31w+1d

almost there to week 32 and I can get to see my little one on the ultrasound again for his growth scan. It has been awhile since i last posted...plenty of happenings...but too lazy to write all abt them now. to cut it short, i had a GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test) on week 28 and been found slightly over borderline so now I have to a prick test everyday 2hrs after meals to make sure my blood sugar level is below 6.6 mmol after meals.

I tell you, that is no easy feat...considering the amt of carbs I like to take...not to mention the sweet cravings that I've been having...this is bye bye to my Milo Midnight Snack and all my fruits and ice-creama and soft drinks...argh!  it is so easy to go over the limit...now in a meal, my portion of rice is only half of what it used to be...and most of the time, i eat western food so that there are no carbs in my meals...that day i took a milo to try...it shot up to 8.9mmol..guess that tells you how much sugar there is.

My first appt with the dietician and diabetics clinic was a pretty nice one..i must say...NUH has the nicest staff around...most of them that we meet are always so polite and kind. when we went in to see the doctor, I couldn't help but burst into tears when he asked me if i had any questions to ask him. Well, like he predicted most mummies wld go google abt Gestational Diabetes and the effects of it, i did just that and ended worrying myself to pieces.

For me, having my bad experience when pregnant with Tyan, I just couldn't help but fear for the worst every step of the way. Although my GD is not so serious but when i tot of the possible impact...it was enough to make me think of the worst outcome. How I managed to keep sane all these months harbouring all these fears inside me..i really wonder...So basically the two worst outcome of GD was a sudden spike in sugar level causing the baby's heartbeat to stop and possible birth defects. But the doc was really nice abt it and reassure me that if i was a good patient and tried to following the diet, it should all be fine.

With me just into the 3rd trimester, i am really on the edge of trying to keep it together, cos this was where things got complicated the last time....each week seemed such a long wait..time really crawled. But I am trying to put my focus on the positive things like buying baby's stuff, thinking abt the upcoming renovation etc.

counting down...7 more weeks...i have tentatively scheduled a C-section on 4 June. But now I am torn between trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) or just going ahead with the C-sect. you see, we are still hoping to have another 2 more after this. But if i go for a c-sect this time, the next one will be my third and that means a certain amount of risk of uterine rupture already, not to mention a fourth one. of cos that will be in another few years time...but i am worried abt trying for VBAC as there are also risks involved and i dun know why but somewhere along the line, i had my mind made up that the baby was not going to stay in me beyond week 38. For me, the earlier i can see him outside in the real world, the earlier i can heave a sigh of relief. now, i am just going with c-sect on 4 june...but if he decides to come any earlier, i am willing to give VBAC a try.

what say you? VBAC or C-sect?

week 21+6D Happy Chinese New Year

happy chinese new year to all!

sorry but need to rant abit...if you are in happy festive mood, maybe skip this for later.

this year's chinese new year is a very different one from the last one we had. welll for me and alec, that was in 2011. We skipped the whole CNY festivities in 2012 so as to avoid all the awkwardness after Tyan's death. it hurt too much then to meet any relatives and "celebrate" when that was the last thing on our minds.
But it turned out that was the last CNY that Alec's paternal grandma spent with us cos she was hospitalised on the 3rd day of CNY and passed away shortly after we came back from Japan.

This year we had reunion dinner at his granddad's place but it was alot quieter cos his grandad was hospitalised on eve of CNY eve. His 3rd uncle and family din even show up for the reunion dinner this year. Some family feud going on...but we were actually happier cos that meant less bickering and sacarstic words to be hear at the dinner table. of cos, i was hoping the lesser people who knows that I am pregnant, the better it is. I still isn't quite ready for people to know that I am pregnant and I am trying to hide it as long as I can. Feel sorry for my baby...not that mummy is ashamed of you but just don't want unnesscessary questiones or "advices" at this point in time.

but much as i wanted to avoid, i could not avoid the "advices" from Alec's auntie. I know she meant well but she had me bristling at her advices. things like " aiya, you all dun say i superstitious ah, these kind of things you better listen to your elders. better to believe than be sorry."  or " better dun move house or shift your bed before you deliver or you risk upsetting the "chuang mu" aka "mother of the bed""...and she said it again and again....it hurts to hear these things you know? what was she implying? that I did such inappropriate things and that is why Tyan died?

I was up to my neck trying to keep my temper down when she repeated herself again for the nth time, so I replied " auntie, dun worry...i am the mother, I am definitely more worried than you are." In my mind, i continued, and for all the superstitious things that you tell me, you are adding to my already overloaded mind with worries and anxieties. As it i dun already have enough scientific and valid reasons to worry, now you want to add these ungrounded superstitious stuff to my plates? the worry of these things will add to my anxieties and be more detrimental to my baby than me doing all the "restricted" stuff. thanks but no thanks!!
See, that is why I am trying to avoid meeting people during this season. I had enough of well-meaning people telling me to do this, do that, dun do this, dun do that. So this year, I am not even visiting my mom's side for CNY. I told my cousins who knows that I am pregnant not to even mention to their moms that I am. So alec's grandma's passing gave us a perfect excuse to avoid visitation this year.

speaking of which, I am also trying to avoid weddings but seems like we can't...i have like a few to attend in mar and Apr and they were all pretty long time frens so we wld want to be there. well, maybe till the next one that pushes my buttons again. the last one I attended, I had a facebook fren who saw that I was pregnant and sitting down with a few other frens, so she came by and asked whether this was my first or second pregnancy, boy or girl etc...there was an awkward silence but she did not notice it. I would have tot she wld know...but I dun hold it against her. it was another that got me bristling. she told me that I must take care and not think so much...if not this baby will turn out to be a moody and difficult to handle baby, like how she was stressed taking care of her first kid when pregnant with her 2nd child . i know it's all well-intented advices but sometimes they still get to me. cos they make me feel guilty towards this baby...but I am trying to be positive...but i can't help but worry...hey...try losing your baby and see if you can avoid being paranoid when you are pregnant again.

I am more positive than I was when pregnant with Tyan and I think that is a big improvement already. Week 22 almost in sight...we just had the detailed scan and everything seems fine...baby did a great job, moving and dancing ard during the scan...so Prof is quite happy and satisfied. We are looking to stop the injections at week 24...still  not sure if it is a wise decision. pls continue to pray for wisdom and protection over the baby...oh and pls pray that the contractions go away too...thanks!

week 17+6d

almost turning 18 weeks at this point and filling 2.5 bottles with syringes..have started feeling little thuds here and there...yesterday, you gave me a big kick right in the middle of my tummy that caught me by surprise...or rather shock...i wasn't sure if it was you...it had to be you, right? what else could be moving in my stomach? but it was so different from your usual gentle movements...guess my slouching position didn't quite agree with you huh?

had a terrible nightmare the night before...had me tossing and turning the whole night. I dreamt that i was trying to go home to get your report and head to the hospital but somehow there were evil forces trying to stop me along the way. Even when we finally made it to the hospital, I know that the demon was lurking around, waiting for a chance to steal you away from me. But I had help all along the way from frens who interceded. guess it must be a combination of my thoughts running wild and too much of Zombie farm. Still, it has been getting more and more difficult as the weeks goes by. I am constantly plagued by fear that things would go wrong again...but I have been trying...really...trying to stay positive and just enjoy the pregnancy.

but people won't understand...the fears and terrors that run through the mind of a bereaved mummy expecting her first rainbow baby. it can be well-meaning encouragements but comments like "wow, your tummy is really showing" and "dun worry, everything will be just fine" just don't make us feel any better. Especially not for me who has gone thru polyhydramnios...big tummy is not a good sign at all! of cos, at this stage, it is still too early to tell. Words are cheap, it is easy to just say consoling words w/o meaning them. I guess i can't expect people to truly understand what we are going through. But I really appreciate those who have kept us in their prayers thus far.

my initial gut feel was that i'm having a baby girl but seems like our little one is showing us hints of otherwise at the last two visits to the gynae...makes it a little more scary for me...i dunno...i never really liked the feeling of deja vu. But I am keeping positive and taking one step at a time.

my little sunshine at week 10

hi my sweet sunshine,

you've been in me for 10 weeks now...a little more to go before we hit our 2nd trimester and hopefully free from all the morning sickness, heartburns and gastric pain. but in many ways, carrying you have been easier than when i was carrying your kor-kor. At least I can still count the number of time that i have actually vomitted from the morning sickness with my 10 fingers. this time we are kind of stronger... yes cough and sore throat there were but at least no fever this time (thank God for that cos that meant no antibiotics needed). But you made mummy have hot flushes everyday...and gosh, the gastric this time is a lot worst than with Tyan. Poor daddy have to wake up so many times in the night to make snacks for mummy so that the gastric pain would go away...you know how daddy is when he doesn't get enough of his "handsome" sleep...haha grouchy...

well, we just found out that mummy has antithrombin III deficiency (AT3)...one of the many blood tests that I requested to do because of what happened to your kor-kor...i cannot bear to lose you too...i needed to make sure that I was in best of condition to bear you...but the blood test results came back and when the nurse from Dr Fong called Daddy, I was in shock. I had tot all the results must have been back long ago and no news meant good news. but turned out this test took so long and the results were not favourable. Dr Fong asked us to meet him the next day to discuss. the fear that something had gone terribly wrong again and that we were going to lose you made me burst into tears...i tot to myself...God, how can you let this happen to me again?

the next day upon arriving at the clinic, it was so dfficult seeing all the pregnant moms and little kids. it was like deja vu of the days when I had to go to Dr Fong's for injections and more screening of Tyan, trying to keep him in me as long as possible. it was a time filled with dread and fear...not knowing what was to come.
i couldn't help the tears that kept flowing down my cheeks...it was scary...what was this antithrobin III and Protein S deficiency thing? though the nurse tried to reassure me that it was treatable...it only made me cry even more....i felt once again that my body had betrayed me...i felt so guilty...guilty that maybe it was not vitamin A that made your kor kor die but me...my body...i could only pray that ntg will happen to you and that it is not too late to rectify the situation.

we still don't know if this is related at all to Tyan's case but at least we found out abt this condition early and hopefully we can prevent another tragedy from happening. I dunno...Daddy seems to think that we might have opened doors for spiritual attack for initiating to take those tests...he feels so unjust that why of all people we are even subjected to this again...after Tyan, all we ask is a smooth pregnancy..why is this so difficult? we never asked to be special in any way...being subjected to daily injections is not his idea of what good Christians should go through when pregnancy and childbirth is a God-given thing.

but I am more optimistic this time cos at leastI am actively doing stg to prevent the loss of my child as compared to the time when none of the doctors could tell me how to make your brother better. I feel a little less helpless if you know what i mean...but we will still need all the prayers we can get and of cos help from God. Father, show us your grace and mercy!

Now i have started on my daily dose of injection...but sunshine...mummy is more than glad to go through this painful ritual if it means that it will keep you safe and healthy. keep growing strong and give us a good report the next time we see you ya?

counting down to seeing you,
mummy

Antithrombin Deficiency and Pregnancy

Women with AT deficiency are at particularly high risk for developing clots during pregnancy and after delivery.  The exact risk of developing blood clots during pregnancy is impossible to determine accurately.  One study showed that only 3 % of pregnancies will be complicated by a blood clot if no concomitant prophylactic blood thinners are given.  However, other studies have shown that blood clots occur in up to 50 % of pregnancies.  Treatment with heparin injections underneath the skin (“subcutaneously”) during pregnancy should strongly be considered to prevent blood clots.  However, no well designed clinical studies exist that allow strong recommendations as to how exactly to treat pregnant women (dose of heparin; treatment with antithrombin concentrate, etc.). 

Women with AT deficiency also have an increased risk for pregnancy loss, either early (miscarriage) or late (stillbirth) in the pregnancy.  This is probably due to blood clots forming in the placenta, leading to blockage of blood flow and oxygen delivery to the fetus.  Approximately 1 of 6 pregnancies in women with antithrombin deficiency (17 %) will end with an early fetal loss, and 1 in 40 pregnancies (2.3 %) will end with a stillbirth if no blood thinners are given.  Therapy with heparin with or without antithrombin throughout the pregnancy likely decreases that risk.

 

Remembering Tyan - Uncle Ziwei & Auntie Jelaine

Birthday letter from Uncle Fei n Auntie Yv

Dearest Tyan,

Happy Birthday! We miss you so much. You have left an impression in our hearts which time could never erase. We thank God for having had the privilege to witness your life- albeit in brievity. You were a fighter, a champion, a blessing no less. You were a prayer answered to your parents and the laughter and joy that filled their hearts in anticipation of you and in celebration of your life can never be forgotten. As good friends of your parents, we rejoiced with them and we looked forward to you sharing your life with Alden, Avern & Arielle- to grow up and grow old together with them.

While we continue to wonder why God has taken you back from us so quickly, we choose to believe in His heart, His goodness and His wisdom. Heaven was short of an angel and we surrendered you to the Lord. We know that you are in a better place now, a place without sorrows, pain and tears. We look forward to be reunited with you one day in eternity. We have a lot to catch up then. Till then, continue to watch over your parents and put in a good word for us to our Heavenly Father.



Love always,

Uncle Fei & Aunty Yv

Your day is coming

dear tyan,

your special day is coming up soon. it would have been one year since I last saw your face, kissed your little feet and placed it against my teary cheeks. I still cannot imagine how this one year has passed...it did but not without much heartaches and missing of you, my dear little one.

I wish i know what I can do to make you happy...to make you proud...I thought of doing a memory box donation to NUH NICU dept...to bless another family that might be going through the loss of a child... The box would have many little items to make the loss a little more easier...although nothing can really help at that moment...but I know it will help in their healing process when they looked back at it retrospectively. I wanted to give them the teddy bear so they will not have to leave the hospital feeling the emptiness in the crook of their arms...a little knitted hat for the little child that left for heaven to join you in play...a little journal for them to write and vent their feelings inside when they feel that no one can understand and to make little hand and food prints of the baby for keepsake...and maybe a book to help them know that grieving is part of healing and how to get through it.

But I don't know...such a simple task but scary to do...it take much courage to reach out to another family in such pain.

Tyan, so many thoughts running through mummy's mind...you probably knew of your little bro/sister growing inside me before I did...I believe you are as excited as mummy is that you are going to have a sibling soon n luv this little one as much as i do. But mummy can't help but feel bad that you can't be with us. It should have been four of us.

Sometime i wonder...Will mummy forget Tyan now that your little sibling is joining us n bringing us into another season? No...i think never...my baby...you are forever my firstborn son n you are n always will be a part of me. I will teach your little brother or sister that they have an elder brother, that you are such a fighter while you were here n you brought us so much love n joy even though you were with us such a short time. They'll be so proud of a big brother like you. I'm sure you will be praying n looking out for them together w Jesus.

Look out for the big bunch of balloons that daddy, mummy, uncle Fei, auntie yv, uncle Jo, auntie ly, uncle wei, auntie jel, uncle vic, auntie sx, uncle kt, auntie wan, uncle bruce n auntie Shaun will be sending up the sky to you on your bdae!!

Auntie June wrote a very nice letter to you on her blog...she misses you too...Liam is growing up well n handsome. Still nice to know how you'll be if you were here w us.
http://www.pinkpunkette.com/relationships/dedication/a-letter-to-tyan/

My sweetheart angel, I miss you everyday n I can't wait to see you again. Come visit mummy in my dreams, won't you?