tyan...found a website for bereaved moms. Turns out last sun was International Bereaved Mothers' Day...did you know that mothers' day was actually first started for Bereaved Mothers? check out the story below at

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

13 May - Mothers' Day so coincentally this day we celebrate mothers' day...6th month after Tyan passed away. Ironic....and guess what?! Alec had to be part of the Mama's boys, singing for the weekend. It was gd exposure for him but i totally hated not having him beside me again on such a difficult occasion. I had set  my mind that I was going to stand up when they asked the mummies to stand up...I asked J to stand up with me...after all she has one in heaven and is now expecting her next...she is defnitely qualified to do so...but she refused...and I just couldn't do it w/o her. It was almost like I felt that someone would exposed me and said that I was not qualified to be called one. I was so angry at myself for not having the guts to do it. I am a MOTHER whether my child is on earth or in heaven. Earlier in the morning, E came up to me joyfully and wished me Happy Mothers' day and asked how was my son doing...yes she did not know abt Tyan's passing. It was awkward when I told her but when she greeted me, it felt so sweet...(i think some mother takes it for granted when people wishes them).

                                            Photos taken from website of CarlyMarie Project Heal.

15 May - Follow-up with Prof...today we went for our appointment with prof…it was almost 4mths ago when we last saw him, It was supposed to be review for whether we could start trying again. As expected, Prof just said that we can start trying again. But in my heart I was full of questions and uncertainty. After all, no one can give me a guarantee that my next pregnancy was going to be fine. I asked Prof what he thought of the lap reports done on Tyan but to my surprise, he just dismissed it and said that he thought it was nonsense. I think Alec had thought I would feel less guilty hearing this…but no…doesn’t help abit...no one knows for sure what happened. Then after that, Prof just told me to go for another blood test just to make sure that I hadn’t got a certain virus. Going into the room for the drawing of blood all seemed so familiar…but I never expected my own reaction when the needle went in.

at first it was the pain but in an instance I had flashbacks of what happened in the months leading up to my delivery Images of the injections and blood extractions I had to go through…all the pain. During the last trimester, I was taking a jab every 3-4 days for stabilizing the pregnancy, steroid jab for boosting the growth of Tyan’s lungs…and going for blood tests and all. It was a very painful period cos my veins are super tiny and it takes a very skillful person to draw my blood without causing a lot of pain. And each jab for stabilizing the pregnancy was so painful that they kept me up at night cos I could not lie on my butt. The horror that gripped me when I was rushed to the emergency room for my C-section and as they poked the IV tube and catheter in me came flooding…my tears welled up and came falling down as I remember that through it all, I had kept telling myself that it was going to be ok…that all these pain was nothing if Tyan could be safe. The nurse was in shock when she saw my reaction…she had thought that her needle had brought me to tears.

19-20 May - Baby dedication – I thought I was strong enough...after all there was plenty to be happy about. Alot of my friends are dedicating their kids today...and I am truly happy for them...especialy Titus who made it out of NICU. Everything was fine till i saw the bulletin. I recognised the picture immediately. I loved the photo too myself...not surprised that it has been used as the cover page. Think it just caught me by surprise...the picture...and there it was again...the anger and regret that Tyan isn't here with us...he could have been one of them.

Wo Yuan Yi again?! What is it with this song?! If you read my earlier entry, you wld know the impact that this song has on me. Huang Guo Lun shared his tesitmony on how God spoke to him to make only music inspired by Him and Wo Yuan Yi was the first song that was composed. It became so popular that it soon brought him to the peak of his career. He later launched an album in 1997 but within half a year, the recording company terminated his contract and his career took a nosedive. Becos of that he was in depression for 10 years and became a broken man. He felt like he lost everything and eventually left the church. He felt God had abandoned him. But in 2005, God sent him a letter from Sweden. A singer from Sweden called Lene Marlin rewrote a mandarin song and it spread to Taiwan. The melody is the same as Wo Yuan Yi but the lyrics were rewritten. When he saw the lyrics, he could not stop crying.  He felt that God, wanting to prove His love, used this song and got Lene Marlin from Sweden to send this song to him. It was like God was telling him that He is still here and has not forgotten him.

Still Here - Lene Marlin

I just can't help it
No matter what you say
It sounds you're far from okay
I know you're hurting
So please just stop the lie
Just say, say you'll try

Try to stop hiding, and show me how you are
I see through all the faces you put on
I know you're wondering, just how you got to this
All you've lost, all you missed

But it will be fine, and you'll be smiling
And you'll be grateful, for what's still there
And you'll be hoping that you still have it here
The things you thought you lost,
The things you thought were gone

I wish I'd seen it
A long time ago
At least, now I know
I need your promise
No point of asking why
Just say, say you'll try

The moment when Huang Guo Lun talked abt the demo tape, it reminded me of the letter from "The Shack". Mack had received a letter from God to meet with Him and I had wished that I would too meet with God someday like how Mack did. Suddenly, it just seemed like God had used this same song to speak to me...that He has not forgotten about me and that even though I could not see beyond the hurt and pain now and all the broken dreams that has been shattered, He is still here...yea...i dunno if you felt it...but yes I had goosebumps...

A slap in my face

The weekend service that celebrate the 10th year of the Crossover Project was a emotional one for me...many in the service were touched and remembered how the past 10 years had been and the things we have gone though together as a church. It was touching to see that so many lives have been touched and transformed by Sun's crossing over and what it had done to led so many to Christ. Honestly, I am very proud of her and what CHC has done as a body of Christ. People outside may not understand and sometimes look at us with disbelief that we would be so Siao-on...and even persecute us but I am still nonetheless proud to be part of this family that have touched lives for Christ.

But last week was not emotional for me the way most were. Throughout the service, I was weeping...my cg members probably thought I was touched from all the videos etc...but they had no idea...no idea at all...in my heart, I was just full of anger and accusations at God.

I came to CHC on 27 Apr 2002. That was the same weekend that Sun launched her Crossover...in a way I was also one of the many who got touched by God due to her Crossover project. My friend had given me her cd and there was something in her voice that was so pure and full of love. Her voice made me feel pure, loved and hopeful. So basically I got saved. I went from a brokenhearted and confused teenager to someone who finally felt hopeful and loved. I fell in love with Jesus and my friend told me then that even when man failed me, God will never fail me.

But 10 years have passed...now we are celebrating the fruits of the Crossover Project. But to me, it felt like a slap to my face! A voice started taunting me that I was a failure. I had nothing to speak of after all these 10years knowing Christ. I felt like a failure for not excelling in my career..I feel stuck...my boss and colleagues are nice but I was heading nowhere cos I was stagnant in my learning. I felt like a failure as a wife for not being able to bear a son who is healthy and living to my husband and disappointing his granddad and father. I was a failure as a mom cos I could not keep Tyan alive. And what kind of leader am I?? nowadays I cannot even do what I preached to my cg members....My mind was full of criticism for myself. But my accusations towards myself took a new direction, I began to be cynical...I wanted to blame someone for all these. where was God in all these? Didn't my friend tell me that God will never fail me??? So where was He when I needed Him? Where was He when we prayed with all our hearts for Him to heal Tyan?! Why didn't He tell me about all those things that I could have avoided and just somehow intervened so that Tyan could be born healthy? why why why????

Towards the end of the service, they started singing the song Wo Yuan Yi. That was the same song that Alec sang on our wedding day. The words had a totally different meaning to me today. It reminded me all of what I thought about Tyan. my heart ached as we sang the lyrics...yes my baby...longing for you is a mysterious thing, it lurks about in my heart and it gets harder especially at night. sometimes I can hardly breathe. What wouldn't I give to hold you in my arms again...I am wiling to be exiled to the end of the world for you...


思念是一种很玄的东西
如影~随形
无声又无息出没在心底
转眼~吞没我在寂默里
我无力抗拒特别是夜里喔~
想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即朝你狂奔去
大声的告诉你~
愿意为你我愿意为你
我愿意为你忘记我姓名
就算多一秒停留在你怀里
失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你我愿意为你
我愿意为你被放逐天际
只要你真心拿爱与我回应
什么都愿意
什么都愿意为你
At the end of the service, my cg mate placed her hands around me and tried to comfort me. I asked her if she knew why I was crying...she said that she also felt touched by what Pastor Kong and Sun had done for the kingdom of God. Inside, I was smirking...boy, you are clueless...then I told her that I felt so betrayed by God. These past 10 years seemed to be a joke...everyone had thought that my life was all smooth-sailing since I knew Christ...guess God had to put something to break me huh? I started sobbing uncontrollably...all the months of sorrows all started to pour...and my friend told me, "you know Lisa, you are still young and you will have other kids."...I retorted "it will never be that same...I will never be the same...even when I have other children, does that mean I will forget Tyan and not wonder how life would be if he was around too..how would u feel if your daughter is not around anymore, you think you can just move on?"  "I know you think I would not understand but you have to move on..." In my heart, I was screaming....YES U DO NOT UNDERSTAND and you probably never will. Honestly I was amazed that I did not just screamed at her...I was that hurt...but I know that she was just trying to console me...

After that, I went to find Alec...it was so difficult during the service without him...God really like to put me in a spot huh? of all the services that he cld sit with me, this particular one he couldn't. When I saw him, he knew something was wrong. The moment i sat down, I started bawling again, it was almost like my soul was groaning from within...all the feelings of injustice and anger came like a floodgate being opened. I later heard that one of the younger singers got a shock to see me crying so badly...i supposed so...they probably hadn't seen too much of life yet.

you know, losing your child is a very different feeling from losing anyone else. Even for our parents, somehow we know in our hearts that one day we will have to part, it's all part of the life cycle. Though sad, we expect that they will pass before us. But a child...you never expect this to happen...especially when Tyan made it so far...

God, when will my springtime come again? I don't know when can I truly feel happy anymore...I know the word for the church is that winter is over...and springtime is here...will I be left in this winter alone?

Not your sympathy pls

these days i feel like a zombie...but nobobdy knows...just me...struggling to breathe...struggling to stay afloat...to look normal...Going abt my daily routine, making sure ntg seems out of line...some people think that I must be doing ok ..dressing up and laughing away with frends...but when all these are gone at the end of the day, reality sets in...I am still me without my child. People ask me all the time if I am ok...but sometimes, this question really irks me...how do you expect me to be ok?? I will never be entirely ok...a part of me is forever missing...

All day long, I am making lists...it almost seems I am afraid that one day the list would run out of thing s to do and I would find myself lost. The past months has been a frenzy...in the early days, the frens were about..visiting...making sure that we were ok. Then came X'mas and Chinese New Year which we took the escape route to avoid meeting frens or relatives and facing awkward questions by going to Phuket and Japan. When we were back, we launched into our renovation plans and were kept busy with buying furnitures and appliances. That kept me busy all the way till we finally moved in early Apr. Of cos there was the return to work after my maternity leave...that was pretty stressful too. People, work and all...dealing with coming back to church was another hurdle too...

But now the dark clouds threathens..looming in and clouding my thoughts wth negativity...there's a sense in dissatisfaction with myself and all around me. I remember this familiar feeling when I was in Junior College. I was constantly angry...angry at things, angry at people around me but mostly angry with myself but not really realising it. I felt then that I had lost control of my life...things were no longer going smoothly in my life. the life that I thought I rightfully deserved...after all, wasn't I the one that everyone said was going to be successful, sharp and intuitive, a gd leader and all? What happened to all that?? I had so much anger then, it almost destroyed me...made me an outcast in school, misunderstood at home...I was pretending to be happy being all alone when I felt sorry for myself.

I only managed to get out of it when I met Christ years later when I was in my uni days.. I learned to accept and be at peace with myself and managed my expectations of others. But this time, even as the dark clouds takes over... I am afraid it is going to be different. I am angry with Him...angry at Him for taking it away..the meaning of my life...my baby ...Tyan. How am I going to look to Him for help this time when my anger is targeted at Him?

Many people tell me that I am still young and I can always try again..But how many of them actually know that Tyan was not just any baby...but he was the dream that I had since I stepped into church. Even though I was still single then, my heart and desire was to be a mummy...I was ready to be a mom 10 years ago. I had waited for this baby...not just for the 9mths..but a whole 10 years! Do you have any idea how devastating this was for me? Year after year...I saw my friends getting married one by one...promoted to mummies one by one...yes no doubt they were all older than me...but does that make any difference to a person whose  heart was already stirred? And it really doesn't matter if I have another 1 or another dozen cos I will always be missing my firstborn here, thinking how different it would have been if he was still around.

I remember one Chinese New Year gathering, all those that were there all had their first kid and one couple was giving birth to their 2nd anytime. We took a group foto then and my heart wished that my kid would quickly come along too...so that he would have their kids as playmates..after all we were friends that grew up together and I wished our kids wld do the same too but Alec and I were only going to be married later that year. Today, these group of frens are onto their second and third kids, one is even going to start primary one next year. I know it is not abt competing...but you know...growing up with peers that are your age and good influence is so impt...I wished that my friends' kids are my children's best frens too.

When I got pregnant last year, there seemed to be another round of baby wave...and Alec and I were very happy to have caught up with the band-wagon this time. The mummies were happy comparing our tummies, our babies' growth rate, how much vomitting each of us had to go through...it was just comforting to know that someone was going through the same things as you. But now, it is all different. Tyan is no longer around. The new mummies now go on comparing their newborns' milestones, new antics, new clothes and planning their soon to be birthday parties...but in this equation, I will not be part of it anymore. As a guest maybe but not as one of the mummies. U know sometimes when friends are in different phases of life, they will tend to drift apart...cos you are on different topics, wavelengths and priorities...it is just sad to lose friends because of that...so can you understand why it is impt for me to have kids?

Last Christmas, we were at our usual X'mas gathering...I was all well and fine till I started sitting down and observing the little ones...then it just hit me. My baby is never going to be part of this...having these frens to grow up with and they too will never know of his existence. All the feelings of unjustice, loss and regret brought out the tears once again...angry that my boy has not had a chance to live out his life...to go through all of life's experiences..that no one had a chance to know what a good little boy he would have been and what a friend he could have been.

I know I am wallowing in self-pity, feeling sorry for myself but...I dun want your sympathy. I just need your friendship. how do you make the differentiation? I dunno...maybe dun be nice to me just because of what happened...be nice because you want to be friends with me. The care and concerns does make one feel a little better but sometimes I just can't help but feel that there is like a piece of glass hanging in the air between you and me, separating us...

You just gave birth ah?

Last week I went for my haircut...guess what?! after almost 5mths, losing 6kgs of weight and almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight, the lady at the salon asked me a qn.

Her: you just give birth ah?
Me: erm...how come you say that leh? erm...can tell? (indignant in my heart)
Her: oh just a feeling that I got....

I had thought that after losing all that weight, I would look pretty "normal" and no one would be asking me any  more of these  awkward questions. After all, most of the people whom I interact with knows..those that don't, they probably won't be able to guess that I was a mom. But here it is again! Argh!

The first time someone (of no relations to me) asked me this question after I delivered was also at a hair salon. That time, it was only just 1 mth after Tyan's passing.

Her: you just gave birth ah?
me: erm...ya...(not wanting to talk more)
Her: so boy or girl ah?
me: erm...boy..(dreading the next question)
Her: oh so good! so who helping you to take care?
Me: erm..(not sure how to go on answering and debating whether to tell the truth so i can "end" the conversation or just lie and pretend and say my Dad (as in my heavenly Father) is taking care of him but I know it just mean that there will be more unwanted questions to come)...actually my baby passed away already...
Her: Oh! erm...sorry ah...(awkward silence)...

Basically, this type of conversation plagued me almost everywhere I went the last couple of months...when I was doing my confinement, the jamu lady asked me how come the baby was not in the house and why my stretch marks were so many and so deep. When I went for my hair treatment, the consultant asked if I was pregnant and congratulated me. When I went for my slimming treatments, every single time it was a different therapist. Each one asked abt my c-section scar and asked me abt my baby etc. When I went for my detox treatments, they would ask how come I have such bad water retention. When I came back to work, i had various ones came up to me and asked me if I had been on maternity leave and asked the usual qns like how was life as a mom etc...I could only flatly replied them that my baby was not ard anymore.

It was really difficult initially...but as time went by, it did get easier to answer these questions. I wouldn't reveal more than necessary cos talking abt the details still hurts. But I didn't want to lie abt it cos really no point...you will lie a new one to cover up the previous one and eventually you get caught up in a web of lies and you still can change the fact that these lies are not reality. Truth is my baby has died. I am sad but these lies will not help me to move on so I thought let's just be practical abt it. Sigh...

Missing Tyan in the 4th mth

Tyan is supposed to be 4 mths old today. Looking at June's blog for comparison, Tyan wld have been developing in his awareness of his limbs and already able to flip by himself on the side. Not that I would have a chance to see him do that but still good to know i guess.

Things seemed to have been slightly better. Managed to get some answers for myself. I still remember that day when Pst Tan came to Alec's grandma's wake. He asked if had times when i just felt that things were easier somehow or that I felt God somehow in my daily activities...like suddenly when I needed a cab and the cab just appeared. Well, at that point in time, i was still feeling cynical...like a non-believer...thinking all these can just be coincidences anyway...why do i have to thank God for them?

but in the recent events, i guess maybe God has been trying in His ways to let me know that He is still there, even when I am angry, frustrated, depressed and not talking to Him. Looking back, the book was His way of answering my questions and His heart. Lillian's prophecy and allowing us to have a chance to meet with Pastor Abraham and have him pray for us, that was also His grace.

Four mths have passed but yet it seemed only yesterday when it all happened. Sometimes, I still feel that there are movements of Tyan inside me...a kick here and there. I wish i could indulge in my imagination but like alec says, it's probably the muscles twitching.

It may have been four mths and generally when people ask me abt my kid, i can tell them that Tyan's gone. But if they ask more qns, tears will begin to well up again. The wound is still healing but still raw...Every baby I see reminds me that I too have one but in heaven...carrying them strangely is a bittersweet feeling...enjoying the smell of a newborn, the sense of love and security holding them in my arms but also imagining how it shld have been. But I still like to carry...it does make the hurt go away a little...and give my poor heart a little hope.

Tyan, you were the perfect baby from the beginning. I've never stopped missing you. Be such a sweet boy in heaven and soon, my boy, we will meet again. I'm lookng fwd to seeing you in my dreams. XOXO Mummy.

At first a cruel joke, then an encounter

This happened awhile back when we went to our first cg in a long time...it was so ironic, given this was our first cg after Tyan's death and the closer ones knew what happened. One of them who is pregnant chose to share her testimony on how she really did not want this baby initially but God changed her perspective. She shared that she felt it was all too soon for her since she was only in her mid-20s and in her priorities, being a mom was the last thing on her mind.

At first I sat there thinking, what a cruel joke this is...of previous cg meetings that this could have been shared this testimony, she chose to share this when I'm here today?? God, you must be kidding me?! In my heart, I raged to God abt the unfairness of it all again..here was a person who did not appreciate the gift that you have given and I, so desparately wants to keep my baby boy, cannot have him with me.

I tried to stop the tears from welling up and kept telling myself that she has every right to share what she was going through. While I could totally understand how she felt and what she was possibly going through, I wished that she could have been more sensitive. As i told myself that it wld be over very quickly, she launched into a 5mins sharing. I had to look away so that the rest of the younger ones cld not see my tears.

Our TLs were with us for this cg, to give us emotional support since it was our first time back at cg after all this while. I could see the sympathetic ad shocked glances that they were exchanging. They tried to remedy the situation by sharing their experiences abt hoping for a kid but not yet getting one and that sometimes people look at each other and envy but God knows what is best for us. But honestly I just wanted the topic to be done and over with.

We moved on to worship after that and they were singing the song " Saviour of my Soul".

Savior of my soul
I confide in You
Through all my darkest moments
In you I find my peace

My comfort when I’m weak
I trust in You, through storm and raging sea
And I live to worship You
My Jesus You’re the only one for me
Nothing will ever take Your place

My precious Savior
Who can stand between my Lord and me


It is a struggle for me to sing these days...all these lyrics...i used to love singing them but now they all seem to a taunt to me. One part of me tells me thatI am a fake to sing these cos how can i possibly sing this to God and believe in His goodness after all that has happened. Another part of me just wants to worship cos I still love Him...i want to believe that Tyan is safe in His hands and that He still loves me and has a gd plan for me. This constant tug-of-war usually brings out the tears during worship. But I know even when i am not moving my mouth, my heart is usually singing along cos it knows that this is the only way to eventual comfort, peace and rest.

During worship, Lillian started to pray for alec and me. as she prayed for me, she said that the Lord showed her a vision of Jesus carrying Tyan sitting upright, no longer lying down like an infant. They were standing behind the waterfall. At the mention of the waterfall, I was stunned. Everything that she said before that, although i weeped but in my heart, i was also thinking that these are words to comfort me (pardon the cynical me these days) But when she mentioned the waterfall...it was a God-moment as some wld describe.

In the book The Shack, Sophia aka Wisdom showed Mack the father an image of his daughter playing behind the waterfall with his other children and Jesus. She could see him past the waters and waved to him. I remembered wishing that if only I could have an encounter of God like the way he did. So when Lillian shared that, i knew it had to be God's way of speaking to me during this period when I was ignoring Him cos there was really no need for the waterfall to be in the prophecy.

After the session, I felt much better...although abit embarrassed that the cg meeting became a ministering session for Alec and me. The lady came up to me and apologised as she felt that she had been insensitive to us. But I told her that it is ok and that I was not angry with her...and i meant it. Having being through pregnancy, I could understand what she was possibly going through. It was totally unintentional...so no point harping or being angry abt it.

Now the only thing I am wishing for is that I will have a dream of Tyan myself real soon, not hearing from Alec or a Third person. Pray for me!

lost thoughts...

been feeling rather upset the past couple of days...think it has something to do with the visit to the Chinese physician and of cos the book "the Shack".

The visit to the physician was to treat my left leg as it has been numb since the last 2 months of my pregnancy. i think the blood has not been circulating well as my weight has been pressing on the hip. somehow, we revealed that Tyan was gone and I was on a diet and immediately the two lady physicians told me that i must not go on diet cos it will mess up my body system, got to eat all the warm stuff, avoid cold drinks, salads, strawberries and kiwi cos they are considered cold food and is bad for body recovering from pregnancy. and they told me to wait and recuperate and build up my body before i try again...but does anyone understand how hard it is to WAIT???

basically felt demoralised after that cos it seemed like no matter what i did, it seemed wrong...when all i was trying to do was for the objective that i could have a smoother pregnancy the next time. Sigh....had been worried abt the diet program that i'm doing now cos i found that it was very similar to the HCG diet but they told me that it was not but rather the tincture was made from herbs and amino acid. Still anxious but since the owner is a believer, got to give her the benefit of my doubt. But have been worried all these while that this tincture was going to mess up my system. I want to lose the weight but not at the compromise of my health and definitely not my future pregnancies!

This week i finally finished the book - The Shack that Serena gave me. It has really been a blessing to me. while it may not be the exact same situation as me but reading the questions and anguish faced by the main character helped expressed some of the emotions that i did not know how to address. Reading the book brought to surface many of the feelings that I hid inside me...cos sometimes, there are just emotions what you have no idea how to express it or share it unless the other person has been through similar situaltions. If you are a Christian parent that have faced a loss of a child or a dear one and you are wondering how to face God after all these, have a read at this book. I'm sure it will help answer some questions and take your perception of God to a different paradigm.

Nice song from Scarlet Heart

停在这里不敢走下去

让悲伤无法上演

下一页你亲手写上的离别

由不得我拒绝


这条路我们走得太匆忙

拥抱着并不真实的欲望

来不及等不及回头欣赏

木兰香遮不住伤


不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光

不再找约定了的天堂

不再叹你说过的人间世事无常

借不到的三寸日光

那天堂是我爱过你的地方



this song is from the TV drama of Bu Bu Jing Xing. Somehow the chorus of this song sounds so tragic and it resonates abit of what i feel...no longer can i look at the beautiful skies and not feel sad or feel regret that Tyan is not here to see all the beautiful sights with me. and how true that life is full of uncertainties...never in a million years wld i have imagined this happenin to me. And i cannot borrow any of heaven's time to be with Tyan now.

The promised heaven is a place that i hope to be one day but at this moment, i dunno how am i ever going to end up there in my current spiritual state.

start a new blog?

recently alot of my frens have become or are becoming moms and the mummy blogger virus seems to have struck. First was june, then now joyce and i'm sure there are plenty closet mummy bloggers out there too. i'm probably considered on of the closet bloggers? cos i blog every now and then and i follow others' blogs as a ghost follower.

well this blog was originally started when i started to go SOT....but it never seemed to take off. i started to blog again when i was pregnant with Tyan but wasn't very cosistent too. till of cos when Tyan was not doing well, and i had no avenue to vent my frustration or talk abt my worries...this blog was also meant to be for Tyan too.i also wanted to keep memories for him when he grew up...but Tyan, you are reading this from heaven ya? Mummy misses you....

So anyway, one of the reasons it never really took off was due to the fact that my thoughts come so quickly and i would prob end up taking down notes all the time about interesting ideas to blog abt or  my thoughts are so many running through my mind and my hands can hardly catch up typing. and of cos lazyness would be the ultimate reason? just can't seem to get into the habbit of blogging daily. and for one, i can't write as well or be as witty as Kless, Daphane or June. my blog usually is a rambling of my thoughts that i think only i can understand. haha

In any case, shld i start a new blog or not? wanted to journal this period when i am doing the diet progrma from a health club. thought it can be called My Journey to Good Health. actually for me, blog is abit more like a diary and it feels naked to let people read your most inner thoughts. And sometimes written words are just different from spoken words. Truth is, words can hurt more than you know. I'll have to be extremely tactful then. guess this cannot be a public blog or i'll need to write politically right entries.