Friday, September 24, 2004
Capturing One's Heart
If I have said that I’ve fallen in love with you, would you believe me? No, you shouldn’t however, that isn’t to say my feelings for you are inching towards that. As I spend more time with you, I feel so much comfort, contentment and spur to work hard, so that I can achieve my goal of financial freedom, to provide and care for us.
I may not be the dashing knight; that is slick and full of charm. I’m just an ordinary Joe, who seeks your heart and promises you all the support he can offer.
I’ve never felt so scared as I tread upon this path of pursuing you. I hold my breath as I take each step and sigh with a relief that I didn’t land upon quick sand.
Thoughts of confessing my feelings for you dawdled in my mind as I converse with thee. Thankfully, I haven’t done so; it has to be in the right moment and in person. You deserve that and more. I wish I’d know what to say at the right time and with those words I hope, I could sweep you off your feet. The kind where in you’d feel afloat and the butterflies in your tummy manifests because, that’s how I feel about you.
You have done nothing but by simply being yourself and as I discover more of you each passing time we spend, I can’t help but feel the growing affection I have for you.
As I sink into my thoughts I take in mind, the steady beat of my heart, the warmth of my body against the cool, gentle air and the mists in my eyes.
You’ve come to me as a boon in this monotony. The unwitting hand that has led me out of the maze and with the comfort of your thoughts and voice I’ve known warmth for my soul, once again.
posted by vinz @ 4:58 PM
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Thursday, September 23, 2004
Subsequent Headaches
He takes a moment to relax his mind. The throbbing pain his head brings provides no warrant of rest or relief. Quelling the rage in his heart and the buzzing in his ear will take a few more days. He’s been for the past three years dedicating a week every three months of cleansing.
Cleansing by his definition of abstinence from meat and poultry. Drinking tea instead of soda.
He has a short temper, it’s no secret, and in fact he is infamous of it. Nowadays, he’s been successful, most of the time, in controlling it.
During cleansing week, he tries not to leave home and unleashes all the kept fury in him, out. To empty the glass, if you will.
He takes time to reflect and repent on past deeds and sins. And prays to the almighty for thanks, forgiveness and wishes.
As he finally feels the pain subside, he attempts to put into words the thoughts he has of the moment.
Why is it that when I find myself waiting. I illuminate the current situation I’m in into descriptive words and often, when I realize so, find myself surprised?
Am I a poet? A writer? An artist? I wonder; how did I fit these words accordingly ergo, capturing my experience?
How is it, that when I’m moved, words of rapture, harmony, and penchant, to name a few, come to mind? Words that hold deep meanings and when paired together correspondingly, something interesting and complimenting is created.
Is this a natural talent? Or is a skill that I’ve been honing all these years? Or is it both?
Why ponder on thoughts that needn’t be? It’s a waste of time to do so. Instead, try and assert on sharpening this gift.
He puts the pen down and sets aside the pad of paper and pen next to his pillow. He shuts the lights and tries to get a good night’s sleep, the pain has come again and he hopes by sleeping the pain would subside soon.
posted by vinz @ 4:47 PM
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Thursday, September 16, 2004
Faith, Dispute, Priorities
He turned her down. He promised to himself, he wouldn’t lead this life and the repercussion is quite possibly, great. His outlook in life may change; respect and courtesy may differ from experiences, such as this.
However, his foremost reason is his unyielding affection for the woman who’s been his fount of inspiration for the past several months.
He finds it queer; when he’s finally concluded his feelings for her, temptations arrive. Three text messages from different ladies that he met a few years back in a gimik, invited him out on the same day. None of them is acquainted with each other.
Another incident, that happened on that very same day was, when he was about to have lunch, he saw a lady, he and his best bud went out with a couple of years back that tried to seduce him however, surprisingly enough, he rejected.
Is this a test to see how faithful he’d be? Although, he hasn’t done any pursuit for the feelings that he has for the lady he’s interested in.
A day or two after, as he browsed through the net, he looks to her profile in a website and a pang of pain seared forth from his heart. It only took a picture, a picture of another man with her, together. And it seems all is too late.
The next couple of days it seemed that he’s a bit too sarcastic in his conversations with friends. It seems that there is a tinge of embitterment in his voice. He was being way too painfully honest and cold to reactions and jokes.
He’s even lashed out with his quick wit and arrogance in his training at work. He finds the trainers pathetic and flawed in teaching the trainees. They were emphasizing on outputs of quality and yet, their performance was mediocre.
Attempts of one of the trainers to embarrass him in front of the class were all futile. He has never backed down on a debate and the raised issues that he pointed out were never answered and apologies would’ve been in order. Although, he never intended in working for the company, he simply took the paid training for him to better understand the quirks of the business he and his colleagues are putting up.
The company is a dead end and based from what he has observed for the past week. The company has 3-5years left in operation. Mismanagement is at fault. Mediocre trainers; the point in teaching is to assist in learning and not to SHOW OFF. The method of: I teach you basic and I give you problem level 3 difficulty exams is an age old recipe for second rate teaching.
He takes a moment to catch his breath. He steps outside to take in some of the crisp, drizzling evening air.
He realizes that he’s looking forward to sleep, wishing that tonight, he wouldn’t dream. In order for him to feel fully rested when he wakes.
As he climbs to bed, he prays to God that all he, his family and his colleagues have set would come to pass, bless him and forgive him for the mean things he has done, keep all his loved ones safe and finally, attain peace within himself.
posted by vinz @ 5:35 PM
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Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Retreating Into Darkness
I grow weary and I find myself looking for change. Away from this monochromatic surrounding. Time apart can do wonders for the soul. Silence can bring forth clarity, a smooth breeze that will heal one’s spirit. Thoughts of nothing brought me peace and a momentary contentment in me.
Apologies are in order, for I may be gone for a while. Let me retreat into darkness before I succumb into what I fear of becoming, darkness will assist me deal with my fears.
Let humility sink in and let my passion envelope me to better change my outlook, hope and zest in life.
My dreams of her haven’t left me and probably, it never will. I can’t bear the thought of hurting her and yet, the question; is it better to have felt her love than not at all, comes to mind. Is there certainty to my question?
Time will probably tell as I’ve gone into the depths of darkness. Only a few months left, I must recover hastily and come up with the right decisions: to act upon quickly and decisively.
posted by vinz @ 6:45 PM
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Silence
Silence, comforting silence. He seeks company of silence. Away from the busy world and its noises, a mental preparation for someone who moves and thinks quickly. Recharging the soul and finding peace and enlightenment at the same time.
A cool breeze embraces him and the warm sun shaded by a body of clouds warms his spirit. A lazy day in which reflection and meditation is ideal.
In the midst of a crowd he writes his thoughts of rest and clarity. Conformity doesn’t intimidate him any longer. He knows himself and with it the growth, respect and admiration his peers give him.
posted by vinz @ 2:53 PM
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Thursday, September 09, 2004
Leap Of Faith: To Fly, To Glide or To Fall
He finds himself in the middle of nowhere in Makati, waiting for time to reach 8am. So that, he could leave this convenience store and fetch a dear friend from work.
He has an hour or so, before he’s off. He sits there with a Sola iced tea, a now empty yan yan, and a pad of paper and pen on the table.
As he writes his thoughts, he reminds himself not to put her on a pedestal. Experience has painfully taught him that, and with her, he can’t afford to make a mistake. Surprisingly, she means so much to him.
Why?
He can’t deduce a reason; except for the feelings he has for her, wonderful feelings that elevates clarity in him.
He’s finally found someone to look forward to, a lady who he’s been with several times and yet, has profoundly been a part of his daily life for the past several months. A woman who’s been at the end of every fog in his mind, he’s known her for a few years and now, with the goals he’s set and finally accomplished, and the strain of keeping an image, as well as, guarding his self in campus, all behind him, he finds himself in a situation of overbearing blindness and mists of thoughts of her.
What keeps him from pursuing her, one might wonder? Perhaps, the reason for which may have been resolved with an event that transpired on Tuesday in the afternoon.
Hopefully, god would heed to this hapless soul’s wishes, he’s always proven that he’s there in his time of need.
It’s around 9am he and his friend are on their way to have breakfast.
Among the topics they’ve discussed were the woman who’s constantly been in his thoughts for the past seven months. Coincidentally, she’s a friend of hers in college, back in the day.
This friend of his, knows him pretty well and finds him the few romantic guys that she knows, probably, the only one at that.
This isn’t the first time that they’ve talked about this certain topic. He has on rare instances confessed to some of his escapades in college and on one occasion, she asked him why he’s still single, as well as, complimented him for his sweet tongue.
Surmise to say of their conversation, she gives him her blessings for pursuing her friend, she knows how committed he will be in a relationship and knows how deeply he cares for her.
He drops her off at her home after they’ve finished with their breakfast.
Carefully, he drives home. Thoughts of the day he spent with the lady of his thoughts mingle through him. She hasn’t taken him for granted and with that, his feelings for her sunk deeper. Her confidence, independence and not taking advantage of situations have gained his admiration for her as well.
He wants to express his feelings for her however; he has to overcome the restrictions fate has bestowed upon him.
As he nears his home, these final questions pop into mind: should I pursue this feeling and express it? Or should I not and never experience the wonderful could have been? How are you so sure that these feelings you have for her will be reciprocated? How are you not so sure?
Take a blind leap, you’ve already given so much and it’s a shame if you’re to back out now.
posted by vinz @ 6:32 PM
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Monday, September 06, 2004
In Pursuit Of One's Emotions
She’s beautiful; he finds himself lost for words when he looks at her. Often, looking the other way so as not to trail off in the conversation and yet, he wants to take in every detail: sound, image, and smell of the present scene with her.
She leaves him breathless as he blinks, the visage of her sears in his memory.
He wants to please her however, he doesn’t know how nor does he have a clue. His confidence over the ladies, shatter when with her. Probably, the thought of losing her bothers him.
How can any man not love her deeply and prove with consistency of his feelings for her?
It’s been a while since; he had something to look forward to. He finds himself wanting to know more about her and wishing to spend time with her again, soon.
If only she could see herself from his eyes. She’d experience radiance in her that brings forth joy and contentment welling in him.
He wonders what she’s thinking as she listens to him speak. Do thoughts: is this the man who wrote me poetry and wrote about me his feelings, come to mind? Are they all true or simply fiction?
He feels vulnerable and sees the situation with her fragile. He wants her and doesn’t know in which way to pursue her. How can he do so when, at the moment, he doesn’t have anything to show except for the profound feelings he has for her?
Why wonder what it’d feel like to hold her and have her in his arms and take in the scent of her when, he doesn’t have the courage to admit his feelings for her? Pathetic, I know.
Probably, the thought of rejection has been insistently nagging in the back of his mind and confronting the probable fact may have taken part, in him not taking further pursuit of his feelings.
He opts to resolve this lack of self-esteem by meeting up with an old friend. Someone, who’s been known to share his interests and is similar to him in being a constructive sarcastic critique if not, a painfully honest one.
posted by vinz @ 5:23 PM
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