That fateful day - 12 November 2011

It was supposed to be juz another trip to Doc Fong's clinic to collect some medicine then followed by Adara's Bdae party. But who would have guessed that a split second decision, it turned to be the day my baby boy was born and the beginning of the sorrow in my life?

I had been feeling lesser movements from Tyan the past two days. Yet only last week he had been so active after some 1.5litres of amniotic fluid was removed but as the fluid came back, his movements lessened. Dunno if I am being overly worried for nothing or a mother's instinct but with his impending birth so near I did not dare take any chance. So decided to go for a CTG at doc fong's while collecting medicine. While on the way there, decided to ask Dear maybe we should go NUH instead even though I was worried that they mite make me stay another night for observation in that dreadful delivery room. So in that moment, we changed course.

Once there, We went to the Labour ward. We thought it would juz be a usual CTG reading done and all wld be fine and we could still make it for Adara's party since it was only 11+am. But litte did we realise that something was not quite right. We were asked to stay in and if baby's movement n heartbeat did not improve by 5pm, i would have to undego a Caesarean to deliver him. We almost made the decision not to stay in cos we were not prepared mentally for Tyan to be out...not for another week at least. I was also worried that if I had made the situation seemed worse than it really was by coming in for this check and being overly anxious abt the movements. I didn't want Tyan to be out too early by my mistake. By then, that was 1plus in the afternoon.

I told dear to go back pick up the hospital bag n to go to the condo to meet the electrician. He only managed to rush back abt 3.30pm as it was pouring. Even then, he still thought it was only a likelihood that I was to deliver that day. But I had been told to fast since my last meal at 11am. Either way, the doctors and staff were ready for the operation to come.

But at 4.30pm, a group of them rushed into the delivery suite. It was quite a shock to me as I was dozing off. In minutes, the nurses were shouting crash caesar. Someone told me that baby's heartbeat was dropping and they were going to operate on me immediately. It all seemed so unreal! How could this be happening? I could feel my defensive guard coming up. I was like being in a bubble and watching myself from the outside. I kept reassuring myself that everything was going to be alright and that when I am out from the operation, I woud finally be able to see Tyan and everything was going to be juz fine. They were not going to find anything wrong with him. After all, he had already been given the lung steroid two weeks ago. He was at 35weeks and should be above the 1.8kg that Doc Fong said was a good weight to survive.

Going into the Operating theatre, I was scared but I managed to keep calm cos it just didn't seem real. But when one of the staff inserted the catherer, it was such a traumatic experience. they would usually insert this after the patient has been gassed but the nurse did not wait in my case...prob due to it being an emergency. They put a mask on me and told me to breathe and that it was oxygen but after a few breaths, I was knocked out.

When I came to, I heard the nurse asking me my I/c number...I did not hear Tyan's crying but I wasn't that worried although I was anxious to see him n know that he was ok cos I knew he was prematured so they probably had him in the nicu already. I asked for alec and he told me that it was 7plus...I had been in the op for an hour plus and he hasn't seen baby yet cos they were still treating him. Alec got called away by the neonatologist shortly and I got transferred to my ward.

When i saw him again, he was in tears and I knew something was wrong and I braced myself for the bad news. I couldn't believe my ears when he told me that Tyan was not doing well and he might not make it and if i wanted to see him. He told me that the neonatologist said that there were something wrong with his features like his ears being lowset etc but Alec assured me that Tyan looked beautiful. Somehow I think from then on I was in my protective bubble mode...it juz didn't seem real. I mean even if bad news, I had thought at most they found something wrong with baby and he was going to be different from his peers that's all, not this?! It seemed like scene right out of a tv drama. Well, I dunno, maybe I knew this was coming when his heartbeat n movements were dropping.



Rushing down to the NICU, I was so afraid that I would missed my chance to say goodbye

Poem for Tyan-3

Hugs and kisses I give
Taking a deep breath I breathe
Hoping to remember your smell
How you felt in my arms 
Alas, It is not you
Only the teddy in your place

Poem for Tyan -2

The crook of my arm feels so empty
Cos that's where my baby was supposed to be
Even though our separation is but temporary
And reunion will be in eternity
Still I can't stop missing you already

Poem abt Tyan -1

There lies my precious angel
Looking so beautiful as though sound asleep
As I touch his little face, still soft but cold
How I wish I can warm him up with my touch
To wake him and cuddle him once more

My beloved son, Tyan

Tyan, Daddy and Mummy love you so much. The past 35 weeks have been such a time of amazement. The first time we saw the pregnancy sac that was to be you through the ultrasound, you brought us great joy. With beaming excitement, we looked forward to every visit so that we could see you. The first time we heard your heartbeat, it was music to our ears and our hearts started beating with yours. The first time we felt the movement you made, it was the greatest sense of amazement of the life happenng in me and the life that was to come. The first time we laid eyes on you, you took our breath away. You were beautiful in every way.

Tyan, Daddy and Mummy are so proud of you. You were such a fighter. Though since the 24th week you were beginning to have difficulty, you fought so well these past 11 weeks, my little soldier. We made it together. We got to see each other face to face. Daddy and Mummy got to kiss your little forehead, tiny beautiful fingers and feet. We managed to carry you in our arms, even though it's for such short precious moments but we are grateful.

Daddy and Mummy will miss you. Our hearts may ache longingly at the milestones that could have been celebrated together. But my baby, be assured that our separation will be but temporary. When we meet again, it will be for eternity. We will look forward to that day. Till then, each time we look up into the skies, we will be thinking of you.

Things I missed most during pregnancy! Part 1

Honestly, I'm not those who can often think abt very gd or interesting topics to blog abt. Which is why I salute those mummy bloggers that I know who can faithfully churn out entries daily and all so entertaining n humorous. Anyway, I finally had an idea that I shld blog abt moi's experience during this pregnancy and so that some time dwn the road I cn tell my kids how their poor mummy had to "sacrifice" on many things during the 10mths that I carried them.

Things I missed during my pregnancy:

1) not being able to eat w/o thinking
You probably never realized how much empty calories u r consuming or imagined the possible contaminated food u cld b eating n considered the impact they wld hav on you till.....u become PREGNANT like me. Suddenly, all the delicious food that you once loved suddenly all become possible suspects of negative influence on the growing fetus inside you.

We had our first food scare after we went to the gynae to confirm my pregnancy. happened to have a voucher for two mini Buddha jump over the wall at Summer Pavillion Restaurant at Ritz so dear and I tot we cld go for a mini celebration. Happily we ate, but that night I had the nagging thought to google what we ate and guess what!? I was shocked to read that preggy mummies shldn't eat shark's fin, abalone and many of the ingredients that we ate earlier. I immediately freaked out! They were supposed to cause Neural developments in the fetus. Argh! I was immediately filled w guilt for my ignorance at what I might have done to my poor bb! Thankfully, my very rational husband tried to assure me that juz that tiny bit couldn't have done much harm, then did I feel better.

And that was juz the beginning! Soon I was became super paranoid that before I ate or ordered my food, i wld Google them to see if they are "safe" for consuming....I tell you it makes the already little selection of food I have at my workplace seem even more pathetic. Of cos I must say I am a little over cautious to the point that I wld cut myself fr bubble tea, Coke totally juz so I wun be taking any caffeine while there is actually some allowance for caffeine daily. But can u blame me for being a scaredy cat first time mom? :p always prefer to err on the side of caution.

These days, the only thing I look forward to eating is fruits n lots of it! Cos they have got be safe right?! Mango, apple, star fruit, even dragon fruit n not forgetting my soursop craving! Poor dear ad to drive to Desaru to get me soursop but almost all failed to ripen properly. But my all time Fave is orange for sure...nowadays my face simply lights up at the thought of eating a nice juicy orange.

Of cos, looking back at it nw it all seemed hilarious.how paranoid I was but this has not been an easy pregnancy so I'm glad I din take my chances. Juz 3 more weeks and I can almost be back to eating my usual stuff....already booked my FIL for a sashimi big meal! Yummy!

it's been a while...

since my last update on BB Tyan at week 24, hadn't written for a while. There's always the urge to write but so many thoughts running through my mind...not sure how to pen it all down.  Week 24 was only worried aby BB's growth...so yes he is considered a IUGR (intra-uterine growth retardation) bb but we are still believing that he is just a small baby that's all...after all, look at how skinny my dear husband is...i'm sure tyan takes after him in that aspect. But came week 28, we got excited when my tummy started to swell...I was so hoping that all that swell means that BB was catching up and our prayers were getting answered.

Alas, when I went for the check-up again, it was only to realise that my aminiotic fluid level (AFI) was getting way beyond normal levels. It was recorded as 27cm in AFI and the norm was only 5-18cm. This condition is called polyhydramnios. At first I didn't think it was anything serious but upon googling, i found out that there were several reasons for this condition.

Causes

 

A single case of polyhydramnios may have one or more causes. About 14% of cases are due to maternal diabetes mellitus, which causes fetal hyperglycemia and resulting polyuria (fetal urine is a major source of amniotic fluid)and also rh-isoimmunisation can cause it. About another 20% of cases are associated with fetal anomalies that impair the ability of the fetus to swallow (the fetus normally swallows the amniotic fluid). These anomalies include:

• gastrointestinal abnormalities such as esophageal atresia, duodenal atresia, facial cleft, neck masses, and tracheoesophageal fistula
• fetal renal disorders that results in increased urine production during pregnancy, such as in antenatal Bartter syndrome.[6] Molecular diagnosis is available for these conditions.[7]
• chromosomal abnormalities such as Down's syndrome and Edwards syndrome (which is itself often associated with GI abnormalities)
• neurological abnormalities such as anencephaly, which impair the swallowing reflex
• In a multiple gestation pregnancy, the cause of polyhydramnios usually is twin-twin transfusion syndrome.
• It can also be caused by some systemic medical conditions in the mother, including cardiac or kidney problems. it can also be caused by intrauterine infection(TORCH)

Additionally, chorioangioma of the placenta can also cause this condition.

 

However, it should be reported that in 60-65% of cases it is unknown why polyhydramnios happens.

 

 Really....looking at the above reasons...i didn't know what to think. But I had already gone through the first tri testing and nuchal fold test too. All seems fine...I know they are not conclusive but even till now Doc Fong says that he doesn't see anything wrong with Tyan. Really praying that I fall into the unknown 60% and BB is just fine.

 

My emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride...been trying to encourage myself with the Word of God and trying to be positive.

Tmr we will b going for another growth scan at NUH. Praying for some good news! Hopefully Bb is hitting 1.5kg already...been feeling bad cos my appetite has not been great..hope it hasn't affected him much. This week marks week 32 according to the new EDD OF 15 Dec. 5 weeks more to go...hang in there my dear son! Mummy n Daddy r praying for you everyday that u will be a strong, healthy n complete baby. You r going to be our legacy to serve in God's kingdom ya?

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV)

Lord, show me ur love,ur grace n ur mercy. I believe that you have given us Tyan as our future n hope. Give us ur peace n assurance even as we awaits his arrival.

 

Goodbye my dear cousin Michelle

Over the last weekend, I received news that my cousin Michelle has passed away. I was in the midst of my ante-natal class when my brother texted and said that my cousin had passed away abt 2.45pm. It all seemed so surreal...it couldn't be true! i haven't had a chance to say good bye!

Michelle has been battling with lung cancer for abt 3yrs plus...and it has since spread to many other areas in her body. Her second son Aidan was only a little more than a year old when the cancer was diagnosed. We were all devastated. But the silver lining in this was that because of this cancer that Michelle really started seeking the Lord again. Throughout this few years, I really thank God for His strength and peace that allowed Michelle to go through so many cycles of chemotherapy and radiology and  for giving her the past few years and all the small triumphs that we've had with her treatments then. She has been so brave! Jie, you have fought a good fight!

She had been better for awhile but in the recent months her condition started deteriorating again. She has been in and out of hospital this year quite abit but I cld not go and visit her as I am pregnant and was having bad morning sickness then a bout of flu and a cough that lasted 4mths plus. Her immunity was low and she was vulnerable to any viruses so even when we were with Adara the last time and wanted to bring her along to cheer michelle up, we had to do a u-turn home cos Adara was recovering from cough too. But who know that last visit that I had early this year was the last time i got to see her.

This time even though my family knew that she was taking a turn for the worst, they chose not to let me know cos they were worried abt my pregnancy. But i felt so bad for not being able to be there for her in the last few hours. I heard from Wanting that she felt that Michelle did not leave in peace. Hearing that, I was even more grieved in my spirit. Only the thought that she was still surrounded by her ex-church frens singing and praying for her helped conforted me.

Jie, I know that you were worried for Aidan and Keagan and Ray. I pray that as you are with the Lord now, He will give you the comfort to know that everything is in His good hands. Let's continue to keep all 3 of them in prayers that they might know the Lord and one day you will all be reunited in heaven. I will miss you very much...you have always been a great sister and confidant to me. But I know we will meet again. I will help to take care of your parenets and your family too. Rest in peace bah, Jie

The Lyrics speaks of my heart

HEAL MY HEART AND MAKE IT CLEAN
OPEN UP MY EYES TO THE THINGS UNSEEN
SHOW ME HOW TO LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE LOVED ME
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS
EVERYTHING I AM FOR YOUR KINGDOM'S CAUSE
AS I WALK FROM EARTH INTO ETERNITY


I can't write well at all so very often i rely on well-written like the above to describe how I feel on the inside...there are a few songs with lyrics sometimes just sums up so simply what I want to convey but can't...
guess that's the reason why many of us use song dedications to express our love to people ard us.

Growing slow but steady

Today Tyan shld be the size of a 27 wk baby but when I went to Dr Fong's clinic on Mon, the ultrasound still showed Tyan as only having the AC of a 24wk old. So he is growing still...but slower...today his measurements are abit below the 10 percentile growth line. Dear tries to reassure me that Tyan will be fine and I believe it too. It is a bit worrying, i must say...cos when we last went to NUH for a second opinion fr Prof Biwas, BB was at 26wks and measured only 24wks. However the Prof feels that there wasn't anything wrong w Tyan. He seemed fine structurally and Prof even said that I shldn't be over anxious abt his movements at this point and that only the private sector makes a big fuss out of them.

I have been doing some research and the webpage below gives a little more info on what could be happening to Tyan. Of cos, we are still believing that he is just a small baby and not going through growth retardation. After all, Tyan is supposed to be my miracle baby. I remembered that night when i suspected that I could be pregnant and told Dear it wld be a miracle if i was pregnant. I "heard' a voice telling me "what if he is a miracle baby. So I believe that Tyan is our gift from God and He will protect and watch over him and no weapons formed against him shall prosper.

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/women/pregnancy/fetal/313.html

His name shall be...

Many friends have been asking us what will we name our baby. Well, we have been thinking even before we knew his gender but always ended up in "argument" over it cos the names that Dear chose, I didn't like cos too soft or too sweet...anyway he usually thinks abt girls' name cos he wants a girl. So in the end we figured no point think and "arguing" since we don't even know the gender yet. haha..yea lor...waste of my breath and brain juices only...haha

So now that Dr Fong finally confrmed that our BB was going to be a boy, we could finally start thinking. There's a lot to consider actually...cos you know BB is going to be the first great-grandchild in the family, so not sure if Ah Gong/ Ah Ma will be fussy abt the name. Then Dear's surname is Ngo which is Wu in Chinese. Not a very easy surname to have...cos every thing good when you put a Wu (nothing), it turns the meaning bad. But after much thought, I suggested to Dear the english name Tyan which by right shld be pronnouced as Tian (as in Sky in Chinese) but dear suggested calling hime T-yan...(think Ryan with a T in front instd). Sounds pretty gd also...something unique and not too macho...then the chinese we thought of rhymed with this too which is Qi En.

Qi which meanings beginning and En which is grace so putting it together...we have "it began with grace", which was what I felt symbolised little Tyan to us. He is a miracle Baby cos we never expected to be able to make it for the Bunny year cos my menses was always irregular. But he came just when we least expected and just in time before 2011 ends. Hooray! God is always just on time!