Year 4 Syndrome

different set of barang barang

Good bye high heels
Goodbye collared blouses
Goodbye handbag
Goodbye Raffles Place Crowd

Goodbye morning mad-rushes on SMRT east-bound Train
Goodbye Lau Pa Sat Select Economical Rice
Goodbye Lau Pa Sat Teh-siew-dai
Goodbye Far East Square Teh Tarik

Hello tees
Hello denims
Hello flip-flops

Hello City Campus
Hello bus 131
Hello bus 851
Hello backpacks

Hello rugged sling bags

Hi there! School has started already! Ever since I have started working over the past 3 mths, I have seriously LOST the drive in going back to school. I call this "Year 4 syndrome". I think those who really know me, you know that I am very onz about school, esp when school is about to reopen. But I supposed those were the days of the old. Ever since Year 3 Term 2, my drive has been diminishing. And it seems to have suffered an accelerated deep this Year 4 Term 1. *Jac draws multiple question marks*. Furthermore, this term's workload is pretty overwhelming... Talking so much about outsourcing, is there a way I can outsource my school work to different expertise, so I can simply be the laziest person around, practising best-laidback theories. Hahah...

Going to school during the first week felt like going for a trek without bringing my water bottle. Dehydration seems so real. No drive. No motivation. I already felt tat 3 wks after I stopped working, getting ready for school reopen. And true enuff, my fears and dread stood real when I finally stepped onto school grounds. Even the new campus doesn't seem to excite me much =(

I came up with this. I want to make it to the Dean's List this final year! Ambitious? Unattainable? Too big of a dream? *shrugs* I suppose so. But I think I need sth big to propel me. And in order to take awake in class now, I am trying to reconcile the classroom concepts with the experiences at work. I doubt there is 100% reconciliation. I am told many times tat we will hardly use classroom lessons in the real-world outside. In the working world, we are not required to regurgitate the classroom concepts, but we are expected to have mature and relevant thinking process, in order to provide solutions to issues of all sorts. And tat sums up why we go to school, and the functionality role of schools.

So just 1 more year for me. I should stop saying that "I miss working", cuz it is seriously, only, 1 FINAL year LEFT. Before I know it, I might hear myself saying, or rather complaining (like how I do best) "I miss schooling".

Till then, will try to keep this blog updated...
Weekends are here... Wad r u all doing?
Take care folks...
* jac

Dear Lord, thank you for the robust education system that You have placed me in. As I surrender this final year to You, may You guide and lead me according to Your ways. May I be equipped with knowledge, that You may You use me in the days to come. May I display Christ-like attributes and reach out to the fellow school-mates that You will place in my path. As I labour, may I continue to deliver my best. With the experiences I will go thru, may I testify about Your great name! In the Name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

2005

running

This year - 2005 has been rough… come to think of it. As much I love swimming so much, I feel like as if waves and tides were all-time high since January, leaving me to wonder if they will ever die down, or whether I might just drown anytime, and fade away fm this world.

This year alone...
I made many discoveries.
I met with many hurdles to cross.
I reached many crossroads.
Many Many… and perhaps many more to come?
I am tired, come to think of it. I jus yearn so hard for a plateau now. I just want everything to settle down into a smooth and slow moving stream, where the flowers by the parrallel sides just add to its beauty. I just want my surroundings to be quiet, except with the chirping of the birds bringing music to my ears and the leaves that rub against each other as the cool wind sweeps by. I just long for that. I need a break. I really do.

The past 3 mths were the extremes... Perhaps my strongholds aren't doing too gd anymore. Perhaps I don't deserve to win the best-actress award anymore. Perhaps I am not tat gd an artist to do up a perfect mask. I have always trusted God, and it is my heart's desire in wanting to remain in Him and fulfil the will He has for me. But yet again, I don't understand certain circumstances that I go thru. I feel so hard-pressed that I simply told God tat I give up, and I can't take it anymore. I give up on ALL the circumstances. But 1 thing I know is that I won't give up on Him. The song "Turn Your eyes upon Jesus" just felt so close to my heart. Perserverence, Trust and Hope were the words that comforted me.

I agree I don't open up easily. I don't tell deep stories to everybody. The no.of "punching bag buddies" I have prob amt to only the no.of fingers on 1 hand. I have also asked myself why. Perhaps I just enjoy listening to ppl more, investing their lives (I hope) and just being there to care (if possible). Perhaps I just don't like imposing on ppl, rattling on and on abt me-myself-and-i. As a result of not being v open, I somehow receive an array of responses fm ppl when I make a decision, when I draft an action plan, when my thoughts come alive...
Some may exclaim in shock
Some may shriek in disbelief
Some may smile with expectancy
Some may feel bitter with betrayal
Some may stand neutral with can't-care attitude
Some may misunderstand and simply leave
Some may cheer with victory
Whatever the outcome may be, I won't blame anybody. I can't cuz I can't control them. But my greatest plea to my friends is that whatever their outcome is, they might pause a moment to consider my thought-process before they make a conclusion. If that pause is that difficult to make, then I won't bother tugging their sleeves to stick ard either.

It is August for now... I am left with September, October, Novemeber, Decemeber. 4 months. Not a big lot anyway. My prayer remains the same.
Every new morning...
May the Lord go ahead of me, so that I won't be lost.
May the Lord direct my paths that I experience even more of Him.
May the Lord strengthen me as I continue run the race.
May the Lord grant me wisdom and greater understanding of the plans He has for me.

There is STILL a purpose on plant earth, my friends =)

Before I end this entry, here's a song that I have written sometime back. Very simple song. But it has brought much joy and comfort to me times after times. Just wanna share it with everybody who reads this, and also specially to those who are feeling down. May the Lord heal their weariness, and strengthen them for the upcoming days! =)

* jac

[Fall in Love]

I made up my mind to stay

So nobody is to take me away

Even if I feel cold

In this place I'll wait till you bring me back again

I'll sing...

Yes I'll sing

I wanna fall in love

Deeper in love with You

Let nothing come in the way

Never tear us apart I pray

* Repeat Verse, Pre-Chorus, Chorus

Today I'll give thanks to You My Lord

You are my faithful friend

Today I'll say that I'll follow You

Always.... always...

* Repeat Chorus

Why

dry but not dead

why ( P ) Pronunciation Key (hw, w)adv.
For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive: Why is the door shut? Why do birds sing?
Source: www.dictionary.com

Why do I ask “How are you? How have you been?”?
Why do I walk the initiative repeatedly?
Why do I still listen to their blues attentively?
Why do I still crack my mind to lend them a nice word or two?
Why do I mouth “ok”, when my heart beats “no”?
Why do I walk the mile, when my feet is numb and blistered?
Why do I dress up a smile when a frown is so much easier?
Why do I need to accumulate my tears for another time?
Why do I take effort to make a mask that doesn't fit when the sun goes down?
Why can’t I just snap like how others ever did to me before?

Why Why Why?

And I shall leave this entry as it is...

Will you even ask Why?

* jac

It is not yet time to say goodbye

I’m not leaving ‘cause it’s not right

My heart beats a song of promise

There is more than just the darkening sky