Wednesday, August 31, 2005
FAVORS AND WHIMS
The things that I do for my friends; I’ve known this one friend of mine for 3 years now and she knows by now that I in general detest men. That’s a bit harsh, let’s rephrase that, I tend to detest most of the men I meet. And her boy friend is not an exemption to that rule. I don’t know why, there are simply matters in life that we tend to oppose on and this is one of them.I’ve been known to edit photos through Adobe Photoshop. It’s a hobby of mine, an artistic outlet for me, and it calms me when I work with photos that I think that are reputable in regards to beauty or aesthetics.
Anyhow, she has been aware of this little hobby of mine and she wanted me to edit this photo for her boyfriend, and MY GOD. She wants me to edit a photo in which the guy is in his swimming trunks? Yes people; the swimming trunk isn’t the boxer type, yes, yes, sure, the guy is a gym instructor and he has a toned body. Still, I can’t help but feel disgust in what she wants me to do. It’s acceptable if it’s family but some guy that I have opposing personalities with?
Regardless to what I felt, I did the favor she asked me to. I had to grit my teeth and hold my stomach, but its fine. I shouldn’t complain since I made her happy. Hope she’s satisfied with it.
On towards a different matter, my younger brother got home at almost 1:00am, I didn’t say anything why he was so damn late since, I know how hard it is living here though, he forgot to turn off a switch in the car and it ran out of battery this morning. I have to take a cab again tonight.
If anyone from my family were here they would have lectured him, I didn’t. I mean, he’s already angry at himself for forgetting the switch, why add more tension? I just hope my younger brother realizes that and not that I don’t care. I was thinking about it on my ride over here to work, and well, I thought about what if I had a family of my own? This would probably one of my methods of teaching my children though; I’d have a sincere talk with them as to why I’ve dealt with them as such, so they’d understand my perspective.
My younger brother is a great man; he’s very clean and decent although, he does have this knack of thinking for himself and not the people he’s living with. I hate it that I worry about him so much; I know he can handle himself pretty well but, in this country? The risks turn up a notch. I’m glad though that he’ll be moving on this January, where in he’ll be continuing his college degree. One of my dreams is seeing him get a four year diploma on stage and capturing that moment in video. Soon though, I have to be prepared when that time comes, more or less two years from now.
I can’t believe we’re all grown men, time flies; it seems only yesterday that we were spending an afternoon in front of the television playing video games, fooling around and playing with what action figures we had. Though, I can’t honestly say who he is now as a person. There are matters we don’t talk about because it feels awkward to, I suppose it’s because of the upbringing we had. I admire my brothers so much and I see it in their eyes that they feel the same way regarding what I see through them.
We will be great that I know. One of the things my older brother said to me that I haven’t forgotten and that stuck by me is that, God wouldn’t give us these trials not unless he was certain we can accomplish it. In three years time I plan to be financially secured and after that I intend to start my own family.
posted by vinz @ 5:16 AM
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005
A FRIEND IN NEED
I don’t know what it is with me nowadays; it seems that I tend to be a tad bit sensitive. Probably the reasons for which is that the words a friend of mine said to me really made an impact on me. The thought of telling me how much I mean to her as a friend and, I promised myself in the past to be by her side regardless of the circumstances, as I have been towards close friends of mine back home.
One of the great things about me is that I have a lot of friends that doesn’t necessarily know each other. Therefore, fights and disagreements towards each other occur rarely.
It hurts to know that she is having a hard time with the people around her, and it is affecting her, I hope the words that I have uttered shed her some form of comfort. I wish I could be there for her and lend her the support she needs behind her back. Yes, behind her back, I’ve done that countless times and it has always worked in their favor, as far as I am aware.
People tend to judge people and I hate it, it’s alright I suppose if the judgment laid upon is positive but if it’s on the negative aspect? I despise those sorts of people and have little patience in regards to conversing with them.
I have noticed for the past few days I’ve become a beam of support for her, after all, I’ve known her since her freshmen year in college and to think I was in my third year then. We’ve had evenings were we talked about life and our thoughts over SMS messages. She has instilled growth in me as a person and I always think of those moments whenever I am reminded of her. She’s a great lady and that’s what attracted me towards her, the reason for which I wanted to be her friend; a friend she can rely upon. I meticulously choose people I forge friendship with, and I lack the patience if I find the person I am trying to get to know has little or no sensibility in conversing.
Greatness; the greatness that I see in people that I want to befriend with is what attracts me towards them. I tend to intimidate people and frankly, I don’t give a damn, I’ve had too much of my puberty thinking about what other people thought of me, why they viewed me as such and yes, I did lack initiative to think critically at the time. Though, I did develop it eventually and I have gone a long way from the person that I was. I still have those same traits, I simply choose not for it to manifest.
Soon dear friend, you’ll have me by your side and I’ll be here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. My apologies for I couldn’t be there when you shed those tears. I’ll be here for you soon enough and lend you the moral support you need. Our bonds of friendship have grown stronger over the distance and time and I feel blessed, despite the circumstances, that you entrusted me with your doubts. It means a lot to me and I am thankful for having you a part of my life.
posted by vinz @ 4:38 AM
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Monday, August 29, 2005
I’VE SORELY MISSED YOU
So, I can’t help myself feeling all giddy inside. The thought she might be able to say a few words, -few nonchalant words, entices me all the same. And yet, I am afraid it will all be for not. What am I to do? I feel like I already lost without any confirmation, is this true? This concurrent feeling I am having? Or is it just a part of me who doubts everything. I can’t say, though, one thing is for certain, I will see this through to the end. It might hurt me, I might feel the pain I am accustomed to but, I do have the satisfaction of not leaving any regrets behind.
As I was writing this article I was chatting with her sister and She beside her while she studies online, and towards the end of the conversation, I had to leave my desk and while I was away she dropped me a few messages.
It was merely a few words yet it touched me to the core. It justified how I’ve been longing for her presence in my life, and those few words meant a lot to me. I’ve been craving for her attention, and all the longing for her went away for a few seconds as I read those few lines. I need her and yet, I hardly know her, all I know is that I want to be in her life and her in mine.
One thing is for certain, that my feelings for her are true and profound. Most men would take on the opportunity on meeting someone new and attempt to vie for someone whenever they can however, I don’t. Even if I have been faced with incessant flirtations from another my feelings for her doesn’t falter, it isn’t because my mind has made up on her rather, my heart has and that says it all.
I wish I could say those three words in front of her and yet, when I do utter those words, it will have more depth to it, it’s not the kind of endearment in which one says to a friend or family but, towards a partner. I fear it’s too soon to utter those words and yet, she knows, without a doubt.
Here is one guy from her past that has resurfaced, someone she used to know and I know she marvels at my change, we are no longer kids and we have grown so much, too much as one can expect from our age. Though, it may be a good thing, because we know the value, the hardship and the beauty of what life has to offer. I’ve been through a lot and maybe, my experiences in life are a preparation for her when I enter into her world. Will I be her beacon of hope and warmth, in which I can shed a different perspective; a life wherein I am included in hers.
My lips want to utter her name and my mind is brimming with her countenance. “I missed you too” my soul states, “I want to be with you and listen to your thoughts” my mind utters, and my heart whispers, “I want to be with you.”
posted by vinz @ 12:15 PM
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Sunday, August 28, 2005
STRESSED AND WORRIED
I am in need of a moment of peace. I need to silence the incessant thoughts in my mind and rest. I feel tired, how long can I keep this up before I give in to the strain. A retreat from everything is what I need and yet, how can it be so? With the current situation I am in.
I feel trapped, and I need to be free from all this however, if I do that, I might never be able to attain that financial security I am aiming at. Just a little more time and prayers to the almighty, that’s what my mom would say.
Moments of doubt come to mind and it infuriates me to think such matters. I wish I can personally talk to the people that I confide in. I miss the late nights wherein we learn from each other and grow more as a person because of the sensible conversations we delve in. All that is in the past and I am challenged to pursue matters in a totally different medium.
I am thankful however, that regardless of my situation I’ve made new friends and have touched lives despite my distance from them.
I am struggling nevertheless, and my time is running out. I can’t go back since; I know I won’t find attain the things I am vying for. If I do go back, it’ll be to settle things. I am at a phase where I need a drastic change; will it be always like this? Wherein I crave to for a change in the monotony I am currently living in? I take measures into my own hands though, at the moment, that drastic change isn’t an option. If it were only so, I am half way there I tell myself, just a little more time. But I want to escape it all; I need to move on to the next step. I tire of these thoughts nagging in my mind and I want it all to end. What is the remedy? Where and when can I find that answer?
I need silence in my life, and I need to feel the wind in my face, a fresh, moist breeze. I need solace under the stars with a few bottles of vodka cruisers with me. I wish I could be with someone to talk anything that is their thoughts, so that I won’t be reminded with the matters in my mind.
I wish I could talk to her, and marvel at her thoughts. I wonder what she’d be wearing on a cold night such as that. I want to see her face alive and full with her thoughts and opinions, I want to hear her laugh and see her smile and if I’m lucky, see her blush.
My mind asks me why haven’t grown tired of it all. Writing thoughts about her when there really aren’t any improvements regarding my communication with her and instead, I delve upon things that seem to will never happen. Why do you go on?
Why do you go on? The question rages in my mind and the answer I utter is being retorted by a “do you really?”
I will stand by my feelings despite everything, this could all be a test, a one sided test, then? I don’t know, what I do know is I‘ll follow my heart’s desire. It might break me, I am already at the verge and then again, it might not.
posted by vinz @ 8:14 AM
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Friday, August 26, 2005
SLUMBER PARTY & WORDS PER DAY
I am finally half way there, 6 months to go, 189 days left. It’s finally the weekend here and I have 5 hours until work ends. Tonight, my younger brother and I will be going on a slumber party. Yes, that’s right a slumber party. And it’s the kind of party where computer graduates here attend to. Well, at least the next generation of kids.
It’ll involve 8 computers; I think 6 desktops and 2 laptops. The slumber party is actually an overnight of Multiplayer games. I try and avoid playing these games for the past three years, I spent a lot of money and time playing it and I hated the fact that it didn’t provide me any good, I mean I didn’t learn anything that can be of use. Sure, it’s fun and if you win you can brag about it, but it has no value intellectually, and this is merely my opinion. I will play those games this weekend and I am glad I’m not hooked in it anymore. My childhood is full of afternoons spent with video games, and I hope when I become a father I can teach my kids to learn and love reading, as well as value the things that are enjoyable to do at the same time worth something to taking pride in.
These past couple of days, I’m glad that I know I helped a couple of people, erasing a doubt about she has, accompanying some at times of boredom and being there for someone who finds herself crying in front of the monitor of her pc, even if I wasn’t there for her physically, at least I was there with her to provide her comforting words. I just wish I could say those words instead of her reading it. I am a bit depressed the good thing is I didn’t let it get to me, how can you provide a support and show of strength to someone if you can’t hold it together?
This feeling of depression will pass and I might feel better tomorrow, after I have taken the time to relax and do some more soul searching.
I’m happy though, that I’ve been writing constantly this past month, though a bit sad because last night I was writing something down and I already wrote about two pages when the software application hanged on me. I lost what I wrote, I forgot to save it, and I saved a couple of paragraphs but I erased it all since the key points to what I wanted to tackle on where gone.
Anyhow, one must look on and see that experience as a lesson; I won’t use that pc when I write my entries (snickers).
I wonder how many words I write per day. Usually I write up to two pages in my journal and that isn’t counting the paragraphs that I delete afterwards. So I suppose it takes four to five pages, at “single-space”, per day. I think I was 40,000 words, that’s what I read from Nicholas Sparks’ website, how professional novelists usually writes per day. It takes about 5-8 hours a day. And I hear Mr. Morla’s words in my mind at least 50 words when you write an essay, Mr. Morla is my English professor back in elementary and first year high school here in Riyadh, I heard he’s now assistant principal at my old school. I wonder what he’ll think of my writing now when, back then, I believe I was one of the worst in his English class at B section. The two professors I’ll
probably never forget is Mr. Morla and Mrs. Licud, their teaching has been etched in my mind to this day, and I’ll always be thankful for their strictness. A friend of mine emphasized on my writing last night, and I thought I was the only one who realizes it. She gave a comment about something I wrote and well, she said the words that captured my feelings when I wrote it a year ago. Even if the words written there were well hidden with humor and I was flattered because I saw she felt the depth of it all.
I remember this story I read in one of my English books, I used to read my English books during the summer, because I didn’t have anything to read at home then and well, I didn’t want my parents to spend money, I always thought that we needed to save money for our future, little did I know that it was all for not, but that’s a different story to tell for another time.
Back to the story; it was about a king and a Christmas pudding. He had a lot of chefs who prepared different sorts of Christmas pudding for the feast wherein the king’s grandmother would come and visit. A boy, I think he was a chef’s assistant asked the ingredients of the Christmas pudding to the Grandmother and in the end all of the puddings prepared by the chefs were Christmas puddings. How did it become so? The boy whispered a prayer into the puddings as it was being prepared. My point of all this is, I learned that everything that you do, you have to be passionate about it, for it to become special. And I remember this story from time to time as I do something that I am passionate about.
posted by vinz @ 6:25 AM
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
A MOMENT OF RAGE
I finally finished what I’m supposed to do every end of the month here at work. I just hope I didn’t make any mistakes after I’ve checked and rechecked everything. I think I’m becoming an obsessive compulsive and well, if you’re handling something similar to what I do, who wouldn’t?
Anyhow, I’m just glad that I’m through with all of it for this month, until next month then? Crap… But that’s the way it is I suppose (snickers).
One thing though. Growing up, I’ve dealt with a lot of people who raise their voices at me and well, one thing I hate that turns everything to what I see to black is people raising voices at me and I mean I hate it. Let’s say I know what I am capable of and I avoid getting angry but on the rare occasion that I do, everything turns into a blur and everything that I do is run by pure instinct, no critical thinking what so ever, just the sheer satisfaction of getting even or fulfilling the blood lust that I am currently in and that scares me. I’ve gone to my limits and I fear what I am capable of and right now, I am just at the brink of that.
One man can go only far enough to the brink of madness. And I am in borderline madness right now, the restraints I am facing and people raising their bloody voices at me? Especially the work load I’m doing is for 3-4 people? Bloody F*ck. I feel rage swelling from my hands and I need to vent all these before I snap at someone. I hate being insulted, I hate people raising their voices at me, and I’ve had a childhood full of it. I’ve been mentally abused when I was in the Philippines unbeknownst to many and I can’t help but retaliate physically to it, now that I know what “right” and “wrong” is. I’m no longer ignorant and I won’t let myself be treated in such a way, never again.
I call upon karma and have that person be treated with just with what she damn deserves, may she rot in all eternity in the bowels of the seven hells. I hate laying upon judgment in people however, if they come at me at first, screw it, I’ll run my creative imagination on the things what bad omen can come to you and maybe, maybe the universe will grant my wishes again, they already have in the past and what is one more if I rarely ask for anything and wishing upon it with all heart and soul, it makes a damn bloody difference.
Curse her, for I know her cruelty and to how she thinks she’s almighty and above the rest of us. My hands are shaking with rage and I need to vent all these out, at least I kept my temper when I was conversing with her, God, lend me strength to endure this, shed me light to calm the fury and anger that is raging within me. I don’t want to cause havoc, never again.
posted by vinz @ 9:16 AM
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
A FEW ENCOURAGING WORDS & THANKS
I never thought I’d be in work for 12 hours, I’m not one to do any overtime and I’ve always thought that “one, lives to work” and not the other way around. I think it’s acceptable if you love your job, i.e. if I were a novelist, who has his own personal editor and a publishing company who sells what I write, that’s fine. However, what I’m currently doing? I think not. If I were paid in 6 digits of course, you won’t hear me complain, I’d just stay here until I earn enough capital to start my own business. Though it isn’t and yet, I shouldn’t be complaining because I’m fortunate enough to earn this much compared to the people I left behind in the Philippines. But then again, they aren’t experiencing the restrictions I’m facing everyday here.
It isn’t professional to complain and I won’t go into any further details. I hate it that sometimes I think of work when I’m at home trying to relax. It even comes to my sleep nowadays, I hate it.
I hate the restriction I am faced here and the thought I can’t do anything about it for the next several months.
I need to take my mind off these things and I’m glad I have friends who provide me encouraging words with the thoughts that I write:
yah, it's not everyday na we get to meet someone na madali natin makagaanang loob. and im just so thankful na you're one of the few people na nameet ko online na magaan ang loob ko :)
super thank you.. i really really appreciate every little thing that you do for me.. may it be a "hi" lang sa YM or a comment sa blog ko.. it makes my day light and bright..heheh... knowing that there's someone like you out there who takes time out of his busy sched to check up on me frm time to time :)
thank you so much talaga.. :)
vinz (6:45:38 PM): read my latest journal entry? :)
nes (6:45:46 PM): yep i did
nes(6:45:51 PM): ung yesterday?
nes(6:45:54 PM): bat ka naman nasad
nes(6:46:00 PM): parang nalungkot ako sa sinulat mo :(
nes(6:46:19 PM): was that about her?
vinz (6:46:47 PM): yeh it was about her
vinz (6:46:50 PM): heart felt noh? :)
nes(6:46:54 PM): yeah
nes(6:47:05 PM): your writing is getting better
nes (6:47:10 PM): has depth and soul
vinz (6:47:43 PM): THANKS :D
nes(6:47:58 PM): you'll be fine
nes (6:48:03 PM): with or without her
vinz (6:48:04 PM): http://***.****.****
nes(6:48:08 PM): time will only tell
vinz (6:48:10 PM): anydan photo na minention ko ;))
nes (6:48:12 PM): kung kayo kayo
vinz (6:48:15 PM): yeh i know
vinz (6:48:16 PM): :)
nes (6:50:45 PM): she's pretty dun sa pic
nes (6:50:49 PM): lam mo the way i see her
nes (6:51:01 PM): she's the type of girl any guy would be proud of being with
nes (6:51:08 PM): ung tipong ipapakilala sa family
nes (6:51:27 PM): type of girl someone would marry
nes (6:51:31 PM): :)vinz (6:52:24 PM): hehehe
nes (6:52:50 PM): you've got it bad dear
nes (6:54:47 PM): lam mo i really really like this line “I fear uttering these words may elicit a change and yet, everything I’ve written so far leads to these three words: I love you.”
nes (6:54:54 PM): kakakilig ;))
nes (6:54:55 PM): hahaha
vinz (6:55:02 PM): hehehe :”>vinz(6:56:34 PM): iKNOW >:)
vinz (6:56:39 PM): my favorite line from what i've written so far
nes (6:56:41 PM): panalo
nes (6:56:43 PM): i swear :”>
Re: A SUDDEN FEELING OF LONELINESS by vinzi 1/2
you're not alone sweetie...i know how you feel:) i can relate soooo much:)i've my own episodes of what i call "cryingladies" moment, only that i'm not paid for crying:)you know what, i saw "something's gotta give" lastnight...and it was a great breakthrough in easinga part of my "loneliness"...just hang on sweetie..kaya mo yan:)
Thank you for the encouraging words. The internet is a means that has kept me sane; it’s bearable living here so as long as I’m online and I have the people I care for to converse with.
It’s 11:00pm and my back is hurting again, I need to rest but I wanted to finish this entry for the friends that keep me warm and good inside. I pray that when the time comes I’ll be there for you when you need me, whether it be times of tribulation or of revelry.
posted by vinz @ 2:14 PM
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Sunday, August 21, 2005
A SUDDEN FEELING OF LONELINESS
It simply hit me, as I was in the finance department, sitting there waiting for the finance people to finish the job I had them do. Today was hectic and I haven’t noticed the time and everything started out in a rush, and I managed everything in the nick of time. The day is almost at an end and it hit me, a panging pain in the chest and I felt lonely for the first time in a long while.
The last time I recall feeling anything like it was the few months my first girl-friend left me. I don’t know what got into me, I just felt so alone and well, it just hit me that I wanted to come home to with someone, someone I could tell everything I have that’s been bottling up inside me. The care and comfort someone can only bring in a romantic relationship. Sure, I’ve had flings and a previous relationship after my first girl-friend and I had my close friends with me to listen to my woes. However, it’s different, this feeling that I long for, something similar to the way I felt with my first girl-friend, a feeling of being with someone to be there for you when you need it, a comfort she can only bring and a contentment in one’s self that holds unconditional love, the kind of love a partner can only bring and the irony of it all is, the one person that came into my mind that I wished to share it with, is someone I hardly know and yet the link between us is undeniable and can’t be compared with, no matter what people may think. She was my first friend that wasn’t of blood and it was during our times of innocence that our friendship came to be.
The feeling of loneliness, I felt I wanted to cry and it’s kind of embarrassing admitting to all this here and well, quite unmanly (as cliché as it may sound), but hey, it’s the damn truth. I’m not one to cry with the things happening within me, well, not since childhood. However, I do find myself at times being teary eyed when the situation calls for it, like watching a movie and on occasion, a parent showing affection towards her child and vice versa. When I usually find myself in these situations I react with humor, especially when I’m with someone.
And I don’t know if I’ll just let myself shed the tears that I want to, now that I find myself alone at home. Should I let myself come to that point and let it all out? Or do I bottle it all up as I have over the past decade? What will come of it if I have done so? Would I feel better or worse than before? Should I risk it and let it all out?
The words she is a part of my life again still rings true in my mind, before I go to sleep and after I wake in the morning. To think I can see her everyday by means of a photo gives me hope that I can be with her soon. Though, how soon? That, I don’t know. How can an image of someone give off so much connection? Is it a one sided connection? That, I can’t answer.
Thoughts of physical affection come into mind and mind you, everything is chaste. A long hug, that’s probably one of the little pleasures I’m longing for, a warm hug from someone you love unconditionally, her scent mingling with yours, the fragrance of her hair and the look in her eyes knowing that she’s here for you no matter what. Is it wrong to daydream about those things with her? Even if you can’t help it?
Yet, “Right” and “Wrong” is so vague nowadays, at least, that’s what I believe in. For me “Right” is the justification of your morality as well as with “Wrong”. I remember this one lecture in general psychology where in this one psychologist gave tests about moral decisions for people to make. For instance, here was a guy who had a pregnant wife, and the doctor told him that his wife needed an operation and he had to choose which one would live, his wife or his child. Now, for me, I’d choose my wife over the child, no debate there. Why? Well, I can always get her pregnant again and well, if she can’t have a child again afterwards, I’d prefer having her in my life because I know her, and not the child I am to have. “Knock-on-wood”, I pray to the almighty that this scenario would never happen to me.
I have to admit the silence we are currently having leaves me in a bit of a pain, it happens when you like someone. The main reason I think it leaves me in pain is because I still hardly know her and long to be a part of her life. I am a part of her life but, I want more of a role in it. I have to be patient and I don’t want to mess things up with her, not with her. It is a relief though, that I don’t look for reasons of “why?” and “how come?” she hasn’t done “this” or “that”. I’ve learned to look into the goodness in people and there always is a good, innocent situation and, as well as, just reason for everything. I’ve learned to become understanding, a trait not everyone can take pride in.
I keep recalling that night when we last saw each other. I knew I had a lot to improve on if I am to be with her, and it’s amazing because I can still recall those feelings after all this time though, I regret I can vaguely remember her face and yet, the radiance of her character is vivid. Feelings of wanting to impress come into mind and as always, I found a natural way of embarrassing myself. Thanks to my siblings for emphasizing on that scenario on that evening and well, it was a learning experience for me. The saying “you learn from your mistakes” is true and ideal for me because, I naturally make mistakes and I learn from them. Regrets and mistakes are the foundations of my principles and regardless of the pain and disappointment it has brought me, it also pave way to the man I have become, a man who holds his integrity above all else. A man who has learned to show his affections towards the people he loves, one who is adamant in keeping his principles and his word for that matter.
I honestly don’t know what will happen when I come face to face with her. I pray that we have chemistry and that when I’m with her, there would be an ease in the midst of our presence, where every conversation would come smoothly and I’d be hearing her thoughts more often than mine. I miss her voice, and I hope that when I’m with her, the restraints I naturally have would crumble or dissipate.
I miss her, and I won’t let odds or what have you influence a fade in my feelings for her. I take into heart the few moments that I have spent her, the thought of making her smile and a show of speechlessness from my thoughts warms me up nicely. I am yielding to the whims of my thoughts, and she is in the midst of it all, a wishful thinking that has been fulfilled after almost a decade. I am probably madly in love, can’t you tell from what I’ve written so far?
posted by vinz @ 12:54 PM
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Friday, August 19, 2005
RIGHT TIMING?
He takes command of the feelings that are flowing from him. Brushes it off with a shrug, not now his minds speaks, this isn’t a good time.
When is it a good time, then?
He’s been avoiding thoughts of her for the past week and he has for good reasons. And yet, the intensity of the feelings he has for her came, as he saw a photo of her. Her voice comes into mind and a shower of comfort comes to him. Reasons and odds become a blur and nothing matters but to be with her. I want to know if there is chemistry, if it can work out, a mere presence can tell a thousand things and the truth from it all he can decipher.
How else could he have hesitated and backed out with the women he has been with, without his innate talent in intuition and his high regard for his moral principles.
A sad longing comes over him as he looks at her photograph, and he takes into account what others might think of his behavior. To a cynic it might entail an obsession, an infatuation that has lead one to believe because of physical features. And yet to a romantic/idealist it looks to a miracle of wonders that not everything has a logical explanation, which one cannot take into account with odds of this matter. You see “beauty” everyday and yet none of those “beauties” have moved you in such a way as for you to write something about.
History has a way in repeating itself a voice in him states. And you’ve been down this road before, what makes it different this time? True as it may, he has come to this path, more than several in fact. Though, you forget that with all the words you’ve been arguing with yourself, will all be answered by her presence, when we are with her, his mind retorts.
Words of love and affection beckons to flow from his lips and the eyes mists over her as he fears everything might lead to nothing but sham. Is it because of his nature? Of how he has lived his life these past several years that every sweet words and gestures that comes from him have become natural? Ergo, has he ever been sincere with anyone?
Doubts, how can he doubt himself at such a time? In his mind he opens a small notebook and there written within the words: “Everything you have done, every change to better yourself is a preparation for you to find that one person that can motivate you, inspire you and, as well as have the patience to understand you when that time comes, when you shut everything out to gain a sense of control in yourself, a time to recharge one’s soul and remove the strain in one’s spirit.”
Love, it’s so easy to fall and so hard to stay in love. And as of late, he tries not to fall deeper for her, he can’t allow himself and yet the love he has had for her has been there, tempered with time. To go further will drag him to pain though; he’d prefer it rather than not feel anything at all. His mind is in turmoil and he might retreat into a blur of video games to relax or escape his thoughts with a book.
Honesty, this time, I’ll be adamant in being honest. I may have said white lies in the past but I want the relationship that I have started with her, be it friendship or whatever, to be based on honesty. It shall be one of the core foundations if it were to prosper to something even more.
Will there be chemistry between us? His mind asks him for the thousandth time, he knows he fears facing her, what if there isn’t any chemistry between them? What if there is? For certain a change will come and he doesn’t know if he’s anxious or excited of the prospect of it coming to an end.
A phrase comes into his mind that he wishes to tell her, even if he has written this for someone else in the past, the words ring true for his feelings for her:
“I fear uttering these words may elicit a change and yet, everything I’ve written so far leads to these three words: I love you.”
posted by vinz @ 9:28 AM
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Thursday, August 11, 2005
Latest Portrait of Art and Updates
Before my parents left to visit my older bro, I made it a point to make use of the digital camera my brother and I bought. We bought the camera a couple of months ago right before he took his vacation in Australia and my parents will be bringing our Sony Cybershot DSC-T1.
I’ve been planning on taking a photo shot of my black leather bound journal; I’ve been looking for a leather bound journal ever since I watched the movie “Cruel Intentions” at the cinema. I finally found one last November and I made it a point that would be the item I’ll buy for myself last Christmas. It was like a dream come true, seeing the leather bound journal at that bookstore, and I was hell-bent in getting it, as soon as I received my allowance form my parents I immediately bought it.
One of the items I included in this photo was my black bead necklace; anyone who has met me will see that I wear a black bead necklace. I’ve been wearing it since I was in third year high school. Of course, I’ve replaced it over the years and I make it a point that I have spare necklaces at home. Whenever I found myself having 2 or less necklaces to spare, I’d often go on a crusade to find one. I’ve even gone to Baguio to purchase half a dozen of these for 50php. Over the years, some of the women I’ve been with have asked for these necklaces of mine. One of the things that made them ask for it is because of its scent. When I’m attracted to someone I cater to her five senses, and the necklace isn’t just for show, it also lengthens/stores the perfume and body wash I use. One thing though, I use different mixes of body wash and perfume with the ladies I’ve been. I love buying perfumes, my younger brother and I have a variety at home; “Acqua de Gio”, “Issey Miyaki”, “Emporio Armani”, “Diesel for Men”, and “Giorgio Armani White He” to name a few. The necklace has helped me countless times with the women I’ve been with.
The Buddha bead bracelet inside the photo, I’ve worn a Buddha bead necklace on and off for the past three or four years. I either wear a watch or bracelet when I go out and I suppose the reason why I chose the Buddha beads is because of my heritage, I have Chinese blood on both sides of the family which isn’t ordinary if you’re living in the Philippines. I’ve been mistaken for a Chinese and Taiwanese these past several months living here by fellow Filipinos, which amazes me every time, I mean I don’t have yellow skin unlike my father and older brother.
In the photo I’ve laid out the print outs of the articles I’ve written over the past couple of years, and if you’ll notice on the bottom page, you’ll see a page that was hand written by me. I usually prefer writing it on paper before typing it in the pc.
As for the pocket book that has my name on it in the photo: it’s a copy of Anne Rice’s The Vampire Lestat, one of my all time favorite books, and I intend on naming one of my future sons as “Lestat”. I’m actually rereading it again; I have all the copies of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles except for “Merrick”. I also have duplicate copies of her book, “The Vampire Lestat”, “Interview with the Vampire”, and the “Blood Canticle”. The reasons for which I bought duplicates is because some of the books I sent it to my younger brother, which he still haven’t read and is mine again since I got here and the other because my first copy of “Blood Canticle” is in the Philippines along with my other prized books that is being looked after by a good friend of mine.
The parker pen in the photo, I bought it coupled with the leather bound journal, and it’s the pen I’m currently using here in the office hence, is with me 2/3 of the day 6 days a week.
As for the line that I wrote in the photo, it was from a love letter I wrote for someone. I felt like writing it there, it’s actually one of my favorite lines that I’ve written. I still believe that writing a letter is the grandest expression of romanticism.
As of late, I’m a bit depressed since I still haven’t talked to her. Her internet connection at work was disconnected because she was caught chatting, I hope it wasn’t during the time we were doing it though. I called her the other day, she was commuting home and she was on the bus so, the conversation ended quickly. I tried calling her that evening, I couldn’t reach her phone, and she said she has a problem with her battery. Called her again a while ago and still couldn’t reach her.
I am at a slump once again and I divert myself towards other things. Like trying to help a few friends with whatever means I can and recently made several people smile because of a present I made and wrote for them. I try to be a good listener and often try not to talk about myself and it helps having a journal to talk about you since, you tire when you talk to someone about yourself. I like being underhand of things instead of being the right or left hand guy. I appreciate myself more because of it. I’m not looking for fame and glory rather, I want to live my life to the fullest and build good relationships with the people around me.
posted by vinz @ 9:42 AM
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Grad Video, Weight Gain & A Crappy Professor
I’ve been avoiding my graduation video, for some reason I don’t like seeing myself in the television or monitor. However, this morning I didn’t have a choice, my younger brother was uploading our home videos and I conveniently came upon my grad video, my mom came into the room, then watched it as I was sitting there, with the intention of closing the window but, she put her arms on my shoulders. So, I had to sit there and watch myself, just great…
I was shocked to see how thin I was, and the thought of knowing that’s how people see me made me think a lot of things. But, all that’s changed, I’ve gained a lot of weight since I moved back here. From 67kgs (147.4lbs) to 75kgs (165lbs) in 2 months, I’ve been on a diet since then. I’m currently at 73kgs (160.6lbs) my target weight is 70kgs (154lbs) that’s what my average weight should be as my height is 5’8”. I’ve also been really careful of the food I take in, my parents have high blood pressure, and my brothers and I are likely prone to that, I take in garlic pills to maintain my blood pressure coupled with multivitamins. Since last year, I’ve been warned by my doctor to avoid certain food because I had high blood pressure for my age and for that, I’ve gotten sick on and off last year, that with my diet and the stress I was taking in because I was trying to put a business in the Philippines last year, we got the location and produced the product however, it just wasn’t feasible enough for us to go through with it. That’s when I got hell bent in moving out of the country.
Anyhow, I wonder what my friends would say when they see me now?
The last time I had some weight in me was when I was at age 4, my mom finally had one of her wishes granted and that is to see me gain weight. It’s now a struggle for me, to keep my weight and diet in check. I won’t falter; I won’t be like my father who has what I call a Buddha tummy. For someone who has always been lecturing me to do this or that, why can’t he be a role model? I make my own decisions now and he can’t make me do the things that I don’t want to. I’ll take risks if I need to; I prefer that than looking back and having regrets.
I had one professor in college that I got pissed off; his classes was full of lectures of how the grades would be and mostly about us not performing well, how he accomplished this or that but the thing is, it wasn’t related to the course. And every single lesson we had this enumeration exams, even if it were open book, the pages we had to read was immense coupled with that we had to do our Strategic Management Paper. My patience was put to the test, imagine having all this every single lesson for three months, coupled with that, it was the time a lady I was dating cheated on me. Surmise to say, I wreaked havoc in class, the professor and I threw words at each other and thankfully I managed to hold my tongue with curses. Anyhow, soon after that, he mentioned in class that not all of us would enter the corporate arena, which was true, however, everyone knew he pertaining especially to me. A couple of years later, I wonder what he’d think when he finds out where I am now. It dawned on me that I’m in the corporate arena when I received my business cards, seeing the title and my name. Yet, I’m not satisfied, I still have a lot to accomplish but the notion of having taking the step to get there, I have to admit, it is a bit gratifying. Oh and I didn't flunk the course however, I didn't get the grades I deserved nonetheless, I passed with above average marks.
posted by vinz @ 6:08 AM
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Monday, August 08, 2005
Understanding Me
It is flattering to hear your friends say that they wish there were more men like me though, at the same time its heart wrenching. Why can’t there be more guys who are deserving of their affection? But then again, I am not the typical guy or so they say. Could it be the reasons for which is my background, my upbringing or the choices I have made in the past that molded me into the man I have become?
None of my friends can argue that I’m just all talk since whenever I set my mind into something I go for it, gritting my teeth as I face the odds and often enough, I miraculously come through with flying colors. Take into light when I got here. I didn’t know if I was to find work and one week into my search I landed this job; had an interview and two days later started working in this company. I’ve been blessed enough and I’m truly thankful to the almighty. Humility is what one needs to recognize in order for opportunity and success to come to them, one of the lessons in life I have learned.
I tend to have a way with words, able to say the right things with the correct intonation, expression at the right moments. It comes naturally to me, especially when I’m not pressured. I tend to be more of myself when I’m alone with someone, rarely when I’m with a group of people. The only time I can remember when a group of people saw an inkling of the real me was my retreat and last recollection in college. I may not be the guy who can naturally crack jokes and make everyone laugh until their stomachs ache however; I’ve been known to crack a few. But I’m the friend who’ll be there in your time of need if I am able, someone who has been there in their worst and at times, embarrassing moments.
I’ve been known to utter painfully honest opinions when inquired upon. I don’t have the patience nor do I feel that I have the time to come up with lies and, to think this is coming from someone who has a way with words. So, what does that tell you?
I’m not one to take a lead upon issues; I prefer to inspire people to be moved by my actions. I read about this one individual who wanted to change the world for the better, she/he tried but failed. She/He thought she’d/he’d try something smaller, so she/he tried the city she/he was living in and couldn’t as well. So, she/he decided to change her/his family for the better and that too she/he failed. She/He decided then on to change herself/himself for the better. The moral of the story for me is if you want to make a difference, start with yourself. I am grateful that I have been told that I have inspired a few; a life changing decision, an old passion rediscovered, a different means of expressing one’s self and a motivation to pursue something further that is of interest.
It seems a life time ago when a friend of mine asked what I meant when I told him presentation is key when handing someone a present. Giving a present to someone you have affection for is ordinary; the key to a lasting memory when offering someone a present is creating a story behind it regardless what the gift is. Cater to the five senses that’s the first thing I think about when I plan on giving someone a present and to be honest, it usually takes me a month to finish and be satisfied with the creativity and intricacy of the ideas I have concocted. I like to talk about it with my friends and see what their thoughts are, in a way it follows through on the perception that I’m not the typical guy. I’ve never cheated nor have I forced my affections on anyone.
I have an eye for beauty, able to bring out the best in words whether it be features or character of someone I’m conversing with or about. I believe more of the general goodness in women versus the men, and it isn’t because I studied in my college, its more I suppose because I know what my gender generally thinks. Ergo, I have little faith in men’s sincerity, there’s always a catch, a wanting to gain, to take advantage, to come up on top in regards to my gender and of course, there were rare occasions that I’ve been wrong.
There is no point to what I have written here, it’s simply my means of understanding me. A reminder of the person I am, my quirks and views. A means to pass the time.
posted by vinz @ 9:42 AM
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Sunday, August 07, 2005
Six Hours Of Rant
So, I’ve managed to save a hefty amount of cash since I’ve been working here. I’ve managed to shrug off most of my “impulse buying” attacks. And it feels so good to have something saved up in case of emergencies. Living alone for the past three years does have its advantages.
I vividly remember this one time, I ran out of cash because I’d go out and partied often. And for three days I didn’t have anything to eat… well, alright, 2 and half days. Even though I could have borrowed some cash from my trusty best bud, I didn’t, told myself this was my punishment for spending without thinking for the future. Though, I didn’t do it again (snicker), the next time I ran out of cash, I loaned some money from my trusty best bud. The difference was, I fore saw my lack of cash whenever I loaned some cash and whenever I received my allowance I paid him immediately and it wasn’t always like that, I lent him some cash too when he was in need.
I guess, this was how it started, thinking for my future when I started budgeting the allowance my parents sent me every month, during those times when I was living alone. For a time, I did all my laundry, household chores and cooking. I was fortunate enough to have hired a trust worthy household cleaner who would do the laundry and the cleaning of my home twice a week. Even if her laundry skills aren’t that good, it was still a relief to have someone clean the house in order for me to concentrate on my studies and later after graduating, concentrate on the things that I passionately love which is, writing, reading, dabbling with my pc with the different software applications I am knowledgeable at and yes, the dates I’ve had with people I met who I was attracted to and as well as the times when I went out with friends.
I wasn’t certain I’d find work, though I never thought about going back to the Philippines after three months living here. Probably at the back of my mind I was sure that everything would pan out. I still don’t know what lies ahead of me, I know I want to reach this goal but the details to get there, I haven’t figured that out yet, it’ll come to me when the time arrives.
Counting the days until my vacation has become a routine in the mornings, as soon as wake I open my Friendster account and edit the days, as of now I have two hundred and eight (208) days before I can take my leave. In a way it teaches me patience and discipline. It also gives me a sense of time to which I look forward to. Thankfully my parents have told me not to give them part of my salary after August. I can save more and it’ll be easier for me when I take my vacation.
Sometimes life demands a change so that one can grow and develop as an individual, my life changes constantly every year. I’ve grown so much during my years of living independently and sadly, I have to admit that I’ve barely grown as a person living here though; I have to say in the aspect of work related experience I have grown and learned a lot. I’m currently living a droned life and what keeps me sane are the people I left in the Philippines and the people I met online. I’d probably be playing pc games or I would have bought a playstation2 if there weren’t websites like Friendster, Multiply and Blogspot. I’ve been avoiding video games because it takes a toll in my life, I don’t accomplish anything when I play and I am improving at nothing. Regardless, it passes the time, I avoid it whenever I can, I prefer helping friends with what I can and making them smile with the little things that I do.
I wonder what life I will lead when I finally have someone to come home to. Will I pass by the florist before I head home every once in a while? Will I be able to converse with her without noticing the time? I know the value of having time alone, because I need it from time to time, I tend to sink into my own world, a need to recharge my batteries and during the weekends here, I tend to do just that. For the past week I’ve been offline in my YM messenger and I was flattered that I received a few offline messages inquiring where I was. I’ve practically been online 24/7 for the past months. And whenever a friend needs my console they’d simply go online and ping me a message, I usually find myself waking at the wee hours of the morning chatting with friends that I hold dear.
A friend of mine recently asked for a favor, and to be honest, I relish these moments when they need me. I think it’s the best thing in the world helping someone you know, I prefer helping people I know instead of helping someone I just met or strangers. Anyhow, my heart is overwhelmed with joy as I read through her replies with joy and appreciation. My first love taught me the value of making someone smile without expecting anything; it is one of the greatest lessons in life that I learned.
Generally speaking, things are fine. I’ve gotten closer to some of my friends when I was leaving and I met new people via Multiply and more or less have gotten close to them as well. I got reacquainted with a childhood friend that I’ve longed to communicate with, got in touch with old friends that I thought I’d never get to. They keep me sane, it’s hard living here where you’ve been restricted with so many things that you’ve grown accustomed to and sometimes it takes its toll on you. Just a little more patience, time flies and I just realized I’ve been writing this piece of article on and off for the past six hours.
posted by vinz @ 11:01 AM
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Thursday, August 04, 2005
Kalas (Finish in Arabic)
Whew, I finally finished posting the journal entries I’ve written over the past year, it took me an hour to finish it all, thankfully I’ve written down the dates when I wrote it. >:)
posted by vinz @ 8:19 AM
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Another One of Those Days
My parents will be visiting my older brother, they didn’t get the confirmation of their flights today and they’ll try this Saturday. Finally I get to have some sense of privacy. Though, I’d prefer accompanying them however, circumstances wouldn’t permit.
It’s a Wednesday. Thursdays and Fridays are weekends here although, I still have work tomorrow at least it’s half-day. I can’t wait to relax and clear my head of work for a day and a half.
I haven’t conversed with her lately. Apparently, her internet connection at work was revoked, I wonder if it’s my fault? I hope not. I try not to think about her often because I can’t do anything about the situation I am in with her. A week ago, when this started I sent her a few sms messages, well alright, so I sent two sms messages inquiring how she was, I’m not sure if she received it or not because she didn’t reply.
One of the things I learned from my past was people always have good intentions when something amiss happens. So, I try not to let my mind wander on thoughts that’ll affect me. I worry too much about her, and I guess it goes to show when you care about someone dearly. I hope the time we’ve spent with each other would strengthen her resolve and spirit. I can only offer so much words and encouragement. I haven’t written to her lately, its not that I don’t want to write to her, God knows how many times it has crossed my mind however, I didn’t want to impose anymore than I have. She’s starting to define herself without being in a relationship and I know how hard it is to start over on something you’ve been accustomed to.
“Baby Steps” how many times have I used that term in a conversation with a dear friend? And now, it’s my turn to follow that advice. If it is to be, it is up to me, words I try to live by, a quote a friend once sent via email and it has been engraved in my mind for the past four years.
I recall the last few words we had in our conversation via ym and it felt so right saying those words:
She: bye..
vinzi: ingat ka hah..
She: :)
She: thanks
She: :D
vinzi: and yes (her name), I missed you..
vinzi: :D
She: hehe
She: >:D<
I may see her sooner than I might think, I try not to think about it, what will happen when she’s here, how often will I visit her or will she visit me. My mind halt such thoughts, it makes it easier I suppose if it doesn’t work out. If it happens between her and me then, that’s the time I’ll think things through. Let’s say I tend to see the forest more as to the trees.
posted by vinz @ 7:18 AM
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Monday, August 01, 2005
Complaints
I was never close to my father and we have opposing personalities. The same goes with my older brother, we just can’t seem to stay and live in one place for long. My brother and I stayed in the Philippines without our parents for two years, during those times we never really spent quite a great deal of time together, we had different lives and even if we did stay in one roof, we rarely see each other. It’s practically been like this ever since we were little. Though the respect, love and support are there however, seeing each other and interacting with one another for too long, fights and arguments will incur.
The same goes with my dad, I hate it that every time we talk it would seem like a lecture, that he’s right and I’m wrong or I need to look at things at a better light. He wasn’t there during my puberty stage; he wasn’t there when I became an adult; heck, he was the third father figure that came into my life, the first being my grand dad, and the second my uncle who passed away last year at the age of 38 (God Rest their Soul). Surmise to say, he doesn’t know me at all and I have no intentions of letting him in.
We don’t see eye to eye. I can’t help myself contradict him (in my mind) with every lecture that he does and, some of the respect I had for him diminished when I confirmed that he did make a grave mistake several years back. The rest of the family did the right thing not to tell me what he did wrong though; the secrets do come out sooner or later.
I recall more moments of being punished by my father other than acts of affection. I won’t be like him when I become a Dad.
I get easily irritated when I’m being scolded or rather when someone raises their voice at me, the reason for which may probably attribute to my mom’s traits, it isn’t her fault, and it’s just the way she and the rest of her siblings are. Yet, you can’t fault me for being like this, imagine growing up in a house where you get this everyday, I tend to get blinded by rage and fortunately enough, I’ve kept my mouth shut when this incurs.
The reason why I didn’t miss my parents that much when I was left alone in the Philippines was probably because of these reasons. I had peace and quiet, no one to tell me to do this or that.
I feel like I moved backwards when I came here, living with them again. Yet, I promised them I’d stay for at least a year.
I promised myself when I had kids I’d be a parent and friend to them, I look forward to spending time and have conversations as they grow, I want to know what their thoughts are, what perspectives they have and traits that they develop. To have a family of my own is a dream but in order to have that I still have to find that person who will compliment my character, someone I can see myself getting married. Who knows? Maybe I’ve already met that person and with a little more time, I might be faced with certainty towards her.
Later this evening I have to set my mind into accomplishing a task that was brought to me a week ago. Opportunity has knocked at my door step and I’ve let him in, now all I have to do is to entertain him and seal the deal with the education my college has provided me.
Wish me Luck and Pray for the best.
posted by vinz @ 4:33 PM
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