Monday, June 28, 2004
Old Habits Die Hard
It seems that I’m battling my addiction yet again. That would be playing computer games. I’ve been at it for about a month now and I’m finally wearing myself down and losing interest in it. I’m relived and yet, profoundly, discontent.
The reason for which I presume is that I tend to lose interest when I’m fast reaching the goal I’ve set. All my life, this has been my greatest adversary, the big hulking demon in me. I vividly remember, the times I triumphed this monster; I went in the melee head strong, determined and not thinking about anything else but completing the task at hand.
This same demon was there last December and I had to cut my ties in order for me to get psyched. From the mental pain and suffering I endured, from the lowest point of my self-esteem I could possibly sink into, I rose from it scathed, only to rise even higher from where I was at before hand, which enabled me to reach my goal; which was to graduate.
In all my life, my patience was never set to the test during those final weeks. I have to thank the mental preparation I’d undergone several weeks earlier.
At present, I’m keeping myself busy. This whole week, I’ll be meeting up with friends and a certain someone that I hope could lead into something. Who knows? Maybe the chemistry between us would turnout great, right?
I can’t and will not splurge. Instead, I intend to run a tight budget and make the night eventful, in a quaint yet, romantic and possibly, in a wonderful sense. Which makes one wonder, what that would be? Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll do it. At the moment however, I may have something that could make the evening to come, interesting and fun.
Dear God, I wish everything would turnout smoothly and for the best. Let me see if her heart is at the right place.
I also hope a friend of mine would feel better soon and let her know even though, I’m not that relevant in her life, I’m someone to count on.
I’d rather spend time with friends and prove that I’m someone to count upon instead of being a slave or a drone to a game that deprives me of a meaningful life.
posted by vinz @ 4:34 PM
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Reasons That You Should Know
For several days, I have been wondering as to why I’ve written those last few articles. And I’ve had several messages that came from friends voicing their concern. I assure you, dear friends, that I am fine.
In this article I aim to find the reasons why I wrote those previous entries: Perhaps, the reasons were the mood I was in at the time. I probably, wrote one of the articles after I watched a flick that moved me into doing so; a line from the flick, that gave way for me to write a previous experience I had; an unresolved emotion that I tasked myself to end with a resolution. Or possibly, the memories I came to reminisce as I was doing my daily meditation. As the feelings I had at the session resurfaced, I was compelled to write. The words simply flowed from my hands effortlessly.
This past week, resolution of past feelings seemed to be the theme. I’ve had a couple of friends, over at coffee, talk about finally having resolutions of their past feelings with the persons they have intently cared for in their hearts. Having done so, finally they could breathe with ease having it all come to a conclusion.
Besides that, a few days ago, I came to realize something about me. Some of my relatives aren’t at ease with me and that they seem to be on guard as to what my reactions are to be on a certain conversation that we were discussing and more often than not, try to in vain gain my favor.
I don’t blame them for that, in fact, I relish these thoughts.
Few people really know who I truly am.
Why do they speak of themselves in self-pity? Mentioning of past experiences to me of how they were mistreated, as if that would give them my favor. On the contrary I find it pathetic, the mere thought of relating to me a story of how he/she was disrespected in order to gain my favor. Have pride and stand-up for yourself because, no one but you will.
Some of these relatives divulge their thoughts about our own blood in a despicable manner. Which makes one wonder, what do they say to you behind your back and what uncalled for deeds do they do to you or for that manner, anything related to you, when you’re not around?
I’ve kept these thoughts to myself and as I spend time with these parties, one sees a pattern and regresses on what has all transpired, and therefore, makes a calculated and logical conclusion about them. Surmise to say, I do not trust anyone of them.
Notice, that I don’t mention any names and if you think you’re the person I’m talking about… enough said.
I try to be a man of integrity. I do my utmost to keep my word and honor. I am average however, I’ll probably be one of few people you’ll know who lives to uphold his principles. A man who’s admitted to his mistakes and does his best to live life to it’s fullest; you’ll never know when time will stop for you. I am one who wants his passion for life to reach people and make them realize to “live” and not take for granted what they already have.
And with that final note, I believe that is my reason as to why I wrote those previous entries.
posted by vinz @ 5:33 PM
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Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Past Mistakes
As she said those words, it made me realize that she was warning me about her: I should be weary of her friend, the one that I was courting. As well as she saying to me: you should’ve been mine and that I know you won’t come for me, not after the hold that she’s done to you.
It has been more than a year since I last saw her and she was right about the girl I courted.
The mistake I made was the one that you know what you were getting into yet, blinded by the allure and seduction you ignored it. And you’re worst nightmares of what’ll happen to this situation all occurred accordingly to what you’ve feared the most and you’ve been left with nothing, not your pride, not with dignity and certainly not with your integrity.
If only I could’ve met her earlier on, I wouldn’t have faltered and I wouldn’t have been this miserable.
Where are you? I want you back in my life, you were but a fleeting moment and I want you to stay…
It stopped raining and he stands outside breathing the fresh, moist, crisp air of the evening. I can’t stand it when I see people that miserable because it reminds me of the feeling of being in love…
posted by vinz @ 6:32 PM
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Sunday, June 06, 2004
For Someone I've Yet to Meet
Look into these eyes and see the soul of the person that is in front of you. Notice the desire that I have for you, the longer we part the stronger it becomes. Entwined with it is my passion for life, this is my source of strength and you my fount of love and contentment.
I am merely a man, who seeks to be remembered with thoughts of love, goodness and righteousness. I do not seek a mark for myself in this world. I only seek to make a mark in your life.
Let me open doors for you and let the mysteries that lie in be revealed to us, together. I won’t stand in front of you neither will I be behind you, I will stand beside you and carry you, if need be.
I’ve waited impatiently for this moment to arrive, and now that it’s coming to pass, I relish and bask in every moment even more.
posted by vinz @ 12:32 PM
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Confessions
I’ve been sick the past week. I’ve had a lot of pain coming from my back and I’ve been having trouble walking. I suppose all this came about from stress and fatigue. And so, for the past week I was reading the book “11 minutes” by Paulo Coelho that I recently bought.
I didn’t finish the book in a day for, as I read, I had a tendency of stopping and reflecting from chapter to chapter.
The book helped me understand from my past experiences why I had felt certain thoughts and emotions. I can’t elaborate it further on this article for it’s a bit too personal, surmise to say it helped me become more of a better person.
I had for a time associated pain, suffering and pleasure from one another. I haven’t gone to that path for some time now. However, this book (11 minutes) made me relive of past experiences and helped me deal with it finally.
Pain should only be caused by nature and shouldn’t be by man neither should it be associated with pleasure for one would venture into the dark side of his soul nor should it be practiced heedlessly.
I’ve confronted my demons time and time again and struggled at my low to contain them. I’m not perfect, I’m no genius, I’m not honest, I do lie, I’ve been ignorant and arrogant as well as tactless. I’ve had my share of regrets in life. However, I do strive to be good and be a better person. I seek repentance for my sins and shortcomings night after night and especially on a night like this.
There is one thing that I’m certain of; and that is my will to better myself and to be open to changes even though I’ll be having difficulties overcoming them.
posted by vinz @ 6:31 AM
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