Sunday, February 29, 2004
Casting Iron
Finding himself lost in thought yet again, he drives aimlessly throughout the night. He looks at the time: 10:36. He heads home and from what he gathered he puts into writing.
He wants to be perceived by people in different ways, often experimenting with hypothesis he formulated. Never truly understood, and most of the time, he tests limits of persons he is acquainted with. He thinks and wonders if they could see through his ploy. Yet, how could one think such a thing? Thinking that he acts this sort of way so as to be perceived in this manner.
Could it be a positive or negative trait, you wonder? Yes, to both accounts.
Let me start off with the negative: he would plant words in a conversation that emphasizes a trait that results to a discernment of his character, such as: insecurities, low self-esteem and the like. Which ensues an increased probability that the persons involved would reach to the point of irritation (my apologies).
To the positive aspect as to why he does this. When he delves into this side, it is more of self-improvement of his character than it is what he wants to be distinguished as. Which often ensues and reaps integrity and respect, two qualities he thirsts for, to people he admires, if not hold a lot of respect for.
Could this be a dementia of a man who craves for greatness at the same time tries to assay the psyche?
What drives him? He wonders.
Why does it come natural to him?
A close friend of his understands and knows when he enters into this negative state of perception. He states that you could see a glint of mischievousness in his eyes. Which is often when they are with acquaintances.
Could it all be a defense mechanism of some sort? Perhaps…
posted by vinz @ 6:46 PM
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Monday, February 23, 2004
A Night Of Reminiscing
Night has come, a cool breeze wisps through my windows and I lie in bed; pen in hand and as I write on the yellow sheet of paper that lies before me, I attempt once again to put into words what my thoughts are of the moment.
It’s my 22nd birthday and I just finished reading my favorite book, “The Wedding” by Nicholas Sparks, for the second time. I find myself smiling as I breezed through the chapters and teary eyed to a few of the scenes. I’ve always been a sucker for romance especially when the theme involves regret and change for the better.
I guess, you could say, I’m the type of guy who would give a lady a rose for reasons of, just because it’s Wednesday.
When I do ask someone out, like a formal date, it would entail that I’ve planned the whole event a month ago. All the necessary arrangements have been set and I’ve scouted the areas we were to go, as well as timed the arrival or how long it will take to get there. In Leigh man’s terms: I’d do my uttermost to make you feel special.
On my spare time, I try to concoct ideas as to how I can present a lady that I like a gift with the feelings I wish to invoke would first be disappointment to surprise and finally, appreciation. It makes the gift more memorable.
I jot everything down on a small black notebook that my Kuya and I bought a couple of years ago.
Is it wrong to try to sweep the lady you like of her feet? I suppose, so as long as she reciprocates your feelings, it’s fine.
Please don’t misinterpret what I’ve written so far, as a way of marketing myself towards you, the reader. It is not my intention. This is simply my way of expressing myself and another means of getting to know myself.
Why do I post my articles? It is in a way so that, my friends would get to know me better and understand why at times I act in deviant. And since, I do not have the luxury of spending time with all of them, this is an excellent medium, although I do what I can to spend time with them.
To some of my friends I send quotes that I’ve learned at that particular day. Always tagged with “something to ponder on…” at the start, some of those are posted in my homepage. I wrote 90% of the time, those quotes. And is another way of expressing myself and letting them get to know me a little better.
I hold my principles dearly, it is what I think separates me from most people.
I would have to acknowledge my high school years for that. Without the crude experiences that I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t have been this adamant with holding my principles and integrity.
There are times that I retreat from the world. Spending time alone and recharging my batteries. I often meditate in an attempt to control the beasts within me. As well as reminiscing of past mistakes and regrets so as not to commit the same actions again.
I do what I must to get by with in the confines of the principles that I’ve set. I see life as something we should enjoy and appreciate.
What is excellence in paper when you can’t have time with friends? If you can pull it off then, more power to you.
What is life if you can’t appreciate it? Act now if you haven’t, one day you’re off to work and thirty years later you get home alone and you realize and wonder to what happened to the thirty years of your life. Don’t get caught up with work.
Be with friends and cherish the times that you have now, change will occur, no doubt.
Trust in yourself and learn to trust your girlfriend/boyfriend and let them be alone with their friends from time to time, if you haven’t. You know she/he loves you, have confidence in yourself. Find ways to make her fall in love with you all over again.
Live the present to its fullest, we only pass this life once.
posted by vinz @ 2:23 PM
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Saturday, February 21, 2004
Conclusion to Meandering Thoughts
A few days after I finished writing the sequel to “first love” I found myself looking back, as to how I got over several heartbreaks over the past years. Surmise to say, it helped me get over this recent heartbreak.
No more does she haunt my mornings when I awake. Nor do I find myself searching for her. I won’t elaborate on this further due to lack of interest and explaining as to how I got over her, might if written, be misinterpret as to entail embitterment, if not vindication.
With that said, that chapter in my life is closed.
posted by vinz @ 3:31 AM
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Monday, February 16, 2004
Break Up
He sits silently still at the floor of his room with the phone beside him, he finished talking to the person he thought he was spending his life with. Although, he’s still eighteen, you can’t fault him for thinking so, after all, this was his first love.
He closes the lights of his small room, calls up his previous girlfriend’s close friends. Finding and begging for reasons why all this happened. It was all for not.
He later on found out that they played a part to their break up.
He lies now in bed, soft music being played, he tries to find comfort in the music while tears keep on streaking from his eyes.
How did this come to pass? It seems like only yesterday that he was planning their first monthsary…
6:20 a.m., he hurriedly passed the lower lanai onto the upper lanai towards the girls’ locker room where, his lady friend awaited. Luckily, she arrives early in school. He gives her the precious package he was carrying, briefed her again of what he wants it to look like in their locker, she shares lockers with his girlfriend, and she complied happily.
His girlfriend arrived at 7:20 a.m., ten minutes till the bell rings. She finds him and the rest of their little barkada at their usual table in the cafeteria.
She awaits his greeting of their first monthsary, however, he stares at her oddly and whispered, “Is there something wrong?”
That was the last straw she thought, it was more than she could bear. Since, their talk last night, it lasted only a few minutes and now this? She quickly left the table without any excuses and went into the ladies’ locker room.
She noticed he didn’t even stood up, or asked for that matter, what was wrong and it infuriated her. Her friends noticing the incident, followed her briskly into the locker room, where, she let out all her frustrations, they seemed only to listen and didn’t comment on to anything she vented, they remained neutral.
As she let out her thoughts of the matter, she opens her locker to pick up a few things before class starts and that’s where suddenly, she found herself dumbfounded.
Inside the locker was a long stem peach tulip (her favorite), a greeting card, a CD of her recent favorite band, a small bedside lamp with cute puppies painted all around it, and, of course, the other stuff in her locker.
Her friends screamed with envy, nudging her to open the card and read the message inside aloud. Tears were welling up on her eyes as she grinned.
A few minutes later, she comes out of the locker room. He was waiting for her with a knowing smile and open arms. She hugged him longingly, not caring if they were publicly displaying affection, as they both whispered to each other a happy first monthsary…
That was nine months ago, he looks to the clear night sky from his window, no visible stars and no moon.
He closes his eyes and covers himself with his blanket. All that planning for nothing, he thought…
A month ago, he forgot it was their monthsary; he played pc games with a friend that day and he was all groggy and had a terrible headache.
She called him at home that night and greeted him what day it was, their 8th monthsary. And he, having a strong belief of not lying to her, replied to her that he forgot. He should’ve told a white lie and concocted a plan to visit her or something, that night, but he didn’t. Perhaps, it was due to the headache he was having or, that he lost all his money playing those silly pc games. The fact of the matter was that, he forgot and he was responsible for it.
She was disappointed and truly hurt, imagine, waiting the whole day for the surprise she thought would come because, that’s what he does. Every monthsary he never fails her for a surprise. Although this was a surprise, it was of a different depressing sort.
After the incident, he knew he had to make up for it, big time. He devised a plan that should outrank all his previous sweet surprises for her.
After his summer class, he’d go directly to the national bookstore in Katipunan and browse through the cookbooks and memorize the procedures. He was good at memorizing and didn’t want people to call attention to him if he were to write down those recipes.
After National bookstore, he’d go to the supermarket and buy groceries. At home, he’d be experimenting and perfecting his culinary skills. He asked a few pointers from his mom and she was the guinea pig to comment on what he concocted.
By the second week, everyone at his home was applauding him for his cooking. Satisfied with the compliments he goes to stage two of his plan.
He made a deal with his family to leave them alone at home, when the night the plan comes into fruition, he was given three hours, while the rest of the family at that day went out to eat dinner and watch a movie. He bought candles for the dinner and ordered a dozen roses, to be delivered the morning of the planned date.
He sold some of his precious collectible cards, to attain the amount he needed to spend.
While all this was going on, for three or four weeks before their 9th monthsary. When she called at home, they talk for an hour or less and compared to the previous phone conversations of 3-4 hours, it disappointed, if not, hurt her. It was either that, or his family would give an excuse that he’s not home and they’d tell her he was out playing pc games, when, he was at home and truly learning how to cook.
The night before their monthsary they attended a party. She was cold to him then, still, he was confident of their love towards each other. He thought, my plan would be ruined tomorrow because, she would be staying over at her friends home and it isn’t likely her parents would allow her to go out tomorrow. So he thought, “I’ll postpone it two days after, then.”
The day after: She called him up; he was ready to tell her his surprise and what he’s been actually doing the whole month. She said glumly, she had something to say to him and he responded giddily with “I have something to say too but you go on ahead, what is it, dear?”
And to his dismay, she broke up with him.
He told her that he would call right back and hanged up the phone. He silently screamed in his room and dialed her number one last time. He did what he could to convince her to withdraw what she said, however, her mind was set, he explained his surprise and everything but it all fell to deaf ears…
Where does this take me? My one and only left me.
Where does this lead me? Who am I now, without her?
Such thoughts came to his mind…
It took him three years to fully get over her. He loves her still, although, not to that extent anymore. He’s moved on and is stronger now for the love he lost. He may be scarred however, with it comes wisdom and knowledge.
Given the chance of getting back together again, he wouldn’t take it. Simply for the reason of that he can’t see them in the future anymore, and, what life they’ll lead. Being friends with her is enough.
He is a better person now, she taught him a lot of things, among them are to appreciate life and have fun, and for that he is grateful.
posted by vinz @ 6:38 PM
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Thursday, February 12, 2004
First Love
1999 was the year I met her, my first love…
It was the summer of '99 and a friend of mine introduced me to her. I noticed she was attractive; however, the thought of courting her didn't enter my mind, for I was planning on courting someone else.
The following days after I was introduced to her, I notice her sitting alone at the lower lanai patiently waiting for someone.
A week may have passed since we were introduced to each other and at the time, I was in no mood of going home early, so, seeing her sitting all alone in the lower lanai, I accompanied her and we talked effortlessly for a couple of hours or so, until the person she was waiting for arrived, which was her older brother, all along.
As the month passed, we got to know each other more and more. By that time, I talked to her more than the lady I liked.
On the last week of June, I finally began courting the lady I was planning on and I ended it in a week. I realized that I didn't like her anymore and I came to the conclusion that I was in love. I was in love with the lady who sat patiently at the lower lanai, who waited for her sibling to pick her up on that eventful afternoon.
The following night she and I conversed on the phone, I professed my ardent love towards her. After which, I received a nonchalant response. However, by this time, I knew her too well; she was smiling when she replied.
At the end of that week, I had an immersion in Mt. Banahaw, which meant we wouldn't have any opportunity of talking on the phone this weekend. On Monday the following week, we were to have lunch at one of my close friend's restaurant, it's his birthday and we were invited.
On the weekend, I got sick on the way over there. I had fever on and off that trip and the transportation we were on was, to put it in a polite term, uncomfortable. Before the exposure ended my fever left.
Sunday night, when we arrived in school, I tried to call home telling them to pick me up; I was drained and tired from the trip and the ride home. I couldn't get through my landline, it was busy.
I called the first person I thought of, and, it was she.
She answered the phone and with my voice hoarse and all, I did my best to sound cheerful and greeted her great evening and asked how was her weekend. She responded with: where was I. And I asked her for a favor to text my brother to pick me up.
Now, texting during these times was free, however, the lag was terrible.
After I hanged-up the phone, promising her that I'd call as soon as I got home and with my gratitude, she dialed my brother's cell phone and told him of my message.
Finally arriving home I talked to her for a couple of minutes, informing her that I might not attend my friend's lunch, so, that'd be her and the others there.
I didn't show up on Monday and I didn't attend my first and second period class on Tuesday (July 20, 1999). She was a bit disappointed because I wasn't in school. It was 11:45am, time for lunch, I was wearing civilian clothes and I waited for her at the upper lanai, although I didn't attend class, I wanted to have lunch with her. She was surprised as hell when she saw me.
We had lunch at the newly opened KFC at Katipunan, we walked to get there and we left walking as well.
On our way back to school I bravely held her right hand with my left, and, we looked at each other, smiled, and continued on with our conversation.
Monday, July 26, 1999. I was attending a violation seminar, I was looking outside the hallway when she popped out, and posed for a second and disappeared. I smirked so loud that Ms. Buncio called my attention (sorry Ms.!).
After the hour long seminar, she and a couple of my friends. Went out on a joy ride. My two friends kept teasing us that we're a couple. I denied it with a grin on my face.
We haven't talked about it officially.
By the end of the afternoon, she demands that we're a couple. I retorted jokingly we're not a couple since you haven't kissed me yet.
And she did.
Her sweet lips eased towards mine, while closing her eyes, instinctively, I did the same. Her soft lips touched mine and lingered for a while and at that moment I knew my life had been completed.
She was my first kiss and my first love.
posted by vinz @ 2:44 AM
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Friday, February 06, 2004
Meandering Thoughts episode 3
3pm, the school bell rang, signifying the end of another period and my last class for the day. Hastily, I pack my things and bid goodbyes to my friends in class.
Out of the air-conditioned room, I breezed through the third floor hallway, past through fellow schoolmates. On the third or fourth classroom to my right, I look inside and notice my previous classmates from last semester, fixing their things, preparing to go to what plans they have for the day. Several of them notice me, and we said our greetings, chat for a few seconds and head on to our businesses.
Down the stairs I go, I couldn’t help myself notice the pretty faces that I run into, a few people that I know pass by and, we exchange warm smiles.
Finally reaching the ground floor, I head on to the upper lanai, giving the lady guard a smile and a farewell, as I pass. Down the few steps to the lower lanai, looking straight, briskly walked towards the parking lot…
Home…
After a change of clothes he lies in bed, exhausted and embraces the sleep that’s creeping within him.
So, he dreams or is it just him thinking specifically while he rests at the same time closing his eyes?
Why is it she that he sees or thinks about? Hasn’t he gotten over her yet? Apparently not… He can’t stop thinking and missing her, and most especially the few memories that they shared:
Her sweet voice on the phone and yes, even the morning and late evening voice, he missed.
The stories she shared, that, he envies, for he wasn’t there to share it with her. The constant lines she’d say when telling memories about her, it tells him what her eyes would look like, reminiscing, sparkling whether be it at night or day.
And that one incident: when she got all pissed at someone and she called him up late that evening, letting out all the pain and anger she felt while he intently listened and comforted her as best as he could and replied to all her woes with honesty if not, truthfully. He vividly remembers, after putting down the phone that night: lying in bed in the dark thinking, wondering, what did all just transpired mean? She opened up to me, which was a good sign, right? He received a message from her thanking him for the time and he replied nonchalantly, trying to be cool and suave, fearing that he might mess up, and perhaps, he did mess things up.
(Ring tone)
He awakes from his slumber. Blindly he reached for his cell phone and read the message that he received.
Cursing, he tries to sleep again but to no avail. Darn promotional text message, ruined his sleep.
He sits in bed and thought about what he just dreamt if not, thought about. Her again? It’s been more than a month already, and I’m not over her.
It makes one wonder what she’s doing at this moment. Probably, hanging-out with her friends or surfing the net: checking her friendster account or chatting at MIRC. Or even on the phone…
Trying to overcome his grief, he takes a pen and paper and writes. In hopes, that writing it down would lessen the pain…
posted by vinz @ 10:42 AM
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