Thursday, September 29, 2005
CONTEMPLATING ON A THURSDAY AFTERNOON
As far as I can recall I’ve always done things my way and in my own accord, often results falter though, I do have the ease of mind that I’ve done things to my hearts content and without leaving any regrets behind.
Achievements come and go and I am always left with a hunger to prove myself, to be someone I have envisioned in my moments of clarity from the world around me. Be it so that I complain a lot however, ultimately, in the end I suck it all up and be the proud man that I am.
Pride, that is man’s demise and yet I manage to swallow it more often than I’d want to and take credit for. I absolutely hate to admit I am wrong when it comes to something that I was confident in.
My time is drawing near and I pray that everything pans out in regards to something I’ve been expecting for the past eight months of my stay here. I do not have the luxury of time as I said and I don’t know if I will have the privilege of going back home and settling all my accounts with my past.
I am too good of a person, more than I believe. I’ve ended countless relationships during my stay in the Philippines and yet, I still manage to care and be there to aid them when asked. It’s not that I want to rather, I can’t say no, for the feelings and memories I have cherished with them succeeds all the numbness I have decided upon. I’m not a cold-hearted bastard who I believe I am and in some aspects, it disappoints me. That’s why I try to distance myself from them, people I have decided to be nothing but memories in my past however; there are times when I feel compelled to see them or notion that they are calling, a second chance to revive a friendship or an intimate relationship.
That’s all in the past, over and gone with. Sure, I look back to my past to attain the strength I need but I do not wallow upon it, I try not to wallow upon it. How can you bring back something that has been tainted? Wounds may heal but scars will always remain. One has to mind-set the things he wants to accomplish, whether it is ambition or a determination to move on.
posted by vinz @ 5:05 PM
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ESCAPADES (2)
“Ten minutes, that’s all I’m asking and during that time feel free to freshen up -and that’s not a request sweetie, more like a mandate.” He laughs.
“Hah!” she replies giddily and winks at him as she closes the door to the bathroom.
He opens the drawer at the bottom of his book cabinet and takes out the scented candles he uses for such occasions. He then, closes the windows of his room and turns on the air conditioner. He chooses a specific play list in his computer, at the same time praising his older brother for investing great speakers and a boom box for the desktop.
Four minutes have passed and he goes to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator to take out the plastic filled with red and white rose petals, he was supposed to use that this weekend, anyhow, he’ll just have to buy again tomorrow.
Two minutes left and the ambience of the room is finally to his liking. The lights are turned off, soft RnB music fills the space, and the aroma of strawberries from the candles permeates the scene.
“Can I come out now?” she hollered.
“Yes but close the lights before you open the door.”
She opens the door and sees him in front of her, his back leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and the light of candles illuminating the grin on his face. He slowly takes her hand and she turns and sees the scene before her.
The bed was moved into the middle of the room and circling it were the candles which gave off the sweet scent of strawberries, she takes a step and notices that she’s stepping on rose petals and she notices the litter of petals around the room, her eyes mist and he draws near her, embracing her from the back and takes in her scent from her neck.
She sighs and turns to him as he laid soft kisses on her neck.
Their eyes meet and he sees the lust in it, the wanting and surrender for what was to commence. He feels her body tremble and he smiles at her, assuring everything is going to be fine with a kiss to her lips. She places her hands and gently grabs the back of his hair as his hands finds its way under her shirt and caress her waists with his thumb.
She giggles for it tickled and she sees the wanting in his eyes and draws nearer, locking a kiss as she tries to hastily take off his clothes. He stops her, smiling smugly he whispers in her ear that we’ll take things slowly, they had all night after all, he nibbles in her ear and she locks him in her embrace as they inched towards bed.
He lays her in bed with one of his leg between hers; kissing her all the while, he moves his knee in between hers as his hands found its way to her breast. Massaging it in a circular motion and grabbing hold of it while he applies pressure as he licks her neck.
She caresses his back and hastily takes off his shirt, she’s breathing more deeply now and she’s perspiring. She finds it maddening because it’s taking him too long and yet she feels exhilarated with the experience, her blouse and bra have finally been removed and as he licks, nibbles and kisses her body.
She looks at the scene before her; she wasn’t dreaming -it was real; she’s doing it with someone with flair. Someone who understands her curiosity and her needs –damn that felt good, she thought and laughs as she shrugs off her philosophizing.
She pushed him, placing her on top of him and says with earnest “I want it.”
He didn’t say anything but his eyes told her, she may. She slowly takes his pants off with mad lust in her eyes. As she begins to take off hers he holds her hands with the intention of him wanting to take off hers, he fondled with the garter of her panties as he slowly took them off and he quickly yet, swiftly lay her lying back in bed with his knee in between hers. He feels her warmth on his knee and he hastily splits her legs apart with his other leg as he pulls her in him.
She gave off a moan and a relief that she’s finally getting what she wanted. Only to find out that he teases with her some more, dipping his lightly. She opens her eyes and she sees him looking down on him smirking and just when she was about to protest he pushes towards her hard and deep. No words came from her, just a shrill moaning of pleasure.
Labels: escapade, fiction
posted by vinz @ 4:58 AM
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
ESCAPADES
“Go ahead, ask me that question, we’re both adults here.” He said.
“How do you do it? Being able to do it with someone without any strings attached, and how are you sure they are safe?” She asked curiously.
He inhales from his cigarette and replies to her question a moment later, “It’s not that I meet them in a bar or some place random. And it’s not like I do it because I have intentions with them in the first place, it just happens and in a way, I am satisfying them with the curiosity they seek; to experience something they want to but afraid to do it in regards to safety and what others might think. It’s not about me when we do it; it’s about your needs and not mine.”
She crosses her legs and puffs from her cigarette, “Shit, stop putting these thoughts in my head.” She laughs.
“Why would I want to do that? Entice you with scenes of a night of intimate experience?” he asked.
“Have you experienced it?”
“What?” she asks.
“The heat of candles around you and the heat of someone beneath or above you as a slight breeze from the air-conditioned room pierce through one’s naked skin. As both scents mingle with the scented candles coupled with perfect music to ease and play along with.” He teases.
She takes a shot of the vodka mixed drink, “F*ck, you should stop.” She laughs, “what if I take you up on that offer.”
“What offer is that?” he asks with clueless ness in his tone and yet his eyes foretell otherwise.
She stands and hits him in the arm playfully, “Curse you!”
He offers both his hands up in surrender, “What did I do?” and he laughs.
She sits back in her seat and crosses her arms and looks at him with undisguised pleasure.
“Really dear, it’ll be more convincing if you’d stop smiling when you cross your arms like that.” He laughs.
“You’re mean!” and she pouts her lips.
He smirks, “So, it’s settled then, tomorrow evening I’ll arrange everything.”
“What do you mean tomorrow evening you’ll arrange everything?!”
“I want it now!” she laughs.
He frowns, “I guess I could arrange something with what I have here at home.”
Labels: escapade, fiction
posted by vinz @ 8:44 AM
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Monday, September 26, 2005
INQUISITION
I slept almost the whole day yesterday and it felt really good, having to relax and think nothing about work. I can’t recall the dreams I had though I was happy that I finally had enough time to recuperate from the accumulated stress I undergone this past month.
I’ll probably be receiving my salary by next week, and I don’t know if I’ll buy something for myself or would I save it for my vacation. I’ve been thinking about that lately, if I’ll be coming back to the Philippines this December. I still have people waiting for me but I don’t know if I’d want to face them after all this time. Sure, I miss them but I still haven’t felt that I achieved something of myself and I guess, that’s always been my demise, I never feel satisfied with my achievements regardless, how remarkable they are. Maybe that’s the same with the women I’ve been with, never feeling satisfied even if they are affectionate and maybe, it’s also one of the reasons I tend to push them away. Contentment; I need it in my life though, achieving it is still a mystery to me, I always have this hunger, this relentless restlessness within me and a distaste in living my life in a monotony.
I feel blessed though, that I have a couple of lady friends of mine here that I can confide in, they truly are blessings in my life, I wouldn’t have lasted this long here without them. I’ve been thinking about what one of them said to me and it keeps echoing in my mind, I am a bit confused at the moment but I remind myself that I do not have the luxury of time here. I am on a deadline, little do they know and I have to make things happen next year or I might be left in dead air.
Will I succeed before my siblings? I have no idea.
For now, I must concentrate in the few things that matter in the next several months, I have friends and they keep me sane living here and I am thankful for that, I also have my parents in which I gave in to their request and of course, I have with me my sibling, it’s been years since we lived with each other and hanged out with one another, I am grateful that we had the chance to spend this time here and soon, he’ll be going on ahead with his life, I wish I can succeed before him, in order I can support him with his studies.
Everyone has been waiting to read my novel and I’ve revised it for about a couple dozen times already, I haven’t been satisfied with the character of the story and I’m having problems in regards to the dialogues. Though I have to say some of the dialogues I’ve written are based from actual conversations I’ve had with the women in my life, friends and ladies I’ve been with.
I show a different side of me when I am with a crowd, and usually you’ll find the sincere side of me if you and I are alone. I carry a lot of people’s secrets and I am honored to keep them though I have to say I am not one to fully confide in my secrets and worries. I’ve written in these journals of mine scenes from my life which is chaste. Though, I haven’t mentioned that I’ve had on occasional bouts been to one-night-stands. The reason for which I suppose is that it isn’t something to be proud of and well, not that I tricked any of them, it was all consensual and I never did it with someone who hasn’t any experience. This little detail about me I suppose keeps me ahead of my siblings in regards to experience with women. And well, I did it for my older brother too, I lived the life he wanted to but couldn’t, and well, I did it with flair and consensual understanding. That I suppose, keeps me apart from the other men out there.
I am humbled in having the knowledge that I have in several occasions to have a friend of mine feel like a real woman, going out on a date with her with flair and afterwards -not always mind you, a night of intimate experience. I became a benchmark for her and it was the agreement we had, and because of it she found a decent man in her life.
I recall the first time it happened, a friend of mine said that I should stop relating to her these ideas for this lady I am vying for and a week later she asked for this favor and I gave in to her whims because that same week, I was turned down by the lady I was vying for and also, I was curious as well, wanting to know if I was all talk and no action.
So, it came a date in which I have meticulously planned and I was mending a broken heart at the time and this was as I thought; my way of coping and moving on. As I said, the date was spent with flair and a night of intimate experience, and I started to learn and improve my ways in that regard.
I had a friend in which one of the topics we were talking about one late night at my home in regards to my writing. She was curious what if I wrote intimate details in regards to pleasure and it was new to me, uttering these thoughts out loud and yes, something happened that night and we were both single at the time.
“Do you do this all the time with your friends?” one of them asked, and I told her “No, it’s usually you who start conversing the topic and I see through your curiosity, for I am as I said highly intuitive and sometimes, it’s a curse and a blessing, I can also read your body language, that’s when I know if I should go on or not, reading does have it’s advantages.” I say and smile.
On another occasion: “You’re sweet and you really do know how to say the right words,” a friend of mine once said as we were driving towards her home and I replied with a frown, “Do I? I’m just being honest and say the things that I notice.”
“You know, she’ll be lucky to have you, when you find that lady in your life.”
Why does these past events come into mind, I’ve been having problems committing to the women I’ve been with, not that I cheat on them rather, I have the tendency in not following through with their feelings, why do I tend to do things in which that will turn them off in the end? Am I afraid to commit or is it because this feeling I am having isn’t enough or isn’t up to my expectations? However, when it does happen, or at least when I think it is happening I am always left alone in the dark. Is it because I tend to put them in a pedestal? Or is it because my confidence is shattered when I am sincere with someone?
Maybe it isn’t my time yet.
Maybe I still have a lot to work on.
Maybe I simply need to take my mind off these matters and concentrate in my career more.
Regardless, I am fortunate enough to have these people enter my life and I have to say that I have undergone a tremendous amount of change to the way I was in the past. I still have those traits in me but I have more control over it and I have developed and nurtured certain aspects in which I am proud of. I’ve done a lot of mistakes in the past and I have more than once experimented on matters so that I may explore who I am as a person. I know who I am and what I want in this life, I may not have a definite plan to get there but I am hell bent in getting there.
posted by vinz @ 9:28 AM
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Thursday, September 22, 2005
MOVING ON
I am sick and damn tired of it all, witnessing another person I care for succumbing to unfair and unjust demands. The deprivation of one’s growth, I detest it, I despise it and because of it I have this burning hatred towards those people responsible for it.
My speculations may be wrong but I can’t help but feel that I lost you all over again, maybe it really isn’t meant to be and this is my way of moving on, my way in order for those tears spilling in me to stop. The fates had our paths crossed once again and maybe it’s because of the prayers I’ve done over the past decade. Maybe it’s all part of his plan in order for me to end a chapter in my life that I’ve been holding on to, and have I hold on to it unwaveringly. How many ladies have I gone out with that is near to where you used to live? How many nostalgic nights have I thought of you? All that now has a conclusion, all that now has an answer and I have no regrets. Yet, I can’t help but feel disappointed in you where you give in to such demands.
Not a day has passed since you came that I haven’t thought of you and now, I have to move on for I will admit to this loss, there isn’t anything I can do. I hate the situation I am in, however it can’t be helped. It isn’t just my future which is on the line, I have people relying on me and the family in which I want to bring into this world depends on my next few decisions in life.
I have to bid this past of mine a farewell, as well as the prospective future I was avid for.
I have to admit, I am afraid, afraid of failure but if I don’t believe in myself then all this planning and preparation will be a waste of time, for one cannot succeed if one doesn’t believe in himself.
For the past seven years, I have meticulously broaden my network of friends and promised myself not to commit a mistake someone close to me has done, to this day I still reap the rewards with this foresight.
I am blessed to have a life despite my distance to have steady communication with friends I care and love; friends who have listened and read to my constant meanderings.
I have reached that fork on the road in which my next decision will entail another drastic change in my life, I’m just waiting for the season to change before I embark on this new path, I don’t know what lies ahead but I have a few people who will meet me in this path, to hold my hand and shed light to the challenges that lies ahead. I have my faith, my passion and my will to accompany me and I shall see through it in the end.
posted by vinz @ 6:42 AM
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Monday, September 19, 2005
DEFIANT
So it would seem I have lead myself into another situation where, I am in parley with my past. How is it so that they seem to gather in moments where I am at a loss, and there by tempted to seek synthetic feelings of affection and requite warmth?
“I have a way with words,” she said, and I have this charm about me; a confidence in which that invites conflict among my gender, an intimidating poise in which only the great can be present of my company, a presence of mind that surpasses most people at my age, I am passionate in everything I love; that is a blessing and my curse.
“No one speaks the way you do,” she says, and I dare respond, what is it that I tend to utter? Do my words inspire a tussle of feelings of reverence and cynicism? Does your soul commune with my thoughts? You find mystery in my ideals, don’t you? I am far from the boy you once knew, I have changed and, I intrigue you with this change. You wonder now what all these would sound like as I articulate it in a whisper.
I remind you, I don’t have the answers you seek, I can merely provide you words of encouragement if not, the painful truth of what I have learned in this life hence, an offering of the wisdom and knowledge I have garnered. I did promise myself that I shall stand by you in whatever path you tread and I want you to know that I hold good intentions for you and nothing less, nothing deceitful.
Yes, as cliché as it may sound, I will be here if you need me. Even if I am the last or least person you expect to turn to, I see it as an opportunity to prove to you that I am someone to count on, so as long as I feel a connection with you; let me be your pillar of support when you need someone; a guiding presence in which I may shed light in your moments when you are in tears of doubt and confusion.
I crave for the witty banters that I have grown accustomed to, I seek the innocent flirtations that is mingled in the mists, of sensible conversations during late nights; I am in need of someone who can entice and inflame this burned out soul. Will I give in to the lust that has been gnarling at its cage? Nay, for I know in the end, I shall keep him locked and in time, it will tire and calm itself, for the prospect of reciprocated love is far greater than the mad lust that I have imprisoned.
So, what does this all mean; this admission to meaningless ranting of one’s eccentricity?
“The words you use are unusual though, somehow I understand what you mean to express,” she states and I wonder, deep words; I really can’t tell which ones are deep and which aren’t. Is this my ramification for spending late nights of browsing in an attempt to commune my soul with my heart and mind?
We are at a crossroads in our life and the next fork on the road may entail that we may never see each other. I have already decided in which path I shall undertake and I have to say that, regardless if it is shrouded with mists, I will brave through it. I am at a time in my life in which all of the things I am accustomed to have been deprived, I am in a state in which a part of my life has taken a hold. A bit more time, I shall give it a bit more time, as I have promised a year of devote obedience to their whims.
I finally close my eyes and listen to the silent timbre of the music played in the background. It feels like I am home again and you a twenty minute drive away.
posted by vinz @ 3:34 AM
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
A SIMPLE DREAM FULFILLED
It was a simple dream then, and a lesson learned to value the people around you, death reminds him yearly to treasure the people he loves. That’s why he supposes he spends quality time with them as most as he can. He wants them to have memories of him, memories to treasure and think fondly of. Regret has taken a toll of him in the past and even if it haunts him still, from it lays the strength of his character, a determination in which one doesn’t want to commit mistakes again.
The dream was someone to be counted upon, a friend to rely upon since, he never felt he had one growing up, with the exclusion of family of course. His childhood has been plagued with envy, envy towards the friendship of others. He held it once, close friendship with someone and she left soon after he returned in his whirlwind childhood.
He never felt he belonged, always took things in an unorthodox way and for that, people misunderstood him. He finally learned to value his time alone, thought up things, hypothesized and dreamed. Creativity bloomed from his solace from society and a burning desire to change engulfed him as the years went by, slowly however surely he changed and the people he met during his college years helped him in that regard.
Mistakes were often made, disappointments arise yet, his desire to change for the better kept burning all the more.
He fulfilled that dream, becoming a pillar of support towards friends he values and loves. He has on occasion inspires a few; that change is possible so as long as you work on it. There are matters in which one cannot mend and one has to realize that and move on, start a new and keep in mind not to commit the same mistake again.
His empathy towards other people is a trait he worked on, as well as the presence of mind in which one takes into consideration the other’s perspective. There are values to consider as to why that person has decided to say or take into action on the matters that surrounds him. He had a lot to catch up on, one of many late bloomers. The harshness and reality of life has taught him to change and the sanctity and protection of a family can only do so much. Harshness and failure in life are the greatest lesson his parents taught him and the irony of it all is, they don’t know about it.
True as it maybe that he carries a lot of scars in his soul though; these scars provide him the strength he needs to carry on and move on to pursue his wants in life. The simple things matter, small they maybe but the value of which is priceless compared to material possessions. Feed the soul, mind and heart, in order for one may take a step closer to enlightenment a voice in him states.
posted by vinz @ 2:54 AM
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Monday, September 12, 2005
A MEDLEY OF FEELINGS
There are matters in which I can swallow my pride on, and certain issues in which I have no right to meddle into. As of late, I am at an utter standstill in regards to what I am to do.
Is it really pride getting in my way or is it because I am afraid to find out the truth? Silence will get me no where and if I let time pass; it will fade. Is it pride or is it fear? Maybe both mingled with feelings of hurt, envy and affection. I have no right, I don’t know the correct words to say as to which it would come out in such a way that it wouldn’t sound as an interrogation and, if I leave it hanging, the damage I may have caused might lead to irreparable consequences.
She deserves happiness in her life and I still hold her best intentions above my feelings for her. I have loved her before I knew the word and understood what it meant; I also know that I will always love her regardless of what will happen between our lives. Will our paths cross I wonder? Or would it be this, a simple connection via technology? Will this be my demise? Always being far from the people that I care and love? For now it is, and who knows in the future? I can make things happen and I am hell bent in regards to that however, it can’t be one sided, it will never work, I will be setting myself for such a loss. Once will I only vie for her affection and if it doesn’t happen ergo, I have to move on and pursue my dream.
I have grieved on matters that are quite unclear, empathy is at fault. She is a part of my life again and that is enough for now, that should be enough for now. Is it greed then, the reason for which I want more or is it simply because I’ve practically waited a third of my life for a chance such as this? She has always held a piece of my heart and having her again in my life, the feelings I have kept and nurtured for the past decade has flowed ceaselessly for the past few months. I’ll keep these feelings, I have no regrets only a disappointment I suppose. At least this chapter of my life has a conclusion.I shouldn’t think about her since, she’s too far away; the odds aren’t in my favor. Odds? Is this an insult? Comparing such feelings with logic and odds? Nay, I have never taken into consideration of what the odds are, that’s a lesson in life I have already learned. I shall defy everything with these passionate feelings that flow from me.
posted by vinz @ 9:28 AM
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Saturday, September 10, 2005
EMBITTERED RAGE
I am at an utter loss as to which decision I made. A few days ago my brother wanted the digital camera my parents brought with them as they visited him for a month. The digital camera was bought from my salary and my younger brother.
Ultimately it was my decision if I were to let him “borrow” it. If I let him have it then I wouldn’t have anything to use with my blasted exile in this country. Even if I still have several months before I can take my vacation, it’s still half a bloody year. However, my older brother rarely asks for anything. If I didn’t let him have it then he’d feel bad about it but then, my mind states, “feel bad? So what?! He never calls or sends messages of how me and my younger brother are, the only time we hear from him is if we sent him his allowance for the month, so, what does that bloody tell you?!”
If I didn’t let him have it, I’d feel bad. Yet, I feel bad already having let him borrow it, what the f*ck will I use? How can I indulge on my creativity and improve on the hobby I am interested in without that piece of technology? Should I buy another camera, but that will only postpone my bloody stay here! Since, I’ve already set my budget for everything. I don’t indulge on material things, I prioritize its practicality first, the cost and if I indulge on the best in the market, I ask myself, “What will I have in return?” And the camera, I did indulge upon it because of the prospects I had in store for it and now, my older brother will be using it. And I just hate it that he always gets what he wants without thinking of the people who he received it from. Where the hell is your presence of mind? We’ve already given you the opportunity to live your dream and you still want more. I’ve already sent you the money for a new desktop computer and still you want more from me. Surely, it’s about bloody time for me, I practically gave you what I have the last 8 months here.
One reason why I think I can’t live with you anymore is for this reason. It’s always been about you, especially your conscience. Have you ever thought about the matters I wanted? No, I think you never have or have failed to fathom it all. I followed you more than half of my life, attempting and benchmarking myself to be like you. That’s all in the past, I know who I am and I already came into terms as to who I am as person. We are brothers and yet, there are some aspects we’ll never know towards each other. I’m no longer bitter because you practically spent your whole college life with your girlfriend and didn’t hang out just as what I had hoped. It is all in the past and we can’t change it nor can we mend it. The damage and the scars are there, you think I rarely care or take into consideration to what other people thinks, I say, you don’t know which perspective I am coming from.
The irony of it all is that he’s the eldest and we still support him. I wonder what goes through his mind when he said that he wanted to have the camera. I know it’s just a material thing however, I don’t see it that way. When I was left alone in the Philippines, I never asked for anything, never did I ask for an increase even if the money they send me every month was not cutting it. I make what due I have; I’ve always been like that, rarely asking anything from my parents. And I mean rarely. I wish he’d see the depth of what he asked us for. It’s pathetic since, I should have said these words from my mind right there and then over the phone. I didn’t because I know every word I’d utter will hurt him, and try as I may; doing something for my family is my weakness.
I rarely speak my mind in some regards, and the other day I said something to my younger brother because of his lack of presence of mind in regards to the people who care and love him. It was a moment of clarity for him since, the following day he’s made adjustments towards what I reprimanded him about.
I don’t know if I can last any longer. I wonder what it feels like to be alone and wouldn’t have anyone to worry about. Even when I was living alone in the Philippines, I had my dogs to worry about.
I’ve been working so hard these past couple of weeks and the strain is getting to me, I lash out my hate with every word that I utter. I want to be free from it all, this racking pain and bitterness that I have, I want the anger to fade soon. My patience is at a low and I seek solitude, leave me be with the music I listen to and the books that I have. Maybe I just need someone to hold me and assure everything will be alright and that everything will pan out in the end. I seek silence, silence from all these thoughts and worries that I carry. My back is in pain, this is probably due to the stress I’ve been carrying for several months.
I don’t need someone who will tell me what to do, who feels he’s good and mighty, look at yourself first before laying any assumptions. Your insecurities manifest when we speak and your certainty for the future is quite pathetic. Don’t lay any presumptions on me, and I won’t point out your greatness that I call mediocre.
posted by vinz @ 8:02 AM
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Friday, September 09, 2005
RESOLUTIONS
Just a year of work experience and I can take my vacation. One hundred and Seventy Four days before I plan on taking my much anticipated rest and relaxation. Though, will I be able to rest and relax when that time comes? I don’t know what will happen and if my plans will push through. One thing is for certain. That I am hell bent and taking that leap and I remind myself that every morning as I take that fifteen minute ride towards work that, that day will soon arrive.
Ramadan is coming soon and soon after the cold winter. When the cold of winter arrives, I know my days of leaving draws closer and I will be away from my family once again. A promise has been met and a new resolution to fulfill.
A new resolution to fulfill; I recall my mom telling me about what a new year resolution is, I was four at the time. She said that it’s something people do and fulfill at the beginning of the year. We were living in Naseem, a district here in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia back in the 80’s and I thought about what she said. I said to her that my New Year resolution was that I would stop drinking milk from the bottle. I fulfilled that first resolution.
Back in 2001 I took a leave of absence in attempt to understand who I am and well, clarify what I wanted in my life. I was depressed then and among the reasons for which was an old wound from my first relationship. During those times of being alone and in the midst of thinking and reminiscing; a memory of my first resolution came to me.
The following weeks after that I made challenges for myself; I didn’t talk for a week, had my hair grow lengthily (which is a real challenge since I always take a hair cut every 15 days) and I hated how it felt, letting the hair grow making my ears and the back of my neck itch, but I got through that, I even went as far as to not taking a shower for a week (FYI: I didn’t leave the house during that week).
December of 2001 was a break through for me, when my older brother gave me a piece of advice; we were on our way home after dropping of her girlfriend at their home.
The next couple of months after that I started dating a lot that piece of advice was the catalyst and the key as to how I’ve gotten along with the women I’ve dated in the past, my new year resolution for 2002 was to broaden my network of friends and it was a time where in I stayed out a lot and went “overnights”. I got my confidence and self-esteem back only to be shattered by the end of that year by someone I was sincere with, she cheated on me, and it was probably my karma for having such a lifestyle that year.
2003 I had a new resolution and during that year I had my hair close cropped and I went on another one of escapades the first couple of months of that year. I got involved with someone seriously again during that half of the year only to break up with her that December. I couldn’t see her and I being together in the future, I have no qualms with her traits and all, it’s just that the feeling of being with her for a life time wasn’t there and I am sorry for that.
I went on another of my escapades that lasted the whole year in 2004. Though, I had one lady in mind that I was sincere with, it didn’t work. My New Year resolution for 2004 was to write a journal and keep the dates ergo; here I am now with article 95. 2004 was an eye opener, I wasn’t sure I could write really well. I always envied my older brother for writing. Sure, I could write poetry however, half the time the people I wrote it for couldn’t understand the depth and the intricacy of what I write and it takes a lot of time to write a poem, at least it is for me.
Here we are now at 2005, I promised myself I will live with my parents for a year, it might be the last time I will live with them under one roof since, I intend to live independently at 2006.
I’m pushing through with my rough plans in life, there’s a lot of uncertainty and risks involved and I don’t mind it at all. Time is a luxury I do not have. I will not falter with my plans even if some aspects of it have changed; I can adapt, I can change, and all that is simply a state of mind. I am still driven and my goals are in line; even if I have failed a lot, success is simply overcoming failure.
posted by vinz @ 3:14 AM
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Monday, September 05, 2005
CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL
Despite everything, I feel blessed that I have the presence of mind to view things at the simplest form. The essence and the root of things, that’s what carries me through at the end of the day.
As of late, I feel so tired. Call it bitterness, call it what you will, I’m just so damn tired of it all, tired of all this bull crap cycle that I go through every time. I have been a pillar of support to a few and a show of weakness and frailty they rarely see.
Insults come in all form and I just hate it that I can see through it all. A racking numbness comes forth and my vision is dimmed with careless, tactless thoughts. I remind myself of the principles that I have tenaciously chosen to follow and abide by. I have to take hold of myself and petrify the pain.
Anguish and pain have come again and I don’t give a damn if they fill the void that I have within me. I don’t have any regrets and I am fine with that. A throbbing pain comes from the back of my head and the prickling sensation of patience gone awry has come manifesting itself once again.I remind myself the intentions I have for my future and the people that I left behind who anticipate the results towards my goals.
I take a walk and the heat and sounds of a lazy afternoon bothers me not. I feel the heat of concrete rise, could this be the reason as to why my eyes swell and mist, a tear trickles and I shrug off this sign of weakness. Petrify the pain, my mind screams and seal everything, bottle it all up and act as though nothing is wrong. A hot breeze passes through me and dust hits my eyes, more tears come accompanied by irritation. Pathetic; the cynic in me states, how can someone who lacks patience have so much towards matters he shouldn’t have. Let this be another lesson in the savage garden; what you call life.
My knees tremble, the realization of months of emotional investment gone down the drain. My hands shake, this should be a time in where I look for friends for comfort but, I do not, I cannot, I will not. I don’t need pity, no never that. That will be the last thing I’d want them to feel towards me. I can take care of myself, let me handle matters in my own way, I won’t sink into the deep ends as I did before.
Let me take this wracking pain and mold it into something that can be appreciated, I am nobody without my dignity and integrity. However, let me wallow in this pain, for this is how one should feel for loving someone unconditionally.
posted by vinz @ 9:18 AM
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Sunday, September 04, 2005
LACK OF PATIENCE AND WHAT THERE OF
Patience is one of my weak points and well, there are some aspects regarding that that I have no intentions of changing. One such aspect is well, when I notice people being inconsiderate and selfish towards their needs, that’s what ticked me off on the ride home. My younger brother had a call and this person already knew that he was driving and still kept on blabbering with her thoughts, and to think their conversation halted/disconnected a few times and she called again. I hate inconsiderate people, what if we had an accident because he wasn’t focused on driving, my younger brother should have ended the conversation then and there however, and he apparently took priority on what the person felt. Still, the initiative should come from the person he was talking to. I didn’t say anything because I don’t want to embarrass my brother however, when I will be faced with this person, I’ll be civil and I’ll try with all my will power not to be rude with her.
Am I being paranoid regarding talking on the phone? Let’s put it this way, I was coming home around 3am, I just entered the C5 highway coming from the South Super Highway and on the other side I saw a car swerve, the car flipped and I saw the driver flown away from his car, apparently he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. I knew right then and there he was dead, I didn’t know a body could bend like that, it was like watching a cartoon on a Saturday morning.
People always think that it can never happen to them and that’s wrong, you have to take measures, prevention is the best answer towards unnecessary risks.
If that woman lacked the initiative to think of our safety then, I won’t waste my precious time on being nice with her. I intimidate people and I prefer it that way, lessens on being taken advantage and it’s a filter. I don’t want to interact with people who have low self-esteem; I don’t have time with people who have no sensibility in regards to conversing. I perfectly know who I am, take it or leave it, I don’t need to make them like me, and it will be a total waste of my time. I will be civil and just when I socialize and that is fine however, if I find it that they have one of the traits I have no tolerance at all, I will leave you hanging. And these traits are being inconsiderate or selfish, tactless, low confidence, and a braggart.
It takes one to know one; the only difference between me and them is I don’t act upon it. I can see things at a lot different perspectives and I have a general understanding as to what a person thinks.
I do not give a damn as to what others think of me in regards to negative aspects, it will be a waste of my time and maybe, being bombarded with these thoughts growing up has taught me to become numb from it all or is it because, I accept who I am as a person and that I know I make the effort to change and better myself. However, I do take into consideration in regards to others safety, curfew and well being. I’m not all that heartless as to what others may think, I take great care towards people that I share a connection with and sometimes, I become their pillar of strength in times of need.
I still seek contentment and peace within myself, I know I have issues to resolve and I will find my own way to settle all things. Right now, I have one goal in my mind and I will not look back and doubt the decisions I will soon make. A change in scenery; that I shall have soon enough; seven months to go before I take that next step towards my goals in life. I will start from scratch again however, the difference is that I have experience under my belt and soon, a change in life style shall occur, I have to reinvent myself again and take in priority of my health and body.
It is easy to motivate yourself and it actually works only once. Success comes not from self-motivating what have you and statements of desired outcomes rather from a steady, informed effort at progress.
posted by vinz @ 2:38 PM
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Friday, September 02, 2005
PEP TALK AND WISHFUL THINKINGS
The Vice President of the company I am currently working in gave me a pep talk earlier. He’s six foot something, a great polite man, but he scares the crap out of me. I guess, people who are really nice scare me, because you can’t gauge it when they get mad. I am directly under the General Manager and the Vice President, my work is really my dream job when I was in college.
I am the Supply Chain Manager and Human Resource Manager of a company who is one of top three leading ISP subscribers in the country; I am also the executive secretary for the General Manager. I am currently in the corporate world, and the politics is much denser compared when I was the Vice President in finance when I was a member in Aiesec during college. It is a blessing to get a job that I excel in though; I have to say I won’t stay for long. I plan on moving ahead and if I hesitate I won’t go anywhere. After all the greater the risk, the greater the reward, right?
The VP or boss, gave me a little pep talk earlier and well, he preferred I wouldn’t leave my desk and as much as possible utilize the tea boys and drivers to deliver messages or what have you. He emphasized how important my role is and well, I think I’m a bit too nice with the people. I am managing a role that should be for three to four people. To be honest, I still have a lot pending work and I won’t bring my work home, especially as of late since, when I get home I manage the household; cooking, laundry etc.
I wish I can take up my Masters Degree in Supply Chain Management, that was my forte in college and I’m currently gaining work experience in that field. I envy most of my friends who’re taking up their Masters Degree though, I am a bit ahead of them in terms of financial stability, I hope to fulfill this dream of mine of attaining a Masters Degree in that course which I am interested in.
I had a dream the other night and I was teaching in my alma mater. A young dashing professor who has made it big in the world with just a few years from graduating (laughs), he doesn’t need to work anymore but does to get a discount on his Masters Degree and well, so that he has something to do. He has it all a decent house, not too big not too small, just enough for him and a practical car, nothing expensive however brand new and economical. It’s a dream, a wishful thinking and that is what I think about as of late. My college years was one of the best years in my life, I grew and learned a lot and I became a better person because of the people I met, people I take pride in to call as friends.
One thing I learned in the corporate world is that success takes diligence and perseverance. Not everyone you will encounter will be professional and you have to bend rules in order to attain a settlement with a client or supplier. Patience is key and never show weakness or else they will trample all over you, you have to know what your role is and always be at the top of your game, or else you’ll just end up making a fool of yourself. Treat everyone with utter respect if not, a relationship with both companies will part. There are situations where in you can’t do a thing despite everything though, when opportunity arises, take hold of it and don’t look back, for if you do, you might opportunity. There will always be someone who slack off work, don’t think about them, think about what you do and what your role is, and never let anyone take advantage of you. Know your role so you may avoid being taken advantage of.
One lives to work and not the other way around. Always remember that, so that you have growth in life. We pass this life once; pursue everything to your heart’s desire so that you may leave no regrets behind. Live the moment and take the risks, if you settle for work as living, you might not notice that the years have passed, and you find yourself getting bald, having a bulging stomach and an apartment with nothing but yourself to accompany you. So, seize the moment and prioritize your happiness if what you’re doing is what makes you happy and know that life is essentially about building good relationships.
posted by vinz @ 12:08 PM
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
SINGLE-NO-MORE! AND PLANS THAT LIE AHEAD
I called a few friends today, I missed hearing their thoughts and the usually jokes we crack when with each other. A friend provided me good news; he finally is committed. I remember in college he and a friend of mine made a bet, that before they graduated they should have a girlfriend. It was a race to who would get committed, we were in 2nd year college at the time, and we were studying in a college turned exclusive to ladies. And three years after graduation one of them finally has a girlfriend. I can just imagine the teases that friend of mine is enduring because he still hasn’t been committed. It’s not that it’s a “must”. I don’t know, I think it’s a guy thing I suppose. I never had problems regarding that because I didn’t have a problem in getting involved or committing with someone.
Decent men find it hard to have someone in their lives. At least these are the rules applying to my close guy friends. I think the reason why I got close to them because they weren’t your typical guy, the type you’d want to introduce to your parents, though, as a friend once said, the ladies they vie for aren’t ready for a guy like them.
I hope this friend of mine who just got committed would last. My close guy friends who are committed have been in their relationship for at least 2 years running now. And I envy the kind of relationship they have, the trust and care and the deep understanding of each other. I used to often ask myself when will I meet that someone in my life, and because of it, I went out a lot. I’ve gained a lot of experience and I’ve been thinking that those times have become a preparation for me, for that someone that has recently returned into my life. I could be wrong though, and I’ll know the answer when I am faced with it soon enough. I am certain of my feelings for her; after all I’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this one for seven years.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me; I can only make a rough plan as to where I am to head, taking each decision and each step one at a time. I want her in my life that much I know and if the fates do shine upon me and her then, it’s meant to be. I will never for myself upon her however, I will do what I can to vie for her feelings and if I get turned down, then so be it, I will move on. I won’t be bitter, for I regard her nothing but the best of intentions, I love her that I know, and knowing she’s found that person in her life and that she’s happy with the way she lives her life, I’ll be content with what I have for her.
I know that love takes time to develop, and that attraction and chemistry is the catalyst towards committing into a relationship. I think of her daily, that is a fact though, I don’t wallow upon it.
I think of the conversation we had yesterday and the thoughts she typed keep coming in my mind; the latest updates in her life, the frustration I felt in her words, her passion and the thought of seeing her smile as she reads through my words and thoughts. Will I be this open when I am with her? There will be boundaries to break, that is for sure. I want to confide in her my thoughts and yet, I want her to see me as someone she can rely upon and be a pillar of strength for her.
I will push through with my plans next year and “come what may” after that. All I know is that will be my next step and I will have to think things through so I can take a step further after that. Greatness; I shall find my definition of greatness soon enough.
posted by vinz @ 9:13 AM
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