Monday, July 25, 2005
Reminiscent Thoughts
Thankfully I have managed pretty much to get my thoughts off work when I come home. I feel whenever I think about work the few gray hairs that I have would multiply exponentially.
Besides the countdown I have imposed on myself there is one thing that I’m looking forward to. She is expected to come here a couple of months from now.
To be honest I feel scared, probable doubts of what is to come, manifests in one’s mind. Yet, this is an opportunity that I long for. We may establish a foundation that would lead her towards a future with me. This time it isn’t some lady that I find fancy where I can play to her every thoughts and whims without a care towards what she thinks of me ergo, I’ll probably won’t be as confident since, this is a matter of great risk involved. I’m never that confident with myself when I’m sincere with someone though, I have to be, especially with her, I have to be my usual self so I can open doors for her, show her the world through my eyes.
We’re taking it slowly; she recently ended a five year relationship. Truthfully, knowing she’s single warms me up nicely. Though, I have to wait until she is ready, a feat I don’t mind at all.
I pray that I may establish something, something special or great and worth the wait, with the few months I will spend with her. Close friends of mine are aware of my trait of how tenacious, -provided that it is in line with my principles, I can be when I’ve set my mind on to a task, and goal or what have you.
I close my eyes and see her in front of me beaming, thoughts of what we’ll do when she arrives entertains my mind. Would I cook for her and have her help me with it? Would I watch her eat as we sit and talk about anything that comes to her mind? Do I embrace her in front of our parents when we meet up for the first time in six years? Would I take in her scent and imprint it in my mind and compare the scent that she had when we were little? Would I remember it? How long would I prepare myself before meeting up with her? White, the color white, whenever I think of it nowadays, I am reminded by her, white never looked that good when she wears clothing colored with it.
It’s still a mystery to me, how I am able to say those words when I converse with her; spur of the moment thoughts of sweetness and fondness, a reflection of my affections towards the lady I hold dear.
I am humbled by her beauty. Her presence illuminates the change I have undergone to better myself, she reminds me of a time when I hadn’t a care in the world, at the same time the man I have become.
posted by vinz @ 7:46 AM
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
Mapping Out My Life
He promised her he'd get some sleep and said to himself he will after this. He writes in bold letters the topic and title for his next journal entry/article on a piece of parchment. It's four in the afternoon and soft music flows from his room as he delves into his thoughts.
I can't remember when all this started, I suppose this all came about a decade ago. My brothers and I went back to the Philippines to study; it was a dream then, to study in the motherland.
Probably what pushed us to study there was the dismay we had in the locals here. We were still kids and we shouldn't have gone back to live in the motherland. Then again, living in the Philippines showed me how ignorant I was with everything around me.
My years in high school opened my eyes as to how people are and the path I was treading if I weren't to change. My senior year high school adviser taught me a great deal of character, I'd often look forward to when he is to relate his life experiences in class and I felt a need to make him proud of me, I still can't explain why though.
The effort I made studying in my senior year paid off when I got accepted to the college I wanted and I felt I'll become a better person and grow as an individual in the environment I was to be immersed in.
During my college years, I met a lot of people who changed my life for the better, whether it was a bad experience or not, it changed me for the better. I reached my lowest point and have risen from it, and I also in this period, took the time to set my priorities and wants in life.
A friend once said that I plan my life too much. I retorted that I know where I want to be, the details to get there will come to me, I'll take the necessary steps to get to that level and then come up with a plan to take the next step with the limited choices in front of me.
Some of my priorities may have changed but one thing I am certain, is that I want to achieve that financial stability soon and have a loving, affectionate family of my own.
He nods off and wakes to find his hands still holding the pen. He rereads what he'd written, made several corrections and emitted a few paragraphs here and there. He takes a look at the time on his cell phone, reads the SMS message he received and smiles, a friend of his was back from her vacation. He missed the conversations they had and the laugh trips they enjoyed.
After replying to her message he sees the time; 10:48pm, it's almost 4:00am in the Philippines, he wonders if she’s going to work on a Saturday.
It's been three weeks since their communication started and during that few weeks, he can’t believe that the feelings he's been suppressing for the past six years are flowing freely. Don't leave any regrets behind; follow your feelings to your heart's content, his mind states.
The words from a conversation he had with a close friend of his come to mind:
roberlee (7:00:10 AM): well, i don't consider you getting dumped... they're just not ready for a guy like you
vinzi (7:00:24 AM): thanks bev.. that's so sweet of you
vinzi(7:00:25 AM): hahahha
roberlee(7:01:16 AM): that's how i always thought of it... kc, why wouldn't a girl not like you?
She's probably the most honest and frank friend of his among the ladies, a trait he loves about her, one of the people who made an impact in his life.
"They're just not ready for a guy like you..."
He wonders if the lady he is vying for will be ready for him when the time comes. She recently got out of a long-term relationship and he does not intend to become the rebound guy.
It's become natural to him, planting words during a conversation and reading towards the replies people make; analyzing the values and personality the person has.
She has replied with all the right words he opted she'd make and for that he falls deeply for her more.
She knows he loves her to that extent and more yet, he has never told her that in their conversations. Indirectly through some of the letters and articles he has written however, directly and only the three words? Nay, he has his reasons.
The thought of seeing her strengthens his resolve to achieve his dreams, she, of course is included in that. "Soon" his mind says, with a little patience, hard work and diligence, everything will pan out accordingly. For now, he lavishes on the moments he spends with her, making her smile, moving her to tears with joy, making her laugh... He wants to see her, he has sorely missed her and to think it might be a few years that he will actually see her in person. Maybe with this way, it'll strengthen their connection with each other? Who knows? No one can really say what will happen in the few years to come, though, he is adamant in working things out with her, he hasn't seen her in six years and what will be a few more years compared to the six without any communication? "Peanuts" his mind says, "it will be peanuts compared to the six years."
posted by vinz @ 7:37 AM
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
233 days to go....
I had great time chatting with an old friend of mine in college though; I did meet a few of her friends and a relative via YM conference. It was all good. I can’t believe its been five years that I’ve been friends with her, I miss the late night text messages we’d send each other when something bothered her or when I send one of those “something to ponder thoughts” that I write.
She makes me think critically without putting any effort and through these conversations, I get to understand and define who I am as a person. I courted her once and was turned down, though, she didn’t say anything. I learned many things because of her, though, unbeknownst. The ethics that she showed, her confidence and her finesse: traits I admired about her. Even though, we didn’t really hang out, there still is this undeniable connection and respect towards the friendship we’ve started and as she is fully aware, that when the need arises, I’ll be there for her, she has my utter respect, and support with everything that she decides in life.
As I was chatting with her and her friends, I noticed I took glances on my YM messenger list, looking at her name, the lady that I’ve been writing about lately. I smiled; I felt I was checking up on her, as though I could see what she was doing. The thought counts my mind beckons and I agreed. Last weekend I was writing her a song, I still haven’t finished it, probably this Friday I could concentrate on it.
There is a timbre of silent satisfaction in me, and she is at the core. Satisfied yet not fulfilled. Probably, when I truly have her in my life that silent satisfaction will evolve to contentment and, fulfillment as to one aspect of my wants in my life.
I won’t leave any regrets behind, I’ve had too many of those growing up and I hate dwelling upon them and yet, they are the foundation to the man I have become. I am vying for her feelings and even if there are barriers, I have no intention of backing down, it will be a challenge but it won’t stop me, it simply challenges my creativity towards showing affection. I don’t want to look back several years from now and think about this moment as a “what if”, nay, I’ve waited at the back of my mind for this for six years since I last saw her on that fateful evening. I envied her friends for having her in their lives, envied them because she wasn’t in my life any longer at that time and I regretted not taking the necessary steps for being in her life.
A letter, writing a letter and expressing one’s thoughts towards the other; for me this is the highest grand gesture of being a romantic. Because, in that letter, you pour your soul into, your passion, thoughts, feelings you have at that moment written down and recorded for all time. When read, you go back in time, a time when every thought one has was towards you, and you feel that, for a fleeting moment you’d feel that person with you and sometimes, you’d hear their voice in your mind as you read.
I will wait for you if you will let me; patience has never been my strength however, this time it’s about you. I will not falter. I’ve been wishfully thinking for this moment for more than half a decade, haven’t I? And if you’ll have me, can you wait for me?
posted by vinz @ 10:14 PM
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Monday, July 04, 2005
Hard To Find
It’s been a while since he last conversed with his friend via YM. He’s one of those few good men out there and like most of his kind, he’s taken. He’s currently in a long distance relationship, four years into it and he still is passionately in love with her. A lot of women have fallen in love with him and not once did he cheat on her.
He says to his friend not to leave any regrets behind.
Recently, a close friend of his confessed her feelings towards him, it was the third time it happened and he felt betrayed by it. He seeks console with him and he imparts him with the wisdom he has garnered over the years. Follow your gut instincts and make the decision so as long as it is within line with your values and principles.
After his conversation with him, he is reminded of a friend of his that is five years his senior, he too is currently in a long term relationship.
“Baby Steps” that’s what he advised him one night at his home, when he was seeking console. It paid off in the end and he’s happy knowing that his friend is going accordingly with the relationship he was in.
Not to compare but, he thinks about if he too can pull it off. Getting into a long distance relationship where in it might take him three years to see the woman he is vying for and if by chance, his feelings would be reciprocated, can they work it out?
“You out of all the guys I know can pull it off.” His friend says to him one late night in December when they were discussing long term relationships.
He replies to him that he knows that he can commit into a long distance relationship so as long as the communication is there however, the question lies if the lady he is involved with, can.
“Great men like us are so damn hard to find, it’ll be their f*cking loss, not ours.” He responds cockily.
“I am eccentrically beautiful... profoundly appealing. Many try to understand, but still haven't the faintest idea of who or what I am.
“Only God can judge me. People who try to do so... usually end up disappointed.
“I dress for attention. I walk for attention... hoping to inspire some kind of conflict with ignorant fools who could be repulsed by my excessive confidence. Quite amusing though, most are intrigued by it.
“I love attention. I immerse myself in it. And as I've expected, I don't lack it. I am surrounded by the greatest friends anyone could ever have in a lifetime. If you knew what kind of friends I possess, you'd wish you were me.
“I don't usually give a f*ck for what other people think, but I give high regard to what my friends say... and sometimes I don't.
“Patience has never been one of my virtues. If you're not worthy of my attention... better seek it elsewhere.” He quotes him sarcastically and adds beaming, “That’s about sums it up, right?”
“Abso-f*cking-lutely.” He says laughing.
posted by vinz @ 5:43 AM
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Friday, July 01, 2005
Midnight Sessions
There simply are people you connect with, more so than others, even though you haven’t spent that much time, there’s a deep understanding with one another and the respect and confidence in the other holds no bounds.
I wonder dear friend what your thoughts would have been, have you known that one of the things I’d want to fulfill in life has come to pass. I have her in my life again and you’ll be surprised nonetheless when I introduce you to her. Surprised as well as clarify certain issues why I’ve done so many things in the past with utter patience and diligence despite my lack of patience towards other matters.
If I haven’t moved here, she would have never come back into my life. And yet, even though I have her back, I still am unable to see her since, she’s living there.
I’ve missed the late nights when we’ve conversed endlessly. In those few weeks, we’ve caught up a lot about each other’s lives and I wonder; if I am able to spend a few weeks with her I’d be able to catch up with the years she and I have been apart?
I often think about seeing her again for the first time in years, will I be able to control myself from embracing her? Will a tear trickle from my cheeks as I have her in my arms? My eyes mist on the prospect of it coming to pass.
My days are filled with thoughts of her, I find myself eager to know her, to see how much she has grown in terms of maturity and character.
I vaguely remember seeing her last, it was her sister’s debut and I can’t recall the dress she wore except that it was white. Although, I vividly remember her radiance, her beauty and the feelings I had, marveling how the woman she was blooming into. I was too young then, still wet behind the ears and I still didn’t know who I was.
Seven years later, we’ve graduated college and presently tackling the world for stability we long for…
I’ve heard a brief history how her life went these past seven years and I wish I could’ve been there for her. Though, these past seven years of my life was a tread that I took that I wouldn’t want her to have witnessed. I want her to know me now, the man I have become through your patience and understanding. We often brag about how the foundation of our friendship was through harsh times, harsh times indeed and it truly is a remarkable thing to take pride in. Our friendship holds no bounds, an unconditional love and respect for another.
Do you recall that one night when we talked if we were to have kids, what their names would be? I mentioned her name haven’t I? She means a lot to me, always have been at the back of my mind whenever nostalgia hits me and, this longing I have for her has recently grown more so.
I dreamt of her a few nights ago, she was laughing and we were having a great time. I can’t recall where we were in that dream, it seemed all I cared about was giving her my full attention, the world around us didn’t matter, it seemed so real and when I woke that morning, I was a bit dismayed that it was all a dream. Though, the thought of seeing her again keeps me going, I look forward to each passing day now, and I will do what I can to be a part of her daily life, with whatever means I can.
I honestly don’t know what will happen in the months to come. Or for that matter, the future that lies between she and I. Though, that won’t stop me from praying and wishing that everything will pan out in the end. I have her back, and I can’t emphasize enough how important she is to me. The seal that has been keeping my feelings for her has finally been broken and truthfully, despite the history that we’ve shared, I can’t rationalize why she means the world to me, there simply are things in life that are beyond explanation and comprehension.
posted by vinz @ 8:24 AM
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